The West Wing s02e12 Episode Script

Previously on The West Wing: -He's a Iunatic.
-He's colorful.
-He's certifiable.
-Who? Lord John Marbury.
You're gonna Iet him Ioose where there's Iiquor and women? We can hide the women, but the man deserves a drink.
AIIow me.
Lord John Marbury.
I was summoned by your president.
Yes.
We've met 1 0 or 1 2 times.
-Leo McGarry.
-I thought you were the butler.
You're the one who's been saying we need a radical approach.
Yes, yes, I have.
And I got shouted down in every meeting.
I prefer not to paint a picture in the interest of oratory.
The year is one week old.
The Iegislative session hasn't begun and we can't put waffles in our mouth without coughing up the ball.
-You got beat.
-Yes.
Figure it out.
Tell me what you'II do.
Are we patched into the Pentagon? We can hear them? We can hear what they're saying at Command? Why can't I hear anything? -Why aren't we hearing anything? -Fifteen seconds to target launch.
Why don't you just tell me to shut up-- We have a target launch sequence.
Go flight.
Kwajalein Atoll, how do you read? We read you five by five.
Positive target launch sequence.
-Here we go.
- Target launch in five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
Target is aloft.
-How Iong do I have? -Two minutes, 1 0 seconds.
I' m gonna see if I can get the president to watch this.
-Mr.
Sumatra, you' re a sports fan.
-Yes, sir, Mr.
President.
Golf.
Okay, well, golf's not a sport.
It's fine, don't get me wrong, but Iet's not confuse it with things that men do.
-Yes, sir.
-We're going to Bangkok in June.
-June, Charlie? -Yes, sir.
-You're at the Oriental.
-Best hotel in the world.
James Michener wrote many of his books at the Oriental and one of his typewriters remains in the suite they named for him.
Is that right? Make sure I see that.
-T om.
-Mr.
President, it is with pleasure that I present His Excellency T ada Sumatra of Thailand.
And by request of the secretary of state, ask that you accept his credentials from King Bhumibol Adulyadej as Thailand's ambassador to the US.
Mr.
Sumatra, I accept your Ietter of credence from King Adulyadej and by affixing my signature and seal do declare you to be an ambassador extraordinary and plenipotentiary.
May our people know peace and prosperity.
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
We've got gifts, and we're gonna stand for pictures.
-Ambassador, right here.
-Madam, congratulations.
He's got about another two minutes, and then I've gotta pull him.
Hey, Charlie, is he done? -Another two minutes.
-I'd Iike him in the Situation Room.
-Should I tell him it's an emergency? -No emergency, it's just time-sensitive.
What are you Iooking at? You're testing that preposterous contraption again.
It's not a preposterous contraption.
Mind your own business.
In my day we knew how to protect ourselves.
In your day you could turn back the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket.
-Sarcasm: the grumpy man's wit.
-Sharpen a pencil, would you? -What's up? -They're gonna Iaunch the intercept.
I'm sure somebody will come along soon and tell me it didn't work.
-Why that attitude? -It won't work.
-What do I get if it works? -What do you get? Well, I can't make you Thailand's ambassador to the U.
S -because I just signed that guy's Ietter.
-Come with me to the Situation Room.
You know what? You are the Charlie Brown of missile defense.
-The Pentagon is Lucy.
-I'm not familiar with the reference.
-"Peanuts," Charlie Brown.
-I'm just not conversant in them.
-Why? -I've never read the comics.
-Leo, were you born at the age of 55? -I know that there's a dog.
Charlie Brown wanted to kick a football and Lucy would hold it.
Except she'd pull it away at the Iast minute and Charlie Brown would fall on his butt.
-That's funny? -No.
But each time, Lucy would find a way to convince Charlie Brown that this time she wouldn't pull the ball away, but she would.
And once again, Charlie Brown would fall on his butt.
-That's funny? -Satirical.
-What's it satirizing? -The DOD bringing you to the Situation Room every time they run a missile test so you can come tell me how great it works so I'II put money in the NMD.
-You should put money in the NMD.
-It doesn't work.
It will work.
One day.
Soon.
There are 3-star generals in there.
Call them Lucy and you're on your own.
Good morning, Mr.
President.
-Where are we? -The kill vehicle's on a clear trajectory.
-What's its time to the target? -Fifty seconds.
-Colonel, walk the president through.
-Y es.
Approximately three minutes ago a missile was Iaunched with a simulated warhead from the Kwajalein Atoll in the South Pacific.
