Happy Endings s02e12 Episode Script

So What you up to, Pen? Every muscle in my body is blasted.
My ex-boyfriend, as of four minutes ago, is super into cross-countryskiing.
It is horrible, okay? It is like NordicTrack, only with wolves.
Penny, you're doing it again-- Pretending to be into the stupid stuff the guys you're dating are into.
You always change to fit a guy.
No, sometimes I change to fit a girl if she's got cute guy friends.
I'm gonna say this because I am of your best friends, and I don't want to overstep, but every choice you make in your life about everything is monumentally wrong.
That's funny 'cause it's sad.
Okay, what's your point? What I'm saying is don't change to fit a guy.
Find a guy.
Change him.
That's what I did.
What? Literally any guy would do.
You should have seen Brad when we first met.
Oy.
- What? - Really? Any guy? Even the guy that always brings his cat to the bar? Or how about Jeff? - Whoo! - Jeff is really fun at trivia night and sweet and smart.
Jeff? He's a scrub.
I don't want no scrub.
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me.
I can't go back on a mantra like that.
Come on.
He's wearing shower shoes in a bar.
He's got a soul patch in a bar.
He's doing the running man in a bar.
Do you know what's under that hockey jersey? A "family guy" tattoo? Possibly, but also the perfect guy.
Come on.
You deserve to have a guy change for you the way Brad changed for me.
I'm not gonna say "what" again, but you know I'm thinking it.
You know what, Jane? Maybe you're right.
I'm gonna give this a try.
Oh, my God.
Year of Penny.
Suck it.
So that whole changing me stuff you told Penny was just BS slumber-party pep-talk period crap, right? Oh, "change" is such an ugly word.
I just modified everything about you to make you better For me.
Nobody changed me.
I got your "change" in my pocket.
Oh.
Come on, boo-bear.
When we first met, you were a total college bonehead.
You wore cargo shorts And skater dreads.
You were obsessed with the show "Jackass.
" Yeah, obsessed with taking a stand against discrimination! Why wasn't there a black man in "Jackass," huh? What, a brother can't staple his butts together now? He can.
- I got staples.
- You've got tons of 'em.
- And I got so much butts.
- So much butts.
You needed to change, okay, and I did that.
So you're saying you didn't love old Brad.
Of course I loved old Brad, just like how I love those chairs your mom gave us that I had reupholstered, refinished so they're unrecognizable.
Okay.
- All right.
- No.
Why do you have "idea" face right now? - You'll see.
- Is something about to happen? Strap in.
Seriously.
Click it or ticket.
Put your seat belt on.
Ticks are expensive as hell.
I love my babies, and by "babies," of course, I mean my magazines.
These people make me look like I have my life together.
Aw.
That's nice that you think that.
Ohh.
You guys are still watching this stupid hoarders show? No, no.
This one's different.
Her hoarding has been really hard on me, mainly because I'm addicted to eating magazines.
- Oh, no, no.
No! - You guys are addicted - to these addiction shows.
- No! No.
Dave? Dave, are you wearing a different v-neck than you were wearing two hours ago, bud? I am, in fact, wearing a different v-neck.
Thank you for noticing.
Actually, I keep one in the truck just in case I want to make the old switch.
I call it my "emergen-tee.
" I'm gonna put on my jammies.
Oh, my God, Alex.
You understand what's happening here, right? Yes.
Maybe.
Let's say it at the same time.
- Why would we say it at the same time - Let's go.
Here.
- If you understand what I'm talking about? - 'Cause, uh--I got you.
Come on.
Dave is clearly addicted to v-necks.
Addicted to v-necks! Yes! Wait.
What? That's crazy.
No, Alex, when he left for his date, he was wearing a v-neck sweater over a v-neck t-shirt.
Then he switched to a different v-neck t-shirt mid-date.
That's three v's.
Chocolate milk.
Oh, my God.
That's four v's.
Yeah.
That's almost five.
So How'd it go with Jeff? Was he wearing another hockey jersey? Did you guys zamboni? Did he make it to your penalty box? Are you done? Did you puck? I'll e-mail the rest.
Actually, we had a fun time.
I mean, he's really nice.
He's got a good job, but there are so many more deal-breakers than we thought.
He's 30 going on 20, and he still says "sick" and "dawg" and, sadly, never when referring to a sick dog.
- Mm.
- His apartment smells like appetizers.
He's got street signs everywhere.
It's like he's squatting in a vacant Bennigan's.
Check it.
See that mini fridge? You can reach it from my futon.
Sick, right? Futon, huh? Yeah.
It's also my couch.
I'm really into combo stuff right now, you know, like, see the beer sign? - It's also my reading lamp.
- Oh.
Have you--have you read The New Joyce Carol Oates? It is dope, mang.
