The Office (US) s02e12 Episode Script

Well, Lords of the Ring trilogy, if you see it back to back, Yeah.
it's really long, but it's good.
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Pam, it's Michael.
Help me.
I need help right now! Michael, what's wrong? I'm hurt.
I have hurt myself.
(GROANING) Oh, my God! Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait! Oh, this is not looking good, Pam.
Michael, do you need me to call an ambulance? No! I want you to pick me up.
Okay.
What's going on? Wait a sec.
I thought you said that you were hurt.
I am hurt.
I hurt my foot.
I'm sorry.
Pam, what is going on? I want to come to work, but I need you to come and pick me up.
(ON SPEAKER PHONE) Oh, God! Hey, whoa, Michael.
Oh, God! It's Okay.
It's Jim.
Just say again really loudly what happened.
Okay, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman grill and I now need someone to come and bring me in to work.
You burned your foot on a Foreman grill? I enjoy having breakfast in bed.
I like waking up to the smell of bacon.
Sue me.
And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself.
So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill.
Then go to sleep.
When I wake up, I plug in the grill.
I go back to sleep again.
Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon.
It is delicious.
It's good for me.
It's a perfect way to start the day.
Today, I got up, I stepped onto the grill, and it clamped down on my foot.
That's it.
I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.
MICHAEL: Pam, could you come get me? (HESITATING) I have to stay here and answer the phone.
Okay, could someone come and get me, please? Ryan? Michael, you should stay home and rest.
There's no toilet paper here.
Could Ryan Tell Ryan to bring toilet paper.
Could you tell him that? Can you hop? I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall, and now my elbow has a protuberance.
No one wants to pick me up? DWIGHT: What is going on? What is going on? Michael is sick and he wants one of us to rescue him.
I'm not sick! I'm I'm coming, Michael! I'm gonna save you! Don't! Is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight.
Okay! Hold on, Michael, I am coming! Wait there! I don't want Dwight! Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend? I don't have a girlfriend.
But you said you went out with her this weekend.
That was all made up.
Just someone come, okay? Anyone.
Anyone, but Dwight.
(CRASHING) What was that? What was that? (PAM AND JIM EXCLAIMING) JIM: He hit the pole.
It's broken, right? He can't Oh, my gosh.
Oh, Dwight.
Dwight.
(PAM AND JIM EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh.
Is he okay? He's still driving.
JIM: Dwight, you forgot your bumper.
MICHAEL: Hello? Please don't send Dwight.
Morning, everyone.
Don't freak out.
I forbid anybody to freak out.
Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover.
God willing.
I just want to be treated normally today.
Normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through.
You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate.
Oh, did you explain why? No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot.
Burned my foot, Pam.
Please stop popping my cast.
Thank you.
So where are you shipping your foot? (LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY) So, where are you shipping Your foot.
MICHAEL: Thank you.
Pam, messages, please.
You didn't have any.
Really? Well, it seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and Do my job? No.
Your job is being my friend, Pam.
Ow! God! It slipped.
What Sorry.
It's just that before, you said you didn't want any special treatment.
I don't want any special treatment, Pam.
I just want you to treat me like you would a family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma.
I don't think that's too much to ask.
Do you want some aspirin? Because you seem a little fussy.
No, I don't want some aspirin.
Yeah, I am fussy.
Aspirin's not gonna do a damn thing.
I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot.
Pam, I am Assistant Regional Manager and I can take care of him.
Part of my duties are to (MICHAEL SIGHING) What? Part of your duties are to what? What? You just said that part of your duties are to Something.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? Where is my corn bread? Here you go.
Thank you.
Did you get all dark meat like I like? Yes, I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat.
Where are the yams? They were out of yams.
I got you creamed spinach.
Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg? Yes.
And they had no yams? They had no yams.
How strange.
Because they always have yams.
Oh, man, is that a Prism DuroSport? You've seen one of these? Yeah.
They're like an iPod, only they're better, because they're chunkier and more solid.
Roy gave it to me for Christmas.
I'm trying to figure out how to put songs on it.
Oh, no, no.
Don't go there.
I know this Russian website where you can download songs for two cents apiece.
Really? Yeah, I'll write down the address for you.
Only, the only thing is, is that all the songs are in Russian.
Kidding.
Oh.
Why would they all be Okay, see you later, Pan.
Pan? Pam.
Pam? (SIGHING) Oh, God.
(PHONE RINGING) What? Come here, please.
Tell me before I come there.
I want you to rub butter on my foot.
No.
Pam, please? I have Country Crock.
No.
Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! These covers are totally indestructible.
Really? Yeah.
Throw it.
I promise it won't break.
Chuck it.
Oh, no.
It's broken.
What? No, it's fine.
I told you it wouldn't break.
You could throw it all day long.
That is so cool.
Thanks, Dwight.
