Mad About You s02e12 Episode Script

All right, come here.
Stand right here.
There.
Tell me you don't hear it.
I don't hear it.
Wait a second.
Okay, now.
You don't hear that? I don't hear it.
It's humming.
It's like a high hum.
- You don't find it annoying? - Yes, I do.
I meant the hum.
Why do you let this stuff bother you? - I don't let it.
- You look for it.
I don't look for it.
It's like you.
You can't let go of the slanty floor? - Well, that slants.
- It doesn't slant.
Come on.
Right here, it slants.
Every time I'm here, I'm telling you.
- I don't feel it.
- You don't feel it? You've lived here all these years? Every time I come in here Every single time.
It's insane.
I'm not even as tall as I am down here up here.
I come, I'm like Murray, I never knew you had a thing for terriers.
I thought you were, like, a poodle man.
No, no, no, I'm not judging.
- How is it out? - It's a little nippy.
Sweater nippy or jacket nippy? Cold-as-hell nippy.
Ask me again.
I like saying nippy.
- You wanna come with me? - Where are you going? Going up to 44th St.
To pick up my mother's watch and then to 1 st Ave.
To buy a new bathmat and some towels.
Wow.
Okay, first of all, not only don't I want to go but had I gone and you led me to such places I would literally never forgive you.
Wanna at least come have brunch with me? No.
You know what? I'm tired.
I'm just gonna hang out.
- All right.
See you when I get back.
- Okay.
You have fun.
Want to go to Dvorik's and get some shoes? - Not so much.
- You need shoes.
- Yeah, but I'm - lf I get a bathmat you don't like You won't hear a peep out of me.
Mind turning the music down? Hal has a me-graine.
A what? A me-graine.
A headache.
You try giving him some a-spirin? - I beg your pardon? - We'll turn it down.
- I hate her.
- It's not even loud.
You won't even have brunch with me? I can't.
I gotta wait for the handyman.
You're going to spend a Saturday inside because of some stupid hum? It was a hum, now it's a buzz.
If it was a hum, I would have lived with it, believe me.
Go.
Fine.
Goodbye.
- Should I get light or dark? - What? The bathmat.
- Light.
- What if we? - Dark.
- Don't you think? Light.
Dark! You see what they do, Murray? They try to wear you down.
You must never, ever fall for that.
Whereas that, you can't fight.
How long can it take to buy a bathmat? I don't really know, and frankly, I don't wanna find out.
We'll go there first, and then you can come home.
- Never gonna happen, my friend.
- I love that expression.
There you go.
That was tea, but Right.
Okay.
- That is good.
- I ordered mozzarella, not jack.
- You can tell the difference? - Yeah.
- Good for you.
- You don't need that.
You don't need a bathmat and you're getting one.
We do need a bathmat.
The one we have is torn and faded.
But it does the job.
It gets between the warm foot and the cold tile every time.
Let's be honest, that's what we're paying the bathmat to do.
Fine.
If you don't want to go, just say so.
Okay, do you guys have another credit card? - Sure.
What's the matter? - I had to cut this one up.
You What do you? What? - Yeah.
- Why? Why would you do that? - They told me to.
- Who? Right.
The voice over the phone.
- Did you pay the Visa bill? - Of course.
Why would they tell her to cut it up? - Must have been a mistake.
- What kind of mistake is that? - The computer? - It's not even like they declined it.
They told her to cut it in half? They said that? What terrible thing would it say in the computer? Won't go with wife to the bath store? - That's good.
Make a joke.
- It's not a big deal.
- Okay.
- Better? Yeah.
This one was much easier to cut.
- Are you kidding? - Now it's a big deal? You didn't even bring me the right cheese.
Okay.
You know what, honey? Let's just pay cash.
All right? This is just about there.
All right? Nice big tip for you for ripping up our cards.
Thank you.
I've got like $ 1.
04 to my name now.
We can go to the cash machine on our way to the bath store.
Great I'm not going to the bath store.
