Man with a Plan (2016) s02e12 Episode Script

1 Go, go, go.
Oh! You see that? We just took the lead! Hey, Dad, do you think I could pull off these boots? Honey, I got 20 bucks riding on this game.
I-I'll pull your boots off at halftime, okay? I don't know about that new paint color in your bathroom.
I know, Joy; it's way too yellow.
This morning, I thought I was peeing on the sun.
It's so bright, I could see it from my bedroom window.
Yeah, well, that's why I asked Adam to repaint it.
He turned a shade of red that I think would actually look nice in the bathroom.
Hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Husbands love redoing what they didn't want to do in the first place.
Yeah, we disagreed, but then we sat down, had a discussion, and he's repainting.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
Made him some nachos to ease the blow.
See, the angry part of his brain is smaller than the nacho part.
All right, I'll tell you what, I'll buy you the boots if you help me repaint the stupid bathroom Ooh, nachos.
Well, you deserve 'em, honey.
And the cheese is the color of the bathroom, so you won't forget to repaint it.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) - Howdy! - (TOY HORN SQUEAKS) I'm Baggy Britches, and I have a message.
Are you Kate Burns? No! No! Say no! Say no! What is wrong with your husband? Don't look at his flower.
That's how they get you.
Adam has a fear of clowns.
It's not a fear, okay? It's a natural instinct that's kept me alive thus far.
Then why are you using your daughter as a human shield? Because you're too far away.
Murder her; I barely know her.
(TOY HORN SQUEAKS) I've been sent over here in my baggy pants 'Cause Danny Phillips wants to ask Kate To the Spring Formal Dance.
Seriously? The Spring Formal? (LAUGHS): Oh, my God! Mom! Hey, you want to see some magic? No, no, no! - Get out! Get out! - (SHOE SQUEAKING) Get out, get out, get out! (PANTING) That was close.
Kate, the Spring Formal.
That's huge! I know.
I can't believe it.
He's still out there.
Oh, oh! I'm gonna turn the sprinklers on.
It'll wash off his makeup, then he'll be powerless.
ANDI: I couldn't be happier for Kate.
I mean, hardly any freshman girls get asked to the senior dance.
Hold on.
The guy that asked her is a senior? All right, don't get all Adam on this.
I'm Adam.
That's the only way I get.
Look, it doesn't mean they're dating.
It's just one dance.
One dance is enough.
That's where you do all the laying down things standing up.
Yeah, I know.
I remember from our wedding night.
It was like you had six hands.
Andi, any senior that asks out a freshman has something wrong with him.
Okay, he's the kind of guy who ends up dressed as a clown, terrorizing honest citizens.
For all we know, that was him.
Boy, you get lost in one fun house, it ruins your life.
(SCOFFS) Fun house.
Never has a place been more incorrectly named.
She is not going to that dance, and that's the end of it.
Okay, well, let's sit down and discuss it.
And after, we can have nachos.
(MURMURS HAPPILY) No, no, no, no, no.
No.
I'm not going to the chairs with you.
Every time we sit down and discuss, I lose.
I don't know what you're talking about, but I'd like to.
Hey, let's have a seat, talk it out.
Not this time, sunshine.
This time, I'm gonna prep.
I'm going to the blackboard, drawing some X's and O's, and getting some plays ready.
- Yeah, well, that makes sense.
- Yeah.
You want to run any of these plays by me? Well, for starters, Katie's Oh, you're good.
I'm onto you now, though.
I'm never sitting down in here again.
I just don't think Katie should date a senior.
But I'm oh for a thousand with Andi when we sit down and have these discussions.
I'm like that team that plays the Harlem Globetrotters.
I'm trying to make a point, and she's running circles around me, bouncing balls off my head.
Our problem is wives have more stamina than.
We'd rather lose than listen.
And even if you win a point, they keep coming at you, like waves at the beach.
Blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah.
Mostly my marriage is fifty-fifty, but when we have a difference of opinion, I lose because I go with my gut and Andi goes with logic.
She can make a good argument for any bad idea.
If you really want to win, I know a trick from the old days.
It's called silent negotiation.
I've heard of that.
You let her talk first, but then you don't say a word.
You just stare at her and wait her out.
She'll start talking in circles, doubting herself.
Eventually she'll break down like a Chinese Rolex.
Like the one you gave me for Christmas? I went to see what time it was, and all the numbers just fell to the bottom.
I told you not to let the sun hit it! I don't want Katie to go to the dance, but this silent negotiation, that's never gonna work.
I'm right about this.
My grandfather said "I do," then he didn't speak to his wife again for 40 years.
He got everything he wanted.
Here, I'll do it on Don.
- Hey, fellas.
- Hey.
Hey, Donny, I need you to take your mother to the fabric store tonight.
