My Family (2000) s02e12 Episode Script

OK, just relax and sit back.
Let's take a little look.
Now, open wide.
- (Whimpering) - Mr Henshaw, I can't check your teeth until I can see them.
I'm scared.
I don't like pain.
Mr Henshaw, I've been a dentist 20 years and the only person who's suffered as result is me.
- Another joke? - Sadly, no.
Ah.
- Miss, er, could you - I've already done it.
- Done what? - You're doing a root canal so you need lignocaine for the pain.
- What?! - That's the next patient.
No, there isn't one, although a gentleman wants to see you.
Ben Harper! Am I disturbing? I don't want to disturb.
- Ah - (Miming) - Andy Banks? - One and the same! Bet you thought you'd never see me again.
More of a wish than a thought.
Erm Sorry, why are you here? Just dropping by.
Your Christmas card said to drop by if I was in London.
Yours said have a nice Christmas but I didn't have one.
- Hello? New girl? - My name's Laura.
If you're here tomorrow, I'll learn it.
Can you The excavator and the files.
Already on the tray.
Oh Thank you.
- Are you wondering how I am? - Not really.
Great.
Just sold a string of companies, ploughed the money into the stock market.
So what have you been doing all these years? I'm a dentist.
The drill normally gives me away.
Bet that can do some damage.
Bzzzzzz.
- Aaaargh! - All right, Mr Henshaw.
My friend is just leaving.
- No, I'll be around all week.
- Leaving my surgery Oh, I get it.
You're "working".
We can catch up at dinner tonight.
- I thought we just had.
- Is tonight not good? - Sorry.
Dental conference.
- No, that's next month.
- No, the other thing.
- Cancelled.
- The important thing.
- You weren't invited.
The thing you know nothing about.
Well, you're obviously busy, but it's a pity, because my Well, my wife's going in for surgery.
I wanted her to meet you before she went under the knife.
- Oh, is it serious? - What surgery isn't? - Ohhh! - It's all right, Mr Henshaw.
So are you on for dinner, then? Well, I need to check with my wife.
Great! I'll see you tonight.
Bzzzzz.
Oh, seems like a nice chap.
Yes.
Well, why don't you have dinner with him? Hmm? Good.
'The museum closes in one hour.
' (Translates into Russian) - (Door slamming) - Mum? 'The museum closes in one hour.
' (Translates into Russian) What are you doing? Learning Russian for a tour group next week.
That's great.
How do you say, "Will you buy me Prada shoes?" in Russian? Let me see Ah, here it is.
Niet! (Reciting in Russian) When did I last ask you for anything? Today at breakfast.
You wanted an omelette and a car.
And did I get either? Niet.
If you asked me for something, I'd gladly get it.
- Help me make dinner.
- Then I get the shoes? - Then you get to eat.
- After we eat, I get the shoes? Janey, I'm too tired for this.
Good.
Give in.
'Where's the nearest toilet? ' Through the hall, to the left.
(Translation into Russian on tape) Sorry, could you Could you speak in English? 'The bus leaves in half an hour.
' (Translation into Russian on tape) - Hi, Nick.
- Shhh I think we have a ghost.
And it needs to use the toilet.
'The information desk.
' - (Translation into Russian on tape) - (Tape stops) I knew that.
Guess what happened to me today.
Your friend, Andy, called in, his wife's having surgery and we're having dinner tonight.
Ah, I see my new uber-assistant has been phoning you.
Her efficiency is killing me.
- She's marvellous.
- She's fired.
I almost learnt her name, too.
- Can we get a takeaway? - No, I'm making borscht.
A tasty Russian soup of beetroot and sour cream.
Isn't borscht the sound you make after eating it? If I have to suffer, so do you.
Honestly.
If I thought you meant that, I'd never cook again.
Come on, Dad.
Open goal.
(Mouthing) I'd rather eat borscht than go out with Andy Banks.
He's a friend.
He's on our Christmas card list.
So's the paper boy but I've never eaten with him.
