Great News (2017) s02e12 Episode Script
The Fast Track
1 [PLAYFUL MUSIC.]
Hold the door.
I'm a veteran.
Hello, Mother.
Hello, Katherine.
How's the family? Good.
They're you.
You know, I think working at "Morning Wined Up" is gonna be good for me.
I can finally get on the fast track.
When I was at "The Breakdown," everyone just saw me as your kooky mom.
But now people are gonna take me seriously.
You know, I think a little time apart is gonna be good for me, too.
I can really focus on my job without anyone making romantic ultimatums on my behalf, or nagging me to get a new bra when I can just fix this one with Scotch-tape.
So what are you gonna do about Greg? Just keep your feelings all bottled up inside and hope that he makes a decision on his own? I'm gonna be chill, Mom.
Sometimes, you don't need to say every little thing that just pops into your head.
I do not do that.
Your buttons look like cat anuses.
Whup.
This is me.
Well, don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Wow, Mom, that's a really original Ah! Don't even worry about me.
I'll be just Ugh! Ah! My bra exploded.
[UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
Hey, Greg.
Greg? Oh, hi, Katie.
Were you just jumping out a window to avoid talking to me? No, of course not.
I was just admiring the view of, uh, the local hobos having an ugliest penis pageant.
So, what's up? Hey, is this about my mom's ultimatum? I just need a little time to think.
I know I owe you an answer, but I'm good for it, you hear? C'mon, Katie, it's your old pal Greg.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's fine.
My mom's not here.
Let's just forget what she said.
Really? Because this is important to me, It's just a complicated situation with Cat.
Listen, you don't need to explain anything, ok? You just take as much time as you need to deal with our situation.
'Cause I'm a chill girl.
I love football and beer and twins.
Yeah, and twins.
That is a massive relief, because between this and the evil billionaire suing us, I've been really stressed out lately.
So, thank you, Katie.
Really.
Ugh, hey, any time, brah.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
In fact, I'm so chill, I'ma go smoke a big, fat blunt right now.
You do drugs at work? Oh my God, no, I've never done drugs in my whole life.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Hello, I'm Carol Wendelson, ready to take my career to the next level.
Kelly and Mary-Kelly hired me.
Okay, this is a morning show, so it's already over.
We tape at 9:00, so we get here at 4:30.
4:30 a.
m.
? Mm-hmm.
That's crazy.
Well, sure, I normally get up at 3:00, but then I gotta watch nine hours of TV.
Look, can you just go buff the wine stains out of the upholstery for tomorrow's show? Gosh, I was really hoping for a little bit more responsibility.
I wanna get my career on the fast track.
Well, there's no fast track here.
We do have fast rats.
You'll have to catch those.
Okay, well, I've got some really good ideas.
Look, I don't have time for this.
I'm gonna be late for the pitch meeting.
Wait, if we're going to a pitch meeting, I can just tell everyone my ideas there.
PAs don't come to the pitch meeting.
Stay in your lane, or you're fired.
I hear you.
Well, if this job doesn't work out, at least you and I will always be friends.
Hi, I'm Katie Wendelson You and your bird boss need to sit down and shut up.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm exhausted.
It's a terrible time to be an attorney for a news organization.
We're constantly being sued.
So you're used to this? It'll all blow over.
Oh, sure, it'll blow over just like your mom blew all over me last night.
- Hey.
- Again, I'm so sorry.
When I'm tired, I can be very rude.
Please, have a seat.
So to answer your question, no, this is very bad.
Fenton Pelt is a vindictive billionaire, so if you wanna survive this, no more reporting on him or his companies.
Wait, no.
We can't give Fenton Pelt a free pass just because he's suing us.
Besides, Greg and I spent hours going over our reporting on Smug Meadow Farms.
The facts are on our side.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, I get it.
It's 2018.
Facts don't matter.
Bill, listen to this.
Say it again, just like you did.
The facts are on our side.
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
Now make the bird guy say it.
All right, all right, you made your point.
Until this lawsuit's over, Fenton Pelt is off-limits.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, what did I miss? Mr.
Pierce, you're suspended.
You're not even supposed to be in the building.
I only came in today to see if I could lend a hand with the lawsuit.
It's certainly not because I don't know how to get my own lunch.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean, I know how to get it.
But how do you make it get here? How do you have it? [TENSE MUSIC.]
Attention, everyone.
I know you're all worried about the lawsuit, but you guys are not gonna believe what our lawyer just said.
He wants the show to lay off Wait, we're all getting laid off? - No.
- Oh, God, I just spent $7,000 on a high tech tomato garden.
Wait, what's a high tech tomato garden? Damn.
Swindled again.
