Growing Pains s02e12 Episode Script

All right, I'll say it one more time.
We got one ski trip 72 hours, 23 women, 13 guys and one nearsighted chaperone.
Gentlemen, the possibilities are endless.
Yeah, I'm only taking one ski.
Yeah.
No way my folks are gonna let me go.
Boner, you just gotta learn how to handle old people.
Mike, you haven't talked to your parents yet.
Oh, come on, Bone, you actually think my parents could say no to me? I know, you can talk to my mom and dad for me.
No.
Eddie, go get a couple of chairs, all right? Bone, look, I'll show you.
I'll be your dad and, Eddie, you be Bone's mom.
[IN FALSETTO.]
Yes, dear.
Okay.
Now, it's evening at the Stabone residence.
And you and your charming parents are sitting down for a lovely dinner.
My dad usually sits here.
Fine.
Um, pass the potatoes.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Uh, what's your dad's name, Boner? Sylvester.
Wait a minute.
Your dad's name is Sylvester Stabone? Who knew? Yeah.
Um-- [IN DEEP VOICE.]
Okay.
So, Richard, what is it you wanted to talk to us about? -Well, there's this, uh, ski trip-- -Ski trip? Ha! Why would you want to go on a ski trip? You don't even know how to ski.
See, guys, what did I tell you? He ain't gonna even let me go.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Boner, look, it's just for pretend, all right? -Oh.
-Now, come on.
[IN DEEP VOICE.]
All right, give me one good reason why we should let you go.
Women.
[IN FALSETTO.]
Women? I will not have talk like this at my table.
Go to your room, Richard.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Bone, you never say "women" in front of your parents, okay? You say stuff like class spirit, you say growth experience but you never ever say women.
-Okay, class spirit.
-Right.
-[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Growth experience.
-Yes.
ALL: Women! Don't leave your books there.
Take them to your room.
No snacking.
You'll spoil your dinner.
Mom and Dad are sick and Carol is mad with power.
-Is it clean yet? -I'm working, I'm working.
Hey, wait a minute.
Mom and Dad are sick? Oh, this is perfect.
Now I can ask them about the ski trip while they're weak.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Uh, Carol just told me the awful news and.
Well, I just thought I'd come in to offer my condolences.
We're sick, Mike, not dead.
Well, okay then, that settles it.
Settles what? There was a class ski trip this weekend and I thought I'd try to get out of it so I could spend some time palling around with you guys.
But obviously you're in no shape for that, so I guess I gotta go.
JASON: Forget it, Mike.
Dad? You're not going anywhere while you're still flunking English.
Oh.
Oh, great timing, Dad.
I mean, we had an English test today.
Couldn't you have told me this before I took it? If I had known you'd take this kind of attitude, I just may have studied for it.
-Oh.
I feel worse than Mike's grades.
-Ah.
Me too.
-I gotta try again to call a doctor.
-You are a doctor.
Oh, I guess that's why I keep getting a busy signal.
[GROANS.]
Oh, Seaver, wait up, guy.
Oh, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey.
You're not gonna believe this.
This has got to be the best news since Lucy came back to TV.
What? Boner.
His folks are letting him go on the ski trip.
Thanks a lot, Mikey.
How come you ain't sharing in my joy? Because I'm not going.
-What? -What? My dad says I have to be passing English, and he tells me this after yesterday's test.
Are you sure you flunked? Eddie, come on, this is me we're talking about.
Wake up and smell yourself.
You know, Mikey, as long as there's a grade curve there's always hope.
Hey, yeah, you know, especially with Boner in the curve.
I do what I can.
Why don't you go ask the teacher's aide on this one, huh? Hey, thanks a lot, guys.
Uh, hi.
Oh, hi, Mike.
-Uh, Bobbie, right? -Robin.
Robin, Robin, yeah.
So, Robin, uh, have you finished grading those tests from yesterday yet? Yeah.
Your definition of a dangling participle was.
-Inspired? -Dirty.
