Thirtysomething (1987) s02e12 Episode Script

1 [theme.]
[birds chirp.]
[Ellyn.]
Spectacular view, Melissa.
The gear is all state-of-the-art.
It's really been fun doing this, really.
I like the duck.
The duck is good.
It has obviously just been shot.
And look at this fabulously handsome man.
Yeah.
I always thought hunting would be a lot fairer if they gave the woodland animals automatic weapons also.
That would be great for this catalogue, don't you think? Give the squirrels Uzis.
So are they giving you any free equipment for your trip from this thing? Oh, absolutely.
I need all the help I can get.
I just look at a pair of hiking boots like they're blisters.
You really should come, Ellyn.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
You said you got things to do.
I got things to do.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Camping might really be good for you.
You think? You know, climbing mountain trails, your senses coming alive, crisp pine air opening up all your pores-- Yeah, to Lyme disease.
Everybody needs to get away.
I mean, even if there's poison ivy and poison sumac.
And poison snakes.
I need to get away.
- From? - Things, you know.
Like my life.
Yes, I understand that.
You know, there was the Carly Simon thing and this catalogue thing, and did I tell you I'm doing a magazine cover? - Yes, that's so great.
- Well, I'm up for it.
- I won't speak too soon.
- You'll get it.
- It is great.
I love it.
- Chronically great.
It's like a career.
A real grown-up.
It's just-- I don't have time for me anymore, to see my friends, look at a sunset.
Ah.
You can't really see a sunset from this place, that's for sure.
You really should come with us.
Yeah, I know.
But, mm-- It's so embarrassing - What, your ulcer? - Yes, my ulcer.
It's never run my life before.
I mean, it isn't running my life, I'm not going to let it run my life, but it's just-- What, they're telling you to take it easy, or-- No, they're not really-- They're not telling me anything.
It's just-- Eh, mm.
I don't know.
Can't leave Susannah right now.
[Michael.]
Oh, yeah, a great time.
Okay, see you later.
- Hey, Gare.
- Hey.
Hey, that's the way this feels.
Hey, so you going camping? No.
Actually, I flaked out.
He's going to go.
You're not a flake, man.
You're smart.
Camping's for flakes.
All the dirt and bugs and all.
Such a fastidious guy.
- All right, see you.
- Give me a call.
Okay.
Hey, Mike.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Listen, uh, the reason I came by-- You remember my friend Patty has that small agency? [Michael.]
Pat's House of Ads, yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, he's got this client, Bite-a-Burger.
Right.
Here, grab that for me, will you? - Sure.
- Excuse me.
There's like, um-- There's, like, 12 of them in the city.
Anyway, they want to push this new side order, so there's this freelance assignment.
Oh, good, Elliot.
That's great.
You don't understand.
See, they like our work.
You interested? I don't know.
I mean, I know you didn't take the Pressman thing, and-- You know, I was thinking if you are interested, there's kind of a rush.
Uh-huh.
What kind of rush? Monday.
- This Monday? - Yeah.
- I'm going camping, Elliot.
- Right.
You know how long Hope's been looking forward to this trip? Yeah, I bet.
Of course, you know, we'd be running Pat's House of Ads in three months.
Yeah.
I don't want to put any pressure on you here.
No pressure, no pressure.
- Print and radio? - And UHF.
- And UHF.
- Yeah.
[laughter.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What, in the second drawer here? - Yeah, I think so.
- Here it is.
I found it.
Oh, I love flannel.
Don't you love flannel? Yeah.
Especially when it's so worn it's about to rip.
- Just the right point.
- Man, I wish I was going with you guys.
Sitting under the stars, drinking wine out of a bottle.
Boy, I can't believe it's finally going to happen.
It's too bad about Gary not going.
Well, how could he if Melissa's going? - Can you hand me that sweater, please? - Sure.
He says it's because Susannah's pregnant.
Oh, come on.
It's not like you're going to climb Mt.
Everest or anything.
He just doesn't want to deal with Melissa.
Oh, man, throw those away.
These are my lucky socks.
I wore them camping with Michael when I was pregnant with Janey.
When I was pregnant with Ethan, I threw up in my sleeping bag.
I hope you got a new one.
- Hope, will you see Bambi in the woods? - Maybe.
If you do, can you shoot him for me and bring back his head and guts? Get out of here! You're gross! Come on.
Maybe we should go to New York for a couple of days and see some plays.
We got to get everything in before baby number 2 comes.
- Spill it, Michael.
- Spill what? Whatever it is you have to tell me.
- Elliot stopped by today.
- Oh, that's a treat.
- He's been offered a job.
- Oh, let me guess.
Something to do with children and firearms? No.
