Friends s02e12 Episode Script

Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth with Monkeyshine Beer! Get it, monkey Get it, get it, monkey Monkey, monkey Monkeyshine Beer.
Because it's a jungle out there! That commercial always makes me so sad.
But then the guy opens his beer and girls run at him so everything works out okay.
I meant because the monkey reminds me of Marcel.
I can see that.
Because they both have those big brown eyes and the little pouty chin.
And the fact that they're both monkeys? I wonder if I did the right thing, giving him away.
Ross, you had to.
He was humping everything in sight.
My Malibu Barbie will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.
Remember when he'd borrow your hat and when you got it back, there'd be monkey raisins in it? When he did it, it was funny.
When I did it to my boss's hat.
Suddenly, I had this big "attitude problem.
" The One With the Super Bowl Hey, check it out! Guess what I got? Rhythm? No.
My first fan mail! "Dear Dr.
Ramoray: I love you and would do anything to have you.
" My gosh! "Your not-so-secret admirer, Erika Ford.
" Oh, wait.
"P.
S.
Enclosed, please find In Crazy World, that means you're married.
It's not addressed to Days Of Our Lives.
This came to your apartment.
She was in our building.
Oh, my God.
I got my very own stalker! You are so lucky, I'm gonna share mine.
Joey, remember we talk about good thing and bad thing.
This is a bad thing.
Where are you off to? There's a paleontology conference in L.
A.
So I figured I'd go and drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
He will be surprised.
Till he realizes he's a monkey and isn't capable of that emotion.
Phoebe? That really cute guy is here again.
Okay, so everyone pretend I'm telling you a story and it's really funny.
So everyone just laugh.
Now! I know, I know! I'm Rob Donan.
Hi, Rob Donan.
I don't know anything about music, but I think you're really great.
Anyway, I schedule performers for children's libraries.
And I was thinking, have you thought about playing your songs for kids? I would love to have kids hear me play the songs that I will write for them.
What do we do for dinner? We could cook for ourselves.
It's Erika.
My God.
The stalker! Never mind.
It's open.
Hitting her with a frying pan is a good idea.
But we want a backup plan, just in case she isn't a cartoon! Let's get out of here! The one time they're not home! We'll leave.
When we pass her she won't know me, because we never met! That's how radio stars escape stalkers! She's coming! It's me.
This is it.
This is how we're gonna die.
You ready? Wait, wait, wait! Erika! -Mr.
Geller? -Yes, hi.
Dean Lipson, zoo administrator.
You had a question? I can't find the monkey I donated last year.
He's a capuchin answers to the name Marcel? I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Marcel has passed on.
Oh, my God.
What happened? He got sick, and then he got sicker and then he got a little better.
But then he died.
I can't believe this! I'm sorry, Mr.
Geller.
But you know, there's an old saying: "Sometimes monkeys die.
" It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.
-Someone should've called me.
-I'm sorry.
Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.
Zoo dollars? Yes, and come see the bird show at 4.
The macaws wear hats.
It's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.
I know.
I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker! What is she like? You remember Kathy Bates in Misery? Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.
And she's not crazy? Oh, no, no.
She's a total whack-job.
She thinks that Joey is actually Dr.
Drake Ramoray.
Oh, my God! And he's going out with her? He cannot pursue this.
Just because this woman sees Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person.
Does she not deserve happiness? Does she not deserve love? Why are you looking at me? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac! Are you okay? No.
I'm just nervous.
Maybe if I just picture them all in their underwear.
That's not a good idea.
That's the reason the last guy got fired.
I'm used to playing for grownups.
Grownups drink their coffee and do their grownup thing.
And kids Iisten.
It's just a huge responsibility.
What? Are you gonna kiss me? I was thinking about it.
Alrighty! Let's play some tunes! Ok! Let's find some seats.
Chandle, we gonna find our seats.
Hold on a second.
He thinks he can.
He thinks he can.
Oh, what the hell.
He can.
-Hi, everybody.
