The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e12 Episode Script
Larry's Birthday
* Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you * * Happy birthday, Mr.
President * Mr.
President? Should i say "larry"? Yeah, why don't you Just say "larry"? Has anyone else Done this idea yet? Only jojo In the commissary.
Can i take some time To think about it, please? Ok.
Happy birthday, larry.
Uh, i just want to say That you above all Are the man, the myth, The legend-- The man who makes All things happen.
[Kiss noises.]
Easy.
Um What were you doing With that video camera A little earlier? Uh, the insurance people Wanted A visual inventory Of the office property.
Uh-huh.
Well, listen, You know, I know that everyone Wants to make my birthday Special and everything-- No, not this year, I promise.
Ok, good, because, you know, I-- my birthday's Depressing enough as it is, And i-- good intentions aside, I think it never Comes out right.
Fine.
Not this year.
Don't try to do Something special.
Not this year.
Good.
So you'll make sure.
Yes.
Fine.
Ok.
And let's not even Open the cards this year.
Fine.
Have there been many? Have they been coming in? Ok.
Good.
Never mind.
I really don't want to do-- Uh, nobody's even thinking About your birthday, larry.
Good.
Happy birthday, larry.
I really mean that.
What is your real age Anyway? 'Cause-- And while you're at it, Why don't you give me Your real weight? Because, uh-- Make it saucy.
Ouch.
For a 55-year-old guy, You look a little heavy.
Uh, but no, the main thing is That this is your special day, So enjoy.
[Sigh.]
you sounded Almost sincere.
Well, you can't fake Feelings like that.
What the hell's that? Who is that guy? That's, uh, Mike patterson, The guy that wrote Larry's stuff For the american Music awards.
That wasn't bad.
It sucked, man.
I wrote with him On the tonys in '88, Remember? He spent the whole time Kissing joel grey's ass.
Is this the right Placement, ed? Huh? This mic? Ok.
A little too delicate For larry.
Uh, artie, what's the deal With mike patterson? Mike patterson.
He's a very funny guy.
A lot of great ideas.
Larry and i think He'll make a delightful Addition to our staff.
I didn't know We were in the market For delightful additions To our staff.
The fact is larry's Wanted mike for ages, But he didn't want To move to l.
A.
What finally convinced him, The quality of our riots? As usual, i'd like To see more of that Humor on the page.
You know, artie, Phil and i have developed A certain kind of rhythm Working together.
As a bonus, i hear mike's A fun guy to have in the room.
Meaning what, He likes practical jokes? Sure.
You know, the old Thumbtack on the chair, Peanut butter in the wallet, Whatever the fuck you guys Are always giggling about In there.
Ed, let's test this mic Over here.
Ok, mashed potatoes, Mashed potatoes.
All right, you got it? All right, take a break.
Uh, you know, artie, i'm glad That we had this dialogue Because it's important That we all agree That mike's The right thing to do.
You know, there's A certain kind of rhythm That we have going-- A delicate balance, You'd say? A delicate balance.
Right.
Well, I'm so glad you're glad Because mike will be here In half an hour.
I mean, Think about it, man.
My option is up In a month, right? It's no coincidence They're bringing This guy in.
Your option's up In a month? Yeah.
When's your option up? In a week.
Right there.
[Knocking.]
Guys, i just wanted To make sure That neither of you Are giving larry The same present that i am.
A shetland pony? Hey, you're not smarting off To me again, are you? No.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I am giving larry this Beautiful gold bracelet.
You're not giving jewelry Of any kind, is that right? Sure you want to give Him this, hank? Yeah.
Why? It's beautiful.
I mean, i'd buy it for myself If i had the money.
It-- you know, it just Looks like something, I don't know, like Sammy davis, jr.
Would have worn.
Oh, thanks.
What are You guys getting him? Uh I'm getting him A 1957 mickey mantle Autographed baseball.
Oh, my-- That's perfect.
That's per-- ahh.
You win.
I mean, oh.
Larry loves baseball.
I thought we were going to Get him gag gifts this year.
Uh Uh, you guys know Any other baseball players Larry really, really likes? Did you guys hear me? Well, get back to me on it.
Fuck.
I bought larry Plastic vomit.
I should get him something Really good, shouldn't i? Only if it comes From the heart.
Guys, this is, uh, Mike patterson.
Hey.
Hey, how's it going? Phil.
Mike.
Hey.
Good to see you.
So what-- how do you Like it so far, mike? Oh, it's-- It's really great.
Good.
You know, where Do you guys park? Because i am parked by the american gladiators set, And, i mean, i'm pretty sure I parked in nitro's space.
You know, i just-- Not that it matters.
He'll probably just pick The car up and move it.
Come on.
Let me show you, uh, The rest of what i sadly Call my family.
Oh, sure.