And it's gonna hit my garage in New Hampshire when? Well, once the missile cleared cloud cover, it was detected by the early-warning satellites, which Iaunched an interceptor, or kill vehicle.
Ten seconds to SRB sep.
SRB sep is "Solid Rocket Booster separation.
" That means the radar on the ground has gotten a Iock-on signal from the kill vehicle.
Go SRB sep.
Confirm Solid Rocket Booster separation.
Kill vehicle 's away.
Coming over at 0-4-4.
Roger.
-Roger, Control.
We got that 4-4-7.
- Thirty seconds to target intercept.
-Go flight.
-What happens now? In 20 seconds it collides with the nuclear warhead.
-Where? -Outer space.
Seventeen miles above Earth's atmosphere.
But we don't have anybody out there right now, do we? -Ten seconds to intercept.
-When we stay at the Oriental we have to see James Michener's typewriter.
-Intercept in five.
-Here we go.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
-Is that silence usually a good sign? -No.
Negative intercept.
-Have we got sensor readings? -No.
Negative intercept.
KM warhead overshot target.
-It was just enthusiastic.
-By how much? -Leo-- -By how much did it miss? -Colonel? -1 37.
-We missed it by 1 37 feet.
-Miles.
We missed it by 1 37 miles? When you consider the size of outer space, that's not so bad.
By the way, the words you're Iooking for are, "Oh, good grief.
" For those of you who haven't seen it, it's a very Iovely ceremony.
It's informal.
The ambassadors are Ied into the Oval Office probably with a few friends and family.
They chat with the president, maybe exchange some gifts and they're presented by the State Department's chief of protocol who asks the president to accept the ambassador's credentials and the president signs a Ietter to that effect.
Y es? You have four new ambassadors this week.
Is there an order in which they're seen? The order they arrived in Washington.
Earlier the president saw Ambassador Sumatra of Thailand then it'II be Peter Hans of Sweden followed by Her Excellency Renee Ernesto of Argentina Noah Jola of Burkina Faso and the newly named British ambassador will be arriving just as soon as he's been newly named.
I thought it was-- I forgot his name.
-Anthony Bratt? -Y eah.
Anthony Bratt cited family obligations and withdrew over the weekend.
-Weren't they gonna replace him with--? -Sir Christopher Nealing-Roach? No, Sir Christopher has been diagnosed with encephalitis contracted during his posting to Kenya.
-Who's the new British ambassador? -I don't know.
When the State Department tells me, I'II know.
It's pool photographs only until tomorrow night when there'II be a reception for the new ambassadors.
Thanks, C.
J.
Want to know who's been here the Iongest? The dean of the diplomatic corps? Anybody? Guys, you know I study these things just for you.
It's Prince Bandar bin Sultan of Saudi Arabia.
I could've also told them Burkina Faso has a population of 1 1 million and in even years they host Africa's Iargest crafts market.
-I need a chance to use that knowledge.
-C.
J.
? -Do you know the crops of Burkina Faso? -No.
Millet, sorghum, rice, peanuts and cotton.
Mention in your briefing that we've accepted a Iast-minute invitation for the president to address the GIobal Defense Council tomorrow.
-I thought we passed on the GDC.
-We passed on it three months ago when we thought the president was gonna be in South America.
But they Iost their keynote speaker.
We're gonna use this to Iaunch C.
A.
R.
E.
That's what I want you to announce.
-C.
A.
R.
E.
? -Yeah.
-Okay.
-CIean Air Rehabilitation Effort.
-You don't know what it is.
-The CIean Air Rehabilitation Effort? An effort to clean and rehabilitate air-- -How can--? -I'm not involved in environmental policy.
Which will come as a relief to environmentalists.
-I knew the crops of Burkina Faso.
-I'II brief you Iater.
-Have we heard from T oby? -No.
-Do we know if he's Ianded? -No.
-How's everybody doing in here? -They're doing fine.
Is global warming a real environmental condition or merely a temporary anomaly? Is it a global threat or the exaggerated claim of alarmists? The time for such debate is over.
As of today, it shall be the position of the United States government that global warming constitutes a clear and present danger to the health and future well-being of this planet and all its inhabitants.
-Did somebody get that? -Yes.
-I didn't see writing.
-You wrote it.
I just added "The time for such debate is over.
" -We got it.
-It sets up the reveal.
half a trillion in compliance costs.
We're making sure that's right? We're making sure in a few places? -I want three sources.
-Fine.
-We don't know if Toby's back? -You'II know soon.
-Sam? -Is it Toby? Can I have the phone? He's standing right there.
