The Carmichael Show (2015) s02e12 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.
What the reverend said today was absolutely disgusting! It was vile! If he'd said that 1,000 years ago, the church would've hung him for heresy! Okay, Mom, well, I think you are tremendously overstating what happened here today and being quite irrational.
No, I am not.
Okay, well, I think you are.
No, you do not.
All right, well I think it was pretty brave of the reverend to get up there in front of the congregation and admit he'd been battling a porn addiction.
Boy, oh, boy what that reverend did today was brave! Somebody needs to make a meme of him standing in front of a tank in Tiananmen square.
Joe, it was not brave, it was disgusting.
Not to mention the children had to hear that filth! Man, this is the first time I haven't fell asleep in church in years.
I wonder what the reverend gonna confess to next week.
I hope it's tax evasion.
You know, tax evasion is sexy right now.
I loved how open and honest that reverend was.
Is church always this interesting? It's not supposed to be interesting, Maxine.
It's church.
It's not a TED Talk.
I wonder what type of pornography the reverend watches.
I would've asked, but he never opened the floor to questions.
All right, well, hold on to your question, Bobby.
Maybe you'll get a chance to ask it next week.
Okay, look here, Jerrod, if that's sarcasm, I don't appreciate it, okay? You stifle my curiosity, and that belittles us both.
Reverend Carlson is supposed to be a leader.
I've turned to him for moral guidance for over 35 years.
Now I'm gonna have to figure out where I can find a new church home for every Sunday and Wednesday and Thursday.
My entire social calendar is in shambles.
Well, Mom, you don't have to leave the church just because the reverend admitted something honest and made himself vulnerable to the congregation.
Well, I can't think of a better reason to leave a church.
Sounds like somebody hasn't seen Spotlight.
Well, I don't think it's as big a deal as y'all are making it out to be.
The reverend just admitted to doing something that's perfectly normal that every man does.
Joe, how you gonna sit there and say it was perfectly normal, something that every man does? You don't watch porno.
Joe? You watch porno, Joe? Daddy? Well, you know what? I'm tired of being ashamed anyway, damn it.
And if this reverend can find the strength to come clean, so can I.
Joe Carmichael watches porn.
There, I said it.
Bobby! Joe, you are a sexual deviant, just like my reverend.
I'm not no sexual deviant.
I don't watch anything too hard-core.
I'm mostly into lesbian stuff.
Look, I enjoy the supple, gentle nature of women.
Joe! Look, Ma, Dad's right.
It's not really that big of a deal.
I know this is a weird thing to admit in front of your whole family, but I watch porn, too, Ma.
God.
That is a weird sentence to say out loud.
Oh, no, Jerrod, not you! Maxine, did you know about this? I mean, we've never really talked about it, but I assumed.
That's why I always knock before I enter our bedroom.
Bobby.
Sweet, innocent, pure-spirited Bobby.
Tell me you don't watch pornography.
Okay, Mama, you're putting me in a tough spot.
Uh, I don't want to lie to you, but I don't want to let you down.
So what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna say no, and then I'm gonna wink right after that.
No.
Now, you interpret that how you see fit.
Oh, my God! All my boys are watching the lesbians on the Internet?! Now, look here, Mama.
I actually don't really like lesbian porn.
It's just too many toys.
I don't think lesbians should be able to use toys.
Look, you made a choice, stick with it! Is my entire family addicted to porn?! I don't think anyone here is actually addicted to porn.
And I think watching it in moderation is a healthy way for people to explore their own sexuality.
You always have an opinion! Hey, Ma, look.
No one in the family is addicted to porn.
In fact, I don't think the reverend's addicted to porn.
He just lives in this environment where people judge him and make him feel guilty for watching.
JOE: Yeah, honey.
Porn is not a-a real addiction.
I mean, it's-it's sexuality is natural.
It's a basic need.
Next thing you're gonna say is people can get addicted to air or food.
Uh, actually, Joe, people can be addicted to food.
People go to programs for overeating all the time.
