Life in Pieces (2015) s02e12 Episode Script

1 Did you bike over here? What, and sweat in this outfit? No way.
No, this is just a preview of the outfit you're gonna wear for your bachelor party.
Oh, no.
Now, I already know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "Greg, do they even allow spandex at a strip club?" And they do.
But don't worry, okay? 'Cause we are not going to a strip club.
No.
We are gonna be pedaling on one of these babies.
It's a bike bar.
It's a bar on a bike.
Yeah.
Okay.
Um, wow.
(clears throat) Um There's still a lot being worked out, about the wedding, - you know? And, um - Okay.
nothing's really set in stone yet, about who is doing what.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, okey-dokey-do, well, um you doesn't really matter much to me.
You know? It's not like I've been been planning anything.
So, uh Yeah.
I'll just go.
- Okay.
- Okay.
(door opens, closes) What's going on out here? (clears throat) I think Greg assumes he's gonna be my best man again.
Well, did you tell him we're eloping? Well, that kind of defeats the purpose of eloping, doesn't it? If you're eloping, you don't tell your family.
You know? Yeah.
Can we talk about this later? - It's 4:00 in the morning.
- Yep.
GREG: I don't understand.
Why wouldn't Matt want me? I mean, I was best man at his first wedding, and I did a great job.
Uh, I seem to remember a toast where you outed his wife as a stripper.
You come up with a word that rhymes with 'zipper.
' I still don't understand why you were talking about a zipper.
Because she was a stripper.
I can't have this argument with you again.
Okay, fine.
You want to know what? I will have this argument with Heather.
He's shafting me on best man.
I mean, was my speech that bad? Yes.
But I think more complaints were logged about that terrible bachelor party you threw.
What? Oh, right, the Booze Choo-Choo.
Ugh.
It was brilliant.
We chugga-chugga'd on a choo-choo? Yeah, but instead of being on a boat, staring at the vast expanse of the ocean, we're on a stinky train, staring at a bunch of people's backyards full of tires.
I mean, who has that many tires? Well, I had no idea that I had disappointed Matt so much.
I mean, I ruined the toast, I threw a bad bachelor party - Don't forget you lost the ring.
- Yeah.
How was I supposed to know that bird could fly? (sighs) I got to make it up to him.
I have to show Matthew that I may not be the best man for every man, but I am the best man for Matt, man.
Well, then go to him.
Let him know how you feel.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(door opens, closes) Aw, that son of a bitch.
He's gonna do it.
He is really gonna do it.
Greg? (thunder crashing) We need to talk.
Look, I know that I disappointed you as your best man.
Because people have told me.
But I have poured my heart into writing you a letter that is going to explain to you why you should give me a second chance.
And right now I'm deciding not to read that letter and speak from my heart, 'cause in the movies, that's how people get convinced to do things.
Okay.
Greg, you don't understand.
No! Matthew, you don't understand, okay? You're my big brother.
Right? You are my bro-bro from the same mo-mo and I am gonna go back to reading this letter.
Okay.
Greg, just sit down.
You are a great brother.
But you can't be my best man.
Then I guess this is good-bye.
No, Greg What's that? I thought I heard my brother, but I don't have a brother anymore.
Greg, you can't be my best man because we're not having a wedding, we're we're eloping.
What? No, Matthew, you can't tell people you're eloping, it defeats the whole purpose.
I know.
I've been trying to keep it a secret.
And now I'm gonna need you to help me keep it a secret, (chuckles softly) - I got it.
- Uh-huh? You're gonna need a man to keep this secret.
Okay, Greg.
There is no best man.
- We're on the same page.
- Okay.
- It's why we're brothers.
Come here.
- All right.
Okay.
So Oh, no.
No, no.
- Mwah.
- Oh Shh.
- MATT: Hey! - Hey! Sorry we're late.
She had to Oh You told them, didn't you? Dude, they guessed.
Well, because he told them.
You guys are eloping? HEATHER: You know how much stake this family puts into ceremonial events, Matt.
JOAN: No, it's okay! We'll have a big party before you elope.
We'll rent out the club, and we'll invite all our friends, we'll have a big band and cake Isn't that a wedding? You don't have to be there.