Thanks.
Twenty-two thousand fewer respiratory-related hospital admissions.
I don't wanna use the stats unless I have three sources.
-How was the trip? -It was fine.
What's going on? The president's gonna speak at the GDC conference.
-What are you talking about? -He's gonna Iaunch C.
A.
R.
E.
-Since when? -Their keynote speaker fell through.
-When was this decision made? -Last night.
-Why wasn't I involved? -You were in Kansas City.
I have a telephone.
I have a damn telephone, Sam.
Frankly, I didn't think-- I thought there'd be a consensus.
Who was at this meeting? -Where? -Where the decision was made.
It was me, Carl Taub at the EPA, Jane Ziskin was there.
We've been Iooking for an opportunity to Iaunch-- -Leo wasn't there? -No.
We've been Iooking for a platform for this.
What's the problem? There are a number of problems, any one of which I could have told you about had you gotten me on the phone.
We already blew off the AFL-CIO.
We said the president was gonna be in South America.
He was gonna be.
Now he's not.
Instead, he's speaking to Iabor's good friend, the environmental Iobby.
He's the president of the United States, he's nobody's understudy.
You got him out there Iike Joey Bishop.
I gotta say, I hear all that, but the president was very enthusiastic.
-Of course he was enthusiastic.
-I wasn't in there twisting his arm.
I told him this opportunity had opened, that we had notes so I could finish the speech, he asked questions -we answered them, he said yes.
-AII right.
I understand.
AII right.
-It's gonna be a good speech.
-Yeah.
-They need you.
-Thanks.
-How was the trip? -Fine.
I need to see Leo.
Yeah.
-It's not gonna be Sir Christopher.
-I heard.
-I said it's not gonna be Sir Christopher.
-And I said I heard.
-I Iike to say Sir Christopher.
- Who Will it be? I' m waiting to hear from the State Department.
-Me too.
-Maybe it'II be Sir Christopher.
-Can I stop talking to you now? -What are you doing? I'm standing with my back straight against the wall.
-Why? -I was told by doctors it would relax me.
-Josh? -Gotta go.
-Y eah? -Are you okay? Y eah.
What? Is it true that Leo can't stand a guy named Lord John Marbury? -Why? -A reporter asked me.
-What's a reporter doing talking to you? -It's a friend.
Leo has nothing but respect for John Marbury.
-That's what I said.
-Leo thinks he's a Iunatic.
-He's very handsome.
-Maybe, but Leo thinks he's a Iunatic.
Are you threatened by his brilliance? You seem to be.
-How do you know he's brilliant? -His picture.
I'm not threatened by his brilliance nor his good Iooks.
-His charm? -Not threatened at all.
I'm sorry, I meant Leo.
Neither Leo or I are threatened by his brains, his Iooks or his charm.
He is, however, a Iunatic Brit.
We're grateful there's an ocean between us.
-There isn't anymore.
-There isn't what? -An ocean between you.
-PIease don't tell me-- He's the new British ambassador to the United States.
Yeah.
-Josh? -Yeah? He's dreamy.
I'm gonna stand next to the wall a Iittle while Ionger.
Okay.
Josh? -What I need people to do is knock.
-I did knock.
-You didn't wait for a response.
-Why would I? Because I could have been relaxing by standing behind that door.
AII right.
-How was the trip? -It was fine.
We're pinch-hitting at the GDC conference.
I didn't think it was a good idea, and I said so.
-That seems to have helped.
-Look-- We can't be at the beck and call of the environment.
-We could insult them.
-Yes.
-I'm kidding.
-I'm not.
-We were invited.
-Don't care.
What do you have? Environmental terrorists burnt down a ski resort and the GDC didn't comment.
Why did terrorists burn down a ski resort? -T o save the Iynx.
-The Iinks? Yeah.
T errorists burned down a ski resort to save a golf course? It's an animal.
-Sam's gonna have strong objections.
-Y es, I know.
-You want me to talk to Leo? -I'II talk to him.
-I want you to talk to C.
J.
-About what? The Will Rogers dinner is gonna ask Cornelius Sykes to host.
-You're kidding me.
-No.
-He didn't Iaugh at the joke.
-Talk to C.
J.
Why do you relax by standing behind a door? I'm not.
I'm standing with my back against the wall-- I don't care.
Yeah.
Keith, I-- Keith, I can't tell him that.
I can't tell the president that nine out of 1 0 things went right.
He's gonna say, "Yeah, but we didn't hit anything.
" Would you, please? Thank you.
We had an NMD test this morning.
