Lovejoy (1986) s02e12 Episode Script
The Black Virgin of Vladimir
- This is the chance of a lifetime, Mr.
Tanaka.
- Oh? But I need big bait, I need something unique, something really valuable.
How valuable? This valuable.
Do you know how much that is worth? It is totally priceless.
No one in the art world even knows that it is here in the West.
Oh, Mr.
Tanaka.
When Captain Ahab went looking for Moby Dick, he didn't use frozen peas.
Is you in or is you ain't? I think I'm in.
Now I know for a fact that recently Harry Catapodis spent one and a half million dollars in Russia, buying what he calls "trinkets".
If your Rublev icon isn't an expensive trinket, I don't know what is.
That's why I plan to ask for $3 million.
What? $3 million? It is insured for 10 million.
If he doesn't think it's a bargain, he won't bite.
Lovejoy, I think I have changed my mind.
I can see that this operation is going to cost more than we will recover.
Mr.
Tanaka, he's not actually going to buy the icon, only believe he is.
He's gone to a lot of trouble.
At least hear him out.
What do you have there? I have here a document, which I had made at my own expense.
Hey, this is written in Russian.
Oh, no shit, Sherlock? It looks rather ancient.
Smells old, too.
What does it say, Lovejoy? This document was written in 1850.
Right? It tells the story of your icon.
It says that in the 18th century, prior to a visit from Catherine the Great to Vladimir, a town near Moscow, where and Andrei Rublev screen was being dismantled, icons were being taken from the screen and given to various churches.
But some of them were taken by the old believers.
- Old what? - Pious Russian families who keep and guard the icons through the ages and pass them on from generation to generation.
Your icon is one of those owned by the old believers.
Did you make that up? Well, yes and no.
There are still Andrei Rublev icons unaccounted for.
They're worth millions.
Only banks can afford them.
Mr.
Tanaka will tell you.
Where did you get yours? From a certain eastern European country.
It was used as part payment of a large loan.
You see? They're unobtainable.
So we're going to tell Catapodis that this family wants to sell theirs for hard cash.
Catapodis will be very angry with you when he finds out that you cheated him out of $3 million.
Maybe he will even kill you.
Tanaka's right, Lovejoy.
Harry's got some very heavy connections.
Won't be me that's doing the swindling.
I'll leave that to my man.
Is your man trustworthy? No, but when it comes to cons, Mordechai has got one of the best track records there is.
What exactly do you need from me? I need to copy the Rublev icon, I need a war chest of £10,000 and I want a promise from both of you not to be in touch with Harry Catapodis until this thing is all over.
Do you trust him, Mrs.
Lynch? Don't forget, we're the ones who asked him to handle this.
Then I'll give you the money.
You pay him and keep accounts.
Agreed.
On one condition.
The Rublev goes nowhere without Watanabe.
Not even for one single moment.
If anything goes wrong, Lovejoy, you finish up as sushi.
(Prays in Latin) What on earth is he doing? He's praying for a miracle.
Seigneur, rendez-moi mes cheveux.
Je vous en prie.
Pull yourself together, Marcel.
Your hair's too far gone, even for an act of God.
Marcel, this is Mrs.
Lynch.
Enchanté.
- And this is Miki Watanabe.
- Enchanté.
Miki will be with the icon at all times.
It will arrive by armored vehicle every morning and leave by armored vehicle every evening.
Aha.
Just look at it.
Imagine Rublev's state of mind to paint such a thing.
Without mysticism, man can achieve nothing great.
Ah, it glows.
It's vibrant.
How exact do you want this copy? Exact.
- Lovejoy? - Yes? Exactly who is that man? Seems like he rows with only one oar.
Marcel Jaworski, finest, baldest and poorest icon restorer in Europe.
Poorest? You just paid him £1,000 for a week's work.
No, that'll all be gone by next week on hair restorer.
You think he's flaky? You ain't seen nothing yet.
Oh.
Ma Nishma? Ma Nishma? How is the boychik? How are you, Lovejoy? Fine.
This is the Mrs.
Lynch I was telling you about.
Mordechai, an old friend of mine.
- Pleased to meet you, Mordechai.
- The pleasure's mine, the pleasure's mine.
Please, take a seat, take a seat.
Thank you.
Can I get you a glass of tea? How about a G&T? Lovejoy, gin and tonic! Madam? Yes, gin and tonic would be just fine, thank you.
Ah, yes, gin and tonic coming up.
(Jewish accent lapses) Sorry to hear you got blowed by this Greek gonif.
But we'll get it all back for you, Mrs.
Lynch.
Every penny plus interest.
Believe me, I know these things.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Bacon? Well, some do, some don't.
There's only one thing wrong with this scheme of yours, Lovejoy.
What's that? A couple of genuine Russian matelots I can supply - boys with so much utzpah you'd buy the Battleship Potemkin from them for cash.
But Enjoy, enjoy.
But? But the one flaw in your plan, Lovejoy, is this.
Where in God's name are we going to get a Russian ship from? I mean, they're not exactly locks and bangles.
Mordechai, part of the reason I've brought you in on this gig is because of a small but important conversation we had a while ago about your brother-in-law, the docker.
The one who was so connected with Russian ships he fed his cat caviar.
Oh, you mean Moshef.
Yes, well, I'm No, I'm afraid I'm afraid he don't work there no more.
He He got three years for stealing the ship's lifeboat.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Wait a minute.
I think I know someone who can get us a ship.
In fact, I think he owns a shipping company.
How well do you know him? He asked me to marry him a couple of times but I wouldn't dream of it.
And I'm afraid he doesn't serve his cat caviar.
So, did you spot the deliberate mistake? No, can't say I did.
What was it? Mordechai's not Jewish.
He's not Jewish? You've got to be kidding.
He just talks and dresses that way.
Is he a little Crazy? No.
Sane as you or I.
He reckons the public have respect for uniforms.
They think they know who they're dealing with.
Gives him an edge.
That's the spirit, lads.
See? Yes.
Keep at it.
So You still miss Donald, do you? Sure I do.
Sometimes I miss him so much that I feel like I'm the only person left on the earth.
Nights are the hardest.
I'm lonely.
Have you ever been married, Lovejoy? Yeah.
Oh, not anymore.
We were both very young.
We confused "I love you" with "I want to marry you.
" It's our daughter, really, who kept us together.
She's 18 now.
Do you think you would ever do it again? No.
Sugar? Well, Lovejoy, has Marcel Jaworski triumphed again or has he not? Yes, he has triumphed again.
Acrylic? You gave me one week, Lovejoy.
