Maron (2013) s02e12 Episode Script
The Joke
[Laughter.]
All right, so, what's new with Marc Maron? That's it? That's the question? What, do you want to nap through this? I can interview myself.
Where you at, Conan? We good? [Laughs.]
I'm sorry.
I did the best I could.
All right.
No, no, hey, everything's going pretty good.
I was actually on the cover of my college alumni magazine.
Really?! Yes, and that was oddly vindicating.
I can't even imagine you in school.
Were you this angry back then? [Laughter.]
I think I was more angry, because back then, I was all hopped up on coke and I had a flock of seagulls haircut.
[Laughter.]
Didn't make anything any easier.
Well, you couldn't get away with that today.
There's some school in Missouri -- they're gonna start drug-testing college students.
Yeah, that actually seems unconstitutional.
Not only is it unconstitutional, I think it's cheating.
I mean, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win, right? [Laughter.]
[Laughing.]
That's a really good point.
Okay, on that note, we'll take a break.
More with Marc Maron in just a second.
Stick around.
[Upbeat music plays.]
Hey, Marc, it's going great.
Is it? Absolutely.
This is the best I've ever seen you.
That drug-testing line was hysterical.
Yeah, just, uh -- just popped into my head.
Thataboy.
Improv, right? Yeah? Get that brain moving.
Keep it up.
You're doing great.
[Chuckles.]
How you doing, man? I wish I was dead.
["The poisoned well" plays.]
Won't fall for it you can't see and you can't tell I just can't drink from the poisoned well [Sighs.]
And he-e-e-re's Marky! How was "Conan"? It was okay.
I don't know.
I'm tired, man.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, um, I cleaned your mikes and booked your ticket for Bumbershoot.
And for your meeting tomorrow with Jon Groff, I put out your navy v-neck with vintage cords.
Jesus Christ.
Would you stop laying out my clothes? It's weird, man.
Sorry.
[Sighs.]
Forgot about that meeting, man.
I didn't prepare shit.
Bring me.
I've got tons of TV ideas.
Like, there's this one about me and my buddies trying to make it in L.
A -- get out.
Okay.
[Water running.]
Marc: Oh, shit! I'm telling you, it's not my joke, all right? I don't know whose it is, but -- but I can hear someone else doing it in my head.
We got to cut it, man! We got to -- It's too late.
The show already ran on the east coast.
Oh, shit.
Look, this thing happens all the time.
No one is gonna notice.
I mean, have you heard anything from anybody yet? No.
Exactly.
No one is going to notice.
Okay.
Okay.
You're probably right.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, you be-- bottom line -- you were great, all right? Relax! [Cellphone thuds.]
[Sighs.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, I would ask you if you miss doing stand-up, but I think I can guess the answer to that.
[Chuckles.]
Man, this is long overdue, huh? Yes.
I was just talking to the network suits, too, about how you rocked "Conan" last night.
Oh, wow.
Thanks, man.
That was great.
Thanks.
Yeah.
What part? Uh, the ice-cream bit.
Oh, good.
Yeah, thanks.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was really funny.
And, uh, the drug-testing line.
Hilarious.
Yeah, right.
Uh, I'm surprised I'm even on their radar.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
And, honestly, we would love to develop something with you if you have any, like, you know, arenas that you're kicking around.
Yeah.
I have some arenas.
I know it sounds idiotic, okay? But the network has actually purchased the rights to a bunch of hot Twitter feeds.
Come on.
No, honestly, you know, they're just sort of food for thought.
See what you think.
Do you respond to any of those? "Hobo roommate"? No.
"Pets who want to kill themselves.
" Now, like, how do I fit into that? What, am I a pet owner, a concerned pet owner? "Don't do it!" What is that? Maybe.
Uh, "zombie dating tips.
" Come on, Jon.
Look, I know it sounds horrible, but it just really -- it's just kind of to get you thinking, okay? I got a feeling this wasn't how "The Wire" was made.
Do me a favor, though? What? Just take another look at "hobo roommate.
" All right, I'll think about "hobo roommate.
" You know, just use it as a jumping-off point, you know? I'm -- I'm jumping, Jon.
I'm jumping.
Bill: So, right in the middle of my bit, I look out and there's some jerk-off in the crowd filming me with his iPhone -- the exact thing they just said not to do.
Yeah, the -- the filming thing's got completely out of hand, man.
It's sad.
It's just, like, another thing comics have to reckon with, you know? Like -- like getting bumped or hecklers or Exactly.
joke thieves, bachelorette parties.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, dude.
I mean, come on, joke thieves? Yeah.
That -- that's a whole different animal, man.
I mean, personally, I think those guys ought to be dragged out in the street and shot.
Yeah.
Dude, I-I mean, I don't want to be corny or anything, but I-I hold you in such high esteem that you actually had the balls to hold certain comics' feet to the fire right in this very garage, man, you know? And I speak for a lot of comics, man, where we're so glad somebody said something, dude.
We -- we really consider you -- you're like the Eliot Ness of -- of the joke police.
Nah, you know -- look.
You know, I always say that, you know, comics -- they're gonna hear like thousands of jokes in their lifetime, and, yeah, eventually, they're probably gonna do someone else's joke once at some point, you know? No, I-I don't think I ever heard you say that.
You all right, dude? You -- you seem miserable -- more than usual, I mean.
[Sighs.]
Well All right, l-listen.