I'm Phoebe.
-Hi, Phoebe! I'm gonna play some songs about grandparents, okay? Now Grandma's a person Who everyone likes She bought you a train And a bright shiny bike But lately she hasn't Been coming to dinner And last time you saw her She looked so much thinner Now your mom and your dad said She moved to Peru But the truth is she died And someday you will too I will have the great seven, and the doctor, will have the resertal.
-Oh, Drake, isn't it amazing? -Yeah, it is.
What? Well, here we sit, devil-may-care and a while ago you were reattaching Simone's spinal cord.
That was a tricky one.
In reality that operation takes 10 hours.
But they only showed it for 2 minutes.
Who's "they"? No one.
Drake, you are so talented.
Let me see those hands.
Oh, these hands, these beautiful hands.
I could just eat them.
But I won't.
Otherwise my watch would fall off.
No, seriously.
These hands these miracle, magical, life-giving hands.
Just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one? All right.
Just one.
You're good at that.
Oh, my God! Someone! He's choking! Is anyone here a doctor? Yes, the best doctor in Salem! Dr.
Drake Ramoray! Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.
Hey, look.
I don't really enjoy being with other men that way.
But, zoo dollars? It's about your monkey! It's alive.
I don't understand.
Why didn't you help that man? Because I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of "foodal chokage.
" I gotta tell you something You don't have to tell me anything.
You don't have to explain yourself to me.
Who am I to question the great Dr.
Drake Ramoray? I should be happy to be near you.
Hey, l Hey what? That's it.
Just hey! Like at the end of a dance.
Hey! There'll be times when you get older When you'll want to sleep with people Just to make them like you But don't! 'Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do Everybody! That's another thing That you don't wanna do -Excellent! -Very informative! Not at all inappropriate! Thank you for coming, everybody! There are cookies in the back.
That was great.
The kids loved you.
Yea! I rock! And you know why? Because you told the truth.
Nobody ever tells kids the truth.
You were incredible! But? -How'd you know there was a "but"? -I sense these things.
It was either "but" or "butter.
" The thing is, I think some of the parents they were hoping that you'd play more songs about barnyard animals.
I can do that.
Really? Because that would be fantastic! What? You wanna kiss me? I'm thinking about it.
So by the libery car carticuler, we still have some time.
What, I'm unemploy.
The bat.
Ambassador of darkness.
Flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger.
Sightless specter of the macabre.
Buddy, my monkey? Oh, yeah, right.
There was a break-in a few months back.
Inside job.
Your monkey was taken.
The zoo told me that my monkey was dead! The zoo! You believe everything the zoo tells you? That's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.
Of course they'll say that! They don't want the bad publicity.
It's all a great big cover-up.
Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes? That guy Lipson? Lipson knows? -Do you have idea who else knows? -I only know Lipson.
Lipson knows, huh? Hello, Mr.
Possum.
Enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night.
-Taunting gravity -Buddy, my monkey.
My monkey? Word on the street When I say "street," I mean those pretend streets here at the zoo.
Of course.
Your monkey found a new career in the entertainment field.
That's all I know.
This is unbelievable! So what is this information worth to you, my friend? Are you trying to get me to bribe you? Maybe.
But you already told me everything.
Check it out.
He actually is the Monkeyshine monkey! What'll you do? I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find him.
That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.
Okay, hi again! Hi, Phoebe! Today, we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes "moo" Oh, the cow in the meadow goes "moo" Then the farmer hits him And grinds him up And that's how we get hamburgers Now chickens! Only you who can save her, Drake! Damn it! I'm a doctor.
I'm not God! There goes my whole belief system.
It's Erika.
Quick! Shut off the TV.
I wanna see what happens! I get Leslie out of the coma then we make out.
How can that be? You were kissing Sabrina! Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neurosurgeon.
Hey, Erika.
Come in.
How did you get here so fast? I just saw you in Salem.
Right, they choppered me in.
What's up? You're having a little party too! -ls she here? -Who? Sabrina.
