Raising Hope s02e12 Episode Script

Hey, why this dog wear an suit? They've job's interviews today? No, they're audditioning for a player roof.
- Ah! You're not kidding.
- You've got to play? - That's awesome.
- Yeah.
It's called Hillary Clinton, the woman Who Should Have Been President.
It explores the inner angst of a woman who, in order to succeed in a man's world, is forced to wear a pantsuit.
Hmm.
What's going on over there? Oh.
Shelley's auditioning Janet Renos.
Oh, yeah.
Well, the wig fits, but you're gonna have to get your voice lower.
It's still too feminine.
Hey, you think there's a part for Hope? Yeah.
She's either gonna play Hillary Clinton or Monica Lewinsky.
Oh, I hope she gets Hillary.
I don't know.
Monica Lewinsky has a really successful handbag line.
Hillary's just a secretary.
Butchie, no! No, stop it! Stop it! I think we found our Bill Clinton.
Yeah.
Hey, Floyd, Big Judy.
I lost ten pounds.
Hey, Not-as-big-as-you-have-been in-the-past Judy.
You all here to pawn something or buy something back? We came to get back our cooler scooter.
Yup.
We thought we couldn't live without a motorized scooter that kept 36 beers cold, but no, no, we cannot.
I'll get it, and Floyd, while I'm gone, it wouldn't be the end of the world if you would use your math skills to figure out where the hell I went wrong with that Sudoku.
I hate coming in here and seeing all my old stuff that I had to sell.
My light-up Frisbee, my Garbage Pail Kids, my Dr.
Shazaamo Magic Kit.
How has no one bought this stuff? It's not easy for me, either.
Every cool piece of jewelry I've ever owned is right here in this glass case.
Oh, yeah, baby And at the wire, it's Mary Jane by a nose Oh, hey, look at this.
Doesn't Mom have one of these little pig statues? Yeah, yeah, your mom has all kinds of crap.
Number one's a big mover So, you're watching dog racing on our old TV.
You looking to make bets? No.
No, I'm done with all that.
Here it is.
Give me 85 bucks, and it's all yours again.
You mean 25 bucks.
No.
$25 by last Friday, but you didn't pay by then.
But this is all I have.
And they're off.
Next to number four Naberdez moving to the inside lane How long till the next race? Welcome back, old friend.
Welcome back.
Ah, Home on the Mange.
Home on the Mange! Home on the Mange.
Come on, come on! Yes! Yes! Winner, winner, kibble dinner! Gambling? Are you kidding me? You know you have a gambling problem.
I got our scooter cooler back.
If anything, you be shouldanking me.
Maybe you have a thanking problem.
Look at you.
You're acting like a maniac.
All twitchy with that crazy tongue of yours sticking out of your head.
I hate you like this! Ah, what's the big deal with a little bit of gambling? Dad went in there with nothing, anmade it into something.
Stop it, Jimmy.
The only thing worse than pigeons is magic.
- Creeps me out.
- I'm sorry.
- Will this make you feel better? - Oh! Stop it! This is a serious situation.
Mr.
Ants-in-his-pants over here has a serious history with gambling.
He went on his last gambling binge the year I had completed my Porkchester collection.
Your father was on a hot streak, so he came in feeling like a thousand bucks.
Who's your daddy?! Oh, not you.
I know you don't know who your daddy is.
Who's your daddy? He bet on anything he could, and everything was great until he started to lose.
No, no, no! How does a guy with one ball win a bicycle race three years in a row?! Oh, less drag! Less drag.
Your dad lost so much, he had to pawn all of his valuables.
Then, when he lost even more, he had to pawn my valuables.
And when he hit rock bottom, he pawned all of your valuables.
You told me you took all the money out my piggy bank and put it in a retirement four-oh-wunk.
I'm telling you, Jimmy, he has a serious problem.
Virginia, it's under control.
I can quit any time I want.
Mm-hmm.
And maybe you won't be so mad when you see these beautiful earrings I got for you.
Oh.
These are cufflinks that say "Burt" on them.
It's so hard to shop for you.
Wait a second.
Mm.
You said we pawned all those toys to help starving kids in Africa.
You're telling me no one's starving in Africa? Dick Nixon had Watergate Hoover's depression was really great W.
Bush was clearly not a genius, genius LBJ took us to 'Nam, Barack's economy is a sham And the thing they have in common is a "Penis.
" That's where you're supposed to say, "penis.
" Look, if I pick you for Hillary, you have to say "penis.
" Can she learn "penis" by next Tuesday? Maybe, but how about you write another lyric by next Tuesday? Allow me.
Will you stop with that nonsense? Unless you can come up with a magic trick that'll make your dad's gambling habit disappear.
Oh, he said he's not gambling anymore.
Oh, please.
Yes, yes, yes! Garfield finally got himself some lasagna.
Once he starts gambling, he can't stop.
Wait.
He stopped once before, right? So, how did you get him to stop then? Well The only way Burt would stop gambling was if he hit rock bottom.
Okay, one more time.
Who tied us up? The boogey man.
