Tacoma FD (2019) s02e12 Episode Script

1
[EERIE MUSIC]
Why? Why are you in the house?
Get out of there!
- Well, she lives there.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, good. Yeah, grab a kitchen knife.
The worst weapon ever, every time.
How are you gonna
kill a ghost with a knife?
Okay, you're a movie villain.
What's your weapon of choice?
Pfff, easy A deadly boomerang comb.
Pull it out, chuck it,
cuts them in half,
grab it, calmly comb my hair
when it comes back to me.
Then there would be
blood all in your hair.
Fine with me.
Always wanted to be a redhead.
Lord, no, I I can't.
I'm not gonna watch.
Why are you still watching?
You're a mess.
Do you want us to put on the game?
He thinks fear is like an allergy,
like if you eat a few
peanuts every week,
then you won't be allergic
to peanuts anymore.
Then why am I still allergic to latex?
- I'm sorry. What's that, young lady?
- Nothing.
Cap, what's your villain weapon?
- Flamethrower.
- [GROANS]
Is that some kind of
perverse firefighter fantasy?
Not at all. It's just got the most
taglines after the kill.
"She was an old flame."
"You're fired."
- "His ears were burning."
- Okay.
"That's what I call kicking ash."
- BOTH: Yeah!
- [CHUCKLES]
She's not dressed for ghost hunting.
- No, not at all.
- No, she is not.
- Oh, what is it?
- [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]
[SCREAMING, LAUGHTER]
Cat. That is a cat.
God, man! Why?
Granny, you should start smaller.
I'm thinking a "Scooby-Doo" episode.
Oh, man. That might be more appropriate.
[TENSE MUSIC]
- [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]
- [SCREAMS]
- [GROWLS]
- Ah!
- [ALL OOH]
- Ooh, wow whoa!
- Did I get him?
- Yeah, you did good, buddy.
Oh, this thing is stuck to your face.
Yeah, I think it's part of me now.
Damn it, Andy, you know my history
of knocking people out when I'm scared.
I didn't know that, no.
Why do you think we got
you to do it, man?
- What's all the noise in here?
- Ah!
Holy!
I thought Granny wasn't
allowed to watch horror movies.
Well, at least we got the mask off.
Ow.
[ROCK MUSIC]
Well I'm hot blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
How's your face feel?
Still numb, but at least I can feel
the lower part of my body again.
Looks like you made
out with a waffle iron.
[LAUGHS] What's up, Golf Ball Head.
[CACKLES]
Hey, Chief, you want some
chicken cordon bleu?
So Granny, when did you
start scare-punching people?
Oh, uh, probably when I
got my first jack-in-the-box.
I don't know. I'm just jumpy, I guess.
What's the most afraid you've
ever been in your entire life?
When I was 10,
I was at a surprise birthday party
for my Aunt Carol.
Ooh, I like where this is going.
I was crouched down with
the rest of the guests,
waiting to surprise her.
And right as she
walked through the door,
everybody jumped up and yelled at me.
It was my surprise-surprise party.
- So then you swung?
- Yeah.
Uncle Dave wound up with a broken jaw,
and I got permanently removed
from the Christmas gift list,
so whatever.
What about you, Ike?
What's the most scared you've ever been?
Oddly enough, it was at a haunted house.
- That's not odd at all.
- Yeah.
That's like saying the wettest
you've ever been is at a pool.
- Oh.
- [CACKLES]
Why does he keep leaving?
Anyway, I was working at this
place called Nightmare Manor.
Oh, I know that haunted house,
right by the refinery.
Yeah! I played the executioner.
More like the flex-ecutioner.
- You saw me?
- No.
Oh, anyway, yeah, I jumped out
and scared this guy so bad once,
he had a heart attack.
Nice job.
No, no, I mean he went
into cardiac arrest.
And I froze.
Like, I didn't do anything.
It was lucky my buddy, Dracula,
he jumped in and performed CPR.
The guy survived, thankfully,
but I tell you,
that feeling of uselessness
it really scared the crap out of me.
Anyway, that's the reason
I became a first responder.
Cool origin story. Lucy, your turn.
Okay, I was seven, and I was
at the Tukwila Family
Fun Center with my dad,
and I was holding onto his
pant leg so I didn't get lost.
I, uh, got bumped into
this sea of people,
so I let go for a moment.
And we kept walking for a while,
and eventually I looked up,
and I realized
that I was holding onto
a complete stranger.
My dad was nowhere in sight. I was lost.
Did you find your dad again?
Ike, you know her dad's
the chief, right?