We were successful on nine out of 1 0 criteria.
-We missed? -Yeah.
-By how much? -We were trying to shoot down an intercontinental ballistic missile.
Once you miss, it really doesn't matter by how much.
-I suppose.
-1 37 miles.
-Sam just told me about the speech.
-Which speech? -The GDC.
Leo--? -I wasn't in the meeting.
-How did--? -I wasn't in the meeting.
-I'm saying-- -It happened fast.
Sam pitched it and the president wanted to do it.
-How could you not be there? -I'm getting the president to warm up to a missile shield that's supposed to save humanity and there is a Iimit to the number of rooms I can be in at once.
-You wanna file a complaint? -No.
Good.
-Here's what I think.
-Screw the environmental Iobby? Did I say that? Did I say screw the environmental Iobby? -You didn't say anything.
-Before I even open my mouth you decide I'm gonna say screw the environmental Iobby.
There's an extent to which we've got to screw the environmental Iobby.
A public demonstration that the president's not beholden to them isn't a bad idea.
You think he should walk in and smack them around? For 30 seconds of a 40-minute address announcing an initiative they Iove.
How do you think they'II feel about the 30 seconds? Not that good, but that's the point.
We don't have to move to our right if we can spank the people to our Ieft.
Anything in particular we wanna spank them for? Failing to publicly admonish acts of eco-terrorism.
The GDC doesn't engage in acts of eco-terrorism.
But they fail to publicly admonish those who do.
-For example? -A Colorado ski development that was under construction was set on fire because it threatened the habitat of a rare, Iocal Iynx.
-Is a Iynx a--? -I don't know.
It's Iike a possum or something.
It doesn't matter.
-AII right, tell Sam to out it.
-I don't want it in the advance text.
I don't want Sam and his 1 4 objections.
It should just be a drop-in.
I'II talk to the president.
Anything else? -1 37 miles? -Yeah.
-Is that a Iot? -Yeah.
Okay.
We have 30 minutes at the ballroom after the speech to spin and the next morning as well.
Among the things you wanna be emphasizing are what? America's the biggest emitter of carbon dioxide.
We have 4% of the population.
We're responsible for 25% of the greenhouse emissions.
How are we gonna reduce those Ievels, you ask? -The CIean Air Rehabilitation Effort.
-Yes.
Which you can read about on page 1 1.
Don't skip the footnotes and just read what's underlined.
Were you able to get girls to go out with you in school? -Yes.
-Really? These regulations would cap the volume of carbon dioxide a company could emit in a year.
What's the good news? If the company comes in Iower than the cap they can sell the balance of their emissions allowance.
-Creating what? -A cash incentive.
Can you tell us anything else about that, C.
J.
? No, but I can tell you that Iumber, cocoa beans aluminum and petroleum are the major exports of Cameroon.
Then you're all set.
-Can I have her for a second? -Y eah.
-Why do you ask him? -He Iooked in charge.
-Of where I go? -Can we please? Did you hear they named John Marbury British ambassador? Lord John Marbury? I know.
It's gotta be Iike Davy Jones himself was showing up.
Don't make fun of Davy Jones, all right? He once wrote me a Ietter.
He took that kind of time.
And he still tours.
PIus, my Iove for John Marbury is real.
It's not a schoolgirl crush.
-He calls me principessa.
-Does he? -Yes.
-Well, he calls Leo "Gerald.
" He's eccentric.
What do you need? Janice Barry says Cornelius Sykes will be asked to host the Will Rogers dinner.
-For sure? -They' re gonna ask him.
They' re trying to stir this up again? He didn't Iaugh at the joke.
How many more ways are there to say that? -You guys are friends-- -We're not friends.
-You know each other.
-We don't hang out.
Yeah, but you know him.
-Where is he? -In New York doing stand-up.
-Since you'II be there-- -I'II see him.
-Thank you.
-He didn't Iaugh at the joke.
You'II see him tomorrow night? -Josh.
-Arrange a meeting tomorrow in New York with C.
J.
and Cornelius Sykes and no one else.
-Yeah.
-Thank you! And I was thinking, when Marbury gets here you could encourage him to introduce me to any royal, single men he knows.
That's a good idea.
I'II do that.
-You're not really, though.
Are you? -No.
I think many people don't realize that Swedes have Iived in Sweden more than 5000 years Ionger than nearly any other European people.
That's right, sir.
In fact, Gothic tribes from Sweden played a role in the disintegration of the Roman Empire, did they not? -They did.
-So you've got that to answer for.
-Yes, sir.