Actually, it's a freelance assignment for both of us.
And what's the rest of it? I can't go camping.
Oh.
Honey, I know the timing's not perfect, but God knows, we really need the money, and I need to work with Elliot.
Why? Why? Because we're a good team.
- You understand that.
- Yeah, suppose I do.
This camping trip, it meant a lot to me.
All right.
We'll do it again.
We'll pick another weekend and we'll go, just the two of us, okay? - The two and a half of us.
- I'll be too big.
You'll have to get a chair lift to take me up the mountain.
Hope, I'm really sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Yeah? Well, I'm still going.
Maybe I'll meet a sexy forest ranger who's into fat women.
Hope, I-- You don't understand.
- You can't go camping.
- Why not? You got to take care of the kids.
Yeah, well, Hope says if Michael's not going, that he's going to look after Janey.
Yeah, but it's going to be impossible for me to get any work done with the kids around.
- I manage.
- I know you do.
And geez, you know how much I love the kids.
It's just-- Oh, Nance, this job-- It's pretty important, and the money, Nancy-- I think this is something I really want to do.
Okay, all right.
Have a good time.
Michael's got Janey.
The two of you will manage, I'm sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
I'm really going to get you.
[whoops.]
Hey, hey.
Long John Silver.
Hey, no, no, Mike.
Listen to me, Mike.
It'll be more efficient.
Really, it will.
- It'll be chaos, Elliot.
- It'll cut out the driving time.
- We'll get more work done.
- I got it, I got it.
The kids, Mike, the kids.
They could sleep in the sun room.
I could sleep anywhere.
I could sleep in the basement, on the sofa, Hope's side of the bed.
At your apartment.
Mike, we'll be good sleepover guests.
I promise.
It'll work.
I'm sorry it's so big.
Since they make them so light now, I guess they make them even bigger so you can carry-- Well, I'm still into Army surplus.
Hope, no treats until we get on the road.
[car horn honks.]
I thought we weren't going to invite my mother.
This is filthy.
Hey, girl.
I'm coming.
All right.
Yeah.
I saw this article in National Geographic about nuns whitewater-rafting.
I got inspired.
What is in here? This is so heavy.
Two extra pairs of pants, some extra socks, and about half a gallon of Maalox.
So am I totally screwing up the food rations? - No, Hope is.
She's eating for two.
- Oh, come on! Do we have everything? I don't know.
So you guys need any help? No.
What, we're babes in boots.
We're pioneers, babe.
We are totally out of our minds.
Listen, no rappelling, all right? All right.
Say goodbye to Mommy.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
It can get kind of cold up there.
Thanks.
That's nice.
Come on, you guys.
The traffic's going to get really bad.
- We got to go.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
- I have to drive.
- No, I was going to drive.
- No, please.
- Really.
- Bye, sweetie.
Give me a kiss.
Bye, Janey bird.
Let's go.
No way, it's my car.
Nancy, come on.
I can't sit in the back.
She's going to have a baby.
Oh, come on, guys.
Ethan, out.
You're not going.
Go to your father.
He loves you.
All right, guys.
Seatbelts.
I can't see.
[overlapping chatter.]
Drive carefully, all right? [overlapping chatter.]
Ready? [overlapping chatter.]
[Hope.]
Okay, back up.
Turn.
Good girl.
That a girl.
Aah! Love you, sweetie.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Don't forget to write.
Drive careful.
[horn honks.]
[honking continues.]
Frightening, isn't it? Really frightening.
[Women.]
Till you find your dream A dream that will need All the love you can give Every day of your life For as long as you live [Ellyn.]
Climb ev'ry mountain [Nancy.]
If I see Christopher Plummer and Julie Andrews coming over the next hill-- [laughter.]
Hey, we're not going too fast for you, are we, Melissa? I think Oklahoma! did us in.
You're not singing.
Yeah.
I just want to get some water.
I am so thirsty.
Let's just stop for a while.
- Okay.
- I'm going to get blisters.
Oh, man.
Parker Cave.
I haven't been there since junior high.
What was the name-- You remember that lady that used to scare the hell out of us? What was her name? - Old Witchface.
- Right.
What, she live up here? We used to think she lived in the cave.
Oh, yeah.
All alone in the darkness, making friends with bats.
Yeah.
Hey, Hope, what's that? That's not trail mix you're eating.
- Thank God.
- I hate trail mix.
Do you think Lewis and Clark ever ate trail mix? No.
They had Sack-a-jawe.
Sacajawea.
What kind of Girl Scout were you, anyway? She probably carried a hibachi on her back and made them steak and potatoes every night.
Okay, okay, come on.
Let's go.
Get going.
