Doug (1991) s02e12 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
MY FOOT'S
ASLEEP WOW! ♪
MY FOOT'S
ASLEEP WOW! ♪
I GOT NO FEELING
'CAUSE MY SHOES
ARE CHEAP WOW! ♪
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT--
THE BEETS PLAYING
IN BLOATSBURG.
GOOD THING WE'RE
LINING UP FOR TICKETS
TWO HOURS AHEAD.
Doug and Skeeter:
AH-EE-OO, KILLER TOFU
OH-EE-OH, KILLER TOFU!
EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.
MY FRIEND AND I
ARE HERE
TO LINE UP
FOR BEETS TICKETS.
NO PROBLEM.
JUST GET BEHIND
EVERYONE ELSE.
HUH?
HUH?
Skeeter:
WHAT IF THEY RUN
OUT OF TICKETS?
WHAT IF WE MISS THE
BEST BEETS CONCER
IN THE HISTORY OF
THE ENTIRE WORLD?
[ news theme plays]
Reporter:
WE'RE BACK LIVE WITH--
AND WHO COULD FORGE
THESE GUYS?-- THE BEETS.
SO TELL US-- OF THE 5,000 BEETS
CONCERTS, WHAT WAS THE BEST ONE?
NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.
HAD TO BE THAT TIME
WE PLAYED BLOATSBURG.
BLOATSBURG WAS OUR BIGGES
BEETS BLOWOUT EVER.
WE PLAYED ALL NIGHT.
[ chairs creaking]
OH, MAN.
OH, MAN.
[ wheezing]
[ wheezing]
AND WE MISSED IT.AND WE MISSED IT.
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL, TODAY IS
THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.
SKEETER AND I WERE NEXT
TO GET BEETS TICKETS
WHEN IT HAPPENED.
[ crowd conversing]
[ both gasp]
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
SOLD OUT.
THE BEETS CONCERT WAS SOLD OUT!
[ sighing:]
SOLD OUT!
DID YOU SAY "SOLD OUT"?
BEETS TICKETS!
HOW DID YOU GET BEETS TICKETS?
MY DATE FOR SATURDAY NIGH
BOUGHT THEM.
HE ACTUALLY THOUGH
I WOULD GO TO A BEETS CONCERT.
YOU HAVE TICKETS BU
YOU DON'T WANT TO GO?
SURELY YOU JEST.
HMM, I WONDER
WHO I COULD GIVE THESE TO?
ALL RIGHT,
WHAT DO YOU WANT, JUDY?
I WANT YOU
TO PAINT MY ROOM BLACK.
WELL, YEAH BLACK?
THE WHOLE ROOM?
IF YOU'RE NO
INTERESTED
OKAY, OKAY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
Doug:
Two beautifully,
fabulously real tickets
TO THE BEST CONCER
IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!
Say, Skeeter
HOW WILL WE GE
ALL THE WAY TO BLOATSBURG?
Judy:
YEAH, DOUGIE
MOM AND DAD WILL
NEVER LET YOU
TAKE THAT TRIP
BY YOURSELF.
YOU'RE THE BABY
IN OUR FAMILY.
Don't worry,
I've got it all figured out.
WE'LL TAKE THE OFFICIAL
K-BLUF BEETS BUS.
THE BEETS BUS?
THE BEETS BUS,
DOUG--
THE BEST WAY TO
ANY BEETS CONCERT.
I HEARD ABOUT I
ON THE RADIO.
OKAY, PEOPLE, I'M FRIZZY,
THE K-BLUF BEETS BUS LEADER.
I NEED YOUR PARENTS'
PERMISSION SLIPS
AND YOU BEET-NIKS
ARE ON THE BUS.
Both:
ALL RIGHT!
IT WAS PERFECT.
WE WERE SURROUNDED
BY BEET MANIACS.
I ATE MY SUGAR CEREAL.