Ok.
Uh, seriously, is there Any spots available? I'm sure one will be Opening up very soon.
Uh, ok, great.
See you.
Did you see that? Larry could hardly Even look at me.
I know, i saw it.
It wasn't my imagination? I don't think so.
Oh, shit! [Knocking.]
Well, how goes it, Birthday boy? Oh, geez, please, artie.
Oh, damn it, i'm so sorry.
Uh, sorry to remind you.
Important decision to make.
As you know, we can't afford To keep all of the writers Since we brought in The great mike patterson.
I know.
I know.
Larry, you can no longer Put this off.
So, do you want me To tell them? Well, look, Why don't we, uh, ahem-- Can we wait a while and see How they all work out together? Just want to throw them All in the cage together And see who survives? Uh, that would be up to you.
Ok.
Chip? Yeah.
I have no idea What to get larry.
Well, you know, he likes Electronic gadgets.
Right.
Thanks, baby.
Oh.
There you are.
There's a special delivery From o'malley's liquor.
Oh, wunderbar.
It's larry's birthday present.
Is he in? No, no.
You don't Have to worry about him.
He's showing mike around.
Arthur, Let me ask you something.
Why do you get larry the same Bottle of booze every year? My dear, i'd hardly Call cognac booze.
Louis xiii is much, More than cognac.
Oh, larry loves that stuff.
Well, after four sips, He fell asleep At the christmas party.
Exactly.
That's what larry Likes to do.
Sign right here, sir.
What the hell's this? Including A $5.
00 rush delivery, Uh, it's $32.
12.
Excuse me? $32.
12.
There's been a mistake.
I ordered louis xiii.
A fifth of grand orsage Is $27.
Grand orsage? Larry Doesn't drink that shit.
It's like hot piss.
I ordered louis xiii.
Ok, "they gave julio gallo A very nice funeral.
"The only problem was when it Was time to close the casket, Nobody could find the cork.
" Well, how about, uh, The eulogy was subtle But fruity? No, that's bad.
Phil.
Where are the six jokes That i wrote for this? I ordered that bottle Of cognac over a month ago.
Monday's too late.
I need it today.
Why not? Ha! Well, thank you, But that information Is absolutely useless.
Artie, can i talk To you for a second? Why not? Uh, i don't want To cross a line, But phil and i Are having A hard time Working with mike.
What's the problem? What isn't the problem? It's his first day.
Give it time.
Well, I know that, but, uh It's obvious the guy is not Going to work out, ok? And i know that phil's Option's up in a week, ok? And i don't think It's fair-- Jerry, We only brought mike in To take some pressure Off of you So your work Might be better.
I think our work is fine.
I'm talking about you, You work, jerry's work.
Excuse me.
Hey, roddy.
How's The beautiful valerie? Look, if larry had A problem with my work, Why didn't he say something, You know? Why the fuck do i have To hear this from you? [Coin clinks.]
God damn you.
[Audience applause.]
Look, Your behavior has been Consistently unprofessional.
You come in late, you take Naps in your office, You pick girls Out of the audience lineup And ask for their numbers.
And you have fucked At least three interns That i know about, One right out there Behind the fucking desk.
You have to be a genius To get away with That kind of stuff.
So-- You're not getting away With it, jer.
Wait a minute.
What the fuck is that Supposed to mean? You want me To spell it out for you? Yeah.
Our budget can't support One more writer.
Oh, my god, it's me.
That's right.
Don't sweat it, kiddo.
It's a good deal.
You're getting fired.
They have to pay you For a month.
[Director.]
Artie.
** [Theme playing.]
Don't come out here.
[hank.]
live on tape from hollywood, The larry sanders show.
tonight, join larry and his guests-- Great show, everyone.
This is going to be fine.
Just do it in black ink.
Hank.
Hmm.
Beautiful bracelet.
Oh, thanks.
You like it? Is that supposed to be For larry? No, no, no.
I just fell In love with this beauty, So i treated myself Because i deserve it.
But i got the perfect gift For larry, So if i were you, i'd get him Something very special.
Bye, hank.
Bye.
See you tomorrow.
No, i won't be in Tomorrow.
Friday, then.
Who wants to go To the smokehouse And get Fucking hammered? All right, i'm in.
Larry's birthday, right? Larry coming? Oh, no, no, no.
Look at this.
Oh, come on.
Who got him That exercise bike? That's the network's Gift to larry.
Oh, that is so unfair.
The network owns The company that makes those.
The cost to them Is nothing.
Do you know anything About baseball players? Uh, how's the lighting? I'm worried That the one spotlight Makes me look insane.
You know, uh, Jerry just got fired? Oh, my god.
No.
That's terrible.
Jerry? I thought He was doing a good job.
Is larry in one of His pissy moods? Oh, hank.
