Reno 911! (2003) s02e12 Episode Script

So, we're still trying To work out the bugs of this bomb-dog camera.
What they do is they give you a real good shot And an image of the bomb.
Testing-- 1, 2 Testing.
Go, goGo try it out, boy.
Transmission's good ( dog panting ) Hello Hello, champagne.
Happy new year to you.
Hi, buddy.
Oh, man.
Hey Come on now.
Get on out of there, come on.
Hey, get on out.
Hey, hey, shoo.
Whoo ! Come here ! ( tires screeching ) Oh Ah ! Whoa ! ( growling ) ( sirens blaring ) ( siren wailing ) Good morning, gang.
Hey Good morning.
I was checking the web-browser history On all the computers in here.
You can do that ? Yeah, I was checking all the browser histories On all the computers in the station Which say "for official use only" And here's a couple of the recent sites People have been visiting for official business, I guess-- Superbootyshots.
Com Picturesofmycats.
Com Hugenaturalboobs.
Com Herpesonlinecompanion.
Com Drnastysnatch.
Com Chickswithdicks.
Org Sweatersforkittens/store Catastics.
Com Catastrophe.
Com And chocolatebooty.
Org All those were in the recent web-browser history-- For official business only.
I'm just gonna volunteer to help you figure out-- There's nothing to figure out.
To help you figure out who did it.
Okay, we don't need to call scotland yard To figure who was looking at Drnastysnatch.
Com.
I was doing some research for my doctor.
She said, "do things look different or strange ?" And I had nothing to compare it to, But the cat thing was not mine.
Sheriff's department ! Honey, are you okay ? What's the matter ? Are you okay ? ( sobbing uncontrollably ) It's gonna be okay.
Just breathe.
Take a deep breath.
Deep breath, honey.
Have you been taking any drugs today ? Let me see your arms-- hold out your arms.
Let me see your arms.
Okay, you're good.
Do you want a hug ? ( shrieks ) You don't want a hug, okay.
I feel like I'm gonna faint now, We're not gonna let anything happen to you.
Okay, you have to call-- I'm gonna call an e.
M.
T.
We need an emergency medical technician on the scene here.
Reno, reno, this is 3-adam-32.
We've got a hysterical woman here at the oasis trailer court.
Okay, someone's on their way.
( both sobbing ) What happened to you ? Dangle ? Dangle ? Oh, no ! Dangle ? Do you want me to get your graham crackers ? Want your graham crackers ? Someone's gonna come and give us some nice sedatives.
Get in.
All right.
Are you okay ? Yeah, I'm fine.
I don't know what the fuck she was talking about.
I could have sworn I heard her say "food stamps.
" Somehow you just got to speak their language, y'know ? Get 'em in the fucking car.
She's going to jail.
I don't know what she did, but she's going to jail.
Test-- 1, 2.
Test-- still no sign of one-eyed jack, And I'm fucking hot.
( coughing ) How much fucking car exhaust do we have to inhale Before this goddamn drug dealer Wakes his ass up and starts dealing ? Let's go home.
I don't know Fuck it, let's go.
We can go ? Yeah, get your stuff.
Let's get out of here.
Hey, man, do you have some smoke ? Oh, hey, ladies.
You guys smoke or anything ? ( jamaican accent ) you got smokes ? You want a smoke, huh ? Yeah.
Groovy dreads.
Thanks, thank you.
Your hair is wild.
Yeah, well, it's, um-- yeah.
That accent is trippy, man.
Where you from ? Well, I'm from jamaica, kingston.
Jamaica, mon.
I'm from utah.
Wow, really ? It's really hot there, right ? No, it's about a mile up, So it never really gets above 75.
Wow.
Okay, did anybody else in here see what happened ? There's a girl in the bathroom.
The next time something like this happen-- And there will be a next time-- Before you call me, ask yourself, huh, "I'm dressed like a trick, "I'm in a filthy, disgusting rat hole-- What do I expect to happen ?" Huh ? Whoa ! Ho ! Just shut up.
Whoa.
Okay, okay, okay.
( laughing ) Surprise.
You found out my secret, okay ? Are you happy ? Are you happy ? Yes, I work in a rat fuck, all right ? But I need the money.
So go blab it all over the whole fucking station.
I don't care.
Why you automatically assume raineesha gonna say something ? Because you always say something.
Okay, that's true, but I'm telling you-- I'm giving you my word that I'm not.
Do you remember when you saw me coming out of la clínica, And you didn't tell nobody ? Okay.
How much you make ? I'll walk with about $300 a night, you know, $500 if there's a convention.
Yi-yi-yi-yi ! Yi-yi-yi-yi ! Señorita ! ♪ I don't know ♪ Asshole.
Pig.
