The Real O'Neals (2016) s02e12 Episode Script

1 Jimmy: [Singsong voice.]
Hey, Kenny.
Hey, Kenny.
It's me.
[Laughs.]
So, um [Clears throat.]
So, every year, I ask you to go to Chicago Comic Con with me, and every year, you say: [nasally.]
"Do you even know me?" So, before you say that, I want to show you what I got you.
A Grizabella costume from Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats"? A Wolverine costume.
Hey, this is my last year at home before I go away to college.
So please let me expose you to the wonders of Comic Con.
I-I promise you will love it.
I know I will.
I went with Brett yesterday.
We had an amazing time.
Great.
Great.
Uh yeah.
There's three momentous firsts in a boy's life Comic Con, drinking, and sex.
As your big brother, I was prepared to teach you about all of those things.
You know what? But at least there's still drinking [clicks tongue.]
and sex.
Mm, I think the way I do it might be different from the way you do it.
We don't know.
I haven't done it yet.
All right.
Back to the drinking.
Brett and I are going to a college party next weekend, so I was wondering do you think you could get me some [whispering.]
booze? Yeah! I I had a fake I.
D.
made for this very occasion.
[Chuckling.]
Oh.
Jimmy, that's Angela Merkel.
Well, whoever he is, he's about to get turnt with his brother! This is gonna be amazing.
We're gonna have some drinks, some laughs, maybe even Nutflix and chill.
Is that a drinking thing? What's Nutflix? Nutflix! Aah! Hey.
You want a slice? It's Hawaiian.
Your mom and I and VP Murray are on our way to dinner.
- So wrap one in a paper towel? - That's my boy.
The three of you are going on a date? Yep.
It's throuples night.
Mm, please don't tell me that involves you putting your keys in a bowl? Well, don't forget I'm staying at my friend Sarah's tonight.
- Sarah? - Yeah Sarah Caplan.
We were in Girl Scouts together.
Her dad's a pharmacist.
She had a back brace in the third grade.
Right.
Yeah, yeah Sarah.
Nice girl.
Okay.
Well, call us in the morning when you're ready for us to pick you up.
[Door closes.]
You don't have a friend named Sarah with a back brace.
True.
But Mom and Dad don't know that.
And they're too embarrassed to admit they forgot one of my friends, especially one with a medical condition.
The trick is to speak with confidence and use specific details.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
If you don't have a sleepover, where are you going? As soon as Mom and Dad leave, I'm checking into the Dylan Alexander downtown.
The hotel's comping me a free room in exchange for a review on my blog.
Shannon's hotel room would be a perfect place for us to drink.
Sorry.
I'm not entertaining guests at this time.
Oh, yeah? Well, what if we tell the hotel about your little scam? [Sighs.]
Fine.
You guys can come.
But when we're there, I'm a 40-year-old divorcée with a mean case of menstrual explosive disorder.
I promise you no one will ask any follow-up questions.
- Can I ask one? - Please don't.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, you guys have got to try this chicken Parm.
It is off the chain.
- Mmm! - You got to have some, too, pal.
- Mm-mmm.
- Yup? Oh, yeah.
Mm.
Oh! - Right? - Oh, yes! You should have got a boyfriend years ago.
Believe me, I thought about it.
[Both laugh.]
Hi, Eileen.
Pat.
Bland-looking man I don't know.
Oh, I'm Eileen's gentleman friend, Clive Murray Esquire is a magazine I read.
Hello, Sheila DeMars.
She's my Episcopalian archnemesis.
She can hear you.
That's okay.
She's my Catholic Lex Luthor.
That's a nice blazer.
Where'd you get it? Nordstrom anniversary sale, 30% off.
And you? Nordstrom rack clearance, 70% off.
Yours touched more bodies than mine.
I win.
And you guys are here on a date? [Chuckling.]
Oh, no, it's not a date, no.
No.
Just three friends having dinner.
Triple hurricane! We're a throuple.
Sheila: A throuple? Well, what will you Catholics think up next? Enjoy that hurricane.
Uh, Broccolini, anyone? Mm, no, thanks.
Um you know what? I'm, uh [Exhales sharply.]
I'm not feeling well all of a sudden.
- What? - I don't know.
But you guys just stay and have fun.
And And it's it's fine.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Yeah.
[Clears throat.]
That's odd.
Pat usually loves Broccolini.
Do you think he's embarrassed about the three of us being here together? We're the ones that should be embarrassed.
We entered as a throuple, and we're gonna leave as a couple.
[Laughter.]
Whoo! This place is perfect to have my first drink! [Knock on door.]
- Who's that? - I don't know.
Back in the closet, Kenny.
Go.
Hide.
Go.
Come on, man.
- Hide.
- Ow! Shannon Shannon, can I Ow! Uh, g-good evening, and welcome to the Dylan Alexander Hotel.
