Gary Unmarried (2008) s02e12 Episode Script

Name the 13th president of the United States.
- Lincoln.
- Fillmore.
Fillmore is correct.
Name the largest city in Nebraska.
Lincoln! - Omaha.
- Omaha is correct! A favorite childhood toy blank logs.
Legos! - Lincoln! - Correct! Hey, Gary.
- Hi, dad.
- Hi, sweetheart.
We went to the dentist, and he thinks that Louise is gonna need braces at some point.
Braces? You just accepted the guy's first offer? You didn't haggle? Maybe a retainer? Some scotch tape and rubber bands? That's Gary, Gary, he's a dentist, ok? He's not that guy in Tijuana who sold you the bullwhip, ok? I bet that guy still cries to his friends about the bath he took on that deal, huh? Whatever.
Honey, could you go - start your homework, please? - Yes.
- All right.
And is Tom home? We need to talk to him.
Yeah, he's in the kitchen.
Why? What's up? He got another tardy notice at school.
Another oh.
All right.
How do you want to handle this? You want to play good cop/annoying mom cop? Which one do you want to be? Uh, how about I play the one with the 24-inch waist? What's going on? What's going on is, you got your sixth tardy slip in the last 3 weeks.
You leave for school on time.
Could you please explain to us what happens between that time and the time you actually show up to class? Well, we've been assigned some really great books in english, and I read on the bleachers before school.
I mean Huckleberry Finn, The Grapes of Wrath I guess I just get lost in their stories and lose track of time.
All right.
All right.
I'm glad you're reading before school, Tommy.
That's cool.
But you can't be late.
All right? So get it together.
I will.
- He's lying! - I know! I know! Right? Like he's been reading? "Oh, oh, oh! I'm reading.
" Shh! All right, look.
First of all, I know he's never even opened Huckleberry Finn, 'cause there's dust around it from when he first set it down on his desk.
Second of all, Grapes of Wrath? That's not even a real book.
I'm supposed to believe there's a bunch of vengeful grapes just stomping around the countryside? Gary, uh, The Grapes of Wrath was written by John Steinbeck.
Do you remember? Back in high school, you used to wedge it in the car stereo to keep it from rattling? - Remember? Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
I do remember.
But it was your fault the car stereo was rattling, 'cause you wore those high-heeled boots when we were doing it.
Gary, it was I wasn't gonna take off my boots.
Besides you got to keep your long Johns on, 'cause they had a flap in the front.
Anyway, what are we gonna do about Tom? I don't know.
Every time I talk to him, he gives me some one-word answer like: "Yeah.
" "No.
" "So?" Well, you think we should be worried? Maybe.
Look, Gary, I just get the feeling he's hanging out with some troublemakers at school, and I don't know.
You know, call it mother's intuition, but something's going on with him.
Well, I'll find out if there is, 'cause I'm his father, and I know my son tter than anybody.
- So, don't worry about it, ok? - Gary, there's no harm in ating that I might know Tom a little better than you.
Uh, I'm his father.
Nobody knows Tommy - more than I know Tommy.
- Really? Ok.
Uh, who's his best frid? - Conner.
- Wrong.
Brian.
What's his favorite food? - Pizza.
- Wrong.
French fries.
Uh, let's see.
Who's his favorite teacher? - Lincoln.
- What? It's a slow go on the freeways today.
We got delays on the And hey, if you were the guy today in the red pickup truck that cut me off and said that thing about my mother, yeah, I'm gonna mention that to your sister when she's leaving my bedroom tomorrow morning.
Ok, pal? That's traffic.
"The Score" will be back right after this.
Hey, Curtis, do we really have to do the traffic report on the 3s? Why can't we do it on the 5s? That's easier to remember for me.
Well, you know, we tried to get the They were all taken.
So, it was either this or the 9s.
But at that point, you may as well just wait for the 1s again.
Hey, are you ok, man? You've been irritable all morning.
Well, first of all, I got stuck in traffic.
Then I sat in my van and watched Tom's school after he got dropped off at the carpool.
You sat in front of a school in a windowless cargo van? Let me know when your "dateline" airs.
It's not like that.
It's just, uh, Tom's been really late to school lately.
And, well, Allison's mother's intuition She says it's 'cause he's hanging around a bunch of punks.
I'm gonna tell you, a mother's intuition is a powerful thing.
When I was 15, I went to New York city on this choir.
I mean, we're talking And after the performance was over, I went to this party.
And I reached for a beer, right? The phone rings, I pick it up, and the only thing I hear on the other end is, "mm-mmm".
Gary, it was a pay phone.
That's amazing.
It's just, uh, I don't know.
I thought Tommy and I were closer than me and my dad were.
