Single Parents (2018) s02e12 Episode Script
Welcome to the Hilltop!
1 - [School bell rings.]
- Welcome to Hilltop.
[Chanting.]
No! No! Pete can't stay! Through Teachers-in-Service Day! You know, I don't know who Pete is, but I do know that you're embarrassing him.
Douglas, our beloved Hilltop parrot has to stay alone at school over the three-day weekend.
It's cruel.
Inhumane.
- Will you sign a petition - No.
Did you just dismiss my 8-year-old daughter's activism? - [Sophie chanting.]
- Activism? Come on.
Don't be Lollypop Boy.
What does that eve I'm sorry.
Am I supposed to understand that reference? No.
Honestly, it just got away from me.
- Ah.
- Don't you ignore me, Rocco! Don't be a part of the problem! Pete shouldn't have to spend the weekend alone, so Sophie's petitioning Vice Principal Yarble to let us take him home with us.
Man, I am so proud of that kid's conscience.
Oh, please.
You do it because it makes you look good.
- What? - The accolades.
10 bucks says that you're wearing a T-shirt - with Sophie's face on it.
- Pfft.
- Unzip the sweater.
Let me help you.
- I'm not going to.
- Don't touch me! It's my body! - Okay.
All right, fine, but you know damn well my resolution was to do more silk-screening.
[Laughs.]
There you go.
This is about helping Sophie develop a strong moral compass.
And, yes, I've picked out my suit for the Student of the Year ceremony.
Heads-up, this guy's going with maroon.
It's not a suit if it isn't black.
It's a costume.
She's the next Greta something.
Gosh! I wish I could remember her last name.
- She's so important.
- I bet.
Will Cooper.
Vice Principal Yarble! How are you? Terrible.
I was taking a cat nap when your daughter's screams awakened me.
- [Chanting continues.]
- Make her stop.
Let me coast into the sweet embrace of a three-day weekend.
I already laid out my pajamas.
Oh, she'll stop as soon as you agree to let us take Pete home for the weekend.
Oh, no.
Then another kid will want to take him home next weekend, and another, and soon I'll be running some kind of check-out process.
Don't make my life harder, Will Cooper.
Please, I can't take it.
Well, then, I'm sorry to say, Sophie's campaign will continue.
- [Scoffs.]
- No! No! Pete can't stay! That's my girl.
Greta Thunberg! Ah, that's the name.
I remembered.
Now, that is a face to silk-screen.
[Chuckles.]
Sophie! Release Rocco from the headlock.
That's not how we want to get our signatures.
Rocco, sign the petition.
02x12 - Welcome to the Hilltop! [Pete squawks, whistles.]
And then Pronstroller was all, like, "Should we just do the damn thing?" And I was all, like, "Uh, yeah.
" And then, bam.
Exclusive relationship, wassup? [Exhales sharply.]
Happy for you.
And thank you for walking me through all the physical acts preceding that conversation.
You're welcome.
But, yo, I think I'm in love.
I gave her one of my hats.
Wow.
Now, hat's a big deal.
Mnh-mnh.
Don't do that.
I was being open and vulnerable with you right now.
Oh, there she is.
She's coming to pick me up.
Total girlfriend move! Mm.
[Both moan.]
[Sighs.]
- We enjoy long hugs.
- That's hot as hell.
Just got an earful of Miggy love.
Can we talk about anything else? Let's see, not much going on with me.
I finally tried a Baked Lay.
Don't know who those are for.
Mnh.
Poppy! [Giggles.]
Oh.
Here we go.
Ooh, isn't that Ron's new piece? His wife, Angie.
Her name's Sharon.
You were at her wedding.
You took a million pics together.
- Geez.
My memory is garbagio.
- Hey, Poppy! What's poppin', Poppy? What's poppin'? Okay, we can just start talking, Sharon.
I'm assuming you're here because Ron did something stupid.
Is the accent back? Oh, no wine for me, uh, because, big news we're pregnant! [Giggles.]
Get in here.
Touch it.
- Mm.
- Kiss it.
Say your name to it so it knows who you are.
Wow-eee! Poppy, did you hear that news? - Yes, Angela, I heard.
- And we're happy? I'm just trying to follow your lead here.
Congratulations, Sharon.
Gonna go neutral.
Got it.
Oh, Poppy, you should come with me to my ultrasound today.
I'm gonna find out the sex.
Ooh! Wow! Oh, God, this is a tough one.
I already, uh, promised Angie that I would hang out with her today.
She's having, uh, gastrointestinal problems.
Yeah, it's just flowing through her.
She's wearing a diaper right now.
Come on, man.
Yeah, it's true.
My doc says that my butt tubes are all out of whack.
Sucks.
Oh.
Gross.
[Chuckles.]
Well, next time, then? Maybe.
You know what? So sorry.
We have to go.
Yeah, I can tell by Angie's face she's in great distress.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, that was big news, and I am here for you, but we have to discuss why every on-the-fly excuse - involves me dropping heat in my pants.
- Copy that.
[Squeegee squeaks.]
Ugh.
How am I getting worse? - PETE: [Squawks.]
