How I Met Your Father (2022) s02e12 Episode Script
Not a Mamma Mia
1
Upbeat theme playing ♪
Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
Son, we're going to take a quick break
from the story of how I met your father
and talk about how I met my father.
[soft laugh]
I know you didn't ask
for this part, so bear with me.
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
I didn't ask for any of this.
You said you needed
help with your phone!
Oh, son, you're hysterical.
Okay.
Tell me everything
you remember about my dad.
I met him at Lollapalooza.
He lolla'd my palooza,
and bam, here you are.
Okay. I'm gonna show you
this photo again.
- Ugh
- This is the day you guys met,
so something in here
has to jog your memory.
[gasps] Oh, my God! That's him!
That's just an arm!
I know, but I remember
the barbed wire tattoo on his bicep.
He said he needed security
around his guns. [laughs]
Oh, my God,
and you still slept with him?
Wait, he's wearing a badge.
"Captain Concessions."
Was he working the festival?
Yes. Yes, he was.
Well, you can almost see his name.
Ick!
His name ends in "ick." Mom,
you've got to remember. What is it?
- His name was Mick!
- Really?
I don't remember,
but don't you hope it's Mick?
♪
Guys!
The search for my father
has been narrowed down
to three potential dads. [Ellen gasps]
Thanks to a lot of hard work
from my bestie.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
These days, I'll do literally
anything to avoid my
fiancé. At least this time,
I didn't have to trick him
into learning a new life skill.
Hey, babe!
I'm finally an intermediate at Spanish
on Duolingo. Can we hang out now?
[sighs] Sorry.
You're not gonna be able to speak
to my abuela at the wedding
until you're level 70.
Sigue practicándo.
Entiendo.
That poor sweet boy.
So how did you narrow it down
to three names?
Sophie's dad worked
for Captain Concessions in 1991,
his first name ends in "ick,"
so I went to their LinkedIn page
and did a deep dive
on all their current employees,
until I found an HR director
who has a second family in Poughkeepsie.
So, I blackmail him
into sending me the roster
of all the employees
that worked Lollapalooza '91,
and three of them have names
that end in "ick."
Oh. Simple.
Okay! Everyone gets an ick.
Val and I are gonna take
Nick Foster in Staten Island.
Sid and Jesse, you guys get Rick Graham
- in New Jersey
- Oh.
and Charlie and Ellen,
you guys get Dick Webber-Morris
in Yonkers.
Guys, do you see what's happening here?
This is a Mamma Mia!
Technically, it's not.
In Mamma Mia,
Meryl Streep slept with three guys.
My mom slept with one.
I think it's more of a reverse
gender-swapped Philomena.
Wha No, Philomena is an Irish nun
trying to find her son
who was taken away from her.
What we have here is a hetero
The Kids Are All Right.
No, I just googled it.
Sophie's life is most like
the beloved Paul Reiser TV show
My Two Dads, but with three dads.
Final answer.
[all agreeing]
Wait, guys, guys, guys!
Let's channel this energy
into actually finding my dad.
Okay? Ick on three.
- One, two, three!
- ALL: Ick!
♪
Okay, check it out.
I'm gonna go to the desk.
I'm gonna ask for Rick.
I'm gonna sign up for the free trial.
And then, I'm gonna cancel
before the end of the month.
[laughs] [text chimes]
TAYLOR:
Hey. It's your airplane pal Taylor.
Remember that rapper
we were sitting next to?
- SID: How could I forget?
- TAYLOR: Well
Li'l Toasty's new single just dropped,
and I think it's about
how he wanted to have
a threesome with us!
What? No way. How do you know that?
Because it's called Mile High Menage.
We're freakin' famous!
Hey, Rick's about to come out.
[clears throat]
Why are you grinning
at your phone like an idiot?
Oh No, nothing. Uh, my new bud Taylor
sent me something funny.
Oh. You have a new buddy.
Cool. Love that for you.
Funny Taylor. You know,
I've got some pretty
hysterical hot takes
about Whole Foods you haven't heard.
