The Exes (2011) s02e12 Episode Script

Well, we're actually done with lamaze.
We graduated.
Yeah, you know, I'm gonna kind of miss all our classmates.
Weepy girl.
Sweaty, nervous guy.
"Having the kid to save the marriage" couple.
I think they could've come up with a better way to send us off, though, than to show us that horror film.
You mean the birthing video? Yeah, that.
Did you see all that stuff coming out of there? It's like the world's most disgusting water park ride.
Eden, it's beautiful.
It's the most natural thing in the world.
Says the woman who doesn't have to push a costco-size jar of mayo out of her canoochie.
Okay, the only thing keeping me from completely freaking out is knowing you'll be by my side.
You got it, right by your side.
I'm gonna go nappy.
- You're my rock, Holly.
- Rock solid, baby.
Yeah? - Hey, Holly.
- Oh, hey.
Uh, listen, I found some stuff in the hallway.
Baby wipes, vaseline-- And nipple cream.
Either it's Eden's, or I just learned way too much - about Haskell.
- Ah.
Well, it's parting gifts from Lamaze class.
Thanks.
Ah, just think In a few weeks, you're gonna be witnessing first-hand the miracle of childbirth.
- Pretty exciting stuff, huh? - I can't do it, Stuart! I can't do it! What, what, what? You can't do what? I can't be in the room when Eden gives birth.
Well, sure, you can.
It's the most natural thing in the world.
Don't give me that crap! I saw the film.
There was less Gore and blood in saw ii.
God! I can't stand to see people I love in pain.
Oh! I'm in way over my head.
What was I thinking? Well, listen.
What about the Hubners? I mean, she's their surrogate.
Aren't they gonna be in the room with her? No.
She doesn't want them there, lucky bastards.
She wants someone there she can trust, a friend.
- What am I gonna do? - Well, fortunately, for you, you live across the hall from a highly-trained, trustworthy medical professional.
That surgeon moved out months ago.
- No, me.
Me! - Oh.
I'm a dentist.
People's pain? Pfft.
Means nothing to me.
Oh, that-- that came out wrong.
What I mean is, I'd be happy to be in the delivery room with Eden.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Thank you, Stuart.
- You just saved my life! - Well, I'm a dentist.
It's what we do.
We lost our homes we lost our wives three strangers, what we gonna do? our divorce lawyer said she'll put a roof over our head yeah, she came to our rescue she's where we go when our hearts are broken - Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- So how'd Eden take it? - Mm.
- Take what? - I couldn't tell her.
Tell her what? Every time I tried, she'd look up at me with those huge, Bambi pregnant eyes, - and call me a rock.
- What rock? Look, you have to tell her.
You can't put this off.
Enough! Nobody puts Haskell in the corner.
Fine.
Look--look, Holly can't handle being in the delivery room with Eden, so she asked me to step in.
He's a dentist.
His medical training ends at the chin.
Why was I not asked? Look, obviously, Holly felt comfortable that in her stead was a highly-trained, - highly-esteemable-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're in, too.
Look, I gotta get Eden in a really good mood before I tell her, so tonight, we're gonna take her to a fabulous restaurant, let her eat herself into a food coma, and just as she's slipping out of consciousness, I'm gonna let her know that the gentle female presence she was counting on is now gonna be you two clowns.
Guys, uh, I got a problem, - and I need your advice.
- What? - What's the matter? - Does one wear Prada or Armani to a bangin' party on a yacht, 'cause that's where big papa's gonna be tonight! Definitely wear the Prada, because I'm gonna be wearing my Armani knock off, and we don't wanna look like twins.
- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes! Oh, my God, this is perfect! Even better than a dinner.
Look, I gotta get Eden in a really good mood, and a party on a bangin' boat would do it! The invitation didn't say "Bring your pushy friends.
" All right? This is a business party on my boss' yacht.
This is my job, people.
- And Eden's your friend.
- Hmm.
That little pregnant woman is doing one of the most selfless things a person can do, And you can't bring her on a boat to make her happy? That's not the Phil - that I know.
- Nor I.
I hate you people.
Okay.
- Holly, this is boat is insane.
- Are you happy? - Yeah.
- I made it happen for you.
Remember, big points for me.
Hey, there, Eden, grab my hand.
That's okay, Holly's got me.
- She's my rock.
- Yeah, well, it never hurts to have back up.
Yeah, in case your rock crumbles like bleu cheese.
- What took you guys so long? - Oh, well, we had to stop at the drugstore and pick up seasick patches for you-know-who.
Only a fool would taunt Neptune.
Okay.
Patches on.
- Let's party.
- Oh, no, no, no, no party.
I told you the best I could do was a quick tour, then, you leave.
Everyone's happy, and I don't end up working at Kinko's.
Don't worry, captain kill-joy.
We're not gonna embarrass you.
Hey.
Somebody hold my waist.
I wanna yell "I'm king of the world!" Haskell, take my phone and get a picture of Holly and me.
