Todd & the Book of Pure Evil (2010) s02e12 Episode Script
The Toddyssey
This album was recorded in 1982.
Banner year for metal.
They look like they haven't aged a day.
Neither have their haircuts.
What's the matter with you? Oh, I'm just-- Thinking about Nikki.
Have you seen her since the pump and dump? No, she um-- She hasn't called or anything.
I don't know what I did wrong.
At least you know what kinda girl she is.
Yeah, a slut.
Look, these idiots write a song about how the pure evil one can't be a virgin, and then some heavy metal slut shows up out of nowhere, has sex with you and then conveniently disappears? Doesn't that seem like an odd coincidence to you? Sign me up, Miss Dempsey.
Sorry, Zack.
It's track and field, not the Special Olympics.
If you can't stand up, you can't sign up.
Oh can't I.
Well you just proved me wrong.
Um-- I can't stop my legs-- Look, Zack Dumphey's walking! He must have the book! I can't stop my legs! Help meeeee! Ahhhhh! (Energy pulsing) What the hell just happened? Where did Todd go? Dude hit the brakes! I can't! I can't! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! (Alarm sounding) What the hell-- Hey Zack, are you okay? (Groaning) Ooookay.
Hurry up you shit-roosters! We're gonna lose them! He's around here somewhere, find him! (Alarm sounding) Holy shit! Hey, little dude! Where ya been? What the hell is going on?! You'll find out soon enough.
Loser.
(Laughing) Told you he'd be back.
Hey! Hey I just want to talk to you for a second! Where'd you go?! Whack! He's coming to.
What the hell? Jenny?? Gah! Sanddragon? What did you do to her? Wanda? Miss Dempsey? Something isn't right here.
Who are you?! I'm Todd! Duh! Todd Smith! Todd Smith disappeared sixteen years ago.
Sixteen years? That means I must have time traveled! Wicked.
Who are you really?! I told you! I'm Todd! What have I really changed that much? You haven't changed at all.
What are you? A cyborg? Android? Hologram?! If I was a hologram you wouldn't be able to touch me.
Slap! See I'm not a hologram, I'm-- Slap! I told you I'm Todd from the future! No wait, this is the future, I'm from the past, I time traveled here.
Remember that day in the hallway where that paraplegic kid got the book, and I had to jump on his back-- You ran down the hall and never returned.
I remember.
The day everything went to shit.
Spit! Curtis-- Dude what happened to you? You look so old.
It was the corn chips dude.
The corn chips.
All the chemicals prematurely aged me.
(Cough) Where's Hannah and Jimmy? Jimmy died! A long time ago.
He lived as a pervert and he died as a pervert.
All I have left of him are his nunchucks.
And we haven't seen Hannah since the incident.
We don't talk about the incident! Okay, look, I have no idea what's going on around here, but I promise I'll take care of everything.
Yeah.
Sure you will.
But until we find out who you really are, you're gonna be our prisoner.
Our sex prisoner! Please say yes, I'm so tired of the dildos-- No! Normal prisoner! Lock him up.
Wait, where are you taking me?! Stop! Stupid sexy one-eyed Jenny.
She thinks she's in charge of me.
Pffft.
No one's in charge of me except me.
(Struggling) Uhhh! Hey! Shhhh! I'm getting you out of here dude.
The girls are debating whether to torture you, or pleasure you.
Can we wait and see which one they choose? No can do! We gotta get you back to your time.
Curtis, are you gonna tell me what the hell's going on? We're in the middle of a war dude.
A bad war.
The Femme Batales are the last remaining survivors of the resistance.
Who? The Femme Batales! That's what the girls call themselves.
Oh.
Our mission it to topple the satanic society, and overthrow its leader Atticus Murphy.
He must have used the book to do this.
Here's the crazy thing after you disappeared, the book was never seen again.
Weird.
Yeah-- Jenny: Curtis! Where's my dinner?! Dude seriously, you're their "where's my dinner" guy? This is the future Todd.
We use the word "chef.
" There's a secret passage to the school through here.
If you want to find Zack, this is the only way in.
Great but once I find Zack, how do I get back home? Who said anything about you leaving? Ah! Walk away rebel.
With just one him.
Not on my watch minion! Does that mean you don't want-- These? You think you can buy my best friend off with a bag of junk food, you don't know Curtis Weaver-- He's all yours! Dude what the fuck?! You sold me out for a bag of corn chips! I can't help it Todd! I'm a corn hole addict! The future has changed you man.
