The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e12 Episode Script

[instrumental music]
- Drew..
- Watch my chair.
[mumbling]
Here you go.
Good, right there.
- Can I open my eyes now?
- No, not yet, no.
See, we just, uh, wanted
to do somethin' extra for you
for getting us those jobs
at the store over the holidays.
Anyway, we pooled our money
together and we got you
something really special,
a big screen!
Wow! You got me a big-screen TV?
No, it's a big screen.
See? See, uh..
See, you put it in front of the
TV and it magnifies everything.
See? And you got yourself
a big-screen TV!
What is that, a pterodactyl
attacking the ponderosa?
Oh, actually, it's just a fly
on the screen. Uh, here you go.
[door opens]
Are you guys watching
the hurricane?
No, Lewis just spits
when he talks.
Now it's magnified 2000 times.
Well, turn on the news, there's
a big hurricane in Florida.
It sounded like it was close
to your parents' place.
- What? Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- 'Despite weather..'
- Wow!
Look at the roofs
blowing off those houses!
The furniture's flying
everywhere!
Hey, I tried to get that couch.
They said it didn't come
in that pattern.
Wow, that's close
to the neighborhood.
I hope they're not home.
[door opens]
You ever gonna put salt
on that sidewalk, Drew?
You're gonna wait
until your mom breaks her hip?
I didn't say send him here.
[chuckles]
Oh, hey, yeah.
[chuckles]
Don't look at my hair.
I've been traveling
for 12 hours.
Oh, honey! Ah-ha.
- Well, um..
- I'm glad you're okay.
I thought, I thought you were,
uh, trapped in the hurricane.
- What hurricane?
- Hurricane Jackie.
It's headed
right for your neighborhood.
- 'Really?'
- What?
We've been on the road
for a week.
We drove up here because
we've had some big problems.
- We lost the house to the bank.
- You lost the house?
Come on, Jackie,
blow the crap out of the house!
- What happened?
- Well..
We fell behind on the
payments and defaulted.
Yeah, it was a little
financial miscalculation.
With the way I eat
and your mom drives
we figured we'd be dead by now.
Well, that's great,
you taught me how to eat
and you taught me how to drive.
[The Vogues singing
"Five O'clock World"]
Up every mornin'
just to keep a job ♪
I gotta fight my way
through the hustlin' mob ♪
Sounds of the city
poundin' in my brain ♪
While another day
goes down the drain ♪
Yeah yeah yeah ♪
But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪
When the whistle blows
no one owns a piece of my time ♪
And there's a 5 o'clock me
inside my clothes ♪
Thinkin' that the world
looks fine yeah ♪
Hey hey hey ♪
A-da-lay-ee-ee yeah ♪
Hey ♪♪
[instrumental music]
(Drew)
[indistinct] default
and lose a house for no reason.
Somethin' happened
you don't wanna tell me.
Well, it could have happened
to anybody.
How could you think
that Disney
would actually build
a theme park called Gatorville
in the middle of a swamp?
Oh, are we gonna go
over all this again?
The man on the phone said
the land would be worth
a 100 times more than
we paid for it in just one week.
Oh, no! A Florida land scam?
How much did you invest?
Humph, maybe it'd be easier
just to show you
how much we got left.
Boy, that really burns me up
taking advantage
of honest people like that.
If you want, I'll hook you up
with a lawyer I know.
He'll only take
80% of the settlement.
[sighs]
Thank you, Oswald.
Oh, you are just as handsome
as ever.
I can't believe
that you're still single.
Well, whatever I'm doin',
it's workin'.
[giggles]
And, Lewis..
Tsk. You hang in there.
Katie, you look wonderful.
Did you get that picture of that
cute bachelor I sent you?
Yes I did, but unfortunately,
JFK Jr. just got married.
But he's a Kennedy,
it doesn't matter.
So why didn't you guys call me
when this first happened?
Well, I tried to call you,
but your
father won't let me use
the telephone.
Yeah, your last call
cost us $75,000.
Seventy-five-thousand dollars?
All my life I had to beg
for 50 cents to get ice cream.
Some stranger calls,
and you give him $75,000?
He was really good.
What are you gonna do now?
Uh, we filed
a class action suit.
In a couple of weeks
when that's settled
we'll be out of your hair.
Now, who wants a salami omelet?
[George chuckles]
Dad, I-I don't have any salami.
Well, then go on down
the butcher shop and get some.
Dad, there, uh,
there hasn't been
a butcher shop around here
in ages.
You see, back in the '50s
they decided to put
all the food groups under
one roof, call it a supermarket.