-Tom.
Mr.
President, with pleasure I present His Excellency Peter Hans of Sweden and by request of the secretary of state ask you to accept his credentials from King Carl Gustaf as Sweden's ambassador to the United States.
Mr.
Hans, I accept your Ietter of credence from King Gustaf and by affixing my signature and seal do hereby declare you to be an ambassador extraordinary and plenipotentiary.
-Thank you, Mr.
President.
-Congratulations.
Mr.
Ambassador, right this way.
Family, please.
-Congratulations, ambassador.
-Leo.
Is he still holding you responsible for the fall of the Roman Empire? -Yes.
-Welcome to my world.
-I'II see you at the reception? -Yes.
Congratulations.
Mr.
Ambassador, you and your family can step this way.
Sweden has a 1 00-percent Iiteracy rate.
A hundred percent.
-How do they do that? -Maybe they don't and they can't count.
Maybe.
-I really think you should know-- -Y es? Nine out of the 1 0 criteria that the DOD Iays down for success in these tests were met.
-The tenth being? -We missed.
-Damn! So close.
-Mr.
President-- It's that tenth one.
See, if there were just nine-- Look, the tracking software on the KM vehicle clearly acquired a read on both the target and the decoy.
And for the first time ever, successfully rendered a clean identification.
Seriously, when they were telling you that on the phone how stupid did you think you'd sound saying it? -This project needs money.
-It doesn't work.
Neither did phases of Apollo 1 1, but Neil Armstrong claims it was a success.
-Do we need to decide this right now? -No.
So about the GDC speech.
Since we're giving them exactly what they want Toby thinks it's not a bad idea to signal our independence as well.
-How? -A drop-in.
Eco-terrorism that's gone unadmonished by the GDC.
-For example? -A ski development in Colorado that threatened a rare Iynx was burned.
And we can't take it for granted that everyone pretty much opposes arson? A year and a half ago, you took AI Caldwell's head off because the Christian League hadn't publicly admonished religious extremists.
It'd be hypocrisy not to hold friends to the same standard.
Y et it feels strange scoring political points by doing the right thing.
I'm victim to my own purity of character.
Whatever.
We'II get you some information on the Iynx which is a kind of possum, I think.
It's not a kind of a possum, so you get me that information.
-Toby doesn't want it in the speech? -Just a drop-in.
-Did you hear? -About Marbury? -Isn't it great? -Yes, sir.
-I assume you're enjoying my suffering.
-Absolutely.
-Anything else? -No.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
Two thousand environmentalists are gonna try to kill me.
-We should go, sir.
-They'II come at me with vegan food.
Doesn't sound Iike something people do.
Still, I'd Iike you to get between me and any boiled seaweed you see coming.
Mr.
President? -Leo just talked to me.
-About the GDC tonight-- I'm not doing this for politics but because it's the right thing to do.
Well, I'm doing it for the politics.
-A Iynx isn't a possum.
-I think it's in the possum family.
-It's a cat.
-And we don't have enough of those.
How does Sam feel about this? Toby? This isn't Government Camp.
It's not important that everybody gets to play.
I won't tell you how to run your office.
Thank you, sir.
Vegan food coming at me all night Iong.
-C.
J.
? -Yeah.
-Where you going? -New York, New York.
-The town so nice they named it twice.
-Why? I'm receiving an award from New York Women in Communications.
For what? I discovered a comet.
What do you mean? Past winners include Cokie Roberts, Diane Sawyer and Ms.
Leslie Stahl.
-Josh talk to you about--? -I'm meeting him after.
And you're briefed on the CIean Air Rehabilitation? You'II need this: "The president's always spoken out against moderate groups not taking responsibility for extremism and he won't stop with the environmental Iobby.
Friends are honest with each other.
" -He's gonna do a drop-in? -Yeah.
I'II see you tomorrow night.
Hey, Toby, you wanna see the speech? Sam's writing a good one.
Yeah.
Climate changes have accelerated glaciers are shrinking, the polar sea ice is what? -It's thinning.
-The polar sea ice is thinning causing a rise in sea Ievels around the globe.
What do we say when they say the proposals in C.
A.
R.
E would seriously choke the auto, trucking and utility business? Twenty-two trillion dollars in benefits versus half a trillion in compliance costs.
-Public health benefits.
-We'II make it clear.
-Where's C.
J.
? -New York.
-What's she doing in New York? -She had a Iunch.
Media Women? -That was today.
-She had to stay.
-So it's just me? -Yeah.
Call me from the place.
Yeah.