BUT IT MAKES MY TEETH
BACTERIAL. ♪
AND DON'T EAT T-T-T-T-TOO MUCH
FRIED FOOD YEAH! ♪
Group:
AH-EE-OO, KILLER TOFU
OH-EE-OH, KILLER TOFU!
YEAH!
Frizzy:
THE ORIGINAL TITLE
WAS "SZECHUAN BEAN CURD"
BUT MONROE THOUGHT I
WAS TOO HARD TO RHYME.
[ playing Beets rock song]
YOU GOTTA SHOU
YOUR LUNGS OUT! ♪
IF YOU PLAY "I NEED MORE
ALLOWANCE" REALLY SLOW
YOU CAN HEAR
WENDY NESPAH
SAYING, "I
LOVE CHEESE!"
[ tires squeal]
WE MUST BE THERE!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT--
THE BEETS
IN BLOATSBURG!
FIRST-TIMERS, RIGHT?
THIS IS JUST A PIT STOP.
REMEMBER, FOLKS
THIS IS A TEN-
MINUTE BREAK.
TEN MINUTES--
1/5 OF AN HOUR
600 SECONDS.
LET'S CHECK OU
THE DINER.
I'M STARVED.
Doug:
YOU KNOW
I'VE NEVER
BEEN THIS FAR
WITHOU
MY PARENTS.
ME, TOO.
IT FEELS KIND OF GREAT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE'RE SEEING THE BEETS.
THE BEETS!
THE BEETS!
THAT'S IT.
YOU BEET-HEADS REALLY BUG ME.
HA!
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH A LITTLE
YOUTHFUL EXCITEMENT.
OH, MAN, YOU
WANT EXCITEMENT?
EVER DRIVE
A 16-WHEEL MONSTER
THROUGH A BLINDING BLIZZARD
WITH ONLY A HALF A TANK?
YEAH, MAN, I HAVE.
ONLY MY RIG WAS
AN 18-WHEEL TUBACRUISER.
A TUBACRUISER? NO KIDDING.
WHY, I DROVE A TUBACRUISER
THROUGH HURRICANE WILFRED.
NEAT!
ALL THIS WAS BEFORE
THEY INVENTED TUBA PUMPS.
YOU HAD TO SUCK THE DIESEL
OUT OF THE TANK.
THIS ONE
TRUCKER--
FELLOW CALLED
FUEL LINE FREDDY
ON ACCOUNT OF
I BETTER GO CHECK
ON THE OTHERS.
Frizzy:
DON'T BE
LATE, GUYS!
YOU WRESTLED
THE ALLIGATOR
AND STILL GO
THE BLOOD SUPPLY
TO THE HOSPITAL?
YEAH.
WOW!
WOW!
LISTEN, YOU TWO--
THAT WIDE-OPEN ROAD
IS CALLING MY NAME:
CHARLENE!
LATER, BEET-HEADS.
SEE YOU, CHARLENE.
WE MET A REAL LIVE
TRUCK DRIVER.
I'VE GOT HER AUTOGRAPH.
"CHARLENE,
'CLUTCH FIRST!'"
WOW, MAYBE WE CAN GET THE BEETS'
AUTOGRAPHS AT THE CONCERT.
CONCERT?!
CONCERT?!
Skeeter:
OH, NO!
WE GOT TO GE
TO THE BUS!
THEY WOULDN'T LEAVE
WITHOUT US.
Both:
THEY'RE LEAVING WITHOUT US!
[ engine sputtering]
OH, MAN! WE
BLEW IT AGAIN.
AND WE'RE STUCK IN
THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
WHAT'LL WE DO, SKEETER?
STAY COOL, MAN.
WE COULD CALL OUR PARENTS!
OUR PARENTS?
REMEMBER,
DOUGIE
YOU'RE THE BABY
IN OUR FAMILY.
IF MY PARENTS
KNOW I MESSED UP
THEY WON'
TRUST ME AGAIN.
THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME WAY
WE CAN GET TO THE CONCERT.
