Early Edition (1996) s02e12 Episode Script
Romancing the Throne
We've been through it.
I don't want to talk to your lawyer.
Yeah, yeah, I hear you.
You want the kids, you want the house, you want the car.
Anything else? The jockey shorts? Socket wrenches? Excuse me.
You're-you're gonna do what?! Look, you can't attach my wages! How am I supposed to pay my bills?! Excuse me.
What? Listen, you've got an obstruction on Track One out of Grant Park.
There's nothing moving on the Grant Park line.
Well No, no, no, Edith, I'm not moving to Grant Park.
No, that-that's because it hasn't happened yet.
You see Well, see, I got a cousin who lives out that way and he called me.
What kind of obstruction? It A, uh, bovine obstruction.
Bovine? We're talking cows? Cows in Grant Park? One cow.
Well, there's a milk promotion and the-the gate on the truck fell down and the cow walked out and Her name's Daisy.
Holy cow.
I got to switch it now.
He'll be here.
This is so typical.
We're on the list for the The Mighty Blue Kings.
I had to comp the publicist four free meals just to get on that list, and Oh, finally.
I had to, uh, fix a train.
Oh, that's great.
We don't care.
I'll just go change my jacket.
He looks terrible.
He's been working too hard.
Hey, don't kid yourself.
He thrives on this stuff.
He's exhausted, Chuck.
Let me tell you something about Gary.
He has the stamina of a horse.
Sorry.
Gare! Come on, let's go! You are a major disappointment to me.
What if you knew, beyond a doubt, what was going to happen tomorrow? What would you do? There's no easy answer for a guy who gets tomorrow's news today.
* * This is Robin Santos of Channel Three Chicago.
We're here to cover the arrival of Princess Sibella of Morenia.
There's the limo.
Chicago is her fifth stop in a two month world tour, and also marks the princess' first visit to America.
The official welcoming committee has been carefully chosen to represent the various political, economic and cultural aspects of our city.
Princess Sibella is the only daughter of King William of Morenia.
We're seeing the princess' press secretary and lady in waiting get out of the car first.
There she is.
Welcome to Chicago, Princess.
Considering the long flight, she looks remarkably poised and well-rested.
Mr.
Robert Castra, the Lieutenant Governor.
Your Royal Highness, I'd like to welcome you on behalf of the people of Illinois.
I am so looking forward to my visit, Governor.
I hear the King is doing a fine job with his modernization programs.
My father will be delighted to hear of your interest.
Mr.
John McCarta, President of the Field Museum.
Your Highness.
Mr.
McCarta, I have heard so many wonderful things about your museum.
Alderman Burton Natares and Bernard Stone.
Delighted, Mr.
Natares.
Mr.
Stone.
Ma'am.
Mr.
Sidney Edwards, General Manager of Rail Operations.
Your Royal Highness.
Your elevated trains fascinate me, Mr.
Edwards.
Mr.
Oberto Martinez.
Encantada, Senor Martinez.
Mucho gusto.
At 2:30, we have a television interview with Chicago Today.
I talk about Morenia.
I am charming and earnest.
At 3:05, we visit Francis Xavier Middle School.
I discuss world friendship.
I am funny and warm.
And at 6:30, we return to the hotel for a reception to benefit the Morenian Immigrant Trust.
Oh, I urge people to contribute.
I care deeply about this cause No.
That would be showing a preference.
We care deeply about this cause, as we do all worthy causes.
Of course.
What time? Well, if it isn't Sleeping Beauty.
This is today's paper.
Yeah? Where is it? Where's what? Tomorrow's paper.
I didn't touch it.
Come on, don't give me that! Excuse me, but I have more important things to do than abduct your precious newspaper.
What, I'm not sure exactly, but I'm sure I could find something.
Did I give you my new cell phone number? Where is it? The cell phone? Tomorrow's paper! Where is it? Okay, fine.
All right.
Here.
I thought I'd give you a little day off.
A little rest.
You went straight to the sports page, didn't you? No.
The stocks.
That's my new Rolls Royce parked out front.
Just kidding.
Nothing important in there anyway.
Nothing important? What about this, "Park Ranger Injured in Protest?" He gets bit by a dachshund.
What about this? "Sanitation Worker Trapped in Sewer Mishap?" How about that? Big deal.
For 30 minutes.
Here's my number.
"Jilted Mistress Shoots Lover.
" Yeah, she shoots him in the butt.
Well, let me tell you something, pal, gunshot wounds, they cause complications, too.
Oh, fine! So sue me for trying to help you! I don't need help.
I got responsibilities, huh? Where's she from again? Morenia.
Never heard of it.
It's on the Black Sea.
Balkan Peninsula.
Five million people.
Primary industries are sheep, goats and olive oil.
Average annual rainfall is about Okay.
Hey, I read.
My favorite part of Chicago? Everything we have seen has been equally delightful.
This is Mrs.
Steinman, Your Highness.
Your Royal Highness, I've always wanted to see Morenia.
I hear the Pindas Mountains are just gorgeous.
We do so look forward to your visit.
Oh Mr.
and Mrs.
Joffee.
They have contributed a great deal of money to the Refugee Trust.
Your Highness? Ma'am? We would like to express our deepest gratitude.
Thank you.
Your Royal Highness, you must be patient with your duties.
You should be honored that the King and Queen that the King and Queen feel you can be entrusted with important responsibilities.
Honored? Your Royal Highness, this is Mrs.
Abergoff.