- Oh.
- JOHN: Damn it, Matt.
You're having a wedding.
GREG: So if you're going to have a wedding, you should we tell the people who you've chosen for best man? Oh, my God.
(exhales) Tittianna, thanks so much for fitting me in today.
Mm.
We're lucky you could fit through doorway.
We have saying in Russia.
Never let a flower grow.
Oh.
Russia sounds so beautiful.
It's a dark, putrid place.
I miss it.
D'oh! Okay, on your fours.
Ooh.
(sighs) Put a collar on me, it's like I'm back in college again.
- (yelling) - Ah, it reminds me.
I have special this month, okay? You refer a friend, you get half off next appointment.
Oh, okay.
What if I want everything off? Half off regular wallet, not woman wallet.
Oh.
- Hi-yee! - Hi-yee! Sorry I'm late.
My waxing ran a little long.
- (groans softly) - Oh.
Oh, man, I remember those days.
Yeah, but, you know, after you have a baby, it's better to kind of keep something down there.
Oh.
Some parties are just better under a tent.
Well, my lady is amazing.
I let her do my whole body attic, basement and panic room.
(whispers): Panic room.
You know, you should go to her and say that Colleen referred you.
- Oh.
Yeah, I don't know.
- No, come on! You'll be like a brand-new lady.
Getting into bed will be like a penguin sliding down a glacier.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah, all right.
- What the heck? I'll give it a try.
- Yay! Remember, say Colleen sent you.
I can see you've had many children.
Uh, no, no.
Just-just one.
Mm.
Then he must have very large, square body.
No, she's pretty baby-shaped.
Uh, you misunderstand.
A square baby is highest Russian compliment.
- Harder for them to roll away in snow.
- Oh.
I thought a Russian baby was born, and then another one came out of that one, and then another one came out of that one, and another one came out of that one.
(yelling) My father died in Russian doll factory.
(whispering): I'm sorry for your loss.
Hi! Just seeing how it went with Tittianna.
Uh, not great.
You know, I'm not really into that brand of Kremlin sass.
(laughs) I know, she's such a card.
Did you tell her I referred you? Oh, no, I forgot.
Hey, do you think Lark looks square? She did good work, right? Uh, well, if her work is being an insult comic and roasting my vagina, then, yeah, she did great work.
So maybe you can just call her and say that I referred you.
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm done with her.
But if you don't tell her I sent you, I don't get half off next time.
Oh, okay.
So so you're saying you sent me to that monster so that you could just, like, save a dime? Well, it's a lot of money.
My hair grows twice as fast as a normal person.
I grow bangs in a week.
Okay, fine.
I'll-I'll call her when I'm done feeding my square baby.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Jen, you look so pretty today.
- Well-rested, hydrated.
- All right.
Easy, tiger.
I called your lady, okay? You're gonna get the discount.
- Are you happy? - Yes! So happy.
Thank you.
And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the referral up front, but I was worried that you wouldn't go.
Yeah, your instincts were right.
Hey, Jen, that lady is a monster.
But now I can totally eat crumbly foods with confidence.
- Wait.
You went to Tittianna? - Oh, my gosh, you know her? That is one strong white Russian.
- She is my waxer.
- Huh.
You ladies talking about getting waxed? This is so exciting! Now I get two referrals! Oh, no.
Actually, I told her Jen referred me, 'cause, you know, Jen referred me.
Oh, my God, you guys got waxed at the same time? - I thought you didn't like her.
- Well, I didn't, but then, when I called her, she told me I got a free service if I gave a referral, then, yeah, I started to like her a little more.
What?! But Heather wouldn't even know about Tittianna - if I hadn't told you.
- TIM: Hey.
Is it candle wax? Does it come right off a candle? Neither of you would know about the salon if I hadn't sent you, so I get all the referrals.
What's the lighting like? Normal, or, like, red light, - or? - I'm client zero.
Okay.
Can we move on? I'm just afraid if we keep talking about this, I'm gonna start answering Tim's questions.
Hey, tops on or off? What's-what's the story there? I mean So, I heard you met my friend Jen.
Thank you for referral.
Actually, I think it was two referrals.