Welcome to Hilltop.
- [Chuckles.]
Thanks, Pete.
Wait, what? [Gasps.]
Sophie Cooper, did you steal that bird? I saved him.
You told me my moral compass would never steer me wrong.
Oh, boy.
That does sound like me.
We'll give Pete a great weekend and then bring him back before school starts.
I know stealing is wrong, but in this case, I really believe it's the right thing to do.
Okay, wow.
I raised a remarkable young woman.
Great dad! Did you just say "great dad" to yourself? - Sorry, what? - Welcome to Hilltop.
Okay.
Pete can stay.
It is such a bummer they keep him cooped up.
Poor guy's probably never even flown before.
Pete, it's just you and me now.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Welcome to Hilltop.
[Squawks.]
[Scoffs.]
That was wild back there, huh? You know what? I'm gonna be here for you.
Today, I'm Poppy.
Okay, so, your ex-husband is having a baby.
Talk to me.
How do you feel? Honestly? Weird.
I mean, she invited me to her ultrasound, Ang.
I didn't knock her up.
Why is it my damn problem? - It's not! - You know what I think? It's a generational thing.
Sharon's 23.
The youth today have no concept of boundaries.
Millennials.
God! I hate them! No respect.
It's like, this is a society.
We have rules for a reason.
Ma'am, you have to pay for that.
Ang, you know we're Millennials, too, right? [Muffled.]
Yeah, but you get it.
Mm.
Yeah, anyway, back to Sharon.
What's next? She wants me present for the actual birth? Gosh.
I'm gonna wrap my legs around her, "Handmaid's Tale" -style? Uch, hate that show.
- I've never seen it.
- [Gasps.]
Hold up.
Is that? Miggy's girlfriend with a man that's not Miggy.
A smokin'-hot man.
This is s-so messed! Just today, he was telling me they're exclusive.
- [Gasps.]
See? - Uh-huh.
- See? - Uh-huh.
- See? - Uh-huh.
- See?! - Uh-huh! - This is exactly what I was talking about.
- Exactly! We're not gonna let her burn Miggy like this.
- In fact, we're gonna follow them.
- Yeah.
- Catch them in the act.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- So, just to be clear, you want to deal with Sharon's pregnancy by - tailing Miggy's girlfriend? - You bet your ass I do.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Because I am done letting this over-sharing, milk-hating, rotary-phone-not-remembering generation get away with it! You in? - Let's ride.
- All right.
Hey, for the cookies.
And whatever else my friend stole while she was here.
Washin' spoons Washin' the dishes - Scrubbin' forks - Hey, Dad.
I'm washin' a knife Washin' spoons First I'm gonna wash, then I'll let 'em dry 'Cause I'm washin' it all Yeah, I'm washin' the dishes Scrubbin' forks, scrubbin' the knives Washin' bowls This is it, Pete, the moment you've been denied your whole life.
It's time to fly! Welcome to Hilltop.
Wait - [Singing indistinctly.]
- [Thud.]
Sophie, what was that?! I just wanted him to fly, as nature intended.
And because I loved him, I assumed he would fly back to me.
Aw, honey, you couldn't have known his wings were clipped.
I'm a murderer.
You are not a murderer.
The upturned rake that Pete fell directly onto is the murderer.
You just made a mistake.
A mistake that resulted in the death of an innocent bird.
And the only thing I can do now is to be honest and turn myself in to Yarble.
Which means it's over.
I can kiss that future we planned for me goodbye.
I know you just saw a bird die, but I think you're being a little dramatic.
Am I? I'll probably get a suspension, which means that'll take me out of the running for Student of the Year.
That stings.
Especially since we set aside such a good spot on the Sophie shelf.
I said goodbye to all of that the day that I threw that bird off the roof.
That was today.
Wait.
Sophie, what are you doing? I'm removing these reminders of my former self.
I'm going nowhere.
Well just to play devil's if you turn yourself in and lose your good standing, you won't be able to fight for things in the future.
And that wouldn't be right.
Sophie, do you think that maybe your guilt is punishment enough? I mean, Pete wouldn't want you to lose everything over this, right? No.
He would want to welcome me to Hilltop.
That's right, he would.
But what are we gonna do? Vice Principal Yarble's gonna see that Pete's missing, and she'll know it was me.
[Sighs.]
Not if we cover it up.
You and I aren't built for lying.
[Sighs.]
You're right.
We'll never be able to pull this off.
We need a bad person.
Someone 100% morally bankrupt.
I understand our services are needed.
We hear there's evidence that needs to be destroyed.
Don't worry.
We're discreet.
Ugh, they just opened another bottle of wine.
[Both scoff.]
When are Pronstroller and Round Head McNormal Face gonna smush already? I'm hungry.
Don't people usually have snacks at these stakeouts? [Blowing.]
You're offering me loose beef jerky from your glove compartment? Sorry, princess.
Oh, hell yeah, that's hard to eat.
Also, you own a tiny spy telescope? Wanna tell me the story of buying that? Just very curious about your headspace during that time of purchase.
Thank you for your question.