-Oh, well, how'd I do overall? -Mike, I can't tell you.
-Oh.
Why? -It's the rules.
Come on, Robin, I gotta know.
Look, whatever you want.
I'll trade you my body for the information.
Is that an offer? Uh.
Look, Robin, I really need to know this grade, okay? Now, if I don't pass, I don't go in the ski trip.
Oh, you're going? Well, yeah, if I get a C.
So, come on, tell me what I got.
What you got rhymes with C.
Oh, the schools are giving out G's now? D-plus.
D-plus.
Is that with the curve? That's with an incredible curve.
[BELL RINGS.]
[SNEEZES.]
You would not believe what the rest of this house looks like.
I'm gonna kill those kids.
We ask them for one favor, "Will you help with the house while we're sick?" But do they do it? No.
Jason, the house is perfect.
Achoo! What? It's like a hospital out there.
There is no dust.
All the laundry's been done, the table's been set for dinner Ben's little clothes have been ironed for tomorrow.
I haven't seen the house this organized since I went back to work.
Oh, good.
No, that's very good.
You tell a dying man he's a bad housewife.
Oh.
Honey, don't get upset.
Carol just went a little overboard trying to do a great job and I just.
I've hurt your feelings, haven't l? No, no, no, just-- Well, it's really no big deal.
If Carol does a better job than I do, then we should be grateful.
-She's a big help, right? -Right.
And just to be clear, we are saying she does do a better job.
-Oh, Jason-- -No, that's what we're saying.
-No, honey, I really-- -That's what I'm hearing.
I really didn't mean that.
As Robin passes out your tests from yesterday I must say I was so shocked no one got below a C.
I'm seeking professional help.
[BELL RINGS.]
An A? I got an A? [GASPS.]
Robin.
An A? I rechecked your paper.
Uh, yeah, but Mrs.
Trotter is gonna find out.
-I mean, she'll know.
-She never even sees the papers.
You're safe with me.
Oh.
You look kind of cute with your mouth hanging open like that.
Oh, yes.
This means I can go on the ski trip.
Look, Robin, I really owe you in a major way.
Well, you're welcome in a major way.
Look, if there's anything that I can do for you, Robin, you got it, okay? Mike? The ski trip.
Yeah, yeah.
What about it? I'd love to be your date on the ski trip.
What ski trip? The ski trip.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now, Robin, Robin, see, the thing is none of us are taking dates on the ski trip because there's gonna be so many coyotes up there.
Yeah, those hills are just crawling with coyotes: [HOWLS.]
Mike, the only reason that you're able to go is because I changed your grade.
Yeah, and I'm very thankful for that.
Are you? Oh.
You know, you're even cuter with that dumb look on your face.
So a girl is forcing you to spend the weekend with her.
Yes.
-And this is a bad thing? -Yes.
Okay, Mikey, look at it this way.
Let's say you was a teacher's aide and you were helping out a cute chick with a phony grade.
What would you expect in return? Right there, right there.
You see? -No, no, totally different situation, Eddie.
-How? If I'd treat a girl the way she's been treating me I mean, it would be obvious that.
Well, that the girl would feel as rotten as I do.
You're right, man.
It's no different.
-Oh, no, I'm maturing.
-No.
-Mikey, don't get carried away.
-Yeah, all right.
Now, the facts here are, if you don't take Robin with you on the ski trip she's gonna change your grade back and you can't go.
Oh.
Now what do I do? I wish I had problems like this.
I've never had a second date with a chick in my life.
Girls never like me once they get to know me.
If no girls knew me, I'd probably be the most popular dude in school.
-Hey, Carol, I need to ask you something.
-Take your shoes off.
Why? I just waxed the floor.
Okay, Carol, look, I need some advice, okay? From moi? Okay, now-- Nice job.
Let's say you were really desperate and you trapped this guy into going out with you.
Let's not.
No, no, no.
Let's say you trapped him because you like him.
Now, what could he do to make you not like him? -You're serious? -Yeah.