Overeating? There's no such thing as overeating.
You eat till your hand gets tired.
That is not when you're supposed to stop eating.
I mean, you can watch as much porn as you want, but you need to eat better.
Well, if you are telling me that I can't eat a cheeseburger while watching two lesbians make sweet love to each other on the Internet, kill me now.
Ain't nobody want to live in a world without girl-on-girl action and ground beef.
No more porn, Joe.
I will not stand for that disgusting smut in my house! No! No! No, no.
You may think that porn is harmless, but let me tell you, I've seen it destroy too many marriages.
Tammy's marriage, Denise's marriage BOBBY: Whoa, whoa, wait.
I thought Denise's marriage ended because her husband was abusive.
No, her first husband was abusive.
Her second husband was on that porn! (sighs) Look, y'all, Mom's right, okay? I mean, porn can mess you up.
You know, I-I saw professionals having sex before I even did it myself.
And, I mean, it creates these unrealistic expectations.
How do they not take a water break? Well, Bobby is right.
I mean, our generation starts watching porn early.
I saw my first porn before I saw The Lion King.
Well, that's why I never gave Jerrod and Bobby the talk.
I figure they gonna watch porn anyway, and a picture's worth a thousand words, and videos have thousands of images, so they got a very thorough sex talk.
And thanks to the Internet, I didn't have to participate in any of it.
God, I wish my mom had left me to figure it out on my own.
She just had a couple martinis, sat me down and said, "Sex is power.
" I was eight.
All of you have lost your way.
I'm gonna shut down that Internet.
I'm gonna find us a new place to worship.
Because you all need church right now.
'Cause you're nasty.
You're just nasty! Uh, Cynthia, don't go searching the history on our computer.
I came clean.
I told you everything.
You think your mama knows what a MILF is? - I - Cynthia? Cynthia, MILFs are the same age as us, so that's not nasty.
(sighs): Oh.
Church for the first time, talking about porn with your family.
Not a bad Sunday, huh? Well, let's do neither of those things again for a while.
All right, Maxine, Netflix Sunday.
Let's, uh, put on our sweats and watch Friends until we see a black person.
(chuckles) Last time, we got through an entire season.
You know, porn has such a stigma attached to it because people in our country are so uptight about sex.
Mm-hmm.
We should be able to talk about it.
Mm-hmm.
Let's talk about it.
No.
Come on, what kind of porn do you watch? Maxine, why do you insist on asking questions that will destroy us? Come on, this is ridiculous.
We can have sex, but we can't talk about sex? Yeah, because talking about sex is way more intimate than having it.
In fact, people have sex just to avoid talking about it.
Do you have any fetishes? I'm not doing this with you, Maxine.
Or, like, a favorite porn star? (sighs) Ariana Marie.
Who's that? Actually, it's a tie between her and Alexis Texas.
Uh, they're both from Texas.
Actually, Ariana is from Clearwater, Florida.
She grew up in Texas though.
She's, like, five-four, dark hair, green eyes.
You know the type.
What, what, do you have this girl's rookie card or something? Oh.
Also, I really like Dani Daniels.
She's really funny on Instagram.
Oh, you follow her on Instagram? Yeah.
Oh, honorary mention Cassidy Banks and Harley Dean.
Okay, how much porn are you watching? And when are you doing all this? Well, you know when I text you and I ask you, like, what time are you coming home exactly? You send me those texts a lot.
Yeah, because I'm a man, Maxine.
I can't be pent up.
You know what happens when a man is pent up? People get killed.
Like, the last mass shooting could've been avoided by a visit to Pornhub.
com.
Well, Jerrod, women have just as much need and desire as men.
This might surprise you to hear, but I watch porn, too.
You watch porn? What type of porn are you watching? I search for more amateur stuff.
I like it when they're, like, real-life couples.
'Cause I think an honest human connection is a huge turn-on.
Maxine, that's disgusting.
I mean, what I watch is fantasy.
You're being a creepy third wheel in someone else's relationship.