- Let's just cancel.
- I don't often meet your friends.
- He hasn't got any.
- I have lots.
Just none I like.
So this so-called friend, how did you meet? The no-friends club? No, at school.
I stopped a group of kids beating him up.
- My hero.
- I rushed to hit him myself, but missed.
Hit someone else by mistake, the gang dispersed.
He thanked me and I went along with it.
We're not backing out.
His wife's ill and he needs you.
Why do I have to be miserable, too? Shared misery is what friendship is all about.
Funny.
I thought that's what marriage was.
See anything you like? On the menu.
Yes, I was just admiring Looking at the oak-roasted sea bass.
Yes, I know which dish you were checking out.
I must say, Ambyr, you look very well for someone who's in London.
For goodness sake.
This operation, what is it for? I'm having a mole removed from my bottom.
Oh, I hope it's not serious.
I'm afraid it is.
It ruins the perfect curve of her peachy buttocks.
Ohhh Oh, rack of lamb looks good.
Too bad you're a dentist.
You could have operated.
Oh, yeah! Er, no I always wanted to be a dentist, Ben.
- I ended up a multimillionaire.
- Tough break.
You're out there doing something.
I just sit around the pool watching my money make money.
Oh, look, Ben.
Hard cheese.
You know, you're right, Andy.
When you're at the top of your profession, as I am I mean, my patients tend to treat me as a god, as I have the power of life and death.
Over their teeth.
You must have some wonderful stories.
Yes, his spit cup runneth over.
Susan's learning Russian.
Spotlight on you.
- Russian? Is that right? - Da.
Wow, that's fantastic! Learning a new language improves oneself.
I'm all for self-improvement.
Take my breasts, for instance.
Where? W-what? lmplants.
I got them last year.
Our wives are so similar.
Aren't they? Amazing.
My wife's learning Russian, yours has breast implants.
- Have you not had any work done? - Oh, I have.
- I'm actually 109.
- There was that thing with your eyes.
- What thing? - Couple of years ago.
Crow's feet.
She stopped smiling for a week to avoid wrinkles.
That wasn't actually the reason.
- I've had a bit of work done.
- (Ben) No! Yeah, on the old wedding tackle.
Andy has the penis of a 20-year-old.
Doesn't he want it back? Your husband is something, isn't he? He's something all right.
You get what you pay for.
Take those babies.
- What do you think? - I think they're f Do they come separately or as a set? A set.
They were an anniversary present.
How romantic.
All I got was a sandwich maker.
Would you like to touch them? I'll wait for dessert.
- Ben? - No Could do I couldn't! Go on.
Give them a good squeeze.
- I don't mind.
- I'm not worried about you.
Oh, go on, Ben.
Don't be rude.
(Sighing) OK Do you need a couple more minutes? Mmmm! Ahhh.
Nothing like a nice home-cooked meal.
Why can't you lend me the money? Sorry, you failed the credit check.
Relax.
I know where you can get some easy cash.
You just sell your organs.
I said I'm not dating your idiot friend, Kyle.
No, over the internet.
I'm going to do it.
People need organs.
I've got 'em.
Law of supply and demand.
- Know what my kidney's worth? - No.
The going rate's L1,200.
Is that all? How about if I throw in my tonsils? And a key ring.
We'd better tidy up before they get home.
Wait a minute.
What do we do with that? - I'll dump it.
- Then she'll know we dumped it.
Or she'll think we liked it and make it again.
OK, we have to dump just enough to say we tried it, but our palates aren't yet ready for the wonders of beetroot.
How's that? Bit more.
- (Door slamming) - Why are you angry? What makes you think I'm angry? Children are home early.
I can't believe you touched her breasts.
- You told me to! - God, you are dense.
- Or is it that I can't read your mind? - Same thing.
They wanted a professional opinion.
Lucky they didn't ask you to check for cavities.
Believe me.
They didn't feel nearly as good as they looked.
I mean, you know - Do go on.