I could have used emulsion and wallpaper paste.
Did you get the other stuff I asked for? Mm-hm.
What do you think, Cass? It's incredible.
I really can't tell the difference.
What about you, Miki? Fooled you too? They look the same to me.
I still need a couple more hours, just to get the right bloom and patina.
So if you want to go out for a meal and come back at three o'clock, I will be delighted to see you.
No, no.
By the time we come back at three o'clock, he'll be halfway to Paris with the real Rublev.
Won't you, Marcel? (Curses in Japanese) You point to the real icon, please.
Yes.
Si.
- There.
- Is he telling the truth? Yes, he's telling the truth.
I don't know.
I know what it looks like but I was just testing, Lovejoy.
I would not pull a stroke like that.
(French accent) "I would not pull a stroke like that.
" You're ruthless, Marcel.
You'd do anything for a full head of hair.
I don't know why you bother.
I'm sure a lot of women find that very seductive.
Really? - Thank you.
Au revoir.
- Au revoir.
Au revoir.
Au revoir.
Afternoon, Lovejoy.
Just a bloody minute, that's my bed you've got there.
Not anymore it isn't.
But we've left your bedding up there.
The couple that bought the refectory table and chairs found me the matching bed, so we sold them the whole set.
Got a good price for it too.
But I can't sleep on the floor.
It's the '90s, not the '60s.
That's a bit before my time.
- Lovejoy - Why? - Can I see you? - Yeah.
Please, take this the way it's intended, but you can't operate out of a barn so why not stay at my place for a few days? There's eight bedrooms.
- No, it's an imposition, Cass.
- No, no.
And listen, people start to spread rumors.
You know, gossip and lies.
Look, after Donald died the locals spread rumors that I was either dating or sleeping with people like Mick Jagger or Donald Trump.
Oh.
Well, maybe just for a couple of days until I can pick something up at an auction.
Oh, Eric? Excuse me, Cass.
- You're a genius.
- Eh? Are you selling those too? Single icons were kept in velvet bags.
Now, we need two of them.
It's important that they feel and smell right.
Would you hold that? So they would have accumulated smells like must, dust, mouse pee, vodka, borscht, tobacco and a host of other things Russian.
OK.
No.
Needs another century and a couple of wars thrown in.
Smell that.
That's incredible.
- It smells like the inside of a - What? Of a very old church.
I can smell candles, incense You know, that sweet and sour smell of something very, very old.
- Good.
- Lovejoy, you're a genius.
- You any good at sewing? - Sure.
There's a machine around someplace.
No, Cass.
I don't think Mr.
Singer was around at the time of Catherine the Great.
You mean I have to sew by hand? I'll help you.
- You think of everything, don't you? - Mm-hm.
You know, Lovejoy, this is almost the most exciting thing I've ever done in my whole life.
I said "almost".
And now, Mr.
Tanaka, it's testing time.
Would you care to ask the real Andrei Rublev to stand up, please? You can ask Miki to help you.
He watched it being painted.
(Speaks Japanese) (Speak Japanese) (Speaks Japanese) We choose this one.
This is the copy.
Good.
Then that's the one that Harry Catapodis is going to pay $3 million for.
You are lying, Lovejoy.
You are about to walk out of here with $10 million worth of icon.
- I know you! - Miki, what the hell are you doing? This is the original, the one you chose.
But I've no intention of going anywhere with either of them.
Tell him to quit that Seven Samurai stuff of I'm off the case.
(Speaks Japanese) I'm deeply sorry.
I apologize.
Oh, I I accept your apology, Miki.
We're going to have a bit of magic now.
Hm? If an icon's been kept in a bag for a couple of hundred years, you'd expect some of the paint to flake off, right? Well, these are authentic paint samples from a 14th century icon.
So when Catapodis wants to test the paint for age, he can have all the samples he wants.
Product launch on a Russian cargo ship.
My dear sweet Cassandra, have you ever been on board one of these things? They're not exactly cruise liners.
You'd never get anybody in his right mind to come.
What are you launching? A green diesel oil? A new aftershave called Perestroika.
We think it will go down well in the West.
(Laughs) Ought to go down well in the East too.
Now I've marked off all the Russian ships we deal with with a schedule to call into UK ports during the next few months.
Now you choose one and I'll arrange for you to go on board.
You are a most kind and generous man, J.
P.
How can I ever repay you? Oh, my dear Cass, by coming with me to Cap d'Antibes next week.
My mother's staying at the villa.
She enjoys your company enormously.
Well, I'm sorry I can't.
I do have a stable to run.
We're in the middle of the season.
Don't you think Cassandra should let me make an honest woman of her, Lovejoy? I thought she already was, J.
P.
(Mordechai) "Ships expected in the British Isles.
" What about that one? The Nikolai Bulganin.
No, that's going to Liverpool.
We want Felixstowe, Harwich or Tilbury.
What about this - the Alexander Katorga, general cargo from Archangel, arrives in Southampton in five days' time? - Does that give us enough time? - Five days is a lifetime in this scam.
And it goes on to Rotterdam after leaving Southampton, so maybe they've got a buyer for the Rublev in Holland, if you know what I mean.
- We go for it, then? - Yeah, let's go for it.
Do you realize that what we're about to do is criminal? I mean, it's not like stealing hub caps or anything.
Lady, if you're going to put your hand into the haimische pickle jar, put it in right up to the elbow.
Oy vey! (Radio) And for Dallas, it's a high-line drive over short, and the bases are loaded.
- That's OK.
- Thanks a lot, chief.
(Phone) - You have yourself a good day.
- Hello? Thank you, Michelle.
Lovejoy, what a surprise.
How are you? Fine, Harry, just fine.
What can I do for you? I've had a very good tip from a friend of mine which I thought might interest you.
There's an Andrei Rublev icon arriving on a Russian ship in five days.
It's for sale.
Get the Getty Foundation, Dan Hughes.
Oh, yeah? Hm.
How much they want? $3 million.
(Laughs) It sounds to me like it's been stolen.
No, apparently not.
They've got papers of provenance for it and everything.
I don't know, Lovejoy.
Icons, they're very hard to place.
The black market is It's a very narrow band.
No, no.
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
I'm not sure.
I'll have to give it some thought.
Have they got anything else? No, only the icon.
I just thought it might interest you.
I think they've got someone lined up for it in Rotterdam anyway.
Well, it's good that you think of old Harry, eh? Ah, have you seen anything of the widow Lynch recently? Not since the charity do.
Why? Do you want me to give her your best? Are you kidding? That ungrateful bitch? She says she's going to sue me for three quarters of a million dollars for a Canaletto.