I am the front-desk manager, Jean Marc.
We, uh, spoke on the phone.
Oh, yes, of course.
Pleasure.
Forgive me.
I was under the impression you were much older.
Uh, how old are you? How dare you ask a woman that question! Is it your hotel's policy to insult its guests? I look much younger than my age.
It's called antiprogerianism, you toad! Geez.
We could learn a lot from Shannon.
You could learn a lot from me.
Jimmy, she's 15 years old and just convinced a hotel manager that she's a 42-year-old travel writer aging backwards.
- [Hangers clack.]
- So - Shh! - You shh! Shh! Jean Marc: My apologies, Madam.
- Did Pat text you back yet? - No.
I even sent him his favorite bitmoji of me hiding under a blanket that says "Mondays.
" I'm worried about him.
Well, I'm sure it has something to do with Sheila DeMars making fun of our throuple.
There's nothing weird about a guy on a date with his ex-wife and her lover.
You know, personally, I'm upset that she called you bland.
You're as spicy as they come.
Muy caliente.
Of course, I cannot eat spicy food, what with my acid reflux.
I just want Pat to find someone who makes him as happy as you make me.
Well, the least we can do is stop rubbing our relationship in his face.
Maybe we should just heat up dessert, drop by, and give him some space.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Although, we should sit there with him, 'cause if I had to eat alone in that tiny house, I'd probably kill myself.
Hmm.
Okay, the secret to holding your booze is to start with a good base you know, something to sop up the alcohol.
I like a nice Italian beef.
You eat one now and another one at the end of the night.
Yeah, uh, I'm off bread and also all food that comes out of your gym bag.
That's gonna be a hard pass for me.
Your loss.
Uh, it's very important to come up with a phrase that you can say in a completely sober voice even when you're trashed.
My go-to is, "I'm under the weather.
I think I caught a bug at school.
" Okay, mine will be, "I'm sober, because there's a lot of this and not enough of this.
" Okay.
I feel like you're ready for it.
Presenting alcohol.
What is that? Well, for the past year, I've been collecting the leftover hooch at the bottom of Mom and Dad's glasses, so it is gin, vodka, tequila, and rum.
Ooh! And peach schnapps.
- I call it a Long Island Iced Jimmy.
- Mm.
Why don't you guys just drink from the minibar? It's free.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, my God.
Huh.
I have always wanted to try a macadamia nut.
[Knock on door.]
Oh.
I'll get it.
It's probably the shoes I had sent out to be shined.
See, Jimmy? - Hey.
- Hi, Brett.
I think it's supposed to be clear.
Brett's here.
Hi! - This is awesome.
- Right? Uh, what is he doing here? Well, I thought, instead of teaching one 16-year-old how to drink, you could teach two.
Oh.
[Chuckles nervously.]
Well, you know, my lesson plan is more tailored to a one-on-one teaching situation.
I can go if If you think that's best, maybe.
I don't know.
They say three's company and four's the worst.
What? No! No.
Stay.
That's not even a real saying.
We have plenty to drink.
Come here.
Yeah, you guys do what you want.
I'm gonna stick with the glug jug the ol' glug-a-roo.
[Chuckles.]
[Gagging loudly.]
It's so good.
Knockity-knock-knock! We're here to turn that frown upside down.
Eileen, hold on a second.
- Let me explain.
- What's to explain? Her hips are more flexible than her face.
[Sighs.]
Come on, man.
Why didn't you knock? I totally should have.
That is on me.
In my defense, I did say, "Knockity-knock-knock.
" This is not how I wanted Eileen to find out about me and Sheila DeMars.
How long have you been physically enjoying each other? Couple weeks.
Ran into her on the job.
Somebody broke into her car.
Is there anything missing from the car, Mrs.
DeMars? A blue umbrella the expensive kind, you know, with the push button.
Wait.
My daughter might have taken it to her father's this weekend.
I'm divorced.
As you probably know.
[Squeaking.]
It was a-good.
[Both chuckle.]
Happy for you, bro.
Thanks, man.
Oh, gosh, Eileen is gonna kill me.
No, she's not.
You deserve happiness, too.
I'll just explain that to her in a calm and rational way.
That Sheila DeMars is a lucky lady.
I bet you're an excellent lovemaker.
Well, she hasn't had any complaints.
[Chuckles.]
Well, there was one note, but I made an adjustment.
Correct me if I'm wrong, Jean Marc, but medium rare still means firm with a warm, red center, or did the Communists win? Perfect.
- Yay! - Nay! Nope.
What are you doing?! It took me 25 minutes to make those! Pump your brakes, rookies! Take a seat! The purpose of bros night is for me to teach you how to drink.
D-Do you think Serena Williams had a racquet the first time she stepped onto a tennis court? Actually, she did.