- I'd rather not.
Admit you'd prefer a 23-year-old with a perfect body.
Don't be ridiculous.
I don't want a perfect body.
I want you.
That sounded much better in my head before it came out.
- What a miserable pair.
- Your breasts are fine.
I was talking about Andy and Ambyr, but thanks for your vote of ambivalence.
If it makes you feel better, I had a worse evening than you.
Bloody Andy Banks! God.
Why did he end up with the Ferrari and the millions? And the swimsuit model.
I heard that nod.
I'm being serious, Susan.
The Andys of the world have all the luck.
At school, he was a pathetic loser.
There was me, good-looking, bright.
Well, you've both changed.
Life's so unfair.
Why do good things happen to bad people? Don't be so negative.
Bad things happen to good people.
What about me? I've worked hard.
What have I got? A nice home, three lively kids Oh, go on.
Rub it in.
Really, Ben.
Do you think Andy's happy? If he were any happier, he'd be in an asylum.
So why all the repairs on Ambyr? At my age, she'll have had so many facelifts, she'll have a beard.
- Then where will he be? - With another swimsuit model.
And in 50 years' time, he'll be dead.
So why don't you go to sleep and count your blessings? That's easy.
One - Oh, thank you, darling.
- Oh, sorry, two.
'The museum closes in one hour.
' (Translation into Russian on tape) - What are you doing? - You can learn while you sleep.
I can't.
I sleep when I sleep.
Shhh.
I'm working.
Da svidaniya.
Bless you.
' in half an hour.
' (Translation into Russian on tape) (Cassette still playing) 'The tour bus leaves at noon.
' (Translation into Russian on tape) - 'Please ' - (Janey) 'Buy Janey Prada shoes.
' 'Buy Janey Prada shoes.
' 'Buy Janey Prada shoes.
' 'Dad, if you're listening, let Janey stay out past midnight.
' (Whispering to himself) Oh, come on.
Do it.
Oh, come on.
What you doing? Phone aerobics? Just go away, Nick.
OK? I just got here.
I'm trying to prevent my life from going down the toilet.
That's going to be a long call.
Hello? Hello, Andy? Yeah.
Hi, hi.
It's Ben Harper.
Hey, how does this sound? "For sale.
One kidney, mint condition.
"Extra large capacity.
Runs like a dream.
- "One careful lady owner.
" - Lady? - Marketing, Michael.
- What are you doing? - I'm selling my kidney on eBay.
- That's nice, dear.
- You are, aren't you? - Who took the business section? What have I told you about reading at the table? - What should we do about Nick? - Ignore him.
You may be interested to hear he's selling his body parts.
Good.
We'll get him out the house bit by bit.
See? Dad supports me.
I won't have to when this share tip pays off.
- What share tip? - Andy gave me some inside information.
Apparently, Dynoblast is about to go through the roof.
My son's selling his body and my husband's gambling at 8.
15am.
This isn't gambling.
Dead cert.
Wanna tip? Don't do it.
If you want to invest, invest in me.
Nick Bits Online.
Susan, look.
I thought we'd start low.
L2,000, maybe L3,000 L2,000, yeah.
Where will you get L2,000? - Nick's college fund.
- I have a college fund? Ben, the college fund is for the world cruise.
- What about me? - You get seasick.
I was counting on that.
- You didn't know about it.
- I knew something'd turn up.
It's just L2,000.
What have we got to lose? - L2,000.
- Dynoblast is a good investment.
Penny shares could double or triple in a week.
Yes! See? Michael thinks it's a good idea.
- He's 13! - What are we talking about? - Money.
- Why didn't somebody call me? Sleep well, Mum? Yes, a very pleasant night, dreaming about your expression when I say no.
Patsy's parents bought her a pair.
They love her more than you love me.
Some people shower children with gifts and others with affection.
- Where does that leave me? - Without Prada shoes.
Dad? When Andy's tip pays off, you'll be wearing Prada feet.
- If Andy's tip pays off.