[SIGHS] Yeah no, I
That's what I s I know that.
That's what I said, Andy.
I mean in the story,
did you find your dad?
She's telling a story.
- That's not what I meant!
- Okay.
So I kept shouting for my dad,
and no one could hear me.
It was like I was trapped
under all these people,
and I thought I was
gonna be lost forever.
It's the most terrifying
feeling I could ever remember.
I don't remember it that way.
Dad, I found you
at the concession stand,
and you were wearing
your ugly gray sweater
and holding a bratwurst with onions.
The bratwurst rings a bell.
Why do you keep
popping in and out of here?
I'm getting my steps in.
Vicky got me one of these new fit bands.
I don't think they're really new.
They've been around for about 10 years.
They still suck.
They're supposed to
motivate you to walk more?
All they do is motivate
you to swing your arms.
Well, maybe you'd have more motivation
if you had a companion to
walk with, like a dog.
Ooh.
We're not getting a dalmatian.
Oh, come on,
I think it'd be really great for morale.
And besides,
I think most fire stations have them.
I'm not most fire stations.
Dogs are needy, they stink,
and they lick you.
- What about a Clydesdale?
- They lick you too.
Eddie, I almost got my steps.
Where's my chicken cordon bleu?
I got it right here.
Aw, good. Cheese and ham.
God, he can be so ornery, can't he?
Yeah, but I love that about him.
What about you, Cap?
What's your scariest moment?
That's easy. Sophomore
year in high school.
It's picture day.
The photographer took a
photo of me from my bad side.
- And then what happened?
- That's it.
I know it's hard to believe,
but the photo was hideous.
Even after I cried,
she refused to take of
me from my good side.
- That's it?
- Yeah.
I had to petition the school
to stop publication of the yearbook.
- Wow, that's crazy 'cause
- Mm-mm, ah.
Oh, okay! Impressive.
- It's his good side.
- Andy, your turn.
Oh, I'm not afraid of anything.
Nah, come on,
everybody's scared of something.
Nope, not me.
There is nothing I can think
of that I am afraid of.
What about Chief when he's low on carbs?
Not even that.
Basic law and union
guidelines prevent him
from mortally harming us in any way.
Well, I sure hope so because
I have something to show you guys.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh.
- Hey!
- Whoa!
Lucy, you are dead.
Lucy, why would you bring
a dog in the station
when you know how much
your dad hates animals?
He doesn't remember losing
me at the family fun park,
so maybe I don't remember
him saying no dogs.
Ooh, I don't know if that's
gonna hold up in court.
What's your name, boy? Huh?
What's your name? What's your name?
What's your name? Does he have a name?
- I don't know yet.
- Wow, he's an orphan?
- Orphans have names, man.
- Yeah, that's true.
I just don't have the heart to name him
in case I have to give him back.
You gotta give him a name,
like, um, Sparky.
- Yeah, or Blaze.
- Flame-O.
- That's already taken, bud.
- Not a dog, though.
- I got it Hoser.
- Oh, yes!
Hoser it is. Aw, come here, Hoser.
- What the hell's that?
- Oh, jeez.
- I can explain.
- Chief, you know what?
It's actually all of our faults.
Well, it's like 60-40, Lucy.
I saw him at the animal shelter,
and I mean, look at this face, Dad.
- How could I resist?
- Look at that face.
- We named him Hoser.
- Get rid of it.
Oh, come on, I will walk and
feed him myself every day.
- Please?
- Oh, yeah?
You said that when
you were 12 years old,
and I ended up scooping
dog shit for two months.
Oh, hey,
what if we get a golden retriever?
[SIGHS] You're missing
the point, Ike no dogs.
Station 24, respond to structure fire
at 666 Eerie Ave.
- Let's go.
- Tough address.
Come on, Hoser. Good boy.
Hey, Chief, are you gracing
us with your presence?
Yeah, I gotta get my steps in.
Wow, you're taking this seriously.
Vicky's monitoring my
progress on the website.
- Happy to have you.
- Glad to be here.
Try not to get in the way.
[ROCK MUSIC]
[SIRENS WAILING]
Is that what I think it is?
It is if you think it's Nightmare Manor.
[TENSE MUSIC]
- I hope Granny's up for this.
- [CACKLES]
[EERIE MUSIC]
Car one to dispatch, I got smoke showing
on a three-story wooden structure.
Car one in command.
Whoo-hoo, baby! What are the odds, huh?
Man, I don't like this.
And why is that crazy
old lady staring at me
from the top window?
I can't remember if
that's a cardboard cutout
or a real ghost.