You're welcome.
So, I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now.
Oh, God, no.
Dwight isn't my friend.
Oh, my God.
Dwight's kind of my friend.
No, no.
No one is helping me out at all, Mom.
No, I'm not gonna call Jan.
She'd just worry, drive down here and make a big thing.
Who told you that? No, it was mutual.
What is Pam doing chatting with you? You like candy? It's all right.
'Cause you're sweeter than candy.
What is wrong with you? Wow, you just dive right in.
You know, around age 12, I just started going for it, you know.
(THUDDING) MICHAEL: Help! (MICHAEL GROANING) Oh, God! Oh, help! Help me.
What happened? I fell off the toilet.
I'm caught between the toilet and the wall.
What do you need? Not you.
Someone else.
Get Pam.
I don't think Pam's gonna wanna come in to the men's room.
Get Ryan.
He needs to lift me, and he needs to clean me up a little bit.
Bring a wet towel.
Ryan is dead.
No, he's not.
Dead.
I just saw him.
No.
Can you just get up yourself? You only grilled your foot.
Forget it.
I'll just get up myself.
(MICHAEL GROANING) (CRASHING) Help! (GROANING) Oh, God! Do you think Dwight's being a little weird today? No.
He's actually been really nice and helpful.
And that isn't weird? Well Can I have everyone's attention, please? Phyllis.
Oscar.
Ryan, who is supposed to be dead.
Can I ask you all a question? Do you know what it's like to be disabled? Oscar? I had scoliosis as a girl.
Never heard of it.
No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble.
When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung.
How old are you? No, it Look, the point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability.
Although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles.
I'm not disabled, and neither are you.
Okay.
What does this look like to you, Stanley? Mail Boxes Etc.
Shut it.
Okay.
Well.
Well, you know what? Disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about.
You people are jerks.
Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.
Oh, we wouldn't.
We love Stevie Wonder.
(SIGHING) I burned my foot! Okay, 20 minutes, conference room, everybody's in there! Dad? While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive, I wanted you all to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society.
JIM: Quick question.
Yeah.
Why is Tom Hanks on the wall? Twice.
Good question.
Forrest Gump, mentally challenged.
Philadelphia, AIDS.
I think that's from Big.
I don't think so.
No.
Yeah, he's dancing on a piano with Robert Loggia.
He grew into a man overnight, rare disability.
Still works.
(SIGHING) A crossword puzzle, Stanley? Seriously, are you learning nothing here? Mmm-hmm.
What do you mean, "Mmm-hmm"? I mean I'm learning nothing.
Okay.
Michael Scott.
I'm looking for Michael Scott.
Yes.
Right in here.
Good.
Come on in.
Great.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is our special guest.
Sorry I'm late.
Somebody parked in the handicapped parking space.
Hey, everyone, I'm Billy Merchant.
You may have seen me around here before.
I'm the Properties Manager of this office park.
You are so brave.
You are so brave.
Thank you.
Actually, I've been meaning to come by here for a long time But it's hard for you, right? Because you're in a wheelchair.
No, I just have a lot of properties to manage.
Let me ask you something.
How long does it take for you to do something simple every day? Like brush your teeth in the morning.
I don't know, like 30 seconds.
Oh, my God.
That's three times as long as it takes me.
How did you get in your wheelchair? This morning? Just like every other morning, just climbed on in.
(ALL LAUGHING) Hey, hey, hey, hey! Not funny.
Not funny.
Hey, hey, relax.
Just joking around here.
Well, that's good.
He still has a sense of humor.
Listen, I've actually used a chair since I was four years old.
I don't really notice it anymore.
Well, they do.
They notice it, don't you? You notice it.
It's the first thing you saw when he rolled in here, isn't it? I wanna clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill.
So, there were just a couple things I wanted to remind everybody of.
Okay.
First is parking.
You can't block the freight entrance with your car even if your blinkers are on.
Does anybody have any questions? Yes.
Yeah.
Yes.
Dwight, you have your hand up.
Ignore him.
You know what? We're not that different, you and I.
When I clamped my foot into a non-stick grill You know what, Michael? Yeah.
Let me stop you right there.
Okay.
And leave.
Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy.
What's wrong with that guy? You mean today? He stepped on a George Foreman grill and he burned his foot.
No, not Michael.
The moon-faced kid who crashed into the pole.
He looks like he has a concussion.
(MICHAEL POPPING BUBBLE WRAP) Hey.
I found the pudding cups you wanted at a gas station in Carbondale! You did it.
Look at you.
And with the plate and the napkin.
Very nice.
Thank you, Ryan.
You are very welcome.
Did you get the yams? No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams.
(SIGHING) Oh, okay.
I'll just have the pudding.
You sure? Yeah.
Okay.
You know what? I feel better.
Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot.
Yeah, baby! I am feeling better.