She claims it's phoney.
Phoney, my ass! Stay away from her, Lovejoy.
She's bad news, believe you me.
Well, thanks for the warning, Harry.
Anyway, I'll give your icon some thought.
I'll ask around.
Thanks for phoning, Lovejoy.
Pleasure, Harry.
Good morning, Dan.
How are you? Harry.
I'm fine.
Look, I just wanted to check your feelings about the possibility of an Andrei Rublev for the foundation.
A Rublev? We'd be very interested.
Let me introduce Terry and Johnny Slingsby.
Two better boys for this Russian shtick you could not have.
Come in, boys.
Come on, come on in.
- All right? - Yeah.
They look about as Russian as Stevie Wonder.
I understand your mother was in the circus.
- Yeah.
- That's right.
She used to be the anchor woman in the Ukrainian human pyramid.
She taught us Russian soon as we could open our mouths.
She reckoned if ever the Red Army come bowling down Commercial Road, we'd at least be able to understand the geezers when they said, "Hands up!" Go on, then, say something in Russian.
(Both speak made-up Russian) (Mordechai) Go on, then, sing something.
Kalenka, kalenka, kalenka Stop.
Where the hell did you get this? It's the ugliest bloody thing I've ever seen in my life.
It's embarrassing, isn't it, Cass? It's '50s kitsch, Lovejoy.
It's all the rage.
We got the whole lot from a house clearance.
- Why oh why do you do this to me, Eric? - (Phone) You wouldn't like to have to eat off the floor again, would you, Lovejoy? Would you answer that for me, Eric? - Where's the list? - Under the phone.
- Lovejoy Associates.
Can I help you? - Lovejoy.
And who's calling? Harry Catapodis.
OK, Mr.
Catapodis, if you'll just hold on, I'll go and see if he's in the workshop.
Harry, good to hear you.
Hold on a second.
(Whispers) Goodbye, Eric.
Where are you calling from, Harry? White's Hotel, London, England.
I just got here.
Uh, thank you.
I had some urgent business in Bond Street, so I thought I'd check in with you.
Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Harry.
Any news of the icon? Did your Ruskis ever show up? Apparently the ship has docked but I didn't go through with it because you didn't call me back.
I mean, that kind of thing's out of my league.
Maybe I could meet this friend of yours.
What do you think? There's no harm in checking it out if it's still here, is there? I suppose not.
I could call him.
It's just that Mordechai has got this thing about paying telephone bills.
I could send him a telegram, though.
Look, Lovejoy, I only plan to be here for a few days.
Why don't you just get yourself a cab and bill it to me? OK? He's on the hook.
Tanaka, it's Lovejoy.
Catapodis is in town and he wants to see the Rublev.
We have lift-off.
Lovejoy, so nice of you to come.
Harry Catapodis, Mordechai Frobel.
Mordechai.
Please, gentlemen, come in.
Make yourselves at home.
Come and sit down.
Make yourselves at home.
Can I get you gentlemen anything to drink? Gin, whiskey? - Oh, no, no.
I never touch it, thank you.
- Good.
Down to business.
It's good to make your acquaintance, Mordechai.
You bring the papers? Oh, yes.
What do you think of this? Oh, it looks like a Rublev but I'd want to see it myself first.
Any idea what this thing says? Oh, yes, it's the the Rublev icon family tree.
Where it's been, who owned it, which father passed it onto which son.
It goes from 1750 to 1950.
- May I borrow this? - Oh, no, no, no, no.
Please, keep the - The Polaroid.
- Yes.
I even signed it for you on the back.
OK, how much they want for this thing? Well, only $3 million.
- Cash.
- Three million? You must be crazy.
Who is this guy, Lovejoy, eh? $3 million is pitsel.
Don't you know the Andrei Rublev icon is off the scale? There's not one in the West.
I know that, Mordechai, but three million? I ask you.
I'm wasting my time here.
You said he was a mensch.
I thought he was a major player.
What is he? Some sort of Greek goy who still thinks in drachma? Look, Mordechai, let's get one thing straight.
First I want to see the goods.
I want to translate the papers.
And not until I am 150% satisfied that this thing is kosher will I even think of the money.
Versteh? Well, you think about it, Catapodis, but don't waste your time scratching your tuchus.
I'm leaving.
If he makes up his mind, call me.
Oy prac.
Oy kolera.
Well, what do you make of that? Well The whole thing sounds fishy to me.
The Rublev's got to be worth three times that.
No, it's obvious that they want our currency.
I've dealt with the Russians before, don't forget.
They don't give a damn about their heritage.
They'd sell you the Kremlin if you were dumb enough to haul it away.
OK, where do we get this stuff translated? Well, under T, for translators.
Let's have a look.
What have we got? Translators, here we go.
We've got Arabic Oh, we've got Greek even.
Russian.
Here we go.
Popov.
Popov.
This is old Russian with a bit of Armenian thrown in for good measure, you understand? But what does it say? It tells that an icon was painted by Rublev Andrei.
It was taken from a What's this word? Oh yes, a screen in the cathedral of Vladimir.
- A very famous place.
- Very famous, yes.
And has been guarded by a family of old believers since the 18th century.
Everyone, fathers and sons, who have guarded the icon up until the 1950s have put their names on the list.
- You want me to read them out to you? - No, that's OK, Mr.
Popov.
Don't bother.
This script is ancient.
It's hard to read.
This is a very important icon, if you ask me.
Does that document look genuine to you? Sure, for a photocopy it looks very genuine to me.
It's so old, I could have written it myself.
Is that a fact? I got the feeling we should take a look.
If you want my opinion, it's a waste of time, but take a look by all means.
- Can you fix it? - Of course I can fix it.
- First of all we have to fix some ground rules.
- And they are? if the deal goes through.
- Are you? - 10%, Harry.
This is Mrs.
Lynch.
Captain Valentin.
- Hello.
- Hello, captain.
I've explained everything to the captain, my dear.
He's going to do everything he can to help you.
I hope it all works out.
This is all very kind of you, J.
P.
How can I ever thank you? No comment.
Captain Valentin, I'd like you to meet my associate, Mr.
Frobel.
Hello.
This is one hell of a way to come to see some icon, Lovejoy.
Where did you say this place was? Southampton.
Frankly, Harry, I wouldn't have bothered.
My attitude is, what you never have, you never miss.
That's the difference between you and me, Lovejoy.
I'd never sleep nights if I thought I was close to something and I didn't know whether it was gold or dog do.
You will soon.
