Futurama s02e12 Episode Script

Raging Bender Good news, everyone!|I've taught the toaster to feel love.
Hermes returns from|his vacation today.
- Good morning.
|- Hey, Hermes! - Yo!|- My man! - So how was it?|- Stopover on the Brain Slug planet.
Hermes liked it so much|he decided to stay.
Hermes has all the fun.
|He's got a Brain Slug on his head! - You're gonna get us assimilated.
|- Switch to a garlic shampoo.
Today's mission is to go|to the Brain Slug planet.
- What'll we do?|- Walk around not wearing a helmet.
Sounds great, Hermes!|Whatever you say.
- Let's ditch him and go to the movies.
|- Hey, yeah! Good idea.
I'm seeing a movie with friends.
Cool, let's see this one.
No.
I'm not in the mood|for a documentary.
I've heard good things about|Quizblorg, Quizblorg.
Fellows! How about a film we|can all enjoy? Planet of the Clams.
About an upside-down world|where lobster is slave to clam.
Who invited you?|Let's see All My Circuits.
I wanna see that.
Good point, Bender! - A small slurm.
|- For 25 cents less, get a super small.
Okay.
Oh, man! Give me a large diet malt liquor|and a popcorn with extra motor oil.
Down in front! Glagnar's Human Rinds presents:|This Week in the Universe.
- This is real futuristic.
|- Don't talk during the movie.
NeW NeW York mayor|C.
Randall Poopenmeyer opens a neW tube line|to alleviate rush-hour traffic.
Dateline, Paramecium HomeWorld.
|Miss Universe Gladys Lennox entertains troops fighting to Wipe|out the human race.
Go get 'em, boys! In Ultimate Robot Fighting,|The Masked Unit Wins against Gorgeous Gonks by|technical melting.
Go, Masked Unit! Hey, buddy? Yo! - Mind taking your head off?|- I need it to watch the movie.
Ask Flabby here to describe|it to you later.
She is as the factory made her.
They should have stopped|about halfway through.
Well, that finishes this paperWork.
Calculon Enterprises.
A fight scene has broken out|at the Warehouse! Come quickly, before an explosion|chases someone doWn a hallWay.
I have no choice but to If you Want Calculon to race to the|battle in his Hover Ferrari, press 1.
If you Want Calculon to double-check|his paperWork, press 2.
- You have pressed 2.
|- I didn't! I'm almost positive you did.
Add in the carryover from form|16-A, then deduct line 2-B.
Pardon me, sir.
|But you seem to be kicking my seat.
"Pardon me, sir.
|But you seem to be" That's the gist of what I said.
|Would you mind? Sure thing, pal.
Sir? - Who threw that?|- That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs.
Oh, I'm boned.
Let's all go to the lobby! I'm gonna open a pile of|whup-ass on you! Do you know who that was? Cripes! The Masked Unit!|You knocked him out cold! Wow, I'm impressed! I'm the commissioner|of Robot Fighting.
A connoisseur of jerks who pick|fights.
And you're the biggest.
- You should see me at funerals.
|- I want you in the League.
Ultimate Robot Fighting?|Sounds pleasant.
I'll do it.
My hero! They don't make movies|like this anymore.
I'm gonna be the greatest|robot fighter ever! Float like a float-bot,|sting like a stinging machine! You can't be a robot fighter.
It's|the most brutal form of competition.
- It is?|- There are no rules.
Two robots enter,|one robot leaves.
The other leaves after being|declared the winner.
- That doesn't sound so bad.
|- Did I mention the crippling pain? I'm pretty sure I did.
|Yes, definitely.
Crippling? That's not covered by|my insurance.
Count me out.
You've got to do it.
|I don't care how suicidal it is.
How come when I want to have fun|you're against it? This is more important than that|marble-eating contest.
- Let me tell you a story.
|- Oh, again with the orphanarium.
When I was growing up,|I got picked on a lot.
My only outlet was|Octouran Kung Fu.
Excellent.
Bill, Keith,|you will go to championships.
Bill, congratulate Keith|when he wakes up.
But I can beat these dorks|with one eye closed.
Perhaps.
There is more|to winning than that.
- You lack the will of a warrior.
|- What do you mean? Watch this.
No girl has the will of a warrior.
|You have the will of a housewife.
- At best, the schoolmarm.
|- I'll take you on right now.
But I have the will of the warrior.
|Therefore, the battle is over.
The winner?|Me! Rematch? You lose again!|Had enough? I thought so! I lost my chance.
|I won't let you throw away yours.
She's right.
|I don't want to end up like her! Count me back in! Let's see what you got.
|Touch your toes.
Still can't reach! Let's commence preparations|for rumbling! Ladies and gentlemen and smizmars! Welcome to tonight's main event.
From Mom's Friendly Robot Factory|in America's heartland, Mexico: Bender! And in this corner,|from and made of parts unknown: The Clear Cutter! - Bender rules!|- I got you a Bender hat.
Wow! Thanks, Hermes!|l Hey, cut that out! You can't hit what you can't see.
Get up.
You can't quit every time|you get an ax in the back.
Or a drill through your face.
Quit|scratching your ax-hole and get back.
And the winner is|Bender! - Nice work out there, kid.
|- He might be dead.
I took a life! Hi, boss.
Yo, dude.
He's not dead!|What's up? You didn't read the pamphlet?|Ultimate Robot Fighting is a scam.