Yes? Could you just say, "Happy birthday"? Sure.
[Clears throat.]
You know, I'll never forget the Take over.
Take over.
Ok.
All right? And if i start to cry, You just keep it rolling.
[Inhales, exhales deeply.]
I'll never forget the night We had clint eastwood On the show.
Big star.
Walks out, sits down.
Doesn't shake my hand.
And i'll never forget this.
You know what larry did? He said, "clint, Do you know hank?" And do you know what That simple gesture did? It just made my day.
Happy birthday, buddy.
You get it? Yes.
Good.
Doesn't help When that's upside down.
I'm sorry, hank, But, you know, You didn't say, "Big, big star.
" Yes, i did.
I said, "big, big star.
" No, you said, "big star.
" Oh, well, We gotta take it again.
I'm sorry.
Beverly, we Oh.
The next thing i knew, I got on the wrong plane.
Hey, jerry.
How about that denny's bit I had? You know, larry walks into A denny's for a birthday meal.
[Chuckles.]
Boy, that sounds good, jer.
You know, i was actually In wendell's this morning Around 4:00 having breakfast.
Some guy offered To blow me for three bucks.
What'd you do? Jerry, what'd you do? I gave the guy three bucks.
He looked like he could use it.
But what did he do, jerry? Hey, is someone gonna take Our lunch order, or what? You know, i'll check.
Ok.
Thanks.
Jerry, what are you doing? Uh, working.
Well, listen, didn't you, Like, leave the show yesterday? Yeah, you know, Everyone gets weird, ok? Everything's cool.
Ok.
Yeah.
You're right.
Everything's cool.
Ok.
Hey, man, will you come Outside with me? Wanna work outside? Please.
Yeah.
Yeah, bring all your stuff.
All right.
Ok.
You sure? Yeah.
What do you think About the birthday thing? I think it's great.
That's good, 'cause you Thought it was funny before.
'Cause you know He only eats egg whites It's funny, though.
Let's take the stairs.
But you have No marks on your face.
You don't look like One of those fighters Who's been through the mill.
You're, if i may say, A very good-looking man.
[Laughter.]
What you Now, is that because You really didn't get-- You really didn't get hit In the face that much.
No.
Hold it.
So [Man.]
Hey, joe, what'd you get him For his birthday? [Joe.]
A book about dogs.
What the fuck? I heard that he likes dogs.
Where the fuck Did you hear that? I read it somewhere.
[Chuckles.]
How about you, jim? [Jim.]
I think i got him Something great, too.
[Larry.]
And is it out now? Coming out [Sugar ray.]
It will be out.
Roughly when? August-- Have they shot it yet? It's done.
It's a done deal.
But are you in the video? It's my video.
Ok, so i'm a little slow, All right? But what i'm saying is, Have you made the video yet? Have you been in the studio And done it? No, here's what i'm saying.
You say it's not out yet.
You know, Don't get me angry.
[Applause, laughter.]
This conversation is not unlike What it must be to fight you, 'Cause you feel like, You know You're surprising me, And i'm not that-- I'm doing the best i can.
But what i'm saying is, The video is not out In the stores yet, right? But have you Made the video? Let me walk you through this.
All right.
The video's done-- The video's done.
Yes.
All right.
But it's not out yet.
Yeah.
That's all.
I didn't hear you say it, And if you did, i apologize.
I didn't hear you Say it was done.
August.
Those are-- Those are sissy shoes.
What you get him Is a new tie.
You look at that thing? [arthur through earpiece.]
knock that shit off, you guys.
Sorry, artie.
listen, i picked that fucking goddamn tie out myself.
which one of you guys has got a problem with that? that's what i thought.
Now, there's another thing I wanna ask you.
And you know That when i touch you, It's not because You're good-looking.
Now, Are you doing something For nintendo as well? You're developing a game.
Is that right? I didn't produce that.
You what? I didn't produce that.
I'm in-- ok, What's coming out-- Electro brain has-- They put together This new game for nintendo Called legends of the ring, And they will feature me Along with thomas hearns And marvin hagler With all the great Middleweights.
Right.
And i was very honored To be a part of that group Of great champions.
So that should be out Hopefully by christmas.
Have you made that yet? [Laughing.]
Hello.
Yes.
No, it's louis xiii.
It's the same shit I buy every year.
No, cognac.
Cognac! Booze! Hooch! Huh? Oh, go fuck yourself.
Before i leave, I wanna say-- My son, jarrel, Is over there, And my nephew, j.
R.
, And they wanted me to say-- To wave to them.
[All.]
Surprise! Ohh Beverly, didn't i ask you-- I know.
But i surprised you, Didn't i? Oh, my god.
You did.
You totally surprised me.
Oh, you guys.
Ok, open this first.