- First of all, it's a spyglass.
- Oh.
And it was reasonably priced at 400 tickets at Dave & B's, which I easily won rippin' it at Skee-Ball.
You know what? You and I are best friends, but we have very different approaches to our recreational time.
Yes.
See? That is great stakeout banter.
Check us out, just two odd-couple, buddy-cop knucklebutts camped out in a van, razzing each other while we eagle-eye some dirtbags.
Enh! That's right.
[Cellphone vibrates.]
[Sighs.]
Are you okay? Your phone need juice? I have seven different chargers, none of them for contemporary phones, but we could cobble something together.
It's Sharon.
She sent me her sonogram.
It's a girl.
Beautiful, healthy, well-positioned girl.
[Voice breaking.]
Rory's little sister.
I think I'm ready to talk about how I'm really feeling.
Oh, yeah, that sounds about right.
- Okay.
- Come here.
[Crying.]
Poppy's got ya.
[Power tools whirring.]
I don't know how you can eat while the twins are [Whispering.]
disposing of the body.
Well, I guess seeing you fall off your high horse left me a bit peckish.
"All I care about is my daughter's moral compass.
" Ha! Bunk.
You're bunk, Lollypop Boy.
Yeah, that's right.
I took it, and it sounds better coming out of my mouth.
I'm not judging.
I'm just merely labeling your hypocrisy and thinking less of you for it.
Fine.
Do I enjoy being the father of a high-achieving daughter? Of course.
Do I have an 18-year plan where she goes to Harvard but then eschews that for a prestigious New York university to chase after the love of her life, just like Felicity? I do.
And do I sometimes picture myself with the Felicity haircut? You know, not the good one, but the one everyone says is bad but I think I could pull off? It's really busy up there, isn't it? Look, can you help us or not? Yes, I can help you.
Sophie! Listen, it's time to construct the perfect alibi, but the key is that you have to really believe your own story.
Okay? You got it? I-I think so.
Okay.
Where were you at 3:00 P.
M.
? Th-The mall? Baloney! Now, close your eyes and see the store you're in.
Feel it.
Smell it.
Okay.
I was in Claire's.
No! TCBY.
And what did you buy? Homework? At a yogurt store? Okay, see, your head's not in the game.
Take a lap! All right, give it to me straight.
She's gonna blow this, right? She's the worst liar I've ever seen.
And kids are usually good at it.
They're dumb enough to believe what they're saying.
Damn it, I raised too good of a daughter.
But at least we have all weekend to figure it out.
[Doorbell rings.]
Will Cooper.
The Hilltop parrot is missing.
I assume it was Sophie.
Thus, I am here on Friday afternoon of my three-day weekend to investigate.
Why do you hate me? It just feels impossible to wrap my head around the idea of Rory having a sibling that isn't my kid.
And Sharon can tell me to kiss her belly all she wants to, but the truth is, I'm not a part of this, Ang.
And Rory will be.
Yeah, that's gotta be really hard to process.
Especially with Sharon sending you pictures of her gross new body roommate.
Ugh.
Sorry, all babies are miracles.
Proof of God.
And it's not like I can confront Sharon and tell her how I feel.
No, I have to be the perfect ex-wife.
Gracious, evolved, always has gum.
I'm not allowed to get upset, and sometimes I wanna get upset.
Well, then, do it.
Get upset.
Come on.
Let it out.
Let it out on these losers.
Ugh, kissing in the window, like they're the leg lamp from that Christmas movie.
Hell yeah.
Let's go bust some skulls! Yeah, let's go show them what a real kiss looks like! Yeah! Wait.
What do you think we're about to do, Angie? Okay, so, we need a plan so they open the door.
Do you have an air horn? What? No, I'm not a morning radio deejay.
- I do not have an air horn.
- [Door opens.]
Angie? Poppy? Uh - Who are you? - Your worst nightmare.
Yeah, your worst nightmare, you hot biatch! Who do you guys think you are? You, cheating on Miggy? Really? I should bust you over the head with Angie's spyglass.
No, Poppy! I earned this.
You kids do whatever you want without any regard for the boundaries we've agreed on as a society.
- Poppy - You just invite people to your ultrasound and force-confront them with your baby's sex, never considering how that might be making them feel! - What's that, now? - Uh, Pop, you're veering.
I hear it.
I'm bringing it home.
- You - Poppy! I thought I heard your scary, scoldy mom voice.
What are you guys doing here? What are you doing here? Oh, you know my girlfriend, Homily.
And this is Brian, our boyfriend.
- Ohhhhhh.
- Ohhhhhh.
We were just barging in 'cause Angie's got to use your toilet.
- It's a diarrhea thing.
- Dude, seriously.
Why? Okay, so the three of you are dating each other? Yeah, we're a throuple.
I've never been happier.
I-I-I call my mom now.
I don't know how that relates.
[Chuckles.]
Dang.
Y'all are cheesin' hard.
Miggy, did I even know you dated guys? No, you've met his boyfriends before.
Remember Chubby Mario Lopez? Yeah, if you're confused, he looked exactly like Mario Lopez but chubby.