I know about you two! I saw you today, kissing in the doctor's lounge.
It's not what you think You told me I was the only one! All right, look.
That's it.
We shouldn't see each other anymore.
I should have told you a long time ago but I am not Drake Ramoray.
I'm not even a doctor.
I'm an actor.
I just pretend to be a doctor.
Oh, my God! Do the people at the hospital know? Somebody wanna help me out here? Oh, I know! I know! Where am I? University Hospital where you've been for the last 18 years.
How can you be here and there? Because it's a TV show! What are you getting at? Nice girl, not great with concept.
I'm not Drake! That's right! He's not Drake.
He's Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin! Is this true? Yes! Yes, it is true! And I know this because he pretended to be Drake to sleep with me! And then he told me he would run away with me! And he didn't! And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard! Is all this true? Yes, I'm afraid it is.
You deserve much better than me.
You deserve to be with the real Drake.
He's the one you fell in love with.
Go to Salem.
Find him! He's the guy for you! Oh, Hans! Hans? Hans! Yo, evil twin! Right.
Goodbye, Erika.
Good luck in Salem.
Take care.
I'll never forget you, Hans.
All right.
The people who threw the water! Helping you out! Fired? Why? The library board got a lot of complaints from parents about the stuff in your songs.
I can't believe this is the libery! -I mean, books, freespeech, newspapers on sticks.
-I know.
What about the kids.
Did you tell your board that the kids want to hear the truth? I see.
Maybe if you just played some regular kiddy songs? What do you want me to be? Like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur? You don't have to be Barney.
Who's Barney? I tracked down Marcel and get this.
He's healthy, he's happy and he's in New York filming Outbreak 2: The Virus Takes Manhattan.
You're kidding! -This is amazing! -I know.
I finally get a part on TV, and the monkey's making movies.
Rachel, I'm ready.
Excuse me.
Is this where the singing lady is, who tells the truth? I guess that's me.
She's here! Sometimes men love women Sometimes men love men Then there are bisexuals Though some just say They're kidding themselves This is exciting! I haven't seen my monkey in a year.
What, you never look down in the shower? I'm not allowed to make one joke in the "monkey is penis" genre? Back up, please.
Back up.
Come on.
Excuse me.
Where can we find the monkey? I'm sorry.
It's a closed set.
I'm sorry, you don't understand.
I'm a friend of his.
We used to live together.
And I have a time share in the Poconos with Flipper.
There he is! Hey! Buddy! Marcel! Marcel! In the jungle The mighty jungle The lion sleeps tonight In the jungle The mighty jungle The lion sleeps tonight Excuse me, this is a Closed set.
We know.
But we're friends with the monkey.
Good morning.
Look who I brought! Whoa, dude.
Burn! I don't get it.
He seemed so happy to see me yesterday.
Don't take it personal.
He's under pressure, starring in a movie and all.
How big of a star is Marcel? In human terms? I'd say Cybill Shepherd.
So you guys in the movie or you just really paranoid? Hey, Sal? Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready.
Excuse me? Jerry is the director? Which one's he? -The one in the director's chair? -Gotcha.
Pheebs, walk with me.
Why am I walking with you? We're just going over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh-eating virus! For the love of God, woman, listen to me! Is he looking? Is he looking? -We've got a problem.
-Tell me.
I can't do Chris' makeup.
She refuses to acknowledge her mustache.
-ls it bad? -lt looks like her eyebrow fell down.
Unless we convince her to let me bleach it Van Damme will be making out with Gabe Kaplan.
I'll talk to her.
I hate actors.
Nice camouflage.
For a minute there, I almost didn't see you.
Excuse me.
Is your name Chandler? Yes, it is.
Chandler Bing.
Do you know me or are you just really good at this game? I'm Susie Moss.
Fourth grade? Glasses? I carried a box of animal crackers like a purse? Susie Moss! Right! Yeah! Wow! You look.
Great job growing up.