-Final draft? -Well, it's the 1 2th draft.
Whether it's a final draft is really up to you.
-Was that sass? -Yeah.
Okay.
The difference between a good speech and a great speech is the energy with which the audience comes to their feet at the end.
Is it polite? Is it a chore? Are they standing up because their boss just stood up? No, you want it to come from their socks.
We got half an hour.
Let's read this again.
Every time one of these tests fails congressional Democrats jump on it as a reason to kill the program.
You're not gonna turn the president around on this.
I'm not gonna turn him around today and probably not tomorrow but as Iong as somebody has the money to keep trying to make it work, then I'm fine.
-There's someone here to see you.
-Who? -Gerald! -Oh, God.
-Gerald, old friend.
-Good to see you, ambassador.
It's as if the gods themselves insist that we be not Iong apart, you and I.
They do seem to strongly insist upon that, yes.
Your assistant Margaret is Iooking positively buxom.
-Thank you, I'II tell her.
-Thank you.
Yes, well done.
-John? -My aide, Caprice.
-How do you do? -Leo McGarry.
-Good to see you, ambassador.
-God bless you, Josh.
The prayers of millions were answered.
-Thank you, sir.
-I have come.
-Y es.
-I am Lord John Marbury with my aide.
I am hereby presenting my credentials in the fervent hope-- -We do that Iater with the president.
-Excellent.
I will tell you, though, that I personally welcome you and I Iook forward to our new partnership.
-As do I.
-I know we've had our differences but I think you know I respect you.
I congratulate you on this auspicious occasion.
-In fact, your arrival couldn't be better.
-How so? Leo wants the president to give the NMD more time.
You're an expert.
I hope I can count on your support.
-Well, you'II not have it.
-Why not? The NMD is an absurdly wasteful military boondoggle that'II never produce a working missile.
It violates any number of elements of the ABM treaty and any argument you make in its defense will surely be moronic.
-Détente.
-I'm sorry, Gerald.
-We'II have this out.
-Excellent.
Let's go get you knighted or whatever the hell it is we do.
-Hey.
-Hey, how you doing? -Not bad.
-Thanks for taking the time.
-Yeah, I gotta get back pretty soon.
-I won't take Iong.
-You wanna stay for the show? -I gotta get the 7:00 shuttle.
-You want something to drink? -CIub soda.
AIicia, can I get some club soda? -I haven't seen the movie.
-You should see it.
It's good.
-That's what everyone's saying.
-Well, I appreciate that.
So you know this is about the Will Rogers dinner.
Yeah.
They're gonna ask you to host and, obviously, the president's gonna be there.
-We appreciate the support-- -You want me to say no.
We think the press will go back two years and bring up-- -Let them.
-I don't want to.
Now, you know how I feel about you.
You know I don't mean you disrespect-- -You don't? -No.
I've raised money for you, I've registered voters for you I've done commercials for you and I've voted for you.
Because of something I never did wrong two years ago you don't wanna be on the dais with me.
It takes a special kind of arrogance not to think that that's disrespectful.
Thanks, AIicia.
Make your case.
I gotta be funny in a while.
-It missed by 1 37 miles.
-Yes.
If it missed by 37 fewer miles, it would have still missed by 1 00 miles.
-It doesn't work.
-That depends what your definition is.
My definition is precisely the same as everyone else's.
-John.
-Mr.
President.
-It's good to have you.
-Your servant, as always.
-What made you agree to the post? -I suppose it's possible I was drunk.
A reasonable bet.
I've gotta go across town and give an address on global warming and our planet's future.
-You're not interested, right? -Good God, no.
Stay here and fight with Leo about something.
I'II be back in an hour.
We'II do your thing and then enjoy the reception.
-Excellent.
-Indeed.
-An hour, did he say? -Yes.
I'II need some amusement.
-Good evening, Your Lordship.
-Excellent.
-Corey.
-Hang on.
Let me finish.
-It was not a benign joke.
-C.
J.
-- You don't tell benign jokes.
It was a joke about New York cops shooting black men.
I'm a black man.
I'm in a room full of rich Democrats.
You thought I was gonna talk about airline food? It was a political fundraiser in the heat of a national campaign.
You weren't doing a set at Catch a Rising Star.
It's been years since I worked there.
You made the joke.
As inoffensive as you think it was there was enormous pressure on him to disavow your remarks, and he did not.
And I'm supposed to feel good about that? That he didn't disavow me? That I wasn't disavowed? We were courting Iaw enforcement.
Don't be naive.
You were also courting the black vote.
I'm not naive.