Before we reveal the icon, I just want to say that these two boys here have brought it to the West at great personal risk to themselves.
And if word gets out, the K.
G.
B.
Would open a gulag especially for them.
Versteh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got that.
Now where is it? What Mordechai say is pravda, truth.
Understand? This most beautiful thing you see, huh? My God.
It is incredible, I agree.
What do you think, Lovejoy? Oh, yes, it is incredible.
But it could have been made in Vladivostok yesterday.
What kind of talk is that? If you're not interested, these are good people.
Do not waste their time.
Who's wasting their time? Just calm down.
Excuse us one moment.
Lovejoy.
Well, Lovejoy, what do you think? Looks like a Rublev, smells like a Rublev.
Hm, and there's the papers of provenance.
I mean, they look genuine enough.
I mean, these guys, they're too dumb to think that one up.
Oh, don't be too sure.
It's the first thing I'd do.
Do you think that we could have a microscopy test done of the paint before tomorrow? Sure, if they give us a sample.
Look, fellas, just to confirm that we're not buying the washroom door, we want to have the paint tested.
(Speaks mock Russian) Er (Replies in mock Russian) - Niet.
- Niet.
(Speaks mock Russian) What's he say? They don't want you to touch the paint.
If you do, they'll break your bleedin' arm.
You're talking $3 million one minute and he wants to put me in plaster the next? You're crazy! I can't do business like this.
You should be locked up, the lot of you! What are you talking about? We're talking $3 million! You're going to break my arm! You should grow up, you know that? You're crazy! - Ah! - Just a moment, just a moment! Paint samples.
Flakes from the paint.
So We have sample and nothing is broken.
(Speaks mock Russian) OK.
You test paint.
Then we leave in 24 hours.
We go to Rotterdam.
Can't be fairer than that, can we? Don't pass it up, Catapodis.
You won't get another chance this century.
That I know for nothing.
- How come you're not interested? - Who, me? (Laughs) Saints, virgins - hardly my kind of theology, is it? OK, for the moment we stop business.
We come back later.
Lovejoy.
Dosvedanya.
- All right, all right.
- All right! (Speaks Japanese) All right.
Come on, come on.
What does it show? As far as I can tell there are no substances in the paint to indicate the icon is a contemporary copy.
What you're saying is that the paint comes from the 14th century? I can't say that.
As yet no test can.
What I can say with absolute certainty is that the pigments you've given me are consistent with that era, which in this case just happens to be the 14th century.
So it's old? That's about what we know.
It's old.
Excuse me.
Lovejoy.
Lovejoy, what is this? You got some deal with the Dutch in Rotterdam? Whatever happens, it's your decision.
I just don't want to find myself in the position of having to say, "I told you so.
" You won't.
Call Mordechai and ask him if Tom and Jerry will take banker's drafts.
Thank you, Ted.
I just want to confirm that the Alexander Katorga is leaving Southampton today for Rotterdam.
It is? Thank you very much.
Well, there it is, boys.
That's my apartment you're looking at there.
Very spacious.
Have you got the banker's drafts? I want you to think about this very carefully.
I already have.
Let's go.
You two, bring it.
They're coming.
Ah, it's good to see you again.
Catapodis.
Nice to see you.
It's good to see the gang's all here, eh? Can I offer anybody a nice cup of Russian tea? That's very kind but I don't think so.
I wouldn't mind a cup of tea.
- I wouldn't mind a cup of vod tea.
- Tea.
I suppose we have to keep the workers happy.
Very kind of you.
(Speaks mock Russian) Mordechai Mordechai, what's he just said? Er, he wants to know what you've got.
Boys.
Now there are two cases like that full of gold.
See, another one up there.
OK.
And here I have these banker's drafts from International Bank, New York.
OK? Banker's drafts.
International Bank.
Satisfied? - Da.
- Da, OK.
May I see the icon? Ah.
What are you doing? Last time I handled this, I made a little cross on the back with my thumbnail.
I can't seem to see it.
You know something, I'm beginning to Try this.
Thank you.
Ah, here it is.
I've got it here.
Yes.
Have you got the papers? OK.
Thank you.
Second opinion.
Hm-hm.
They look kosher to me.
(Russian over tannoy) What's he saying? We leave in ten minutes.
In ten minutes? Just one moment, excuse me.
Lovejoy.
Well, I've come this far.
Are you still skeptical? What do you think? You've come this far, you might as well go for the whole 10 yards but just one thing, Harry.
The ship leaves in ten minutes, the cash is on the table.
One and a half million.
More money than they've ever seen in their lives.
I offer them a million and a half? They're crazy but they're not that crazy.
Well, try it.
What have you got to lose? OK, I've decided to buy the icon but not for $3 million, for one and a half.
All the cash and the gold, but not the banker's drafts.
(Speaks mock Russian) (Both) Niet.
(Speaks mock Russian) Three million.
Three million.
Deal is off.
Oh, sugar! See what happens when I listen to you? (Harry) Come back here, boys.
For God's sake, come back.
(Speaks mock Russian) - Three million.
- What's he say? He says you have two minutes and it's still $3 million.
It's a good deal that, Catapodis.
Tell him, Lovejoy.
What am I supposed to say? (Russian over tannoy) Two minutes.
(Ship's horn) OK, I agree.
Here.
Here are the banker's drafts.
OK? Da.
(Speaks mock Russian) Good.
OK, fellas, let's get out of here.
Have a nice day, Harry.
Hey, Lovejoy, why don't you call Rotterdam and tell them it's not coming? I never had a deal with the Dutch, Harry.
That's your story and you're sticking to it.
Nice working with you, boys.
Bye, Lovejoy.
It's nice working with you, Harry.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(All) Yeah! Cass.
- Get off.
- Hey! Hey, come up quickly.
(Exclaims in Japanese) (Lovejoy) He's trying to get away with the gold.
- (Speaks Japanese) - No, plan B.
- What's going on? - Plan B.
- Hey! - The walkie-talkie.
(Chuckles) (Eric) Lovejoy, he's heading out towards the main channel.
- I've lost him.
- We've lost him.
We've got to go up higher.
- He's holding the same course.
- He's holding the same course.
- He's turning toward the big bridge.
- He's turning toward the big bridge.
(Tinker) He's heading towards the shore by the south end of the bridge.
(Eric) He's going to land by the south end of the bridge.
He's landed.
He's getting out of the boat.
(Eric) He's landed.
Now don't do anything foolish, Lovejoy.
Oi.
If anyone asks, you thought we were from Greenpeace.
Nice one.
Happy days are here again Mordechai! All right, all right.