Whole Foods? More like whole paycheck
Hey, guys. I'm Rick.
[quietly]: Could Sophie be half-Asian?
♪
[phone ringing]
Dick and Dale's Exotic Entertainment.
We're ripped, we strip, and you tip.
Oh, hey, Mom.
Do you think that's him?
Until I figure out why I self-sabotage,
I don't think I'll ever find love.
[scoffs] Rambling on
about his horrible love life.
Definitely Sophie's dad.
Hi there! Uh, are you Dick or Dale?
Dick.
Dale passed years ago.
He tried the death-defying
alley-oop pole flip.
Nailed it.
But then got murdered.
I bet he's giving lap dances
to angels now.
Dick, did you ever, by chance,
attend the music festival Lollapalooza?
No. Why are you asking me that?
Just a fun icebreaker, you know?
We like to get to know our strippers.
[laughs]
Ellen, may I speak to you by the
butt-shot wall?
[phone ringing]
Well, he's lying. We already know
he went to Lollapalooza.
Clearly, we can't trust him to answer
our questions honestly.
We gotta see if he's got that
barbed wire tattoo on his arm.
Ask him to take his shirt off.
You can't just ask a stripper
to sample the merchandise
without paying for the goods.
He's not Costco, Ellen!
Follow my lead.
Dick, my friend,
all the wall butts in the world
- pale in comparison with yours.
- ELLEN: Mm-hmm.
Now I'm in charge
of throwing my best friend here
her bachelorette party,
and I want you to be the stripper.
Oh. [laughs] I'm flattered,
but I've been out of the game for years.
That is such a shame
because my dream bachelorette
is a man like you
shakin' a donk like that
in a face like this.
Please? [nervous laugh]
You know what? For you,
I'll dust this donk off one last time.
- When's the party?
- In two hours.
♪
- [ferry horn blasts]
- Hey, sorry I sent you guys all the way
to a gym in Jersey for nothing.
Oh, it wasn't for nothing.
We both Zumba'd our asses off.
Hoo-hoo! [Sophie laughs]
I hope Staten Island Nick is your dad.
We never get to hang out on islands.
Manhattan is an island.
Okay, sweetie.
[Valentina and Sophie laugh]
Oh, my God.
What if my dad owns a hot dog store?
I'll be a hot dog heiress.
[sighs]
- Wish me luck.
- FRIENDS: Good luck. You got this, go.
[clears throat] Hey.
Uh, can I speak to Nick, please?
Oh, I'm just a real hot dog head
who is dying to meet the founder
of Nick's of Staten Island.
The founder of
Nick's of Staten Island is
SOPHIE: Dead.
This guy's dead.
Oh! Uh
Charlie and Ellen just texted
that your dad
may be a washed-up male stripper.
Oof.
Suddenly, dead's not looking so bad.
♪
So there's a 50% chance my dad's dead.
[sighs]
Should we, like,
say something to honor him?
Uh
mazing Grace ♪
How sweet ♪
The sound ♪
That saved ♪
A wretch ♪
Like ♪
Whoa, we got a mourner.
We got a mourner. Fan out.
He's here for Nick.
Oh, my God.
He's got the barbed wire tattoo.
[gasps]
That must be my much older half-brother,
and he got the tattoo
to honor our dad
Sophie. That's your dad.
Then whose gravestone is that?
Your grandfather's.
Oh duh.
Val, can you text me what's going on so
I don't seem dumb in front of everyone?
So, my friends and I followed my dad
back onto the Staten Island Ferry.
We were like sexy spies.
On a boat that smelled like trash.
Full disclosure,
sometimes, I still miss my Tamagotchi.
Full disclosure, I still have mine.
Hey, hey, hey. You wanna go to the front
and do "king of the world" with me?
[both giggle]
[sighs] I was just texting Taylor.
What'd you say?
Never mind.
I can't believe we're tailing my dad.
I'm so excited to see
what amazing new place
he's gonna take us.