I saw it in a documentary.
Oh, I saw that, too.
It was really good.
Guys.
Guys.
Over here.
We got a packed itinerary.
It's time for flash cards.
Read aloud.
Is he serious? I'm afraid so.
Both: "Liquor before beer you're in the clear.
Beer before liquor never sicker.
" Good.
Great.
Good.
Now, see, if you just keep it in that order, nothing can go wrong.
That's a myth.
It's all poison either way.
Does anyone want scalloped potatoes? All right, flash cards are no more! You're ruining everything! Jimmy, you've somehow made drinking in a hotel room worse than AP Latin.
Maximus b-b-b-boring! Oh, God.
I can't even make jokes anymore.
That's how bad you've made it! Fine.
Class dismissed.
So, was that a "yes" or a "no" to the scalloped potatoes? There you are.
You okay? Of course.
Why wouldn't I be? Just an odd hour to re-caulk the sink, don't you think? No, not at all.
I've been asking Pat to do it for weeks, but he's obviously too busy humping his whore.
Hmm.
I hate to say this, Eileen, but you seem very "peanut butter and jealous.
" Yeah.
Personally, I'm experiencing a lot of emotions right now.
Jealousy is not one of them.
Rage.
Rage is right at the top of the list.
But we wanted Pat to find someone.
She's only with him to stick it to me.
Did it ever occur to you that she might like Pat for Pat? Mm No.
She's trying to stick it to me.
Pat was very accepting of us.
We owe him the courtesy to do the same.
Why don't we invite them over for dessert? [Chuckling.]
Her? What? In my house? Well, if Sheila DeMars is with him for the wrong reasons, we could suss it out together like Rizzoli and Isles.
All right, fine.
You're such an Isles.
[Mister Banks' "City Life" plays.]
How's it going? Uh [Clears throat.]
Not great.
My brother ruined my night.
Well, I don't mean to one-up you, but my sister ruined my childhood by being born.
You the oldest, too? Yeah.
By th uh, this many.
[Chuckles.]
Should we drink to being the responsible ones? Couple of sakes? You want to buy me a drink? [Chuckling.]
Ooh.
Th-This is the best thing that has ever happened in my 17 years.
[Chuckles.]
Of Of being an accountant.
Mmm! Eileen, this pie is delicious.
What do you call it? Apple.
So, tell me about you and Pat.
Not much to tell.
Oh.
How about that? Well, we ran into each other and instantly clicked.
And then we clicked.
I had multiple clicks.
[Groans lightly.]
Could someone please get me a glass of water? - I'm feeling rather queasy.
- Yes, please.
- I totally get it.
- [Exhales sharply.]
- Get what? - You and Sheila DeMars.
I can see why you'd fall for her.
She's very similar to Eileen.
Don't be ridiculous.
Does this mean you're still attracted to Eileen? What? No.
Just 'cause they're similar doesn't mean I'm attracted to Eileen.
[Blows nose.]
How could you not be? Where's Jimmy? He hasn't responded to any of my text messages.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's angry with you because of [Sighs.]
Come on.
Jimmy was going on and on about bros night.
No.
Bros night! That's what we're doing.
He obviously means "brothers night," dummy! [Cellphone dings.]
Oh.
It's him.
"Bring me condoms from the minibar.
Asad.
" Wait.
Who's Asad? His phone autocorrects "ASAP" to "Asad.
" He Asad'd me for toilet paper yesterday.
- [Laughter.]
- [Cellphone dings.]
"Hurry up.
I'm about to have sex with a strangler.
" That's probably autocorrect for "stranger," right? [Chuckles.]
Wait.
That's still not good.
I have to find him.
- I'll call you later? - Yeah.
Hey.
Let's finish dessert so we can go back to my place for [singsong voice.]
dessert.
Ew! Pat, that's gross! You are still attracted to Eileen.
No, no! Only from behind! Woman: Where are you going? Just a moment My business associates are here with some papers for me to sign.
Give me the rubbers.
Jimmy, what what are you doing? [Laughs loudly.]
Expense reports? Expense reports! Are you drunk? Yeah, dude.
Duh! [sockies.]
Turns out, sakes aren't just something to keep your feetsies warm.
It's alcohol.
Mm.
Where's your boyfriend Brett? - He went home.
- Oh.
Oh, did he get tired of ruining ourur bros nig? He didn't know, and I didn't know how important it was to you.
All I wanted to do was to bond with my little brother in my little sister's hotel room.
Yes which we can still do.
Can we please just go back to the room? And then we can bro it up all night! Nope! Ship has sailed.
Jimmy! What's going on? And another thing about dividends stockholders! Shh! She thinks I'm a grown-up, so she's gonna let me do it to her.
Okay, Jimmy, is this really what you want for your first time? Yes.
