Samantha Who? s02e12 Episode Script

You can't assume too much about anything from the outside.
Like a house you have to get inside and explore.
You never know what you might find.
Hey, mom, i think that this might be one of our more successful showings ever.
I found ham and that mustard that i love so much.
And as usual, i'm doing all the work.
You know, i should have just left you in the car with some water and cracked a window.
Well, i'm starving, okay? - We have been here all day.
- We've been here 20 minutes! I am just trying to build a business that we can be proud of.
But you know, i'm not angry.
I- i'm just disappointed.
Okay.
I am not 5 years old.
Do you really think that that's gonna work? Because it's it's not gonna work.
Okay, fine.
I'll try harder.
God! You got mustard on your face.
Go away from me! Okay.
Hello.
Welcome.
I'm samantha.
- Would you please sign in? - Lindsey.
Hi.
We really like the house.
Oh, good, good.
Let's see what we have here.
It's nice.
It's, uh, very much like one we're interested - over in elk ridge.
- Elk ridge? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- You do not want to live in elk ridge.
- Why? What's wrong with elk ridge? What isn't wrong with elk ridge? Look, lindsey, you seem a lot like me, and walnut valley is really the place for people like us.
People like us? You mean because elk ridge is a black neighborhood? What? Wait.
It is? - As if you didn't know.
- No.
I - people like you make me sick.
- No, i don't! What did what did i do? - Roger? - I don't understand what you're this is my husband.
Oh.
Hi.
Hello.
Look, i-i really i didn't know about elk ridge.
I've never even been there.
Okay? Not that i wouldn't go there.
It's just that look, i'm just trying to sell you a house, okay? I mean, i love black african american black people.
You want a ham sandwich? Wait a minute.
Ham that's not offensive, is it? Right? Mom! I don't even want to be doing this! Samantha who 212 They called me a racist.
I am not racist.
I voted obama, you know? I- i watch "oprah.
" My life is full of black people.
Mrs.
Butterworth she's technically black.
Do you actually know any black people? I feel like i know oprah.
So what? What, if i don't know any black people, then i'm automatically a racist? It's not like you have any black friends, right? Uh, five.
No, four now.
Shondra and i had a falling out when i didn't invite her to my kwanzaa party, but don't look at me.
I'm dating tony dane black and gay.
Two birds.
Wait a minute.
Before the accident, did i do anything that was racist? No.
A black guy, a white guy and two asians were in the mailroom one day.
Okay.
You fired them all.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I thought you were telling me a joke.
Ooh! Andrea, your boyfriend's on tv! Oh! Oh, turn it up, turn it up.
Maybe he'll mention me.
Well, it looks like pro basketballer tony dane is giving new meaning to the term "swish.
" Caught here by paparazzi, the great dane is making a full-court press on an unidentified male companion.
Representatives for dane could not be reached for comment, but an unnamed source within the organization did confirm that thatho was taken last night.
Oh, my god.
It's all over the private jets, thparties, the club openings.
Oh, sweetie, it's gonna be okay.
I- i'm sure you'll find another gay guy to pretend to love you.
Not like this one.
Hey.
Ms.
Newly.
Frank.
Frank! You're black! Shh! Keep it quiet.
I'm trying to get off for passover.
No! No, i thought i didn't have any black friends, but you're black, and we're friends.
No, ma'am.
No? 'cause you you seem kind of black.
I mean we are not friends.
Of course we are.
W- we see each other every day.
We talk.
We're friends.
What's my last name? It's, um where am i from? What's my wife's name? What's my son's name? Marcello.
Close.
I don't have a son.
Fine.
I'm not sure what it is you're doing, miss newly, but don't.
Friendships grow through time and shared experiences.
You carry my groceries.
You sign for my packages.
I mean, if those aren't shared experiences, then i good night, ms.
Newly.
Samantha.
Ms.
Newly.
Frank, seriously, you don't think we're friends? Because that's just not okay with me.
You know what? I'm not gonna stop until you and i are true-blue, pick-me-up-in-the-middle- of-the-night, drive-me-to-the-airport, hold-my-hair-back-when-i-puke kind of friends.