Doug:
BY THE WAY, SKEETER,
WHAT'S A CLUTCH, ANYWAY?
BEATS ME, MAN.
I HAVEN'T TAKEN
DRIVER'S ED. YET.
[ both scream]
Doug:
LET'S SEE
CLUTCH FIRST!
GIVE ME THE WHEEL!
HERE, TAKE IT!
[ both screaming]
[ truck horn blaring]
I-I GUESS WE COULD ALWAYS
WALK TO BLOATSBURG.
BLOATSBURG?
DID YOU BOYS
SAY "BLOATSBURG"?
OH, YES, SIR, MR. OFFICER, SIR.
I'M SHERIFF MELVIN B. YATES
OF BLOATSBURG
AND I'M JUST WONDERING
WHAT KIDS LIKE YOU ARE DOING
IN A TRUCK STOP
AT 7:40 AT NIGHT.
7:40?!
7:40?!
THE CONCERT-- I
STARTS IN 20 MINUTES.
WE'VE COME SO FAR
TO MISS IT NOW.
Yates:
NOT THAT BEETS CONCERT?
Doug:
YES, SIR.
WE'VE GOT TICKETS
TO TONIGHT'S SHOW.
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?
I'M A BEET-HEAD
FROM THE TIME
THEY WERE MAKING BASEMENT TAPES.
IN MY BASEMENT.
Kids:
NO WAY!
THAT SONG
"WHERE'S MY SOCK"?
THAT WAS MY SOCK THEY
WERE SINGING ABOUT.
Doug:
WOW!
DESPITE ALL OUR PROBLEMS
SKEETER AND I
HAD FINALLY MADE IT.
THERE WAS ONLY ONETINY PROBLEM.
WE LEFT THE TICKETS
AT THE DINER!
OH, NO!
OH, NO!
NOW WE'LL MISS
THE CONCERT OF
OUR LIVES FOR SURE!
[ men grunting]
Doug:
LOOK AT THAT.
STEP ON IT.
THAT FLAT TIRE MADE US LATE.
Skeeter:
THE BEETS'
EQUIPMENT TRUCK!
WE DIDN'T MISS
THE SHOW YET.
CALL ME CRAZY, BUT
HEY, MISTER
NEED ANY HELP
UNLOADING THAT STUFF?
HELP? SURE!
JUST GRAB A GUITAR
AND FOLLOW THAT AMP.
ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT!
[ audience cheering]
[ screen crackling]
Crowd [ chanting]:
WE WANT THE BEETS!
WE WANT THE BEETS!
WE WANT THE BEETS!
WE WANT THE BEETS!
[ crowd keeps chanting]
I'M CARRYING
MONROE YODER'S GUITAR!
I'VE GOT CHAP LIPMAN'S CYMBALS!
SORRY FOR THE DELAY,
BUT IT'S WORTH IT.
BLOATSBURG IS PROUD
TO WELCOME THE BEETS!
[ cheering]
HUH?
HUH?
THANKS, FELLOWS.
THANKS, BLOKES,
APPRECIATE THE HELP.
W-W-W-WENDY NESPAH
TOUCHED MY SHOULDER!
THAT'S NOTHING.
FLOUNDER STEPPED ON MY FOOT!
HELLO, BLOATSBURG!
[ crowd roars]
YOU GOTTA WHISTLE,
GOTTA ROMP ♪
YOU GOTTA SCREAM,
YOU GOTTA STOMP ♪
YOU GOTTA SHOU
YOUR LUNGS OUT! ♪
YOU GOTTA HOLLER,
GOTTA YELL ♪
YOU GOTTA CLAP,
YOU GOTTA WAIL ♪
YOU GOTTA SHOU
YOUR LUNGS OUT! ♪
YOU GOTTA ROLL
YOUR WINDOW DOWN ♪
YOU GOTTA ROCK YOUR SOCKS,
YOU GOTTA ROLL YOUR SOUL ♪
BUST A VOCAL CHORD
YOU GOTTA LOSE CONTROL
IT'S FUNNY HOW SOMETIMES
YOUR BIGGEST ADVENTURE
CAN GET EVEN BETTER
ONLY AFTER THINGS GO WRONG.
