The Cosby Show s02e12 Episode Script

I GAVE MY CAT A BALL OF YA YA DADDY? DADDY! HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT'S THIS WORD? WHICH ONE? UH YARN.
SEE.
YA-A-R-R-N-N.
YARN.
THANKS.
I GAVE MY CAT A BALL OF YARN.
SHE PUT IT IN HER BASK DADDY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHAT? WHAT'S THIS WORD? B-A-A-S-S-K-E-T.
B-A-A-S-K-E-T.
BASKET.
THANKS.
NO PROBLEM.
SHE PLA DADDY.
WHAT? WHAT'S THIS WORD? WHY DON'T WE READ THIS TOGETHER? SHE PLAYED WITH IT ALL DAY.
GOT IT? THE END.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU WANT TO READ SOMETHING ELSE? NO, YOU'RE TIRED.
THANK YOU.
MAY I HAVE A KISS, PLEASE? BYE-BYE.
HEY, DAD.
HOW YOU DOING? HOW WAS BASKETBALL PRACTICE? I COULDN'T REALLY CONCENTRATE.
I KEPT THINKING ABOUT THAT MATH TEST TODAY.
OH, YES, MRS.
WESTLAKE.
HOW DID IT GO? IT WAS A KILLER.
TWENTY QUESTIONS-- NO MULTIPLE CHOICE AND WE COULDN'T EVEN USE CALCULATORS.
DURING THE WHOLE TEST YOU COULDN'T HEAR ANYONE BREATHING.
WHEN THE BELL RANG EVERYONE GAVE THE TEST TO MRS.
WESTLAKE AND LEFT WITHOUT SAYING A WORD.
ALL RIGHT.
COCKROACH COULDN'T GET OUT OF THE CHAIR.
HE JUST SAT THERE SHAKING HIS HEAD, SAYING: "I NEVER GOT PAST NUMBER THREE.
" HOW MANY DID YOU DO? I ANSWERED ALL 20.
HOW DO YOU THINK YOU DID? ALL I CAN SAY IS, I STUDIED AS HARD AS I COULD.
THAT'S ALL I CAN ASK.
THAT'S ALL YOUR MOTHER CAN ASK.
THAT'S ALL THE WORLD CAN ASK.
I HOPE COCKROACH IS ALL RIGHT.
LAST TIME I SAW HIM HE WAS WANDERING AROUND, SAYING: "I DIDN'T GET PAST NUMBER THREE.
" ( RING ) I'LL GET IT.
HUXTABLE RESIDENCE.
YES, HE'S HERE.
WHO'S SPEAKING? HOLD ON, MRS.
WESTLAKE.
DAD, THIS IS MRS.
WESTLAKE.
YOUR MRS.
WESTLAKE? SHE'S NOT MY MRS.
WESTLAKE.
SHE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
OKAY.
HELLO, DR.
HUXTABLE HERE.
YES, MRS.
WESTLAKE.
HOW ARE YOU? YOU WOULD? WELL, FINE.
SURE.
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE FOR DINNER? DAD, NO! DON'T DO THIS TO ME.
DO WHAT TO YOU? GIVE IT TO ME.
YES SURE, YOU CAN BRING YOUR HUSBAND OVER.
NO, NO.
JUST A MINUTE, PLEASE.
ARE YOU LANDING AN AIRPLANE OR SOMETHING? DON'T INVITE HER HERE.
IT'S TOO LATE, I ALREADY DID.
NOW, LISTEN, MRS.
WESTLAKE.
YES, MY WIFE AND I WOULD BE SO HAPPY.
YES.
WE'LL SEE YOU THEN.
NO, THIS WILL NOT BE ANYTHING FANCY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BYE-BYE.
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SHE HAD AN ACCENT.
WHAT DID SHE SAY? SHE WANTS TO SEE ME.
IT'S THE TEST.
I BLEW IT! YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
WHY NOT MEET HER AT SCHOOL? I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICER IF SHE CAME HERE.
BUT YOU DIDN'T ASK ME.
NO, SAY THAT TO ME AGAIN.
YOU DIDN'T ASK ME IF SHE COULD COME FOR DINNER.
WAIT ONE SECOND.
STAY RIGHT HERE.
NOW, THESE ARE THE BILLS.
THAT'S THE WATER BILL.
THIS IS THE MORTGAGE.
THIS IS THE ELECTRICITY.