But, uh, he reads Joyce Carol Oates.
I mean, there's some potential there.
But the apartment, the clothes, the beatnik-juggalo facial hair.
You can change all of that.
Just woman him.
Just woman him into submission.
Just woman him around the edges.
So trick him? Yes.
Dave.
- Dave.
- Dave.
David.
David.
- Dave! - Dave! Uncle Rich! I'm sorry! "Uncle Rich"? - My Uncle Rich? - What's happening? David, you have a problem.
How many v-neck t-shirts have you worn this weekend? Uh, I don't know.
What's a baker's dozen? - 11.
- 13.
Huh? I think my baker's ripping me off.
Look, Dave, you are addicted to v-necks.
Guys, can I go back to sleep? No, you have a problem, and it needs to be addressed! Oh, this is ridiculous.
You're watching too many of those shows.
Which is why we know that you have a problem.
Will you please accept the help that we are offering you today? Okay, is this one of those things where if I don't say yes, you're not gonna let me go back to sleep? - Yeah - Yeah.
And I've been sleeping all day in preparation for this.
Actually, I didn't know this was gonna happen, but I have been sleeping all day So I'm all keyed up! Hey, what's up? I'm Brad Williams, and welcome to "Blackass.
" It's our time now! Damn right! "Blackass," y'all! Yeah! This right he Whoo! Is the snack pack mousetrap front flip.
We got the puddin', we got the traps, and we got the tramp.
Whoo! Let's do this.
Uh-huh.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah! Yeah! It's going down! Panties! Did you see that?! What's going on? Old Brad is back! Unh! Unh! Old Brad is back.
He's back.
Old Brad is back.
Oh! Look at the leg-- Oh.
Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Thighs! Ow! Hand! Hand! Ow! Ow! Oh, yeah! What is happening here? Oh, nothin'.
Just being the old Brad, before you modified him to suit your needs.
Okay.
That's what this is about? You're damn right that's what this is about.
I'm lovin' being old Brad.
Ow! Aah.
That's my good nipple.
Look, boo, if you love old Brad, then I love old Brad.
Wait.
Why do you have "idea" face now? No.
This is my "I love old Brad" face.
It's a grr.
- Good.
- Great.
The old Brad is back! Oh! Aah! - Ow! Aah! Ow! - Hey, man, I reset those traps, so heads up.
So do you like hockey? - Do I? - Yeah.
Do I? No, not really.
Oh, well, I'd love to take you to a game sometime.
- Oh, that would be really nice.
- Yeah.
You are hella sweet, Penny.
Aw.
- Ohh! - Oh, my-- Aah! - Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry! - Ohh.
Did I ruin your hockey costume? Ohh.
It's on the blackhawk.
Oh.
Damn it.
I think I have a napkin in my purse.
Ohh! I don't have a napkin, but I do have a Steven Alan reverse-seam dress shirt.
Oh.
Why do you have that? Wha-- You don't like it? Okay, because I think I also have it in gunmetal gray.
That's actually pretty sick.
- Pretty "great.
" - Yeah, dawg.
Sick! - "Great"! - Sick! Okay.
Just wear the shirt.
Okay.
Guys, for the last time, I am not addicted to v-necks, but I will humor you and allow you to put these into storage to prove it.
Humor mode activated.
I don't know what that was.
I do.
Denial.
- Oh, yeah.
- Look, Dave, your whole wardrobe is v-necks.
- Mm-hmm.
- Guys, do whatever you want, okay? Except maybe don't take this one.
It's kinda my date "v.
" I get "v" in this "v.
" - Ugh.
- Bargaining.
Fine.
This is stupid.
Just take 'em away.
Good.
Got all of 'em except for one-- The one you're wearing, champ.
Really? Fine.
It's a farmer's "v.
" Look at the track marks.
You been dancing with Mr.
V.
, son? - "Mr.
V.
"? - Tweaker.
Who is Mr.
V.
? Why are we here? Uh, I could have sworn this was an all-you-could-eat wings place.
Ugh! Gentrification.
But I guess, you know, if we're here, we could take a look around.
Oopsie golly! Me fall on mattress! Whoa.
Whoa.
Luckily, this plush-top memory-foam sleep number 45 broke our fall.
This is really comfortable.
Yeah.
This is, like-- Like, mad cozy, dawg.
I wonder how much it costs.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Oofa moofa.
I guess some things are just for the one-percenters.
Well, no, how much-- How much is it? I It's $800.
Oh, the nerve! Yeah, I-I have 800 bucks, you know? - I mean, I was - Yeah? Gonna buy a video game chair, but, you know, I th-- I really think I would use this a lot more.
I mean You probably would.
Yeah.
You know what? Maybe it's time to update my apartment.