My body's literally healing itself.
It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain.
RYAN: I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michael's pudding.
I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine.
Oh, finally feel the blood coursing through my foot veins.
(EXCLAIMING) Okay, I think we need to take him to the hospital DWIGHT: No, no, no.
'cause I'm pretty sure he has a concussion.
Oh, now you feel some compassion for him.
He needs to go right now, and you're his emergency contact.
I think you should go with him.
Why don't you go with him? I barely know him.
I want Michael to take me.
I can't take you.
I don't have my car, and yours is all vomitty.
You can take my van.
Oh, okay.
That's great.
No, I can't drive.
Jim, why don't you drive? Fine.
We'll go.
I'm still recovering, so let's just Ryan, can you get my coat, please? Slowly, slowly.
Okay, let's just get to the elevator.
(DWIGHT IMITATING HELICOPTER) What are you doing? Vietnam sounds.
Stop it.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Tired.
Dwight, you can't lay down.
Let's take a break.
Wake up.
(GROANING) Wait, here, let me help you, Dwight.
Come on.
Okay, Pam.
Thanks.
Get up.
Get up.
You're the best.
JIM: Just keep him awake.
It smells like chicken soup.
I know.
I have to go to the hospital.
I know.
Where are we going? I just wanna say goodbye, okay? Well, I'll be back, I mean Yes, I know, but it's gonna be different.
Why? It's just hard to explain.
Oh, Pam, you're adorable.
Oh, my goodness.
Come here.
Huggy-hugs.
Shotgun! You don't think you should sit in the back with Dwight? The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear.
The first person to shout "shotgun" when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat.
That's how the game is played.
There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.
Oh, God, a minivan.
What is Meredith's problem? Well, I think she has a kid.
Yeah, she has one kid and no husband.
She's not gonna find one driving this thing around.
Where are we going? Come on, get inside.
Where are we going? We're going to Chuck E.
Cheese.
Chuck E.
Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E.
Cheese.
We're going to the hospital, Michael.
I know.
I'm just saying.
Dwight, what are you drinking? I found it under the seat.
Oh, my God.
Dwight, put that down.
I'm thirsty.
No! Give the bottle to Michael.
No! Give the bottle to Michael.
Give it to me, Dwight.
Just keep your eyes on the road.
Give me the bottle or you're fired! You can't fire me.
I don't work in this van.
Give it to me, Dwight.
No.
Give me the bottle! Will you stop? Give me the bottle, Dwight! Michael, stop! Just give it.
Michael, stop! Stop.
Stop it! Stop spraying me! Give me the bottle! My eyes! Stop spraying me! Give me the bottle! Dwight, what is your middle name? Danger.
Something with a "K.
" It's Kurt.
Wow, I'm so sad that I know that.
What do I write under "reason for visit"? Concussion.
JIM: What did you write? (CLEARS THROAT) Nothing.
I wrote, "Bringing someone to the hospital.
" So you thought they meant your reason for coming to the hospital? No, no.
You know what, Jim? This isn't about me anymore.
I made a miraculous recovery, which is more than I can say for him.
Come on, Dwight.
(SPUTTERING) Hi, Michael.
Hi, Dwight.
(MOANING) Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury? A head injury.
Well, you don't have all the information.
The foot has been fairly severely burned, and healed quickly, very quickly.
Actually, like, suspiciously quickly.
So I'm ordering a CAT scan.
DWIGHT: What is that? Look, since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot in? We can take a look.
Well, for a burn, you really just need to look at the outside of the foot.
Okay, what kind of machine is that? Does the skin look red and swollen? That's what she said.
That's my joke.
Damn it, Dwight.
Okay, no electronics past this point.
Camera, sound equipment It's okay, they're with me.
No metal of any kind.
All right, well, I guess this is where we leave you off.
I don't wanna do this.
You should have thought of that before you crashed your head on your way to pick me up.
So, we'll see you when you get out.
Oh.
Fine.
Fine.
(BEEPS) (INAUDIBLE) (PHONE RINGING) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Dunder Mifflin, this is Jim.
Oh, my God.
What's going on? Is Dwight okay? He should be fine, but they brought him in for a CAT scan.
I can't believe he's getting a CAT scan.
Michael went in there with him, too.
It's pretty sweet.
Really? Michael went in with him? Mmm-hmm.
Wow.
But they shouldn't be much longer now.
So we'll be back soon.
Okay, that's good news.
Yeah, no, I'll let you go.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, Oscar.
What's up, Pam? I just wanted to let you know that Dwight's gonna be okay.
The doctor said there's a really simple treatment for a concussion.
So he'll probably even be back at work tomorrow.
Okay.
I just thought you'd wanna know that.
Okay, Mr.
Schrute, inhale with me on three.
One, two Sir! Stop that.
Stop.
Stop that.