Oh, yeah, he was dope.
Okay, I guess I did know.
Sorry, this old brain basket of mine's got a lot of holes in it.
It's all good, bro.
I don't really dig labels.
It's just more of the vibe for me.
And right now, I'm vibin' double.
[Clicks tongue.]
[Clicks tongue.]
- Angie, no.
- What, I can't wink? You are not part of the group.
[Sighs.]
I have a question.
Sorry to sound like the old Millennial, but how does this work? Anybody ever feel left out or? We have a three-pronged approach for working through the sticky stuff radical honesty, active listening, and open communication.
And it just works.
Well, now I want to be in a throuple! How did you guys meet? Oh, there's a poly dating app.
It's called Big Bed.
And, Brian, you're on it? Okay.
Sophie Cooper, at 3:00 P.
M.
this afternoon, I was crawling into my indoor hammock, firing up an audiobook on self-compassion.
I had just put down my cat for a nap.
Okay.
- Where were you at that time? - I was shopping at the center for shopping? [Exhales slowly.]
The Eagle Rock mall.
First floor.
Claire's.
By yourself? No, Douglas took me with Emma and Amy after school, and then he brought me home, which is why he's here now.
Next question.
[Whispering.]
My God, she's doing it.
She's good at lying.
[Whispering.]
We did it.
We destroyed her inner conscience.
Now there's no stopping her.
May be time to break out that Harvard bumper sticker.
Though, I can tell you one thing, can't hold a damn candle to SUNY Buffalo.
Did you purchase anything? Yes, two scrunchies and a towel with a drawing of a muscled body on it.
My dad loves joke towels.
All right.
Seems like you have your story straight.
[Sighs.]
Don't know what to do now.
Got no leads.
Sounds like another A-plus weekend for old Yarbs.
Well, 62 bad years under my belt.
What's one more? Yeah, it's my birthday.
Thanks, Dad.
Man, now that I've lost that pesky moral-compass thing, let's fill up that Sophie shelf until it explodes! I'm riding these hollow insides to the top.
Wait! Vice Principal Yarble! You're screaming.
I'm right here.
Sophie's lying, but I-I told her to lie.
- It's my fault.
- Dad, no! No, I led her astray.
We should never have tried to cover this up.
The truth is, yes, she stole the bird, okay? But only because she was following her conscience.
Dad! We were getting away with it.
Yeah, but at what cost, bud? You have such a great heart, and you should always follow it.
Consequences be damned.
Who cares if I only have Felicity's curly hair in my dreams? Look, the only crime was her lie, and I told her to do that.
So if you're gonna blame anybody, blame me.
Okay.
I will blame you.
- Oh, thank God.
- And her.
What? But But she didn't do anything.
She didn't even mean to kill the bird.
The bird's dead?! Okay, well, now you're screaming.
Look, both of us will accept any punishment coming our way.
And what was your part in all this? - [Door opens.]
- Oh, nothing.
- Just hanging with my buds.
- [Door closes.]
Deed's done.
Time to settle up.
We can charge by hour or by weight of the remains.
My girls don't leave prints, Yarble.
You'll never be able to prove anything.
Happy birthday.
That throuple seemed so happy and supportive of each other.
Are youths smart? Did Miggy just teach me something about relationships? Did Brian have the bluest eyes you've ever seen? - Huh? - I'm sorry.
I thought we were just asking questions about the day.
I can't believe that I'm gonna say this, but maybe you should try the three-pronged approach with Sharon.
You know, the more honest you are, the easier this will all be.
Wow.
That's good advice.
I can't believe Rory's about to have a little sister.
It's actually pretty cool.
Yeah.
Hey, thanks for getting me through tonight.
[Sighs.]
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I did it.
Am I Poppy? Well, real Poppy wouldn't have ran out of gas on the way home.
But yeah, you did it.
[Sighs.]
Great.
[Chuckles.]
So in another news, I'm already killing it on Big Bed.
Okay.
[School bell rings.]
Pete looks different.
Nah, he just missed us.
How was your weekend, Pete? [Squawks.]
Welcome to Toyota of Lancaster.
It's the same bird.
Move along.
Why is there so much trash on the ground? Why is everything so wet? Dad, I'm sorry we won't be celebrating me as Student of the Year.
Well, it turns out I'm not really a maroon guy, and it was a Zara off-the-rack suit, so super baggy in the butt.
Probably best if I don't wear it at all.
And I'm really proud of you.
And I'm proud of you, too.
Mostly for becoming a sociopath-level liar in one afternoon.
And also for standing up for what you believe in.
Ooh.
I want to show you this.
Huh? [Chuckles.]
[Chuckling.]
Is that you? Yeah.
I fought for a cause or two.
After all, I was a child of the '70s.
- 1870s.
- Hey-oh! - Boys! - [Boys laugh.]
Okay, look, the point is, kids are dumb dreamers, but, you know, maybe that phase is good for something, huh? Wow.
That was almost touching.
Thanks, Douglas.
Since when did the kids get so comfortable calling me by my first name? Back to work.
Special reward if anyone finds my retainer.
