Nobodies (2017) s02e12 Episode Script

1 (MARK-PAUL) Ooh, fun, you guys dyeing Easter eggs? You know what else is fun? Making matzoh balls! (CHUCKLING) (CEDRIC) It's Easter, okay? It ain't Passover.
So I say we "pass over" your dumb holiday that says I can't eat bread.
And get some Easter biscuits at Marie Callender's.
(ALL LAUGHING) (CELL PHONE VIBRATE) (WHISPERING) Oh, my God, Larry, stop calling me.
And as Curtis throws the matzoh in the trash, we fade out.
Another great episode, you guys.
Give us a second to get our notes together and we'll talk.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You were very funny.
- Thanks.
I noticed you didn't, uh, say my Seder joke.
Well, I'm gonna ask some of the other writers to come up with something funnier.
So I guess there's no way for it to not be weird at work.
Well, that's what happens when people who work together break up.
I never said we were broken up.
Oh, so you just sleep someplace else but we're still a happy couple? (DOOR OPENS) Hello, Andrea.
What're you doing here? Didn't they fire your ass? You're looking lovely as always.
Mmm.
I thought this was the "Rob In The Hood" writers room.
No, it's for "Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
" They only let you use that for your stupid pilot.
Well, do you know where the "Rob In The Hood" writers are? And why would I know that? Because I'm Black? I know where all the Black people are? What do you think we're mutants and I'm Professor X? No, I don't.
Do you know where all the white people are? I no.
Oh, yeah, they're everywhere Dude, get the hell out of my office, man.
Nice to see you again, Andrea.
Rachel! Rachel! Rachel? Oh, sorry, you're not Rachel.
- (PHONE RINGS) - This is Bradley.
Bradley, I have two questions for you.
Well, hopefully, I'll have two answers for you.
Can this meeting be moved to a later time or another day? And also What would happen if one or two of us couldn't make the meeting? Uh, well, I don't have either of those answers for you, but lemme see what I can find out.
Okay, hurry.
Act two is great.
Really strong.
We do have a couple notes on page 16.
Oh, God, thank God.
What are you doing here? I need to talk to you real quick.
I'm in a meeting! And I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be on the lot, Larry.
Oh, is that really true? Then you probably should've taken away my badge.
But you didn't.
You took away my show, but you didn't take away my badge.
I'll be right back.
I'm sorry, he has mental problems.
And by the way, the United Way is never gonna see a dime from me.
That's a lovely thing to yell to a room full of people.
What is going on? - (CELL PHONE VIBRATES) - Listen, uh hold on one second.
Seriously, you're taking a phone call? Uh, what-what'd you find out? (BRADLEY) The answer to number one is: No, you can't push the meeting.
But the answer to number two is also, no, - it has to be the whole team.
- A-ha.
Is there anything else I can Okay, here's the situation.
We have a meeting today at 4:00 with Steven Spielberg.
He wants to develop a feature with you, me and Hugh.
And we all have to be at the meeting so you have to be there.
- Is this a joke? - No! So, Steven Spielberg just called you out of the blue and said, "I wanna develop a feature with three nobodies?" No, Bradley told me.
Well, Bradley's an idiot so I'm sure he got it all wrong.
What if he got it all right?! I mean, it could finally be different this time.
This isn't us chasing around crazy Melissa McCarthy and begging her to do "Mr.
First Lady.
" This is Steven Spielberg! This could be the job of a lifetime.
Larry, I have a job! Okay, do you wanna work at this stupid sitcom or would you rather work with me and Hugh? Hugh thinks this is real? Hugh's going to this? Yes! Of course, Hugh's definitely going to this.
(DOOR OPENS) Uh, Rachel? Are you still a writer on this show? Yeah uh, sorry.
Rachel, are you coming? I have to get back in there.
Oh, come on! (CELL PHONE RINGS) Hey.
Where are you? I just got to Phoenix.
Hugh, I am begging you to, please, just skip this Alice Cooper concert.
It's not a concert.
I'm going to his house.
When did you become friends with Alice Cooper? I'm not friends with him.
I don't know the man.
So, you're just like an obsessed fan? How did I not know this? - Larry, I gotta go.