It is an honor to meet you.
May I present Mr.
Gillard.
He's celebrating his 87th birthday this week.
The heartiest of congratulations, Mr.
Gillard.
Thank you so much, your highness.
It means a great deal to me.
Your Highness, there's nothing the matter, is there? Just two minutes! Two minutes! Sir! Another punch, ma'am? I'm exhausted.
How much longer? Okay, uh Ow! You shot me in the butt! Oh, yeah, like you didn't deserve it? Excuse me, ma'am.
Mr.
Gillespie, I wanted a word with you about the press conference.
No problem.
I'd rather not have a I am honored to meet you.
WOMAN Will the owner of a gray van parked in the hotel entrance contact the bellman? All right, next cab, let's go! Hey, find the guy who parked here and tell him to move it now.
Yes, sir.
I know.
Hey.
Who are you? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
You can't sleep in here.
Hey.
Hey, who are you? Where do you live? Large place with stairs.
Listen, lady, you got you got a purse or something? Y Hey, come on, can you sit up? Can-can you sit up? There yeah, there you go.
Hey Easy.
You have a very interesting chin.
Oh, boy, that's a doozy of a party.
Party.
Yeah.
Listen to me, we're gonna get you home, okay? Easy.
Easy.
Now, listen to me.
Now, where do you live? Huh? You Oh, no.
Hey.
Oh.
Oh, boy.
All right.
Oh There we go.
All right.
Here we are.
Whoa.
Okay? Okay.
Oh, no, no, no.
You've got the couch.
There.
All right Whoa, whoa, uh, let me get you some, uh, I'll get you some pajamas, how's that? Ooh, lace with tiny little rosebuds! I'll see what I can do.
Mm.
You know, you really shouldn't, uh, be getting into strange cars.
That's not too, uh, too safe to be doing.
I mean, it's a friendly city a friendly, uh, city, but, uh, that's Oh, boy.
That's still not, uh, too safe to be doing, because for obvious reasons, it's just not, uh So, uh, you take the couch, and I'll Uh, I'll take the couch.
Good night.
Good night.
to be diverted off State Highway 43 at the East Lake off-ramp due to construction.
Alternate routes suggested.
You can take Highway 94 Shut up.
It's not what it looks like.
Who's there? Gary Hobson.
Who? I live here.
Why should I believe you? Because.
Because why? Because I say so.
What did you say your name was again? Hobson, Gary.
I do not know any Hobson Gary.
No, it's Gary Hob Look, go over to that table over there behind you.
There's some pictures on there- pictures of me, in my apartment, the one you're in.
There is a resemblance.
Yeah.
That's because it's me.
This is my apartment, and you're in it.
Uh did we? No! I mean, no, we didn't.
In that case, you may sit down.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
We haven't been properly introduced.
Uh Uh, Lowe Lowie.
Lowe Lowie.
That's-that's a very unusual name.
Uh, it is short for uh, Chloe.
So you're-you're visiting from out of town Lowie? Lowie.
Yes, mm-hmm.
What country? Oh, it is very small.
You wouldn't have heard of it.
Maybe in the vicinity of Europe? Mm-hmm.
A republic? Monarchy.
I- I think.
But I stay out of politics.
You stay out of politics.
A- And so what would you be doing visiting Chicago? Um I am on sort of a sightseeing tour.
I needed some time on my own, so I left my tour group.
Last night? Mm-hmm.
I was very tired, and my feet hurt from all of the sightseeing.
It can get overwhelming at times, you know.
Don't you think you ought to tell your tour guide? He's not very sympathetic.
Well, maybe he's missing you right now.
No! He won't even notice I'm gone.
She's gone! Oh! I haven't left her side for 18 years! Well, if you hadn't been flirting with that idiot at reception, none of this would've happened! Well, if you hadn't scheduled the princess to death Vesti here.
The king! Yes, sir.
How good to hear your voice.
The princess is asleep.
Yes, sir, I-I think she's feeling a little ill.
Shall I wake her? No, no, of course not.
We'll call you as soon as she awakens.
Good-bye, sir.
And may I say what a pleasure it is speaking with you.
Oh, God, you've lied to the king.
Well, she's out there somewhere.
I'll find her- even if I have to cover every square inch of Chicago myself.
You have a princess upstairs in your bed? Shh.
Uh, she's not in my bed.
Well, not anymore, 'cause she's getting dressed.
Oh, and did you two, uh I'm just asking- you would've asked me the same question.
Listen to me, I need your help.
What am I supposed to do? Well, isn't it obvious? Got to take her back to her people.
I don't think she wants to go back to her people.
What do you mean, you don't think? Well, I I haven't exactly, uh, told her that I I know who she is, you see.
Yeah? And, uh, look, I mean, it's hard to explain - you got to see her to understand.
Oh, yeah.
And all she wants is a day off- what's so wrong about that? She's from Morenia, Gary.
So? Morenia.
When I was a kid, I used to collect stamps, and the one from Morenia had a head on a pike.
A human head.
A head on a pike? We're talking the Balkans here.
You don't want to mess with these people.
A head on a pike? A bloody head.
Well, yeah, but you don't understand Look you brought a puppy home, and Uncle Chuck says nope, you can't keep it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got things to do today.
I'm-I'm-I'm busy today.
I'll just tell her she's got to go back.
Yeah.
Hurry up, before the storm troopers come calling.
Lowie? Lowie? She's gone! Good.
No, it's not- she took my wallet.