It's nice to see you don't still wear the cap with the mirrors on it.
I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.
Remember the class play? You pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants? Yes.
Back then, I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Thank God I don't do that anymore.
What you have been doing since childhood? Well, I got a new belt.
I wondered! -Oh, my God! -What? What? It's Jean-Claude Van Damme.
I didn't know he was in this movie.
He is so hot! You think? The Muscles from Brussels? Wham-Bam-Van-Damme? Did you see Time Cop? No.
Was he any good in it? Rachel, he totally changed time! So why don't you go talk to him? Go tell him he's cute.
What's the worst that could happen? He could hear me.
-I'm doing it for you.
-Don't you dare! Don't! Don't! Tell him I cook! Excuse me.
This is gonna sound kind of goofy but my friend over there who cooks, by the way.
She thinks you're cute.
You don't think I'm cute? I don't know.
Do you think you're cute? We're getting off the track.
I was supposed to tell you my friend thinks you're cute.
What should I tell her? You can tell her I think her friend is cute.
-Makeup! -That's me.
I gotta go.
How many times must I touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date? Well, let's try one more.
There you go.
Ernie's, 8:00? I'll be there.
And if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.
No one was around to hear that? So what'd he say? What a jerk! I kept talking about you, and he kept asking me out.
Naturally, you know, I said no.
Thanks, anyway.
He just kept asking and asking, asking, asking.
If you want to go out with him, you can.
Sounds like a jerk to me, but Jean-Claude, she said yes! I'll see you tonight! Thank you.
Then Jean-Claude took me to Crossroads and we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
Oh, man.
She's so smokin'! She's got the greatest set of No guys around, huh? -Does anybody need anything? -I'll have an espresso.
I'll get it.
If I ask you to, you'll end up drinking it yourself.
-That is so unfair.
-I know.
Like you'd drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme? I have to cancel racquetball tonight.
Marcel's trainer will let me have him for a couple of hours.
You're blowing me off for a monkey? We can reschedule for Saturday.
Unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.
Stick a fork in me I am done! Stick a fork what? Like when you're cooking a steak.
I don't eat meat.
How do you know vegetables are done? Well, you don't.
You eat them and you can tell.
Okay, then eat me, I'm done! I've met the perfect woman.
We're sitting on her couch, fooling around and then she turns to me and says: "Did you ever want to do it in an elevator?" What did you say? I believe my exact words were.
How do you know if you wanna do that? You just know.
We gotta go.
Got a reservation in 30 minutes.
What I had planned shouldn't take more than two, three minutes, tops.
Two hundred seconds of passion! We gotta go.
But here's an idea.
Have you ever worn women's underwear? Well, yes, actually but they were my Aunt Edna's.
And there were three of us in there.
I was thinking it would be kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight at dinner.
You want me to wear your panties? Could you? If I was wearing your underwear then what would you be wearing? You're swell! Got the music, got the dinner.
I made Marcel's favorite dish, banana cake with mealworm.
Candle.
What do you think's gonna happen here tonight? Hi, are you on your way over No, I understand.
A monkey's gotta work.
It's no big deal.
It's not like I had anything special planned.
-You feel that? -what? We passed moment we should stop holding hands.
Rachel, why don't you start talking first? I feel that this is totally unjustified.
She gave me the green light, I did nothing Do you think I can't see you in the TV set? If there's something you'd like to share You had no right to go out with him! -That's the most ridiculous -You sold me out! -I did not! -You absolutely Would you let me talk! Did you just flick me? Well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was That hurt! Quit flicking! Stop flicking! You flicked me first! Let's not do this! Happy thoughts! Now I'm gonna kick some ass! All right.
Now, I will let go if you both stop.
You want me to stop seeing him? You want me to just tell him you're seeing him instead? Is that what you want? That's what you want? -Fine! -Fine! There we go.
If we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
Thanks for letting me tag along.
Forget about it.
How you doing there, squirmy? I'm hanging in.
And a little out.
