Sledge Hammer! s02e12 Episode Script

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Come on, come on! - Come on, you can do it.
- Come on, Majoy.
Come on, Majoy! Come on, Majoy! All right, who's next? How about you, Doreau? I don't feeI like arm wrestling.
Come on, I won't use my gun.
No.
I think I'll just go home.
So, what, wanna go bowling? How about some pooI? Doreau, we're partners, and we're supposed to act like buddies.
The only way I know how to act like buddies is to go bowling or play pooI or arm wrestle or shoot guns.
You wanna shoot guns? I don't feeI like being a buddy tonight.
You don't wanna shoot guns? Women.
Can't live with them can't live with them.
Hammer, Doreau, this is LioneI Dashman.
The LioneI Dashman? Please - Just call me Dash.
- Call me Dori.
Call me irresponsible.
Mr Dashman is a speciaI operative from InterpoI.
That's one of those countries in Europe, isn't it? Sledge, Dash is the top anti-terrorist in the world.
I know your work, due to my own anti-terrorist investigations.
Yeah.
Captain, what're we doing here besides saying what a great guy Dish is? - Dash! - Ah.
Now, at the present time, I'm on the traiI of an internationaI terrorist known only as The Pelican.
- The Pelican? - Shut up, Hammer.
Yeah, but I mean, the Pelican? Thank you, Captain.
My contacts inform me that The Pelican plans to assassinate the Archbishop of Costa Pobre tomorrow night, most probably as he makes his speech at the Commander HoteI.
It's my duty to stop him.
Now, this is all we know about what he looks like.
- There's nothing there.
- Correct.
We have no idea what he looks like.
OK, listen up.
Effective immediately, Agent Dashman is in charge of security for the archbishop's speech.
That means he is calling the shots, Hammer.
We are working for him.
Is that clear? Yeah, that's good.
So, what's your big plan, Monsewer? Well, first, I thought we'd examine a mock-up of the hoteI banquet room.
Ooh, look, this detaiI is amazing.
Oh, there's a little archbishop.
He's running around saying "Oh, Dash, protect me, Dash.
" Oops, The Pelican shot his head off.
- It's nothing to joke about, Inspector.
- I wasn't joking, Mr Dash.
The Pelican has a brilliant criminaI mind.
He's crafty, he's wickedly smart and a chameleon.
He can assume any identity.
If you were half as smart as he is, you wouldn't waste your time on this doll house, Tinkerbell, you'd be at the hoteI checking it out in person.
Sledge, I'm sure Dash is more experienced in these matters than you.
No, no, the Inspector has a point.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
Detective Doreau, I'd be very gratefuI if you'd assist me in an inspection of the hoteI facilities.
- I don't mind if I do.
- I do mind if you do.
- You do? I don't.
- I do.
I think it would be far more productive if you stayed at the precinct.
And then, I'd be effectively doing nothing.
I know.
Mm, I wonder if this hoteI is earthquakeproof.
Help! Oh, no, look, little Dash, he's trying to escape, he's trying to escape.
Help! I don't like it.
There's too many entrances.
Yeah, eight so far.
We'll seaI off seven, leaving just one way in and out of this room.
What about checking out the archbishop's room? Terrorists tend not to strike in private rooms.
Their actions always take place in public.
Right.
I still think we should get master keys, so we have access to the rooms, storage areas and closets.
Your intelligence is matched only by your beauty, Thank you for noticing.
Shall we check outside? So, anyway, my dad was against me being a cop.
He thought I'd lose my femininity.
Dori, you could be a coaI miner and not lose your femininity.
You know, when you look at me like that, it makes me hear thunder.
You know, when you look at me like that, you make me feeI like it's raining.
It's raining.
It is.
Perhaps we should discuss this somewhere a little drier.
Oh, I dunno, you look particularly wonderfuI when you're wet.
- Really? - Yeah.
Thank you.
Listen, my place is nearby.
Would you like to come over for a home-cooked meaI? I've heard of those.
Isn't that a meaI where you don't have to tip anybody? Yes.
- Hammer, what're you doing? - Nothing.
I tell you, Captain, that Dash is trash.
I can't believe Dori didn't smell the fertiliser he was feeding her.
Oh, do I detect a note of jealousy from Mr I Don't FeeI Anything Hammer? You know what I say to that? I say "Ha!".