Princess to petty thief in under 20 seconds.
Very impressive.
Hello.
My, uh my wallet seems to have run off somewhere.
You wouldn't happen to know where, would you? I took it.
We will reimburse you, of course.
Oh, of course y Well, those are nice clothes you have on.
A trifle large.
But very comfortable.
All right, so what's the story? My story? Yeah, the story- what are you doing here? I want to see Chicago.
Look at all of the different coffees you have.
It's wonderful! Yeah.
Now, listen, Lowie I would have come back.
Honestly.
Listen, Lowie, I don't have time for this.
I'm in a hurry.
I I didn't thank you for letting me stay with you.
W- Well, you're welcome.
It is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Helping me to have a day off.
No responsibilities, no worries.
Yeah, but listen, uh Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
"26-year-old mother of two was seriously injured yesterday "in a freak accident at La Salle Skating Rink.
"A teenager was practicing slap shots as the woman "and her eight-year-old daughter came onto the ice.
"The puck ricocheted off a goal post, hitting the woman in the temple.
" Wait, I'm coming! Listen to me.
You can't go traipsing around Chicago, 'cause you're gonna get lost, or you're gonna get hurt or something.
Then I could come with you.
No, you can't.
Why not? Well, you just can't.
You hate me.
Huh? I've taken your money, and I've ruined your day.
Well-well, no, now, why would you say that? Because if you liked me, I could come with you.
No! I mean, I do like you.
I just Look, I've got business to attend to all the way on the other side of town.
I got to go to a skating rink this morning.
Skating? That's wonderful! I love skating! You do? I do! Come on, man, we got to get off the ice.
Oh, come on, four more pucks.
Hey! Are you all right? I'm okay.
I Mister, next time bring your own equipment.
Let's get outta here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks, man.
That woman would have been killed! How did you know?! How? Oh I didn't.
I, uh, well, I-I figured that you were only gonna be in Chicago for a day, so I, I thought we'd go skating.
Really?! Oh! Vesti here.
Your Majesty.
Uh, how are things in Morenia? Good, good.
Oh, no, no, the Princess is still asleep.
We suspect maybe a Hong Kong flu.
Yes, yes, I'll give her your regards the instant I see her.
Hey, look, don't you think we've had enough for today? It's wonderful! Yeah, well, look, I got, I got things I gotta do, you see.
Hey, do you always hide behind your newspaper? I'm an avid reader.
Hey! Page one! Page two! Don't do that! Look Hey, there's important stuff in there.
Oh, important page three.
Important page four.
Hey, look out for the boards! Ooh! Ooh! Hal? Hey, how you doin'? It's Chuck Fishman.
Yeah, I'm just, uh, checking out my new cell phone here, making sure it works.
She's 21, dark hair, rather tall, regal-looking.
Somewhat unpredictable.
No, wait, wait.
You hear me? Oh, you think I'm making this up? If I'm lying, let the Sears Tower fall on my head.
Oh, detestable modern technology.
A princess.
A real live princess.
Yeah, with a crown and everything.
She's, she's at McGinty's.
At the bar, my bar, McGinty's.
Vesti here.
I've found her.
Meet me at a bar called McGinty's.
Sit.
The Princess She's not here.
Hi.
What can I get you? Oh, I'd like a cup of beer.
Everyone drinks beer here.
We must try and blend in.
And the Princess? We wait.
You're not from around here, are you? Blend, blend.
Can we go to the Shedd Aquarium? Well It's the world's largest.
indoor aquarium.
More than 6,000 freshwater marine animals.
Please, please? Well, maybe, maybe we'll do that.
We'll do that later.
Oh, look! It's gorgeous! Chicago.
Most romantic skyline in all the world.
Oh Turn it over.
It snows.
How wonderful.
Uh, Lowie, we gotta go now.
Now! Party pooper.
How much? Ten bucks.
Ten?! Here, keep it.
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Yeah.
Yeah, Lowie, we gotta talk now.
Chuck.
There's something very odd about those two.
Odd? What do you mean, odd? You know, like foreign.
Foreign? Hi, folks.
Welcome to McGinty's.
How you doin'? Very well, thank you.
You, uh, from out of town? Yes.
No.
I see.
You come here for the food and the drink or, uh, or what, huh? Ask him.
Actually, we're looking for someone.
Oh, really? Who? Our niece.
Our daughter.
Our niece's daughter.
Right.
Actually, I have a photograph.
Perhaps you've seen her.
Uh.
oh.
No, no, I'm, I'm sorry, I- I've never seen her before in my life.
Look, Lowie, I - I like you.
I like you a lot, but there's nothing more I'd rather do than spend the whole day together, but you see, I But you can't.
No, I can't, because I-I have responsibilities.
Oh, responsibilities.
I hate that word.
Well, see, Lowie, it's not just a word.
I mean, see, people depend on me.
Who? Well, I-I can't name 'em all personally, but they need me, and I can't let 'em down.
Why not? Well, because I Well, I guess it's something in here.
It wouldn't be right.
You understand that? All right, everybody conga! Fishman, you've finally lost your mind! It's that old McGinty's tradition: the 3:00 conga line! Everybody! Are you nuts? You wanna keep your job? Help me.
Come on! I can't! Blend, blend.
Gary Hey, Chuck, this is Lowie.
Lowie, this is Chuck.
Hi, Lowie.
How are you? Very well, thank you.
How are you? Me? I'm insane.
Gary, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.
You know what? Um, we just got a new menu.