Break's over.
Climb ev'ry mountain Ford every stream I love her.
I really love her.
But she's going to give us all heart attacks.
Oh, come on.
This is great.
You just got to go along with her.
It's been tough.
She's just a bit fragile.
Come on, girls.
Move them butts.
- Fragile? - Oh, man.
All right.
Where are the Westons? All right, guys, we got peanut butter and jelly sandwiches here.
Let's eat some lunch.
- I want white bread.
- We don't got white bread.
- White bread! - White bread? We don't got white bread.
We got chunky peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Ho ho ho.
Hey, hey, hey.
Give me some of that.
Wheat bread? Yuck.
Elliot, listen-- About the work we haven't gotten done today.
Eight hours, Mikey.
Eight guaranteed hours of babysitting.
How'd you guys like to see E.
T.
, huh? - E.
T.
, yeah.
- All right.
Oh, man, this'll be great.
You guys will watch it like 10, 12 times.
They'll be happy.
They'll be quiet.
Except for the part where they think that E.
T.
is D-E-A-D.
That spells dead, Dad.
[hums.]
[fuse pops.]
I am 16 going on 17 I know that I'm naive Wait till you see this, Hope.
I can't believe this.
Oh, God, it's so much smaller.
Don't you think it looks smaller? I guess it kind of does.
Oh, now.
Great.
I love caves.
They're mysterious and everything.
We had a cave we used to go and make out.
[Hope.]
Oh, no! Weren't you scared? - That's her.
- Is that her? Is that the one you're talking about? - That's her.
- Yes, hello.
- Witchface - She looks like my grandmother.
Do you think she's going to remember you? I hope not.
She caught me stealing quarters out of the wishing well.
- [overlapping chatter.]
- [microphone feedback.]
The stalactite light show begins in five minutes.
Ooh.
[laughter.]
Just you girls, all alone? Just us chickens.
But this girl has something she'd like to confess.
She has really turned into a nice young woman.
I need three.
I'll get them, guys.
You can pay me back later.
So a hundred years ago, just after the caves were discovered, this 8-year-old girl, Betsy Parker, went into the cave searching for her lost dog Bingo.
Bingo appeared at the other end of the cave, but Betsy never did.
Maybe Witchface ate her.
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Hurry up, you guys.
I don't want to miss the stalactite show.
You remember when Bobby Levin was allergic to bat guano and had an asthma attack in the cave? [overlapping chatter.]
You guys.
Ellyn? I can't-- Lynnie.
I can't go in there.
- Why not? - I don't know.
I've never been claustrophobic or anything.
I just kind of-- I don't know.
Well, you know, they probably made up the Betsy Parker story.
- Yeah, definitely.
- Come on.
Um, is there another way around? We have to go through the cave.
It's the only way to the other side of the mountain.
Maybe we could hike around.
Hike around? It's 7 miles.
7 miles? Uh.
Let me see the topo.
Well, where are we? Show me-- Wait a minute.
Here we are.
But isn't this the trail? - Yeah.
- That's the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
Okay, but look.
If we were going to go, how would we go? How would we go? We'd go up that trail there.
Guys, look, why don't you just go on through, and I could maybe you knowcall a cab? [chuckles.]
No, really.
I'll hike around.
It's okay.
Look, what's 7 miles between friends? [whispers.]
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
[Nancy.]
You were probably one of those girls who in Girl Scouts got all the badges? [Melissa.]
Oh, yeah.
I learned everything I know from obnoxious old boyfriends who made a religion out of going camping.
Well, Elliot and I would go camping all the time, and everything was always about his sheath knife.
"Oh, I think I'll open this can with my sheath knife.
No.
No.
Maybe I'll cut down this tree with my sheath knife.
" [frogs croaking.]
Hey, you guys, it's the lake! Oh, wow! What did I tell you? [Nancy.]
It's beautiful! Oh, did you see those white and black ducks? Did you see them with the black tops? [chatter.]
Hey, Lynnie, come on! [Nancy.]
Come on! It's great! Hey, you know, tonight, if you take two sticks and rub 'em together and make a fire, I am really going to hate you.
What, you didn't bring the microwave? [chatter.]
- But this goes - Right.
But it goes inside.
It doesn't go outside.
Wow.
Looks like you're digging a moat.
[chuckles.]
I've slept in enough wet tents.
Wait till it rains 2 inches.
Rain.
Great.
- Put it inside first.
- Okay.
The points on that Melissa, is this, like, okay here? You think maybe it's kind of a little exposed? [chatter.]
Ellyn.
That's why we have a tent.
Now put it in.
All right.
- Right there.
- Yeah.
[Nancy laughs.]
[bird chirps.]