Rumors are this place is, like,
haunted for real, for real.
[YELPS]
I ain't afraid of no ghost.
I ain't afraid of nothing.
All right, Lucy, you're with me.
- We're on crowd control.
- Okay, Ike and Granny.
Grab the main attack
line from rear step.
The three of us are
gonna locate the fire.
- Andy, you man the pump.
- Cap, why can't I go in?
I'm not even afraid of this place.
Yeah, let me man the pump.
Andy, you man the pump.
Granny, get in there.
All right, let's go to work.
Pack up, everybody.
Hey, Granny,
don't crap your scaredy pants.
- [CACKLING]
- Stop whining and get to work!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Tacoma FD!
- Tacoma FD, everybody out.
- Everybody out, please.
- Please exit the building.
- Let's go, let's go.
- Come on.
- Let's go. Please exit the building.
- Everybody outside, please.
Thank you very much.
- Everybody out.
- Outside.
It's like I never left!
Place looks exactly the same.
We got smoke coming up
from the floor over here.
No, no, Cap. It's a fog machine.
- This is all fog machine.
- It's all fog?
All right.
All right, Lucy,
let's go this way, come on.
So this way is the
Witch's Cauldron Room.
It's actually a great place to have sex
if you're into hot tubs and stuff.
Over here is the Room
of a Thousand Eyes,
also a great place to have sex
if you're into being watched.
Look, man, let's just find the fire
so we can get the hell out of here.
No, yeah, absolutely.
Uh, best thing to do would be
cut through the Insane Asylum.
Ah, sorry, old habits.
The Mentally Challenged Ward.
It's right here.
- [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]
- Ah!
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh!
- Whoa!
- And what the hell was that?
Dude, you just punched an employee.
I didn't mean to.
You know this is the type
of shit that freaks me out.
Hey, Carl, is that you?
You crazy son of a bitch.
You can't jump out at this guy!
He's my buddy, Carl.
He's worked here for, like, 12 years.
Hey, Carl.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
Hey, everybody, listen up. Tacoma FD.
A fire alarm has been
triggered in the building.
I'm gonna ask you to evacuate
in an orderly manner.
Oh, no. Save us, right?
Sir, this is an actual emergency,
not part of the show.
Oh, sure, yeah.
The smoke almost seems real.
[IMITATES CHOKING]
Dad, I think these
firefighters might be legit.
What, a chick and a fat guy? Come on.
All right, buddy, let's go.
Come on, you guys.
You and your kid, out. Ghouly, let's go.
You're out. Let's go.
Everybody's out. Everybody's out.
Lucy, you head down the hallway.
I'll take these people out.
I'll meet you in the back.
Okay? All right. Look at this guy.
I got a werewolf here.
[EERIE MUSIC]
[SCREAMING]
Oh, yes.
The Hall of Hands.
I forgot about this place.
Ah oh, jeez, sorry.
Is that Phil back there?
[LAUGHS] He's as strong as an ox.
- All this smoke is fake.
- Yeah.
All the fires are fake too, man.
Where's the real stuff? [SCREAMS]
Don't do that just reach out
and shake a hand or something.
Don't offend 'em. Come on.
Let's just get through this, okay?
Yeah, unless the next room is
the Hall of Hand Sanitizer,
I'll pass.
[APPLAUSE]
Ah, ah, thank you.
Well done, Cap. They love it.
All right, just, uh,
to the right here, fellas.
Okay ah!
Take it ease.
Come on down, folks. Watch your step.
But please get away from the house.
Thank you. Sorry to ruin your night.
Hey, uh, can we get our money back?
Actually, I don't work here.
How about a voucher so we
can come back another time?
I mean, I have some TFD stickers
and maybe some band-aids
Ah, forget about it.
Another crappy weekend with Dad.
- Let's go.
- Sorry, kid.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Stay calm, sir.
- Dude, back up off me.
Your eyeball is hanging
down by your mouth.
Do you know how long it
took me to get this right?
- It's a $40 prosthetic.
- Oh.
- Asshole.
- Oh, thank goodness.
I didn't wanna actually
have to deal with that.
Whoo oh!
Those aren't real guts.
They don't get that glossy.
Okay, tell me that is a fake cleaver
on your all right.
The last thing I need
from you with the cleaver
is an attitude.
Hello?
[DARK AMBIENT MUSIC]
[EERIE TONE]
Hello? Someone there?
[HEARTBEAT PULSING]
Hello?
[VOCALIZING]
Hey, Chief, I got turned around.
It looks like I'm at the
Silence of the Rams Room,
whatever that is.
You copy, Chief? Chief, do you copy?