- Oh, I want a picture, too! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, - get one with me.
- All right, look, guys.
One picture.
Everybody in it.
We'll call it "The gang before they took a quick tour, and then got the hell off the boat.
" Ready.
One, two-- Hello, Phil.
Grant.
Oh, hey.
You know what? Get in the picture.
Give the phone to that guy.
That's my boss.
Listen, Grant, I hope you don't mind.
I was just giving them a quick tour of the boat.
I understand.
I've made mistakes in my career, too.
Get rid of them.
It was nice meeting you! - Yeah.
- Great boat! Awesome.
I'm sorry, guys.
You--you gotta go.
- My boss is trippin'.
- Well, listen.
Don't worry.
It--we'll leave.
But thanks so much for doing all this, really.
No problem.
All right, okay? Okay, good-bye! You know what? Now, we're in such a great mood for whatever happens next! Right, Eden? - Hey, where'd Eden go? - Oh, no.
Come on.
We gotta find her and get off the boat, before Phil gets in trouble.
Uh, he's right.
We have no business being here.
Oh! Thank you, my man.
- There you are! - We've been looking all over for you.
It was an arduous search.
Well, I wanted to see the rest of the boat.
I mean, can you believe this place? As soon as my body snaps back, I'm gonna hook up with a guy who'll spin me around in a bed like this.
This beats the kayak I shared with mother on our whitewater adventure.
Believe me, I thought twice before pulling her out of the rapids.
Okay, look.
We found Eden.
- We gotta get off the boat.
- No, I want a picture! - No, Eden, but Phil-- - Eden wants a picture? She's getting a picture.
- Fine.
- Holly, you're always there - for me.
- Even when I'm not.
- Take it.
- Hang on.
I can't get it to focus.
I--I can't get anything to focus.
Oh, my God, I'm going blind.
My mom warned me this could happen.
Relax.
You're probably just having - a reaction to something.
- It's probably those stupid patches.
Let me see the box.
- Uh - Let's see.
Yeah, it says here, "Possible side effects: Dry mouth, blurred vision, excessive weenieness.
" Yeah, it's the patches.
Okay, patches off.
Patches off.
How long till I can see again? It says the, uh, vision loss is temporary, but you're a weenie for life.
Okay, you guys, we should go before the party starts.
What the hell was that? The boat's leaving the dock.
We're heading out to sea.
Ahh, patches on, patches on.
Trapped on a luxury yacht.
Woe is me.
Hey, Grant, great party, man.
Pretty impressive.
Thanks.
I'm proud of what we built.
That's why I wanted tonight to be just us.
You're all like family to me.
Hey, Stan, congratulations on the new house.
He's gone Monday.
Isn't that your brother-in-law? That's why I gave him till Monday.
You know, I'm feeling kind of sentimental tonight, Phil.
I can't stop thinking of the words they told me when I took over the firm.
"Grant, your father's dead.
" Wow, must've been bittersweet.
How so? What a beautiful night, huh? - Yeah.
- Look at that view.
Well, now that we're out to sea, all I need is my captain's hat.
Your captain's hat! - What's funny about that? - Nothing, nothing, no-- Look, you know what? Why don't you stay here and enjoy the party, and I'll go get it for you.
Thanks.
It's in the stateroom, Phil.
And don't try it on.
I'll know.
Does anyone else feel like a bond girl? Wait a second.
I hear footsteps.
I think someone's coming.
Quick! Hide! I can't do anything quick.
I'm not moving.
I can live with that.
- What are you doing? - I'm hiding! All right, now, if I was a silly ass captain's hat, where would I be? There it is.
Nooo! No--oh, hell no! Great boat, Phil.
You're not supposed to be here! Okay, okay Phil, look at me.
You have every right to be angry.
Sorry, Phil, we meant to leave.
Where's the third stooge? Tell your boss thumbs up on the two-ply.
Guys, what happened to a quick tour and then get off? I'm sorry.
Well, that's we wanted to do.
Yeah, but we had to find Eden.
- Guys! - Do you realize I could lose my job over this? Guys! - Guys! - What? I think my water just broke.
I really hate you people.
- Oh.
- What'd the doctor say? - What'd the doctor say? - He said not to panic.
You hear that, everyone, don't panic! And he said he'll meet us at the hospital, and to call him when the contractions are ten minutes apart.
Ohh, there's one! Oh, no, okay.
Look, Eden, you are gonna have that baby in that hospital, all right? So cross your legs and think tight thoughts.
Um, just--just push it back, you know? Just--just push it back.
Push-- Push it back, push it back, waaaay back push it back, push it back, waaaay back listen, you gotta go up there and you gotta tell your boss to turn this boat around.
Well, what am I supposed to say? "You know those people I was supposed to kick off the boat? One of them just dropped her baby water all over your rug.
Good, you have a plan.
Now go! All right, I'm going, I'm going.
But, listen, the next time I tell you to get off the damn boat, get off the damn boat! Grant! I got your hat.