Oh! Oh, God! [laughter.]
[chatter.]
- Do you like yours burned or just scalding brown? - Brown.
[laughter.]
[chatter.]
Ellyn.
What? What? I can have a little.
That's not what you told me two weeks ago.
Thank you very much.
[animal howls.]
So? What'll we talk about? Shall we talk about boys? - No! - Yeah! No, no.
This is the part where we tell ghost stories.
- Ohh! - I have this really great one.
Well, I mean, it's really more funny than it is scary.
Is it dirty? [laughter.]
Elliot and I had just gotten together.
We went camping, and-- Well, we hadn't slept together yet, and he was trying everything.
And so it was our first night in the tent together, so he told me this ghost story.
What, he was trying to scare you to sleep with him? [laughing.]
Elliot logic.
Right.
You got it.
So anyway.
- [owl hoots.]
- There was this couple, and they went parking along this old deserted road.
[squeaking.]
And they were there, and he's real quiet.
And they were making out and everything, and there's this rock 'n' roll music playing on the radio, and, you know, they're getting into it, and all of a sudden, there is this announcement on the radio.
Bulletin.
We interrupt this program with a special news report.
Be on the lookout for the hook-arm killer, a one-arm man who preys on young couples parking on dead-end country roads by slashing their throats open with a hook on his artificial arm.
Stay tuned for an update.
And now [Nancy.]
Well, she gets really scared.
You know? So she moves over in the car.
Oh, come on, baby.
What's the matter? - [whimpers.]
- I mean, no, it's okay.
Everything's going to be okay.
I mean well, that happened 2 or 3 miles from here.
Now, come on, baby.
You know you want to.
[Nancy.]
And so then they start making out again, and then she hears this scratching.
[loud scratching.]
- Take me home.
- What? - I want to go home.
- What? [Nancy.]
And he was, like, bummed because they were really going to get it on.
You know? So, oh, he's so mad.
So they just drove out of there, you know, - and they drove the whole way home, and-- - And they didn't talk.
[overlapping chatter.]
[laughs.]
And he said no.
So anyway, they pull into the driveway, and they're all quiet, and she's real mad, you know, and they're sitting there in her driveway, and she looks at him, and she's, you know.
So she decides to get out of the car, - and she goes-- - What happens when she opens the door? She opens the door really quickly.
[clattering.]
And it's an artificial hook hanging on her car! - Aah! - Oh, you guys, I heard that at summer camp.
Oh, you did? I've never heard it before.
What about Elliot? Didn't this have something to do with Elliot? Oh, yeah.
Well, after he told me that story, I was so scared.
There was no way I was getting to sleep that night.
But he had had a whole bottle of wine, so he was, like, passed out.
So there I am, sitting in the tent.
It's totally dark outside, and I've got to pee.
I looked outside, and I found this stick.
You know? - And I started waving it in front of me - [twig snaps.]
so I don't hit anything on my way to go pee.
- [crashing in underbrush.]
- And so then I'm coming back, and I'm waving my stick again, and, bang, I hit the side of the tent, and Elliot pokes his head outside the tent.
He says, "Oh! The scratching! The scratching!" - [laughter.]
- No! [laughter.]
Oh, he was so pathetic, you know.
- Ohh - Well, I slept with him.
That was the first night we ever slept together.
It was part of his plan.
No.
No, I don't think so.
[owl hoots in distance.]
Hmm.
[fire roars, crackles.]
[sighs.]
[clears throat.]
You guys, I think I'm going to go to bed.
Okay.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Kind of tired.
- Good night.
Good night.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
[laughter.]
Okay, okay.
I'm so ready to go.
See this? We're almost-- Yeah.
I need to check on the kids.
Oh.
Watch it.
You got any ideas? Yeah, I got some ideas.
Great.
Great.
I'll be right back.
Lights out time It's-a lights out time Hey, baby.
[kiss.]
It's-a lights out time What's the matter? Oh.
Are you scared? What are you scared of? Over there? You think something's over there? You want me to check? Okay.
But I tell you what.
There's nothing over here.
There's nothing over here.
See? There's a pile of book-- [screams.]
- Ohh! Ohh! - Did I scare you? Did I scare you? No! You can't scare me! I'm invincible.
- I'm invincible.
- Hey.
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Guys.
Guys.
Guys.
He gets him by the leg in a leg hold! - He's down! Oh! My tag team! - [Brittany giggles.]
Tag team! Oh, no! - He's in trouble.
Aah! She's got the chokehold-- - [Brittany laughs.]
I won! - [Elliot grunts.]
- Daddy, I won! - Aah! Aah! Who's this? - [Brittany laughs.]