This stuff's sick.
I had never thought that before, but now that you're saying it and we're rapping about it - Sure.
- I think you totally should.
Yeah.
You know what else they have here? What? Other stuff! What? I'm down with other stuff, mang.
- Yay! - Yeah! Oh, don't say "mang.
" Check it out.
Old Brad went out and got a butts-load of his old CDs.
- Ooh.
- Get ready, 'cause I'm gonna be bumpin' the sugar ray all night long.
Mm.
Boo-yah! I'm bringing that back, too.
Oh, fun.
Ohh.
That smells good as hell.
I made a dry-aged New York strip steak.
Yumbers.
Don't mind if I didgeridoo.
Oh, but in college, old Brad didn't eat dry-aged steak.
No.
He said that he could live off of cereal and turkey dogs.
Old Brad said what? Mm-hmm.
You know, I figured I'd take my hooks out of you and let you be old Brad.
Old Brad is not even hungry anyway.
He's just gonna go upstairs, take a nice, hot lavender bath - and soak his new dread.
- Mm.
It's a spud, but it's growin', mon.
Mm.
Love it.
- Yeah.
- Irie, mon.
- Look at that.
- Lord have mercy.
- Ohh.
- Boop, boop, boop! Bath time.
Might want to rethink that bath, though, because old Brad didn't take baths.
He took showers 'cause his tub was filled with 311 CDs, so Old Brad couldn't afford a CD tower.
I know.
It's so sad.
You know what's not sad? What? The taste of this eak In my damn mouth.
Mmm.
Boo-yah! Boo-ya-ka-sha! Mmm! Oh, no, you di'in't.
It is so good.
- Ha! - Mnh.
No.
- Ay! - No.
Still mine.
- Ow.
- Mmm.
Aah! Wow.
Not bad, right? My crib looks seriously off the hee-zee, right? Yes, Jeff.
Your apartment looks seriously nice.
Thank you.
You look seriously nice.
Aw.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What? I have a super sexy idea.
Why don't we go into the bathroom, take off your shirt - Listening.
- And shave your face - and burn your hat.
- Wh-- Okay, what-- What's going on, Penny? You want-- You want me to change my apartment, my clothes, my cool s-patch.
That's, like, a lot of change.
Jeff, you're a great guy - True dat.
- But you dress and talk - like a 20-year-old.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, now you're sounding a lot like my ex-girlfriend Emily.
We almost got married, but we didn't because I wouldn't change for her.
You know, I'm not-- I'm not gonna change for you.
I ain't sellin' out.
Well, why? Don't you love your new shirt and your new bed and your new furniture? Yeah.
Yeah, I do, but-- Look, okay? Jeff, this could be you.
Welcome to 2012.
Welcome to sex town, population Jeffrey Niebert.
- What? - That was weird.
Well, I guess I do look pretty fresh, right? Maybe you got a point, dawg.
Ohh.
Also, maybe don't say "dawg" or "stoked" or "crushed" or "mang" or add "izzle" or "iznit" to anything, but that's it, and that is all.
Oh, and don't wear those shower shoes.
Now that's it.
Yay! Let's make out after your shave your face and burn that hat.
Yay! Hello.
Aah! How were your "errands," David? If that's even your real name.
Just normal errands.
How about you guys? Did you guys have a good day? Did you get stuff done today? Why don't you take your coat off? If that's even a real coat.
- It's kinda chilly in here, guys.
- No, it's not.
I think you're wearing a v-neck.
Man, I haven't v'ed in three days.
David.
Coat off.
Fine.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
You should be.
You should both be very sorry.
Hey! Sidestep back out here for a second, young man.
Turn around! Busted! I knew it! You know what? You guys don't know what it's like.
Just leave me alone! We're more disappointed than mad, David! He's hit rock bottom.
We need to do for Dave what Sharon's family did for her on "Bulk Eaters"-- Help.
Yeah, except I think Sharon died in the end.
- Yeah.
She definitely died.
- Okay.
I even convinced Jeff to stop saying "dawg.
" Jane was right.
You can change a man.
I'm gonna start a blog or a Twitter And then it'll become a TV series starring Alyssa Milano.
Boy, I wish my last name was a cookie.
Oh, shh.
Shh.
Here he comes.
no, no I don't want no scrub a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me Damn, dawg! He looks sick.
Trying to holla at me, I don't want no scrub - Hi.
Hey.
- Hi.
Mwah.
How ya doin'? Guess what? What? I'm engaged.
What?! Congratulations.
Thank you.
A scrub is a guy that Um Seriously, Alex, how many times did you play this song? A baker's dozen, so 13.
And just sits on his broke ass Hey, Jane.
And you would be doing what? Nothing weird.