WE ALMOST MISSED THE CONCER
ONLY TO END UP WITH
THE BEST SEATS IN THE HOUSE.
THIS IS THE BES
CONCERT EVER!
IN THE HISTORY
OF THE ENTIRE WORLD!
BUST A VOCAL CHORD
YOU GOT TO LOSE CONTROL!
[ singer wails]
[ guitar solo plays]
[ Smash Adams theme playing]
NO
NO
NO
HELLO!
[ laughs triumphantly]
OOH!
[ chortles]
[ bleeping]
EXCUSE ME, DOCTOR
I THOUGHT I'D
JUST DROP IN.
[ tittering:]
YES, MR. ADAMS.
DO DROP IN.
[ cackling menacingly]
[ shouts]
OOF!
[ grunting]
TELL ME, MR. ADAMS-- IS IT SAFE?
IS IT SAFE?
[ cackling]
[ audience gasping]
Skeeter:
SMASH IS THE COOLEST.
Doug:
YEAH.
THERE SKEETER AND I WERE
WATCHING THE MOST EXCITING
SMASH ADAMS MOVIE
THAT WE'D ONLY SEEN
SEVEN EXCITING TIMES
WHEN SUDDENLY
OW!
SHH!
WHAT'S WRONG, DOUG?
[ mumbling]
IT'S MY TOOTH, SKEET--
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY TOOTH.
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
NOPE NOPE.
AH, HERE WE GO.
WHOA!
[ angry clamoring]
HELLO, BOYS.
GENTLEMEN, SHALL WE DANCE?
[ Doug grunting]
[ shouts]
OW!
[ squeals]
OW! MAN
Skeeter:
YOU'LL HAVE TO
HOLD STILL, DOUG.
UH-HUH
OKAY, LET'S SEE
[ hums]
OKAY [ gasps]
WOW!
WHAT? WHAT?
DID YOU KNOW
THAT ONE OF YOUR TEETH
LOOKS JUST LIKE MY AUNT MABEL?
OH, LET ME SEE.
I WANT TO SEE.
OH, IT LOOKS
JUST LIKE HER!
HEY, IT'S MY SORE TOOTH
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR
NOT YOUR RELATIVES,
SKEETER!
NAH, HER EARS
DON'T GO LIKE THAT.
SKEETER!
OOH.
OOH.
WHAT? WHAT?
LOOKS LIKE I
MIGHT BE A CAVITY.
AW, THAT'S ALL?
THAT'S NOTHING.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I'VE NEVER HAD A CAVITY.
THIS IS TERRIBLE!
YOU JUST HAVE TO GO
TO THE DENTIS
AND GET IT DRILLED.
THE DENTIST GIVES ME
THE WILLIES.
BUT AFTERWARDS,
YOUR TEETH FEEL GREAT!
YOU LIKE
THE DENTIST, PATTI?
HOW MANY CAVITIES
HAVE YOU HAD?
ACTUALLY, NONE.
IF I DID, I'D PROBABLY
BE SO SCARED.
ALL THAT DRILLING
AND NEEDLES-- OOH!
THANKS, PATTI.
THANKS A LOT.
MAYBE IT ISN'
A CAVITY AT ALL.
MAYBE IT'S JUST A
Roger:
A ROTTEN TOOTH!
WHAT?
I HEAR YOU GOT A ROTTEN TOOTH--
A BUM CHICLE
A BUSTED CHEWER.
I'VE GOT A SORE
TOOTH IS ALL.
WHATEVER.
I BET YOU'RE
SCARED.
NO, I'M NOT.
WHEN THAT QUACK GETS HIS MITTS
INSIDE YOUR PIE-HOLE
YOU'LL BE SCREAMING!