What is it, Louis xiii? Oh, what would a birthday be Without some louis xiii? Thank you, artie.
Thank you very much.
[Darlene.]
It's from hank.
Yeah.
This is louis xiii.
This is $1,100 a bottle.
$75 a shot.
And this is the last bottle In the western u.
S.
You're goddamn right it is.
Hank, come here.
Here you go.
Oh, darlene, You shouldn't have.
You didn't need to-- Look at what she got.
How did you know? What is it? A calculator.
Because i know that You love-- gadgets.
Math.
I love math.
And gadgets.
Math and gadgets.
Thank you.
Thank you, darlene.
Wow.
Those are great.
That's one of those Virtual reality systems.
Oh, boy.
Oh, i feel like levar burton In roots: the next generation.
Well, i could go on.
Is that a better gadget Than a calculator? Oh, larry, hank has Something he'd like to say.
Uh, yeah, larry, I hope i made it clear That the cognac is from Both arthur and myself.
I just wanted To make that clear.
So you both pitched in? No, uh-- Hank, come here.
It's time to blow out The candles.
Thank you.
Oh, you got a cake.
Oh, no.
You shouldn't have done all Larry, before you Blow out the candles, Hank has something He'd like to say.
Yeah, artie and i Both pitched in on the cognac.
I just wanna make that Real clear.
Well, thank you again.
All right.
I'm gonna blow out the candles, And then we'll be done.
[Arthur.]
Francine! What a delight! Hey, what's going on? Whose birthday is it? Gosh, francine.
Didn't darlene call you? I thought you Were gonna call.
Oh, my god.
Who threw up? What is that? That's my gift to larry.
[Laughter.]
Hey, thanks.
Could you blow out the candles? The cake is heavy.
[Blowing.]
[Cheering.]
[Applause.]
This is the best party I've ever had.
You got a cake there? Larry, is this your little way Of letting me know That i've been fired? [Arthur.]
Hey, you don't Belong here, jerry.
[Jerry.]
Of saying that, what, We can all be friends? Well, fuck you, ok? Because a, I know i've been fired.
Artie told me.
And b, if you think I wanna celebrate That fact with you fucks, You're out of Your fucking mind, ok? Get the fuck outta here! Because i have Just enough integrity left To get the hell outta here And get on with my life With my much bigger And much better plans, ok? So you can just Take your little cake And you can shove it Right up your fucking ass! Put it in your ear! This is the best party I've ever had.
Come on.
[Larry.]
This is great.
Working out great.
I'm sorry.
You've had your say now.
No, no.
I'm sorry.
I feel very calm, All right? I'm letting go.
I feel, uh I feel at peace For the first time in my life.
I'd like to kiss you, man.
I'm watching you, Jerry.
All right.
It's all right, artie.
All right, jer.
I'm watching you, man.
Ok.
Come on now.
Come on.
Let's go to the smokehouse And get some drinks.
Uh, larry, Here you go.
It's from the new guy.
I got you a baseball.
See, it's autographed By hank aaron right there.
Mike, thanks-- Hey, what are you doing? [Clamoring.]
I was gonna give him A mickey mantle one! I got it in the car! I already got him A mickey mantle one! Come on.
Get outta here.
[Darlene crying.]
This is, uh Someone scared darlene.
Darlene, please.
Darlene got scared.
Uh, larry-- Someone take care of darlene.
Darlene She got upset.
I got a surprise for you In the office.
i'll never forget the night we had clint eastwood on the show.
oh, big star.
and clint comes out.
he sits down.
doesn't shake my hand.
oh, no.
and, uh, i'll never forget-- you know the first thing larry does? he says, "clint, you know hank?" you know what that simple gesture did? it made my day.
happy birthday, buddy.
happy birthday, larry sanders.
i remember right before i gave up stand-up, i was at catch a rising star, and i was bombing horribly.
and there was one guy in the back that was laughing, and it was you.
i don't know if you remember that, but it was cool.
you were the one that told me that i should take up writing.
and thanks for that.
i don't know.
It was cool.
i won't forget it.
i'm glad you were born.
happy birthday.
Where's jerry? [man.]
happy birthday, larry [Arthur.]
He's coming out of the building, Going into the parking lot.
[video continues.]
Aw, come on.
Let him go.
No.
Come on.
We're having A fucking party here.
Let him make a clean break.
I'm better than this.
I gotta talk to him.
Jerry! [Jerry.]
What? Get away from the car, man.
Fuck you.
Come on, larry.
Get-- He's picking up a rock.
Come on.
Get away from the window.
[Jerry.]
Happy birthday, asshole.
[Rock thuds.]
i'm sorry i can't be there with you in person.
but anyway, here's to 43 great more years.
you take care of yourself.