No, I'm I'm I'm so sorry.
The lawyer said to lay off Fenton Pelt.
I'm just trying to get you guys fired - Fired? - No.
It's all over! Let's start looting.
Keep it Uh, fired up.
Fired up.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm trying to get you guys fired up.
Why am I saying it like this? Okay, look.
I know you're scared, but our job as journalists is to hold the powerful accountable.
We have to show Fenton Pelt that we will not be silenced.
Now, who is with me? Boo.
You're bombing up there.
Well, it's not a comedy act, so - Yeah, you're telling me.
- Right? [LAUGHTER.]
I heard your speech, and I'm in.
Wait, really? But, Chuck, you're suspended.
Chuck Pierce the anchor is suspended.
Not Chuck Pierce the investigative reporter.
You and I are gonna take Fenton Pelt down.
Now, here's what I was thinking as a first move.
We need to get lunch.
You know, this is exactly what I needed, a return to my roots, as a journalist.
Who cares if I'm not on TV anymore? This is where the real work happens.
Here, in this grungy, junkie shoot-up den.
Where are we? This is my office and I'm proud of it.
So what are you up to, partner? Got any leads? [SIGHS.]
Not really.
I've been rooting around the Dark Web.
There's a rumor that Fenton Pelt shot a lion, which is bad, but not illegal.
Also, I think I sold my kidney to a guy in the Ukraine.
Well, a journalist is nothing without his sources, and luckily, I got the best in the biz.
Watch and learn, Katie.
I know exactly who to call.
My old friend, Stan Perkins, SEC.
Stan, I need everything you have on Fenton Pelt Uh-huh Really? I owe you one.
Stan choked to death 14 years ago.
No matter.
I'll try my buddy Jim McKenna, DOJ.
Jim, Chuckie Pierce.
Listen, I need some major Intel on Uh, yes, exactly I what? Uh, well, everything you've got Uh-huh Yeah, no, no, no.
I'm getting it Oh, okay Well, that's very interesting And could you spell that? Slow down Yeah, got it.
- You're a lifesaver - Uh-huh Yep.
When asked for comment, the president said, "The president went that way.
" "I'm just a little boy.
" Chuck? Portia, again, he's not here, so you have to read all the news.
For like an hour? God, Why can't people just read it themselves? Hey, that's actually a really good idea.
What if we printed out the news for everyone? And we could organize it into sections so you only read the stories you're interested in.
But how would we deliver it to everyone in the entire world? [GASPS.]
Teenagers on bikes.
Portia, you're just inventing the newspaper.
Oh, my God, why is this week so stressful? Although you seem pretty chill.
I feel great.
Talked to the lawyer.
There's a strategy in place.
Talked to you, no immediate action necessary.
Went to the vending machine.
Took a chance on a new snack.
Well, that's exactly what I want.
'Cause, I mean, I'm super chill.
So I'm really glad that you're not worrying about it.
Oh, no, no.
Me too.
It is such a complicated situation.
Totally.
And I meant what I said, you know.
You take your time.
Take all the time.
Eat it like the Langoliers.
[MUNCHING NOISE.]
Not a Stephen King fan? No, I am.
You know, it might be fun if on Sundays, there were little cartoons, and they were all really bad.
Like, all of them.
Like, every single one.
Just not funny and bad.
I love those soldier reunion videos.
I think they're so moving.
What if, instead of having the soldier come home, we have his family surprise him on the frontlines? That is the smartest idea I have ever heard.
[SURPRISED LAUGH.]
Okay, so if there are no more pitches, I think we're all done.
Or are we just getting started? And we can build this thing together Standing strong forever Hello, my name is Carol Wendelson, and I have some ideas for the show that I think you're gonna wanna hear.
They say the newest ideas come from the oldest people, and that - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- What are you doing? I'm never gonna get on the fast track if no one knows my ideas.
And they're good ones.
As an older viewer, I bring a particular perspective that I think this show is missing.
Okay, Carol? Get out of here.
Wait, I prepared a presentation.
Let me show it.
Um, okay, now where's the thing? Can somebody get the TV to do this? You know, I think it should be on HPV-2.
I am so sorry about this.
I'll get rid of her.
[STAMMERS.]
Hang on a second.
Let's hear Carol out.
She did this whole presentation, and she got all dressed up.
Well, thank you.
My blazer is from Chico's Urban Menopause Collection.
It's reversible.
[GASPS.]
Well, this might be the perfect moment to show you how it works.
Let me see.
Uh-oh, I'm stuck.
[GROANS.]
Ooh, I'm twerking.
You know what, I think Carol is right.
Really? The show could use your unique perspective.