[laughing]
Alright, Mr. Wise Ass,
then go on
down to the supermarket,
get us some salami.
[clears throat]
I'm gonna soak.
Every inch of my body hurts
12 hours sitting
in that damn Winnebago.
So how is the old warhorse
holdin' up?
Well, why not? You're a man.
Still salutes, but there just
aren't as many parades anymore.
Actually, I was talkin'
about your Winnebago.
Oh.
Still solid as a rock
and can speed through tunnels.
What are we talkin' about now?
[instrumental music]
At Sally Mae Cosmetics, we feel
that beauty is only skin-deep.
But luckily, you can build
many layers on top of it.
Now, I don't know if you believe
that you could put a price tag
on beauty, but by lookin'
at you, I can tell
you haven't been spending
a whole hell of a lot.
- Excuse me.
- Look, honey..
Oh, I can see it's an emergency
but you're just gonna
have to wait your turn.
[chuckles]
No. I'm looking
for Drew Carey's office.
Oh, well, he doesn't have
an office, he just has a cubicle
no matter what he told you
in the bar.
Oh, oh.
Oh-ho. I am his mother.
Oh, his mother, huh?
Well, anyone that would find
a piglet by the side of the road
and raise it as their own,
you're good people.
You must be Mimi.
Oh. He told you about me?
He told me how you tease him.
Which usually means
that you have a crush on him.
Well, I do have a crush on him
but we both know
how hopeless it is
me bein' a woman and all.
Mom! Hey,
what are you doing here?
I brought you lunch.
Oh, by the way..
I owe you ten bucks.
She tried the gay angle.
You didn't have to do this.
Wow, two fried
baloney sandwiches, two Twinkies
a Ho Hos and a carrot.
I wanna make sure
you're eating right.
If I was a heroin addict, yeah.
So you come down here
to do some shoppin'?
No, I came down
for a job interview.
- What?
- I need to work.
Your father and I
need the money.
But I-I can't interview you.
Why not?
Well, because
because none of the other
personnel manager's moms
make them interview them.
Mr. Wick,
this is my mother, Beulah.
Would you please explain to her
why I can't
interview her for a job?
- Well, why can't you?
- Well..
Because there's conflict
of interest, there's nepotism
and besides, we don't need
anybody right now.
So, she gives you life
and you can't even give her
five minutes of your time?
My own mother is coming
into town this weekend
and I'm going to treasure
every moment of it.
And if I've got to suffer,
so have you.
Enjoy the interview.
Alright, but this is gonna be
a real job interview.
One crack about my posture
and you're back
pounding the pavement.
Yes, dear.
So, Mrs. Carey,
when was your last job?
Well, it's been ages.
Let me see.
Well, I was a receptionist
at this, uh
radio station downtown, WJW.
WJW.
And who was your boss there?
Alan Freed.
Alan Freed?
The first guy that played
rock music on the radio?
That's him, he used to play
the music so loud
I would have to call him and say
"Will you turn that music down?
You're making everything
rock and roll up here."
Wow! That's amazing.
Is there any other jobs
I should know about?
Well, let's see, after that
I went to work for NASA.
That didn't last very long.
I was having trouble
with my stapler
and I said, "You can't make
a stapler that works
but you can send a man
to the moon."
They said, "We can
send a man to the moon."
I said, "Well, you should."
And then they all got mad at me
for talking that way
in front of Senator Kennedy.
Mom, you're Florence Gump.
Well, alright, so, uh, what
department do you wanna work in?
I'd like to work
in the toddler department.
Well, do you have any experience
in that area?
I raised you.
She raised me.
Okay, now I have to ask
everybody this question.
Um, have you ever been
convicted of a felony?
Well, that's the stupidest
question I ever heard.
So that would be a no?
Drew, I'm your mother.
So that would be a no?
It wasn't my fault.
I was walking by the river.
I was a smoker in those days.
It used to be that
water would put out a cigarette.
Oh, my God! You set
the Cuyahoga River on fire?
No, I made that one up.
Put down good sense of humor.
So what do you think
my chances are, Mr. Carey?
Well, I don't know.
How quickly do you need a job?
Well, if we're gonna be
settling back in with you
at least we wanna pay
our share of the mortgage.
Se-settling back in?
Oh, you mean, till you win
the class action suit.
We lost the class action suit.
They found gators in the swamp.
So technically,
it is Gatorville.
Alright, then, I guess
I'll just file this away
and I'll see
you and dad tonight.
Well, thank you, dear.