[crickets chirping, owl hooting.]
I keep expecting to hear Brittany's crying or Ethan playing kamikaze.
Mmm.
Michael snoring.
[laughs.]
Elliot used to sort of snort.
Mmm.
[Nancy sighs.]
[crickets chirping.]
Sometimes I wish I could just do it all over again knowing what I know now.
What would you change? I'd try to be more forgiving.
It's amazing the things you've forgiven him for.
- I mean, especially the big things.
- Yeah.
[insects droning.]
Like what? Oh, II don't know.
You know? Mmm, like for being jerks.
Yep.
For moving out.
Yeah.
[Nancy sighs.]
Hope.
Like, for moving out.
Is there something else I should be forgiving Elliot for? I don't know.
You know? I don't know what you mean.
- What else should I be forgiving Elliot for? - Nancy, I don't know what you're talking about.
What are you not telling me? I'm not not telling you anything.
- OhGod.
- I'm gonna go to sleep.
Who? I think you'd better tell me.
I said I don't know what you're talking about.
Hope, don't do this now.
I mean, I-- I-- It's really upsetting me, so I wish you would just tell me.
Did Elliot have an affair? [sigh.]
I'm really sorry.
I thought you knew.
Oh, God.
- [sighs.]
Cheryl Eastman - Ohh I knew it! Bernstein-Fox.
I know just when it happened.
I-- I knew it then.
I can't believe this.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, no.
He was always telling me that I-- I was going crazy, and-- and, I mean, he was always denying it and yelling at me.
See, I-- I knew it.
Oh, man.
I can't believe this.
- Nancy, I-- - No.
No.
Forget it.
Let's just forget it.
[Nancy sighs.]
I can't believe it.
[crickets chirping.]
[whispering.]
Melissa.
[whispering loudly.]
Melissa! Are you asleep? Melissa, do you hear something? [insects chirping.]
It's the hook-arm killer.
Go to sleep.
Maybe it's a bear.
Melissa.
Maybe it's a bear.
Or maybe it's Hope eating all our food.
Ohh It's so quiet in here, isn't it? Couldn't we maybe turn on the air conditioner? [sighs.]
[rustling.]
[whispers.]
Melissa.
Are you ever afraid? Of what? Of what's out there.
Nothing's out there.
Go to sleep.
Everything's out there.
Oh, God, I'm such a baby.
[animal howls in distance.]
[closer howling.]
[owl hoots.]
[insects droning.]
Watch that branch.
Watch that.
Now.
See? This is right.
This is right.
Yes.
Do you recognize this peak? Maybe.
I don't-- I don't know.
Yes.
This is it.
This is definitely it.
Okay.
Now.
Here's what we gotta do.
Now, we go down this path-- road.
You guys, here's what we do.
We go on this path.
Uh-huh.
No.
This way.
Ellyn.
Ellyn, wait a minute.
Listen, Nance.
About last night.
I'm sorry.
- I shouldn't have told you.
- No.
I don't know.
It's-- It's just, you know, like, kind of weird that you knew it all this time and you never said anything.
I hardly even knew you when Michael told me.
And how many other people know? Well, I don't know.
I didn't tell anybody.
You didn't tell anybody.
Right.
Melissa doesn't know.
I don't know.
Yeah, like, Michael probably told her.
It just makes me feel really stupid.
It's not a ravine? No.
It's a gorge.
Look at the elevation lines.
They're practically touching.
Melissa, we don't know if all those lines go down.
Ellyn, this is the trail.
It goes this way.
It comes out here.
I know, but it's-- it's-- Look how long it gets.
Look how long it is.
Geez.
I-- I thought you were getting blisters.
Well, I'm not getting blisters.
I just don't want to get lost in the wilds of the Poconos.
We're not l-- I'm telling you that this is a perfectly viable shortcut.
[thud.]
Hey.
Hey.
Ethan.
Ethan.
Ethan.
[Ethan imitating gunshot.]
[imitating gunshot.]
yourself.
All right, listen, you guys, no screaming.
Okay? - Yelling? - No, no yelling.
Nice Try.
Come on, honey.
Sit here with your brother.
Come here.
Okay.
Right here.
I'm gonna be in the next room.
Okay? Now, the TV listing said exciting cartoon adventures for all ages.
Okay? I'll be right in here.
[music on TV.]
Okay.
Here we go, Mikey.
Here we go.
I just got one question before we get started.
What? What are mojo potatoes? We'll just call 'em French fries, huh? - Right.
- Mike, what's wrong? - Nothin', Elliot.
- Oh, come on.
It's nothing, El.
I'm just thinking it's almost-- it's almost 12:00.
- Why don't we, you know - I know.