You really had us worried there for a minute.
Fancy a drink? Why not?
Tanaka.
- Oh? But I need big bait, I need something unique, something really valuable.
How valuable? This valuable.
Do you know how much that is worth? It is totally priceless.
No one in the art world even knows that it is here in the West.
Oh, Mr.
Tanaka.
When Captain Ahab went looking for Moby Dick, he didn't use frozen peas.
Is you in or is you ain't? I think I'm in.
Now I know for a fact that recently Harry Catapodis spent one and a half million dollars in Russia, buying what he calls "trinkets".
If your Rublev icon isn't an expensive trinket, I don't know what is.
That's why I plan to ask for $3 million.
What? $3 million? It is insured for 10 million.
If he doesn't think it's a bargain, he won't bite.
Lovejoy, I think I have changed my mind.
I can see that this operation is going to cost more than we will recover.
Mr.
Tanaka, he's not actually going to buy the icon, only believe he is.
He's gone to a lot of trouble.
At least hear him out.
What do you have there? I have here a document, which I had made at my own expense.
Hey, this is written in Russian.
Oh, no shit, Sherlock? It looks rather ancient.
Smells old, too.
What does it say, Lovejoy? This document was written in 1850.
Right? It tells the story of your icon.
It says that in the 18th century, prior to a visit from Catherine the Great to Vladimir, a town near Moscow, where and Andrei Rublev screen was being dismantled, icons were being taken from the screen and given to various churches.
But some of them were taken by the old believers.
- Old what? - Pious Russian families who keep and guard the icons through the ages and pass them on from generation to generation.
Your icon is one of those owned by the old believers.
Did you make that up? Well, yes and no.
There are still Andrei Rublev icons unaccounted for.
They're worth millions.
Only banks can afford them.
Mr.
Tanaka will tell you.
Where did you get yours? From a certain eastern European country.
It was used as part payment of a large loan.
You see? They're unobtainable.
So we're going to tell Catapodis that this family wants to sell theirs for hard cash.
Catapodis will be very angry with you when he finds out that you cheated him out of $3 million.
Maybe he will even kill you.
Tanaka's right, Lovejoy.
Harry's got some very heavy connections.
Won't be me that's doing the swindling.
I'll leave that to my man.
Is your man trustworthy? No, but when it comes to cons, Mordechai has got one of the best track records there is.
What exactly do you need from me? I need to copy the Rublev icon, I need a war chest of £10,000 and I want a promise from both of you not to be in touch with Harry Catapodis until this thing is all over.
Do you trust him, Mrs.
Lynch? Don't forget, we're the ones who asked him to handle this.
Then I'll give you the money.
You pay him and keep accounts.
Agreed.
On one condition.
The Rublev goes nowhere without Watanabe.
Not even for one single moment.
If anything goes wrong, Lovejoy, you finish up as sushi.
(Prays in Latin) What on earth is he doing? He's praying for a miracle.
Seigneur, rendez-moi mes cheveux.
Je vous en prie.
Pull yourself together, Marcel.
Your hair's too far gone, even for an act of God.
Marcel, this is Mrs.
Lynch.
Enchanté.
- And this is Miki Watanabe.
- Enchanté.
Miki will be with the icon at all times.
It will arrive by armored vehicle every morning and leave by armored vehicle every evening.
Aha.
Just look at it.
Imagine Rublev's state of mind to paint such a thing.
Without mysticism, man can achieve nothing great.
Ah, it glows.
It's vibrant.
How exact do you want this copy? Exact.
- Lovejoy? - Yes? Exactly who is that man? Seems like he rows with only one oar.
Marcel Jaworski, finest, baldest and poorest icon restorer in Europe.
Poorest? You just paid him £1,000 for a week's work.
No, that'll all be gone by next week on hair restorer.
You think he's flaky? You ain't seen nothing yet.
Oh.
Ma Nishma? Ma Nishma? How is the boychik? How are you, Lovejoy? Fine.
This is the Mrs.
Lynch I was telling you about.
Mordechai, an old friend of mine.
- Pleased to meet you, Mordechai.
- The pleasure's mine, the pleasure's mine.
Please, take a seat, take a seat.
Thank you.
Can I get you a glass of tea? How about a G&T? Lovejoy, gin and tonic! Madam? Yes, gin and tonic would be just fine, thank you.
Ah, yes, gin and tonic coming up.
(Jewish accent lapses) Sorry to hear you got blowed by this Greek gonif.
But we'll get it all back for you, Mrs.
Lynch.
Every penny plus interest.
Believe me, I know these things.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Bacon? Well, some do, some don't.
There's only one thing wrong with this scheme of yours, Lovejoy.
What's that? A couple of genuine Russian matelots I can supply - boys with so much utzpah you'd buy the Battleship Potemkin from them for cash.
But Enjoy, enjoy.
But? But the one flaw in your plan, Lovejoy, is this.
Where in God's name are we going to get a Russian ship from? I mean, they're not exactly locks and bangles.
Mordechai, part of the reason I've brought you in on this gig is because of a small but important conversation we had a while ago about your brother-in-law, the docker.
The one who was so connected with Russian ships he fed his cat caviar.
Oh, you mean Moshef.
Yes, well, I'm No, I'm afraid I'm afraid he don't work there no more.
He He got three years for stealing the ship's lifeboat.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Wait a minute.
I think I know someone who can get us a ship.
In fact, I think he owns a shipping company.
How well do you know him? He asked me to marry him a couple of times but I wouldn't dream of it.
And I'm afraid he doesn't serve his cat caviar.
So, did you spot the deliberate mistake? No, can't say I did.
What was it? Mordechai's not Jewish.
He's not Jewish? You've got to be kidding.
He just talks and dresses that way.
Is he a little Crazy? No.
Sane as you or I.
He reckons the public have respect for uniforms.
They think they know who they're dealing with.
Gives him an edge.
That's the spirit, lads.
See? Yes.
Keep at it.
So You still miss Donald, do you? Sure I do.
Sometimes I miss him so much that I feel like I'm the only person left on the earth.
Nights are the hardest.
I'm lonely.
Have you ever been married, Lovejoy? Yeah.
Oh, not anymore.
We were both very young.
We confused "I love you" with "I want to marry you.
" It's our daughter, really, who kept us together.
She's 18 now.
Do you think you would ever do it again? No.
Sugar? Well, Lovejoy, has Marcel Jaworski triumphed again or has he not? Yes, he has triumphed again.
Acrylic? You gave me one week, Lovejoy.
I could have used emulsion and wallpaper paste.
Did you get the other stuff I asked for? Mm-hm.