♪
Back here, huh?
Don't hate it.
Ah.
Welcome to
straight-Ellen's bachelorette!
We have penis hats,
a penis piñata,
and a pineapple upside-down penis cake!
That is extremely realistic.
The detail is amazing.
Are those pubes made of coconut flakes?
It's a triumph.
[doorbell rings] Oh!
There's our entertainment.
Now, remember, ladies, you can look,
but you can't touch.
Not gonna be a problem.
[pirate accent]: Ahoy, landlubbers.
Who's ready to walk my plank?
So, are we waiting for the rest
of the guests or
Nope! Gang's all here!
What I lack in friends,
I make up for in horniness,
so get dancin'!
Ah! Okay, Ellen.
Are you ready for me to
- shiver your timbers?
- Oh!
Sure, big boy. Drop anchor.
[no accent]: Oh, th-that costs extra.
Never mind. Full steam ahead.
That also costs extra.
Just do what we paid for.
Pirates of the Caribbean remix ♪
Really? He's going one scarf at a time?
Let me try and speed this along.
Take your shirt off, Dick. Woo!
[knowing laugh]
[pirate accent]:
Don't worry, little lady.
All in due time.
All in due time.
♪
♪
Okay. It's now or never. Right?
I'm just gonna walk up to him and say
I'm Sophie. I'm your daughter.
Mm-hmm.
Here I go.
I'm doing it!
Watch me go!
I'm going. Am I going?
No, you're just crushing Val's hand.
- [gasps] Sorry.
- Oh
Sorry. I've just
I've been waiting for this moment
my entire life,
imagining what my dad would be like.
What if he's terrible? [gasps]
What if he signs me up for basketball
and pushes me to my limit,
until I finally break down
and have to tell him,
"Dad, basketball's your dream,
but it's not mine!"
- She's right
- What?
I mean, not about
her weirdly specific fear,
but we should vet him
and make sure he's dad-worthy
before we reveal her true identity.
You're right.
We should give him some dad tests.
Good idea.
Hey, let's see if he'd take
a bullet for Sophie, huh?
But, if he passes, he's dead.
And if he fails, I'm dead.
See you guys come up
with any good ideas
- [electric guitar riff]
- ROCKER VOICES: Dad Tests!
Oh! Oh no! Ow! I fell!
Can somebody, anybody, help me?
- Oh!
- You okay, pal?
- Oh, I'm fine, thanks.
- Your shoes have no traction.
You gotta rock something like these.
- Hey, what size are you?
- 11 wide.
No way. Foot twins.
Here, try these bad boys on.
Nick is literally giving him
the shoes off his feet.
Tell you what. Keep 'em.
I got another pair in back.
Now, you go out there
and follow your dreams.
I promise I'll make you proud.
I'm a little proud already.
Rock music ♪
[ding]
Uh, hey, would you mind
tossing me a ketchup packet?
Oh, sure thing, ace.
[sighs]
Oh, thanks. Uh, I only need one.
Nice arm, slugger. [laughs]
Thank you.
- Hey. Go long.
- Okay.
- I caught it!
- Yeah, you did, champ!
[mouthing]
[ding]
[slams book] [loud sigh]
You okay?
Not really. Grad school is way too hard.
I think I'm gonna quit
and start an OnlyFans.
Do you think me washing my dog
in lingerie for money
is a good path for me?
I think
you shouldn't let a moment
of frustration derail you.
Education's important.
You should stay in school.
Rock music ♪
But, end of the day,
it's your life and your body,
and anyone who tells you otherwise
is trying to stigmatize your sexuality
to control you.
All work has dignity.
Rock music ♪
Your dad is like
a Mr. Rogers-level good dude!
Great!
Okay, after his shift is over,
I'm gonna go in and introduce myself.
- Can I come, too?
- Me, too. We can all share your dad?
- No!
- O-Of course not.
Soph, we will give you some privacy.
[whispers]:
We'll come back and hang with him later.