- How would you like - Yes? - To be - Yes? - On television? - Yes! Thank you.
I'm finally on the fast track.
Thank you.
Oh, gosh.
Where have you been all day? Would you care to know the name of Fenton Pelt's first company? Pelt, Incorporated? Yeah, how did you find that? I just Googled it.
What did you do? I drove to their offices.
In Canada.
It took eleven hours.
Chuck, you've been on TV for 30 years.
There is no shame in admitting you're a little rusty at the reporter stuff.
Please.
Would someone who's rusty know to go to the Public Library and have a child volunteer help him print out this? Whoa, I've never seen this photo before.
So what did you find? Here's the same photograph, but enlarged by 8,000%.
Suddenly, it all kinda makes sense, doesn't it? Look at his head.
It's a pile of little boxes.
Don't you get it, Katie? Boy, do I not.
Fenton Pelt is a little box man.
It's been right in front of us the whole time.
Okay, this is really bad.
You need to go home.
Home? I can't go home.
I'm having a weird maintenance issue.
Every time I turn out the lights I hear this weird sound, like, "boo-hoo-hoo," and then there's something leaking onto my face, and then a voice that says, "Who even am I?" Wait a minute.
There is something here.
The guy next to Fenton.
Look at the caption.
Fenton Pelt and his business partner, Anthony Lyon.
Pelt didn't shoot a lion.
He shot A.
Lyon.
A person.
This could be the key to everything.
Of course.
Pelt shot his business partner - because he found out - No.
- That Fenton Pelt - Don't say it.
Is a little box man.
Greg, I think I found a lead that could save the show.
Are you blowing bubbles? No, I'm practicing bubble tricks.
This one is called "The Big Kahuna.
" Listen, Greg.
Twenty years ago, Fenton Pelt had a business partner named Anthony Lyon.
Pelt allegedly shot him, but I just found medical records showing that the guy survived.
If we could find him, and get him to talk But our lawyer specifically said not to investigate Fenton Pelt.
Who cares? This could take him down for good.
So I'm gonna need all hands on deck, okay? I'm talking Wayne, Gene, other Katie.
Other Katie? Yeah, you know, the other Katie that everyone is always making fun of when I walk into a conversation.
[GASPS.]
I'm "other Katie.
" Hang on, let's just take some time to think.
This is a complicated situation.
Ah, you know, you've been saying that a lot lately, Greg.
Excuse me? Sorry, I don't understand what's so complicated about it.
If you keep needing time to think about the story, eventually the story's gonna be like, "What is your deal, man?" Wait, what are we talking about? We're talking about the story, Greg.
We're talking about the super chill story.
Greg, you got a minute? I think I have a lead that could save the show.
Chuck, please don't show him the photo.
Relax, I know that was nothing.
I was tired, and hungry, and grasping at straws.
But I took a page from your book, Katie.
I did some research online.
And something pretty major came back.
If you rearrange the letters in Fenton Pelt, you know what you get? Ten, ten, flop.
You a poker player, Greg? Yes, and that's meaningless.
Well, if these last two days have taught me anything, It's this: I need to be on television.
I can't do anything else.
I can't be a journalist.
I can't get my lunch.
I can't go back to the library because I borrowed too many CDs.
But I can be on television.
And that's something no one else can do.
You can't just put any idiot on TV.
Guess who's on TV.
Me! Carol, did you say you were on television? Yes.
I'm featured on-air talent on "Morning Wined Up.
" I joined the guild.
There was already a Carol Wendelson, so I had to register as "John Carol Wendelson.
" When were you on TV? This morning.
It's okay, though, if you missed it, because I'll be on again tomorrow.
But me, famous anchor.
You, local fool.
[BLUBBERS.]
Carol, we missed you.
Can you start my zipper? I can finish it, but I need you to start it.
Carol, can you finish my zipper? I can start it, but I can't Why don't you guys just help each other? BOTH: We like how Carol does it.
You know, we have a new PA on the show.
Carol, come on out here.
Hi, Carol.
This is Carol.
Aren't you cute? Now, we sent Carol to see the new "Star Wars.
" Carol, what'd you think of the movie? Well, I thought it was very scary.
Oh, scary? Okay, what part? Well, when the words jumped out at me at the beginning.
I can't read that fast.
That's why I always miss my exit on the highway.
[LAUGHTER.]
All right, did you like the movie? It was okay, I guess.
But there was so much fighting, and I didn't like that Kylie Renner.
Anyway, overall, I give it a five stars up.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, Carol, since you like "Star Wars" so much, we thought you might like to be in "Star Wars.
" - What? Ah! - [LAUGHTER.]
Oh, God.
They're making fun of her.
Oh, boy, Darth Vader touched my butt.