♪ ba-ba ba-ba ♪ ♪ ba-ba-ba ♪ ♪ doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo ♪ ♪ rickety-tickety-doo doo doo doo doo ♪ ♪ rickety-tickety-doo ba boo boo doo doo ♪ ( together ) ♪ rickety-tickety-doo ba boo doo doo ♪ ♪ rickety-tickety-doo doo doo doo doo ♪ ♪ rickety-tickety-doo doo doo doo ahh ♪ ♪ rickety-tickety-doo doo doo doo ahh ♪ ♪ rickety-tickety-doo doo doo doo chsss ♪ ♪ rickety-tickety-doo doo doo doo zwww ♪ ♪ rickety-tickety-doo doo doo doo pow ♪ ♪ rickety-tickety-doo doo doo doo bowwww ♪ How much time did that kill ? About an hour.
( siren ) Oh, no.
Man.
Hey, hey, can we talk to him for a second ? How you doing tonight, keith ? Not too good.
Oh, man, they got you good, huh ? Yeah.
Oh, jeez.
Was it the same guys from last time ? No, it was a different group.
Different group, all right.
One had a gun, and the other one had the bat.
Two fellas.
And there was a third that wasn't carrying anything.
Three fellows.
And so, they hit you with the bat, or Oh, they never-- I'm gonna-- ( muttering ) they put a hot dog up my butt They put a hot dog where ? Up my butt.
They put a hot dog Was it hot at the time, or was it not cooked yet ? It was hot.
Did the hot dog have anything on it ? Was it just a plain hot dog ? Just hot-dog grease, 'cause it had just come off the cooker, And it was Piping hot.
They said they really liked me, and they just wanted me to Be a hot-dog cowboy.
Right.
Something about you behind that counter Seems to just set men on fire.
Seems like they just You're rape bait, keith.
Those two guys-- One of them said that.
Called you rape bait ? I hate to agree with them, but I kind of do.
You're doing something right here.
Keith, you get rape rookies in here.
You know how odd that is ? You know how rare that is ? In a weird way, man-- hey, badge of honor.
People who never, ever raped a clerk Say, "I'm gonna break it in on keith.
" I got to balance my register.
I never really worked one of these things before.
We're going the wrong way, I think.
Spin him.
Aah ! Sorry, keith.
Aah ! Shit, sorry.
Are we going the right way or no ? We got to do a pooper check on keith.
Do you have any kind of long tongs ? Hey, hey ! Shit, shit, shit You gonna stay put or what, buddy ? Ah, shit.
Somebody should get up inside here.
Keith ? Oh, jesus.
We're gonna have to do it here, buddy.
Joe, joe.
We're gonna pull the-- Can you give us a little bit of privacy ? Yeah, a little bit of ( blowing ) Here, shine 'em up real good.
I think it's time for my homemade brownies.
Aphrodite makes the best brownies ever.
No, no, no, you didn't.
No, you didn't.
Oh, I'm gonna take a He ate the whole thing at once.
( laughing ) If we gave these brownies out to everybody, right ( laughter ) Pretty good.
Whoo ! ( siren ) All right, well, at this point, We were supposed to watch a driver-safety film Entitled "blood on the highway" By the department of transportation safety board, But you all have been pretty good, So I brought in another film About highway safety and law enforcement, ( in falsetto ) a little picture called ♪ smokey and the bandit ♪ No talking during smokey and the bandit If you talk, that will be one point on your driver's license, And there will be a test.
Reno, this is We are on the scene.
( tires screeching ) Sheriff's department ! You call 911 ? Yes, I did.
What's the problem, sir ? I think you're gonna be very pleased with me When I tell you what it is.
Oh, hello.
I have compiled a list of 500-- I got 500 cars that have run the stop sign right here.
Don't bother to thank me, I've got it right here.
You've made a citizen's arrest Or just a citizen's list ? It's a citizen's list Which I hope to become an arrest with your help.
I got some here that are very interesting.
Most of the plates are nevada, Which, I think, because we're in nevada.
Adds up.
It makes sense.
I got-- we don't have indiana.
Look at this-- I got here this one-- A black-and-white police car ran that light.
I got the license here- 83752.
It's rhode island.
Yeah, we're allowed to do that.
That's us.
Oh, that's you ? This is an ambulance ran the light here.
Okay, they get to do that, too.
They can ? Oh, yeah.
Anything that goes, "whoo-whoo-whoo.
" Now, let me ask you this: If you guys drive your own cars when you're off duty And you go through that light, can you arrest yourself, then ? Oh, hell, I got to take this, yeah ? What's it say there on the invisible radio ? Uh-huh.
We should really get to that, don't you think ? Uh-oh, uh-oh ! My wonder woman radio was going off, so we should probably-- Why don't we take this ? And we will put it in the file.
Oh, okay.
Well, do you need my name or social security number ? We know it.
Do you have a private extension, if I call again ? Yes, we do.
It's 1-800-eat-shit No.
But that's not enough numbers.
Major bummer, jeff.
I didn't study for my geometry final today.
I'm, like, totally gonna fail.
Take a chill pill, susie.
Watch and learn.
( dialing ) report a bomb threat.
( gasps ) Thanks, jeff, you're da bomb.
Time out, jeff.
Stop, drop, and think.
Every fake bomb threat you call in Keeps us from stopping the hundreds of Real bombs Set to blow up in reno all the time, every day.