I'd love you to look at it and get your opinion.
Okay.
It's right here.
Yeah.
Why don't you just check that out? Whoo! Whoo! "Buffalo wings"? How odd.
How'd they find her? I don't know.
But, but we gotta get rid of her quick.
What am I supposed to do, put her on a bus to Milwaukee? Listen, those heads- on-pikes people are on the other side of that door, so we gotta move now.
No way.
Oh, come on.
Is something wrong? No, no, no, no.
I've got some things that I'm gonna do, uh, today, and, and Chuck is gonna show you around town.
Really?! Ooh! The Field Museum, Daily Plaza, Navy Pier? We bought a guidebook, so Oh, okay, look, I know you want to see Chicago and everything, but I-I can't promise you Well, I'll be back around, uh, 7:00.
Hey, something else has come up.
Can I help you? I- I was.
I was looking for the guy that was here the other day.
He was on duty.
I think he was a supervisor He took some personal time; court date.
Now, who are you? Uh, well Listen, all I'm asking you to do is divert the train.
It's on the Orange Line, train 57.
I can't divert a train.
Well, just delay it for five minutes.
If I delay one train by five minutes, that means the next one is delayed by five minutes, and then the next and the next Look, all I'm talking about is five minutes.
I'm telling you this is a matter of life or death.
Mister, I don't know who you are, but we run the safest transit system in the entire country.
I know you do, but how about a hypothetical, okay? A- A truck goes out of control and it hits a support beam, and the train derails.
And what if a meteor dropped out of the sky? Meteors and trucks, we're talkin' two different things here, pal.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Yeah, well, that's great, but, hey, look I'm telling you it's the Orange Line.
The Orange Line, train 57 MAN Orange line right this way.
End of the line.
Does the Orange Line come through here? Last 25 years, yep.
Train 57? Yep.
What-what time? Orange Line, that'd be the Midway.
Here's the Evanston and the Ravenswood.
Yeah, oh, here- No, that's Skokie Swift.
Here we go.
comes through right about now.
See, there's no better way to see Chicago than by the train.
The faces, the places Go Bulls! The muggings.
Hey, I thought you said the train stops here.
I didn't say it stopped here, I said it came through here.
It's an express.
You like basketball? Oh, absolutely.
Jordan or Shaq? Michael Jordan, of course.
Fishman.
Chuck! I- I can't hear you.
You have to speak up.
No, it's me! You-you got to stop the train! Gare, is that you? Yeah, it's me! You got to stop the train, Chuck! Hey, Gare, listen, I'm-I'm-I'm losing you, buddy.
I'm-I'm on a train.
Y- You'll have to call back, okay? No! No! Chuck! Hey, would you watch where you're throwing the ball, please? "The accident occurred when a Pegasus moving van went out of control.
" All right, so Pegasus That's it! MAN Brown Line coming up.
Next stop, Southport.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Yes! Hey! Chuck, come on.
All right, all right.
You know, I used to play myself.
Oh, man.
Gary? What a mess.
Stop! Hey, get off! Come on.
I think he hit a utility pole.
Hey, they're live wires! Don't get out of the car! Stay in the car! Don't touch the door! Stay in the car! Don't move; they're live wires.
Come on, fellas, give me those! How do you know that? It is Croatian.
They speak it in the southern part of my country.
Gare! Look, I think we'll be all right, as long as we don't touch the car.
I think.
Watch that.
Hold it! One more! Got it? Yeah.
Come on.
Come on.
There you go.
Come on.
All right.
Everything's fine.
There you go.
There you go.
All right.
The princess had to be on the train.
Yeah, or else we wouldn't have been able to save the mother and kid.
It's like the paper knew, huh? I'm telling you, Gare, I'm getting cosmic whiplash here.
It is time.
To get back to my tour group.
Yeah.
Uh, here.
You'll never know when you need a snowball.
Thank you.
Next time you're in Chicago, you'll come see us, won't you? Good-bye.
Well, I guess we'd better get you back to that big place with the stars, huh? No.
Something I'd like to see first.
It's beautiful, huh? It's beautiful.
* * I have to leave now.
Promise you won't watch me go.
I promise.
Thank you for a lovely holiday, Gary Hobson.
Good-bye.
Princess, you have no idea.
Oh, look at you! You must be freezing! I'll draw you a bath.
No.
Princess No.
You may leave now.
Both of you.
I can draw my own bath.
ANNOUNCER Good morning, Chicago.
It's 6:30 a.
m.
, and this is Paul Groom with today's headlines.
Two men were arrested outside Ladies and gentlemen, her Royal Highness, Princess Sibella of Morenia.
The Princess will be happy to answer your questions.
Your Royal Highness, have you recovered from your illness? I'm feeling quite well now.
Thank you very much for your concern.
Has your visit cemented your country's friendship with America? I hope so.
I believe that friendship between people is the first step towards friendship between nations.
How do you balance your personal life and your duties as a princess? I try to remember that there are people out there, people in my own country, who depend on me.
I may not know them all personally, but they need me and I cannot let them down.
What was your favorite part of Chicago? I enjoyed all parts of my visit equally.
No.
That's not true.
The best part of my visit to Chicago was the people.
Their warmth, their kindness, the way they welcomed me into their lives.
It is something I will cherish forever.
If circumstances were different, it is the kind of city that I could happily spend the rest of my life.
Thank you.
Lovely speech.
Thank you.
Fairy tales do come true, if only for a day.