Ugh.
I have to tell her.
Yep? Hey, Katie.
How did you know which dressing room was mine? Well, it says "Carol" in this big star on your door.
I know, I just wanted you to say it.
I watched you on the show.
You did.
I knew you were watching.
Okay.
Um, Mom.
They're making fun of you.
What? Why would you say that? Because it's true, Mom.
You're like their little prop.
Like Chuy on "Chelsea Lately," or Guillermo on "Jimmy Kimmel," or Little Rusty, the dummy that belonged to the ventriloquist I dated throughout all of college.
Uh-huh.
I'm having success for the first time in my life and you can't find one nice thing to say about it.
I'm finally doing more than just making copies.
But I thought that you wanted to be taken seriously.
I'm just trying to keep you from embarrassing yourself.
Are you? Well, I think someone's been keeping her feelings bottled up all week, and now she's lashing out at me, instead of the person she's really mad at.
No, I am not, Greg.
You know what? Forget it.
Hey, so good news.
Mike Tyson has agreed to fight you.
Hey, I'm sorry I was so weird yesterday.
I got you an extra cappuchichi.
Hey, I'm sorry I was so weird just now.
- Don't worry about it.
- Thank you.
By the way, did you get a chance to go over the Anthony Lyon stuff? Yes, I thought about it, and I made a decision.
Then I was like, "Hang on a second, are you sure?" And you know what? What? I wasn't.
For the love of God, Greg, what is wrong with you? [WHISPERS.]
We kissed a week ago, and you just keep saying how complicated everything is.
And it's not that complicated.
You know what is complicated? Prison reform, all math, my feelings on Channing Tatum.
Is he hot or is he Sloth from "Goonies"? Are you asking me, or I'm not a chill girl, Greg.
I hate football and beer and twins.
Just decide.
Okay? I'll be fine either way, but I'm not waiting around forever.
Is this an ultimatum? I don't know.
Maybe it is.
Maybe my mom was right.
[PANTING.]
Chuck going crazy.
Justin forgot panting medication.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Chuck, is everything okay in there? Hey, guys, you're just in time for the show.
That's right.
I'm going on Facebook Live to tell the world everything I know about Fenton Pelt.
But Chuck, you have nothing.
This will be the end of your career.
Oh, nothing? Little box man? Ten, ten, flop? And a couple of other things I was worried you'd think were crazy.
But the only thing that matters is that Chuck Pierce is back on the air, on the Chuck News Network.
I already got a logo and a theme song.
[SINGS THEME SONG.]
When news breaks, Chuck Pierce is there.
Where? Here, with his co-host, Johnny Chair.
And no one on sports.
Chuck! We have to stop him.
We can't.
But I know someone who can.
So we're doing my idea for a segment on dating in your 60s? Uh, yeah, kinda.
Okay, and can we get Carol in the booth, please? This is gonna be good.
We have fun.
[LAUGHTER.]
We are back in three, two Okay, Carol.
The first lucky gent taking his turn at the kissing booth is Enrique Iglesias - What? - The Spanish pond turtle.
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHTER.]
Katie was right.
We can't get her now.
She's on the air.
What do we do? As much as I would like to kiss this surprisingly attractive turtle, there's something that I would like to say.
Well, this ought to be good.
I came to this show to prove to the world that Carol Wendelson is worth something.
That I'm a serious career woman, like my professional heroes Barbara Walters, Jane Pauley, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Baby Ginger, and the great newsman, Chuck Pierce.
Wait, Justin, patch the MMN feed into Chuck's office.
Five, four, three Chuck Pierce would never sacrifice his dignity for a cheap shot at fame.
He doesn't need the world to tell him he has value.
Because he believes in himself.
And I need to do the same.
I'm getting off the fast track.
And I'm getting on the right track.
Which is why I quit.
What? Carol, no, no, no, no, no.
- Where are you going? - No, Carol, we love you Oh, my goodness, that is a strut.
She means business.
She's coming back.
BOTH: Thank God.
This is Chuck Pierce breaking down.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.]
Hey, I want you to know, I heard you.
I'm gonna make it right.
[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS.]
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Yay.
Wow, thanks everyone.
Today's my first day at "The Breakdown.
" Wasn't expecting the welcome wagon.
My name's Jason, and my favorite sport is jousting.
Get out of here, man.
- Okay? - Mom? I'm not getting out.
But we all thought you were coming back.
I'm sorry, pumpkin, but you were right.
They didn't take me seriously at "Morning Wined Up," but if I'm being honest, nobody here did either.
I tried my best.
But this career stuff just didn't work out.
Thank you all very much.
[LIVELY MUSIC.]