I-I was ad-libbing on "Conan" the other night, all right? So, I do this riff about drug testing being cheating, because, like -- "if -- if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, then I win.
" And I just have this Nagging feeling of guilt that that might be somebody else's joke, right? Yeah, man.
I'm being paranoid, right? No, you're being a piece of shit.
That's a Bobby Mendez bit.
God damn it! [Chuckling.]
Yeah.
Aw, man.
I knew it felt weird, you know? I haven't seen that guy in years, but, like, I don't know what to do about it now.
Well, the old road dog just got out of jail.
I'm sure he's out there somewhere working the clubs as you're back here in L.
A.
getting fat, dining on his old bits.
Jesus, Marc, that's bad.
Oh, that's right.
He was in jail.
I just -- oh, my God.
Ah, dude, I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm sure it won't get back to him.
He's probably actually writing some new material right now that you can later on steal, right? It was an accident, man.
[Chuckles.]
That's what every joke thief says.
Sleep well tonight, sticky fingers.
It was an accident, though.
[Knock on door.]
[Knock on door.]
Marky Marc, it's me.
Holy shit.
Open the door.
[Sighs.]
Marky Marc, what took you so long? Bobby, hey.
Not bad.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
If you got some of your neighbors deported, this place might be worth a little something, huh? This is a blast from the past, man.
Oh, you sleeping? Yeah, it's the middle of the night.
Oh.
I was in the neighborhood -- Phoenix.
You know what I heard? Some of my friends told me you were on "Conan" and you absolutely killed.
Yeah, I-I-I know what you're getting at, man.
And, look, I want to apologize, all right? It just came out, Bobby.
I-I-I -- I'm just breaking your balls, all right? You were on national TV, everybody's watching.
I know how it is.
Well, I don't know how it is.
Conan's never had me on.
But I do know one thing -- I know that you're a fair guy, and you would never ever, ever, ever screw over another comic.
I know that you're gonna make this right, you'll take care of me, so I'm not worried about it.
All right, all right.
Thanks, man.
Anyway [Sighs.]
you know, I was thinking, I've done a lot of time on the road.
I did some time in jail.
Maybe I should give this little Hollywood thing a go -- with your jedi guidance, of course.
Right.
Ok-- right.
Get me a couple of comedy-club gigs, maybe hook me up with some of your jewball buddies for coffee.
I don't know about that.
I'll put the yarmulke on.
I don't know about that, but, yeah, I'll try to help you out.
And I'm gonna need a place to crash.
Uh-huh.
What do you think? You know what? I can make this Bobby HQ for a few weeks, you follow me? Until I get my little stabbing cabin up in the hills -- nice like a doctor.
[Laughs.]
All right, well, y-y-you know, that couch doesn't even pull out, man.
Who cares about the couch? I'll sleep on the bed with you.
Nice and comfy, ass to ass.
Yeah.
No-- just like my stint in prison.
I-I'm not comfortable with that.
I -- I'm just kidding you.
The couch would be great, all right? And just to show you it's not all "take, take, take, take, take" Uh-huh.
ba-bam! Oh, yeah.
The fruit of the gods, huh? Yeah.
Look at this.
[Snorts.]
Yeah.
Bam ba-ba-bam ba-bam-bam.
Oh, yeah.
Look what I got for you.
Look.
No, no, no.
[Makes train noise.]
Open up for uncle.
No, thanks.
Open up for uncle Bobby.
I've been sober 13 years, man.
I can't.
I heard, but I thought it was a joke.
Come on.
Nah, I can't.
Ha! More for me.
[Snorts.]
Da-da-da, da-da-da.
Da, da.
I just wanted to catch up with you and talk.
It's good to see you anyway.
You know what I was thinking about on the way up from Phoenix? I was thinking about that time we went to Sioux City, and we picked up that little Indian broad, we took her back Ah.
We took-- [snoring.]
How is that even possible? Good morning, bright eyes.
Oh, my God.
How are you awake? [Chuckles.]
Wait.
Is that my robe? Yeah, it looks good, huh? [Chuckling.]
Yeah.
Oh.
We got a big day today.
You're gonna make some calls for me.
You're gonna call the comedy store and get me a spot.
Yes.
Doing that.
And you won't be sorry.
You should've seen me last week at Bogart's.
I killed.
I forgot about that place.
Does that redhead still run that place? Bridey with the weird laugh.
And the worst tramp stamp I've ever seen -- both: Papa smurf smoking a bong.
What is that? [Laughing.]
Yeah, the smurfs.
Come on.
They're in 3-d now.
Whoa! Carb city -- population you.
Geez, Marc.
I just went smoothie-shopping yesterday.
Come on, Kyle.
Quit acting like an idiot.
Bobby, this is Kyle, my assistant.
This is Bobby.
He's a comic.
He's gonna be staying here a bit.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, cool.
Hey, Bobby.
Wow, so -- so this is like Marc's old posse meets the 2.
0 version, right? [Chuckles.]
Marc and I are actually pretty tight.
I'm kind of like -- Go down to the store.
Get me a six pack of beer, some rolling papers, a tube of brylcreem -- get yourself one, also -- some black dress socks, and some razors.
I got to look good tonight.
I don't want a dry eye or a dry pair of panties at the place.
Y-you know, Bobby, these mainstream clubs aren't the make-or-break places they used to be.
Hey, you pussying out on our deal? No, man.
I'm -- I'm just trying to manage expectations.