Hey, Dad?
Okay.
Damn flashlight.
Chief?
Dad?
[SIGHS]
- [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]
- [SCREAMS]
Your radio won't work down here.
There's no one to hear you call.
- Mister, you need to go
- I'm Buffalo Phil.
Have you seen a fire
chief dressed like this?
Is he a great, big, fat person?
- Excuse me?
- Come on.
You never saw "Silence
of the Lambs" either?
You're like the 10th person today.
Does no one watch the classics anymore?
I thought this was Silence of the Rams.
It's a copyright thing.
Listen, the building's on fire,
and you need to evacuate.
Is there anyone else down here?
If I said Hannibal Lecter,
would you know who that was?
- Uh
- Oh, unbelievable.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
Oh. [SCREAMS]
Ow. Come on.
[COUGHS]
Wow, it's all smoke and mirrors, fellas.
Oh, and if you need a confidence boost,
stand in front of this
one with your pants off.
Hello! Whoo-whoop!
Okay, enough.
Ike, where's the control room
so I can turn the fog
off and the lights on?
I'm flattered you think I
had control room access.
- I've never been in that room.
- Okay, I'll find it.
You guys keep looking for the real fire,
I'll get the lights.
The sooner the better, Cap.
You're fine. Come on, let's go.
I know this place like
the back of my hand.
[BOTH SCREAM]
Oh, hey! Whoa, come on, man. No!
Calm down, man.
[BOTH SCREAM]
Granny, that's like
seven years bad luck.
Okay, raise your hand
if you're in need of
real medical attention.
Oh, really, of all people,
the one that doesn't have a hand?
I have a splinter in my foot.
Do you have any tweezers?
Can you give us a
status update on the fire?
I, um Chief will do that, actually.
Can you just fill us
what's going on inside?
- Has it been contained?
- Is this live?
[TENSE MUSIC]
- Can people see me right now?
- Have you evacuated everyone?
How many people are
still inside the house?
What no. Is that a werewolf?
[VOCALIZING]
[WHIMPERS]
[SOLEMN MUSIC]
[GRUNTS]
Dad? Buffalo Phil?
Anyone?
I'm stuck in the well!
[SIGHS] And I really have to pee.
[GROANS]
Oh, brother. You gotta be kidding me.
Lucy?
Hey, you, you.
Have you seen a firefighter?
Hey, hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with your mouth?
You can't talk? What's
the matter with you?
Hey, your mouth's not really sewn shut.
Evacuate the building! God.
Hey, hey, buddy.
Have you seen a firefighter?
What the hell's in your mouth?
Is that a ball?
Show's over, pal.
God, these people.
Hey, have you seen a
firefighter come through here?
Okay, great. All right, you know what?
All of you, get out. Get out!
Gotta evacuate the building.
Let's go, come on.
There's a fire in here. [GROWLS]
Hey, wait a minute.
Granny,
this is my old executioner's room.
Check it out, man.
Man, I feel like
something's crawling on me.
Get it off of me, man.
Just get it get it off.
God, man, you're fine.
God, Granny, calm down.
Man, I remember every single detail.
Look at the chains hanging here,
the big axe,
a rusty guillotine too.
Ah, there's Glenn back
there in his cage.
Oh, right there.
That's where I used
to jump out and scare
[BOTH SCREAM]
- [WHEEZES]
- Oh.
My heart. [GURGLES]
No, no, no, no.
[TENSE MUSIC]
[SIGHS SHAKILY] Oh, not again.
You can do this, Ike. You got this.
Be the flex-ecutioner.
Be the flex-ecutioner.
[EXHALES]
Come on, breathe! Don't you die on me!
[FUNKY ROCK MUSIC]
Control, control
House light, rise and shine.
Ah, the staff kitchen. Okay.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
That's gross.
[EERIE MUSIC]
Hello? Is someone there?
- Hoser!
- [HOSER BARKS]
Hoser, good boy. Hoser, go get help.
[HOSER BARKS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Well, that's got
a 50-50 chance of working.
[HUFFS] Come on, don't you die on me.
Come on, my health insurance
doesn't cover this much therapy.
[GASPS, WHEEZES]
- Okay.
- Wow.
Okay, easy.
- Whoa.
- Yes!
Thank you.
Hey, I guess I did a good job, huh?
Yeah, you got him good.
I am so glad you didn't die!
Aw, thanks brother.
Hey, no one ever thinks
about the executioner dying.
- You know?
- Hey, I was the executioner.
Oh, I can tell. [LAUGHTER]
- Thanks, man.