Well, like I said, I'm excited to be here.
Hold the door.
I'm a veteran.
Hello, Mother.
Hello, Katherine.
How's the family? Good.
They're you.
You know, I think working at "Morning Wined Up" is gonna be good for me.
I can finally get on the fast track.
When I was at "The Breakdown," everyone just saw me as your kooky mom.
But now people are gonna take me seriously.
You know, I think a little time apart is gonna be good for me, too.
I can really focus on my job without anyone making romantic ultimatums on my behalf, or nagging me to get a new bra when I can just fix this one with Scotch-tape.
So what are you gonna do about Greg? Just keep your feelings all bottled up inside and hope that he makes a decision on his own? I'm gonna be chill, Mom.
Sometimes, you don't need to say every little thing that just pops into your head.
I do not do that.
Your buttons look like cat anuses.
Whup.
This is me.
Well, don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Wow, Mom, that's a really original Ah! Don't even worry about me.
I'll be just Ugh! Ah! My bra exploded.
[UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
Hey, Greg.
Greg? Oh, hi, Katie.
Were you just jumping out a window to avoid talking to me? No, of course not.
I was just admiring the view of, uh, the local hobos having an ugliest penis pageant.
So, what's up? Hey, is this about my mom's ultimatum? I just need a little time to think.
I know I owe you an answer, but I'm good for it, you hear? C'mon, Katie, it's your old pal Greg.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's fine.
My mom's not here.
Let's just forget what she said.
Really? Because this is important to me, It's just a complicated situation with Cat.
Listen, you don't need to explain anything, ok? You just take as much time as you need to deal with our situation.
'Cause I'm a chill girl.
I love football and beer and twins.
Yeah, and twins.
That is a massive relief, because between this and the evil billionaire suing us, I've been really stressed out lately.
So, thank you, Katie.
Really.
Ugh, hey, any time, brah.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
In fact, I'm so chill, I'ma go smoke a big, fat blunt right now.
You do drugs at work? Oh my God, no, I've never done drugs in my whole life.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Hello, I'm Carol Wendelson, ready to take my career to the next level.
Kelly and Mary-Kelly hired me.
Okay, this is a morning show, so it's already over.
We tape at 9:00, so we get here at 4:30.
4:30 a.
m.
? Mm-hmm.
That's crazy.
Well, sure, I normally get up at 3:00, but then I gotta watch nine hours of TV.
Look, can you just go buff the wine stains out of the upholstery for tomorrow's show? Gosh, I was really hoping for a little bit more responsibility.
I wanna get my career on the fast track.
Well, there's no fast track here.
We do have fast rats.
You'll have to catch those.
Okay, well, I've got some really good ideas.
Look, I don't have time for this.
I'm gonna be late for the pitch meeting.
Wait, if we're going to a pitch meeting, I can just tell everyone my ideas there.
PAs don't come to the pitch meeting.
Stay in your lane, or you're fired.
I hear you.
Well, if this job doesn't work out, at least you and I will always be friends.
Hi, I'm Katie Wendelson You and your bird boss need to sit down and shut up.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm exhausted.
It's a terrible time to be an attorney for a news organization.
We're constantly being sued.
So you're used to this? It'll all blow over.
Oh, sure, it'll blow over just like your mom blew all over me last night.
- Hey.
- Again, I'm so sorry.
When I'm tired, I can be very rude.
Please, have a seat.
So to answer your question, no, this is very bad.
Fenton Pelt is a vindictive billionaire, so if you wanna survive this, no more reporting on him or his companies.
Wait, no.
We can't give Fenton Pelt a free pass just because he's suing us.
Besides, Greg and I spent hours going over our reporting on Smug Meadow Farms.
The facts are on our side.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, I get it.
It's 2018.
Facts don't matter.
Bill, listen to this.
Say it again, just like you did.
The facts are on our side.
[CROWD LAUGHING.]
Now make the bird guy say it.
All right, all right, you made your point.
Until this lawsuit's over, Fenton Pelt is off-limits.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, what did I miss? Mr.
Pierce, you're suspended.
You're not even supposed to be in the building.
I only came in today to see if I could lend a hand with the lawsuit.
It's certainly not because I don't know how to get my own lunch.
[LAUGHS.]
I mean, I know how to get it.
But how do you make it get here? How do you have it? [TENSE MUSIC.]
Attention, everyone.
I know you're all worried about the lawsuit, but you guys are not gonna believe what our lawyer just said.
He wants the show to lay off Wait, we're all getting laid off? - No.
- Oh, God, I just spent $7,000 on a high tech tomato garden.
Wait, what's a high tech tomato garden? Damn.
Swindled again.
No, I'm I'm I'm so sorry.