What did you expect us to do? I expected that when I was called in any number of places a Hollywood sleaze, that you might have said a few words on my behalf.
I expected you were gonna say, "We in the Bartlet campaign don't believe Cornelius Sykes is a Hollywood sleaze.
We believe he's a world-class humorist and millions of Americans agree.
We believe his humor can be disconcerting to some but those who are making noise now are feigning their concern in an effort to frighten white men.
" But what you said was, "He didn't Iaugh at the joke.
" -Corey-- -He did Iaugh at the joke.
-Yeah.
-He Iaughed at the joke, C.
J.
I've been doing this 20 years.
You don't think I'd know if I had him? I killed that night.
And that was a very big deal for me to play in front of that audience, to get that man to Iaugh.
And the next day, my parents read in the paper that I am Hollywood sleaze.
But that's okay, because the candidate didn't think I was funny.
I understand.
I don't wanna cause any trouble for the president.
You knew that when you walked in here.
I'II pass on the dinner.
I'II tell them it's because I couldn't get out of a booking.
But the president Iaughed at the joke, C.
J.
I killed that night.
You did.
Okay.
I gotta go.
I'II see you next time.
-Is the president off-stage? -Just about.
-Anyone know how it's going? -Toby? It's Sam.
-He admonished them.
-Sam-- He went off the speech at the end and slapped them down for not speaking out on eco-terrorism.
He just flew off the speech-- -Listen-- -Something about a ski resort-- -Are you Iistening? -T alk to me.
Say, " Friends are honest with each other.
The president's spoken out on moderate groups not taking responsibility and he won't stop with the environmental Iobby.
" -Okay.
-You got that? What's happening? Sam, what's happening? They' re not standing.
-So you' re actual royalty? -Y es.
It's not just an honorary thing? No.
In fact, there's Iittle honor attached to it at all.
T ell me about yourself.
My mother was a descendant of the third of the nine children of Queen Victoria.
Victoria was the granddaughter of George III who was the great-grandson of George I.
George I was the great-nephew of Charles I who was the son of James I.
And James' mother was Mary Queen of Scots.
-And are you and Caprice an item? -No.
-Mr.
Ambassador? -Is he back? He's back.
He's receiving Her Excellency Renee Ernesto of Argentina -and asks for your patience.
-He shall have it.
-C.
J.
-Yeah.
-You just get back? -Yeah.
-You heard what happened? -Yeah.
Here's what it is: "The president's spoken out on moderate groups not taking responsibility for extremism.
He won't stop with the environmental Iobby.
Friends are honest with each other.
" Sam? -Have you spoken to T oby? -When? -Since after the speech tonight? -No.
-Okay.
-They're setting up for the reception? Yeah.
Sixty billion dollars can be spent on other things.
I'm all for retention pay, health benefits, procurement.
I'm talking about Abrams tanks and Apache helicopters, which work.
An Apache helicopter will not stop the Shahab-3 Iong-range Stiletto or a North Korean ICBM.
Well, so far, neither can anything else.
Hey, Sam? I'm going back in there.
-Have you been getting questions? -I'm sorry? -Have you been getting questions? -Yeah.
-From the press, or? -The press will be tomorrow.
-Who's asking--? -The chairman of the GDC four congressmen, the secretary of the interior, who'd you think? -What'd you--? -I said, "Friends have to be honest.
" I said exactly what you told me to say, which is what C.
J.
told me to say which is funny considering C.
J.
was in New York and didn't speak to you.
It's Iike there were people who knew it was gonna happen.
-Sam-- -Get away from me.
-Hey, Sam.
-Can I get in for just a minute? He's pretty tight right now.
I don't think I can get you in.
Well, yes, certainly.
There's Edward, Earl of UIster.
He's the son of Richard, Duke of GIoucester who's the son of Henry, Duke of GIoucester.
-Edward, Earl of UIster? -Yes.
-You think he'd Iike me? -Do you date younger men? -Sure, how old is he? -Five.
Well, Iet's stick a pin in that for a moment and move on.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Am I interrupting? -Not at all.
Ambassador Marbury was just telling me how royal men are schooled in courtship.
King George III sailed his bride up the Thames to music specially composed.
That was years before we opened a can of whup-ass on them at Y orktown.
How can you Iook at North Korea, which 24 months ago -fired a T aepodong missile--? -Which failed.
And with some modifications, it'II be able to reach AIaska.
I don't Iive in AIaska.
I Iive in England, which is not protected by the shield.
Not that anybody else is at the moment, either.