My dad didn't come to my high-school graduation 'cause he was freeing a monkey from a laboratory.
Well, that's noble.
You know what's not noble? Bringing the monkey home, giving him my bike.
So, you stake out Tom's school? That's no way to get close to him.
I don't know.
What else am I supposed to do? - You got to read his emails, man.
- What? The only way that you can compete with her mother's intuition is by stepping in the I can't read Tom's emails.
It's a total invasion of his privacy.
Let me tell you about my nephew Dwayne, all right? Straight "a" student, and then one day out of the blue, his grades start falling.
Now, I asked him to talk about it.
He didn't want to talk about it.
So, I read his emails.
And it turns out, he was involved in a bad crowd.
Like druggies? No, it was an improv troupe.
That was their name "a bad crowd.
" Hi, Gary.
Hi, Sasha.
- I had a really good time the other night.
- Yeah.
I had a really good time the other night, too.
Excuse me.
Oh, my gosh! Yes! You're Laird Hamilton.
I'm Gary Brooks.
- Aloha, Gary.
- Aloha yourself, mister.
You've been such a huge influence on my surfing.
This guy has surfed waves that have gone on to destroy villages.
- He's gonna do our show tomorrow.
- Oh, hey.
Hi, I'm Curtis Taylor.
Not a big swimmer.
- Hi, Laird! - Oh, hi, Sasha.
Good to see you again.
Hey, why don't we all go into my office and talk about what we're gonna do? - I got a hug! - I got an aloha.
So, as you know, I am one of the organizers of this big "save the bay" event.
And if it's cool with you, we'd like you to go on Gary's show tomorrow and talk about the beach cleanup coming up.
Well, it's totally cool with me, anything I can do to help bring awareness.
What a generous spirit.
And it's tall.
It's a tall, blond - Very tan spirit.
- Uh, Sasha? You know, I don't want to toot my own horn, Laird, but I shred it pretty hard over at sunset beach.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
I teach a kiddie class there.
I like it 'cause the bathroom's close by.
Hey, Laird! When we were researching for this event, I saw this video of you coming down the face of a 75-foot wave.
I I literally got the chills.
You know, I need to scare myself at least once a day just to feel alive.
I mean, some days, I ride a 30-foot barrel, or Sometimes, it's just trying to tie my tie.
That is so funny.
Wait.
That's funny, but my sling blade impression is dated? Oh, no, no.
I didn't say it was dated.
I just said it was an easy impression.
No, you guys aren't doing it right.
You know, Gary, I'm a huge fan of your show.
I mean, I don't know how you do it.
The radio is like your kingdom Kind of like the way the ocean is my kingdom.
Yeah.
I guess you're right.
Except, I've peed in your kingdom.
Hello? Gary, it's me.
Listen, Louise says she saw Tom get into a car today with some rough-looking older boys after school.
All right.
Well, maybe he's just getting a ride home, - you know? - No, no, Gary.
She says she's never seen these guys before.
All right, calm down.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
I only know of one way to figure out what he's doing.
Well, we better do something, because my mother's intuition is telling me he's in trouble.
What's it likeo have mother's intuition? Well, it's sort of like a feeling You know, probably a lot like what psychics feel.
Wow.
You know, I'll never know what that feeling's like, 'cause I'm not full of crap! Oh! Gary.
Gary, what Look, I'm not doing anything.
I was I was looking at porn.
You know? You're reading his emails! Well, I had no choice, Gary.
I mean, something is happening to my boy.
He's my boy, too.
But I would never stoop this low.
Oh, really, gary? Then why was there a 300-foot cable running from our neighbor's satellite dish to our tv for the mayweather-hatton fight? Nobody owns the airwaves, Allison! How long have you been doing this? It doesn't matter! Look, look, look.
There's a whole bunch of kids on here we have never even heard of.
They're using terms that sound like they're gang-related.
Do you want to know what your son's doing or not? No, not like this.
No.
So, what are you gonna do? Just stake out his school in a van? - What kind of moron do you think I am? - Well Look, Gary, come here.
Look at this one.
Look, kingrath20 He's one of the new guys.
"Hey, T-Bone, we're meeting at the spot at 7:30.
" and then Tom replies, "I can't do it.
English quiz first thing.
" And then kingrat says, "Blow it off.
You'll take a makeup.
You don't want to miss this.
" Ok, I'm really worried.
I'm worried, too.
Why do you make Tommy sound like this? Secondly, he didn't say he was gonna ditch school.
That's a heck of a lot better than what I did at his age.
The only time I ever went to school was for pep rallies, 'cause there was that one cheerleader that never wore underwear.
Yeah, I was no angel.
It's so weird.
He won tell me what's going on.
I mean, I never told my dad stuff, 'cause he didn't care.