Okay, I thought we were having an open, honest conversation without judgment.
Who promised no judgment? I didn't promise no judgment.
I am judging you right now.
When are you finding all the time to watch these real people have sex anyway? I don't know, like, last night.
Last night? Uh, I was here last night.
Yeah, I know you were home.
I just I drew myself a bath, had a little me time.
You were asleep.
Well, why didn't you wake me up? Think I could've helped you out with that, Maxine.
Uh, you wake me up for everything.
You woke me up 'cause you thought you solved Making a Murderer.
Are you really uncomfortable with the idea of me watching porn? No, I'm not uncomfortable.
I'm just worried about you having all these products near the bathtub.
It voids the AppleCare.
So you're just gonna take all my Apple products? Steve Jobs didn't die for this! Dad, you're in here drinking whiskey? Well, your mama's mad at me, so here we are.
There are other ways to relieve stress, but your mama's holding the computer hostage.
She's really mad, huh? What happened after I left? She screamed, "You're not the man I married," and slammed the door to our room and hasn't come out since.
Your brother's, uh, sulking because your mama's mad and nobody wants to go to Red Robin with him.
So it has been a rough day for everyone.
- Yeah.
- (clears throat) Uh, kind of want to talk to you about something between me and Maxine, but I got to be honest, it's a little awkward to bring up.
Jerrod, I gave you a Diane Sawyer amount of access to my life today.
Okay.
Maxine told me that she watches porn.
Well, a lot of your modern women are into that now.
Your Lena Dunhams, your Rashida Joneses, that girl that works at the Rite Aid.
No, but she doesn't just watch it.
She, like, sneaks off and does it while I'm still at home.
You telling me that Maxine watches porn while her able-bodied boyfriend is available in the next room? Yes.
Thank you.
Now, clearly you need sex advice.
Now, you came to the right place.
You see, son, good sex is all about the calf muscles.
Nope.
Nope.
I am not here for sex advice.
I'm just concerned.
I mean, Maxine and I are going on two years, and I'm worried that this is a sign that maybe the passion is fading in our relationship.
Well, in my 34 years of marriage, I've had plenty of worries and fears.
Am I good enough? Am I making her happy? Is ten minutes too long or too short? So worrying about the passion fading is normal.
Not for you.
Y'all ain't even been together barely two years.
You should still be in the honeymoon phase.
This is a disaster.
You know, you may want to consider the possibility that you just bad at sex.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, Dad.
I'm not bad at sex.
Well, let me see your calves.
No, no, don't Are you serious right now? Do you really think that maybe Maxine isn't satisfied? Jerrod, if your mama makes me dinner and I sneak out the house for a cheeseburger, I'm unhappy with my dinner.
Maxine is unhappy with her dinner, capisce? (sighs) Yeah.
Uh, and take this with you.
I think you need it more than I do.
Thank you.
(clears throat) - And Jerrod.
- Yeah? Two short, one deep.
I am not having this talk with you.
Just to be clear, if I turn on the parental control setting, I can block the lesbians and still stream Ellen? Well, thank you.
No, you've been incredibly helpful.
(clears throat) (knocking on door) Mom, I need to talk to you.
I'm not going to Red Robin.
It's new, but it's a chain, and they're all the same, Bobby.
No, that's not it, even though I will argue that each Red Robin got their own distinct personality.
(sighs) I just think you overreacted how angry you are with us and the reverend.
I don't want you to leave the church; you love that place.
It's been your second home for years.
But I don't think you in a place to be, um, so judgmental.
Well, now, what is that supposed to mean? (sighs) I got something to tell you.
Ooh, okay, I hoped this day would never come.
What day? What are you talking about? All right, when I was 13, I came up here looking for my VHS of all my favorite Fresh Prince episodes.
Uh-huh.
You know, I wanted to watch the one where Will got shot and-and Carlton got nervous and ended up buying a gun.
Well, what happened? Well, in a very emotional moment, when they got to the hospital, Will took the gun from Carlton, right? And listen, every time I think about this, it makes me cry.