Who are you to judge me?! I'm this way because of you! I lost everything! Hannah! Important body parts! My boyish good looks.
Dude all I did was jump on some guy's back! How's I supposed to know that this was gonna happen?! You left me Todd! The corn chips didn't.
Sure I can't always find them, but that's because I live under the ground.
I know they're always out there somewhere.
Waiting for me.
Ahhh-- I hope you choke on them.
Spit! (Crying) They're so tasty! They're so tasty! I'm sorry Todd! (Wolf howling) Really? Hello Todd Smith.
So nice to see you again.
Welcome to my lair.
This is your office.
No guidance counselors have offices.
Satanic overlords have lairs.
Aren't you going to congratulate me? On being a crazy asshole? No way.
You can't talk to me like that, Todd Smith.
I'm the big cheese around here.
The cock of the walk.
I'm a big cock.
Wait a second.
There's no way you took over crowley heights all by yourself you're way too stupid.
True.
The first part of what you said is true.
The second part about me being stupid, is stupid.
But you're right.
I did have some help.
Hannah? Hello Todd.
Ew you hooked up with Atticus! Ugh, that- is that the other half of sanddragon lodged in your skull? A little sensitivity please! It's alright sugar dumpling.
I don't mind.
Yes Todd! You're correct.
I do have a sword lodged in my skull! It happened shortly after the three-way with Curtis.
And Jenny.
You guys had a three-way and you didn't invite me? Thanks a lot.
You disappeared! Remember?! Oh So the three-way's the incident nobody wants to talk about.
The three-way happened before the incident.
So then what was the incident? I don't talk about the incident! What I will talk about is the sword in my skull.
You see the blade has permanently damaged my brain's capacity for morality and empathy, transforming me into evil Hannah.
I prefer new and improved Hannah.
Mature Hannah.
Satanic queen Hannah.
(Maniacal laughter) Well enjoy being evil while it lasts, because your days of fear and oppression are ending right now! Is that why you're here? To destroy us? No actually I came here by accident.
We know all about your adventures in time.
I was in the lab examining your friend.
The one with the vibrating legs.
Zack's still alive?? If by alive you mean brain-dead, then yes.
We know that Zack used the book.
We searched him but we couldn't find the book.
Which means you must know where it is.
Uh no I don't.
Liar! Whack! Show us the book Todd! I don't have it.
Whack! If you refuse to cooperate, you leave us no choice but to-- Kill you!!! (Sigh) If we kill him, he can't show us where he hid the book, now can he? Boy you really are stupid.
Let's torture him.
(Maniacal laughter) Oh this work can make a man do terrible things.
I sold out my best friend.
For a bag of corn chips.
So he wasn't working for the society.
He was innocent.
We could have fucked him afterall! Now that the corn chips have been eaten, my guilt has set in in my stomach.
Maybe it's heartburn, maybe it's an ulcer, all I know is I have something in my stomach and it hurts.
What's your point Curtis? We need to go back to the school, rescue Todd and send him back to his time.
Forget it! Not our problem.
Curtis is right, Todd is a good man.
A real man.
Hey! My balls may be made out of tin, but my wiener is only half made out of tin, the other half is rubber.
I'm not going to put my life on the line for some skid.
You're still angry that he had sex with that girl all those years ago-- Her name was Nikki! And no, I'm not.
Besides there are four of us and hundreds of them.
We have to think of our own survival.
What happened to the Femme Batales I once knew?! The ones who were brave and fearless! And had balls! Bigger balls th any man or beast.
I used to affectionately call you my "Femme balls.
" But somehow you let your vaginas take over.
And they smothered your balls to death! And now you're just a bunch of pussies with no balls.
Is anyone else confused? All I can think of are balls-- What the hell are you talking about Curtis?! If we don't stand up to the forces of evil tonight, Atticus will keep winning and we'll keep losing! Don't you want to take revenge on the harlet that took your eye?! Hannah! Come on girls! I need to fuck or fight! Since there's no one to fuck, what do you say commander? One more battle for old time sake? Gather your weapons! We strike at midnight.
Victory! In your face! Yeah! Would you like me to tell how we're gonna torture you? Uh-- I'd prefer it if you didn't? First you're gonna slap me real hard to get me in the mood.
Wrong torture sugar dumpling.
Don't ruin the surprise.
You're right-- All you need to know is we're gonna torture you and you're not gonna like it.
Ahhhhhhh! Minions, attack! Why are you just standing there? Hannah! What you're gonna kill me with a spatula? (Choking) Razor-sharp spatula.