Me, jealous of that doughnut-hole? In my whole life, I've been jealous of one man, one man only - Custer.
Excuse me, Captain, - a dead body's being pulled out of the river.
- Thank you.
A dead body.
There's something I can sink my teeth into.
- I'll check it out.
- You're on the archbishop's security detaiI.
- I can do two things at once.
- You can't even do one thing at once.
Come on, Captain, dead bodies are my life.
All right, if it'll get you out of my face, take off.
What's up, Norman? Not him.
His face and fingertips were beaten to oatmeaI and he has a bullet hole in his chest the size of Montana.
Oh, did I mention, he's dead? I smell fouI play.
I wouldn't do that, Hammer, this one's really disgusting.
If I wasn't a coroner, I'd be sick.
Norman, being a coroner already means you're sick.
We'll only ID this one through dentaI records and that'll take a while.
I suspect he's a foreigner.
All his clothes carry European labels.
So, what? All my clothes have foreign labels - Taiwan.
I hope you enjoyed dinner.
Splendid, as is the company.
And the Brie, was it ripe enough? Delectable.
In fact, I venture to say it's the best dairy product I've ever tasted.
I'm sorry, I'm being really stupid.
I'm nervous.
It's just that it's been a long time since I've had a guest, I mean a man, I mean a man guest here.
Look, let's face it, it's been a long time since I've been with a man, period.
This, em, this partner of yours, what's his name? Sludge? Sledge.
I care about him, but our relationship is strictly professionaI.
Really? So far I haven't found anything professionaI about the man.
Sledge is OK.
He's a good cop.
Well, he's not really a good cop but I've grown accustomed to him.
Ah loyalty.
Another fine attribute to add to an already substantiaI list.
Have I, erm, mentioned that I think you're quite extraordinary? You make me feeI like that.
Oh, I hate this! I really hate this.
- I'm sorry, it's me.
- No, no.
No, it is.
Really, first dates are so awkward.
No, it's my line of work.
Always on the move.
Always in another city, always with strangers.
Always alone.
Well, you're not alone now.
I know.
That's what's so frustrating.
I finally meet an incredible woman like you, someone I'd really like to get involved with, and I can't.
A couple of days from now, I'll be a thousand miles away.
Another assignment, another city, alone again, naturally.
I understand, Dash.
It's not often that two people like us meet.
So, since we have such a limited amount of time, I suggest we make the best of it.
You know, you Americans are a lot wiser than the rest of the world gives you credit for.
What the hell are you doing? I heard a noise, thought you were in trouble.
How was I supposed to know London Bridge was falling down? How dare you burst into my private apartment! How dare you kiss alien lips - you're an American! - I'm surprised this fop even likes women.
- I beg your pardon? - I don't pardon anybody.
- Neither do I.
You're not still upset about that little incident last night, are you? - Little incident? - Well You barge into my apartment like Rambo in heat and ruin the first romantic evening I've had in years.
Because of you, Dash left.
How dare you interfere with my personaI life? You shouldn't get involved with people you work with.
Besides, you gotta be suspicious of somebody who's so perfect.
Maybe he's married.
Think about it.
Mm.
Is that so? Why don't we retrieve his files and both of us will find out? - Fine.
- Fine.
"LioneI Dashman, age 36, single.
" "InstrumentaI in averting coup.
Single handedly prevented terrorist bomb attack.
"Received totaI of sixteen citations for heroism.
" So, he got lucky once, big deaI.
"Further information: Classified: No access.
" Ah, yeah.
I can break that code.
Bingo! "Presently working under code name: 'Icebreaker'.
Top Secret.
" He's clean, Hammer.
You're late, Inspector Hammer.
I was busy doing something important.
Oh, and what exactly do you consider to be important? Breaking down doors and destroying the personaI lives of those closest to you? Yeah, that's always top of my list.
So, what do you say I destroy your face? Aaoooow! Sledge, whose face did you destroy last night? It was a sucker punch.
Yes, I did indeed punch a sucker.
Would somebody explain to me what this attempted witty banter is all about? Nothing, Captain.
Well, then, let's get on with this, please.
All right, I want one last thorough search.
The Pelican may have planted a bomb anywhere.
I want you to check every seat, every curtain, every nook and cranny.