The lawyer said to lay off Fenton Pelt.
I'm just trying to get you guys fired - Fired? - No.
It's all over! Let's start looting.
Keep it Uh, fired up.
Fired up.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm trying to get you guys fired up.
Why am I saying it like this? Okay, look.
I know you're scared, but our job as journalists is to hold the powerful accountable.
We have to show Fenton Pelt that we will not be silenced.
Now, who is with me? Boo.
You're bombing up there.
Well, it's not a comedy act, so - Yeah, you're telling me.
- Right? [LAUGHTER.]
I heard your speech, and I'm in.
Wait, really? But, Chuck, you're suspended.
Chuck Pierce the anchor is suspended.
Not Chuck Pierce the investigative reporter.
You and I are gonna take Fenton Pelt down.
Now, here's what I was thinking as a first move.
We need to get lunch.
You know, this is exactly what I needed, a return to my roots, as a journalist.
Who cares if I'm not on TV anymore? This is where the real work happens.
Here, in this grungy, junkie shoot-up den.
Where are we? This is my office and I'm proud of it.
So what are you up to, partner? Got any leads? [SIGHS.]
Not really.
I've been rooting around the Dark Web.
There's a rumor that Fenton Pelt shot a lion, which is bad, but not illegal.
Also, I think I sold my kidney to a guy in the Ukraine.
Well, a journalist is nothing without his sources, and luckily, I got the best in the biz.
Watch and learn, Katie.
I know exactly who to call.
My old friend, Stan Perkins, SEC.
Stan, I need everything you have on Fenton Pelt Uh-huh Really? I owe you one.
Stan choked to death 14 years ago.
No matter.
I'll try my buddy Jim McKenna, DOJ.
Jim, Chuckie Pierce.
Listen, I need some major Intel on Uh, yes, exactly I what? Uh, well, everything you've got Uh-huh Yeah, no, no, no.
I'm getting it Oh, okay Well, that's very interesting And could you spell that? Slow down Yeah, got it.
- You're a lifesaver - Uh-huh Yep.
When asked for comment, the president said, "The president went that way.
" "I'm just a little boy.
" Chuck? Portia, again, he's not here, so you have to read all the news.
For like an hour? God, Why can't people just read it themselves? Hey, that's actually a really good idea.
What if we printed out the news for everyone? And we could organize it into sections so you only read the stories you're interested in.
But how would we deliver it to everyone in the entire world? [GASPS.]
Teenagers on bikes.
Portia, you're just inventing the newspaper.
Oh, my God, why is this week so stressful? Although you seem pretty chill.
I feel great.
Talked to the lawyer.
There's a strategy in place.
Talked to you, no immediate action necessary.
Went to the vending machine.
Took a chance on a new snack.
Well, that's exactly what I want.
'Cause, I mean, I'm super chill.
So I'm really glad that you're not worrying about it.
Oh, no, no.
Me too.
It is such a complicated situation.
Totally.
And I meant what I said, you know.
You take your time.
Take all the time.
Eat it like the Langoliers.
[MUNCHING NOISE.]
Not a Stephen King fan? No, I am.
You know, it might be fun if on Sundays, there were little cartoons, and they were all really bad.
Like, all of them.
Like, every single one.
Just not funny and bad.
I love those soldier reunion videos.
I think they're so moving.
What if, instead of having the soldier come home, we have his family surprise him on the frontlines? That is the smartest idea I have ever heard.
[SURPRISED LAUGH.]
Okay, so if there are no more pitches, I think we're all done.
Or are we just getting started? And we can build this thing together Standing strong forever Hello, my name is Carol Wendelson, and I have some ideas for the show that I think you're gonna wanna hear.
They say the newest ideas come from the oldest people, and that - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- What are you doing? I'm never gonna get on the fast track if no one knows my ideas.
And they're good ones.
As an older viewer, I bring a particular perspective that I think this show is missing.
Okay, Carol? Get out of here.
Wait, I prepared a presentation.
Let me show it.
Um, okay, now where's the thing? Can somebody get the TV to do this? You know, I think it should be on HPV-2.
I am so sorry about this.
I'll get rid of her.
[STAMMERS.]
Hang on a second.
Let's hear Carol out.
She did this whole presentation, and she got all dressed up.
Well, thank you.
My blazer is from Chico's Urban Menopause Collection.
It's reversible.
[GASPS.]
Well, this might be the perfect moment to show you how it works.
Let me see.
Uh-oh, I'm stuck.
[GROANS.]
Ooh, I'm twerking.
You know what, I think Carol is right.
Really? The show could use your unique perspective.
- How would you like - Yes? - To be - Yes? - On television? - Yes! Thank you.