Maron, you just get me the spot and let me do the rest, okay? Back already? That was quick.
What? No.
No, I-I haven't left yet.
I just needed to grab some money for theThings.
[Sighs.]
This generation -- always looking for a handout.
Get out of here! Ow.
Get out of here.
Where'd you find this kid? He just showed up one day.
It's always bad when somebody just shows up.
[Laughter.]
Marc: All right, this is it -- main room at The Comedy Store, Bobby.
I hope it's everything you dreamed it would be.
I'm ready.
Yeah, are you? This is where legends were made -- Dice, Pryor.
Yes.
All of them.
That was back in the day, though.
Oh, look at this.
I got to get ready.
No, I'm good.
I'm good.
[Snorts.]
Ahh.
You ready? How do I look? Oh, you're good.
You're clean.
It's gonna be like stealing.
All right, I've heard a lot about this guy, and I never really knew he actually existed.
Give it up for the living legend, Bobby Mendez! [Cheers and applause.]
Good to see you.
Keep it going one more time for Ahmed Ahmed.
How's it going, man? You know the toughest thing about this job? What? Is pretending that it doesn't suck.
I know.
I know.
Even she's scared of the guy's dick.
You can see the director looking at her, going, "touch it.
Touch it.
" And she's like "I ain't touching that.
" They're all looking at me like, "listen, man.
This is it.
We want our money back.
" I'm like, "hey, it was an investment.
What the hell?" That's it? Nothing? That's the best you guys got for me? I'm up here, dying up here, giving you my heart, and that's the best you got? Let me tell you something, when I do my HBO special, I want the same 12 people coming here, because I don't want no laughter.
I just want you to stare at me, and I'll stare back at you.
All right, thank you.
Have a good night.
[Scattered applause.]
What is this bullshit? What? It's Friday.
Where is everybody? I told you -- these big rooms don't have cache anymore.
Everything's gone niche, Bobby.
Listen, I didn't get a new pair of socks and an eightball to hear you pontificate on the state of comedy.
Yeah.
This is your town, right? Yeah.
Take me to a good room.
Oh, my God.
All right, okay.
What are we doing here? I told you I already have blow.
This is the show, all right? I texted the kid who runs the thing, and you're going on in 20 minutes.
It's a house, Marc.
Look, man, trust me.
It's a thing, all right? I've done sets here before.
I did a set in a taco stand last week, man.
Look, it's packed.
So is the shitter at Dodger Stadium.
You don't see me doing sets there, do you? They both have their own euphemisms, right? I could combine them -- I could be like, "aunt flow's coming to town on the 420 train.
" [Laughter.]
But that's awful.
That's not good.
I shouldn't say that.
Bobby: Kept looking at me, I'm looking at him, he's looking at me.
Finally, I said, "the hell with it.
You want to blast?" Put on his little tooth, and he just -- phew! -- Took off and smoking a cigarette You know what? Screw this.
You guys don't want to hear this.
Do me a favor, all right? Go home, write your little screenplay, suck a bag of dicks, and die! Good night.
Thank you, buddy.
Okay, well, you know, in comedy parlance when somebody does really well, we say they murdered.
I think that guy literally might have murdered.
[Laughter.]
What's next? A set at Chuck E.
Cheese? This crowd was ready to laugh.
If you can't adapt, that's on you, man.
Hey, Marc Maron.
Hey, Jon.
What's up, buddy? How you doing? What's going on? Nice to see you.
[Chuckling.]
Hey.
Holy shit.
Bobby Mendez.
Jesus.
What's going on? Oh, my God.
Good luck with this crowd.
Oh, no, I'm just here to check out a couple of comics with talent deals.
I mostly work as a TV producer now.
Yeah, we were just taking off, man.
It's good to see you.
Oh, absolutely.
What a coincidence.
Marky Marc and I were just talking some TV shit, and we have an idea about that guy that did the thing.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You liked it.
Yeah.
Well, you know, it's really in the embryonic stages, butYeah.
Okay.
Well, you know, we could sit down and have a spitball sesh.
Call my office.
We'll be there.
Seriously, this idea is gonna make "Friends" look like a bunch of espresso-sipping jerk-offs.
All right, cool.
Well, I'm gonna grab a seat.
All right.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing, man? Jon's a busy guy.
Marc, what, are you getting soft on me? We had an agreement, remember? Yeah, all right.
Let's go.
Bob catches a bird mid-flight in his claws What are you doing? Don't do coke in here.
Are you nuts? It's Hollywood.
It's practically required.
Besides, I got to get in the zone.
Oh, my God.
[Snorts.]
Sorry about the wait, guys.
My kid's middle-school teacher had to tell me all about her pilot idea.
[Chuckles.]
You know how it is.
Yeah.
Anyway [Groans.]
look at this.
We're all back together.
It's like the old days.
Yeah, if this were a diner and it were 3:00 A.
M.
And we were broke, it'd be exactly like old times.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, let's cut the bullshit, all right? Here's the pitch.
There's this guy -- let's call him Bruce -- does 18 months on some bullshit drug charge, gets out, goes to work for his idiot nephew at some porn shop.
While he's there, he's dating a stripper.
The stripper's turning tricks on the side -- okay, I -- I got to stop you.
It sounds a little raw for network television.
But here's the winner right here.
Here's the whole network ba-bam.
She gives the HIV to like eight guys.
They throw her in jail.
Bruce and the nephew have to bust her out of jail.