Oh, my God, wait! I didn't tell
Charlie and Ellen that we found my dad,
so can one of you guys?
Sure, sweetie.
They didn't.
Pirates remix continues ♪
It's been an hour.
He has to take his shirt off next.
Come on!
Who strips from the bottom up?
[crying]
Dick? What's wrong?
[whimpers]
I miss Dale.
[turns off boombox]
I haven't stripped since he passed away.
It-it just doesn't feel right to go
full nude without him here.
God, I totally understand.
I mean, if Ellen and I
were a team of strippers,
a-and she pulled off
a daring stripper move
and then got murdered
in a totally unrelated incident,
I don't think I'd ever
strip again either.
Yes, you would.
Because you'd know that I'd want you
to shake that thing harder than ever.
For me.
For us.
And I bet that's what Dale
would want for you, too.
You're right.
CHARLIE/RACHEL/ELLEN:
Strip. Strip. Strip.
Strip. Strip. Strip. Strip.
[restarts boombox]
- Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip!
- Dale! This is for you!
[faster]:
Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip!
- No barbed wire tattoo!
- Oh, man!
I-I mean
[aroused]: Oh, man
Dick, we know you were lying
about going to Lollapalooza.
Why didn't you just tell the truth?
Bad memories.
Dale met his murderer at that festival.
[quiet sports chatter on TV]
Get there. Get there!
[crowd cheering on TV]
Yes! Let's go, Mets!
[laughs] You're lying!
I'm not! Hand to God,
I know all the words to the Macarena.
Why?
When I was 12, it was my Everest.
Alright. Put your phone away
'cause I got us a ridiculous
amount of barbecue,
a box of cigars, and a home brew kit.
'Cause I love you, man!
I-I don't know why I'm trying
to downplay it. I love you!
Okay Thanks
"Thanks." [scoffs]
Trying to get
our frickin' spark back, man.
Something's off with us.
Bro, we are the Spam of friendship.
Okay? Our shelf life is forever.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
But you've been texting all day
with your new friend Taylor.
What? Who cares?
Taylor's great, but she's not you.
You complete me, bro!
- Wow. Did I just come up with that?
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Taylor's a woman?
- Yeah
Did I not mention that?
No, you didn't.
Okay. Well, yeah, she is.
And where did you meet
this new girl friend?
[scoffs] I don't know
why you're being so weird.
It's not even a big deal.
We met on a flight to LA.
She's also in
a long-distance relationship,
and we bonded over it. That's it.
- Got it.
- Yeah.
[sighs] It's just
I mean, you've been
texting her a lot lately
like you do
when you're really into someone.
Whatever. You know what?
You're the best guy I know,
and if you think this is innocent,
then it is. Alright? End of story.
Now, this homebrew kit said
it's gonna take 6 to 8 weeks,
so let's just go to the bar, huh?
[text chimes]
It's settled.
You are singing me the Macarena
the next time we see each other.
Maybe next Saturday?
My friends and I are doing karaoke
if you wanna come.
Taylor, I'm sorry.
I don't think we should talk anymore.
No worries.
I-I totally get it.
♪
JESSE: Mm! This cake is delicious.
Try the balls. They're made of nuts.
- Genius!
- Wow.
Oh hey, here she is. Hey, how'd it go?
I, um
couldn't go through with it.
What happened?
I don't know.
I was about to introduce myself,
and then I realized
that he's a Mets fan.
Fair. That's a brutal legacy to take on.
No. I realized
that him being a Mets fan is just
one of a thousand things
that I don't know about him,
and catching up and learning
all of those things,
and then having to tell him
every little quirk about me,
I don't know. It felt like too much.
And maybe it's just
too late for us.
Or
maybe today just wasn't the day.
- You know?
- Totally.
It's not just that.
Even if we did get caught up
on all the little things,
who knows if he would even like me?
Soph, your dad is absolutely
gonna love you.
When you're ready.
Yeah.
When I am ready.
NICK: Hi.