I'm finally on the fast track.
Thank you.
Oh, gosh.
Where have you been all day? Would you care to know the name of Fenton Pelt's first company? Pelt, Incorporated? Yeah, how did you find that? I just Googled it.
What did you do? I drove to their offices.
In Canada.
It took eleven hours.
Chuck, you've been on TV for 30 years.
There is no shame in admitting you're a little rusty at the reporter stuff.
Please.
Would someone who's rusty know to go to the Public Library and have a child volunteer help him print out this? Whoa, I've never seen this photo before.
So what did you find? Here's the same photograph, but enlarged by 8,000%.
Suddenly, it all kinda makes sense, doesn't it? Look at his head.
It's a pile of little boxes.
Don't you get it, Katie? Boy, do I not.
Fenton Pelt is a little box man.
It's been right in front of us the whole time.
Okay, this is really bad.
You need to go home.
Home? I can't go home.
I'm having a weird maintenance issue.
Every time I turn out the lights I hear this weird sound, like, "boo-hoo-hoo," and then there's something leaking onto my face, and then a voice that says, "Who even am I?" Wait a minute.
There is something here.
The guy next to Fenton.
Look at the caption.
Fenton Pelt and his business partner, Anthony Lyon.
Pelt didn't shoot a lion.
He shot A.
Lyon.
A person.
This could be the key to everything.
Of course.
Pelt shot his business partner - because he found out - No.
- That Fenton Pelt - Don't say it.
Is a little box man.
Greg, I think I found a lead that could save the show.
Are you blowing bubbles? No, I'm practicing bubble tricks.
This one is called "The Big Kahuna.
" Listen, Greg.
Twenty years ago, Fenton Pelt had a business partner named Anthony Lyon.
Pelt allegedly shot him, but I just found medical records showing that the guy survived.
If we could find him, and get him to talk But our lawyer specifically said not to investigate Fenton Pelt.
Who cares? This could take him down for good.
So I'm gonna need all hands on deck, okay? I'm talking Wayne, Gene, other Katie.
Other Katie? Yeah, you know, the other Katie that everyone is always making fun of when I walk into a conversation.
[GASPS.]
I'm "other Katie.
" Hang on, let's just take some time to think.
This is a complicated situation.
Ah, you know, you've been saying that a lot lately, Greg.
Excuse me? Sorry, I don't understand what's so complicated about it.
If you keep needing time to think about the story, eventually the story's gonna be like, "What is your deal, man?" Wait, what are we talking about? We're talking about the story, Greg.
We're talking about the super chill story.
Greg, you got a minute? I think I have a lead that could save the show.
Chuck, please don't show him the photo.
Relax, I know that was nothing.
I was tired, and hungry, and grasping at straws.
But I took a page from your book, Katie.
I did some research online.
And something pretty major came back.
If you rearrange the letters in Fenton Pelt, you know what you get? Ten, ten, flop.
You a poker player, Greg? Yes, and that's meaningless.
Well, if these last two days have taught me anything, It's this: I need to be on television.
I can't do anything else.
I can't be a journalist.
I can't get my lunch.
I can't go back to the library because I borrowed too many CDs.
But I can be on television.
And that's something no one else can do.
You can't just put any idiot on TV.
Guess who's on TV.
Me! Carol, did you say you were on television? Yes.
I'm featured on-air talent on "Morning Wined Up.
" I joined the guild.
There was already a Carol Wendelson, so I had to register as "John Carol Wendelson.
" When were you on TV? This morning.
It's okay, though, if you missed it, because I'll be on again tomorrow.
But me, famous anchor.
You, local fool.
[BLUBBERS.]
Carol, we missed you.
Can you start my zipper? I can finish it, but I need you to start it.
Carol, can you finish my zipper? I can start it, but I can't Why don't you guys just help each other? BOTH: We like how Carol does it.
You know, we have a new PA on the show.
Carol, come on out here.
Hi, Carol.
This is Carol.
Aren't you cute? Now, we sent Carol to see the new "Star Wars.
" Carol, what'd you think of the movie? Well, I thought it was very scary.
Oh, scary? Okay, what part? Well, when the words jumped out at me at the beginning.
I can't read that fast.
That's why I always miss my exit on the highway.
[LAUGHTER.]
All right, did you like the movie? It was okay, I guess.
But there was so much fighting, and I didn't like that Kylie Renner.
Anyway, overall, I give it a five stars up.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, Carol, since you like "Star Wars" so much, we thought you might like to be in "Star Wars.
" - What? Ah! - [LAUGHTER.]
Oh, God.
They're making fun of her.
Oh, boy, Darth Vader touched my butt.
Ugh.