Know why it's taking so long? It's not a bank, it's an "ank.
" Is this guy entering his fail-safe code? I have to get enough for the bath store.
What is it with the bath store? It's the biggest thing in your life now.
Why don't you just ask the man to take his pants off? All right.
Then you can see what is and what isn't.
I can't believe that waitress rips my card right in half.
- She did it to mine too.
- I can't believe she ripped yours.
That she would do that to you is what upset English or Spanish? Why would they give it in English? If you speak Spanish, you can't understand the choice.
It's working out.
- Withdraw from - Checking.
Checking.
I love that sound.
Right in half.
She just rips it right in half.
She cuts "Cannot complete transaction.
Your card is confiscated.
" - Why is this? - What? They can't do that.
Your friend with the nice ass took all the money.
Use the phone.
- Why don't we just go in? - Because the phone is faster.
I'm already on hold.
Oh, God! I hate Harry Connick.
- What? You like Harry Connick.
- It's the new one.
Why don't we just go in? Yes.
Hello.
Your machine ate our card.
Yes.
No.
Fine.
Just go in.
Hello.
What can I do for you? Your cash machine ate my card up.
It does that sometimes.
May I have your cash card number? Sadly, no because the cash card number's on the actual cash card itself which, as I mentioned earlier in the sentence, was eaten by your machine.
Let's solve this together, shall we? Please, sit down.
- Your name? - Buchman.
That's B as in "ank.
" - Look at all the Buchmans.
- I'm 12th.
- Paul.
- What? Paul.
Look at all the Pauls.
We have 10,000 accounts in this branch alone.
And two tellers open.
- I think I've found your problem.
- Which is what? - You're dead.
- Excuse me? He's dead.
In the sense that what? It says here that you died two days ago.
I'm so sorry.
Well, clearly, I'm not dead.
- See? Look.
- Well it says you are.
Can you make it say otherwise? Bring me back to life? I'm afraid I'm not authorized to do that.
Probably it's one of your other Paul Buchmans.
Probably.
Do you keep joint accounts? As long as you're dead, she's dead too.
- So how do we fix this? - You just fill out these forms and give them to my supervisor, Mr.
Williams.
- I bet he's gone for the weekend.
- Yes, he is.
He has a house on Montauk, and a companion.
- Are they happy? - Very.
- We don't really care.
- Okay.
So, what happens now? I'm afraid you're both dead until Monday.
That's why I felt so tired.
I can't find this guy's obituary anywhere.
Found a quarter.
Seventeen more and one of us can go to a movie.
- Meanwhile, where is this guy? - Do me a favor.
Next time you're dead, do it on Friday, so I can cash a check.
Here it is.
Here it is.
Here it is.
Buchman.
Buchman, Paul David.
"Manhattan.
Survived by family, friends, and dog.
" A dog.
That's sad.
"Services today, Everly Chapel, 2:00.
" He's a Shriner.
Wonder what they do with the hat.
Maybe they bury him in it.
Just seems like such a waste.
- Did you hear something? - Yeah, like a - Yeah.
- Maybe we won something.
We may already be a winner.
It's from the landlord.
"Condolences on your loss.
Vacating the premises requires 60 days' notice.
Sadly, Mel Wertzel.
" Very nice of Mel to think of you in your time of need.
- I'm never giving this place up.
- What do you need this space for? - I don't know.
Everything's here.
- Everything except me.
- Because I'd be dead.
- Can we stop this? I wonder how he died.
They don't say.
I was just wondering the same thing.
What are you doing? You're depressing me.
Come on, let's go out.
And do what? We're dead.
And broke.
We're dead and broke.
We've got to have something.
- Don't we have an emergency 20? - I spent it.
- On what? - Fruit.
It was an emergency.
When did we have a fruit emergency? - I didn't want to tell you.
- I'm gonna go check all my pockets.
Found another quarter.
I'm so sorry.
What did we do now? I realize that Hal and I haven't been the best of neighbors at times.
You started a petition.