Yes, Ms.
Yarble.
Don't do that.
- Welcome to Hilltop.
[Chanting.]
No! No! Pete can't stay! Through Teachers-in-Service Day! You know, I don't know who Pete is, but I do know that you're embarrassing him.
Douglas, our beloved Hilltop parrot has to stay alone at school over the three-day weekend.
It's cruel.
Inhumane.
- Will you sign a petition - No.
Did you just dismiss my 8-year-old daughter's activism? - [Sophie chanting.]
- Activism? Come on.
Don't be Lollypop Boy.
What does that eve I'm sorry.
Am I supposed to understand that reference? No.
Honestly, it just got away from me.
- Ah.
- Don't you ignore me, Rocco! Don't be a part of the problem! Pete shouldn't have to spend the weekend alone, so Sophie's petitioning Vice Principal Yarble to let us take him home with us.
Man, I am so proud of that kid's conscience.
Oh, please.
You do it because it makes you look good.
- What? - The accolades.
10 bucks says that you're wearing a T-shirt - with Sophie's face on it.
- Pfft.
- Unzip the sweater.
Let me help you.
- I'm not going to.
- Don't touch me! It's my body! - Okay.
All right, fine, but you know damn well my resolution was to do more silk-screening.
[Laughs.]
There you go.
This is about helping Sophie develop a strong moral compass.
And, yes, I've picked out my suit for the Student of the Year ceremony.
Heads-up, this guy's going with maroon.
It's not a suit if it isn't black.
It's a costume.
She's the next Greta something.
Gosh! I wish I could remember her last name.
- She's so important.
- I bet.
Will Cooper.
Vice Principal Yarble! How are you? Terrible.
I was taking a cat nap when your daughter's screams awakened me.
- [Chanting continues.]
- Make her stop.
Let me coast into the sweet embrace of a three-day weekend.
I already laid out my pajamas.
Oh, she'll stop as soon as you agree to let us take Pete home for the weekend.
Oh, no.
Then another kid will want to take him home next weekend, and another, and soon I'll be running some kind of check-out process.
Don't make my life harder, Will Cooper.
Please, I can't take it.
Well, then, I'm sorry to say, Sophie's campaign will continue.
- [Scoffs.]
- No! No! Pete can't stay! That's my girl.
Greta Thunberg! Ah, that's the name.
I remembered.
Now, that is a face to silk-screen.
[Chuckles.]
Sophie! Release Rocco from the headlock.
That's not how we want to get our signatures.
Rocco, sign the petition.
02x12 - Welcome to the Hilltop! [Pete squawks, whistles.]
And then Pronstroller was all, like, "Should we just do the damn thing?" And I was all, like, "Uh, yeah.
" And then, bam.
Exclusive relationship, wassup? [Exhales sharply.]
Happy for you.
And thank you for walking me through all the physical acts preceding that conversation.
You're welcome.
But, yo, I think I'm in love.
I gave her one of my hats.
Wow.
Now, hat's a big deal.
Mnh-mnh.
Don't do that.
I was being open and vulnerable with you right now.
Oh, there she is.
She's coming to pick me up.
Total girlfriend move! Mm.
[Both moan.]
[Sighs.]
- We enjoy long hugs.
- That's hot as hell.
Just got an earful of Miggy love.
Can we talk about anything else? Let's see, not much going on with me.
I finally tried a Baked Lay.
Don't know who those are for.
Mnh.
Poppy! [Giggles.]
Oh.
Here we go.
Ooh, isn't that Ron's new piece? His wife, Angie.
Her name's Sharon.
You were at her wedding.
You took a million pics together.
- Geez.
My memory is garbagio.
- Hey, Poppy! What's poppin', Poppy? What's poppin'? Okay, we can just start talking, Sharon.
I'm assuming you're here because Ron did something stupid.
Is the accent back? Oh, no wine for me, uh, because, big news we're pregnant! [Giggles.]
Get in here.
Touch it.
- Mm.
- Kiss it.
Say your name to it so it knows who you are.
Wow-eee! Poppy, did you hear that news? - Yes, Angela, I heard.
- And we're happy? I'm just trying to follow your lead here.
Congratulations, Sharon.
Gonna go neutral.
Got it.
Oh, Poppy, you should come with me to my ultrasound today.
I'm gonna find out the sex.
Ooh! Wow! Oh, God, this is a tough one.
I already, uh, promised Angie that I would hang out with her today.
She's having, uh, gastrointestinal problems.
Yeah, it's just flowing through her.
She's wearing a diaper right now.
Come on, man.
Yeah, it's true.
My doc says that my butt tubes are all out of whack.
Sucks.
Oh.
Gross.
[Chuckles.]
Well, next time, then? Maybe.
You know what? So sorry.
We have to go.
Yeah, I can tell by Angie's face she's in great distress.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, that was big news, and I am here for you, but we have to discuss why every on-the-fly excuse - involves me dropping heat in my pants.
- Copy that.
[Squeegee squeaks.]
Ugh.
How am I getting worse? - PETE: [Squawks.]
Welcome to Hilltop.