- What's this got to do with English muffins? - Sh! Hammer! Start at the podium.
Captain, check that side.
Doreau, over there.
I'm going to check on the others, OK? Right, let's go.
Where? Ah 'What, what, what, what, what what what.
' 'The bombing will begin in five minutes.
' - Hammer, what are you doing? - 'Checking to see if you could hear it.
- 'Can you hear it?' - Stop screwing around! - 'I was checking it was on.
' - It's on! - 'OK.
' - Leave it alone.
'OK, OK.
' Inspector Hammer.
Do you mind? Can't you see I'm frisking a curtain? Thank you.
I thought I told you to check this podium.
Yeah, I did.
It's clear.
I suppose you thought this was chewing gum? Plastic explosives.
Where'd you find it? Under the podium.
The inspector isn't very good at inspecting.
I checked that 45 seconds ago and there was nothing there.
- Except the explosives.
- Look, you bag of British botulism, you planted it, didn't you? You planted it to make me look bad.
Sledge, you know, it's really embarrassing, to use someone else to cover your own incompetence.
Your incompetence is already common knowledge.
That does it.
Ever since this bag of English earwax showed up here, it's been put down Hammer time.
Well, that time is up.
I think it's obvious that the inspector, and I use the term loosely, is emotionally unfit for this assignment.
I think it would be best for all concerned, especially the archbishop, if he were to leave the premises, permanently.
Yeah.
Good idea.
All right.
Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
They can't treat me like this.
I'm a cop and I demand respect.
R- E-S-P-E-C-T, that's what being a cop mean to me.
Hammer, got a minute? I got so much time on my hands, it's about to break my fingers.
We got a partiaI ID on that body from the river.
Some hotshot InterpoI guy.
They wouldn't release his name Most they'd give us was his code-name - Icebreaker.
What's that tell us? I don't know, that he's a dead Eskimo? I don't know.
Wait a minute, Icebreaker, that's Dash's code-name.
But if this is Dash, and Dash is dead, then who's? I don't know.
Yes, I do.
The Pelican.
Dash, I haven't had a chance to talk to you.
I wanted to apologise for last night.
It was stupid.
Yeah, Hammer bursting in like that wasn't my idea of an icebreaker.
Do you think it's safe to say that out loud? I'd no idea it was a bad word.
Icebreaker.
I'm sorry, I found out.
Found out what? Oh, Icebreaker.
Of course.
Why wouldn't you know your own code name? 'Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats? 'The Archbishop will be arriving momentarily.
' Hammer, what the hell are you doing here? I'm gonna stop Dash killing the archbishop.
Why would Dash wanna do that? - Dash is not Dash.
Dash is dead.
- What? The body found in the river is LioneI Dashman.
This Dash is not the reaI Dash.
This Dash is really The Pelican.
Where's that dirty bird? I got some wings to clip.
Last time I saw him, he was with Doreau.
Oh.
Yee-ah! Oh.
Sledge? Oh! Sledge, Dash isn't Dash, he's The Pelican.
I know.
You warn the archbishop, I'll see to The Pelican.
No way, Sledge he's mine.
'Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to introduce 'the Archbishop of Costa Pobre.
' Get down.
This is for your own good.
Your Highness, get down.
- Oh! - One, two.
One, two.
Freeze, you Iying creep, or I'll blow your miserable brains out of your worthless head.
Dori I know this looks bad, but I can explain.
I was so starved for affection, I believed you cared for me.
No, no, you gotta believe me, I'm deeply in love with you.
You're Iying.
No.
No, for the first time in my life, I'm telling the truth.
OK, right, I'm not perfect.
I've got my vices like everyone else.
I just happen to kill people for enormous sums of money.
But after meeting you, I decided this would be my last job because I wanted to start a new life with you.
So, please, darling, help me escape.
What're you doing here so late? Nothing.
Cross-referencing some files.
I suppose you're here to gloat, right? OK, go ahead, say it.
You were right and I was wrong.
Oh, go on, rub it in.
Tell me about how you knew this guy was no good for me and you tried to tell me and I wouldn't listen.
OK, I'm an idiot.
I made a fooI of myself.
Just say what you have to say and get out, OK? Well, what I was going to say was, if you're not busy, would you like to go bowling, buddy? I could beat you any time, bud.
You and what army? That wasn't so bad.