I can't tell you how stunned we were when we read the obituary this morning.
Really? Well, thank you.
You know, Paul always wanted so much for you to like him.
And we tried, but Why speak ill? - You must be devastated.
- Easy come, easy go.
I beg your pardon? You don't know any single men, do you? - Single men? - Eats.
Fantastic.
I have a date tonight.
Even the Kramdens, they always had $ 12 they kept in a Hi, how are you? That's just rude.
- What the hell was that? - I was toying with her little British head.
- Did you find any money? - Four dimes and a Necco wafer.
When did you buy Necco wafers? Can't you teach your sister to knock? - Leave her alone.
- Just knock.
- Hey, what's up? - Hey.
- Well, I'm dead.
- You're dead? I didn't get in until 4.
- What is this from? - Doorman was holding them for you.
"So long, old sailor.
" Probably the wrong Paul Buchman.
- I'd say so.
- Sure.
Do you have any English muffins? - Do you have any money? - You're gonna charge me? No.
We need to borrow a few dollars.
- What's a few dollars? - I don't know, 20 or 30 bucks.
Really not comfortable with that.
- I'm sorry.
What? - It creates bad vibes.
How about the, like, $600 you owe us? See? You have two 10s.
I'm taking one.
- Okay, just remember it's a loan.
- Of course.
Why don't we deduct it from the amount you owe us? - What kind of scam is that? - We will pay you back.
- Soon.
Hey, any bacon? - Go look.
"So long, old sailor.
" That's what it comes down to, isn't it? - Kind of sad, isn't it? - Yeah.
Well, not necessarily.
He was old, and he could sail, and he had a dog.
So that's a full life, huh? You're really putting the puzzle together.
Here's what I got.
This guy, he had a boat.
He had a big, mahogany, and he would just sail all over the world just him and his dog.
And his wife.
You didn't let me finish.
And his wife, Ellen.
I've decided Ellen.
And they would sail, the three of them, and he was a fighter.
He would drink a lot.
He was a drinker and a fighter.
And he would He knew sea chanteys.
That's what I'm thinking.
They would come And he would sing the chanteys to his wife as he beat the crap out of others.
That's what he did.
What are you doing? Calling the florist, to pick them up.
- They're not going to care.
- Well, we can't keep them.
Hey, you know what we should? Why don't we bring them over? - Where? - To the chapel.
I think Paul should know that he got a lovely arrangement here.
- Come on.
- What? You don't care about this guy's flowers.
You just wanna meet him.
The dead guy? I wanna meet the dead guy? That's the sickest thing you've All right, a little bit.
Yeah.
- Forget it.
- Why? Come on.
- We can't afford to do anything.
- We're not crashing a funeral.
- It's gonna be fun.
- No.
It's on the way to the bath store.
- Okay.
- See? Hello! How are you today? Why am I asking? You must be sad.
No.
- This is the Buchman funeral? - Sign the book.
I'm right back.
What are you doing? What are you doing? He said to sign the book, so I'm just signing What should I put? I shouldn't put Paul Buchman.
They'll think I'm clowning around.
- Pete? - Fine.
Pete.
Pete.
I don't look like a Pete.
- Leonard.
- Leonard? - I look like a Leonard? - Just sign it.
All right, then.
Who do you want to be? - Just put Mr.
And Mrs.
- I thought you hate that.
Last time we were at the Hilton, you said your identity gets all blurry.
Donna.
Donna? Donna's good.
Good.
Leonard and Donna.
- That's probably him.
- It better be.
Come on.
Just put the flowers down and let's go.
Look.
Look.
His little hat.
Honey, let's go.
- You want to look? - What? - Sometimes, they like to look.
- No, no.
Thanks.
No.
Who can blame you? Death.
What a crazy business.
Wait a second.
Is it really okay to look? That's what he's here for.
- What, are you kidding? - Come on, I'm just curious.
This could be me in there.
Then you, my friend, you would have to remarry.
Beautiful young girl like this would remarry very fast.