We're just getting started.
- We got plenty of time.
- No, we don't.
Sure.
We got the whole afternoon.
- [screaming.]
- Hang on one second.
I'm sorry.
- [screaming.]
- I'm sorry.
Honey? What are you guys-- Ethan, what, you changed the channel? [Ethan.]
That show is stupid.
I don't care.
Come here, sweetie.
I want you guys to sit here and watch TV.
Okay? Right here.
Okay? Daddy's working.
Daddy's working.
[TV blares.]
Okay.
[laughs.]
Okay, where were we? - We're nowhere, Elliot.
- Sure, we are, Mikey.
Come on.
Let's go, Mikey.
Let's re-associate.
No, Elliot, let's not.
All right? Let's not.
- No, let's do it.
Mikey.
- No.
No.
- We can do it, Mikey.
- No.
No.
No.
Like this, Elliot? We have to make lunch for the kids in an hour.
The kitchen, the houseno.
- I know, but Mikey, come on.
- No.
No.
Mikey, I'll try calling Carla again.
Okay? - She'll come over.
Everything'll be great.
- No.
Elliot.
No, Mikey, it really will.
Mikey, just think.
Mikey.
- Just think-- Just-- - Elliot.
Just think mojo.
Okay? Mojo.
Mojo.
Mojo.
I'll call Carla.
I'll call Carla.
Wait.
Elliot.
Elliot! [phone dialing.]
Okay! Here's the path.
Uhh.
Ellyn! No! I'm-- We're not lost.
[sighs.]
I saw a Snickers wrapper on this path.
It was mine.
I didn't drop it.
I mean, I didn't litter.
I just dropped it.
Could I see the map? Do we know where we are? Let me see.
That's north.
Now, how can you tell? Because of where the moss grows.
Huh! Okay.
We have to go back up that trail - Oh, come on.
- cross that stream to get to the real trail.
This is the real trail.
Look, if we just keep going forward-- We're going to end up in New Jersey! Oh, come on, guys.
There's a lot of daylight left.
We'll probably run into somebody.
Hope, we don't have to run into anybody.
We have to go in that direction! Ellyn, can't you just try and go this direction? Fine! Okay? Fine! Just fine.
We'll go in that direction.
Oh, ho.
[imitating machine gun.]
[imitating shooting.]
Oh! What a catch! Oh! Wide of the right zone.
You lose.
Ha-ha, ha, ha.
Elliot Weston gets the ball.
He goes to kick-- Hey, hey, get off the table.
Get off.
Get-get-get-get-get.
Okay.
Oh, that was close, though, wasn't it? Okay, Elliot, come on.
Oh, man, I've lost my magic touch here.
- Oh! - Mike, don't worry.
I'm only down 21 cents.
I can get back in this game.
Elliot, hurry, come on.
- Mike, don't worry! - Okay.
You tell me when I should worry.
Touchdown! Yeah! Hey, all right.
[birds calling, dogs barking.]
Hey, uh, halftime.
Okay, why don't you go in the other room, play with Carla.
Okay? - Okay.
- All right? That was great, though.
That was great, man.
That kick went boom! Right there.
It almost killed him.
- [kissing.]
- Dad-- Thanks, Carla.
Oh, Elliot, I really wanted this to work.
You know, I really thought this could work.
Mike, come on.
We're just a little slow getting out of the gate.
No, no, Elliot.
We're not slow getting out of the gate.
We're dead.
We don't have anything.
No, wait, that's not true, Mike.
We're out of shape.
Don't you understand, Elliot? I don't want this anymore.
I don't want the anger.
I don't want the resentment building up.
- I know.
- Don't you want things to change? - Don't you want to get another job? - Yeah.
Man, this is just what happened before.
This is exactly-- Excuse me, but did I tell you I couldn't stay past 5:00? - You just got here.
- I know, but it's my boyfriend's birthday.
And I'm making him a cake, and we're having a party, and-- And you have to leave at 5:00.
It's okay.
We'll deal with things then.
Thanks, Carla.
Hey, wait a minute.
Weren't they supposed to be home? Maybe traffic was bad.
Well, then they would have called.
[Melissa.]
Oh, we made it.
[owl hooting.]
Well, at least we know where we are.
Okay, okay.
So now we know we can get to the car.
Two miles in total darkness? Well, there's got to be at least a phone around here some-- Try the hut.
Try the hut.
[Melissa.]
Probably just a lot of Betsy Parker brochures.
[door rattling.]
Locked.
No phone.
Oh, come on.
You're telling me we can't get back to the car, and there's no phone? Oh, man! Ethan is going to go nuts.
We have got to figure out a way to get out of here.