- [Chuckles.]
Thanks, Pete.
Wait, what? [Gasps.]
Sophie Cooper, did you steal that bird? I saved him.
You told me my moral compass would never steer me wrong.
Oh, boy.
That does sound like me.
We'll give Pete a great weekend and then bring him back before school starts.
I know stealing is wrong, but in this case, I really believe it's the right thing to do.
Okay, wow.
I raised a remarkable young woman.
Great dad! Did you just say "great dad" to yourself? - Sorry, what? - Welcome to Hilltop.
Okay.
Pete can stay.
It is such a bummer they keep him cooped up.
Poor guy's probably never even flown before.
Pete, it's just you and me now.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Welcome to Hilltop.
[Squawks.]
[Scoffs.]
That was wild back there, huh? You know what? I'm gonna be here for you.
Today, I'm Poppy.
Okay, so, your ex-husband is having a baby.
Talk to me.
How do you feel? Honestly? Weird.
I mean, she invited me to her ultrasound, Ang.
I didn't knock her up.
Why is it my damn problem? - It's not! - You know what I think? It's a generational thing.
Sharon's 23.
The youth today have no concept of boundaries.
Millennials.
God! I hate them! No respect.
It's like, this is a society.
We have rules for a reason.
Ma'am, you have to pay for that.
Ang, you know we're Millennials, too, right? [Muffled.]
Yeah, but you get it.
Mm.
Yeah, anyway, back to Sharon.
What's next? She wants me present for the actual birth? Gosh.
I'm gonna wrap my legs around her, "Handmaid's Tale" -style? Uch, hate that show.
- I've never seen it.
- [Gasps.]
Hold up.
Is that? Miggy's girlfriend with a man that's not Miggy.
A smokin'-hot man.
This is s-so messed! Just today, he was telling me they're exclusive.
- [Gasps.]
See? - Uh-huh.
- See? - Uh-huh.
- See? - Uh-huh.
- See?! - Uh-huh! - This is exactly what I was talking about.
- Exactly! We're not gonna let her burn Miggy like this.
- In fact, we're gonna follow them.
- Yeah.
- Catch them in the act.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- So, just to be clear, you want to deal with Sharon's pregnancy by - tailing Miggy's girlfriend? - You bet your ass I do.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Because I am done letting this over-sharing, milk-hating, rotary-phone-not-remembering generation get away with it! You in? - Let's ride.
- All right.
Hey, for the cookies.
And whatever else my friend stole while she was here.
Washin' spoons Washin' the dishes - Scrubbin' forks - Hey, Dad.
I'm washin' a knife Washin' spoons First I'm gonna wash, then I'll let 'em dry 'Cause I'm washin' it all Yeah, I'm washin' the dishes Scrubbin' forks, scrubbin' the knives Washin' bowls This is it, Pete, the moment you've been denied your whole life.
It's time to fly! Welcome to Hilltop.
Wait - [Singing indistinctly.]
- [Thud.]
Sophie, what was that?! I just wanted him to fly, as nature intended.
And because I loved him, I assumed he would fly back to me.
Aw, honey, you couldn't have known his wings were clipped.
I'm a murderer.
You are not a murderer.
The upturned rake that Pete fell directly onto is the murderer.
You just made a mistake.
A mistake that resulted in the death of an innocent bird.
And the only thing I can do now is to be honest and turn myself in to Yarble.
Which means it's over.
I can kiss that future we planned for me goodbye.
I know you just saw a bird die, but I think you're being a little dramatic.
Am I? I'll probably get a suspension, which means that'll take me out of the running for Student of the Year.
That stings.
Especially since we set aside such a good spot on the Sophie shelf.
I said goodbye to all of that the day that I threw that bird off the roof.
That was today.
Wait.
Sophie, what are you doing? I'm removing these reminders of my former self.
I'm going nowhere.
Well just to play devil's if you turn yourself in and lose your good standing, you won't be able to fight for things in the future.
And that wouldn't be right.
Sophie, do you think that maybe your guilt is punishment enough? I mean, Pete wouldn't want you to lose everything over this, right? No.
He would want to welcome me to Hilltop.
That's right, he would.
But what are we gonna do? Vice Principal Yarble's gonna see that Pete's missing, and she'll know it was me.
[Sighs.]
Not if we cover it up.
You and I aren't built for lying.
[Sighs.]
You're right.
We'll never be able to pull this off.
We need a bad person.
Someone 100% morally bankrupt.
I understand our services are needed.
We hear there's evidence that needs to be destroyed.
Don't worry.
We're discreet.
Ugh, they just opened another bottle of wine.
[Both scoff.]
When are Pronstroller and Round Head McNormal Face gonna smush already? I'm hungry.
Don't people usually have snacks at these stakeouts? [Blowing.]
You're offering me loose beef jerky from your glove compartment? Sorry, princess.
Oh, hell yeah, that's hard to eat.
Also, you own a tiny spy telescope? Wanna tell me the story of buying that? Just very curious about your headspace during that time of purchase.
Thank you for your question.
- First of all, it's a spyglass.
- Oh.