He would just say things like, "that's great, son.
Going on.
We got company coming over.
Why don't you change the bong water?" You think Tommy's, like, not into my anymore? Like, he's just over the whole father-son thing, or what? Oh, my God.
Wait, look at this.
Look.
He's planning on taking your van and driving his buddies down to San Diego tonight.
- Where are your keys? - Don't worry.
They're in a place where he will never find them.
Uh, in your van, under the floor mats? Under the floor mats! That's even better.
Gary, he's not here.
- Get in the van.
I'll explain it.
- What? I have a good plan.
Get in the van.
And when you get in the seat, I want you to scooch down really low.
Crouch down low.
And then when he opens the door, we scare him.
He'll never pull a stunt like that again.
That's good.
Hello! Hey.
Look, Tom, I don't know what you thought we were doing I know what you were doing.
You were reading my emails.
How do you think I know you'd go to the van? Ok.
So, you caught us.
So, what, you weren't gonna drive down to San Diego? No.
I just wanted you to stop spying on me.
How could you be so sneaky? I mean, you know, sneakier than we were? Ok, you guys aren't that sneaky.
All right? Mom keeps forgetting to click "marked as unread," and she responded "yes" for me when Amanda asked me to junior prom.
I just think she's so right for you.
Tom, look.
What the heck's going on, man? You're not telling me anything.
You got all these new friends all of a sudden.
I'm not doing anything.
Why are you invading my privacy? Hey, as long as you're living in my house, it's not your privacy.
It's my privacy.
I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but I'm very frustrated right now.
Ok, look.
Honey, if you're just honest with us, maybe it's something we could talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
Then you're grounded.
What do you think about that? You leave us no choice.
We're gonna drive you to school every day, and we're gonna pick you up every day.
You're gonna do your homework sitting in front of your mom, or you're gonna come to the radio station with me and do your homework there.
That's it.
This sucks, ok? I've done nothing wrong, and I'm always good.
Why can't you guys just trust me? Because I was a young man once, and I know what it's like.
And I don't want you growing up to be just like your mother.
All right? She was always getting in trouble for showing a little too much spirit at pep rallies.
Would you let that go? Our football team was 0-8.
I had to give them something to root for.
How did they finish? Uh, 0-10 but very happy.
You made the right choice for Tom, ok? If someone's caught with their hand in the cookie jar, you gotta take the cookie jar away, ok? That's what I found out with Charlene.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Was Charlene cheating on you? No, man.
She was just eating a ton of cookies.
I mean, I'm all for a big girl, but damn, I only got 2 hands.
You know.
Oh! We gotta get out of here.
We got this interview in 5 minutes with Laird Hamilton.
I don't see what the big deal is with that guy.
We could do better radio without him.
What about yesterday? We had that whole debate about the wackiest name in sports.
And I thought you had me with Ron Tugnutt.
Right? Until this morning on my drive in, I remembered eastern Illinois linebacker Lucious Pusey.
You ready to do this, man? Ok.
Curtis, get Laird set up in the booth.
I want to go over a couple things with Gary.
Oh, let me ask you a question.
Who's got the funniest name in surfing? Probably Buttons Kaluhiokalani.
Either him or Paul Danglebag.
I call that one.
Ok.
So, you can talk about surfing and all the other cool things Laird has done.
But really focus on the charity event.
Ok, what about how dreamy he is? I mean, I'm sure you have a list of how dreamy Laird is.
- You have one of those for me, right? - Excuse me? I've seen the way you've been looking at him.
You've been giggling like a school girl.
- I'm giggling like a school girl? - Yeah.
A half-hour of your show yesterday was you and Curtis giggling over that old baseball player's name.
Ok.
I told Curtis the man's name was pronounced "Koontz".
Ok? It's not my fault Curtis said it wrong.
Yes.
I will explain that to the good people at Pampers who will no longer sponsor your show.
And yes, I am giving Laird a lot of attention.
He's writing a huge check for this event.
Really? Not because he's so handsome? Hey, it's not my fault he's gorgeous.
Ah! I didn't say gorgeous.
You said gorgeous.
- You fell into my trap.
- What is wrong with you? I'll tell you what's wrong with me.
You're acting completely unprofessional.
This is a place of business.
And you're supposed to act like a Oh, my gosh! - Hi.
- How are you? Hey, I'm Gabby.
Is Laird around? He said I could sit down in the interview today.
Hi, Gary.
I'm Gabby.
Hi.
Why don't you come with me in the studio? Could I get you a drink or a sandwich or something? Maybe we could take an orange and Just pass it back and forth - using only our necks? - Uh, you know, I'm good.
I think I just have to go see my husband.
Plus, from what I can see, I think your neck only sort of reaches my chest.