Oh, they'll figure it out.
You know what they're going to figure out? That we're dead on the highway is what they're going to figure out.
This is so weird! Oh, you guys, I am so sorry.
This is all my fault, and I am really sorry.
- It's not your fault.
- Of course it's my fault.
I mean, God, I wouldn't go in the cave, I get us lost, now we can't even get back tonight-- - You're all mad, and I-- - No, it's not that we're mad.
It's just something that happened.
You should be mad! My God, I'm a jerk! Don't treat me like I'm some invalid child.
Listen.
Ellyn, we know where we are.
Now, we can either camp out here tonight and wait until the cave opens in the morning, or we can scream at you.
- Which do you want? - I just want you to be honest with me, okay? Okay.
It's your fault.
Does that make you feel better? So the state police swears there aren't any ten-car pile-ups on the Turnpike.
Yeah, well, look.
They've been late before, all right? I mean, we've been this late before.
Yeah.
Probably out telling girl stories.
Shaving their legs or something.
Aren't you supposed to thaw this out first? No.
[Elliot sighs.]
Anyway, Nancy can take care of herself.
- So can Hope.
- Well-- Any more of this? In the freezer.
Hey! Ethan! What's going on, buddy? Come here.
[Elliot.]
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing up? I heard talking.
Where's Mom? - She's not back yet.
- Why? Don't worry.
She'll be back any minute.
Who's going to get me ready for school? I will.
Just like I used to, remember? - Shh, shh.
- Dad? - Yeah? - Who's going to tuck me in? - I will.
- Okay.
Ellyn! Ellyn! I can't believe we didn't hear her go.
Ellyn? Do you think we should wait here, or what? Well, I don't know.
Hey, you guys? I think we ought to start looking around.
I'll take the high road, you take the low road.
Okay.
[Melanie.]
Ellyn! [water dripping.]
Hello? [wind blowing.]
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
It's Betsy Parker.
Oh! Witchface.
Thank God it's you.
You have to pay to come in here.
Of course I do.
Of course I do.
I'm so sorry.
I was just so anxious to, you know, see the sights andhave the fun.
There's the wishing pond.
Would you like to make a wish? No.
You know, I just think I'd like to get on out.
Go ahead.
Everybody has a wish.
Do they? Okay, uh-- [clears throat.]
[coins jingling.]
[splashing.]
So, do you think the Democrats will win in '92? Before we go into the Ruby Cathedral, we usually turn off all the lights.
- Do we? Why do we do that? - You don't mind, do you? No, no, of course not.
I just-- For how long? We do this so that people can imagine what it was like when the first people came through here.
Like Betsy Parker.
Spooky, isn't it? Most people are more afraid of the dark than they thought.
Oh, really? I'm not.
I'm-- Never have been.
Didn't even need a night light when I was little.
My father, he said that night lights bred cowardice, so I didn't have a night-- Thank you, thank you for turning that on.
No, no, I've never really been afraid-- [bat's wings flutter.]
of anything.
Really.
Um, except now.
Now I'm afraid of all sorts of stuff.
I don't know why.
Little stuff.
I mean, not-not normal things, like crime and things.
What is that? That.
- Oh, just a bat.
- Oh, phew.
Just a bat.
No, see.
It's weird.
It's strange things.
Like, situations? You know, situations that you find yourself in, and then you're in them, and, you know? I mean, you know what I mean? Mm, well, never mind.
Never mind.
Um, listen.
Can I ask you a question? These caves.
Do they ever have, like, earthquakes in them? I mean, the walls, do they ever-- The last earthquake around here was in, uh, '38, I think.
- '38.
That's the one.
- A few pictures fell off the walls.
- Oh, just a few.
- Are you feeling okay? - No.
I guess.
- Do you want to go back? No, no.
I don't want to go back.
I can't go back.
I have to go forward.
Because if I just keep going forward, if I just-- just make it through this cave, then I won't have to-- then I-- I won't-- [bat wings flapping.]
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm doing here.
What am I doing here? Huh.
I mean, a cave in the Poconos.
And you know what? I'm feeling really like a terrible person, because I'm afraid to go through it.
Don't you think that that's just a little strange? Cave exploring isn't really my life's calling.
Though I could probably live the next 30 years perfectly fine without even setting foot in a cave.
So-- So why do I feel so terrible? Who am I doing this for? Maybe I did need a night light when I was a little kid.
Is that so terrible? So what? So a lot of kids need night lights.
[Ellyn sighs.]
This is amazing.
Huh! I'm terrified! [laughs.]
I'm-- I'm terrified.
Wh-Why am I telling you this? Oh, why, I don't know, dear.
Uh, does that mean you don't want the rest of the tour? No way.