And it was reasonably priced at 400 tickets at Dave & B's, which I easily won rippin' it at Skee-Ball.
You know what? You and I are best friends, but we have very different approaches to our recreational time.
Yes.
See? That is great stakeout banter.
Check us out, just two odd-couple, buddy-cop knucklebutts camped out in a van, razzing each other while we eagle-eye some dirtbags.
Enh! That's right.
[Cellphone vibrates.]
[Sighs.]
Are you okay? Your phone need juice? I have seven different chargers, none of them for contemporary phones, but we could cobble something together.
It's Sharon.
She sent me her sonogram.
It's a girl.
Beautiful, healthy, well-positioned girl.
[Voice breaking.]
Rory's little sister.
I think I'm ready to talk about how I'm really feeling.
Oh, yeah, that sounds about right.
- Okay.
- Come here.
[Crying.]
Poppy's got ya.
[Power tools whirring.]
I don't know how you can eat while the twins are [Whispering.]
disposing of the body.
Well, I guess seeing you fall off your high horse left me a bit peckish.
"All I care about is my daughter's moral compass.
" Ha! Bunk.
You're bunk, Lollypop Boy.
Yeah, that's right.
I took it, and it sounds better coming out of my mouth.
I'm not judging.
I'm just merely labeling your hypocrisy and thinking less of you for it.
Fine.
Do I enjoy being the father of a high-achieving daughter? Of course.
Do I have an 18-year plan where she goes to Harvard but then eschews that for a prestigious New York university to chase after the love of her life, just like Felicity? I do.
And do I sometimes picture myself with the Felicity haircut? You know, not the good one, but the one everyone says is bad but I think I could pull off? It's really busy up there, isn't it? Look, can you help us or not? Yes, I can help you.
Sophie! Listen, it's time to construct the perfect alibi, but the key is that you have to really believe your own story.
Okay? You got it? I-I think so.
Okay.
Where were you at 3:00 P.
M.
? Th-The mall? Baloney! Now, close your eyes and see the store you're in.
Feel it.
Smell it.
Okay.
I was in Claire's.
No! TCBY.
And what did you buy? Homework? At a yogurt store? Okay, see, your head's not in the game.
Take a lap! All right, give it to me straight.
She's gonna blow this, right? She's the worst liar I've ever seen.
And kids are usually good at it.
They're dumb enough to believe what they're saying.
Damn it, I raised too good of a daughter.
But at least we have all weekend to figure it out.
[Doorbell rings.]
Will Cooper.
The Hilltop parrot is missing.
I assume it was Sophie.
Thus, I am here on Friday afternoon of my three-day weekend to investigate.
Why do you hate me? It just feels impossible to wrap my head around the idea of Rory having a sibling that isn't my kid.
And Sharon can tell me to kiss her belly all she wants to, but the truth is, I'm not a part of this, Ang.
And Rory will be.
Yeah, that's gotta be really hard to process.
Especially with Sharon sending you pictures of her gross new body roommate.
Ugh.
Sorry, all babies are miracles.
Proof of God.
And it's not like I can confront Sharon and tell her how I feel.
No, I have to be the perfect ex-wife.
Gracious, evolved, always has gum.
I'm not allowed to get upset, and sometimes I wanna get upset.
Well, then, do it.
Get upset.
Come on.
Let it out.
Let it out on these losers.
Ugh, kissing in the window, like they're the leg lamp from that Christmas movie.
Hell yeah.
Let's go bust some skulls! Yeah, let's go show them what a real kiss looks like! Yeah! Wait.
What do you think we're about to do, Angie? Okay, so, we need a plan so they open the door.
Do you have an air horn? What? No, I'm not a morning radio deejay.
- I do not have an air horn.
- [Door opens.]
Angie? Poppy? Uh - Who are you? - Your worst nightmare.
Yeah, your worst nightmare, you hot biatch! Who do you guys think you are? You, cheating on Miggy? Really? I should bust you over the head with Angie's spyglass.
No, Poppy! I earned this.
You kids do whatever you want without any regard for the boundaries we've agreed on as a society.
- Poppy - You just invite people to your ultrasound and force-confront them with your baby's sex, never considering how that might be making them feel! - What's that, now? - Uh, Pop, you're veering.
I hear it.
I'm bringing it home.
- You - Poppy! I thought I heard your scary, scoldy mom voice.
What are you guys doing here? What are you doing here? Oh, you know my girlfriend, Homily.
And this is Brian, our boyfriend.
- Ohhhhhh.
- Ohhhhhh.
We were just barging in 'cause Angie's got to use your toilet.
- It's a diarrhea thing.
- Dude, seriously.
Why? Okay, so the three of you are dating each other? Yeah, we're a throuple.
I've never been happier.
I-I-I call my mom now.
I don't know how that relates.
[Chuckles.]
Dang.
Y'all are cheesin' hard.
Miggy, did I even know you dated guys? No, you've met his boyfriends before.
Remember Chubby Mario Lopez? Yeah, if you're confused, he looked exactly like Mario Lopez but chubby.
Oh, yeah, he was dope.