- Wait! How long are you gonna be in Phoenix? Uh, it depends on Alice Cooper.
Well, it takes an hour to fly to L.
A.
, and you have to meet me and Rachel at Steven Spielberg's office at 4:00.
Wait, Rachel's going? Yes, Rachel's going! Okay, 4:00? Yes, I'll try, all right? Uh, I gotta get going.
What does that mean?! Are you gonna be there or not? Hello? What is the matter with these people?! It's Steven Spielberg! (DOORBELL CHIMES) Can I help you? Yes, I'm sorry to bother you, um Is there anyway I can speak to Alice Cooper? It's terribly important.
Sure, one moment Alice?! Alice! There's a man here to see you.
Yes? Your name is Alice Cooper.
- It is.
- Right.
I was looking for the the rock'n'roll musician, Alice Cooper, the man.
And I got this address from the internet and I'm an idiot and I'm sorry.
Hold on, hold on, I have something that might help.
Really? Uh, wh Here's some of his fan mail that got delivered here by mistake.
How would this help me? Oh, no, it helps me.
Saves me a trip to the post office, thanks.
Oh, he looks so sad.
Well, Alice, you should know.
The world's a sad place.
Hey, um Have those rewrites.
Just set it down.
Was gonna have them one of the other writers bring it.
But I didn't want you to think I was avoiding you.
I mean I don't want it to be weird.
What time's the run-through? 3:45.
Well, I have to go over these so, do you mind? Uh, you know, I actually I might, um I might miss the run-through 'cause I might have this thing at 4:00.
Rachel, you can't just leave work anytime you want just because you have a daughter.
Excuse me? You can't just drop everything just because of Lois.
Actually, for the rest of my life, I will drop everything for Lois.
And by the way, today, I'm dropping everything for Hugh, Larry and Steven Spielberg! Does this mean you're quitting? I'm quitting.
I quit.
(QUIETLY) I just quit.
(WHISPERING) Please, Steven Spielberg, be real.
I'm sorry for taking up your time, Mr.
Cooper.
Uh, in the phone book, you were listed as A.
Cooper and I was hoping you were Alice Cooper.
And you are instead, uh, Alistair Cooper, right.
(BEEPING) And, uh, oh, you hung up on me.
Can I get you anything else? Alice Cooper's address? Only if you give me Bradley Cooper's address.
(CHUCKLING) Ahh Yeah, I don't have that either.
(PHONE RINGING) Bradley Cooper in Bradley Cooper's office.
That's your last name? Your name is Bradley Cooper? Hugh? Is that you? Please tell me you're going to the meeting.
Bradley, I'll, I'll make you a deal.
I will go to that meeting if you get me Alice Cooper's address.
My grandmother? What? My grandmother's name is Alice Cooper.
She lives in Phoenix.
My God, I think I just met your grandmother.
No, uh, Bradley, I need, uh, Alice Cooper, the rock'n'roll guy.
Can you, can you get that for me? Yes, I'm on it.
I can get it I can ask another junior agent, Victor, in the music department.
He's my friend You don't care, I can get it! All right, attaboy.
(DOOR BUZZER) Rustin, what are you doing here? Oh, hey, Rachel.
I didn't think you were gonna be here.
Mark-Paul asked me to come by his place and drop off your things.
He thought it would be less awkward.
Yeah, no, this, uh isn't awkward at all.
Well bye.
(DOOR BUZZER, KEYS JINGLE, CELL PHONE PLAYS) Hey.
Uh, so any decisions? Did we decide on what we're doing today at 4:00? I'm going to the Spielberg meeting.
Yes! Great, one down.
What does that mean? What does what mean? Uh I'm, I'm watching a football game and, um You know, they got a first down.
Okay, I'm already bored.
- So where are you right now? - I'm at home.
Or Michael and Ethan's home, I don't know My life is crumbling.
Excellent, this is great.
I'm gonna pick you up so we'll go together.
That way you're definitely there.
And I'm definitely there.
And then we'll just have Hugh definitely there and we'll all definitely be there.
Why do you sound so weird? I gotta find a tie.
Hugh, it's Bradley Cooper from Bradley Cooper's office.
I have the information you seek.
Well, I mean, Victor has it, and then he gave it to me I, I have it.