See, Jen told our mutual friend, Heather, about you, and then Heather came in and said that Jen referred her, but since I referred Jen, I technically referred Heather, too, so, I should actually get both discounts.
Is this Who-Is-On-First routine? No, my referral of Jen extends to Heather.
It's like if I went fishing, and I reeled in a fish, and I gave it to Jen to hold, and then she gave it - to Heather - Okay, this matter is becoming very irritating to me.
- (glove snaps) - On your fours! No, it's okay.
I'm-I'm fine.
I'm just I'm kidding.
(laughs) - Do it! - (clears throat) She could be the first female astronaut.
Honey, there already are female astronauts.
I'm talking about real life, not the movies.
Knock, knock! I'm here to baby-sit.
- (gasps) - Oh.
Hi, Mom-Mom.
Did you bring the brownie mix? Oh, I forgot, and I was so excited I remembered the aspirin you wanted.
Oh, thank you.
I'm getting my facial today.
Yeah, you got your dad's whiskers, and Greg has my smooth legs.
Would you run across the street and get that brownie mix? Sure.
Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey! You can't go across the street by yourself.
What?! I let you walk to school alone when you were her age.
Yeah, and I broke my arm.
Once.
Every other time, you were fine.
Mom, parenting has changed.
It's a whole different world now.
There-there are cyber bullies, there are underground terrorist cells.
What does that have to do with crossing the street? Listen, you can be radicalized in less than five minutes.
No one who goes to bed at 8:30 gets radicalized.
JOHN: Is that a spot? No.
- Oh, is that a spot? - It's not a spot, John.
- Stupid little car.
- Yeah.
- Being little is stupid.
- Mm.
You know, honey, don't tell your mom I said this, but you are definitely old enough - to cross the street.
- Preach.
You think I could fit into that one with the carts? I have an idea.
Why don't we let Sophia run into the store, pick up what we need, and we'll circle around? Then the parking lot wins, Joanie.
And I'm not allowed.
Today you are.
Really? Yes.
Just run in there and pick up what's on the list, and we'll be right here when you get out.
- Okay.
- Take my phone.
And text Mom-Mom if you have any trouble.
- Got it.
- And don't look at the pictures.
No.
Uh, just take my phone.
And don't you look at her pictures.
(whispers): Stop.
WOMAN (over P.
A.
): Manager to the front, register three.
On your left.
I mean right.
- (tires squeak) - You look like a guy who would know where to find stool softener.
Aisle five.
Get the generic.
It's the same stuff, a dollar less.
That's how they get you.
Who's they? Ah, you'll see.
Cool.
Thanks, mister.
Turkey meatball? Sure.
So, when did you decide to get into the sample game? Right after I got into the teen pregnancy game.
WOMAN: Sophia Hughes? Hold on.
Let me call you right back.
Who wants to know? It's Mrs.
Mandrell, Michaelangelo's mother.
You bit him once when you two were in kindergarten? You'll have to be more specific.
Sweetie, where's your mom? Are you shopping here alone? Yeah, but don't tell her.
She's getting all the hair ripped off her lip and is cranky enough.
No.
I'm calling her, though I get no joy in looking like the better mother.
Are you sure? JOAN: She's been in there a long time.
Maybe she's stuck in the freezer.
Maybe she's getting her eyes checked.
That's Costco.
Well, maybe she's trying on pants.
Still Costco.
Are we not at Costco? - (woman running) - Oh! - Dear! - Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! How did she find a spot so quick? Sophia, you know you are not supposed to run away - from whoever is watching you! - I didn't! Mom-Mom sent me into the store alone.
Hi! We're here.
Just in case there's a lawsuit - (camera shutter sound effects) - What-what (stammering) Okay, come on.
I-I am so mad.
I feel like I could just No, no, no, honey.
Don't overactivate your testosterone.
That's how you got the mustache in the first place.
Whether or not you feel like Sophia is ready to do things on her own doesn't really matter, okay? It's not the same world that it was when I was a kid.
A lot more robots now.
Oh, don't, John.
(groans) Aren't we gonna take Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop's groceries to them? No.
Because I'm still too mad at them.
Okay.
But I need to put one thing in the freezer before it melts.