Okay, well, first, any guy who'd be trapped into a date is a weak-kneed weenie man.
I am talking major wimp here.
Forget it, forget it.
BEN: Okay, I cleaned my room and-- [YELLING.]
Very nice job.
The place doesn't look so great.
Hey, Dad.
Look, dust.
She calls this clean? Ha.
-Dad, I think it's the fever talking.
-Oh, yeah, it's me.
Everything else is just fine.
Wait, I know something that's not fine.
What happened on your English test, huh? Huh, huh? All right.
I got an A.
Let me see that test.
A.
Wow.
Yeah, I didn't even cheat on it.
"Punctuation.
The colon is where food digests after you eat it.
" -Uh, it was graded on a curve.
-Yeah, apparently.
Well, I guess that means you'll be able to go on that ski trip after all.
Yeah, I guess so.
You don't sound too thrilled about it.
Dad, can I ask your advice about something? Why? Well, you're my dad, you like that kind of stuff.
Oh, yeah.
Now, if somebody does you a favor out of the blue and it's a really great favor but you didn't ask them to and they want you to pay them back, what do you do? Well, for starters, you should refuse the favor.
Are you kidding? Well, then you gotta pay them back.
Ah.
That was not the answer I was hoping for.
This have anything to do with that ski trip you're going on? You're going.
Mike, you passed? Passed? He got an A.
An A? Wow, Mike.
Let me see that test.
"A comma is the deep sleep you fall into after you get hit on the head.
" It's, uh, graded on the curve.
Oh.
Well, Mike, I think it's wonderful.
Yup, yup, yup.
It's wonderful.
Everything's wonderful.
Everything's running very smoothly around here lately.
Ha! Now, what are you two doing up? Now, come on, back upstairs.
I'll bring your dinner up in a little while.
-What are we having? -Coq au vin.
I made that once.
Yeah, but don't worry, I found a new recipe.
Well, I'm gonna go see if any of my patients have called.
With my luck, they're probably all cured.
Your dad's still in shock.
Mike got an A on a test.
An A? Let me see that test.
Not now.
Carol, honey, listen.
You are doing a terrific job of taking care of things while we're sick.
-Well, thanks.
-I have just one request.
-Sure.
-Stop it.
What? Your father is feeling like you're doing a better job running the house than he does.
I am.
I know.
-All I wanted to do was help.
-And that's what your dad wanted too.
But see, by giving him what he wanted, you've, well, upset him.
By giving him what he wanted I've upset him? Sure, honey, you'll find out that most people hate it when they get what they want.
Hey, wait a minute.
Is this true? Sure, there's even a Chinese curse that says "may you get what you wish for.
" Oh, this is perfect.
Look, Mom, the next time I have a problem, I'm coming to you first.
Oh, I'm going back to bed.
Uh, Mom, I gotta go make a phone call, okay? [MIKE SCREAMS THEN POTS CLATTER.]
Oh, you waxed the floor.
[SIGHS.]
Hello, Boner? Oh, Mr.
Stabone.
Uh, it's Mike.
Heh.
Yo to you too, sir.
Uh, is Richard there? Hello, Boner.
Yeah, look, I need some help.
Well, I'm gonna ask Robin out tonight.
Okay, now, I need you to tell me step by step exactly what you do on a first date so I can completely gross this girl out.
No offense.
[SULTRY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Mike, what are you doing? -Ah, who needs the distraction of a movie? -Not me.
-Ow.
-Oh.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
Look, Robin, let's not kid each other, all right? Now, you have needs and I have needs.
Now, why should we both be needy on a night such as this? Mike.
Girl, you'll be a woman soon.
Here, now, tonight.
Oh, Mike, yes.
Uh, look, wouldn't a nice big tub of something go good right now? -Popcorn? -Yeah, great idea.
Where'd he go? I can't tell.
My binocs are all fogged up.
-Mike.
-Guys, what are you doing here? Catching a movie, which is more than I can say for you.
Whoo! Guys, look.