- Who's Andy? - Andy's my best friend.
- Oh.
Your imaginary friend.
How is he? Same as ever? Oh, yes, but now he's got millions of pounds.
And a penis of a 20-year-old.
Cool.
How much did he pay for it? Stop playing video games.
You're late for school.
I'm not playing games.
I'm checking the markets.
- God, not you, too? - Dynoblast looks sound.
- I might invest myself.
- What are you talking about? Well, with my tragically small allowance, I have to think of the future.
This is crazy.
You're too young to invest.
Not in the Caymans.
To them, I could be married.
- But you're not.
Are you? - Only for tax purposes.
How did you learn all this? It just takes five minutes and a bit of know-how.
Can you teach me? Why? Your father's up to something.
I want to learn how to fix it.
Yes! Oh, yes! Up 43 per cent! Oh, yes, yes! Mr Henshaw's back.
- He's cracked a filling.
- Oh, yes! I don't think he's too happy about it.
I'm busy.
I can't see him.
Yes, you can.
I pushed Mrs Mears' cavity back to half-past.
- No, you - Don't thank me.
It's my job.
- Not for long.
- Come along, Mr Henshaw.
Ah, Mr Henshaw.
Good.
- I suppose you're here, then? - I'd rather not be.
No, neither would I.
Let's have a look at that boring cracked filling, shall we? Yeah.
Oh, my Lord.
Is everything all right? Could I just check your details? I won't be one moment.
Oh, yes! Oh, yeah! This is wonderful! What? The filling isn't cracked? Yes, it's cracked, all right.
You're in for a lot of pain.
You said, "This is wonderful.
" It is, but not for you.
- OK, let's get cracking.
- (Drill whining) - Hang on.
No anaesthetic? - No, it slows things down.
Oh, dear God! - Oh, Gawd.
- Yes.
Isn't life wonderful? Great to be alive! Your wife's on the phone.
- Say I'm with a patient.
- But you're not.
What happened to Mr Henshaw? In the foetal position under the reception desk.
Tell him he has to pay for the appointment.
If that doesn't work, a couple of pokes with the broom will.
OK Yes, dear? - Ben, how much did you invest? - L3,000.
- You idiot! - I know.
I know it's a lot.
- Why didn't you invest more? - You told me to play it safe! I tell you to put the loo seat down.
You never listen.
Ben, I-I was wrong.
Enjoy the moment because it may not happen again for another 20 years.
(Henshaw) Ow! He's out.
- (Door closing) - Hello, my dear.
How was your day? Terrific! Turns out Dynoblast has a PE multiple of 24 and its EPS has tripled over the last four quarters.
It beat Q2 estimates by 2p.
And its debt-to-equity ratio is 1.
9.
- No? Really? - Yup.
- What does that mean? - No idea.
- But it's great, isn't it, eh? - It's wonderful.
What's come over you? I felt the situation needed my steady hand on the tiller.
- I'm following the shares.
- (Doorbell) - Don't you trust me? - Not at all.
Hi, I'm Andy! Dad, your imaginary friend's here.
There's no way those are real.
Hi, Andy.
Hello, Ben.
Am I disturbing? I don't want to disturb.
- What brings you here? - On our way to the airport.
- Don't want to borrow money? - You took my tip on Dynoblast? I was thinking about it anyway, but thanks for confirming what I knew.
So you've probably heard the buzz? Old news.
- What buzz? - So what are you doing? - Staying in or pulling out? - Well What are you doing? Believe me, if I had all the answers, I'd have a villa in Tuscany.
- We do.
- We do! - Anyway, see ya.
- Bye! Hey, Janey, what do you think? - I think you're an idiot.
- No, about my Nick Bits logo.
Looks like a mixed grill.
Cool.
Will anybody be interested in what you have? Bids on my kidneys are up to L300 and rising.
You're joking.
Both of them? No, all three.
- You haven't got three kidneys.
- They don't know that.
Only you could do something this crazy.