* happy birthday to you * * happy birthday to you * * happy birthday, dear larry * * happy birthday to you *
President * Mr.
President? Should i say "larry"? Yeah, why don't you Just say "larry"? Has anyone else Done this idea yet? Only jojo In the commissary.
Can i take some time To think about it, please? Ok.
Happy birthday, larry.
Uh, i just want to say That you above all Are the man, the myth, The legend-- The man who makes All things happen.
[Kiss noises.]
Easy.
Um What were you doing With that video camera A little earlier? Uh, the insurance people Wanted A visual inventory Of the office property.
Uh-huh.
Well, listen, You know, I know that everyone Wants to make my birthday Special and everything-- No, not this year, I promise.
Ok, good, because, you know, I-- my birthday's Depressing enough as it is, And i-- good intentions aside, I think it never Comes out right.
Fine.
Not this year.
Don't try to do Something special.
Not this year.
Good.
So you'll make sure.
Yes.
Fine.
Ok.
And let's not even Open the cards this year.
Fine.
Have there been many? Have they been coming in? Ok.
Good.
Never mind.
I really don't want to do-- Uh, nobody's even thinking About your birthday, larry.
Good.
Happy birthday, larry.
I really mean that.
What is your real age Anyway? 'Cause-- And while you're at it, Why don't you give me Your real weight? Because, uh-- Make it saucy.
Ouch.
For a 55-year-old guy, You look a little heavy.
Uh, but no, the main thing is That this is your special day, So enjoy.
[Sigh.]
you sounded Almost sincere.
Well, you can't fake Feelings like that.
What the hell's that? Who is that guy? That's, uh, Mike patterson, The guy that wrote Larry's stuff For the american Music awards.
That wasn't bad.
It sucked, man.
I wrote with him On the tonys in '88, Remember? He spent the whole time Kissing joel grey's ass.
Is this the right Placement, ed? Huh? This mic? Ok.
A little too delicate For larry.
Uh, artie, what's the deal With mike patterson? Mike patterson.
He's a very funny guy.
A lot of great ideas.
Larry and i think He'll make a delightful Addition to our staff.
I didn't know We were in the market For delightful additions To our staff.
The fact is larry's Wanted mike for ages, But he didn't want To move to l.
A.
What finally convinced him, The quality of our riots? As usual, i'd like To see more of that Humor on the page.
You know, artie, Phil and i have developed A certain kind of rhythm Working together.
As a bonus, i hear mike's A fun guy to have in the room.
Meaning what, He likes practical jokes? Sure.
You know, the old Thumbtack on the chair, Peanut butter in the wallet, Whatever the fuck you guys Are always giggling about In there.
Ed, let's test this mic Over here.
Ok, mashed potatoes, Mashed potatoes.
All right, you got it? All right, take a break.
Uh, you know, artie, i'm glad That we had this dialogue Because it's important That we all agree That mike's The right thing to do.
You know, there's A certain kind of rhythm That we have going-- A delicate balance, You'd say? A delicate balance.
Right.
Well, I'm so glad you're glad Because mike will be here In half an hour.
I mean, Think about it, man.
My option is up In a month, right? It's no coincidence They're bringing This guy in.
Your option's up In a month? Yeah.
When's your option up? In a week.
Right there.
[Knocking.]
Guys, i just wanted To make sure That neither of you Are giving larry The same present that i am.
A shetland pony? Hey, you're not smarting off To me again, are you? No.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I am giving larry this Beautiful gold bracelet.
You're not giving jewelry Of any kind, is that right? Sure you want to give Him this, hank? Yeah.
Why? It's beautiful.
I mean, i'd buy it for myself If i had the money.
It-- you know, it just Looks like something, I don't know, like Sammy davis, jr.
Would have worn.
Oh, thanks.
What are You guys getting him? Uh I'm getting him A 1957 mickey mantle Autographed baseball.
Oh, my-- That's perfect.
That's per-- ahh.
You win.
I mean, oh.
Larry loves baseball.
I thought we were going to Get him gag gifts this year.
Uh Uh, you guys know Any other baseball players Larry really, really likes? Did you guys hear me? Well, get back to me on it.
Fuck.
I bought larry Plastic vomit.
I should get him something Really good, shouldn't i? Only if it comes From the heart.
Guys, this is, uh, Mike patterson.
Hey.
Hey, how's it going? Phil.
Mike.
Hey.
Good to see you.
So what-- how do you Like it so far, mike? Oh, it's-- It's really great.
Good.
You know, where Do you guys park? Because i am parked by the american gladiators set, And, i mean, i'm pretty sure I parked in nitro's space.
You know, i just-- Not that it matters.
He'll probably just pick The car up and move it.
Come on.
Let me show you, uh, The rest of what i sadly Call my family.
Oh, sure.
Ok.