They get shot -- boom -- end of season -- pilot, the whole thing.
Huh? I don't know what to say Other than thank you, Marc.
Yeah.
Bobby, good to see you.
Good to see you.
Marc, anything on, uh, "hobo roommate"? Yeah.
I'm living it.
[Salsa music blaring.]
Are you kidding me? [Sighs.]
Hey, shut that off, man! What the hell is going on, man? [Music stops.]
It's 3:00 in the morning.
Exactly.
And since you pussied out on celebrating with me, I went out and made new friends.
What are you celebrating? The meeting was a disaster.
I want these people out of my house, Bobby.
Marc, relax.
This is a business meeting here.
Addie did a few episodes of "Quantum Leap.
" Tell him.
Kyle: I don't care what WebMD says.
My pupils are way too dilated.
I mean, I barely have any irises left.
Look.
Oh, hey, Marc.
[Sniffles.]
[Sneezes.]
Bless you.
[Addie snorts.]
[Sighs.]
What's up with my jaw? Can a person give themselves tmj? You gave the kid blow? Oh, man, am I gonna have to go to rehab? All right, look, we got to talk over here now.
Wait, you guys, hold it.
Do you hear that? Addie: What? My heart.
Can everyone hear my heart? You really know how to shit on a good party.
What's up your ass? That kid's an innocent.
He's never had anything stronger than beer.
[Music resumes.]
You're giving him blow?! Look at him.
He'll be fine.
He's having a good time.
Listen, you just need a little face time with Addie.
Wait, is she the trans or the other one? No, it doesn't matter, all right? I'm tired of this shit, okay? If you want to call me out for the joke thing, fine.
Knock yourself out.
You don't think I will? I will call you out like a little b-- [coughing and wheezing.]
Oh, man.
What's going on? What's going on? What's happening? [Coughing, gagging.]
You all right? [Coughs.]
I'll be fine.
This happens sometimes.
[Coughs.]
I got to get my medicine.
You got medicine? Yeah.
I got a little medicine or something.
Oh.
Little, little something for the head.
[Snorts, sighs.]
See? I'm back.
I got my color.
[Mutters.]
Unbelievable.
All right, that's it.
Party's over.
Everybody out.
Come on.
Let's go, people.
See you around, prick.
All right, great.
Sweet.
Uh, uh, very nice.
Right.
All right.
Good.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not you, scarface.
Oh, yeah, right.
Okay, I'll stay.
You want to play Monopoly or something? Hell no.
I want to go to bed.
Okay.
Um, but If -- if I end up O.
D.
ing tonight, don't tell my mom I died a junkie.
[Sighs.]
One round.
I'll get the board! I'm the thimble.
Kyle: I got it! [Birds chirping.]
Uh-huh.
Hey, Bobby, I really got to talk to you abou-- hold on.
It's Groff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm in.
All right.
No worries.
Okay.
No go, huh? Sorry, man.
Nah, Groff said he pitched it to the network, and they loved it.
What?! He said that the brass thinks my persona fits some crazy Twitter thing they own called "crap your crazy uncle yells.
" They want to do a developmental meeting.
That's amazing! When? Tomorrow, but I don't know, man.
What do you mean? Ah, they want me to come up with an outline.
They want me to go to a few meetings.
I don't want to jump through a bunch of bullshit hoops, man.
Come on, Bobby, I mean, some people wait their entire life for this opportunity, and it happened for you in like a few days.
Hey, I got to do the Store.
I got to do a few meetings.
I got to dip my dick in some top-shelf tail.
Wow, you really don't remember last night, do you? The point is, I did the Hollywood thing, and you can have it, Marky Marc.
I got to get out of here.
I got a sold-out show at Dr.
Giggles in Carson city anyway.
Okay, you got to do what you got to do.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
What? Oh.
All right, okay.
That's it? That's it.
So, Bobby, are we cool? Yeah, we're cool, man.
No, I mean with the joke thing.
Again with the joke? It's just that, like, in that moment, I thought I thought of something, and it turns out I remembered it and then I remembered that too late and now I can't take it back forever.
Jesus Christ.
Marc.
You're killing yourself with this thing.
I haven't done that bit in years.
You can have it.
No, I-I don't want the bit.
I just made a mistake, and I just want to make it right.
We're square, all right? You're killing yourself with this thing.
Life's too short, man.
All right.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
It's good seeing you, man.
And, hey, congrats on the sobriety, all right? Pussy.
[Laughs.]
All right.
I'll see you next time.
All right, take care.
Thanks, Bobby.
But it's weird -- when you make a mistake and you admit to it, honesty is horrendous.
Honesty is not the best policy.
You know why? Because when you're honest, you'll feel like shit for at least a month.
[Laughter.]
You know how people say, like, "really, you just got to get it off your chest"? And then what? Beat the shit out of myself for a year or two? Exactly.
Even if the guy forgives you, like, "it's okay, man.
" You're like, "no, don't worry.
I got this.
"I will beat the shit out of myself and punish myself for the rest of my life.
"I appreciate you forgiving me, but, uh, I'm just gonna integrate my shame into my personality.
" [Laughter.]
I don't know if I'm entertaining.
[Laughter.]
Like, I think I'm compelling, but I'm not sure I'm everyone's idea of a night out.
You know what I mean? Like if -- if you had paid for this show and witnessed this, like, would you leave, like, saying, "that guy sucked"? I don't think so.
I think you'd probably leave saying, like, "I hope that guy's okay.