Guys, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I've tried every sleazy move you gave me and they're all working.
Don't give me that.
Those lines never work.
Did you try, "Girl, you'll be a woman soon.
Here, now, tonight"? Yeah, I tried it and she loved it.
-I got my face slapped for it.
-I got my face kissed for it.
Hey, man, how'd you say it? Girl, you'll be a woman soon.
Here, now, tonight.
Wow.
That's how I say it.
Maybe you should consider the possibility that you're scum.
Ha, ha.
Guys, guys, guys, stop, okay? Come on.
Now, I'm in a bind here.
I need a line that is guaranteed to offend.
-Well, Boner, give him your best line.
-Yeah, okay.
Look her in the eye and say, "You got needs, I got needs.
" ALL: Why should we both be needy on a night such as this? -No, no, no, I already gave him that line.
-Yeah, and it worked.
-It never works for me.
-You guys are no help at all.
I'm scum? You're scum.
-I thought you were gonna get popcorn.
-Ah, it wasn't real butter.
I hate that too.
Look, Robin, do you have any idea why I brought you here tonight? -I have a pretty good idea.
-No, you don't.
-Yes, I do.
-You don't.
-Yes, I do.
-Look Robin, I brought you here tonight so that I could gross you out so you wouldn't like me.
You did? What does a guy have to do to offend you? -You just did it.
-All right, finally.
After I put my TA status on the line for you, and this is how you treat me? Only after you put my ski trip on the line.
I was just flirting.
Robin, that was blackmailing, not flirting.
Flirting, I know about.
You sure do.
Like this morning, when you offered me your body.
Robin, I offer every girl my body, all right? -Just nobody ever took me up on it.
-What's wrong with treating you the way guys have treated girls since the beginning of time? The beginning of time? Robin, I've only been dating for a year.
Well, don't worry.
You can go on your precious ski trip and you won't be stuck with me.
[SOBBING.]
Hey, come on, Robin, don't cry.
What do you mean "stuck"? I just didn't wanna be forced into doing something that.
Look, just because guys are crummy to girls doesn't mean you have to be crummy to me.
You know, I think it is the guys who ought to change, not the girls.
I know.
Pretty frightening concept, isn't it? Wow, look at that, she's crying.
Must have been one of my lines.
Look, Robin, I just wish that none of this had ever, ever happened.
-You're right.
-Well, thank you.
-I shouldn't have blackmailed you.
-Yeah.
-I was so wrong.
-Yeah.
-I should have never changed your grade.
-Yeah-- No.
-And tomorrow, I'm gonna make it right.
-Uh, Robin-- Tomorrow, I'm gonna change your grade back to a D-plus.
-Uh, you don't-- -And thank you, Mike.
Thanks for helping me see how wrong I was.
MAN [ON TV.]
: Time for the news.
It's 11:00.
Do you know where your children are? I don't have any children.
You're still up two hours after your bedtime and you've trashed the entire living room.
-I'll clean it up.
-No, no, this is fine.
Stay right where you are.
Get comfortable.
-Perfect.
Good night, Ben.
Night, Dad.
-Good night, Carol.
Ben, you're up two hours past your bedtime.
-Yeah, well, see, I was-- -And what is this mess here? I was set up.
Take these dishes to the kitchen and get straight up to bed right now.
I'm going, I'm going.
Look at this.
Peanut butter all over the place.
Mike, are you responsible for this mess? Probably.
-Where have you been? -Out following Mom's advice.
And just between you and me, Dad, it was the worst advice I have ever gotten.
Oh, and, Dad, uh, the grade on my English test after tomorrow it won't be an A, it'll be a D-plus.
-Why? -My teacher's throwing out the grade curve.
-Mike, I'm very-- -Disappointed in me.
Yeah, I know, me too.
How do you think I feel? I'm missing out on the ski trip and all that gorgeous class spirit.
I mean, Dad, all I know is nothing has been right since you've been sick.
Well, suddenly I'm feeling much better.
Oh, yeah.