I wanna kiss you goodbye, but
that wouldn't be professional.
Well, great,
I'll be a single guy
livin' at home with his parents.
All I need now is
to dust off the old ham radio
start collecting tropical fish,
I'll be
the biggest loser in the world.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Okay, the coast is clear.
If we're quiet,
we can still get to my bedroom.
At least we can talk up there,
no one will bother us.
[chuckles]
You know, it's been
years since I had a date
with a guy who still lived
with his parents.
Ah, yeah, I don't live
with them, they live with me.
They had a little money trouble,
I had to take 'em in.
But on the bright side,
you're datin' a swamp tycoon.
[chuckles]
Oh, don't tell me.
This must be Lisa.
No, mom, this is Robin.
Lisa and I broke up
three months ago.
Oh, that's right,
you couldn't commit.
Okay, if you'll excuse us,
mom, we're goin' up
to my bedroom to study. Hm?
Just do whatever you want,
honey. This is your house, too.
You won't even know
your father and I are here.
(George)
Holy Almighty,
will you look at this?
Drew, take a look at what I
cleaned out of your shower trap.
Huh, if you ever lose your hair,
I got you a toupee.
[laughing]
- Hi there.
- Hi.
Oh, I'd shake your hand,
but, uh..
But what? It'd be like
rubbing Drew's head.
[laughing]
[switch clicks]
Oh, my God!
Nice room, beav.
I take it
you don't get lucky a lot.
I can't believe this, they took
all the furniture from the attic
and made my room
look like it did when I was 12.
(Beulah)
'Surprise, Drew!'
Thank you, mom.
Hey, how come the lips are worn
off this Farrah Fawcett poster?
It came that way. Look, uh..
Maybe we should just
forget about it and go home.
Actually, it's kind of exciting,
I mean
hey, your parents
in the next room.
Uh, it's kinda like..
[sighs]
bein' in high school.
You know what I mean?
(George)
'Beulah,
where'd you put my ointment?'
(Beulah)
'Top shelf
in the medicine cabinet.'
- 'I don't see it!'
- 'Next to Drew's ointment!'
(George)
'Which one?
He's got so many of 'em.'
'What's the matter
with that kid?'
'I found it,
right next to Drew's FiberCon.'
'Have you seen that
handicapped dog of Drew's yet?'
(Beulah)
'Yes, I think he's sweet.'
(George)
'What the hell was his name?
Sparky. No, uh, Spunky.'
'Sparkles? Sally? Sammy?'
'Suzy? Did I say Sparky?'
(Beulah)
'Yes, dear!'
(George)
'Stevie? Sandy?'
Speedy!
The dog's name is Speedy!
- 'I said that!'
- 'No, you didn't, George.'
(George)
'I know what I said.'
Mom's right,
you didn't say Speedy!
(George)
'You always take
your mother's side.'
(Beulah)
'Because you're always wrong.'
See, we're just like
the Waltons.
Shut up, mom! Shut up, dad!
(George)
'What?'
Nothing!
- 'What?'
- Nothing! Never mind!
(George)
'What? I'm comin' up.'
If I get grounded,
I'll meet you in the parking lot
behind the RVs.
[instrumental music]
Drew, I was stuck here doing
inventory. What's your excuse?
I'm ironing the creases out of
my jeans that my mother put in
so I don't get beat up
at the Warsaw.
Oh, come on, those guys were
just calling you pretty jeans
'cause they were jealous.
I can't believe
that you're living in the store!
I'm not living here,
I'm just spending
a little more time here.
[timer dings]
Hey, it's dinner time.
Drew, when can I tell you
this is really sad?
Right after I take my sponge
bath in the drinking fountain.
Hey, Drew, we went by your house
to look for you
and your mom said
you forgot your afternoon snack.
It's a deep-fried pepperoni
nugget hoagie on pizza bread.
Why is your mom
trying to kill you?
You see, this is why I'm here.
My mom's always
in the kitchen cookin'
and my dad's
always in the bathroom.
It's like they got
their own little system
of supply and demand going on.
Drew, if they're
driving you crazy
maybe it's time
to ask them to leave.
I could never live
with my mother again.
No smoking, no drinking,
no bringing strange men home.
She wouldn't follow
any of my rules.
- So what are you gonna do?
- I can't keep doing this.
This morning there were
five strange shirts here
waitin' to be ironed.
You know, I'm not trying
to run away from the problem
but I feel guilty.
I don't want my own folks
in my own house anymore.
I just want my privacy back.
Does that make me a bad son?
No, Drew, you're not a bad son.