WHAT?
DENTISTS GET PAID
FOR EACH TOOTH
THEY PULL!
HOW DO YOU THINK
THEY EARN
SO MUCH?
CUT IT OUT, ROGER!
YOU MEAN "YANK IT OUT,"
DON'T YOU, FUNNIE?
[ snickering]
BOY, PORKCHOP, ONE DAY
YOU HAVE A PERFECT SMILE
AND THE NEXT,
YOU'RE GUMMING APPLESAUCE.
BUT THE DENTISTS
CAN'T ALL BE QUACKS.
THEY WOULDN'T LET JUST ANYBODY
START PULLING TEETH.
WOULD THEY?
[ hinge groans]
[ sinister cackling]
ULL EVER AKE EE OCK, OCTOR ECAY!
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
I SAID YOU'LL NEVER
MAKE ME TALK, DR. DECAY!
OH, I DON'T WANT YOU
TO TALK, MR. ADAMS
I WANT YOU TO SUFFER!
[ laughing maniacally]
[ shrieking laughter]
[ gasps]
JUST TO BE SAFE, I DECIDED
THE BEST THING TO DO
WAS TO WAIT
FOR THE PAIN TO GO AWAY.
AND WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE IN A COUPLE OF DAYS
I WON'T FEEL A THING.
OW!
Mr. Dink:
HELLO!
HEY,
MR. DINK.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU LOOK A LITTLE
DOWN IN THE MOUTH.
OH, NOTHING.
SAY, HAVE YOU
EVER HAD A CAVITY?
SURE, I HAD THEM ALL THE TIME.
TOO MANY CHOCOLATE SHAKES,
I SUPPOSE.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
WHY, NOTHING, DOUGLAS.
EVENTUALLY, THE WHOLE
PROBLEM JUST WENT AWAY.
REALLY? WHEN WAS THAT?
WELL, LET'S SEE
WHY, THAT'LL BE
[ gasps]
12 YEARS AGO NEXT TUESDAY.
BOY, HAS IT BEEN
THAT LONG ALREADY?
[ gasps]
IT SEEMS LIKE I JUS
REPLACED MY OLD CHOPPERS
WITH TITANIUM ALLOY.
[ guffaws]
VERY EXPENSIVE.
[ lisping:]
PATTI, WANT TO
SHAG SOME BALLS?
[ guffawing]
WHY, MY TEETH
WERE SO ROTTEN
YOU PROBABLY COULDN'
REALLY CALL THEM TEETH.
UH, THANKS, MR. DINK.
YOU YOU'VE REALLY
HELPED ME OUT.
ANYTIME, DOUGLAS!
AFTER SEEING WHAT HAPPENED
TO MR. DINK'S TEETH
I DECIDED IT WAS BEST
TO GO TO THE DENTIST.
IT COULDN'T BE AS BAD
AS EVERYBODY SAID IT WAS.
"DENTAL COLLEGE OF NEW HAMPSTER.
DR. KAY, D.D.S."
HMM, MAYBE THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE AFRAID OF AFTER ALL.
Woman:
FURRIE--
DOUG FURRIE?
FURRIE-- DOUG FURRIE?
THAT'S "FUNNIE,"
AND I'M RIGHT HERE.
FOLLOW ME.
YOUR
EXAMINATION
WILL STAR
SHORTLY.
THE DOCTOR'S
WITH ANOTHER
PATIENT RIGHT NOW.
[ patient screaming]
[ gulps]
OH OH,
I'M IN NO HURRY.
[ patient screaming in pain]
I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE BAD,
BUT NOT THIS BAD.
EVEN SMASH WOULD THINK TWICE
BEFORE STICKING AROUND FOR THIS.
[ drill whirring;
Dr. Decay cackling]
HUH?
[ tires squealing]
HUH?
[ gasps]
[ heart pounding]
THE DOCTOR
WILL BE WITH YOU SHORTLY.