- I know.
- What if you run out of parts? - I'll retire.
- It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
You won't be saying that when I'm the world's richest toe.
Susan, the remarkable thing about the laptop is that it's portable, which means you can take it anywhere, like downstairs, or Berwick-upon-Tweed.
I'm checking up on what Andy said about Dynoblast.
I think he may be right.
No, he doesn't want me to earn as much as he has.
He doesn't want the competition.
I'm in a financial chat room.
Everybody's saying Dynoblast is under investigation.
- It's time to get out.
- What? Let me have a look.
You're taking advice from someone called Yoda.
It's not just Yoda.
Everyone in the chat room is saying to get out.
Binky_13, Clubfoot, Stockslut and Professor Frankenbanker.
Professor Frankenbanker? Can't you hear yourself? You're trusting a bunch of strangers over me? Your point being? Stay with me, Susan, OK? I'm going with my gut.
You're going with your gut and I'm going with cold, hard rumour.
Let's get out when we're ahead.
Look, I've never been ahead and I like it.
If we don't get out now, we'll be left with nothing except regret.
Well, won't that be the big regret cherry on the big regret icing on the big regret cake? Good night.
Yoda.
I'm embarrassed to call because I know you're busy, but the stock has gone down 22 per cent in the last half-hour and I just need an expert opinion.
I'm in a maths test.
You told them it was an emergency.
It is! Your mother wanted to sell but I didn't.
- Why not? - It was up! I couldn't sell it when it was up.
My gut wouldn't let me.
Michael, what am I gonna do? You could get out now and cut your losses.
But chances are it's just a blip.
Don't get technical.
Do I sell it or not? I've known you all my life.
I can honestly say, whatever your gut tells you to do, do the opposite.
Oh, no! Oh, no! You can't! No.
No.
Hello? Michael Harper, please.
Yes, it's another family emergency.
It's his mother.
She's dead.
Dad, what is it this time? Michael, the stock is now less than I paid for it.
- It's just a correction.
- First a blip, now a correction, when is it gonna be a bloody catastrophe? Dad, things go down then come right back up.
Not at my age.
Sorry to hear about your loss.
It's not my loss, it's my dad's.
You know you can go home early if you want.
Thanks.
(Speaking Russian with cassette) (Repeats) (Man) 'Where is the nearest toilet? ' Looks like I'm keeping all my kidneys.
Apparently, eBay frowns on selling body parts.
- It's probably for the best.
- Can I borrow your credit card? - Before you say no - No.
it's for my new job, I want some business cards.
I'm assuming this new job does not require surgery.
Nothing like that.
No, this one's much better.
I get to set my own hours, work from home.
- And the job satisfaction - What exactly is it? Sperm donor.
Don't they have a minimum requirement? Yeah.
You have to be a man.
Well, back to the old salt mine.
Go away, Michael.
How do you like the new shoes? I'd like them a lot better if they were in the other room.
Are those Prada? Why, yes.
Everyone's wearing them.
Except you.
(Speaking Russian) 'Please follow the tour guide.
' (Russian accent) Because the tour guide is very sexy.
Flowers? How much did you lose? Why do you always assume the worst? Can't I bring you flowers? At least you didn't bring chocolates, then I'd know we'd lost everything.
Haven't lost everything.
- How much are we talking about? - Oh, L200.
Good, we can go on the cruise.
No, that's all we've got left, L200.
- Give me the chocolates.
- Yep, yep, yep.
Is that it? No, "I told you so, I was right, you were wrong"? Ben, money isn't everything.
We love each other.
We have our children and that's what counts.
And we've still got the other college funds.
Ah, well, I was in the chat room and Yoda gave me this great tip.
Chocolates? "Dynoblast skyrockets.
" - What? - Isn't that always the way? Just when you sold all your shares.
Yeah.
Isn't life funny? Good to see you're keeping your sense of humour about it.
Nick! Come on, Nick! You're not the only person in this house.
Leave me alone.
I'm working.