Get me out of here.
[imitating ogre.]
Uh, yoo-hoo? Where is he? [laughing.]
Where have they got him? Where's that little boy? [roaring.]
[ogre growling.]
There he is! Hey, hey, hey! What are we going to survive on in this secret cave, huh? - We got a cook.
- A cook, what? Who's our cook? - It's Britty.
- Britty.
Britty! Bring out some food! What kind of food? - [Brittany giggling.]
- Uh, waffles.
Bring us waffles! - And beer.
- No way.
Fruit juice.
- [phone ringing.]
- Is Mom back? No, she's not back.
She'll be home real soon, though.
[Michael.]
Oh, hi, baby.
Where you been? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
- Are you okay? - Is Nancy okay? Is everybody all right? Yeah.
They got lost yesterday.
They didn't even get back to the car.
They're not dead, that's good.
Yeah, that is kind of good.
- All right.
- Hey, kids, guess what.
Mom's going to be home real soon.
How about that? - Good, I'm hungry.
- Yeah, me too.
Um, come home.
Yes.
Come home.
Now.
I miss you.
- Get this place straightened up, okay? - Okay.
- All right? Get this place straightened up.
- I love you.
- Drive carefully.
- I want her to be proud of you, okay? - Bye.
- Okay, Dad.
- Come on, help me.
- Don't judge me, Mike.
- I can see the look, man.
I can see the look.
- What look, Elliot? I've been seeing it coming all morning long.
Don't think this is the same old stuff, either, because it's not.
Wait a minute, Elliot.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- We didn't get the work done.
- And why is that, Mike? Have you stopped to think why, or were you too busy counting me out before we got started? I mean, the kids, Mike.
No, my kids, Mike.
My kids.
All right, you don't have this problem, Mike.
But in the old days, if I'd have spent more than two hours with those kids, I'd go crazy.
I mean, I loved them.
And I played with them.
But it was like, "Hey, hey, Nance," you know? "Whoa, whoa, help me out here," you know? "I'm suffocating.
" But that didn't happen here, Mike.
That didn't happen.
The hell with the work.
This isn't about irresponsibility.
I got my kids back.
Oh! What are you guys doing? [chattering.]
[Nancy.]
I just can't wait to get my hair washed.
Oh, man, and a bath? Oh, boy.
Anybody got a penny? [chattering continues.]
Oh, I think I have a penny.
- Oh, a soda machine.
- God.
I'll get one.
So what's it like? Running water? Toilet that flushes? - Not bad.
- It's about the stuff at-- You know, let's just, um-- Ugh.
I mean, this thing with Elliot, it's, uh-- Let's just leave it alone.
I mean, it's complicated, and it's hard for me Actually, I feel better, knowing that I wasn't crazy at the time, imagining-- Oh, let's just leave it alone.
- Sometimes if you bang it on the side-- - It never works.
- It does too.
I do it all the time.
- It doesn't work.
It does-- God, just try it.
The tilt light's going to go on.
- You want something else? - I don't want a different soda.
- Just hit it.
- You hit it.
Oh, God, you're such a wimp.
Ow.
- I'm a wimp? - Yeah, and you're arrogant.
- You're a pain in the butt.
- Yeah? You're too competitive, and you always need to be the boss.
- I do not.
- You do, too.
- I do not! - You do, too! I have to be the boss? I have never been a boss in my whole life.
Yes, you're worse than Michael.
Worse than Michael? I'm afraid so.
Worse that Michael? [both laughing.]
Okay, okay.
Almost as bad.
That's more like it.
- We got blisters.
- True.
[kicks machine, soda bottle drops.]
Yes, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes! Oh, it's filthy.
It's filthy.
That's okay.
So are we.
We're here.
[roaring, laughing.]
[growling, mumbling.]
All hail the Queen of the Universe! [Kids.]
Surprise! Which one of us is the Queen of the Universe? It is that one, the beautiful one with the golden hair.
No! [child.]
Rock 'n' roll, mamma mia! [all chattering.]
Look what you did! And it's a real couch! Heck, I'm on a couch.
Move over.
Move over! Move over, come here.
Come here.
- [groans.]
- Hi.
- Hi, babe.
- You writing a personal ad? So how did it go? Wouldn't you like to know? All right.
Got anything to eat in this joint? Aw, foo.
Where's my daughter? - She's taking a nap.
- Oh, convenient.
[groans.]
Did you read this newspaper for free? - Here she is.
- Look at how beautiful you are.
- Who are you? - She's the Wicked Witch of the Suburbs.
Closed-Captioned By J.
R.
Media Services, Inc.
Burbank, CA And dance by the light of the moon