He just, "Give me the gun, Carlton! I saved your" Bobby, Bobby! What happened in the story you were telling me about? (sighs) All right.
Uh, so I put the VHS in, expecting to see a Fresh Prince episode, but it wasn't a Fresh Prince episode.
It was, uh, you and Daddy in a sex tape.
Oh! What?! Oh, I-I I told Joe to get rid of it.
Well, oh, God, I really wish he would have.
Those few seconds really messed me up.
I haven't been able to watch Fresh Prince for 20 years.
Matter of fact, I can't see anything that Will Smith was in.
Do you know how bad I wanted to see Hancock? Bobby, you shouldn't have seen that.
I'm sorry.
I don't want you to think any less of me.
It was just, your daddy, - you know, he was trying to - Okay, wait.
Nope, nope, stop.
- He had this thing with his calf muscle - Please, don't! Stop, stop! Mama, you don't have to tell me anything, okay? (sighs) Look, I don't think less of you because of this.
It's your private life.
But you shouldn't think less of us either.
It just feels so good to judge people.
Until you get called on it, you know what I mean? Look here, Ma, look, you have nothing to worry about, okay? There's still plenty of people you can judge.
Matter of fact, your friend Denise is back in rehab.
Oh.
(chuckles) Bobby, you always know the right thing to say.
Ah, come on, let's go to Red Robin.
(laughs) I need some gas money, too, Ma.
Oh Maxine, am I bad at sex? Um, first of all, close the door.
And secondly, why are you asking me that? Because I want to know.
I mean, you're in the bathroom watching porn.
You're not calling Big J in that moment.
Not gonna lie, Big J's ego is hurt a little bit.
I'm sorry I said anything.
I should have never pushed us into having this conversation.
Yeah, but, like, why are you watching it while I'm sitting there in the next room? (sighs): Okay.
How do I explain this? Okay, you know how sometimes you go out to brunch and mimosas with friends, and it's great, but then other times you just want to come home and have a glass of Bordeaux alone? Nah, I grew up poor.
None of that really relates to my life.
Okay, that's a bad example.
Yeah.
Okay, you know how sometimes you need a workout partner, and then sometimes you just get on the treadmill by yourself? Yeah, I don't really work out like that.
- I, like, tried - Do we have anything in common? Well, apparently just watching porn.
(sighs) Jerrod, why does it have to signal that something is wrong when I do it, but you list off the name of ten porn stars and I got to be honest, it seems a little excessive but it's okay? August Ames.
I'm sorry, I left her off the list earlier.
Jerrod.
(sighs) Why is it such a big deal to you that I watch porn? Well, because women watch porn because they're not satisfied.
Men watch it because we're monsters.
But that is just not true.
It is such a fallacy that women's sexual appetites are different than men's.
This is just a classic instance of society creating double standards in order to control women.
Okay, uh, Maxine, please do not make porn sound boring.
I'm not gonna lie.
I think it's a little weird that you watch it.
Well, I think it's weird that you watch it.
I think it's weird that any of us watch it.
We're watching strangers having sex on camera.
It's weird.
But we do it.
And that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with us.
I mean, what do you want to do? You want to both agree to not watch it anymore? No.
Okay.
(chuckles) Uh, well, then how about this? I I promise that I will not watch it anymore while you are home, if you unfollow Dani Daniels on Instagram.
Deal.
(sighs) But you're missing out on some really funny posts, Maxine.
Like, she's great - Okay.
- Okay, fine, fine, fine.
God, the things I do for love.
(chuckles) So what time are you getting home tomorrow? Exactly? (both laughing) We were so young.
I know.
- Oh, Joe, there your move! - Oh! That's your move, baby! (laughs) I'm glad we got that on film, 'cause I damn sure can't do that no more.
(laughs) WILL SMITH: Now this is the story all about how What happened? Oh, if Bobby had hung in there, he could have seen the rest of his show.
Mm-hmm.