No, not the boogey man.
The bookie man.
You know what? Let's just do this.
Here goes.
Ready? What-what happened? What? The bookies came and demanded money, but we didn't have any, so they beat the hell out of us and took your stilts.
They got my stilts? Oh, man, I was just starting to get good at those.
I'm sorry, baby.
I'll never gamble again.
I'll make it up to you.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Why don't you guys just do that again? Because Burt's on a winning streak now.
There's no bookie to owe this time.
You know, I think there's a gamblers support group that meets in my church basement.
They've also got one for drinkers, overeaters, sex addicts, druggies.
The only thing they can't get people to go to is church.
Ugh.
Maw Maw's been in my magic tricks again.
Hi.
I'm Patty.
Welcome to Gamblers Incognito.
We're not affiliated with that other organization.
They have 12 steps.
We only have one don't bet! Like, I said, I am Patty, and I gamble.
Hi, Patty.
Hi, guys.
I live in Camden County, but I come to meetings here because I work in the, um, service industry Oh, my.
Oh! and I prefer my clients not know I have questionable morals.
What are the odds of seeing you two here? Uh, we try not to phrase things that way in the meetings.
- She has not gambled for four years.
- Oh, got it.
Three years ago, Barney bet me I couldn't fit ten marshmallows in my mouth.
Two weeks later, we were selling our blood for some action on women's bowling.
Gambling is a harsh mistress.
I knew you were a gambler.
I could tell by the quality of meat you buy.
Chicago won, which means I'm taking back my pogo stick.
And put me down for 40 on Penn State.
Nope.
You're cut off.
You're too hot.
I'm losing too much money.
Now take your pogo stick and bounce out of here.
Uh, at least let me win enough to buy the other pogo stick.
I'll look like an idiot pogo-sticking alone.
Maybe this can help you.
What am I supposed to do with your grocery receipt? And what are you doing buying $200 worth of junk food? Your wife's gonna get diabetes, man.
She'll lose her foot, Floyd.
You'll be painting nails on the nub of a stub with this.
No.
Turn it over.
There's an address on the back.
A place where you can gamble.
Oh.
Thanks, buddy.
Good luck with the foot.
Floyd, door! Hey, you're the guy that takes bets? Come on.
You a cop? Let me see your eyes.
How do I know you're not a cop? Let me see your eyes.
Okay, count of three.
One, two, three.
How does this prove neither of us are cops? I don't know.
It never went this far before.
I guess you're okay.
You're just in time for the first race.
Dig, Robbie, dig! Yes! Yes! Oh! Yes! 20-to-one.
Nothing more beautiful than a fast fat kid! Ah, Burt's not going to quit while he's winning.
Nobody does.
No man's going to quit gambling unless he hits a cold streak.
Or and I don't want to be out of bounds here you could hope he finds a substitute vice.
Which I'd be happy to provide at a special introductory rate.
I'm a hooker.
Yeah, that's a little out of bounds.
Just putting it out there.
Some folks have an arrangement.
The good news is, Burt will start losing.
Or he'll keep winning and get so rich, he'll buy a hot, half-robotic wife who doesn't yap, yap, yap about his gambling.
Either way, you won't have a problem for long.
Don't worry, we all hit cold streaks sooner or later.
Look, I wrote down who I would have bet on yesterday just to remind myself how unlucky I am.
Check it out.
Every idiot gambler thinks they have a system.
I think the only real system would be to wait for us to make a pick, then choose the opposite.
You'd make a fortune.
A fortune? Really? Perfect system.
For instance, I like Texas tonight.
Me, too.
You bet Oklahoma, you got yourself free money.
It's a diving catch.
Touchdown! And Oklahoma wins.
Yes! Nice pick.
I don't want any money.
I'll take my winnings in the form of a Porkchester.
You're coming home, buddy.
Don't worry.
I'm coming back for all of you.
Mama's got a system.
Hey.
Good thing you didn't bet on that Texas game, huh? They got killed.
That's right, and since I didn't make a bet I would have lost, I rewarded myself with a new pair of skinny jeans.
Oh, you really turned a negative into a positive.
You ever thought about sharing that with the rest of the group? Maybe start by asking who everyone likes in the game tonight between, uh Notre Dame or Ohio Street? Huh? Daniel France, AV Club.
You got to have strong legs to push that TV on a cart, and you got to be quick to run from those bullies.
You, sir, are a winner.
You're home early.
I wasn't expecting you to be home.
I-I was just leaving.
Okay, then.
You'll never guess who's playing Hillary Clinton.
I'm guessing it's the baby in the pantsuit.
Yeah, she's the strongest actor.
She's a lot better at keeping her fingers out of her nose, and she doesn't change her expression when she poops.
I heard the same thing about Renee Zellweger.
Oh, I'm sure that's funny, but I have no idea who that is.
Who deserves a Popsicle? - No! - Aah! What are you doing? Aah! Patty.
You were hiding a tiny pig in your freezer.
You're hiding 20 tiny pigs in your freezer.
I just didn't want Burt to know I'd wagered on some games.