Gee, deputy, I didn't think of that.
One thing I've learned Bomb threats aren't da bomb.
That's right.
And this is deputy williams keeping it real-- Real safe.
All right, 28 What was the bandit's license-plate number ? And it ain't "bandit.
" A lot of people get it wrong.
A lot of people think it's "bandit.
" It ain't "bandit.
" All right, final question here-- What color were sally field's shorts ? Can you make that noise doing this ? It takes me a while.
Hold on, let me pull over.
Oh, we're in a school zone.
That's okay.
( squeaking ) ( sniffing ) It doesn't smell when you do that.
I know, that's weird.
Does yours ? Gosh, you're better-- no.
( chuckling ) no, it doesn't.
Mine smells a little like cheetos.
Oh Yeah, I smell that.
I smell that.
That's 'cause I just farted.
( loud rock music plays, young man screaming ) Oh, sweet lord almighty.
Hey, do you think-- do you think this is where They don't even notice us.
Hey, ho, ho, ho ! Stinky, stinky, stinky.
Holy tamole ! Guess why we're here.
Uh, we were, uh, we were-- Because you can hear your crappy band six miles away, And just constructive criticism-- You sound awful.
You really, really sound bad.
Really bad.
My god That's real nice.
Is this yours ? We borrowed that one.
( playing bluesy riff ) Hey, joe, you, uh, you play the drums a little bit, don't you ? Yeah, I love to play drums.
( both playing ) Clemmy, we're going to need some backup.
Anyway, I'm hoping That you will break your celibacy for me.
Oooh, careful ! I'm want to send in some white light.
You know, bring in the white light Into the energy field.
I was only doing it, like, To protest the war and stuff, I sorta of feel that.
I think the troops are moving out anyway.
Hey, buddy, do you mind, um-- Sorry, excuse me.
That's okay.
We'll just wait here.
Let me talk to him real quick.
Yeah, peace.
( chuckles ) Take your time.
Hey, dude.
( chuckles ) Whoo, it feels good.
Yeah ! What have we been doing all our lives ? Nothing, man.
Risking our necks for What ? I haven't had a beautiful woman touch me in 15 years, man.
I'm done.
Let's call it.
This is it, let's quit.
You're buddy, I'm kyle.
All right, kyle.
( both chuckle ) Oh, shit.
What ? That's him, man.
That's one-eyed jack.
Hey, freeze ! Freeze-- sheriff's department ! Oh, shit, what was I thinking ? What the hell was I thinking ? I love being a cop, man ! Go on, baby.
Go on.
I thought there used to be school.
I thought children used to go to school.
Apparently not anymore.
Apparently not anymore.
Now we drive around, and they play grand theft auto, And they get on the crack pipe at 4:00, And they're working for wal-mart.
Mama's in the basement Doing phone sex for 8 bucks an hour.
Dad's in the garage cooking up meth, Calling some other woman on the damn phone sex.
In some other basement coming down off of meth.
A web of fucking evil.
This is the worst country in the world.
I made up a word game.
I don't really want to play.
Okay, I'll play by myself.
No, what's your game ? Green.
Fun.
Tag.
Blue.
Ways to annoy your partner who's driving ? Yeah.
Bingo.
No, it's not bingo, it's a word game.
Responding to a 9-1-1 suicide attempt.
We got a jumper on the building.
Yo ! Yo ! Yo ! Hey, hey, hey ! What the hell are you doing up here, sir ? I'm base-jumping, baby.
I got my mind set now on the p-b-js, baby.
We got our mind set On you coming off this roof with us, okay ? I've jumped off the needle, the sears tower, The frank lloyd wright house in highland park, illinois.
Just a ranch house, but it was a start.
And now I'm ready to rock this building, baby.
Let's do it, let's do it ! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ! You want me to get down ? I want you to get down off the roof, sir.
Well, then, let's do it, baby ! Ho, ho, ho ! Hey ! Arrrrggghhh ! Holy shit, holy-- we need backup.
( crash ) We got one, uh, d-w-g-- Dead white guy.
♪ this ain't the end I saw you again ♪ ♪ today I had to hide my heart away, uh-huh ♪ ♪ you smile like the sun kisses for everyone ♪ ♪ and tales it never fails ♪ ♪ you lying so low in the weeds ♪ ♪ I bet you're gonna ambush me ♪ ♪ you'd have me down, down, down, down on my knees ♪ ( slide-whistle ) ♪ barracuda ♪ ♪ oh, ohhh ♪ Whoo ! Doctor said that it was going to come out natural.
Yeah, but we got to study it, We got to get it while it's fresh.
By the time it comes out natural These boys could be in california.
If we can't check it for prints, If we can't check for trauma, You're painting us into a corner.
We'll find a quiet spot in the parking lot out there, Try and get it out, and then get you on your way.
And you'll be good, okay ? Yeah.
Now, you was facing one way, hot dog man was behind you.
Are you sure it was just one hot dog ? It was a foot long, but it was just one.
A foot long.