What do you think, Cass? It's incredible.
I really can't tell the difference.
What about you, Miki? Fooled you too? They look the same to me.
I still need a couple more hours, just to get the right bloom and patina.
So if you want to go out for a meal and come back at three o'clock, I will be delighted to see you.
No, no.
By the time we come back at three o'clock, he'll be halfway to Paris with the real Rublev.
Won't you, Marcel? (Curses in Japanese) You point to the real icon, please.
Yes.
Si.
- There.
- Is he telling the truth? Yes, he's telling the truth.
I don't know.
I know what it looks like but I was just testing, Lovejoy.
I would not pull a stroke like that.
(French accent) "I would not pull a stroke like that.
" You're ruthless, Marcel.
You'd do anything for a full head of hair.
I don't know why you bother.
I'm sure a lot of women find that very seductive.
Really? - Thank you.
Au revoir.
- Au revoir.
Au revoir.
Au revoir.
Afternoon, Lovejoy.
Just a bloody minute, that's my bed you've got there.
Not anymore it isn't.
But we've left your bedding up there.
The couple that bought the refectory table and chairs found me the matching bed, so we sold them the whole set.
Got a good price for it too.
But I can't sleep on the floor.
It's the '90s, not the '60s.
That's a bit before my time.
- Lovejoy - Why? - Can I see you? - Yeah.
Please, take this the way it's intended, but you can't operate out of a barn so why not stay at my place for a few days? There's eight bedrooms.
- No, it's an imposition, Cass.
- No, no.
And listen, people start to spread rumors.
You know, gossip and lies.
Look, after Donald died the locals spread rumors that I was either dating or sleeping with people like Mick Jagger or Donald Trump.
Oh.
Well, maybe just for a couple of days until I can pick something up at an auction.
Oh, Eric? Excuse me, Cass.
- You're a genius.
- Eh? Are you selling those too? Single icons were kept in velvet bags.
Now, we need two of them.
It's important that they feel and smell right.
Would you hold that? So they would have accumulated smells like must, dust, mouse pee, vodka, borscht, tobacco and a host of other things Russian.
OK.
No.
Needs another century and a couple of wars thrown in.
Smell that.
That's incredible.
- It smells like the inside of a - What? Of a very old church.
I can smell candles, incense You know, that sweet and sour smell of something very, very old.
- Good.
- Lovejoy, you're a genius.
- You any good at sewing? - Sure.
There's a machine around someplace.
No, Cass.
I don't think Mr.
Singer was around at the time of Catherine the Great.
You mean I have to sew by hand? I'll help you.
- You think of everything, don't you? - Mm-hm.
You know, Lovejoy, this is almost the most exciting thing I've ever done in my whole life.
I said "almost".
And now, Mr.
Tanaka, it's testing time.
Would you care to ask the real Andrei Rublev to stand up, please? You can ask Miki to help you.
He watched it being painted.
(Speaks Japanese) (Speak Japanese) (Speaks Japanese) We choose this one.
This is the copy.
Good.
Then that's the one that Harry Catapodis is going to pay $3 million for.
You are lying, Lovejoy.
You are about to walk out of here with $10 million worth of icon.
- I know you! - Miki, what the hell are you doing? This is the original, the one you chose.
But I've no intention of going anywhere with either of them.
Tell him to quit that Seven Samurai stuff of I'm off the case.
(Speaks Japanese) I'm deeply sorry.
I apologize.
Oh, I I accept your apology, Miki.
We're going to have a bit of magic now.
Hm? If an icon's been kept in a bag for a couple of hundred years, you'd expect some of the paint to flake off, right? Well, these are authentic paint samples from a 14th century icon.
So when Catapodis wants to test the paint for age, he can have all the samples he wants.
Product launch on a Russian cargo ship.
My dear sweet Cassandra, have you ever been on board one of these things? They're not exactly cruise liners.
You'd never get anybody in his right mind to come.
What are you launching? A green diesel oil? A new aftershave called Perestroika.
We think it will go down well in the West.
(Laughs) Ought to go down well in the East too.
Now I've marked off all the Russian ships we deal with with a schedule to call into UK ports during the next few months.
Now you choose one and I'll arrange for you to go on board.
You are a most kind and generous man, J.
P.
How can I ever repay you? Oh, my dear Cass, by coming with me to Cap d'Antibes next week.
My mother's staying at the villa.
She enjoys your company enormously.
Well, I'm sorry I can't.
I do have a stable to run.
We're in the middle of the season.
Don't you think Cassandra should let me make an honest woman of her, Lovejoy? I thought she already was, J.
P.
(Mordechai) "Ships expected in the British Isles.
" What about that one? The Nikolai Bulganin.
No, that's going to Liverpool.
We want Felixstowe, Harwich or Tilbury.
What about this - the Alexander Katorga, general cargo from Archangel, arrives in Southampton in five days' time? - Does that give us enough time? - Five days is a lifetime in this scam.
And it goes on to Rotterdam after leaving Southampton, so maybe they've got a buyer for the Rublev in Holland, if you know what I mean.
- We go for it, then? - Yeah, let's go for it.
Do you realize that what we're about to do is criminal? I mean, it's not like stealing hub caps or anything.
Lady, if you're going to put your hand into the haimische pickle jar, put it in right up to the elbow.
Oy vey! (Radio) And for Dallas, it's a high-line drive over short, and the bases are loaded.
- That's OK.
- Thanks a lot, chief.
(Phone) - You have yourself a good day.
- Hello? Thank you, Michelle.
Lovejoy, what a surprise.
How are you? Fine, Harry, just fine.
What can I do for you? I've had a very good tip from a friend of mine which I thought might interest you.
There's an Andrei Rublev icon arriving on a Russian ship in five days.
It's for sale.
Get the Getty Foundation, Dan Hughes.
Oh, yeah? Hm.
How much they want? $3 million.
(Laughs) It sounds to me like it's been stolen.
No, apparently not.
They've got papers of provenance for it and everything.
I don't know, Lovejoy.
Icons, they're very hard to place.
The black market is It's a very narrow band.
No, no.
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi.
I'm not sure.
I'll have to give it some thought.
Have they got anything else? No, only the icon.
I just thought it might interest you.
I think they've got someone lined up for it in Rotterdam anyway.
Well, it's good that you think of old Harry, eh? Ah, have you seen anything of the widow Lynch recently? Not since the charity do.
Why? Do you want me to give her your best? Are you kidding? That ungrateful bitch? She says she's going to sue me for three quarters of a million dollars for a Canaletto.
She claims it's phoney.