Can't forget we
only get what we give ♪
Oh, you got the music in you ♪
Upbeat theme playing ♪
Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
Son, we're going to take a quick break
from the story of how I met your father
and talk about how I met my father.
[soft laugh]
I know you didn't ask
for this part, so bear with me.
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
I didn't ask for any of this.
You said you needed
help with your phone!
Oh, son, you're hysterical.
Okay.
Tell me everything
you remember about my dad.
I met him at Lollapalooza.
He lolla'd my palooza,
and bam, here you are.
Okay. I'm gonna show you
this photo again.
- Ugh
- This is the day you guys met,
so something in here
has to jog your memory.
[gasps] Oh, my God! That's him!
That's just an arm!
I know, but I remember
the barbed wire tattoo on his bicep.
He said he needed security
around his guns. [laughs]
Oh, my God,
and you still slept with him?
Wait, he's wearing a badge.
"Captain Concessions."
Was he working the festival?
Yes. Yes, he was.
Well, you can almost see his name.
Ick!
His name ends in "ick." Mom,
you've got to remember. What is it?
- His name was Mick!
- Really?
I don't remember,
but don't you hope it's Mick?
♪
Guys!
The search for my father
has been narrowed down
to three potential dads. [Ellen gasps]
Thanks to a lot of hard work
from my bestie.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
These days, I'll do literally
anything to avoid my
fiancé. At least this time,
I didn't have to trick him
into learning a new life skill.
Hey, babe!
I'm finally an intermediate at Spanish
on Duolingo. Can we hang out now?
[sighs] Sorry.
You're not gonna be able to speak
to my abuela at the wedding
until you're level 70.
Sigue practicándo.
Entiendo.
That poor sweet boy.
So how did you narrow it down
to three names?
Sophie's dad worked
for Captain Concessions in 1991,
his first name ends in "ick,"
so I went to their LinkedIn page
and did a deep dive
on all their current employees,
until I found an HR director
who has a second family in Poughkeepsie.
So, I blackmail him
into sending me the roster
of all the employees
that worked Lollapalooza '91,
and three of them have names
that end in "ick."
Oh. Simple.
Okay! Everyone gets an ick.
Val and I are gonna take
Nick Foster in Staten Island.
Sid and Jesse, you guys get Rick Graham
- in New Jersey
- Oh.
and Charlie and Ellen,
you guys get Dick Webber-Morris
in Yonkers.
Guys, do you see what's happening here?
This is a Mamma Mia!
Technically, it's not.
In Mamma Mia,
Meryl Streep slept with three guys.
My mom slept with one.
I think it's more of a reverse
gender-swapped Philomena.
Wha No, Philomena is an Irish nun
trying to find her son
who was taken away from her.
What we have here is a hetero
The Kids Are All Right.
No, I just googled it.
Sophie's life is most like
the beloved Paul Reiser TV show
My Two Dads, but with three dads.
Final answer.
[all agreeing]
Wait, guys, guys, guys!
Let's channel this energy
into actually finding my dad.
Okay? Ick on three.
- One, two, three!
- ALL: Ick!
♪
Okay, check it out.
I'm gonna go to the desk.
I'm gonna ask for Rick.
I'm gonna sign up for the free trial.
And then, I'm gonna cancel
before the end of the month.
[laughs] [text chimes]
TAYLOR:
Hey. It's your airplane pal Taylor.
Remember that rapper
we were sitting next to?
- SID: How could I forget?
- TAYLOR: Well
Li'l Toasty's new single just dropped,
and I think it's about
how he wanted to have
a threesome with us!
What? No way. How do you know that?
Because it's called Mile High Menage.
We're freakin' famous!
Hey, Rick's about to come out.
[clears throat]
Why are you grinning
at your phone like an idiot?
Oh No, nothing. Uh, my new bud Taylor
sent me something funny.
Oh. You have a new buddy.
Cool. Love that for you.
Funny Taylor. You know,
I've got some pretty
hysterical hot takes
about Whole Foods you haven't heard.