- Alice Cooper? - What? I'm his, wife, man, why'd you think I was Alice? Uh, I, I think because of the makeup.
What about it Um, it's, it's just like his makeup.
Oh, God.
I've been crying.
It's just that Alice is on tour in Europe and I miss him so much.
Get out of my house! Ahh! Gah! Jesus! Ahh! - Hey! - What is that tie? It's "Star Wars.
" For Steven Spielberg.
That's George Lucas.
What's George Luca? You can't wear that.
I'll give you one of Ethan's ties.
Well, I don't wanna look like I'm gay.
What do you think, his ties have a bunch of dicks all over them? Here, this was the most heterosexual one I could find.
You know something that'll help us at this meeting.
Hmm.
Steven Spielberg actually went to my high school.
Saratoga High School.
What are you talking about? He went to my high school, Arcadia.
- No, he didn't.
- He did.
- Look it up.
- I'm doing that.
Go to W-W-W, um - I know how to use the internet, thanks.
Uh, "Steven Spielberg went to Arcadia High School in Phoenix, Arizona for three years No.
Until his family moved to Saratoga, California, where he graduated from Saratoga High School.
What?! Steven Spielberg went to the same high school as both of us?! That's amazing.
That is a sign.
That is the universe telling us we're supposed to be working with Steven Spielberg.
Absolutely.
And after her mom died, this one ended up at an estate sale.
Huh, to think this is part of a pair.
It's amazing.
So, how much do you want for it? Uh, I'm sorry? The other painting? The one that goes with this one? No-no-no-no, I thought that you would give me that one.
(SNICKERING) How much money you got? Why are you drinking? It's Steven Spielberg.
I'm nervous.
I'm nervous.
I'm not drinking.
What are you gonna wear to the meeting? - I'm wearing it.
- No-no-no-no-no.
This is a big meeting.
You need something with a little a little more cha-cha-cha! Like a bra and panties maybe? - Rachel, this is important.
- (SIGHS) Buh-buh-buh-buh, bah, bah, bah.
You don't need anymore of that, please, thank you very much.
(RACHEL QUIETLY) Oh, my God.
(PHONE VIBRATING) Where are you? Larry, I need to borrow some money.
I'm gonna need, um, gosh, hang on.
I'm sorry, how much did you want? $7,000! $7,000.
What is going on? You need to be at the airport, like, right now.
Larry, I am at Alice Cooper's house and I need $7,000 right now! For what?! Larry? Please.
My phone is about to die.
I am begging you, I will explain everything when I see you.
- Goodbye.
- (BEEPING) How's this? Hey, does Venmo send you like a confirmation or something when you - (LIGHT BELL DINGS) - Okay, good, there it is.
Who are you giving money to? Uh the United Way.
It was time.
What do you think? What is that? It's a camisole.
It looks exactly the same.
I forget you know fashion.
That's why you showed up in that galaxy tie.
This is gonna be terrible.
(WHISPERS) What?! I'm in the wrong terminal.
Oh, for Christ sake! What are you muttering? Nothing.
What's going on? Nothing, I'm just I'm nervous about the same thing that you're nervous about.
Are we not prepared for this? What did Spielberg say? He, he wants to develop something with us, like, like, we're supposed to go in with, like, an idea, like a movie idea? I-I-I, I don't know anything about aliens.
What does he do, sharks? I I don't know, I only know "Star Wars.
" My God, Larry, do we not know what we're doing? I don't know what to pitch.
I mean, unless it's about a woman who loses her job and her boyfriend on the same day and has a daughter who's gonna end up in therapy 'cause her mom made her move in with someone I had a crush on when I was eight years old, and now my entire career hinges on an idiot and Hugh! And where is Hugh?! - I'm sure he's very, very close.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATES) I'm gonna take this outside.
Hey I'm not gonna make it.
- What?! - I missed my flight.
Oh, my God! - What?! - Hugh's not gonna make it.
- What? - I know exactly what this is.
This is karma.
This is the universe giving me a sign.
I was greedy.
I was greedy for not splitting the corporate training money with you.
And now it's all gonna fall apart because I was cheap.
And I deserve it.