Phoney, my ass! Stay away from her, Lovejoy.
She's bad news, believe you me.
Well, thanks for the warning, Harry.
Anyway, I'll give your icon some thought.
I'll ask around.
Thanks for phoning, Lovejoy.
Pleasure, Harry.
Good morning, Dan.
How are you? Harry.
I'm fine.
Look, I just wanted to check your feelings about the possibility of an Andrei Rublev for the foundation.
A Rublev? We'd be very interested.
Let me introduce Terry and Johnny Slingsby.
Two better boys for this Russian shtick you could not have.
Come in, boys.
Come on, come on in.
- All right? - Yeah.
They look about as Russian as Stevie Wonder.
I understand your mother was in the circus.
- Yeah.
- That's right.
She used to be the anchor woman in the Ukrainian human pyramid.
She taught us Russian soon as we could open our mouths.
She reckoned if ever the Red Army come bowling down Commercial Road, we'd at least be able to understand the geezers when they said, "Hands up!" Go on, then, say something in Russian.
(Both speak made-up Russian) (Mordechai) Go on, then, sing something.
Kalenka, kalenka, kalenka Stop.
Where the hell did you get this? It's the ugliest bloody thing I've ever seen in my life.
It's embarrassing, isn't it, Cass? It's '50s kitsch, Lovejoy.
It's all the rage.
We got the whole lot from a house clearance.
- Why oh why do you do this to me, Eric? - (Phone) You wouldn't like to have to eat off the floor again, would you, Lovejoy? Would you answer that for me, Eric? - Where's the list? - Under the phone.
- Lovejoy Associates.
Can I help you? - Lovejoy.
And who's calling? Harry Catapodis.
OK, Mr.
Catapodis, if you'll just hold on, I'll go and see if he's in the workshop.
Harry, good to hear you.
Hold on a second.
(Whispers) Goodbye, Eric.
Where are you calling from, Harry? White's Hotel, London, England.
I just got here.
Uh, thank you.
I had some urgent business in Bond Street, so I thought I'd check in with you.
Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Harry.
Any news of the icon? Did your Ruskis ever show up? Apparently the ship has docked but I didn't go through with it because you didn't call me back.
I mean, that kind of thing's out of my league.
Maybe I could meet this friend of yours.
What do you think? There's no harm in checking it out if it's still here, is there? I suppose not.
I could call him.
It's just that Mordechai has got this thing about paying telephone bills.
I could send him a telegram, though.
Look, Lovejoy, I only plan to be here for a few days.
Why don't you just get yourself a cab and bill it to me? OK? He's on the hook.
Tanaka, it's Lovejoy.
Catapodis is in town and he wants to see the Rublev.
We have lift-off.
Lovejoy, so nice of you to come.
Harry Catapodis, Mordechai Frobel.
Mordechai.
Please, gentlemen, come in.
Make yourselves at home.
Come and sit down.
Make yourselves at home.
Can I get you gentlemen anything to drink? Gin, whiskey? - Oh, no, no.
I never touch it, thank you.
- Good.
Down to business.
It's good to make your acquaintance, Mordechai.
You bring the papers? Oh, yes.
What do you think of this? Oh, it looks like a Rublev but I'd want to see it myself first.
Any idea what this thing says? Oh, yes, it's the the Rublev icon family tree.
Where it's been, who owned it, which father passed it onto which son.
It goes from 1750 to 1950.
- May I borrow this? - Oh, no, no, no, no.
Please, keep the - The Polaroid.
- Yes.
I even signed it for you on the back.
OK, how much they want for this thing? Well, only $3 million.
- Cash.
- Three million? You must be crazy.
Who is this guy, Lovejoy, eh? $3 million is pitsel.
Don't you know the Andrei Rublev icon is off the scale? There's not one in the West.
I know that, Mordechai, but three million? I ask you.
I'm wasting my time here.
You said he was a mensch.
I thought he was a major player.
What is he? Some sort of Greek goy who still thinks in drachma? Look, Mordechai, let's get one thing straight.
First I want to see the goods.
I want to translate the papers.
And not until I am 150% satisfied that this thing is kosher will I even think of the money.
Versteh? Well, you think about it, Catapodis, but don't waste your time scratching your tuchus.
I'm leaving.
If he makes up his mind, call me.
Oy prac.
Oy kolera.
Well, what do you make of that? Well The whole thing sounds fishy to me.
The Rublev's got to be worth three times that.
No, it's obvious that they want our currency.
I've dealt with the Russians before, don't forget.
They don't give a damn about their heritage.
They'd sell you the Kremlin if you were dumb enough to haul it away.
OK, where do we get this stuff translated? Well, under T, for translators.
Let's have a look.
What have we got? Translators, here we go.
We've got Arabic Oh, we've got Greek even.
Russian.
Here we go.
Popov.
Popov.
This is old Russian with a bit of Armenian thrown in for good measure, you understand? But what does it say? It tells that an icon was painted by Rublev Andrei.
It was taken from a What's this word? Oh yes, a screen in the cathedral of Vladimir.
- A very famous place.
- Very famous, yes.
And has been guarded by a family of old believers since the 18th century.
Everyone, fathers and sons, who have guarded the icon up until the 1950s have put their names on the list.
- You want me to read them out to you? - No, that's OK, Mr.
Popov.
Don't bother.
This script is ancient.
It's hard to read.
This is a very important icon, if you ask me.
Does that document look genuine to you? Sure, for a photocopy it looks very genuine to me.
It's so old, I could have written it myself.
Is that a fact? I got the feeling we should take a look.
If you want my opinion, it's a waste of time, but take a look by all means.
- Can you fix it? - Of course I can fix it.
- First of all we have to fix some ground rules.
- And they are? if the deal goes through.
- Are you? - 10%, Harry.
This is Mrs.
Lynch.
Captain Valentin.
- Hello.
- Hello, captain.
I've explained everything to the captain, my dear.
He's going to do everything he can to help you.
I hope it all works out.
This is all very kind of you, J.
P.
How can I ever thank you? No comment.
Captain Valentin, I'd like you to meet my associate, Mr.
Frobel.
Hello.
This is one hell of a way to come to see some icon, Lovejoy.
Where did you say this place was? Southampton.
Frankly, Harry, I wouldn't have bothered.
My attitude is, what you never have, you never miss.
That's the difference between you and me, Lovejoy.
I'd never sleep nights if I thought I was close to something and I didn't know whether it was gold or dog do.
You will soon.
Before we reveal the icon, I just want to say that these two boys here have brought it to the West at great personal risk to themselves.
And if word gets out, the K.