What took you so long? I bet you were checking out the boat, right? Oh, yeah.
Man, you know, I--I saw things I never expected to see.
I opened to the door to the stateroom, and I was like, "Whaaat?" Isn't it great, Phil? Nothing like being out on the open water.
Oh, we're getting pretty close to where we dumped pop's ashes.
- Moment of silence? - Yes.
- That's enough.
- Okay.
You know, Grant, I gotta tell you, being out here kind of reminds me of the parties your dad used to throw.
- Really? - Oh, yeah! Same boat.
Same food.
Same cruise around Manhattan.
It's not exactly the same.
Jacuzzi's new.
But still, you know, a lot of guys would've felt the need to go a different way, like, maybe have the party at the dock.
But not you.
Yeah, somewhere up there, your dad's smiling.
I bet he is Smug son of a bitch.
Let's turn this boat around.
We're going back to the dock.
All right, great.
I'm gonna go tell the captain.
You just did.
I did it.
I did it! I single-handedly turned this boat around.
You're looking at a new superhero, full-of-crap-man.
Oh, thank you, Phil.
Thank you! All right, all right, I gotta get back to make sure nobody comes down here.
How's Eden doing? Ah, she's hanging in there, but these contractions can take a lot out of you.
Is there anything I can do? I wouldn't say no to a slider.
You hear that, Eden? You're gonna make it to the hospital.
Everything is gonna be fine.
The contractions-- contractions are getting closer.
This one's not over yet.
Holly! I'm right here for you, honey.
Ooh, let me go get you some ice chips! - I'm not thirsty-- - I'm on it! No, no, Holly, stop! Look, I can see what's happening here.
I'm not blind.
- I'm over here.
- Okay, listen.
You-you can't just run out on her.
- She needs you.
- This is my worst nightmare! I told you, I can't handle this! Well, you're gonna have to tell her that you can't be there for her.
That was a big one! Your contractions are now no more minutes apart.
All right, look.
Haskell, I don't want to freak Eden out, but there's no way we're gonna make it to the hospital.
We're having this baby on the boat.
- What? - What? What the hell's wrong with you? Go make yourself useful.
Get Phil to call - the coast guard.
- I'm on it! Holly, where are you? Hold my hand! Okay.
Holly, I think this baby's coming.
- Are you sure? - Aaaah! - Aaah! - Aaahhh! We're out of Pepsi! Haskell, do something! All right! This is a crisis situation.
I'm instituting sea law.
Eden, I don't want you to feel awkward, so don't think of me as your friend, Haskell.
Think of me as the man who's going to deliver your baby.
Oh, that's a head! That's a head! Holly! Oh, hi.
I'm right here, sweetie.
Listen, it might not be the best time to tell you this, but I can't do this.
- I can't handle it.
- Oh, sweetie.
- No, I understand.
- Oh, you do.
No! There's a baby coming out of me! Oh, there's a baby coming out of you! Ew, ew! I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
Now, man up and be my rock! Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Phil, go get some towels.
- Got it.
- Stuart, get over here.
Hold her hand.
Comfort her.
Okay, okay.
Take nice, deep breaths, sweetie.
I can do this.
I can do this.
Just like we learned in Lamaze, right? Oh, what happened? Welcome back, Admiral Lutz.
Um If anybody asks, I spilled water on my pants.
Haskell, get up here and support her back.
Okay, keep taking those breaths, Eden.
Okay.
Okay, you are doing great.
All right.
Now, just keep breathing, and give it a little bit of a push.
Nice and gentle.
Okay, we got a shoulder.
Oh, this is hideously beautiful.
Ah, okay-- uh, come on-- one more-- okay, here's another shoulder.
Aahhh! Stuart, throw me those patches.
I wanna be blind! It's so squishy and slimy.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
You did it.
You did it all.
It's a beautiful, healthy baby girl.
She's so soft.
You should be proud of yourself.
- You did a great job.
- I did? Yeah, baby and mother are in perfect condition.
Oh, I'm just a surrogate.
Her parents are meeting us at the hospital.
Point being, I'm single.
We did well, gentlemen.
Said the man with wet chinos.
Grant.
So when I said "Get them off the boat," you heard "Take them to my stateroom and squirt out a baby.
" You know, your dad would fire me on the spot.
See you Monday, Phil.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you earlier, Eden.
Aw, you were there when it mattered.
You did it.
Well, we did it.
She did it.
Yeah.
You made it here, little one.
I'm gonna miss you.
It's a wonderful thing you did, Eden.
Oh.
It's gonna be kinda weird giving her up.
- Yeah.
- But I already worked it out with mommy and daddy.
I'm gonna be your aunt.
The ambulance is ready.
Wait, uh, I never got my picture.
If Eden wants a picture, she's getting a picture.
I got a picture in my mind that's never gonna go away.
Can you take it? Thank you.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, everybody say, "Holly's a rock.
" Cheese! Close enough.