But i've already done all those things for you.
Not as friends.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Look at that on your lip.
That's, uh, it's, uh oh, shoot, what is that called? It's, um, it's like a mustache but not one.
Joke all you want, but you don't have a say in it.
You're not my girlfriend.
And apparently, you don't plan on having one.
Hi, frank.
Wassup? Hey, todd, it's my friend frank.
Is there any reason why you wouldn't come down and sign for this? Because all the fun is up here.
Come on.
Join us.
We've got food, and we have fun.
We got frank.
It's "f" day.
I can think of many other words that begin with "f," but i'd get fired.
"Fired" there's another "f.
" Sam? Yeah? You didn't order my black bean sauce again.
I'm sorry.
You always make sure your order's right, but you never think of me.
I always think of you.
Mm.
I just think of myself first.
Some people find that adorable.
Well, frank doesn't.
He'll come around.
He won't come around.
He doesn't want to be your friend.
Yeah, well, you know what? He also didn't want to drag out our dead christmas tree, but he did that.
I'll wear him down.
Why is this your project? Because for the last two years, i have been walking past that man, and i know nothing about him.
What does that say about me? Exactly.
About you.
You want more friends? Maybe think of their needs, what they want.
You know what? You're right.
And what frank wants is to be left alone.
I'm gonna bake him a pie.
* my friend frank * * how are you tonight? * oh, hi.
Can you please hold this for a second, please? Give me the purse.
No, i've got the purse fine.
Just can you hold the pie? Give me the purse.
Hurry up.
What? Oh, no.
Come on.
No.
I can't have you do this right now.
Oh, when would be a good time for you? No, you don't understand what i'm going through, and i really i cannot have you reinforcing a racial stereotype, okay? I'm really sorry.
You know, if you can't look past the color of my skin and see me as a man stealing your purse, i feel sorry for you.
How about this give me your address, and then i'll send you something later? Okay, uh, it's 4-2-2 give me the damn purse! What? No! I just got the but i there's a card in there for fra for frank.
Hello, andrea.
Hello, gin.
Andrea, it's me.
Heard about tony.
You passed on a relationship with me to be with a gay guy.
Believe me, that's the least of the reasons i passed on you.
Wow, it must be rough knowing you turned a guy gay.
I didn't turn anyone gay.
Hey, i'm not judging, okay? In fact, i'm willing to let you try it out on me.
Tony was already gay.
He asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend.
Okay, so what was in it for you? What do you think? The limos, the parties, photographs in "us" weekly.
I was so airbrushed and pretty and happy.
And now it's all gone.
I'm meeting with his people tomorrow so they can give me the big kiss-off.
I think i'm gonna miss the airbrushing the most.
Man, you are so afraid to be with someone.
What are you talkin' about afraid? Of being seen by someone who sees what you need and can really give it to you to take you in his arms and really, truly love you.
You want your olive back? Frank, you didn't have to call the police.
I only told you that i got mugged because i needed a ride home.
I want this guy caught.
My family lives in this neighborhood.
You do not live in this neighborhood.
What are you doing in this neighborhood? You're welcome for the lovely pie, frank.
What a nice friend.
I did not ask you for pie.
I did not ask you for balloons.
I did not ask to be your friend.
You're talking like a dr.
Seuss character.
Just a little bit.
Look, why don't we both just admit what this is all about? What? You're only pursuing this so you can ease your guilt about not having a black friend.
No, that is not true! I just want to be your friend, frank.
Period.
It's not about color.
That is everybody else's hang-up.
I have no guilt.
Okay? Thank you for coming, officers.
This here is ms.
Newly, the victim.
Yeah.
Hello, ma'am.
Can you tell us what your attacker looked like? Hi.
Yeah.
He he, um white guy.
Very white.
Blindingly so.
Yeah.
Morning, frank.
Uh, could you could you call me a cab to my mom's house? I'm sorry.
Todd is still picking up my car at your house.
And he's just taking forever.
He thinks it's really funny to change all my radio stations to gospel.
* hallelujah! * sorry.
Thank you for the pie.
Oh.
You're welcome.
Was it good? The important thing is you were reaching out, and i'm sorry.