Hey, did you find all of these things by yourself? Mm-hmm.
I got a good deal on stool softener.
It's generic, so it's a dollar less.
They didn't get me.
Huh.
Okay, you know what, why don't you take all of these things over to Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop's? Aren't you gonna come with me? No.
I think you got this.
Really? Yeah.
Thanks! My body may be renting out cars, but my soul will be here watching you play a video game - that I do not understand.
- God, I love you.
TYLER: I feel bad.
You'll be slaving away in corporate hell while I'm kicking back in the lap of luxury.
No, no, no.
We agreed.
Okay? I will make the money while you make the music.
Until the music makes the money.
And then we'll have a tiny mansion.
Or just a regular small house.
God, what am I saying? I don't want success to change us.
(sighs) So, this is good-bye? This may be the longest we've been apart since that orthodox wedding, but our love will get us through.
There's a lot of reasons people rent cars, but I find the number one reason is they need a car temporarily.
We're like a library.
But instead of renting books, we rent cars.
(chuckles) Are you writing this down? No need.
It's all up here.
(laughs) Newbie's got the goods! (phone rings) Sorry, it's my husband.
You're married? Just rent the cars.
Or whatever.
I don't care.
Just Hey, babe.
Could you tell that I was smiling with my voice? 'Cause they are very big on that here.
Yeah.
Uh, will you tell me what you think of this? - (tuning guitar) - That sounds good.
I was just tuning up.
No, I was just talking to my manager.
He's gonna teach me how to walk around a car and look for scratches.
She's married.
Eh, forget it.
Just check for scratches.
Or don't.
Whatever.
Hey, babe, I got to go.
My bosses are mad at me.
Or maybe they're not.
I don't know.
Um, Clementine Clem - (clattering) - (groaning) Is Clementine under you? No.
She left me.
Lasted longer than I thought.
What's that? My playhouse got some of your mail.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, do you want to hear my new song? You seem like you're in a bad place, so I'm gonna say yes.
- My heart is - Let me stop you right there.
I think I left the stove on in the playhouse.
Okay.
Should I wait for you? - (door opens, shuts) - CLEMENTINE: Oh my God.
Vent.
I am here to listen.
It was amazing! - (chuckles) - What? Really? Yes.
I got someone to take the insurance, and now I'm employee of the month.
Wow.
Full day.
Yeah.
Hey, how did writing go? Oh, uh, I could use your help, actually.
You want to vibe on some stuff? Oh, you know, I-I would, but I just I gave so much at work today.
I used all of my creativity answering the phones.
I think Clementine and I are getting divorced.
Well, that lasted longer than I thought.
Work is her whole life now.
And I used to be her whole life.
I mean, you're a stay-at-home husband whose wife also has a high-powered job.
How do you deal with it? Well, I I think she checks that from work.
Um (clears throat) you're right, okay? It's not always easy.
But you got to be supportive.
Okay? Even when you have not a care in the world about who is eating all of the baby carrots out of the office fridge.
You got to be supportive.
You saw me turn that off, right? Yeah.
It's just she's leading a totally separate life now.
For six hours a day.
It's like they're not even trying to adhere to labor laws.
Well, quit looking at her work life like it's a bad thing.
It's not.
It's great.
It's what you want.
It's sexy.
But I'm lonely.
We're not used to being apart.
Okay, look, this is gonna sound weird, but.
.
a couple can grow together by spending time apart.
Or at least that's what Mom-Mom told me before I went off to college.
Look, being alone is rad.
I mean, I have taken more naps in the last three months than Lark.
And Jen has no idea.
JEN: Greg, it's on now.
So, can't wait to talk when I get home.
- You know, if you're awake.
- (quietly): Damn it.
And, Tyler, whatever you do, don't write her a song.
Here are your keys.
It's the white Scion next to the white Scion.
Huh? You fill me up when I'm empty And navigate me on life's Long road, I want to be The body of the car, not the weight you have to tow Babe, I've learned my lesson And now it's time to end Our strife, I'm proud to call you my lovely, sweet Rent-a-car wife.
(song ends) That's the husband? (scoffs) Maybe we have a shot.
(clattering)