" [Laughter.]
All right, so, what's new with Marc Maron? That's it? That's the question? What, do you want to nap through this? I can interview myself.
Where you at, Conan? We good? [Laughs.]
I'm sorry.
I did the best I could.
All right.
No, no, hey, everything's going pretty good.
I was actually on the cover of my college alumni magazine.
Really?! Yes, and that was oddly vindicating.
I can't even imagine you in school.
Were you this angry back then? [Laughter.]
I think I was more angry, because back then, I was all hopped up on coke and I had a flock of seagulls haircut.
[Laughter.]
Didn't make anything any easier.
Well, you couldn't get away with that today.
There's some school in Missouri -- they're gonna start drug-testing college students.
Yeah, that actually seems unconstitutional.
Not only is it unconstitutional, I think it's cheating.
I mean, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win, right? [Laughter.]
[Laughing.]
That's a really good point.
Okay, on that note, we'll take a break.
More with Marc Maron in just a second.
Stick around.
[Upbeat music plays.]
Hey, Marc, it's going great.
Is it? Absolutely.
This is the best I've ever seen you.
That drug-testing line was hysterical.
Yeah, just, uh -- just popped into my head.
Thataboy.
Improv, right? Yeah? Get that brain moving.
Keep it up.
You're doing great.
[Chuckles.]
How you doing, man? I wish I was dead.
["The poisoned well" plays.]
Won't fall for it you can't see and you can't tell I just can't drink from the poisoned well [Sighs.]
And he-e-e-re's Marky! How was "Conan"? It was okay.
I don't know.
I'm tired, man.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, um, I cleaned your mikes and booked your ticket for Bumbershoot.
And for your meeting tomorrow with Jon Groff, I put out your navy v-neck with vintage cords.
Jesus Christ.
Would you stop laying out my clothes? It's weird, man.
Sorry.
[Sighs.]
Forgot about that meeting, man.
I didn't prepare shit.
Bring me.
I've got tons of TV ideas.
Like, there's this one about me and my buddies trying to make it in L.
A -- get out.
Okay.
[Water running.]
Marc: Oh, shit! I'm telling you, it's not my joke, all right? I don't know whose it is, but -- but I can hear someone else doing it in my head.
We got to cut it, man! We got to -- It's too late.
The show already ran on the east coast.
Oh, shit.
Look, this thing happens all the time.
No one is gonna notice.
I mean, have you heard anything from anybody yet? No.
Exactly.
No one is going to notice.
Okay.
Okay.
You're probably right.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, you be-- bottom line -- you were great, all right? Relax! [Cellphone thuds.]
[Sighs.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, I would ask you if you miss doing stand-up, but I think I can guess the answer to that.
[Chuckles.]
Man, this is long overdue, huh? Yes.
I was just talking to the network suits, too, about how you rocked "Conan" last night.
Oh, wow.
Thanks, man.
That was great.
Thanks.
Yeah.
What part? Uh, the ice-cream bit.
Oh, good.
Yeah, thanks.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was really funny.
And, uh, the drug-testing line.
Hilarious.
Yeah, right.
Uh, I'm surprised I'm even on their radar.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
And, honestly, we would love to develop something with you if you have any, like, you know, arenas that you're kicking around.
Yeah.
I have some arenas.
I know it sounds idiotic, okay? But the network has actually purchased the rights to a bunch of hot Twitter feeds.
Come on.
No, honestly, you know, they're just sort of food for thought.
See what you think.
Do you respond to any of those? "Hobo roommate"? No.
"Pets who want to kill themselves.
" Now, like, how do I fit into that? What, am I a pet owner, a concerned pet owner? "Don't do it!" What is that? Maybe.
Uh, "zombie dating tips.
" Come on, Jon.
Look, I know it sounds horrible, but it just really -- it's just kind of to get you thinking, okay? I got a feeling this wasn't how "The Wire" was made.
Do me a favor, though? What? Just take another look at "hobo roommate.
" All right, I'll think about "hobo roommate.
" You know, just use it as a jumping-off point, you know? I'm -- I'm jumping, Jon.
I'm jumping.
Bill: So, right in the middle of my bit, I look out and there's some jerk-off in the crowd filming me with his iPhone -- the exact thing they just said not to do.
Yeah, the -- the filming thing's got completely out of hand, man.
It's sad.
It's just, like, another thing comics have to reckon with, you know? Like -- like getting bumped or hecklers or Exactly.
joke thieves, bachelorette parties.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, dude.
I mean, come on, joke thieves? Yeah.
That -- that's a whole different animal, man.
I mean, personally, I think those guys ought to be dragged out in the street and shot.
Yeah.
Dude, I-I mean, I don't want to be corny or anything, but I-I hold you in such high esteem that you actually had the balls to hold certain comics' feet to the fire right in this very garage, man, you know? And I speak for a lot of comics, man, where we're so glad somebody said something, dude.
We -- we really consider you -- you're like the Eliot Ness of -- of the joke police.
Nah, you know -- look.
You know, I always say that, you know, comics -- they're gonna hear like thousands of jokes in their lifetime, and, yeah, eventually, they're probably gonna do someone else's joke once at some point, you know? No, I-I don't think I ever heard you say that.
You all right, dude? You -- you seem miserable -- more than usual, I mean.
[Sighs.]
Well All right, l-listen.
I-I was ad-libbing on "Conan" the other night, all right? So, I do this riff about drug testing being cheating, because, like -- "if -- if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, then I win.