Okay, I guess I did know.
Sorry, this old brain basket of mine's got a lot of holes in it.
It's all good, bro.
I don't really dig labels.
It's just more of the vibe for me.
And right now, I'm vibin' double.
[Clicks tongue.]
[Clicks tongue.]
- Angie, no.
- What, I can't wink? You are not part of the group.
[Sighs.]
I have a question.
Sorry to sound like the old Millennial, but how does this work? Anybody ever feel left out or? We have a three-pronged approach for working through the sticky stuff radical honesty, active listening, and open communication.
And it just works.
Well, now I want to be in a throuple! How did you guys meet? Oh, there's a poly dating app.
It's called Big Bed.
And, Brian, you're on it? Okay.
Sophie Cooper, at 3:00 P.
M.
this afternoon, I was crawling into my indoor hammock, firing up an audiobook on self-compassion.
I had just put down my cat for a nap.
Okay.
- Where were you at that time? - I was shopping at the center for shopping? [Exhales slowly.]
The Eagle Rock mall.
First floor.
Claire's.
By yourself? No, Douglas took me with Emma and Amy after school, and then he brought me home, which is why he's here now.
Next question.
[Whispering.]
My God, she's doing it.
She's good at lying.
[Whispering.]
We did it.
We destroyed her inner conscience.
Now there's no stopping her.
May be time to break out that Harvard bumper sticker.
Though, I can tell you one thing, can't hold a damn candle to SUNY Buffalo.
Did you purchase anything? Yes, two scrunchies and a towel with a drawing of a muscled body on it.
My dad loves joke towels.
All right.
Seems like you have your story straight.
[Sighs.]
Don't know what to do now.
Got no leads.
Sounds like another A-plus weekend for old Yarbs.
Well, 62 bad years under my belt.
What's one more? Yeah, it's my birthday.
Thanks, Dad.
Man, now that I've lost that pesky moral-compass thing, let's fill up that Sophie shelf until it explodes! I'm riding these hollow insides to the top.
Wait! Vice Principal Yarble! You're screaming.
I'm right here.
Sophie's lying, but I-I told her to lie.
- It's my fault.
- Dad, no! No, I led her astray.
We should never have tried to cover this up.
The truth is, yes, she stole the bird, okay? But only because she was following her conscience.
Dad! We were getting away with it.
Yeah, but at what cost, bud? You have such a great heart, and you should always follow it.
Consequences be damned.
Who cares if I only have Felicity's curly hair in my dreams? Look, the only crime was her lie, and I told her to do that.
So if you're gonna blame anybody, blame me.
Okay.
I will blame you.
- Oh, thank God.
- And her.
What? But But she didn't do anything.
She didn't even mean to kill the bird.
The bird's dead?! Okay, well, now you're screaming.
Look, both of us will accept any punishment coming our way.
And what was your part in all this? - [Door opens.]
- Oh, nothing.
- Just hanging with my buds.
- [Door closes.]
Deed's done.
Time to settle up.
We can charge by hour or by weight of the remains.
My girls don't leave prints, Yarble.
You'll never be able to prove anything.
Happy birthday.
That throuple seemed so happy and supportive of each other.
Are youths smart? Did Miggy just teach me something about relationships? Did Brian have the bluest eyes you've ever seen? - Huh? - I'm sorry.
I thought we were just asking questions about the day.
I can't believe that I'm gonna say this, but maybe you should try the three-pronged approach with Sharon.
You know, the more honest you are, the easier this will all be.
Wow.
That's good advice.
I can't believe Rory's about to have a little sister.
It's actually pretty cool.
Yeah.
Hey, thanks for getting me through tonight.
[Sighs.]
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I did it.
Am I Poppy? Well, real Poppy wouldn't have ran out of gas on the way home.
But yeah, you did it.
[Sighs.]
Great.
[Chuckles.]
So in another news, I'm already killing it on Big Bed.
Okay.
[School bell rings.]
Pete looks different.
Nah, he just missed us.
How was your weekend, Pete? [Squawks.]
Welcome to Toyota of Lancaster.
It's the same bird.
Move along.
Why is there so much trash on the ground? Why is everything so wet? Dad, I'm sorry we won't be celebrating me as Student of the Year.
Well, it turns out I'm not really a maroon guy, and it was a Zara off-the-rack suit, so super baggy in the butt.
Probably best if I don't wear it at all.
And I'm really proud of you.
And I'm proud of you, too.
Mostly for becoming a sociopath-level liar in one afternoon.
And also for standing up for what you believe in.
Ooh.
I want to show you this.
Huh? [Chuckles.]
[Chuckling.]
Is that you? Yeah.
I fought for a cause or two.
After all, I was a child of the '70s.
- 1870s.
- Hey-oh! - Boys! - [Boys laugh.]
Okay, look, the point is, kids are dumb dreamers, but, you know, maybe that phase is good for something, huh? Wow.
That was almost touching.
Thanks, Douglas.
Since when did the kids get so comfortable calling me by my first name? Back to work.
Special reward if anyone finds my retainer.
Yes, Ms.
Yarble.
Don't do that.