But you know, sometimes that day is enough to last a lifetime.
I don't want to talk to your lawyer.
Yeah, yeah, I hear you.
You want the kids, you want the house, you want the car.
Anything else? The jockey shorts? Socket wrenches? Excuse me.
You're-you're gonna do what?! Look, you can't attach my wages! How am I supposed to pay my bills?! Excuse me.
What? Listen, you've got an obstruction on Track One out of Grant Park.
There's nothing moving on the Grant Park line.
Well No, no, no, Edith, I'm not moving to Grant Park.
No, that-that's because it hasn't happened yet.
You see Well, see, I got a cousin who lives out that way and he called me.
What kind of obstruction? It A, uh, bovine obstruction.
Bovine? We're talking cows? Cows in Grant Park? One cow.
Well, there's a milk promotion and the-the gate on the truck fell down and the cow walked out and Her name's Daisy.
Holy cow.
I got to switch it now.
He'll be here.
This is so typical.
We're on the list for the The Mighty Blue Kings.
I had to comp the publicist four free meals just to get on that list, and Oh, finally.
I had to, uh, fix a train.
Oh, that's great.
We don't care.
I'll just go change my jacket.
He looks terrible.
He's been working too hard.
Hey, don't kid yourself.
He thrives on this stuff.
He's exhausted, Chuck.
Let me tell you something about Gary.
He has the stamina of a horse.
Sorry.
Gare! Come on, let's go! You are a major disappointment to me.
What if you knew, beyond a doubt, what was going to happen tomorrow? What would you do? There's no easy answer for a guy who gets tomorrow's news today.
* * This is Robin Santos of Channel Three Chicago.
We're here to cover the arrival of Princess Sibella of Morenia.
There's the limo.
Chicago is her fifth stop in a two month world tour, and also marks the princess' first visit to America.
The official welcoming committee has been carefully chosen to represent the various political, economic and cultural aspects of our city.
Princess Sibella is the only daughter of King William of Morenia.
We're seeing the princess' press secretary and lady in waiting get out of the car first.
There she is.
Welcome to Chicago, Princess.
Considering the long flight, she looks remarkably poised and well-rested.
Mr.
Robert Castra, the Lieutenant Governor.
Your Royal Highness, I'd like to welcome you on behalf of the people of Illinois.
I am so looking forward to my visit, Governor.
I hear the King is doing a fine job with his modernization programs.
My father will be delighted to hear of your interest.
Mr.
John McCarta, President of the Field Museum.
Your Highness.
Mr.
McCarta, I have heard so many wonderful things about your museum.
Alderman Burton Natares and Bernard Stone.
Delighted, Mr.
Natares.
Mr.
Stone.
Ma'am.
Mr.
Sidney Edwards, General Manager of Rail Operations.
Your Royal Highness.
Your elevated trains fascinate me, Mr.
Edwards.
Mr.
Oberto Martinez.
Encantada, Senor Martinez.
Mucho gusto.
At 2:30, we have a television interview with Chicago Today.
I talk about Morenia.
I am charming and earnest.
At 3:05, we visit Francis Xavier Middle School.
I discuss world friendship.
I am funny and warm.
And at 6:30, we return to the hotel for a reception to benefit the Morenian Immigrant Trust.
Oh, I urge people to contribute.
I care deeply about this cause No.
That would be showing a preference.
We care deeply about this cause, as we do all worthy causes.
Of course.
What time? Well, if it isn't Sleeping Beauty.
This is today's paper.
Yeah? Where is it? Where's what? Tomorrow's paper.
I didn't touch it.
Come on, don't give me that! Excuse me, but I have more important things to do than abduct your precious newspaper.
What, I'm not sure exactly, but I'm sure I could find something.
Did I give you my new cell phone number? Where is it? The cell phone? Tomorrow's paper! Where is it? Okay, fine.
All right.
Here.
I thought I'd give you a little day off.
A little rest.
You went straight to the sports page, didn't you? No.
The stocks.
That's my new Rolls Royce parked out front.
Just kidding.
Nothing important in there anyway.
Nothing important? What about this, "Park Ranger Injured in Protest?" He gets bit by a dachshund.
What about this? "Sanitation Worker Trapped in Sewer Mishap?" How about that? Big deal.
For 30 minutes.
Here's my number.
"Jilted Mistress Shoots Lover.
" Yeah, she shoots him in the butt.
Well, let me tell you something, pal, gunshot wounds, they cause complications, too.
Oh, fine! So sue me for trying to help you! I don't need help.
I got responsibilities, huh? Where's she from again? Morenia.
Never heard of it.
It's on the Black Sea.
Balkan Peninsula.
Five million people.
Primary industries are sheep, goats and olive oil.
Average annual rainfall is about Okay.
Hey, I read.
My favorite part of Chicago? Everything we have seen has been equally delightful.
This is Mrs.
Steinman, Your Highness.
Your Royal Highness, I've always wanted to see Morenia.
I hear the Pindas Mountains are just gorgeous.
We do so look forward to your visit.
Oh Mr.
and Mrs.
Joffee.
They have contributed a great deal of money to the Refugee Trust.
Your Highness? Ma'am? We would like to express our deepest gratitude.
Thank you.
Your Royal Highness, you must be patient with your duties.
You should be honored that the King and Queen that the King and Queen feel you can be entrusted with important responsibilities.
Honored? Your Royal Highness, this is Mrs.
Abergoff.
It is an honor to meet you.
May I present Mr.
Gillard.