So, I'm ok.
I'm ok with that.
Welcome to "The Score" with Gary Brooks.
We're here with Laird Hamilton, renowned big-wave surfer - and environmental activist.
- Aloha, Gary! Ok, Laird, we get it.
You're from Hawaii.
Ok? Laird, let's take care of business first.
Let's Let's talk about "save the bay.
" Well, as you know, southern California's coastal waters are susceptible to a lot of pollutants.
Pollutants.
Totally.
So, we're involved with everything from hands-on cleanup to education to lobbying for tougher environmental standards.
Oh, God! I know this seems very impressive.
- Gabby's also involved.
- Oh, yes.
For those at home, Gabby is professional beach volleyball player Gabrielle reece.
She's also an incredible mom, a fantastic actress, a beautiful model And and my wife.
Laird, loosen the reins, man.
Chill out.
Hey, Gabby, since you're sitting here, why don't you tell everybody - about the event, ok? - Oh, absolutely.
You know, this is such a great event.
We really that many people can come out And join us in Santa Monica.
This weekend All right.
Well, there you have it.
Gabby and I will be down at Santa Monica tomorrow - I'll be there, too.
- Laird, my gosh! Would you just loosen up a little bit? This is "The Score" with Gary Brooks, and I'll be right back with my special guest Gabrielle Reece.
And Laird Hamilton.
Yeah, we're off the air, pal.
Nice try.
Very smooth, danglebag.
You're ogling the wife of a guy who trains by running up sand dunes with a log chained to his waist.
Oh, I can take that guy, assuming he's still chained to a log running up a sand dune.
Why is he training like that, anyway? Seems like somebody can't afford a membership to the "y.
" Allison's here with Tom.
Well, with those pecs, I mean, Laird could probably just pick up that log and just pound Gary into the ground like a nail.
What? I can't appreciate another man's beautiful, sculpted body? Well, here's your fugitive.
I gotta take Louise to dance class, so he's all yours.
- Has he talked? - Not a peep.
All right.
Well, just sit there and do your homework.
No foosball, no vending machines, and no pushing the "fart" button on my computer in there.
Although a lot of times during the show, I'm not really even pushing the "fart" button.
Oh, God.
Honey, you could make this a heck of a lot easier on yourself if you just tell us what you're up to.
- No.
- No.
All right.
If he wants to be grounded, then just let Tommy be grounded.
Tommy! How you doin'? Hey, Laird, what's up? What are you ahem.
Hey, you weren't in Malibu this morning.
Are you all right? I don't know what you're talking about, sir.
Who is this man? What is he I'm sorry.
How do you know my son? And hello.
Aloha.
I'm Laird.
Hi.
Hey.
Malibu you've been surfing before school? That's why you're late all the time? Why didn't you tell me?! Yeah, ok.
You found out my horrible secret.
Are you happy? I've been surfing before school with Laird Hamilton.
Yeah, I'm thrilled! I think that's awesome! Why didn't you tell me? I could have been out there helping you out.
You know? I don't know how to explain it.
I just didn't want you to see me until I was really good, ok? I just I guess the thought of you seeing me shredding it, and then you'd come out there, and we could surf together, just Oh.
Honey, that is so sweet.
Did I mention I was a cheerleader in high school? We just met.
Well, I was.
Tom, I gotta be honest with you.
I feel like a complete jerk.
That's ok.
It was probably a stupid plan.
Oh, honey, your dad would be proud of you if you were a good surfer or not.
Yeah, whether you're a good surfer or not.
He's getting good, though, - Right? - Oh, totally.
All right.
Hey, look, do your thing.
Keep going out there, getting better.
Practice makes perfect.
And when you're ready for me, I'll go out, we'll shred together.
But no more tardies.
Ok? No more skipping school.
And, you know, no more lying.
All right? You got that? I got it.
But hey, no more reading my emails? - All right.
- All right.
We will definitely not read your email anymore.
Tommy? Oh, my gosh.
Where have you been? Hey! How are you? It's so good to see you again.
Oh, my goodness.
Hey.
You may be a better surfer than me, Laird Hamilton, but it looks like you're having a hard time finishing up that cold cut trio.
What's the matter, partner? You slowing down? - No, I'm just taking a break.
- Well, That's what you said I happen to know that you haven't even opened your chip bag yet.
You know what's inside my chip bag, Laird Hamilton? Other empty chip bags.
Oh, yeah! Hey, I'm just getting a little dizzy right now, ok? You want to quit? Just say, "Gary Brooks, you're better than me, Laird Hamilton.
- I quit.
" - I'm fine.
Great.
Let's move on the the santa fe chicken in the footlong size right there.
Ok.
But just so you know, no matter what happens right here, Gabby's coming home with me.