Sorry, Pop, but we've been over this.
It's not my responsibility to run Mom around town.
I'm her son, not her husband.
I have my own life.
Come on, Pop, the fabric store? Although, Mom is getting older.
Fine, I'll pick her up at 7:00.
And that's how you do that.
Wow, look at him.
He's still trying to figure out what happened, like a bird that flew into a window.
Hello, darling.
I'm ready to sit down and discuss this whole Katie situation.
Okay.
I was born to discuss.
You should know, I don't have any nacho stuff.
I'll take my chances.
(CLEARS THROAT) Ladies first.
Okay, here's how I see it.
Okay, Kate is very mature.
I mean, you've said that yourself, so you're kind of arguing against yourself here.
And and the school has chaperones watching the entire time, thus removing any potential for danger.
Boom.
Game, set, match.
Hit the showers, kid! Ha! It's a school sanctioned event, Adam.
I mean, nothing will go wrong.
She's gonna be surrounded by adults all night.
Except in the car.
Which is where boys get handsy.
And she's gonna be hanging out with Danny's friends.
And older kids sneak alcohol into dances.
You know what? You're right.
She shouldn't go to this thing.
It's a bad idea.
So we've reached an agreement? I guess so, yeah.
Well, thanks for hearing me out.
I've heard stories of women losing arguments to their husbands; I just never thought it'd happen to someone I knew.
What did he say that was so convincing? Well, (SIGHS) he made a lot of good points.
He said No, no, I said that.
But he did say that No, I said that, too.
Wait, come to think of it, he didn't say anything.
Oh.
He played the quiet game.
What? It's a trick.
That's how I got engaged.
Rudy just wanted to shack up, so I kept my mouth shut until he came back with a ring, and then a better ring.
So Adam played dirty.
(SCOFFS) I knew I wasn't wrong.
Kate should go to the dance.
First of all, you're never wrong.
And even if you're wrong, you're still more right than him.
Yeah, well, I can play dirty, too.
Oh-ho-ho, just you watch.
How do I play dirty? Well, he wanted to make this decision, right? I say pile it on, make him pick everything.
Like the new color for the bathroom.
Oh, I can't let him do that.
He'll just paint a Van Halen logo on the wall.
It won't even get that far.
Men hate these decisions.
What color, how many, thread count.
(GASPS) Thread count.
He doesn't even know what that is.
It'll drive him so crazy, he'll eventually fold on everything, including Kate.
And victory will be mine.
I mean, you know, we'll be doing the right thing for Kate, and that's what's important.
It was beautiful, Don.
I said nothing and she caved.
I wish I was wearing a body cam, 'cause that's a movie I would watch every year on my birthday.
(CHUCKLES) We should celebrate this win by going fishing this weekend.
Ah, not so fast.
That silent negotiation, that's bad voodoo.
I spent hours with Mom at that fabric store.
Do you know how many kinds of corduroy there are? There's wide wale, pinwale, pincord, needlecord.
I'm never gonna be the same.
Oh, here comes Katie.
Hey, Katie.
Oh! So, the man who won't let me go to the dance says hey.
Hi, Uncle Don, and nobody else.
Hi, Katie.
I like your needlecord pants.
Thanks, Uncle Don, and nobody else.
You see how mad she is? That's how you know I won.
Oh, it's not over yet.
When you mess with Mother Nature, there's always unintended consequences.
This is Jurassic Park stuff you're screwing around with.
You just don't understand winning.
It's so unfamiliar, it scares you.
Hey, babe.
Listen, uh, Don and I were thinking about going fishing this weekend.
Actually, I was hoping that you'd go to the paint store and choose a new color for the bathroom.
What? Why me? Well, you know, you were so right about Kate, I realized you should be making more decisions around here.
No, I shouldn't.
What? T.
rex is out of the pen.
Also, um, look through these brochures and choose a summer camp for the kids.
But I was gonna watch TV.
This stuff is your thing.
Well, now I'm gonna watch TV.
It's my new thing.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Um, can you pick us out a new bed skirt? Great, thanks.
A bed skirt? What the hell is a bed skirt? I think we know who wears the bed skirt in this family.
Look at all this.
I got to choose paint colors, summer camps, some made up thing called a bed skirt.
What the hell happened? You messed with nature.
Now you got dinosaurs running all over the island.
Yeah, I screwed up the whole balance of our marriage.
Before this, she made a billion decisions without me.
And I was happy because I didn't have to chime in, and she was happy because she got to decide stuff without some chump chiming in.
Amen, brother.
I haven't chimed in since 1989.
I bought parachute pants.
(EXHALES) Learned my lesson.
Yeah, like I get up early on Saturdays to close the drapes so we can sleep in.
But the drapes are there because she picked them.