[ moans]
COMFORTABLE?
YES, MA'AM.
NO PROBLEM.
[ muffled screams]
HUH?
IF I COULD HOLD OUT
A LITTLE LONGER
THIS THING WOULD BE OVER WITH
AND I'D HAVE NO MORE PROBLEMS.
OR MAYBE NOT.
TOO LATE.
Woman:
GOOD MORNING,
MR. FUNNIE.
YOU'RE THE DENTIST?
YES, AND YOU CAN CALL ME
DR. KAY.
UH, YEAH
I MEAN, RIGHT, DR. KAY.
SO, I HEAR YOU HAVE
YOUR FIRST CAVITY.
YEAH, WELL, I SUPPOSE THERE'S
A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.
IT SEEMS LIKE I HAD JUST GOTTEN
THERE WHEN DR. KAY SAID
ALL FINISHED.
WOW, THAT'S IT, HUH?
IT WASN'T THAT BAD!
[ laughing:]
OH, GOOD.
LET'S JUST DRILL
SOME MORE.
NO, I THINK ONE IS
ENOUGH FOR TODAY.
[ laughs]
MR. FUNNIE
IT WAS A
PLEASURE WORKING
ON A PATIEN
AS GOOD AS YOU.
IWAS A GOOD PATIENT?
YES-- NOT EVERYONE IS
AS CALM AT THE DENTIST.
YOU'D BE
SURPRISED
HOW NERVOUS
SOME PEOPLE GET.
YEAH, CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?
[ patient screams]
WHAT WAS THAT?
THAT'S MY
OTHER PATIENT.
I'M JUST GOING
TO CLEAN HIS TEETH.
HE'S A BIT SQUEAMISH.
Boy:OH, NO,NOT YOU!
[ screeching]
[ screaming]
FUNNIE!
WATCH OUT!
SHE'S
DANGEROUS!
SHE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!
WHOA!
GET ME OUT OF HERE!
I GUESS ROGER'S GO
A SUPER-LOW
THRESHOLD OF PAIN.
WELL, THIS WHOLE TOOTH BUSINESS
WASN'T AS BAD
AS I MADE IT OUT TO BE.
I GUESS I MADE
A BIGGER DEAL OUT OF I
THAN I SHOULD HAVE.
AND IT SORT OF
BOILS DOWN TO THA
"SOMETIMES YOU'RE
SCARED OF BEING SCARED
WHICH MAKES YOU SCARED."
Mr. Dink:
TIPPY, HAVE YOU
SEEN MY TEETH?
HMM,
LET'S SEE
I HAD THEM HERE EARLIER.
HEY, PORKCHOP, MR. DINK IS
LOOKING FOR HIS CHOPPERS.
I WONDER WHERE THEY COULD BE?
[ Porkchop barking]
[ flamenco music]
[ teeth clacking]
YOU GOTTA SHOU
YOUR LUNGS OUT! ♪
YOU GOTTA HOLLER, GOTTA YELL,
YOU GOTTA CLAP, YOU GOTTA WAIL ♪
YOU GOTTA SHOU
YOUR LUNGS OUT! ♪
YOU GOTTA ROLL
YOUR WINDOW DOWN ♪
YOU GOTTA ROCK YOUR SOCKS,
YOU GOTTA ROLL YOUR SOUL ♪
BUST A VOCAL CHORD
YOU GOTTA LOSE CONTROL!
[ singer wails]
[ guitar solo]
YOU GOTTA ROLL
YOUR WINDOW DOWN ♪
YOU GOTTA ROCK YOUR SOCKS,
YOU GOTTA ROLL YOUR SOUL ♪
BUST A VOCAL CHORD
YOU GOTTA LOSE CONTROL!
[ singer screeches]
YOU GOTTA WHISTLE,
GOTTA ROMP ♪
YOU GOTTA SCREAM,
YOU GOTTA STOMP ♪
YOU GOTTA SHOU
YOUR LUNGS OUT! ♪