He's celebrating his 87th birthday this week.
The heartiest of congratulations, Mr.
Gillard.
Thank you so much, your highness.
It means a great deal to me.
Your Highness, there's nothing the matter, is there? Just two minutes! Two minutes! Sir! Another punch, ma'am? I'm exhausted.
How much longer? Okay, uh Ow! You shot me in the butt! Oh, yeah, like you didn't deserve it? Excuse me, ma'am.
Mr.
Gillespie, I wanted a word with you about the press conference.
No problem.
I'd rather not have a I am honored to meet you.
WOMAN Will the owner of a gray van parked in the hotel entrance contact the bellman? All right, next cab, let's go! Hey, find the guy who parked here and tell him to move it now.
Yes, sir.
I know.
Hey.
Who are you? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
You can't sleep in here.
Hey.
Hey, who are you? Where do you live? Large place with stairs.
Listen, lady, you got you got a purse or something? Y Hey, come on, can you sit up? Can-can you sit up? There yeah, there you go.
Hey Easy.
You have a very interesting chin.
Oh, boy, that's a doozy of a party.
Party.
Yeah.
Listen to me, we're gonna get you home, okay? Easy.
Easy.
Now, listen to me.
Now, where do you live? Huh? You Oh, no.
Hey.
Oh.
Oh, boy.
All right.
Oh There we go.
All right.
Here we are.
Whoa.
Okay? Okay.
Oh, no, no, no.
You've got the couch.
There.
All right Whoa, whoa, uh, let me get you some, uh, I'll get you some pajamas, how's that? Ooh, lace with tiny little rosebuds! I'll see what I can do.
Mm.
You know, you really shouldn't, uh, be getting into strange cars.
That's not too, uh, too safe to be doing.
I mean, it's a friendly city a friendly, uh, city, but, uh, that's Oh, boy.
That's still not, uh, too safe to be doing, because for obvious reasons, it's just not, uh So, uh, you take the couch, and I'll Uh, I'll take the couch.
Good night.
Good night.
to be diverted off State Highway 43 at the East Lake off-ramp due to construction.
Alternate routes suggested.
You can take Highway 94 Shut up.
It's not what it looks like.
Who's there? Gary Hobson.
Who? I live here.
Why should I believe you? Because.
Because why? Because I say so.
What did you say your name was again? Hobson, Gary.
I do not know any Hobson Gary.
No, it's Gary Hob Look, go over to that table over there behind you.
There's some pictures on there- pictures of me, in my apartment, the one you're in.
There is a resemblance.
Yeah.
That's because it's me.
This is my apartment, and you're in it.
Uh did we? No! I mean, no, we didn't.
In that case, you may sit down.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
We haven't been properly introduced.
Uh Uh, Lowe Lowie.
Lowe Lowie.
That's-that's a very unusual name.
Uh, it is short for uh, Chloe.
So you're-you're visiting from out of town Lowie? Lowie.
Yes, mm-hmm.
What country? Oh, it is very small.
You wouldn't have heard of it.
Maybe in the vicinity of Europe? Mm-hmm.
A republic? Monarchy.
I- I think.
But I stay out of politics.
You stay out of politics.
A- And so what would you be doing visiting Chicago? Um I am on sort of a sightseeing tour.
I needed some time on my own, so I left my tour group.
Last night? Mm-hmm.
I was very tired, and my feet hurt from all of the sightseeing.
It can get overwhelming at times, you know.
Don't you think you ought to tell your tour guide? He's not very sympathetic.
Well, maybe he's missing you right now.
No! He won't even notice I'm gone.
She's gone! Oh! I haven't left her side for 18 years! Well, if you hadn't been flirting with that idiot at reception, none of this would've happened! Well, if you hadn't scheduled the princess to death Vesti here.
The king! Yes, sir.
How good to hear your voice.
The princess is asleep.
Yes, sir, I-I think she's feeling a little ill.
Shall I wake her? No, no, of course not.
We'll call you as soon as she awakens.
Good-bye, sir.
And may I say what a pleasure it is speaking with you.
Oh, God, you've lied to the king.
Well, she's out there somewhere.
I'll find her- even if I have to cover every square inch of Chicago myself.
You have a princess upstairs in your bed? Shh.
Uh, she's not in my bed.
Well, not anymore, 'cause she's getting dressed.
Oh, and did you two, uh I'm just asking- you would've asked me the same question.
Listen to me, I need your help.
What am I supposed to do? Well, isn't it obvious? Got to take her back to her people.
I don't think she wants to go back to her people.
What do you mean, you don't think? Well, I I haven't exactly, uh, told her that I I know who she is, you see.
Yeah? And, uh, look, I mean, it's hard to explain - you got to see her to understand.
Oh, yeah.
And all she wants is a day off- what's so wrong about that? She's from Morenia, Gary.
So? Morenia.
When I was a kid, I used to collect stamps, and the one from Morenia had a head on a pike.
A human head.
A head on a pike? We're talking the Balkans here.
You don't want to mess with these people.
A head on a pike? A bloody head.
Well, yeah, but you don't understand Look you brought a puppy home, and Uncle Chuck says nope, you can't keep it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got things to do today.
I'm-I'm-I'm busy today.
I'll just tell her she's got to go back.
Yeah.
Hurry up, before the storm troopers come calling.
Lowie? Lowie? She's gone! Good.
No, it's not- she took my wallet.
Princess to petty thief in under 20 seconds.
Very impressive.
Hello.