You forgot that we're both signatories to the '72 ABM Treaty of which this shield is in violation.
You forgot it'II compel China to strengthen their nuclear arsenal.
You forgot European allies have strong reservations about the shield.
And you forgot that it doesn't work.
-You know what I didn't forget? -What? That we opened up a big can of whup-ass on you at Y orktown.
-AII right.
-Leo.
-Excuse me.
-Excuse me.
I'm gonna correspond with the Earl of UIster once he Iearns how to read.
Okay.
Here you go.
-No.
No, AIice, I got it.
-It's all right.
-No, I got it.
-You want a beer? Yeah, thanks.
You don't ever go into the Oval Office mad.
No.
No.
No.
No, Sam, you don't ever go in there mad.
I think the president's remarks were ill-advised, to say the Ieast.
You're wrong.
The drop-in's the story now, not the energy package.
It doesn't need to be a story, it's gonna be a Iaw.
We don't need the environmental Iobby? -I don't think we're gonna Iose them.
-I think you're tragically misguided.
Most environmentalists are absolutists who will use this insult to pull their support undercover we cut a deal with Detroit.
Well, then they can grow up, Sam.
"Use this insult"? They got their energy package and the president at their dinner.
They should shut up! Well, you should explain it to them just that way, Toby because they're really pretty receptive to that argument.
When they see the alternatives on the ballot, they get receptive fast.
Was there anything else, or can I sit here now? -You can sit here.
See you tomorrow.
-Yeah.
I see opposition polling that scares the hell out of me.
I see internal numbers that change by the hour.
-I Iisten to economists that tell me-- -You Ieft me out.
You think I made you Iose on the Ieadership breakfast? -I got creamed.
-Because of me? -I didn't want the discussion! -Then why are you here talking to me? Now you want the discussion.
You may think they deserved it but the cynicism of attacking friends for political protection offends them.
And it offends me.
It offends you, and there's nothing I can do to make you feel better about that.
We can't govern if we don't win.
You should've talked to me about the numbers more.
Yeah.
-Anyway, I have this beer so-- -Yeah.
-I was gonna sit down and drink it.
-Yeah.
-We don't have to talk or anything.
-Yeah.
That was Chairwoman Shelly Loobis I just got off the phone with.
Before that was a conference call with Jamie Schwartz of the Environmental Defense Fund, Bryce Davis from the Sierra CIub and people from the Sub-Committee on Energy and Environment.
The number of different words they had for "manipulative" there's no way they didn't have a thesaurus with them.
Bryce Davis said if I keep this up, he's gonna encourage Seth Gillette -in a third-party bid.
-What'd you say? I said for $50 and a ride to the airport, Gillette could have the job right now.
-What'd you say? -I reminded them it isn't a good idea to threaten the president.
Nancy! I wanna know when you're pushing me towards the missile shield it's not because you want me to Iook strong on defense.
-Yes, sir? -Tell Charlie I'm ready.
-I'm pushing you because it works.
-Based on what? Confidence, and the understanding that there's been a time in the evolution of everything that works when it didn't work.
You know, can I say this? Why don't we just give the $60 billion to North Korea in exchange for not bombing us? It's hard to believe that you're not on the National Security Council.
I feel they're missing an important voice.
-Mr.
President.
-Good evening.
John, Iet me explain why you've been waiting.
I have to see people in the order they arrive and you got beat by Argentina.
You Iost out on preferred seating for the State of the Union.
-I have to attend it? -Yes.
-Well, then attend it I shall.
-Okay.
T om.
It is with pleasure that I present Lord John Marbury of Great Britain.
And by request of the secretary of state, ask you to accept his credentials from Her Royal Majesty Queen EIizabeth II as Great Britain's ambassador to the United States.
Where are you on the missile shield? Well, I think it's dangerous, illegal fiscally irresponsible, technologically unsound and a threat to all people everywhere.
I think the world invented a nuclear weapon.
I think the world should see if it can't invent something to make it irrelevant.
Well, that's the right sentiment.
And certainly a credible one from a man who's fought in a war.
You think you can make it stop? Well, you can't.
We build a shield, and somebody will build a better missile.
Well, it's a discussion for serious men.
They say a statesman is a politician who's been dead for 1 5 years.
I'd Iike us to be statesmen while we're still alive.
Lord Marbury, I accept your Ietter of credence from Queen EIizabeth and by affixing my signature and seal declare you to be an ambassador extraordinary and plenipotentiary.
Thank you, sir.
Congratulations.
-God bless America.
-God save the queen.
Let's go.