YOUR NAME IS NOT ON ANY OF THESE.
DINNER IS IN TWO HOURS.
WASH UP.
THE WATER'S ALL PAID FOR.
IF I PAY FOR THE WATER, WOULD YOU CALL HER BACK? NO! COME ON.
GO.
DENISE? YEAH? COME HERE.
WHAT'S UP? DENISE, SHE'S COMING.
WHO? THE CREATURE TEACHER.
MRS.
WESTLAKE? YES, SHE'S COMING HERE FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
DAD INVITED HER.
I'M SORRY.
WHAT'S THE OCCASION? A MATH TEST.
SHE'S COMING HERE FOR A MATH TEST? WHAT DID YOU GET? SHE'S COMING HERE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I GOT? SOUNDS PRETTY BAD.
THINK I CAN BREAK MY ARM BEFORE DINNER? HOW BAD CAN IT BE? SHE'LL ONLY BE HERE A FEW HOURS.
BUT WHAT IF COCKROACH AND THE GUYS FIND OUT SHE WAS HERE? I'LL HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
WHEREVER I GO I'LL BE KNOWN AS THE GUY WHO HAD DINNER WITH MRS.
WESTLAKE.
I'M SORRY I'M GOING TO MISS THIS.
YOU WON'T BE HERE? I'M GOING SHOPPING WITH MONICA.
I NEED YOU TO TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF ME.
THEO, I CAN'T STAY.
MAYBE SHE'LL CALL AND CANCEL.
NO WAY.
SHE'LL JUMP AT THIS.
A WOMAN LIKE HER NEVER GETS INVITED ANYWHERE.
WELL, GOOD LUCK.
THANKS.
DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M PUTTING HORS D'OEURVES DOWN FOR THE GUESTS.
WHY? BECAUSE I ALWAYS PUT HORS D'OEURVES OUT FOR THE GUESTS.
DAD, THIS WILL MAKE THE EVENING LONGER.
COULDN'T WE JUST GO TO THE TABLE AND START EATING? IF YOU'D LIKE I'LL JUST PUT THE FOOD IN A BROWN PAPER BAG AND HAVE THEM EAT IT OUT ON THE SIDEWALK.
FINE WITH ME.
NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M STRAIGHTENING PILLOWS.
MRS.
WESTLAKE LIKES ORDER.
THE FIRST THING SHE DOES EVERYDAY IS MAKE SURE OUR DESKS ARE IN PERFECT ROWS.
REALLY? I OUGHT TO SHOW HER YOUR ROOM.
DAD, NO! SHE STANDS IN FRONT OF THE CLASS LIKE THIS-- WITH HER HAIR IN A TIGHT BUN AND GLASSES ON HER NOSE SO SHE CAN LOOK DOWN ON US.
MUST BE ROUGH.
I PITY HER HUSBAND.
I ONLY SPEND ONE CLASS A DAY WITH HER.
HE LIVES WITH HER.
HE PROBABLY RAISES HIS HAND TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
VANESSA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M EATING DINNER.
WHY ISN'T VANESSA EATING WITH US? SHE HAS A SCIENCE CLUB MEETING.
RUDY'S EATING WITH US, RIGHT? NO.
SHE'S STAYING AT PETER'S HOUSE.
I'LL BE THE ONLY ONE HERE MRS.
WESTLAKE CAN PICK ON? VANESSA, COME ON.
HAVE ANOTHER DINNER.
WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO SPEND THE EVENING WITH US ADULTS? SORRY.
I CAN'T.
WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET ABOUT THIS? HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR TEACHER CAME FOR DINNER? I'D LOVE IT.
YOU WOULD.
THEO, STOP WORRYING.
IT WILL BE A LOVELY EVENING.
THE ONLY THING I'D WORRY ABOUT IS MAKING A MISTAKE AT DINNER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SAY MRS.
WESTLAKE ASKS YOU TO PASS THE GRAVY.
YOUR ELBOW HITS THE TABLE AND YOU SPILL THE WHOLE BOWL IN HER LAP.
MOM, ARE WE HAVING GRAVY? NO.
BUT YOU KNOW, IT COULD BE WORSE.
MRS.
WESTLAKE REACHES FOR THE SALT AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY SNEEZE ON HER ARM.
EW! MOM! THEO DOESN'T NEED TO HEAR THIS.
IF YOUR TEACHER WERE COMING OVER, YOU'D BE NERVOUS.