Uh, seriously, is there Any spots available? I'm sure one will be Opening up very soon.
Uh, ok, great.
See you.
Did you see that? Larry could hardly Even look at me.
I know, i saw it.
It wasn't my imagination? I don't think so.
Oh, shit! [Knocking.]
Well, how goes it, Birthday boy? Oh, geez, please, artie.
Oh, damn it, i'm so sorry.
Uh, sorry to remind you.
Important decision to make.
As you know, we can't afford To keep all of the writers Since we brought in The great mike patterson.
I know.
I know.
Larry, you can no longer Put this off.
So, do you want me To tell them? Well, look, Why don't we, uh, ahem-- Can we wait a while and see How they all work out together? Just want to throw them All in the cage together And see who survives? Uh, that would be up to you.
Ok.
Chip? Yeah.
I have no idea What to get larry.
Well, you know, he likes Electronic gadgets.
Right.
Thanks, baby.
Oh.
There you are.
There's a special delivery From o'malley's liquor.
Oh, wunderbar.
It's larry's birthday present.
Is he in? No, no.
You don't Have to worry about him.
He's showing mike around.
Arthur, Let me ask you something.
Why do you get larry the same Bottle of booze every year? My dear, i'd hardly Call cognac booze.
Louis xiii is much, More than cognac.
Oh, larry loves that stuff.
Well, after four sips, He fell asleep At the christmas party.
Exactly.
That's what larry Likes to do.
Sign right here, sir.
What the hell's this? Including A $5.
00 rush delivery, Uh, it's $32.
12.
Excuse me? $32.
12.
There's been a mistake.
I ordered louis xiii.
A fifth of grand orsage Is $27.
Grand orsage? Larry Doesn't drink that shit.
It's like hot piss.
I ordered louis xiii.
Ok, "they gave julio gallo A very nice funeral.
"The only problem was when it Was time to close the casket, Nobody could find the cork.
" Well, how about, uh, The eulogy was subtle But fruity? No, that's bad.
Phil.
Where are the six jokes That i wrote for this? I ordered that bottle Of cognac over a month ago.
Monday's too late.
I need it today.
Why not? Ha! Well, thank you, But that information Is absolutely useless.
Artie, can i talk To you for a second? Why not? Uh, i don't want To cross a line, But phil and i Are having A hard time Working with mike.
What's the problem? What isn't the problem? It's his first day.
Give it time.
Well, I know that, but, uh It's obvious the guy is not Going to work out, ok? And i know that phil's Option's up in a week, ok? And i don't think It's fair-- Jerry, We only brought mike in To take some pressure Off of you So your work Might be better.
I think our work is fine.
I'm talking about you, You work, jerry's work.
Excuse me.
Hey, roddy.
How's The beautiful valerie? Look, if larry had A problem with my work, Why didn't he say something, You know? Why the fuck do i have To hear this from you? [Coin clinks.]
God damn you.
[Audience applause.]
Look, Your behavior has been Consistently unprofessional.
You come in late, you take Naps in your office, You pick girls Out of the audience lineup And ask for their numbers.
And you have fucked At least three interns That i know about, One right out there Behind the fucking desk.
You have to be a genius To get away with That kind of stuff.
So-- You're not getting away With it, jer.
Wait a minute.
What the fuck is that Supposed to mean? You want me To spell it out for you? Yeah.
Our budget can't support One more writer.
Oh, my god, it's me.
That's right.
Don't sweat it, kiddo.
It's a good deal.
You're getting fired.
They have to pay you For a month.
[Director.]
Artie.
** [Theme playing.]
Don't come out here.
[hank.]
live on tape from hollywood, The larry sanders show.
tonight, join larry and his guests-- Great show, everyone.
This is going to be fine.
Just do it in black ink.
Hank.
Hmm.
Beautiful bracelet.
Oh, thanks.
You like it? Is that supposed to be For larry? No, no, no.
I just fell In love with this beauty, So i treated myself Because i deserve it.
But i got the perfect gift For larry, So if i were you, i'd get him Something very special.
Bye, hank.
Bye.
See you tomorrow.
No, i won't be in Tomorrow.
Friday, then.
Who wants to go To the smokehouse And get Fucking hammered? All right, i'm in.
Larry's birthday, right? Larry coming? Oh, no, no, no.
Look at this.
Oh, come on.
Who got him That exercise bike? That's the network's Gift to larry.
Oh, that is so unfair.
The network owns The company that makes those.
The cost to them Is nothing.
Do you know anything About baseball players? Uh, how's the lighting? I'm worried That the one spotlight Makes me look insane.
You know, uh, Jerry just got fired? Oh, my god.
No.
That's terrible.
Jerry? I thought He was doing a good job.
Is larry in one of His pissy moods? Oh, hank.
Yes? Could you just say, "Happy birthday"? Sure.