Oh, no.
Now you're gambling, too? What your father does is gambling.
This is completely different.
Listen to this.
That's it.
Tennessee has won in a blowout that nobody, nobody saw coming! I saw it coming.
I see them all coming.
Whoa! So you know who wins games? Yes.
I talk to losers.
So, if eight of them would bet one way, I just bet the other.
And the Bruins upset the USC.
Trojans! Who would have seen that coming?! Me! Ha! Whoa.
It's a math-mematical system.
I got to get in on this; I'm not sure it's a good idea, but I keep hearing the sound of a cash register "ka-chinging" in my head, so I feel like I have to.
I've got money on a few games at seven, but you're never going to make it down there in time.
But we have to; I've got $80 in my pocket.
If I don't bet a sure thing, I'm down $80! I can't afford to lose that kind of scratch.
You're right.
I've got $20 in my purse.
Why am I not betting it? What are you doing? You cost us money! There was something called a parlay that pays six-to-one.
$20 at six-to-one?! Do you know what that would pay? No.
Well, we'll never know if we don't get down there! Damn it, I can't find my keys and my stupid purse! I'll drive! Let's go, let's go, let's go! No worries.
I'll just stay here with your daughter.
You may have a gambling gene you may need to look out for.
Your family is cut off.
What? Y'all are winning too much.
I didn't get into the bookie business to lose money.
That's not fair; we want to place a bet.
Yeah, well, I want to eat chocolate cake without losing my eyesight, but that's not going to happen either.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get some chocolate cake.
Why do I need a prescription for insulin? Turn it over.
Address on back.
A guy there will take your bets.
Ah.
three, four All right.
What are you guys doing here? - What are you doing here? - I'm not gambling.
I just like to look at children.
There's no law against that.
Save it, Burt.
We're all gambling.
Now let's make some money.
Finally, something we can do as a family.
Where's our competition? Gone.
I cleaned them all out.
I'm up $200 and three nickels and a juice box I found under the bleachers.
Well, we can't just bet against each other.
No, no, just our luck.
We finally turn into winners and we can't find any losers around.
We know where to find some losers.
Hey, you guys want to gamble? We were back on the ride.
Great job, Maria! I could kiss you! But I won't.
Never would.
And it was beautiful.
Go, Jeffrey, go, Jeffrey, go, Jeffrey, go, go! Move! Yes, Jeffrey! You kicked their asses.
I didn't mean to say "asses.
" "Asses" is a no-no word.
'Cause once again , we couldn't lose.
Hey, kid.
You run like you've got a dump in your pants.
You should all call him Dumpy Pants.
And even when all the scheduled classes were done, Dad convinced the gym coach to race all the kids who had showed up with "get out of gym class" notes.
Yes! Yes! Two.
Yes! Three.
Yes! Yes! None of the above! None of the above! All in all, we made a fortune.
Ah! Not only am I going to be able to finish my Porkchesters collection, but I'm going to be able to start my dead al-Qaeda leaders commemorative plate collection! Gamblers Incognito is the greatest thing that ever happened to this family.
Hello? Where are you? You're missing Hope's play.
We're missing Hope's play! Whoops.
Sweet Adeline, we're missing Hope's play! Hey, where you guys going? It's time for the harness races.
There you are.
You missed a great performance.
Well, except for Vice President Biden.
He scooted across the Oval Office and kind of left his own Presidential Seal.
We missed it? Yeah.
Where were you guys? Gambling? Damn, I did it again! And this time I dragged my whole family into it.
Damn! I hate theater, politics and women's lib, but I still wanted to see Hope dance around in that little pantsuit.
In that moment, we all learned that when you get obsessed with gambling, you can lose things that are much more valuable than money.
Things you can't get back.
Maybe you guys could do an encore performance.
Uh, I can't make any promises.
I think Bill Clinton's getting neutered tomorrow.
We knew we had a problem, so the next day, we all went to Gamblers Incognito, which is a little less incognito when you go with your whole family.
And that's when I looked at this little lady and said to myself, "Who's the real pig here?" And after we begged her to, Shelley made a lot of calls and got the cast to redo the show for us.
Hillary I'm talkin' about Hillary Never run of the mill-ary She taught us to stand Fixed the economy, so we're all rich You made Kim Jong-il your bitch You took Afghanistan and made it more like Disneyland It's Hillary Rodham Clinton "Bill" who?! Are you related to the girl that played Hillary? That was my granddaughter.
Which one's yours? - My Butchie played Bill Clinton.
- Oh! I haven't been this proud of him since he stopped barking at minorities.
Well, he's quite the hound.
How did this compare with yesterday's show? There was no show yesterday.
Ooh, Butchie! Yes, you're mama's special guy.
Hey.
We didn't really miss that play.
You lied to us so we would stop gambling.
You tricked us! Just like you tricked Burt.
Thank you.
You know, I was wondering how you got people to sit through that awful play twice.
Butchie, no! This is private behavior.
That dog playing Bill Clinton doesn't know the show's over.
Oh, that's going to leave a stain.