My, uh my wallet seems to have run off somewhere.
You wouldn't happen to know where, would you? I took it.
We will reimburse you, of course.
Oh, of course y Well, those are nice clothes you have on.
A trifle large.
But very comfortable.
All right, so what's the story? My story? Yeah, the story- what are you doing here? I want to see Chicago.
Look at all of the different coffees you have.
It's wonderful! Yeah.
Now, listen, Lowie I would have come back.
Honestly.
Listen, Lowie, I don't have time for this.
I'm in a hurry.
I I didn't thank you for letting me stay with you.
W- Well, you're welcome.
It is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Helping me to have a day off.
No responsibilities, no worries.
Yeah, but listen, uh Excuse me.
I'll be right back.
"26-year-old mother of two was seriously injured yesterday "in a freak accident at La Salle Skating Rink.
"A teenager was practicing slap shots as the woman "and her eight-year-old daughter came onto the ice.
"The puck ricocheted off a goal post, hitting the woman in the temple.
" Wait, I'm coming! Listen to me.
You can't go traipsing around Chicago, 'cause you're gonna get lost, or you're gonna get hurt or something.
Then I could come with you.
No, you can't.
Why not? Well, you just can't.
You hate me.
Huh? I've taken your money, and I've ruined your day.
Well-well, no, now, why would you say that? Because if you liked me, I could come with you.
No! I mean, I do like you.
I just Look, I've got business to attend to all the way on the other side of town.
I got to go to a skating rink this morning.
Skating? That's wonderful! I love skating! You do? I do! Come on, man, we got to get off the ice.
Oh, come on, four more pucks.
Hey! Are you all right? I'm okay.
I Mister, next time bring your own equipment.
Let's get outta here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks, man.
That woman would have been killed! How did you know?! How? Oh I didn't.
I, uh, well, I-I figured that you were only gonna be in Chicago for a day, so I, I thought we'd go skating.
Really?! Oh! Vesti here.
Your Majesty.
Uh, how are things in Morenia? Good, good.
Oh, no, no, the Princess is still asleep.
We suspect maybe a Hong Kong flu.
Yes, yes, I'll give her your regards the instant I see her.
Hey, look, don't you think we've had enough for today? It's wonderful! Yeah, well, look, I got, I got things I gotta do, you see.
Hey, do you always hide behind your newspaper? I'm an avid reader.
Hey! Page one! Page two! Don't do that! Look Hey, there's important stuff in there.
Oh, important page three.
Important page four.
Hey, look out for the boards! Ooh! Ooh! Hal? Hey, how you doin'? It's Chuck Fishman.
Yeah, I'm just, uh, checking out my new cell phone here, making sure it works.
She's 21, dark hair, rather tall, regal-looking.
Somewhat unpredictable.
No, wait, wait.
You hear me? Oh, you think I'm making this up? If I'm lying, let the Sears Tower fall on my head.
Oh, detestable modern technology.
A princess.
A real live princess.
Yeah, with a crown and everything.
She's, she's at McGinty's.
At the bar, my bar, McGinty's.
Vesti here.
I've found her.
Meet me at a bar called McGinty's.
Sit.
The Princess She's not here.
Hi.
What can I get you? Oh, I'd like a cup of beer.
Everyone drinks beer here.
We must try and blend in.
And the Princess? We wait.
You're not from around here, are you? Blend, blend.
Can we go to the Shedd Aquarium? Well It's the world's largest.
indoor aquarium.
More than 6,000 freshwater marine animals.
Please, please? Well, maybe, maybe we'll do that.
We'll do that later.
Oh, look! It's gorgeous! Chicago.
Most romantic skyline in all the world.
Oh Turn it over.
It snows.
How wonderful.
Uh, Lowie, we gotta go now.
Now! Party pooper.
How much? Ten bucks.
Ten?! Here, keep it.
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Yeah.
Yeah, Lowie, we gotta talk now.
Chuck.
There's something very odd about those two.
Odd? What do you mean, odd? You know, like foreign.
Foreign? Hi, folks.
Welcome to McGinty's.
How you doin'? Very well, thank you.
You, uh, from out of town? Yes.
No.
I see.
You come here for the food and the drink or, uh, or what, huh? Ask him.
Actually, we're looking for someone.
Oh, really? Who? Our niece.
Our daughter.
Our niece's daughter.
Right.
Actually, I have a photograph.
Perhaps you've seen her.
Uh.
oh.
No, no, I'm, I'm sorry, I- I've never seen her before in my life.
Look, Lowie, I - I like you.
I like you a lot, but there's nothing more I'd rather do than spend the whole day together, but you see, I But you can't.
No, I can't, because I-I have responsibilities.
Oh, responsibilities.
I hate that word.
Well, see, Lowie, it's not just a word.
I mean, see, people depend on me.
Who? Well, I-I can't name 'em all personally, but they need me, and I can't let 'em down.
Why not? Well, because I Well, I guess it's something in here.
It wouldn't be right.
You understand that? All right, everybody conga! Fishman, you've finally lost your mind! It's that old McGinty's tradition: the 3:00 conga line! Everybody! Are you nuts? You wanna keep your job? Help me.
Come on! I can't! Blend, blend.
Gary Hey, Chuck, this is Lowie.
Lowie, this is Chuck.
Hi, Lowie.
How are you? Very well, thank you.
How are you? Me? I'm insane.
Gary, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.
You know what? Um, we just got a new menu.
I'd love you to look at it and get your opinion.