Whole Foods? More like whole paycheck
Hey, guys. I'm Rick.
[quietly]: Could Sophie be half-Asian?
♪
[phone ringing]
Dick and Dale's Exotic Entertainment.
We're ripped, we strip, and you tip.
Oh, hey, Mom.
Do you think that's him?
Until I figure out why I self-sabotage,
I don't think I'll ever find love.
[scoffs] Rambling on
about his horrible love life.
Definitely Sophie's dad.
Hi there! Uh, are you Dick or Dale?
Dick.
Dale passed years ago.
He tried the death-defying
alley-oop pole flip.
Nailed it.
But then got murdered.
I bet he's giving lap dances
to angels now.
Dick, did you ever, by chance,
attend the music festival Lollapalooza?
No. Why are you asking me that?
Just a fun icebreaker, you know?
We like to get to know our strippers.
[laughs]
Ellen, may I speak to you by the
butt-shot wall?
[phone ringing]
Well, he's lying. We already know
he went to Lollapalooza.
Clearly, we can't trust him to answer
our questions honestly.
We gotta see if he's got that
barbed wire tattoo on his arm.
Ask him to take his shirt off.
You can't just ask a stripper
to sample the merchandise
without paying for the goods.
He's not Costco, Ellen!
Follow my lead.
Dick, my friend,
all the wall butts in the world
- pale in comparison with yours.
- ELLEN: Mm-hmm.
Now I'm in charge
of throwing my best friend here
her bachelorette party,
and I want you to be the stripper.
Oh. [laughs] I'm flattered,
but I've been out of the game for years.
That is such a shame
because my dream bachelorette
is a man like you
shakin' a donk like that
in a face like this.
Please? [nervous laugh]
You know what? For you,
I'll dust this donk off one last time.
- When's the party?
- In two hours.
♪
- [ferry horn blasts]
- Hey, sorry I sent you guys all the way
to a gym in Jersey for nothing.
Oh, it wasn't for nothing.
We both Zumba'd our asses off.
Hoo-hoo! [Sophie laughs]
I hope Staten Island Nick is your dad.
We never get to hang out on islands.
Manhattan is an island.
Okay, sweetie.
[Valentina and Sophie laugh]
Oh, my God.
What if my dad owns a hot dog store?
I'll be a hot dog heiress.
[sighs]
- Wish me luck.
- FRIENDS: Good luck. You got this, go.
[clears throat] Hey.
Uh, can I speak to Nick, please?
Oh, I'm just a real hot dog head
who is dying to meet the founder
of Nick's of Staten Island.
The founder of
Nick's of Staten Island is
SOPHIE: Dead.
This guy's dead.
Oh! Uh
Charlie and Ellen just texted
that your dad
may be a washed-up male stripper.
Oof.
Suddenly, dead's not looking so bad.
♪
So there's a 50% chance my dad's dead.
[sighs]
Should we, like,
say something to honor him?
Uh
mazing Grace ♪
How sweet ♪
The sound ♪
That saved ♪
A wretch ♪
Like ♪
Whoa, we got a mourner.
We got a mourner. Fan out.
He's here for Nick.
Oh, my God.
He's got the barbed wire tattoo.
[gasps]
That must be my much older half-brother,
and he got the tattoo
to honor our dad
Sophie. That's your dad.
Then whose gravestone is that?
Your grandfather's.
Oh duh.
Val, can you text me what's going on so
I don't seem dumb in front of everyone?
So, my friends and I followed my dad
back onto the Staten Island Ferry.
We were like sexy spies.
On a boat that smelled like trash.
Full disclosure,
sometimes, I still miss my Tamagotchi.
Full disclosure, I still have mine.
Hey, hey, hey. You wanna go to the front
and do "king of the world" with me?
[both giggle]
[sighs] I was just texting Taylor.
What'd you say?
Never mind.
I can't believe we're tailing my dad.
I'm so excited to see
what amazing new place
he's gonna take us.
♪
Back here, huh?