MAYBE.
BUT I DON'T CALL MY TEACHER "DRAGON LADY" BEHIND HER BACK.
( DOORBELL ) THAT'S HER.
HELLO? DR.
HUXTABLE? YES.
HI.
THIS IS MY HUSBAND.
HI, JACK WESTLAKE.
WESTLAKE? YES.
THEO! COME HERE, SON.
MRS.
WESTLAKE? HELLO, THEODORE.
YEAH, THIS IS YOUR TEACHER WITH THE BUN IN HER HAIR.
THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOME.
THANK YOU.
THEO, WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN? OH, YEAH.
COME ON.
JOIN US, PLEASE.
WHY DON'T YOU SIT BY ME? I DON'T BITE.
MRS.
WESTLAKE MRS.
HUXTABLE AND I ARE VERY, VERY HAPPY TO MEET YOU.
ANNA WAS VERY EXCITED ABOUT MEETING YOU.
YES, I WAS.
YOUR ACCENT'S LOVELY.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM? I'M FROM INDIANA.
THAT'S WHY I MARRIED HIM.
I LOVE THE WAY HE TALKS.
NO, MRS.
WESTLAKE.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM? PLEASE CALL ME ANNA MARIA.
I'M FROM BRAZIL.
AH, BRAZIL.
NAO FALO BEM PORTUGUES.
VOCE FALA PORTUGUES.
NO.
PORQUE? EU FUI AO BRASIL POR DUS SEMANAS.
NO, WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO THIS TONIGHT.
WE'RE GOING TO TALK AMERICAN TONIGHT.
I'M SO SORRY.
( SPEAKING PORTUGUESE ) NO, HEY, HEY! THAT'S IT.
( FAKE PORTUGUESE ) WHAT CITY ARE YOU FROM? FROM RIO.
RIO! OH, THAT'S MY CITY.
YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN.
BECAUSE MY WIFE WON'T LET ME GO.
IF SHE EVER LETS YOU GO GO DURING CARNIVAL.
THE WHOLE CITY IS ONE BIG PARTY.
SHE TOOK ME LAST YEAR.
KEPT ME UP DANCING ALL NIGHT.
MRS.
WESTLAKE? WE WERE GOING TO GO BACK THIS YEAR BUT WE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO.
YOU'RE HAPPY ABOUT THAT? WE'RE HAPPY ABOUT WHAT MIGHT KEEP US FROM GOING BACK.
EU ACHO QUE ESTOU GRAVIDA.
AY, PARA BEM! QUE BARATO! NO, NO, NO, NO.
ANNA MARIA THINKS SHE'S PREGNANT.
MRS.
WESTLAKE? WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
AND I WANT YOU TO BE MY DOCTOR.
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT? YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME THE CHANCE.
WELL, I WOULD BE HONORED.
THEN YOU WON'T BE FINISHING THE SCHOOL YEAR? OH, NO.
IF I'M PREGNANT THE BABY WILL COME IN THE SUMMER.
YOU'LL TEACH NEXT YEAR? NO.
I'M TAKING A YEAR OFF.
SON, YOU WERE FORTUNATE TO GET MRS.
WESTLAKE WHEN YOU DID.
YES, DAD.
VERY FORTUNATE.
EXCUSE ME.
THIS REALLY IS A SPECIAL OCCASION.
DAD THAT IS NOT THE MRS.
WESTLAKE I TOLD YOU ABOUT.
WHO IS IT? THAT'S MRS.
WESTLAKE BUT NOT THE MRS.
WESTLAKE I KNOW.
I SEE.
FIRST OF ALL, LOOK AT HER.
SHE LOOKS GOOD! SHE'S GOT HER HAIR DOWN GOT HER GLASSES OFF.
DAD, SHE'S WEARING MAKEUP.
SHE EVEN SAID SOMETHING FUNNY.
I CAN GET A'S FROM A WOMAN LIKE THAT.
SO WHAT IS YOUR POINT? SHE CAN'T FOOL ME.
I KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING HERE.
WHAT? SHE DIDN'T COME HERE BECAUSE OF THAT BABY.
SHE'S WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME TO TELL ME WHAT I GOT ON MY MATH TEST.
SHE WANTS TO DROP THE BOMB ON ME IN MY OWN HOME.
YOU SEE, DAD THAT WOULD BE A DREAM COME TRUE FOR HER.