G.
B.
Would open a gulag especially for them.
Versteh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got that.
Now where is it? What Mordechai say is pravda, truth.
Understand? This most beautiful thing you see, huh? My God.
It is incredible, I agree.
What do you think, Lovejoy? Oh, yes, it is incredible.
But it could have been made in Vladivostok yesterday.
What kind of talk is that? If you're not interested, these are good people.
Do not waste their time.
Who's wasting their time? Just calm down.
Excuse us one moment.
Lovejoy.
Well, Lovejoy, what do you think? Looks like a Rublev, smells like a Rublev.
Hm, and there's the papers of provenance.
I mean, they look genuine enough.
I mean, these guys, they're too dumb to think that one up.
Oh, don't be too sure.
It's the first thing I'd do.
Do you think that we could have a microscopy test done of the paint before tomorrow? Sure, if they give us a sample.
Look, fellas, just to confirm that we're not buying the washroom door, we want to have the paint tested.
(Speaks mock Russian) Er (Replies in mock Russian) - Niet.
- Niet.
(Speaks mock Russian) What's he say? They don't want you to touch the paint.
If you do, they'll break your bleedin' arm.
You're talking $3 million one minute and he wants to put me in plaster the next? You're crazy! I can't do business like this.
You should be locked up, the lot of you! What are you talking about? We're talking $3 million! You're going to break my arm! You should grow up, you know that? You're crazy! - Ah! - Just a moment, just a moment! Paint samples.
Flakes from the paint.
So We have sample and nothing is broken.
(Speaks mock Russian) OK.
You test paint.
Then we leave in 24 hours.
We go to Rotterdam.
Can't be fairer than that, can we? Don't pass it up, Catapodis.
You won't get another chance this century.
That I know for nothing.
- How come you're not interested? - Who, me? (Laughs) Saints, virgins - hardly my kind of theology, is it? OK, for the moment we stop business.
We come back later.
Lovejoy.
Dosvedanya.
- All right, all right.
- All right! (Speaks Japanese) All right.
Come on, come on.
What does it show? As far as I can tell there are no substances in the paint to indicate the icon is a contemporary copy.
What you're saying is that the paint comes from the 14th century? I can't say that.
As yet no test can.
What I can say with absolute certainty is that the pigments you've given me are consistent with that era, which in this case just happens to be the 14th century.
So it's old? That's about what we know.
It's old.
Excuse me.
Lovejoy.
Lovejoy, what is this? You got some deal with the Dutch in Rotterdam? Whatever happens, it's your decision.
I just don't want to find myself in the position of having to say, "I told you so.
" You won't.
Call Mordechai and ask him if Tom and Jerry will take banker's drafts.
Thank you, Ted.
I just want to confirm that the Alexander Katorga is leaving Southampton today for Rotterdam.
It is? Thank you very much.
Well, there it is, boys.
That's my apartment you're looking at there.
Very spacious.
Have you got the banker's drafts? I want you to think about this very carefully.
I already have.
Let's go.
You two, bring it.
They're coming.
Ah, it's good to see you again.
Catapodis.
Nice to see you.
It's good to see the gang's all here, eh? Can I offer anybody a nice cup of Russian tea? That's very kind but I don't think so.
I wouldn't mind a cup of tea.
- I wouldn't mind a cup of vod tea.
- Tea.
I suppose we have to keep the workers happy.
Very kind of you.
(Speaks mock Russian) Mordechai Mordechai, what's he just said? Er, he wants to know what you've got.
Boys.
Now there are two cases like that full of gold.
See, another one up there.
OK.
And here I have these banker's drafts from International Bank, New York.
OK? Banker's drafts.
International Bank.
Satisfied? - Da.
- Da, OK.
May I see the icon? Ah.
What are you doing? Last time I handled this, I made a little cross on the back with my thumbnail.
I can't seem to see it.
You know something, I'm beginning to Try this.
Thank you.
Ah, here it is.
I've got it here.
Yes.
Have you got the papers? OK.
Thank you.
Second opinion.
Hm-hm.
They look kosher to me.
(Russian over tannoy) What's he saying? We leave in ten minutes.
In ten minutes? Just one moment, excuse me.
Lovejoy.
Well, I've come this far.
Are you still skeptical? What do you think? You've come this far, you might as well go for the whole 10 yards but just one thing, Harry.
The ship leaves in ten minutes, the cash is on the table.
One and a half million.
More money than they've ever seen in their lives.
I offer them a million and a half? They're crazy but they're not that crazy.
Well, try it.
What have you got to lose? OK, I've decided to buy the icon but not for $3 million, for one and a half.
All the cash and the gold, but not the banker's drafts.
(Speaks mock Russian) (Both) Niet.
(Speaks mock Russian) Three million.
Three million.
Deal is off.
Oh, sugar! See what happens when I listen to you? (Harry) Come back here, boys.
For God's sake, come back.
(Speaks mock Russian) - Three million.
- What's he say? He says you have two minutes and it's still $3 million.
It's a good deal that, Catapodis.
Tell him, Lovejoy.
What am I supposed to say? (Russian over tannoy) Two minutes.
(Ship's horn) OK, I agree.
Here.
Here are the banker's drafts.
OK? Da.
(Speaks mock Russian) Good.
OK, fellas, let's get out of here.
Have a nice day, Harry.
Hey, Lovejoy, why don't you call Rotterdam and tell them it's not coming? I never had a deal with the Dutch, Harry.
That's your story and you're sticking to it.
Nice working with you, boys.
Bye, Lovejoy.
It's nice working with you, Harry.
- Bye.
- Bye.
(All) Yeah! Cass.
- Get off.
- Hey! Hey, come up quickly.
(Exclaims in Japanese) (Lovejoy) He's trying to get away with the gold.
- (Speaks Japanese) - No, plan B.
- What's going on? - Plan B.
- Hey! - The walkie-talkie.
(Chuckles) (Eric) Lovejoy, he's heading out towards the main channel.
- I've lost him.
- We've lost him.
We've got to go up higher.
- He's holding the same course.
- He's holding the same course.
- He's turning toward the big bridge.
- He's turning toward the big bridge.
(Tinker) He's heading towards the shore by the south end of the bridge.
(Eric) He's going to land by the south end of the bridge.
He's landed.
He's getting out of the boat.
(Eric) He's landed.
Now don't do anything foolish, Lovejoy.
Oi.
If anyone asks, you thought we were from Greenpeace.
Nice one.
Happy days are here again Mordechai! All right, all right.
You really had us worried there for a minute.
Fancy a drink? Why not?