You have made it very clear that first times are important to you.
I mean, do you even know her name? T Sh Names are for tomorrow.
Tonight is for rubbers.
I didn't bring them.
Fine.
I'm gonna roll the dice.
Are you kidding me? Okay, I-I didn't want to do this, but you've literally left me no other choice.
Uh Aha! [Alarm blaring.]
Oh, my God! It's a fire! Kenny! I'll save you! [Grunts.]
I'm sad and also happy that this worked on you.
I can't believe I never saw this before.
Ugh.
I feel sick.
I mean, I guess it makes sense, right? Eileen and Sheila are basically the same person.
Pat you're my best friend.
Yeah.
But if you are feeling a tingle for Eileen, it's the end of the throuple.
We're gonna have to fence for her hand.
So, foil, saber, or épée? A what? - No, Clive, no - Types of swords.
I get it.
Listen.
I don't have a tingle, okay? I haven't had a tingle for Eileen in a very long time.
[Sighs.]
I've had more sex with Sheila in the last two weeks than I had with Eileen in the last two years of our marriage.
Then why, with all the women in the world, did you have to choose her? I don't know! I do a lot of things I don't understand.
I can't believe I agreed to eat your pie.
Oh, come on.
You know you loved it.
Maybe you don't hate me as much as you thought.
Of course I do.
I have hated you since Wait.
Why do we hate each other, again? Are you kidding me? You know exactly why I hate you.
Because you're poor? No.
Because eight years ago, we were going for the same spot in the parking lot at the mall.
I got it, and when I went inside, you keyed my minivan.
I didn't do that.
Oh, please.
Like you're gonna admit it now.
Episcopalians don't confess.
No, it wasn't her.
I forgot my cellphone, and I went back out for it while you were still shopping.
And I remember that day, because I was wearing my new studded belt from Hot Topic.
[Scraping.]
Whoops.
I never told you, because I knew you'd make me throw the belt out - [Sighs.]
- which you did anyway.
Well, it appears that I owe you an apology, Sheila DeMars.
All these years I've disliked you for no reason.
Don't worry about it, 'cause when you stole that parking space, I did a ton of nasty stuff to you.
You're kidding.
- No.
It took a lot of planning.
- Yeah.
I really appreciate you kids calling me to pick you up.
It shows excellent judgment.
Hey, Shannon, I'm sorry that I got us kicked out of the hotel.
That's okay.
I fired off a scathing e-mail.
I'm getting a free weekend at one of their properties in New York, so Jimmy, I apologize for inviting Brett tonight.
It should have just been us.
Damn right! That's why the saying is "bros before" Hmm.
Yeah, I guess in your case, it's also "bros," so I can see how that would be a little confusing.
Yeah.
But, look, in the future, I'll just I'll keep you and Brett separate.
I don't have a problem with Brett.
And I think it's awesome that you're gay.
I j I guess I just didn't realize that you dating a guy meant that I'd be competing with another dude for my brother.
Jimmy.
Boyfriends will come and go, but you will always be my big brother.
Now, here you go, big guy.
Soak up that alcohol.
Eat that beef! Yeah.
I did learn something from you tonight.
Oh Okay.
Thank you.
That's good.
You know, I'm going to college soon, and these are these are the beautiful moments that we have to cherish.
Mm.
[Vomiting.]
In the bag.
Right in the bag.
Well, that moment's gonna last a very long time in my car.
I'm actually really glad we did this.
- Me too.
- Yeah.
You know what? I'm okay with you dating her.
We're a lot alike.
It It shows brand loyalty.
Well, I have to be honest about something I'm not very proud of.
I only started hooking up with Pat because I knew it would bother you.
Murray: [Gasps.]
You called it, Eileen.
You ding-dong called it.
Hang on a second.
You were just using me? Well yeah.
I mean, didn't you wonder why I came on so strong? Well yeah.
But then I just went with it.
Come to think of it, I I guess I didn't choose you.
You chose me, and then I chose sex.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
I wasn't attracted to you because you look like Eileen.
I was attracted to you because you wanted to have sex with me.
Yes! You've done it! The throuple lives! Long live the throuple! Wow.
You guys are a lot weirder than I thought.
Huh? Hey.
Where are you kids coming from? The sleepover ended early.
Sarah's dad got transferred, and they had to move tonight.
What are you all doing together? Are you drunk? - [Clears throat.]
- [Sniffles.]
I'm under the weather.
I think I caught a bug at school.
Oh, okay.
Well, don't give it to the rest of us.
Go on upstairs and go to bed.
Okay.
Good night, everyone.
Jimmy smells like every drink I ever had.
And a little bit of peach schnapps.
Mm.
- He's grounded, right? - They all are.
Well, maybe not Shannon.
[Sighs.]
I just feel so bad that her friend moved away.