Okay.
It's right here.
Yeah.
Why don't you just check that out? Whoo! Whoo! "Buffalo wings"? How odd.
How'd they find her? I don't know.
But, but we gotta get rid of her quick.
What am I supposed to do, put her on a bus to Milwaukee? Listen, those heads- on-pikes people are on the other side of that door, so we gotta move now.
No way.
Oh, come on.
Is something wrong? No, no, no, no.
I've got some things that I'm gonna do, uh, today, and, and Chuck is gonna show you around town.
Really?! Ooh! The Field Museum, Daily Plaza, Navy Pier? We bought a guidebook, so Oh, okay, look, I know you want to see Chicago and everything, but I-I can't promise you Well, I'll be back around, uh, 7:00.
Hey, something else has come up.
Can I help you? I- I was.
I was looking for the guy that was here the other day.
He was on duty.
I think he was a supervisor He took some personal time; court date.
Now, who are you? Uh, well Listen, all I'm asking you to do is divert the train.
It's on the Orange Line, train 57.
I can't divert a train.
Well, just delay it for five minutes.
If I delay one train by five minutes, that means the next one is delayed by five minutes, and then the next and the next Look, all I'm talking about is five minutes.
I'm telling you this is a matter of life or death.
Mister, I don't know who you are, but we run the safest transit system in the entire country.
I know you do, but how about a hypothetical, okay? A- A truck goes out of control and it hits a support beam, and the train derails.
And what if a meteor dropped out of the sky? Meteors and trucks, we're talkin' two different things here, pal.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Yeah, well, that's great, but, hey, look I'm telling you it's the Orange Line.
The Orange Line, train 57 MAN Orange line right this way.
End of the line.
Does the Orange Line come through here? Last 25 years, yep.
Train 57? Yep.
What-what time? Orange Line, that'd be the Midway.
Here's the Evanston and the Ravenswood.
Yeah, oh, here- No, that's Skokie Swift.
Here we go.
comes through right about now.
See, there's no better way to see Chicago than by the train.
The faces, the places Go Bulls! The muggings.
Hey, I thought you said the train stops here.
I didn't say it stopped here, I said it came through here.
It's an express.
You like basketball? Oh, absolutely.
Jordan or Shaq? Michael Jordan, of course.
Fishman.
Chuck! I- I can't hear you.
You have to speak up.
No, it's me! You-you got to stop the train! Gare, is that you? Yeah, it's me! You got to stop the train, Chuck! Hey, Gare, listen, I'm-I'm-I'm losing you, buddy.
I'm-I'm on a train.
Y- You'll have to call back, okay? No! No! Chuck! Hey, would you watch where you're throwing the ball, please? "The accident occurred when a Pegasus moving van went out of control.
" All right, so Pegasus That's it! MAN Brown Line coming up.
Next stop, Southport.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Yes! Hey! Chuck, come on.
All right, all right.
You know, I used to play myself.
Oh, man.
Gary? What a mess.
Stop! Hey, get off! Come on.
I think he hit a utility pole.
Hey, they're live wires! Don't get out of the car! Stay in the car! Don't touch the door! Stay in the car! Don't move; they're live wires.
Come on, fellas, give me those! How do you know that? It is Croatian.
They speak it in the southern part of my country.
Gare! Look, I think we'll be all right, as long as we don't touch the car.
I think.
Watch that.
Hold it! One more! Got it? Yeah.
Come on.
Come on.
There you go.
Come on.
All right.
Everything's fine.
There you go.
There you go.
All right.
The princess had to be on the train.
Yeah, or else we wouldn't have been able to save the mother and kid.
It's like the paper knew, huh? I'm telling you, Gare, I'm getting cosmic whiplash here.
It is time.
To get back to my tour group.
Yeah.
Uh, here.
You'll never know when you need a snowball.
Thank you.
Next time you're in Chicago, you'll come see us, won't you? Good-bye.
Well, I guess we'd better get you back to that big place with the stars, huh? No.
Something I'd like to see first.
It's beautiful, huh? It's beautiful.
* * I have to leave now.
Promise you won't watch me go.
I promise.
Thank you for a lovely holiday, Gary Hobson.
Good-bye.
Princess, you have no idea.
Oh, look at you! You must be freezing! I'll draw you a bath.
No.
Princess No.
You may leave now.
Both of you.
I can draw my own bath.
ANNOUNCER Good morning, Chicago.
It's 6:30 a.
m.
, and this is Paul Groom with today's headlines.
Two men were arrested outside Ladies and gentlemen, her Royal Highness, Princess Sibella of Morenia.
The Princess will be happy to answer your questions.
Your Royal Highness, have you recovered from your illness? I'm feeling quite well now.
Thank you very much for your concern.
Has your visit cemented your country's friendship with America? I hope so.
I believe that friendship between people is the first step towards friendship between nations.
How do you balance your personal life and your duties as a princess? I try to remember that there are people out there, people in my own country, who depend on me.
I may not know them all personally, but they need me and I cannot let them down.
What was your favorite part of Chicago? I enjoyed all parts of my visit equally.
No.
That's not true.
The best part of my visit to Chicago was the people.
Their warmth, their kindness, the way they welcomed me into their lives.
It is something I will cherish forever.
If circumstances were different, it is the kind of city that I could happily spend the rest of my life.
Thank you.
Lovely speech.
Thank you.
Fairy tales do come true, if only for a day.
But you know, sometimes that day is enough to last a lifetime.