Don't hate it.
Ah.
Welcome to
straight-Ellen's bachelorette!
We have penis hats,
a penis piñata,
and a pineapple upside-down penis cake!
That is extremely realistic.
The detail is amazing.
Are those pubes made of coconut flakes?
It's a triumph.
[doorbell rings] Oh!
There's our entertainment.
Now, remember, ladies, you can look,
but you can't touch.
Not gonna be a problem.
[pirate accent]: Ahoy, landlubbers.
Who's ready to walk my plank?
So, are we waiting for the rest
of the guests or
Nope! Gang's all here!
What I lack in friends,
I make up for in horniness,
so get dancin'!
Ah! Okay, Ellen.
Are you ready for me to
- shiver your timbers?
- Oh!
Sure, big boy. Drop anchor.
[no accent]: Oh, th-that costs extra.
Never mind. Full steam ahead.
That also costs extra.
Just do what we paid for.
Pirates of the Caribbean remix ♪
Really? He's going one scarf at a time?
Let me try and speed this along.
Take your shirt off, Dick. Woo!
[knowing laugh]
[pirate accent]:
Don't worry, little lady.
All in due time.
All in due time.
♪
♪
Okay. It's now or never. Right?
I'm just gonna walk up to him and say
I'm Sophie. I'm your daughter.
Mm-hmm.
Here I go.
I'm doing it!
Watch me go!
I'm going. Am I going?
No, you're just crushing Val's hand.
- [gasps] Sorry.
- Oh
Sorry. I've just
I've been waiting for this moment
my entire life,
imagining what my dad would be like.
What if he's terrible? [gasps]
What if he signs me up for basketball
and pushes me to my limit,
until I finally break down
and have to tell him,
"Dad, basketball's your dream,
but it's not mine!"
- She's right
- What?
I mean, not about
her weirdly specific fear,
but we should vet him
and make sure he's dad-worthy
before we reveal her true identity.
You're right.
We should give him some dad tests.
Good idea.
Hey, let's see if he'd take
a bullet for Sophie, huh?
But, if he passes, he's dead.
And if he fails, I'm dead.
See you guys come up
with any good ideas
- [electric guitar riff]
- ROCKER VOICES: Dad Tests!
Oh! Oh no! Ow! I fell!
Can somebody, anybody, help me?
- Oh!
- You okay, pal?
- Oh, I'm fine, thanks.
- Your shoes have no traction.
You gotta rock something like these.
- Hey, what size are you?
- 11 wide.
No way. Foot twins.
Here, try these bad boys on.
Nick is literally giving him
the shoes off his feet.
Tell you what. Keep 'em.
I got another pair in back.
Now, you go out there
and follow your dreams.
I promise I'll make you proud.
I'm a little proud already.
Rock music ♪
[ding]
Uh, hey, would you mind
tossing me a ketchup packet?
Oh, sure thing, ace.
[sighs]
Oh, thanks. Uh, I only need one.
Nice arm, slugger. [laughs]
Thank you.
- Hey. Go long.
- Okay.
- I caught it!
- Yeah, you did, champ!
[mouthing]
[ding]
[slams book] [loud sigh]
You okay?
Not really. Grad school is way too hard.
I think I'm gonna quit
and start an OnlyFans.
Do you think me washing my dog
in lingerie for money
is a good path for me?
I think
you shouldn't let a moment
of frustration derail you.
Education's important.
You should stay in school.
Rock music ♪
But, end of the day,
it's your life and your body,
and anyone who tells you otherwise
is trying to stigmatize your sexuality
to control you.
All work has dignity.
Rock music ♪
Your dad is like
a Mr. Rogers-level good dude!
Great!
Okay, after his shift is over,
I'm gonna go in and introduce myself.
- Can I come, too?
- Me, too. We can all share your dad?
- No!
- O-Of course not.
Soph, we will give you some privacy.
[whispers]:
We'll come back and hang with him later.
Oh, my God, wait! I didn't tell
Charlie and Ellen that we found my dad,
so can one of you guys?