" And I just have this Nagging feeling of guilt that that might be somebody else's joke, right? Yeah, man.
I'm being paranoid, right? No, you're being a piece of shit.
That's a Bobby Mendez bit.
God damn it! [Chuckling.]
Yeah.
Aw, man.
I knew it felt weird, you know? I haven't seen that guy in years, but, like, I don't know what to do about it now.
Well, the old road dog just got out of jail.
I'm sure he's out there somewhere working the clubs as you're back here in L.
A.
getting fat, dining on his old bits.
Jesus, Marc, that's bad.
Oh, that's right.
He was in jail.
I just -- oh, my God.
Ah, dude, I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm sure it won't get back to him.
He's probably actually writing some new material right now that you can later on steal, right? It was an accident, man.
[Chuckles.]
That's what every joke thief says.
Sleep well tonight, sticky fingers.
It was an accident, though.
[Knock on door.]
[Knock on door.]
Marky Marc, it's me.
Holy shit.
Open the door.
[Sighs.]
Marky Marc, what took you so long? Bobby, hey.
Not bad.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
If you got some of your neighbors deported, this place might be worth a little something, huh? This is a blast from the past, man.
Oh, you sleeping? Yeah, it's the middle of the night.
Oh.
I was in the neighborhood -- Phoenix.
You know what I heard? Some of my friends told me you were on "Conan" and you absolutely killed.
Yeah, I-I-I know what you're getting at, man.
And, look, I want to apologize, all right? It just came out, Bobby.
I-I-I -- I'm just breaking your balls, all right? You were on national TV, everybody's watching.
I know how it is.
Well, I don't know how it is.
Conan's never had me on.
But I do know one thing -- I know that you're a fair guy, and you would never ever, ever, ever screw over another comic.
I know that you're gonna make this right, you'll take care of me, so I'm not worried about it.
All right, all right.
Thanks, man.
Anyway [Sighs.]
you know, I was thinking, I've done a lot of time on the road.
I did some time in jail.
Maybe I should give this little Hollywood thing a go -- with your jedi guidance, of course.
Right.
Ok-- right.
Get me a couple of comedy-club gigs, maybe hook me up with some of your jewball buddies for coffee.
I don't know about that.
I'll put the yarmulke on.
I don't know about that, but, yeah, I'll try to help you out.
And I'm gonna need a place to crash.
Uh-huh.
What do you think? You know what? I can make this Bobby HQ for a few weeks, you follow me? Until I get my little stabbing cabin up in the hills -- nice like a doctor.
[Laughs.]
All right, well, y-y-you know, that couch doesn't even pull out, man.
Who cares about the couch? I'll sleep on the bed with you.
Nice and comfy, ass to ass.
Yeah.
No-- just like my stint in prison.
I-I'm not comfortable with that.
I -- I'm just kidding you.
The couch would be great, all right? And just to show you it's not all "take, take, take, take, take" Uh-huh.
ba-bam! Oh, yeah.
The fruit of the gods, huh? Yeah.
Look at this.
[Snorts.]
Yeah.
Bam ba-ba-bam ba-bam-bam.
Oh, yeah.
Look what I got for you.
Look.
No, no, no.
[Makes train noise.]
Open up for uncle.
No, thanks.
Open up for uncle Bobby.
I've been sober 13 years, man.
I can't.
I heard, but I thought it was a joke.
Come on.
Nah, I can't.
Ha! More for me.
[Snorts.]
Da-da-da, da-da-da.
Da, da.
I just wanted to catch up with you and talk.
It's good to see you anyway.
You know what I was thinking about on the way up from Phoenix? I was thinking about that time we went to Sioux City, and we picked up that little Indian broad, we took her back Ah.
We took-- [snoring.]
How is that even possible? Good morning, bright eyes.
Oh, my God.
How are you awake? [Chuckles.]
Wait.
Is that my robe? Yeah, it looks good, huh? [Chuckling.]
Yeah.
Oh.
We got a big day today.
You're gonna make some calls for me.
You're gonna call the comedy store and get me a spot.
Yes.
Doing that.
And you won't be sorry.
You should've seen me last week at Bogart's.
I killed.
I forgot about that place.
Does that redhead still run that place? Bridey with the weird laugh.
And the worst tramp stamp I've ever seen -- both: Papa smurf smoking a bong.
What is that? [Laughing.]
Yeah, the smurfs.
Come on.
They're in 3-d now.
Whoa! Carb city -- population you.
Geez, Marc.
I just went smoothie-shopping yesterday.
Come on, Kyle.
Quit acting like an idiot.
Bobby, this is Kyle, my assistant.
This is Bobby.
He's a comic.
He's gonna be staying here a bit.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, cool.
Hey, Bobby.
Wow, so -- so this is like Marc's old posse meets the 2.
0 version, right? [Chuckles.]
Marc and I are actually pretty tight.
I'm kind of like -- Go down to the store.
Get me a six pack of beer, some rolling papers, a tube of brylcreem -- get yourself one, also -- some black dress socks, and some razors.
I got to look good tonight.
I don't want a dry eye or a dry pair of panties at the place.
Y-you know, Bobby, these mainstream clubs aren't the make-or-break places they used to be.
Hey, you pussying out on our deal? No, man.
I'm -- I'm just trying to manage expectations.
Maron, you just get me the spot and let me do the rest, okay? Back already? That was quick.