I'VE LISTENED TO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING AND I HEARD YOU.
I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, AND YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? WHAT? YOU'RE LOSING YOUR MIND.
ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME, DAD? NO, YOU'RE DOING ALL OF IT YOURSELF.
NOW COME ON OUT HERE.
CLIFF: SO THE MAN SAID I'M SORRY, SIR BUT THE TOREADOR DOES NOT ALWAYS WIN.
WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO AMERICA I USED TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT BUT PEOPLE DID NOT SPEAK THEY SPOKE A KIND ANNA WORKED IN A DINER WHILE ATTENDING COLLEGE.
GIVE ME ADAM AND EVE ON A RAFT.
TWO POACHED EGGS ON TOAST.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? I WORKED IN A DINER, TOO.
HERE'S ONE.
GIVE ME A BERG, HOLD THE GARDEN.
HAMBURGER-- NO LETTUCE, NO TOMATO.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE? GIVE ME A DOG, AND MAKE IT CRY.
YES.
THE HOT DOG WITH ONIONS.
AH! I HAVE ONE FOR YOU.
GIVE ME A DRIED-UP FROG, AND LEAVE HIS LIVER IN.
AND WHAT IS THAT? IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.
HOW LONG DID YOU WORK IN A DINER? ALL THROUGH COLLEGE.
TELL THEM WHAT YOU DID ON THE WEEKENDS.
I DROVE A TAXI CAB.
YOU DROVE A CAB? YEAH.
THE FIRST NIGHT WASN'T EASY.
A MAN GOT INTO MY CAB AND TOLD ME: "TO THE AIRPORT, AND STEP ON IT.
" I THOUGHT TO MYSELF: "WHY DO I HAVE TO STEP ON THE AIRPORT?" HE SAID: "PLEASE, I NEED TO GET THERE IN A JIFFY!" AND I SAID: "THIS IS NOT A JIFFY.
IT'S A YELLOW CAB.
" DID THE MAN MAKE IT TO THE AIRPORT? YES, BUT I MISSED MY FLIGHT.
CLIFF: AW! (* HUMMING "ISN'T IT ROMANTIC?" *) SO YOU WORKED TWO JOBS WHILE YOU WERE IN COLLEGE.
YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T MIND THE WORK.
I WAS IN AMERICA.
I KNEW THAT IF I WORKED HARD I COULD BE WHATEVER I WANTED.
THAT'S WHY I MAKE YOU WORK SO HARD.
WELL, THEO HAS SAID THAT HE GETS AN AWFUL LOT OF ATTENTION IN YOUR CLASS.
BUT I'M NOT SAYING I MIND.
THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID.
HE CAME HOME THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL-- HIS FACE WAS LIKE THIS.
I HAVE TO TELL.
I HAVE TO TELL.
MY SON CAME HOME-- HIS FACE WAS LIKE THIS-- AND HE SAID: "DAD, THE THING I WAS MOST AFRAID OF IN MY WHOLE LIFE HAPPENED TODAY.
" I SAID, "WHAT, SON?" "I GOT MRS.
WESTLAKE FOR MATH.
" "AND THE FIRST DAY, DAD, SHE GAVE US HOMEWORK.
" AND WHAT ABOUT THE SECOND DAY OF CLASS? I KNEW HE HAD NOT DONE HIS HOMEWORK BECAUSE WHEN I ASKED FOR VOLUNTEERS TO GO TO THE BLACKBOARD HE TRIED TO HIDE BEHIND THE PERSON IN FRONT OF HIM.
I DID THAT IN BIOLOGY CLASS.
IT DOESN'T WORK.
I KNOW.
THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS SENT YOU TO THE BLACKBOARD.
I WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I KNEW YOU WEREN'T PREPARED.
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT MAKE YOU STUDY MORE.
IT DID.
NOW WHEN YOU GO TO THE BLACKBOARD YOU DO MUCH BETTER.
AND THE CLASS SEES THIS AND THEY WANT TO DO BETTER, TOO.
I DON'T KNOW IF THEO KNOWS IT BUT HE'S LUCKY TO HAVE A TEACHER LIKE YOU.
THANK YOU.
I GET EXCITED WHEN MY STUDENTS DO THE WORK I KNOW THEY CAN DO.
I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN CHILDREN TAKE EDUCATION FOR GRANTED.
THAT'S WHY I'M TOUGH.