I've become accustomed to shutting people out.
To your offer of kindness, then you wouldn't have needed to go to my home, and you wouldn't have been attacked.
Did you try the pie? The important thing is if you still want to be friends, que seamos amigos.
I suppose that would be okay, ms.
Newly.
Thok.
.
what? Samantha.
Yay! Oh! No, no.
Get off of me.
No.
Come on.
Oh, yes.
I'm gonna grab so mr.
Tony dane couldn't be bothered to show up, huh? Fine.
Let's do this.
First, i get to keep all the gifts.
Second, i still want to go to the grammys.
I was looking forward to that.
And i don't care how you arrange it, but i want to meet tiger woods, james gandolfini and captain jack sparrow.
Are you finished? And i want to carry the olympic torch.
Okay, now.
Here's our counteroffer.
Andrea belladonna, will you marry tony dane? Hey.
Hey! Where's your hideous red coat? If i have to wear the hideous red coat, so do you.
The showing has been cancelled.
The sellers fired us.
What? Why? Remember the potential buyers that couple you insulted? Well, they apparently own the hottest new steak house in town, and they're telling all their customers that we're a racist company.
What? Oh, and two other clients have fired us.
Okay, well, you know what? You can't blame that on me, 'cause there could be a million reasons why they fired us.
First of all, you know, we're not very good.
You are going to convince that couple you are not a racist unless, i don't know, maybe you really are.
Oh.
I mean, when you were a baby, you cried all the way through "the jeffersons.
" Mom! And you don't have any black friends.
Uh, yes, i do.
I have frank.
If they could see that, then this is a real nice steak house.
Mm-hmm thank you for inviting me.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
You know, when you do real estate, you don't just know about houses.
You know about steak houses, you know? Oh, excuse me, miss.
Um, hi.
Can i please talk to the owners? I, um, i don't like my steak, so i'm sorry.
I can get you another one.
No.
I'll eat it.
I just need to just need to tell someone.
Okay, i'll get the chef.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I need to talk to the owners.
Okay, i'll see what i can do.
No.
Skirt.
All right, thanks.
This is fun, huh? It is.
I'll admit as a rule i try to avoid being someone's first black friend.
They try too hard.
They start talking about halle berry, how they voted for obama, how much they love oprah.
Yeah.
Where are those owners? Hello.
I understand someone wanted to speak with the o you.
You own this place? I didn't know that.
I love it.
I love it.
So does my friend frank here.
This is frank.
Ah.
Your friend frank.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So now i guess we can just stop all that jibber-jabbering about who my friends are.
Oh, right, because you thought showing up with a black friend would stop us from reporting your racist company to the real estate board? Pardon me? Whoa, whoa.
Hey.
Just because frank here might be black i mean, is he? I don't know.
Are you black? 'cause i don't even see color at all does not mean that he is not my actual friend.
Okay? Please, frank, tell her.
Yes, ma'am! Why, miss samantha here she been real good to me.
See what i'm talk what? Oh, yes, yes! You see, lots of people, they don't take they doorman out for no fancy meal.
But miss samantha here she don't mind eatin' with the help! He's your doorman? No! He he's not just my doorman.
Oh, no! No, ma'am! Why, i also carry her thangs to and fro.
Why, she a real nice lady.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
First of all, dinner's on me.
I frank, come on.
Frank, please come back! Look, we we've preordered the soufflé! So now frank thinks that i was using him just to prove that i had a black friend.
Which you were.
No, i was not! I only used him after we had already become friends, okay? And then, yes, i behaved very badly.
You know, i don't think he's a good influence on me.
I might have to cut him out of my life.
So that's it? You're not gonna even try to be friends with him? What am i supposed to do? Quitter.
He doesn't want it.
He hasn't even filed a restraining order yet.
I mean, i waited 20 years to be your friend.
You put up a fight, but look where we are w.
Yep, here we are.
I mean, you'd be amazed at the beautiful friendships you can force on people.
Wow.
Hi! So what are you two losers doing in three months? Because i'm getting married! What? Oh, my god! Married to whom? To to whom.
Tony dane.