[Clears throat.]
You know, I'll never forget the Take over.
Take over.
Ok.
All right? And if i start to cry, You just keep it rolling.
[Inhales, exhales deeply.]
I'll never forget the night We had clint eastwood On the show.
Big star.
Walks out, sits down.
Doesn't shake my hand.
And i'll never forget this.
You know what larry did? He said, "clint, Do you know hank?" And do you know what That simple gesture did? It just made my day.
Happy birthday, buddy.
You get it? Yes.
Good.
Doesn't help When that's upside down.
I'm sorry, hank, But, you know, You didn't say, "Big, big star.
" Yes, i did.
I said, "big, big star.
" No, you said, "big star.
" Oh, well, We gotta take it again.
I'm sorry.
Beverly, we Oh.
The next thing i knew, I got on the wrong plane.
Hey, jerry.
How about that denny's bit I had? You know, larry walks into A denny's for a birthday meal.
[Chuckles.]
Boy, that sounds good, jer.
You know, i was actually In wendell's this morning Around 4:00 having breakfast.
Some guy offered To blow me for three bucks.
What'd you do? Jerry, what'd you do? I gave the guy three bucks.
He looked like he could use it.
But what did he do, jerry? Hey, is someone gonna take Our lunch order, or what? You know, i'll check.
Ok.
Thanks.
Jerry, what are you doing? Uh, working.
Well, listen, didn't you, Like, leave the show yesterday? Yeah, you know, Everyone gets weird, ok? Everything's cool.
Ok.
Yeah.
You're right.
Everything's cool.
Ok.
Hey, man, will you come Outside with me? Wanna work outside? Please.
Yeah.
Yeah, bring all your stuff.
All right.
Ok.
You sure? Yeah.
What do you think About the birthday thing? I think it's great.
That's good, 'cause you Thought it was funny before.
'Cause you know He only eats egg whites It's funny, though.
Let's take the stairs.
But you have No marks on your face.
You don't look like One of those fighters Who's been through the mill.
You're, if i may say, A very good-looking man.
[Laughter.]
What you Now, is that because You really didn't get-- You really didn't get hit In the face that much.
No.
Hold it.
So [Man.]
Hey, joe, what'd you get him For his birthday? [Joe.]
A book about dogs.
What the fuck? I heard that he likes dogs.
Where the fuck Did you hear that? I read it somewhere.
[Chuckles.]
How about you, jim? [Jim.]
I think i got him Something great, too.
[Larry.]
And is it out now? Coming out [Sugar ray.]
It will be out.
Roughly when? August-- Have they shot it yet? It's done.
It's a done deal.
But are you in the video? It's my video.
Ok, so i'm a little slow, All right? But what i'm saying is, Have you made the video yet? Have you been in the studio And done it? No, here's what i'm saying.
You say it's not out yet.
You know, Don't get me angry.
[Applause, laughter.]
This conversation is not unlike What it must be to fight you, 'Cause you feel like, You know You're surprising me, And i'm not that-- I'm doing the best i can.
But what i'm saying is, The video is not out In the stores yet, right? But have you Made the video? Let me walk you through this.
All right.
The video's done-- The video's done.
Yes.
All right.
But it's not out yet.
Yeah.
That's all.
I didn't hear you say it, And if you did, i apologize.
I didn't hear you Say it was done.
August.
Those are-- Those are sissy shoes.
What you get him Is a new tie.
You look at that thing? [arthur through earpiece.]
knock that shit off, you guys.
Sorry, artie.
listen, i picked that fucking goddamn tie out myself.
which one of you guys has got a problem with that? that's what i thought.
Now, there's another thing I wanna ask you.
And you know That when i touch you, It's not because You're good-looking.
Now, Are you doing something For nintendo as well? You're developing a game.
Is that right? I didn't produce that.
You what? I didn't produce that.
I'm in-- ok, What's coming out-- Electro brain has-- They put together This new game for nintendo Called legends of the ring, And they will feature me Along with thomas hearns And marvin hagler With all the great Middleweights.
Right.
And i was very honored To be a part of that group Of great champions.
So that should be out Hopefully by christmas.
Have you made that yet? [Laughing.]
Hello.
Yes.
No, it's louis xiii.
It's the same shit I buy every year.
No, cognac.
Cognac! Booze! Hooch! Huh? Oh, go fuck yourself.
Before i leave, I wanna say-- My son, jarrel, Is over there, And my nephew, j.
R.
, And they wanted me to say-- To wave to them.
[All.]
Surprise! Ohh Beverly, didn't i ask you-- I know.
But i surprised you, Didn't i? Oh, my god.
You did.
You totally surprised me.
Oh, you guys.
Ok, open this first.
What is it, Louis xiii? Oh, what would a birthday be Without some louis xiii? Thank you, artie.