I have to tell her.
Yep? Hey, Katie.
How did you know which dressing room was mine? Well, it says "Carol" in this big star on your door.
I know, I just wanted you to say it.
I watched you on the show.
You did.
I knew you were watching.
Okay.
Um, Mom.
They're making fun of you.
What? Why would you say that? Because it's true, Mom.
You're like their little prop.
Like Chuy on "Chelsea Lately," or Guillermo on "Jimmy Kimmel," or Little Rusty, the dummy that belonged to the ventriloquist I dated throughout all of college.
Uh-huh.
I'm having success for the first time in my life and you can't find one nice thing to say about it.
I'm finally doing more than just making copies.
But I thought that you wanted to be taken seriously.
I'm just trying to keep you from embarrassing yourself.
Are you? Well, I think someone's been keeping her feelings bottled up all week, and now she's lashing out at me, instead of the person she's really mad at.
No, I am not, Greg.
You know what? Forget it.
Hey, so good news.
Mike Tyson has agreed to fight you.
Hey, I'm sorry I was so weird yesterday.
I got you an extra cappuchichi.
Hey, I'm sorry I was so weird just now.
- Don't worry about it.
- Thank you.
By the way, did you get a chance to go over the Anthony Lyon stuff? Yes, I thought about it, and I made a decision.
Then I was like, "Hang on a second, are you sure?" And you know what? What? I wasn't.
For the love of God, Greg, what is wrong with you? [WHISPERS.]
We kissed a week ago, and you just keep saying how complicated everything is.
And it's not that complicated.
You know what is complicated? Prison reform, all math, my feelings on Channing Tatum.
Is he hot or is he Sloth from "Goonies"? Are you asking me, or I'm not a chill girl, Greg.
I hate football and beer and twins.
Just decide.
Okay? I'll be fine either way, but I'm not waiting around forever.
Is this an ultimatum? I don't know.
Maybe it is.
Maybe my mom was right.
[PANTING.]
Chuck going crazy.
Justin forgot panting medication.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Chuck, is everything okay in there? Hey, guys, you're just in time for the show.
That's right.
I'm going on Facebook Live to tell the world everything I know about Fenton Pelt.
But Chuck, you have nothing.
This will be the end of your career.
Oh, nothing? Little box man? Ten, ten, flop? And a couple of other things I was worried you'd think were crazy.
But the only thing that matters is that Chuck Pierce is back on the air, on the Chuck News Network.
I already got a logo and a theme song.
[SINGS THEME SONG.]
When news breaks, Chuck Pierce is there.
Where? Here, with his co-host, Johnny Chair.
And no one on sports.
Chuck! We have to stop him.
We can't.
But I know someone who can.
So we're doing my idea for a segment on dating in your 60s? Uh, yeah, kinda.
Okay, and can we get Carol in the booth, please? This is gonna be good.
We have fun.
[LAUGHTER.]
We are back in three, two Okay, Carol.
The first lucky gent taking his turn at the kissing booth is Enrique Iglesias - What? - The Spanish pond turtle.
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHTER.]
Katie was right.
We can't get her now.
She's on the air.
What do we do? As much as I would like to kiss this surprisingly attractive turtle, there's something that I would like to say.
Well, this ought to be good.
I came to this show to prove to the world that Carol Wendelson is worth something.
That I'm a serious career woman, like my professional heroes Barbara Walters, Jane Pauley, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Baby Ginger, and the great newsman, Chuck Pierce.
Wait, Justin, patch the MMN feed into Chuck's office.
Five, four, three Chuck Pierce would never sacrifice his dignity for a cheap shot at fame.
He doesn't need the world to tell him he has value.
Because he believes in himself.
And I need to do the same.
I'm getting off the fast track.
And I'm getting on the right track.
Which is why I quit.
What? Carol, no, no, no, no, no.
- Where are you going? - No, Carol, we love you Oh, my goodness, that is a strut.
She means business.
She's coming back.
BOTH: Thank God.
This is Chuck Pierce breaking down.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.]
Hey, I want you to know, I heard you.
I'm gonna make it right.
[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS.]
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Yay.
Wow, thanks everyone.
Today's my first day at "The Breakdown.
" Wasn't expecting the welcome wagon.
My name's Jason, and my favorite sport is jousting.
Get out of here, man.
- Okay? - Mom? I'm not getting out.
But we all thought you were coming back.
I'm sorry, pumpkin, but you were right.
They didn't take me seriously at "Morning Wined Up," but if I'm being honest, nobody here did either.
I tried my best.
But this career stuff just didn't work out.
Thank you all very much.
[LIVELY MUSIC.]
Well, like I said, I'm excited to be here.