Sure, sweetie.
They didn't.
Pirates remix continues ♪
It's been an hour.
He has to take his shirt off next.
Come on!
Who strips from the bottom up?
[crying]
Dick? What's wrong?
[whimpers]
I miss Dale.
[turns off boombox]
I haven't stripped since he passed away.
It-it just doesn't feel right to go
full nude without him here.
God, I totally understand.
I mean, if Ellen and I
were a team of strippers,
a-and she pulled off
a daring stripper move
and then got murdered
in a totally unrelated incident,
I don't think I'd ever
strip again either.
Yes, you would.
Because you'd know that I'd want you
to shake that thing harder than ever.
For me.
For us.
And I bet that's what Dale
would want for you, too.
You're right.
CHARLIE/RACHEL/ELLEN:
Strip. Strip. Strip.
Strip. Strip. Strip. Strip.
[restarts boombox]
- Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip!
- Dale! This is for you!
[faster]:
Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip! Strip!
- No barbed wire tattoo!
- Oh, man!
I-I mean
[aroused]: Oh, man
Dick, we know you were lying
about going to Lollapalooza.
Why didn't you just tell the truth?
Bad memories.
Dale met his murderer at that festival.
[quiet sports chatter on TV]
Get there. Get there!
[crowd cheering on TV]
Yes! Let's go, Mets!
[laughs] You're lying!
I'm not! Hand to God,
I know all the words to the Macarena.
Why?
When I was 12, it was my Everest.
Alright. Put your phone away
'cause I got us a ridiculous
amount of barbecue,
a box of cigars, and a home brew kit.
'Cause I love you, man!
I-I don't know why I'm trying
to downplay it. I love you!
Okay Thanks
"Thanks." [scoffs]
Trying to get
our frickin' spark back, man.
Something's off with us.
Bro, we are the Spam of friendship.
Okay? Our shelf life is forever.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
But you've been texting all day
with your new friend Taylor.
What? Who cares?
Taylor's great, but she's not you.
You complete me, bro!
- Wow. Did I just come up with that?
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Taylor's a woman?
- Yeah
Did I not mention that?
No, you didn't.
Okay. Well, yeah, she is.
And where did you meet
this new girl friend?
[scoffs] I don't know
why you're being so weird.
It's not even a big deal.
We met on a flight to LA.
She's also in
a long-distance relationship,
and we bonded over it. That's it.
- Got it.
- Yeah.
[sighs] It's just
I mean, you've been
texting her a lot lately
like you do
when you're really into someone.
Whatever. You know what?
You're the best guy I know,
and if you think this is innocent,
then it is. Alright? End of story.
Now, this homebrew kit said
it's gonna take 6 to 8 weeks,
so let's just go to the bar, huh?
[text chimes]
It's settled.
You are singing me the Macarena
the next time we see each other.
Maybe next Saturday?
My friends and I are doing karaoke
if you wanna come.
Taylor, I'm sorry.
I don't think we should talk anymore.
No worries.
I-I totally get it.
♪
JESSE: Mm! This cake is delicious.
Try the balls. They're made of nuts.
- Genius!
- Wow.
Oh hey, here she is. Hey, how'd it go?
I, um
couldn't go through with it.
What happened?
I don't know.
I was about to introduce myself,
and then I realized
that he's a Mets fan.
Fair. That's a brutal legacy to take on.
No. I realized
that him being a Mets fan is just
one of a thousand things
that I don't know about him,
and catching up and learning
all of those things,
and then having to tell him
every little quirk about me,
I don't know. It felt like too much.
And maybe it's just
too late for us.
Or
maybe today just wasn't the day.
- You know?
- Totally.
It's not just that.
Even if we did get caught up
on all the little things,
who knows if he would even like me?
Soph, your dad is absolutely
gonna love you.
When you're ready.
Yeah.
When I am ready.
NICK: Hi.
Can't forget we
only get what we give ♪
Oh, you got the music in you ♪