What? No.
No, I-I haven't left yet.
I just needed to grab some money for theThings.
[Sighs.]
This generation -- always looking for a handout.
Get out of here! Ow.
Get out of here.
Where'd you find this kid? He just showed up one day.
It's always bad when somebody just shows up.
[Laughter.]
Marc: All right, this is it -- main room at The Comedy Store, Bobby.
I hope it's everything you dreamed it would be.
I'm ready.
Yeah, are you? This is where legends were made -- Dice, Pryor.
Yes.
All of them.
That was back in the day, though.
Oh, look at this.
I got to get ready.
No, I'm good.
I'm good.
[Snorts.]
Ahh.
You ready? How do I look? Oh, you're good.
You're clean.
It's gonna be like stealing.
All right, I've heard a lot about this guy, and I never really knew he actually existed.
Give it up for the living legend, Bobby Mendez! [Cheers and applause.]
Good to see you.
Keep it going one more time for Ahmed Ahmed.
How's it going, man? You know the toughest thing about this job? What? Is pretending that it doesn't suck.
I know.
I know.
Even she's scared of the guy's dick.
You can see the director looking at her, going, "touch it.
Touch it.
" And she's like "I ain't touching that.
" They're all looking at me like, "listen, man.
This is it.
We want our money back.
" I'm like, "hey, it was an investment.
What the hell?" That's it? Nothing? That's the best you guys got for me? I'm up here, dying up here, giving you my heart, and that's the best you got? Let me tell you something, when I do my HBO special, I want the same 12 people coming here, because I don't want no laughter.
I just want you to stare at me, and I'll stare back at you.
All right, thank you.
Have a good night.
[Scattered applause.]
What is this bullshit? What? It's Friday.
Where is everybody? I told you -- these big rooms don't have cache anymore.
Everything's gone niche, Bobby.
Listen, I didn't get a new pair of socks and an eightball to hear you pontificate on the state of comedy.
Yeah.
This is your town, right? Yeah.
Take me to a good room.
Oh, my God.
All right, okay.
What are we doing here? I told you I already have blow.
This is the show, all right? I texted the kid who runs the thing, and you're going on in 20 minutes.
It's a house, Marc.
Look, man, trust me.
It's a thing, all right? I've done sets here before.
I did a set in a taco stand last week, man.
Look, it's packed.
So is the shitter at Dodger Stadium.
You don't see me doing sets there, do you? They both have their own euphemisms, right? I could combine them -- I could be like, "aunt flow's coming to town on the 420 train.
" [Laughter.]
But that's awful.
That's not good.
I shouldn't say that.
Bobby: Kept looking at me, I'm looking at him, he's looking at me.
Finally, I said, "the hell with it.
You want to blast?" Put on his little tooth, and he just -- phew! -- Took off and smoking a cigarette You know what? Screw this.
You guys don't want to hear this.
Do me a favor, all right? Go home, write your little screenplay, suck a bag of dicks, and die! Good night.
Thank you, buddy.
Okay, well, you know, in comedy parlance when somebody does really well, we say they murdered.
I think that guy literally might have murdered.
[Laughter.]
What's next? A set at Chuck E.
Cheese? This crowd was ready to laugh.
If you can't adapt, that's on you, man.
Hey, Marc Maron.
Hey, Jon.
What's up, buddy? How you doing? What's going on? Nice to see you.
[Chuckling.]
Hey.
Holy shit.
Bobby Mendez.
Jesus.
What's going on? Oh, my God.
Good luck with this crowd.
Oh, no, I'm just here to check out a couple of comics with talent deals.
I mostly work as a TV producer now.
Yeah, we were just taking off, man.
It's good to see you.
Oh, absolutely.
What a coincidence.
Marky Marc and I were just talking some TV shit, and we have an idea about that guy that did the thing.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You liked it.
Yeah.
Well, you know, it's really in the embryonic stages, butYeah.
Okay.
Well, you know, we could sit down and have a spitball sesh.
Call my office.
We'll be there.
Seriously, this idea is gonna make "Friends" look like a bunch of espresso-sipping jerk-offs.
All right, cool.
Well, I'm gonna grab a seat.
All right.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing, man? Jon's a busy guy.
Marc, what, are you getting soft on me? We had an agreement, remember? Yeah, all right.
Let's go.
Bob catches a bird mid-flight in his claws What are you doing? Don't do coke in here.
Are you nuts? It's Hollywood.
It's practically required.
Besides, I got to get in the zone.
Oh, my God.
[Snorts.]
Sorry about the wait, guys.
My kid's middle-school teacher had to tell me all about her pilot idea.
[Chuckles.]
You know how it is.
Yeah.
Anyway [Groans.]
look at this.
We're all back together.
It's like the old days.
Yeah, if this were a diner and it were 3:00 A.
M.
And we were broke, it'd be exactly like old times.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, let's cut the bullshit, all right? Here's the pitch.
There's this guy -- let's call him Bruce -- does 18 months on some bullshit drug charge, gets out, goes to work for his idiot nephew at some porn shop.
While he's there, he's dating a stripper.
The stripper's turning tricks on the side -- okay, I -- I got to stop you.
It sounds a little raw for network television.
But here's the winner right here.
Here's the whole network ba-bam.
She gives the HIV to like eight guys.
They throw her in jail.
Bruce and the nephew have to bust her out of jail.
They get shot -- boom -- end of season -- pilot, the whole thing.