She never asked my opinion, because I don't have one.
In fact, gun to my head, what color are the drapes? No idea.
But now your opinion's being respected.
Yeah, and I don't like it.
And all because I won one discussion.
So, then maybe you need to have another discussion and lose that one.
That'll put you back on the bottom, where you belong.
Ooh, that's not a bad idea.
Yeah.
Hey, you want me to lose a fight? I'll lose a fight.
This guy's going down.
Now you sound like a real husband.
I don't think this is working.
I mean, Adam hasn't run back in here telling me that Kate should go to the dance.
You promised me total domination.
Just make sure you lose the next discussion with Adam, whatever it is, so you can keep loading him up with decisions.
Okay, but if I end up with a Van Halen logo on my wall, you're painting over it.
Okay, Joy just left.
It's time.
Okay, champ, you ready to lose this thing? Oh, yeah.
I have got a truly terrible argument.
- There's no way I can win.
- Ah, that's the spirit.
Now get in there and take a dive, make us all proud.
Okay.
Hey.
Listen, I have something I'd like to discuss.
Ooh, great.
I'd love to discuss something.
Okay, well, uh, I was thinking about the kids' summer camp.
Whatever you're thinking is right, I'm sure.
No, no, hold on.
(CHUCKLES) I was thinking they shouldn't go to camp at all.
What? Yeah.
I mean, is it really a good idea for kids to have fun? Huh? It'll just make being an adult that much sadder when they think back at all the fun they used to have.
That is quite a theory.
Well, that's what happens when I make decisions.
Plus, what are we gonna do for two weeks with no kids, huh? Take our own vacation? That's stupid.
That is stupid.
(LAUGHS) You're right again.
You always make such good decisions.
- No, I don't.
- Great job.
Speaking of which, Kate needs new bras.
Who needs new what, now? What? Just get on the Internet and see what you can find.
Teen girl bras? I don't want to Google that.
We just grounded Teddy for Googling that! I never should've used that stupid silent negotiation.
What were you thinking? You told me to do it.
I told you what it was; I didn't tell you to do it.
So, Andi was fine with the kids staying home all summer? Yeah.
She said I made some good points.
And I'll tell you something, I did not.
She's up to something.
I bet she knows you used a trick.
Maybe the reason nobody does it anymore is because all the wives figured it out.
That's right.
This is why we stopped doing it.
It unravels marriages.
What? They evolved, but we didn't.
Just like Jurassic Park.
Oh, will you, will you stop with that? See a different movie.
Why? It explains everything.
(CHUCKLES) You don't want me buying Katie's bras.
You're playing dirty.
You played dirty first.
No! Yeah, you got me.
But, look, I'm already being punished.
I just want things to go back to normal.
You pick stuff, I watch TV.
I agree, that's how we work.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How do we do that? I guess we have to go back to the beginning.
Back to where it all started.
Behind the Dumpster at Chili's? No! We're never going back that far.
No, I'm talking about Kate and the dance.
So, sit down and we can discuss it.
I still can't believe you guys are letting me go to the dance.
Thank you so much.
Ah, we went to the chairs, and the Globetrotters won again.
Oh, I forgot my phone.
I am back, baby.
And now we have a pink bathroom in our house, that I love.
Oh, technically it's mauve.
I am thrilled to say I do not care.
- (CHUCKLES) - (KNOCK ON DOOR) (GASPS) That must be Kate's date.
I don't know why, but I'm feeling nachos.
Hey.
What's up? You're a giant.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Dad, your friend's here.
Is Kate ready? Uh, Adam? Yeah.
Uh, hey, big guy.
Katie will be out in a minute.
Yeah, okay.
We can't let our daughter go out alone with that-that lumberjack in a tux.
I mean, did you see him? He filled up the whole doorway! All right, all right.
Don't panic, don't panic.
Oh, okay.
I'll go with them.
Yeah.
Although, he looked pretty strong.
I wish I still had that bear spray.
Katie, your date's here! - You'll go? Really? - Yeah, sure.
Absolutely, yeah.
Apparently, they don't have a problem with grown men going to their dances.
You're the best.
Maybe later we can swing by Chili's.
Uh, okay.
Uh, come on, we're going! Wait, you're going, too? Damn right I am.
I call shotgun.
Chili's.
You're so naughty.
(GIGGLES) Hey.
How'd it go? I had a blast.
I thought Danny and I kind of had a spark.
Yeah, you two were so cute in the photo booth together.
Ah.
You'll thank me someday.
(CHUCKLES) No, she won't.
You didn't embarrass her too bad, did you? Embarrass her? I won the dance contest.
(SPORTSCAST PLAYING OVER TV) Oh! Oh! (LAUGHS) Now we're even.
Very funny.
See you at prom!