Thank you.
Who would you marry? I don't know.
Want me to be a widow? No, I wanna know who the guy is.
You're dead.
Why's it your business? - Here.
This is for you, for whenever.
- Thank you.
What are you doing? You don't need this.
My parents have the guy - That's right.
Come on.
- Jersey.
No, no! - I'd like to know who you're marrying.
- Don't start.
- Maybe we should look for a triple plot.
- There is no guy.
If I'll be buried next to him, I'd like to be introduced.
You won't be next to him, I'll be in the middle.
- You make a joke like - It's good to see you.
It's good to see you.
You don't recognize me, do you? I gotta say, you know, I'm trying, but Monty.
- Monty.
- Yes, and I am Gladys' kid, right? That's exactly Yes, of course.
And you must be - Donna.
- Donna.
Donna.
So how do you like Toronto? We like it.
You know, it's nippy.
It's nippy, but it's friendly, so we enjoy it there in Toronto.
Paul said that he loved your cabin.
He said that? He was at the cabin? Yeah.
He used to write to me a lot.
What was it about him, do you think, really? He was Paul Buchman, one of a kind.
- I'd like to get his number.
- We've had enough fun.
Wait.
Did you hear what he said? One of a kind.
Paul Buchman was one of a kind.
Now he's gone.
- But you're not.
- I know, but I could be.
I mean, look, as far as Visa and everybody else is concerned that's me.
I am in there.
You know? Honey, I feel terrible.
I haven't told your mother yet, but I left her a message.
Your husband was a good man.
A good man.
Bad credit, but I'm so sorry.
I had the worst weekend.
Did he mention that $ 10 he owes me? - Yes, he did.
- Great.
Thanks.
Okay.
Man, does that dress look good.
- You're here.
- Of course I'm here.
What did you think, I'd miss this? - Well, then, who's that? - Who is that? I guess I'm not so here.
I mean, I'm here, but I'm there, so that's interesting, huh? - You mean you're a ghost? - That's what I'm thinking because this makes absolutely no sense to be in two places.
That's it.
I must be a ghost.
Sure.
How am I gonna live without you? What are you talking about? I'm here.
- But you're dead.
- Well, that's the bad news.
What's the good news? Good news is, I have been assigned to haunt you.
- How are you gonna haunt me? - Same as before.
You never haunted me.
You just did annoying things once in a while.
- Like what? - What difference does it make? - I'd like to know.
- It doesn't matter now.
It's nothing.
I'm saying once every blue moon - Like this kind of thing.
- Yeah, well, boo.
- God, you look good.
- It's unbelievable.
You can eat whatever you want.
Know what I had for breakfast? Four eggs and a pie.
I never shave.
It's unbelievable.
I want to go with you.
Well, you can't.
You have things to do.
- Like what? - Don't you have to get a bathmat? That doesn't seem important now.
Jamie.
Come on.
We're double-parked.
Hey, hey, hey, wait a second.
What? Nothing.
Nothing.
Go ahead.
- Have a good life.
- You too.
- I did.
- Really? Yeah.
Go.
James? Come here a sec.
Just Maybe it's silly, but you know what, I was thinking Why did you have to do that? - Because I figured.
- Yeah, but play fair.
- Go.
Enjoy yourself.
- Fat chance now.
I know.
Forget it.
- What? - Hey, hey.
- What was that for? - Just like this.
- So sad.
- It's sad, the whole thing.
It's all sad.
It's amazing, he sailed all around the world and never had a cold.
Then one morning he steps out of the shower slips, and breaks his neck.
If only he had a bathmat.
There's a slant.
You're right.
Absolutely right.
There's a big slant right there, like a Told you.
Sorry I doubted you.
- You hear the hum? - I don't.
You don't hear the hum? - I felt the slant.
- Honey, I'm really trying.
Person gives you a slant, you give them a hum.
I'm sorry, I don't hear it.
Am I crazy? There's a hum there.
There's no hum.
There's a big hum.