Just blowing the smell of new Brad's favorite candle downstairs so old Brad will finally admit he's better the way I made him.
Mm.
You guys seem great.
Well Turns out, you were right, Jane.
I did end up changing Jeff into a perfect guy.
I told you.
Did he thank you? They never thank you.
He did.
You know who else thanked me? His ex-girlfriend.
Well, that's nice.
It's a really sweet story.
Jeff ran into Emily at this flea market, where he was buying this handsome wall sconce that I suggested, and it turns out, em loves the new Jeff So much so that they just got right on engaged at the flea market.
Ohh! I am done changing guys.
God, that-- that sucks.
I'm sorry.
I mean, what-- What is it with guys? How does Brad not admit that I made him better? Check out what he looked like when we first met.
Whoa.
- Yeah.
Ohh.
- Look at those nasty dreads And that busted ska-punk skank he was dating.
I don't know who that is.
That's not you with the pink hair flashing a horse cop? I don't And that's not you throwing up behind a tent at a Korn concert? Mm It's me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Point taken.
- Ooh! I love this one of you making out with your "roommate" Margaret in the doubletree hot tub.
Okay.
Oh, Margaret.
I liked Margaret.
Well, now Mark What's he up to? Whoo! I'm so excited! An intervention? It's like having a surprise party for someone who's gonna hate you.
Surprise! What going on? Please, come sit with us, Dave.
- This is a safe space.
- Who are you? This is Phil.
He's a licensed drug counselor.
Okay? Don't be scared.
It's exactly what it looks like-- An interveen-tion.
I thought we were going with intervench-veen.
That really sounds better to you? Oh, God, you guys, I am not addicted to v-necks.
I thought you said this was a serious issue.
You can't be addicted to v-necks.
Yeah, you can.
I'm addicted to how good you look - in that argyle.
- This is not the place for that.
Oh, that's how you guys know each other.
And why is Scotty here? You couldn't get any of my real friends for my fake intervention? Admit that you have a problem, Doug! Doug? It's Dave.
Listen, this is really stupid, but I got an hour to kill before I have to be at a real intervention, so Sit with us, Dave.
- Sit down.
- I got it, Scotty.
Let me ask you a question.
Why do you wear so many v-necks? Piercing question, Phil.
Who cares? They're just shirts.
I like the way they look.
They make me feel safe.
Safe? Keep going with that.
Keep going with that.
- Talk more about the shirt thing.
- Fine.
Well, I I was 11 years old.
I was being bullied by this fat kid, appropriately named "Fat Harold.
" - Mm-hmm.
- He would do this thing where he'd come up behind me and yank me to the ground by the back of my shirt.
It was miserable, till I started wearing v-necks.
Then I had enough room to wriggle out and get away.
V-necks always made me feel comfortable, safe.
Wow, Dave, what an inappropriate forum for such a long and boring story.
I mean, sorry.
Yeah, we're sorry about all this.
I mean, we were just bored.
Come here.
I don't care what kind of t-shirts you wear, okay? I-I think you look great in v-necks.
Guys I think I might be addicted to Vicodin.
Hmm? Brad, I was wrong.
I'm--I'm sorry.
What Is happening? Is that old Jane? Let's go with "Previous Jane.
" Forgot how hard you rocked those Gwen Stefani chola eyebrows.
No doubt! No.
Brad, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.
But the truth is, I did change you.
But You changed me, too.
Old Brad and, uh Previous Jane fell in love and We changed together.
We grew Like this.
Aw, babe.
You know, you lookin' so good is kinda making me wanna get us out of these clothes If you know what I mean.
I know what you mean.
Oh, yeah.
It's just the way I like it.
Oh, God.
It's so good.
- Oh! - Ahh.
Mmm.
Yumbers.
So What is a fit bird like you doing in a pub like this? Just ordering something British like a Shandy or Ace One.
No, I am not British.
I was just doing that to impress you, but I am done changing for guys, and I am done changing them, too.
Sorry.
It's all right.
I'm actually not British either.
Yeah.
I just-- I heard girls were into accents, and you were really cute.
Also, I was a preemie.
I was a preemie, too! No, I wasn't.
I was five weeks late.
I do not know what's wrong with me.
Brilliantly played.
Well done.
Thank you.
- Hey, guys.
- Wow.
Hey! Dave, is there something different about you? You part your hair on the other side, you animal.
No.
He's wearing a turtleneck.
Clutch the pearls.
Yeah, it's been four days.
I'm feeling great.
It feels like a new chapter.
- So proud of you, Dave.
- Oh, thank you.
- This is big.
- Oh, thank you.
- We're all really proud.
- Really big.
- Oh, thanks.
- Big stuff.
- Couldn't have done it without you guys.
- We're proud.