AND I'LL KEEP BEING TOUGH EVEN IF IT MEANS THAT THEY CALL ME "THE DRAGON LADY.
" WHO CALLS YOU THAT? ALL MY STUDENTS DO BUT I LIKE THAT NAME.
IT MEANS THAT I'M DOING MY JOB.
( BEEP ) MAY I USE YOUR PHONE? - OF COURSE.
- THANK YOU.
WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME JUST A LITTLE BIT? I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU, THEODORE IN THE OTHER ROOM.
YOU WOULD? AND MAKE IT SNAPPY.
DAD, THAT'S THE MRS.
WESTLAKE I KNOW.
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, MRS.
WESTLAKE? YES, THEODORE.
PLEASE SIT HERE.
YES, MRS.
WESTLAKE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M VERY GLAD THAT I CAME HERE TONIGHT.
ME, TOO! MAYBE WE CAN DO IT AGAIN SOMETIME.
YES, I HOPE SO, TOO.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I LOVE YOUR PARENTS.
THEY ARE VERY, VERY NICE.
THANK YOU, MRS.
WESTLAKE.
THEODORE, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE TEST TODAY.
OH.
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE IT TO YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR PARENTS.
THANK YOU, MRS.
WESTLAKE.
THANK YOU.
OPEN IT.
DO I HAVE TO? YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
OPEN IT.
YES, MRS.
WESTLAKE.
AN 89! I GOT AN 89! ALL RIGHT! I MEAN, UH I'M VERY PLEASED, MRS.
WESTLAKE.
SO AM I.
THIS WAS A HARD TEST.
I KNOW.
ONE STUDENT JUST GOT UP TO PROBLEM NUMBER THREE.
REALLY? MOM, DAD MRS.
WESTLAKE BROUGHT MY TEST OVER.
OH, THEO! THIS IS AN 89! ( KNOCKING ) COME IN.
TELL ME THE TRUTH NOW.
DIDN'T YOU WIND UP HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME TODAY? I HAVE TO ADMIT, I REALLY DID.
AND SINCE WE WON'T HAVE A TEST FOR THREE WEEKS I HAVE LESS PRESSURE ON ME.
YOU STUDIED FOR A WHOLE WEEK.
THAT'S WHY YOU GOT THE 89.
YOU HAVE A HABIT OF KNOWING WHEN THE TEST IS COMING AND THEN WAITING UNTIL THE NIGHT BEFORE-- THEN YOU STUDY.
AND YOU WALK AROUND THE HOUSE YELLING AT PEOPLE-- PENCILS STICKING OUT OF YOUR EARS-- "WOULD YOU ALL BE QUIET? I'M TRYING TO STUDY HERE!" BUT I GIVE YOU CREDIT.
YOU'RE A GENIUS.
I AM? YEAH.
YOU WOULD STUDY THE NIGHT BEFORE-- READ FROM CHAPTER ONE TO CHAPTER 20-- INHALE ALL OF IT AND THEN THE NEXT MORNING GO TAKE THE TEST AND PASS.
JUST PASS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
JUST PASS.
NOW, DR.
NEWMAN, MY PROFESSOR AT SCHOOL, SAID: "THINK OF YOURSELF AS AN AIRPLANE.
" YOU TAKE OFF YOU BURN A LOT OF FUEL TAKING OFF BUT ONCE YOU REACH THAT HEIGHT AND LEVEL OFF YOU BURN LESS FUEL.
JUST LEVEL OFF.
BUT THE WAY YOU USED TO DO IT IS YOU WOULD TAKE OFF AND LAND.
TAKE OFF AND LAND.
AND THE PASSENGERS WERE GETTING JITTERY AND NERVOUS.
YOU SEE? NOW THAT YOU'VE TAKEN OFF IN MATH YOU JUST NEED TO STUDY TO KEEP YOUR ALTITUDE.
I LIKE THAT.
JUST BECAUSE OF THAT I THINK WE SHOULD GO ON DOWNSTAIRS AND WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE DESSERT.
I DON'T KNOW, DAD.
YOU SEE, DESSERT IS LIKE AN AIRPLANE.
ONCE YOU GET TO A CERTAIN WEIGHT YOU HAVE TO CUT BACK ON THE FUEL.
YEAH, BUT THAT'S OKAY FOR ME BECAUSE I FLY LOWER THAN YOU.
COME ON.