Huh? I don't know what to say Other than thank you, Marc.
Yeah.
Bobby, good to see you.
Good to see you.
Marc, anything on, uh, "hobo roommate"? Yeah.
I'm living it.
[Salsa music blaring.]
Are you kidding me? [Sighs.]
Hey, shut that off, man! What the hell is going on, man? [Music stops.]
It's 3:00 in the morning.
Exactly.
And since you pussied out on celebrating with me, I went out and made new friends.
What are you celebrating? The meeting was a disaster.
I want these people out of my house, Bobby.
Marc, relax.
This is a business meeting here.
Addie did a few episodes of "Quantum Leap.
" Tell him.
Kyle: I don't care what WebMD says.
My pupils are way too dilated.
I mean, I barely have any irises left.
Look.
Oh, hey, Marc.
[Sniffles.]
[Sneezes.]
Bless you.
[Addie snorts.]
[Sighs.]
What's up with my jaw? Can a person give themselves tmj? You gave the kid blow? Oh, man, am I gonna have to go to rehab? All right, look, we got to talk over here now.
Wait, you guys, hold it.
Do you hear that? Addie: What? My heart.
Can everyone hear my heart? You really know how to shit on a good party.
What's up your ass? That kid's an innocent.
He's never had anything stronger than beer.
[Music resumes.]
You're giving him blow?! Look at him.
He'll be fine.
He's having a good time.
Listen, you just need a little face time with Addie.
Wait, is she the trans or the other one? No, it doesn't matter, all right? I'm tired of this shit, okay? If you want to call me out for the joke thing, fine.
Knock yourself out.
You don't think I will? I will call you out like a little b-- [coughing and wheezing.]
Oh, man.
What's going on? What's going on? What's happening? [Coughing, gagging.]
You all right? [Coughs.]
I'll be fine.
This happens sometimes.
[Coughs.]
I got to get my medicine.
You got medicine? Yeah.
I got a little medicine or something.
Oh.
Little, little something for the head.
[Snorts, sighs.]
See? I'm back.
I got my color.
[Mutters.]
Unbelievable.
All right, that's it.
Party's over.
Everybody out.
Come on.
Let's go, people.
See you around, prick.
All right, great.
Sweet.
Uh, uh, very nice.
Right.
All right.
Good.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not you, scarface.
Oh, yeah, right.
Okay, I'll stay.
You want to play Monopoly or something? Hell no.
I want to go to bed.
Okay.
Um, but If -- if I end up O.
D.
ing tonight, don't tell my mom I died a junkie.
[Sighs.]
One round.
I'll get the board! I'm the thimble.
Kyle: I got it! [Birds chirping.]
Uh-huh.
Hey, Bobby, I really got to talk to you abou-- hold on.
It's Groff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm in.
All right.
No worries.
Okay.
No go, huh? Sorry, man.
Nah, Groff said he pitched it to the network, and they loved it.
What?! He said that the brass thinks my persona fits some crazy Twitter thing they own called "crap your crazy uncle yells.
" They want to do a developmental meeting.
That's amazing! When? Tomorrow, but I don't know, man.
What do you mean? Ah, they want me to come up with an outline.
They want me to go to a few meetings.
I don't want to jump through a bunch of bullshit hoops, man.
Come on, Bobby, I mean, some people wait their entire life for this opportunity, and it happened for you in like a few days.
Hey, I got to do the Store.
I got to do a few meetings.
I got to dip my dick in some top-shelf tail.
Wow, you really don't remember last night, do you? The point is, I did the Hollywood thing, and you can have it, Marky Marc.
I got to get out of here.
I got a sold-out show at Dr.
Giggles in Carson city anyway.
Okay, you got to do what you got to do.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
What? Oh.
All right, okay.
That's it? That's it.
So, Bobby, are we cool? Yeah, we're cool, man.
No, I mean with the joke thing.
Again with the joke? It's just that, like, in that moment, I thought I thought of something, and it turns out I remembered it and then I remembered that too late and now I can't take it back forever.
Jesus Christ.
Marc.
You're killing yourself with this thing.
I haven't done that bit in years.
You can have it.
No, I-I don't want the bit.
I just made a mistake, and I just want to make it right.
We're square, all right? You're killing yourself with this thing.
Life's too short, man.
All right.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
It's good seeing you, man.
And, hey, congrats on the sobriety, all right? Pussy.
[Laughs.]
All right.
I'll see you next time.
All right, take care.
Thanks, Bobby.
But it's weird -- when you make a mistake and you admit to it, honesty is horrendous.
Honesty is not the best policy.
You know why? Because when you're honest, you'll feel like shit for at least a month.
[Laughter.]
You know how people say, like, "really, you just got to get it off your chest"? And then what? Beat the shit out of myself for a year or two? Exactly.
Even if the guy forgives you, like, "it's okay, man.
" You're like, "no, don't worry.
I got this.
"I will beat the shit out of myself and punish myself for the rest of my life.
"I appreciate you forgiving me, but, uh, I'm just gonna integrate my shame into my personality.
" [Laughter.]
I don't know if I'm entertaining.
[Laughter.]
Like, I think I'm compelling, but I'm not sure I'm everyone's idea of a night out.
You know what I mean? Like if -- if you had paid for this show and witnessed this, like, would you leave, like, saying, "that guy sucked"? I don't think so.
I think you'd probably leave saying, like, "I hope that guy's okay.
" [Laughter.]