What do you think? What do i think? I think he's gay.
He's really gay, andrea.
And i think i've waited my entire life to tell my friends that i'm engaged.
So if you would just put aside the pesky details for one night and just get on board, okay? Yay! Yay! Oh, my god.
Let me see that.
It is stunning.
It's so pretty! See, tony's entering a contract year, and they don't want any bad press.
So they're gonna announce the engagement, and then all the designers are gonna bid to see who's gonna make my dress, and the wedding photos are already presold to "people" magazine, and they're paying gwen stefani best friend.
It's like a fairy tale.
I know.
I'll get us some champagne.
Oh.
Good.
Okay.
Se she called me a friend.
That didn't happen overnight.
Yeah, well, she's also marrying a gay dude, so she might not be in her right mind.
Three champagnes.
I'm engaged.
What about the other night? Did you not just hear what i said? I'm engaged.
You felt something between us, and i know you weren't that drunk.
Little tip don't ever underestimate how drunk i am.
You don't fool me.
I think i know the answer to this.
But do you care that i have a little girl in here who's trying to sleep? She'll be fine.
"Marceo" will take care of her.
If you came here to apologize no.
For wanting to be your friend? No.
Am i perfect, frank? No.
But we don't get to choose our friends.
I mean, do you really think that i chose dena and andrea? But there we are.
It's late, ms.
Newly.
Samantha.
Ms.
Newly.
We're going back to the way things were before.
Before dinner? Before your accident, when you were as mean as a snake and never gave me a glance.
I didn't have to know you.
I didn't have to care about you.
Aha! You said "care.
" I heard it, frank.
You said "care.
" Let's go.
Give me the money.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Seriously, guy, branch out.
Meet new people.
Oh, damn.
It's the chatty white lady with no money in her purse is this the man who mugged you? How can you have $5 and 10 lipsticks? You lied to the police.
Maybe.
But hey, you know what? If i had told them who my real mugger was, we wouldn't be sharing this right now.
Yeah, i'm aware of that.
Shared experiences, frank.
Remember? Plus you care about me.
You know what? If this guy shot me right here and now, you would miss me.
Hey, oh.
Well, hey, who's got a gun? Not me.
That's that's armed robbery whole different thing.
Just say it, frank.
Tell you what.
I'll close my eyes right now.
You kidnap my friend and if anybody asks, i'll say it was a white guy.
Now why are you talkin' about kidnappin'? Excuse me.
Hello? Oh! It's the police.
They found my mugger.
Hey, forget this.
I'd rather just get a job.
Um, are you are you sure it's it's him? 'cause my description was sort of vague and useless.
So, ma'am, just tell us if the man who robbed you is inside this room.
Mm.
Yeah, okay.
Wait a minute.
They can't they can't really see me, right? Why, do you see do you see the guy? 'cause we caught one of them breaking into your car with your keys.
Hey, todd, seriously, i am so sorry.
All right? Look, i-i'll bet you soon we'll we'll tell this story, and we'll just laugh and laugh.
Yeah.
What was your favorite part? Huh? Mine was the delousing.
Look, i'm sorry, okay? I- i had to come up with something really quickly, and i guess i just described the first guy i thought of.
Really? Yeah.
What? I was the first guy you thought of.
Oh, don't get all cocky.
Am i always the first guy you think of like in the morning, when you wake up? This you know what? Shut up.
It was probably just that stupid little ratty "mustache.
" Well, i'll grow it in some more if you like it so much.
Yeah, okay, you do that.
I'll see you in six months.
You can't even look me in the eye.
Should have had them put you away.
Ohh.
That was almost worth getting tasered.
Okay, so anyway, here's how to cure racism, and i want credit.
If everyone on earth just looks into the eyes of every other person, we'll all be friends, and there will be no racism.
Of course, the logistics will be a nightmare and require exceptional organizational skills.
Maybe the chinese can do it.
Hey! Hey.
We're friends now, right? Yes, absolutely! Good.
What? I need you to cover for me.
My band has a gig tonight.
Oh! * the color of your skin don't matter to me * can you call me a cab? * as long as we can live in harmony * * why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? * * why can't we *