So assistant to the director? That's an exciting job.
You must have a ton of responsibilities I don't do the casting.
So what are you guys gonna eat? How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over? Because I went to an all-boys high school, and God is making up for it? I want you right here right now.
Right now, right here? Don't you think we're in kind of a public place? They do have the shrimp.
Meet me in the bathroom.
I'm going to the bathroom now.
Come on.
All right, mister.
Let's see those panties.
Alrighty.
But you know what would be even sexier? What? If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.
All right.
Now, I would like to see you wearing nothing but them.
Take your clothes off.
I hope you realize this means we'll miss hearing about the specials.
Come on, hurry! Do you want this done quick or done right? All right, turn around.
I wanna see you from behind.
Somebody's been doing his Buns of Steel video.
So you want me to clench anything or? Susie? This is for the fourth grade.
-What do you mean? -What do I mean? What do I mean?! I mean underpants, mister! That's what I mean! What? What do you mean? My skirt you lifted.
IKids laughing! I was Susie Underpants till I was 18! That was in fourth grade! How could you still be upset? Call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this.
I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back! I can't believe this.
Just two weeks ago, I was watching Sudden Death and now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Can you beat up that guy? -Can you beat up that guy? -Sure.
This is so wild.
I gotta admit, I was surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.
Normally, I would not do it.
What made you make the exception for me? Rachel told me you were dying to have a threesome with me and Drew Barrymore.
By the way, Drew has some ground rules and.
Say you're sorry! Say it! No! I'm not gonna! Say it! Say it! Great! Say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.
That is my favorite sweater! That is my third-date sweater! Say you're sorry.
You wanna play? Okay, let's play.
Let's play.
What'll you do? Give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.
You don't have the guts.
Yeah? At least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy he was cute.
Stop! Stop the madness! This is crazy! Who can remember why you're fighting in the first place? Yes, that's right.
But still.
Look at your purse! Look at your sweater! Look at yourselves! I'll help you fix your sweater.
I'll help you throw out your purse.
I'm sorry I made you stop seeing him.
I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.
I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves.
Joey? Ma? What are you doing here? I thought you guys took off.
She took off with my clothes! -Are you naked in there? -Well, not exactly.
I'm wearing panties.
You always wear panties? No, no.
This is the first time.
Talk about your bad luck! The first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
I was not trying them out.
Susie asked me to wear them.
Let me see! No! I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever! All right, all right! Someone's flossing! Joey, some people don't like that.
Chandler's wearing panties.
What? -Let me see! -You don't have to see! Hi, tushy! One of you give me your underpants.
I'm not wearing any.
How can you not be wearing any? I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
Look, Ross.
I'll give you $50 for your underpants.
-Can I have the milk? -I'm almost done with it.
Keep your panties on.
And I'm in the movie! -What happened? -A virus victim called in sick so Cathy recommended me and boom! I'm dying on a gurney! Marcel just finished his last scene, if you wanna go say goodbye.
That's okay.
He's probably got parties to go to and stuff.
He's moved on.
That's the way it goes, right? Oh, my God! What? Looks like we made it Left each other on the way to another love Looks like we made it Or I thought so, till today Until you were there, everywhere And all I could taste was Love the way we made it Looks like we made it I'm sorry.
It has work between you and me.
Or you and me.
Drew was very disapoited.
Well, bye for me too.
Okay, we will bye-bye again.
Perhaps the three of us.
Just Are you sure, I can crush longer with my butt.
No, no, noImpressive but no.
Bye, Marcel! See you on the big screen.
You keep people drinking that beer.
I will miss you buddy.
I think I want to write a song about all this.
Except one of the strings on my guitar is broken.
Chandler, can I borrow your G-string? -How long you been waiting to say that? -About 20 minutes! Can't you see what's going on here? This man is dying! Cut! Can't you see what's going on here? This man is dying! Cut! Can't you see what's going on here? This man is dying! Mommy! Can't you see what's going on? This man is dead!