Keep it under your head.
But the most|popular robot always wins.
I'm not a great fighter?|I won because I'm popular? - Bingo.
|- Whoo-hoo, I'm popular! You're pure lowest|common denominator.
Go Bender! Go Bender!|Go Bender! Presenting Bender The Offender! I'm just an ex-con trying to go|straight and get my kids back.
Versus Billionaire Bot! Versus The Foreigner! I'm not from here!|I have my own customs! Look at my crazy passport! Versus The Chain Smoker! I love smoking.
|And after I win the fight l'm headed straight to your|favorite restaurant.
You know, I'm also|an Ultimate Robot Lover.
You're three hours late.
You can't give up.
|Both of us worked so hard.
- "We"?|- I said "us.
" Bender The Offender doesn't need you!|He doesn't need anybody.
- What about us, Mr.
The Offender?|- Well, I need floozies.
Let's roll.
Howdy, chief.
What do you say I fight|these two bimbos in some mud? We're going in a|different direction.
We wouldn't be fighting|in the conventional sense.
You're slipping.
Sales of Bender Brand|bath soaps are down 20 percent.
Those morons!|I said peaberry, not sandalwood! If you can't move sandalwood,|you don't belong here! - You'll lose next week's title match.
|- But the crowd loves me.
Let's see how they feel|about your new persona.
- The Gender Bender!|- The most unpopular fighter since Sergeant Feces Processor.
Oh, yeah?|What if I don't let the new guy win? Then he'll just beat you the|old-fashioned way: to death! Melissa, send in the new kid.
I am Destructor.
See you at the fight.
I said, "See you at the fight.
"|And that's the story.
I thought it was real,|like pro wrestling.
But it's fixed, like boxing.
It's one thing to win a fixed fight.
|There's dignity.
But to lose? And in this atrocity? I can't do it.
|You've gotta train me to win.
No! You wouldn't take my help|when you didn't need it so why now? - What are you talking about?|- I don't know.
But I'm not helping.
You loved him as|Bender The Offender! Get ready to hate him|as he threatens your sexuality in his neW persona:|The Gender Bender! I'm a real toughie.
Squaring off this Sunday|versus Destructor! I Will destroy you! And stop calling me.
I am his trainer,|Master Funog.
He Will be victorious for|he has the Will of a Warrior.
Not Funog! Let's hit the gym.
|I'll teach you to fight like a girl! I'll put on my tutu.
Hello, and Welcome to a remarkable|championship bout.
Destructor, a robotic armored tank Whose very use at battle has been|ruled a War crime versus Gender Bender,|Who Wears a pink tutu.
This is Rich Little imitating|Howard Cosell, here at ringside with George Foreman.
|George, a word in edgewise? This could be the most|one-sided fight since 1973 when Ali faced an 80-foot tall|Joe Frazier.
My memory is not so good,|but I think the Earth was destroyed.
Interesting, if true.
The Vegas odds tonight stand at an|unprecedented 1000-0.
A bet of $0|on Bender pays $1000 if he wins.
|Still, very few takers.
It's not a smart bet.
You're supposed to prance out and|tickle him with your fairy wand.
Instead, prance out|and kick his head off.
Got it.
|Large kickle, hold the tickle.
- Thank God I'm free of that nightmare!|- Sorry.
Here you go.
Thanks.
|It was cold on the floor.
- Professor, I got you a program.
|- Good.
Just let me put on my|reading glasses.
Why, Zoidberg! There's a lovely|photo of you in here! In this corner, the confused young|robot with the golden curls weighing 525 pounds The Gender Bender! Get that hippie out! And in these two corners weighing 400 tons the gizmo from Pismo|Beach! Destructor! We meet again.
Girl who acts|like fighter, training fighter who acts like girl.
|- Keep laughing, Funog.
- Ready?|- I was built ready.
Give me the bell.
Did you hear a noise? Final boarding call|for Flight 406 non-stop service to pain.
Now boarding standby passengers It's a good time|to bring up my new grill.
With its patented design, the fat|drains directly into my mouth.
Fry! Throw in the towel! For God's sakes, Fry.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
- Mommy!|- Funog, that's enough.
Call him off.
Funog? Why won't anyone help me? So once more we meet again.
You're just controlling him|like a puppet.
I mean, cheating in a fake fight.
|That's low.
Better than being a girl.
|Like you.
You're a girl! Oh, right.
Girls lack|the will of the warrior.
It's Bendering time! Take this! And this! You were an excellent student.
|Too bad I was a lousy teacher.
I think you misunderstood|the concept of Bendering time.
See you in girl hell!|I'll be in boy hell, much nicer.
Yes! Yes! And the winner is: Destructor! I've not seen such a spectacle in all my years|impersonating a sportscaster.
Interesting side note: As a head|without a body, I envy the dead.
No argument here.
I heard somebody got flattened! Fry, where's your brain slug? Poor little guy starved to death.
I'm proud of you.
|Sure, you lost.
You lost bad.
But I beat up someone who hurt|my feelings in high school.
I'm in tremendous pain here.
Great job.
You lost, and you made it|look almost half real.
Here's a card good for 10%% % off|at Bed Bath & Beyond.
Yes! I'm the greatest!|The greatest! Oh So ends the chronicle of one of the greatest ever|to play the sport.
- He didn't look half bad in the tutu.
|- That he did surely not.
What?