You-you were a bad son
when you-you
streaked
our high-school graduation.
Mm, actually, that was
pretty much bad for everyone.
- Yeah.
- Boy.
Did they lay the guilt on me
after that.
Well, if you can't be
the valedictorian
I guess that's something.
[chuckles]
They are always good at guilt.
I feel bad
I even just said that.
- 'Hm.'
- Hey, wait a second.
The answer's
right in front of me, I've been
training for this my whole life.
There's only one thing
my parents understand.
Hot pepper suppositories?
- No. Guilt.
- Hm.
But their guilt is old and
tired. Mine is young and strong.
- Hm.
- Yeah.
We'll see who reaches
for the comfort foods tomorrow.
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
Evening, Carey.
Mr. Wick, what are you
still doing here?
Well, uh, Mother Wick arrived
and I wasn't really
in a hurry to get home.
Oh, you did the shirts. Well..
See what you can do
with these trousers.
[instrumental music]
Oh, come on, mom.
I know everything smells better
when it's hung out in the line
but not in January.
[clattering]
[door opens]
Mom? Dad?
Oh, no, I wished them
into the cornfield.
(Mimi)
'My name is Mimi'
'and I'm your Sally Mae
representative.'
Oh, no, I need a weapon.
Where's my underwear?
This, ladies,
is your cosmetic case.
You live with it.
It's your best friend.
Sleep with it, eat with it,
make love to it..
'cause someday
it's gonna save your life.
Oh, isn't this exciting?
Mimi's found me a new career.
It's my pleasure, Mrs. Carey.
You know,
things are moving kind of slow.
I think it's time to introduce
our silent partner
Mr. Jack Daniel's.
Just a little bit
in everybody's coffee.
Golly. I am learning so much
about business.
You know, if we're gonna be here
for a while
I oughta invite
some of my navy buddies over
so we can, you know, sit around,
scratch, watch a ball game.
- You know? Yeah.
- Really?
What a coincidence, those are
my plans. Look, we need to talk.
Drew, you can forget
about findin' me a job.
From now on
I'm workin' out of the house.
Oh, so we'll be havin'
more of these parties?
And Mimi
will be hangin' out here?
And I can make a wind chime
out of my underwear. Boy.
Life is good.
You've got somethin'
on your mind, son?
Yeah. Yes, yes, I do.
Look, I was hopin'
we can make livin' together work
and I really
love you guys, but..
Oh, I'm not gonna worry you
with my problems.
Yeah.
I said, "Oh, I don't wanna
worry you with my problems."
What problems, Drew?
Well, you guys
are wonderful to me
and you sold me
this terrific house.
Some people say
I paid too much for it
the appraiser for one, but..
I've always been happy
here in my house.
I mean,
what used to be my house.
But I-I don't wanna burden you
with my problems.
Oh, jeez!
I didn't know it was that bad.
What the hell were we thinking?
We'll move out, son.
Really?
Of course.
Don't you worry about us.
We'll find a place,
and till we do
we'll just
drive around Cleveland.
But, George,
it's awfully cold out.
The boy wants us out, Beulah.
- Oh.
- Uh-oh. They got the ball.
Oh, honey, you're right.
We'll be fine.
We always get by.
Do you think
we can get prescriptions
without an address?
Oh.
You know, that's the second
saddest thing I've ever heard.
The saddest is,
how am I gonna find a place
that'll take my dog, Speedy?
My handicapped dog.
Can you watch him for me?
I know he's not much of a dog.
But he's got a big heart.
[sobbing]
He's all I've got.
[sobbing]
Oh, honey, that's just
what we said to the banker
when we lost our house.
- Yeah.
- And our dignity.
Oh, come on, honey.
Try and be strong.
We still have to dig out
the Winnebago.
Dad, stop, stop!
Look, I-I can't.. I'm the one
that's being selfish.
I want you to have the house.
Here's the keys.
I'm a bad son. I'm sorry
about the streakin', too.
- I can't take it anymore!
- Oh, you're not a bad son.
You're the most wonderful son
in the world!
Thanks, mom. Dad.
I can't believe
somebody conned you guys.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
[door opening]
Uh-oh! The whole guilt thing
didn't work, huh?
Yeah, but don't you worry
about me.
Look, I'm not tryin'
to intrude or anything
but can I leave my bags here?
It gets kind of crowded
sleepin' in the car.
- Alrighty.
- Yeah, sure.
Come on.
[door slams]
[door opens]
Get in here, we'll spray down
the couch for ya.
[door shuts]
[instrumental music]