And now Rachel and I are gonna walk into Steven Spielberg's meeting and he's gonna say, "Hey, where's Hugh? You need Hugh!" And we're gonna say, "We don't have Hugh.
" And he's gonna say go take a walk.
Get the hell out of my office.
Hugh is not coming to this meeting! You said we all need to be there! - Hugh is in Phoenix.
- What?! All thanks to me and my miserly ways.
What a Shylock I am.
I'm a real schmendrick.
Why is Hugh in Phoenix?! He's buying, like, a signed guitar from Alice Cooper.
What?! Lar? I think we got a Hail Mary.
It may require a little more Venmoing.
Oh, my God.
(WHISPERING) Do I smell like wine? Yes do I? No, God.
Hello.
Hi.
We have a 4:00 with Mr.
Spielberg.
Yes, Larry, Rachel and Hugh.
Correct, Hugh is just, uh, running a little late.
All right, well, just let me know when your entire party's here.
Can't get seated until everyone's here.
It's like the Cheesecake Factory.
(CHUCKLING) It's a joke.
It's a funny joke.
What time is it? 3:48.
Great, that means Hugh has 12 minutes to get here which means Hugh's not gonna get here.
Can't believe it.
No, you know what, I can believe it 'cause that's Hugh.
He's a flake.
He doesn't care about anything or anyone.
What time is it now? - Now it's 3:57.
- Great.
- (SCOFFS) - (EXHALES) Maybe we should tell her that you and I went to the same high school as Steven Spielberg.
And then he'd be willing to see us without Hugh.
Steven Spielberg is not gonna care that we went to the same high school as him.
Well, then we need something to buy us time.
Oh, my God! I almost forgot.
Today's Daylight Savings Time.
We're actually an hour early for our meeting.
And you graduated from Saratoga High School? So, you gon' go down Murder She Wrote Lane.
Then turn left on Columbo Court.
Now once you drive down here, you gon' turn right on Universal Hollywood Drive.
Keep drivin' down there and then once you I'm sorry, I'm, I'm on foot.
You gonna wish you had a car.
(WHISPERS) Oh, God.
Uh Just follow the double yellow line.
Yes, sir, I will let them know.
I'm sorry but if everyone's not here, I'm afraid we're going to have to cancel.
No! No! Please, I'm sure he's just moments away.
I'm sure he's not.
He probably did something stupid like forgot his ID or got drunk on the plane.
Uh Rachel! I could have sworn I saw fireworks From your house Last night Oh, you're too late.
They cancelled it.
What? Those assholes.
Are you kidding me? I quit my job to be here and you're so late, they cancelled the meeting and you're mad?! You're the asshole, Hugh! I hope whatever signed Alice Cooper bullshit is in that thing was worth it.
To myself Every time I know the way it ends Before It's even begun I am the only one At the finish line He's here! All there of us are here! I'm sorry, it's too late.
No, it can't be.
All right, I know probably no one's gonna care about this.
But I think it's an interesting fact.
Two out of the three of us went to the same high school as Steven Spielberg.
Same high school? Well, why didn't you say so? You're very lucky.
Mr.
Spielberg never meets with anyone if they're late.
Maybe it's a sign your meeting will go well.
(ELEVATOR DINGS) Yeah.
Oh, there are no buttons.
That was weird.
(LOUD CLATTERING) What's happening? I don't know.
Uh, I wanna get off! (ELECTRICAL BUZZ, NOISE SUBSIDES) (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) Larry? Rachel and Hugh? You're here, I'm so glad.
What an honor, what a treat.
Please, come in, sit down.
I've been watching you for years, so It was no surprise when I read the wonderful script, "Mr.
First Lady.
" And discovered it was written by my three favorite Groundlings.
You know, I haven't made a comedy since "1941.
" 1941? How old is he? It's the title of a movie.
And now I want to make one with the three of you.
It'll be a dream come true.
For all of us.
And to think I went to the same High School as Rachel and Larry.
I mean, if someone had told me that 20 years ago, we'd already be working together.
But then we wouldn't have Hugh.
I guess the universe decides when things should happen.
So what do you say? Would you like to make a movie together? (ALL) Yes! Great! Wonderful! And I already know who I'd like to have star in it.
Melissa McCarthy.