Thank you very much.
[Darlene.]
It's from hank.
Yeah.
This is louis xiii.
This is $1,100 a bottle.
$75 a shot.
And this is the last bottle In the western u.
S.
You're goddamn right it is.
Hank, come here.
Here you go.
Oh, darlene, You shouldn't have.
You didn't need to-- Look at what she got.
How did you know? What is it? A calculator.
Because i know that You love-- gadgets.
Math.
I love math.
And gadgets.
Math and gadgets.
Thank you.
Thank you, darlene.
Wow.
Those are great.
That's one of those Virtual reality systems.
Oh, boy.
Oh, i feel like levar burton In roots: the next generation.
Well, i could go on.
Is that a better gadget Than a calculator? Oh, larry, hank has Something he'd like to say.
Uh, yeah, larry, I hope i made it clear That the cognac is from Both arthur and myself.
I just wanted To make that clear.
So you both pitched in? No, uh-- Hank, come here.
It's time to blow out The candles.
Thank you.
Oh, you got a cake.
Oh, no.
You shouldn't have done all Larry, before you Blow out the candles, Hank has something He'd like to say.
Yeah, artie and i Both pitched in on the cognac.
I just wanna make that Real clear.
Well, thank you again.
All right.
I'm gonna blow out the candles, And then we'll be done.
[Arthur.]
Francine! What a delight! Hey, what's going on? Whose birthday is it? Gosh, francine.
Didn't darlene call you? I thought you Were gonna call.
Oh, my god.
Who threw up? What is that? That's my gift to larry.
[Laughter.]
Hey, thanks.
Could you blow out the candles? The cake is heavy.
[Blowing.]
[Cheering.]
[Applause.]
This is the best party I've ever had.
You got a cake there? Larry, is this your little way Of letting me know That i've been fired? [Arthur.]
Hey, you don't Belong here, jerry.
[Jerry.]
Of saying that, what, We can all be friends? Well, fuck you, ok? Because a, I know i've been fired.
Artie told me.
And b, if you think I wanna celebrate That fact with you fucks, You're out of Your fucking mind, ok? Get the fuck outta here! Because i have Just enough integrity left To get the hell outta here And get on with my life With my much bigger And much better plans, ok? So you can just Take your little cake And you can shove it Right up your fucking ass! Put it in your ear! This is the best party I've ever had.
Come on.
[Larry.]
This is great.
Working out great.
I'm sorry.
You've had your say now.
No, no.
I'm sorry.
I feel very calm, All right? I'm letting go.
I feel, uh I feel at peace For the first time in my life.
I'd like to kiss you, man.
I'm watching you, Jerry.
All right.
It's all right, artie.
All right, jer.
I'm watching you, man.
Ok.
Come on now.
Come on.
Let's go to the smokehouse And get some drinks.
Uh, larry, Here you go.
It's from the new guy.
I got you a baseball.
See, it's autographed By hank aaron right there.
Mike, thanks-- Hey, what are you doing? [Clamoring.]
I was gonna give him A mickey mantle one! I got it in the car! I already got him A mickey mantle one! Come on.
Get outta here.
[Darlene crying.]
This is, uh Someone scared darlene.
Darlene, please.
Darlene got scared.
Uh, larry-- Someone take care of darlene.
Darlene She got upset.
I got a surprise for you In the office.
i'll never forget the night we had clint eastwood on the show.
oh, big star.
and clint comes out.
he sits down.
doesn't shake my hand.
oh, no.
and, uh, i'll never forget-- you know the first thing larry does? he says, "clint, you know hank?" you know what that simple gesture did? it made my day.
happy birthday, buddy.
happy birthday, larry sanders.
i remember right before i gave up stand-up, i was at catch a rising star, and i was bombing horribly.
and there was one guy in the back that was laughing, and it was you.
i don't know if you remember that, but it was cool.
you were the one that told me that i should take up writing.
and thanks for that.
i don't know.
It was cool.
i won't forget it.
i'm glad you were born.
happy birthday.
Where's jerry? [man.]
happy birthday, larry [Arthur.]
He's coming out of the building, Going into the parking lot.
[video continues.]
Aw, come on.
Let him go.
No.
Come on.
We're having A fucking party here.
Let him make a clean break.
I'm better than this.
I gotta talk to him.
Jerry! [Jerry.]
What? Get away from the car, man.
Fuck you.
Come on, larry.
Get-- He's picking up a rock.
Come on.
Get away from the window.
[Jerry.]
Happy birthday, asshole.
[Rock thuds.]
i'm sorry i can't be there with you in person.
but anyway, here's to 43 great more years.
you take care of yourself.
* happy birthday to you * * happy birthday to you * * happy birthday, dear larry * * happy birthday to you *