- Okay, let's get him up.
- Granny, you all right?
- Huh?
- How long was I out?
- Aw, man.
- [BOTH SCREAM]
- No!
No! Man!
You're giving him
mouth-to-mouth this time!
Lucy. Lucy, are you in here?
Lucy, are you in here? Lucy.
- [HOSER BARKS]
- Oh, boy.
[HOSER BARKS]
Welcome to my nightmare.
Surrounded by dogs.
Get out of here.
Hoser, is that you? It is you.
- Oh, are we gonna do this?
- [HOSER BARKING]
Are you trying to tell
me something, boy?
Is Lucy trapped in a well?
- Wait, is she trapped in a well?
- [HOSER WHIMPERS]
I can't believe we're doing this.
All right. Let's go.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
[SIGHS] Engine 24 to command.
After all this,
it's just a popcorn call.
Hey, that's my lunch.
Man, that popcorn button's bullshit.
Buddy, you could've burned
down the whole building.
Yeah, okay. I surrender.
Whoa, nice dick tuck.
Love the dedication.
You're the first person
who actually gets it.
[AMBIENT MUSIC]
Is anybody there? Hello?
[HOSER BARKS]
Hoser, I need help.
- Dad!
- Well, well, well.
Dad, seriously,
this isn't a time for puns.
You're fine now. I found you.
- You mean Hoser found me.
- Hoser followed me here.
Yeah, because I told him to go get you.
Hoser's a dog.
Dogs don't understand English.
[HOSER BARKS]
All right, why don't we
just get me out of the well,
and then we can discuss it?
Is that lotion down there?
Yeah, I don't know why
there's lotion in here.
- Hold on a second.
- Why?
It looks like the good stuff.
Here, put the lotion in the basket.
Are you kidding me right now?
Yeah, put the lotion in the basket.
Dad, please tell me you're kidding.
Put the lotion in the basket!
Why are you yelling at me?
[SIGHS] Have you not seen the movie?
- No, I haven't seen the movie.
- It's a classic.
Okay, great, why don't you
just get me out of the well,
and then we can watch all
the classics together?
Okay, but seriously,
put the lotion in the basket.
[GROWLS] You're so weird, Dad.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
- Hey, Hoser.
- [CACKLES]
I gotta say, this place is awesome.
I'm having my birthday party here.
- Who's in?
- BOTH: Nope.
Hey, Carl can get us a meet
and greet with all the hands
- BOTH: Nope.
- Captain, Chief,
somebody's gotta talk to the press.
Where's Andy?
Uh, I think your guy's got a
problem with public speaking.
Look at him. He's all petrified.
[WHIMPERS]
Yeah, I got the same thing.
That's why I wear the mask.
He faced his fears, and now look at him.
Hey, wait. Guys, that's what I did.
I guess that's what we all did
'cause I almost just
died in that creepy well.
Well, you get paid to not be afraid,
so I'm proud of you,
and I'm not proud of you.
- It goes both ways.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
All right, well,
one big question remains:
what about Hoser?
I mean, he did just
save your daughter's life.
- Can we keep him?
- Come on, Chief.
- Come on, Chief.
- Come on, have a heart.
Come on. [CHUCKLES]
Hi, buddy.
- Okay, okay.
- He he loves you.
- Okay, good dog, good doggy.
- This melts my heart.
[SIGHS CONTENTEDLY]
- Get rid of it.
- What
Oh, hey, I got my steps!
Excuse me.
I did not see that coming.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
Whoop, whoop! Check it out, team.
The photos from Nightmare Manor.
- Whoa, okay.
- The envelope, please.
Ah, yeah. I'll take that.
- All right.
- Oh, Granny.
- Granny.
- Wow.
Hey, can we get rid of that?
Nah, it's fine. He doesn't care.
That's my buddy, Paul.
He's fine, he's fine.
- Whoa.
- Aw, yeah.
Arms up. Executioner down.
I know where all the cameras are.
- Aww.
- There's my best friend.
I wish we could've kept him.
I think Chief had him stuffed.
Whoa, Luce. Look at that.
- Looks clumsy.
- Apple doesn't fall far.
Well, I mean,
it does fall far into a well.
- Stop.
- Whoa!
- Oh, whoa!
- Wow.
That's not just the bad side.
That's the dark side.
That is super embarrassing.
Oh, you wanna talk embarrassing, Andy?
Check this out.
Can you fill us in
what's going on inside?
Is the fire under control?
- [VOMITS]
- Oh!
Yup, firefighter vomits on camera.
- Story at 11:00.
- Oh!
Oh, my gosh.