Well-- If it isn't Curtis and Femme Batales.
Where's your leader? Jenny whore-linski.
(Gasp) Right behind you.
Sandragon, nah! You're welcome.
Alright Femme Batales! Time to do your thing.
Our thing! Ahhhhh! You came back for me.
I'm sorry I screwed you dude.
All the corn chips in the world can't replace you Todd.
You think I'm going down that easy? Atticus Murphy Jr.
doesn't go down for anyone that easy.
Now could someone please remove this blade from my back.
What are you waiting for skid? Get out of here! Todd listen-- There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to say anything Jenny.
You want me to stay, because you love me so much.
And I get that but, I gotta fix the future babe.
I was just gonna say-- Don't get yourself killed.
Oh uh-- Okay.
We gotta go get Zack.
He's in the science lab, come on! I missed you Todd.
Come on death! Grab me with your steely claws and drag me into the abyss! I dare you.
I double dare you! Oh, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait-- I had a really bad day and didn't mean to blame it on you.
Let's be friends.
(Gasp) We did it.
We won! That's what you think Jenny.
Say hello to my lazer friend.
You're gonna pay for jamming a sword in my brain cyclops! Got more where that came from sword brain! Ugh! Hannah-- I'm sorry about the incident.
I'm not.
There he is! So how do I do this? Uh, easy! We cut off his legs and yours and then we switch them.
You do it.
How about we don't cut off his legs and I just get on his back? Yeah that could work too.
Hey-- What if this doesn't work and I'm stuck in this future forever? Then we move in together.
We'll get bunk beds.
I was gonna say I'll miss you dude, but I'll see you real soon.
I hope.
I miss the younger me.
Make sure and tell that fuckle-head to lay off the corn chips okay? You got it.
Wow he's really heavy for a paraplegic.
Watch it! Jenny! No!!! Hannah! No! Todd you gotta get back to the present and make sure this future never happens! Go now! Todd wait! I may be totally off on this one but if y r run forwards, you may go forwards in time.
Maybe you should run backwards.
Yeah that's actually a pretty good point.
This tumor's good for something.
I always loved you! You mean as a friend right?! That too! (Energy pulsing) It's sure gonna be lonely-- Here-- In the future.
(Screaming) Slam! Please let me be back.
It sure looks the same-- Better check outside to make sure.
Jimmy? But he looks so young? You double crossed us little dude! Zap! Shit! Zap! Little fucker man! I must've gone too far in the past.
Zap! Shitty.
That loser's locked us out of the school.
You haven't won yet little we'll be waiting for ya.
For as long as it takes.
Yeah suck it! Well, we better get that little twat man.
Jimmy! Nikki? No it couldn't be? Come on let's get out of here.
Zap! Don't think I can babe Yes you can, they are gone.
No I mean I really don't think I can get out f here.
I'm trapped inside.
I told you the book was bad news.
Wait babe, I'm sorry! Oh shit, my ride! What the hell just happened? Where did Todd go? Ahhhhhhhhh! Slam! Ugh-- Hey guys! What the hell just happened? I'll tell you about it later.
Actually it's probably best if I didn't.
Come on.
Hey! Hey I was eating those! Dude trust me you're gonna thank me one day.
What happened to the book? Maybe it got lost somewhere in time.
Banner year for metal.
They look like they haven't aged a day.
Neither have their haircuts.
What's the matter with you? Oh, I'm just-- Thinking about Nikki.
Have you seen her since the pump and dump? No, she um-- She hasn't called or anything.
I don't know what I did wrong.
At least you know what kinda girl she is.
Yeah, a slut.
Look, these idiots write a song about how the pure evil one can't be a virgin, and then some heavy metal slut shows up out of nowhere, has sex with you and then conveniently disappears? Doesn't that seem like an odd coincidence to you? Sign me up, Miss Dempsey.
Sorry, Zack.
It's track and field, not the Special Olympics.
If you can't stand up, you can't sign up.
Oh can't I.
Well you just proved me wrong.
Um-- I can't stop my legs-- Look, Zack Dumphey's walking! He must have the book! I can't stop my legs! Help meeeee! Ahhhhh! (Energy pulsing) What the hell just happened? Where did Todd go? Dude hit the brakes! I can't! I can't! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! (Alarm sounding) What the hell-- Hey Zack, are you okay? (Groaning) Ooookay.
Hurry up you shit-roosters! We're gonna lose them! He's around here somewhere, find him! (Alarm sounding) Holy shit! Hey, little dude! Where ya been? What the hell is going on?! You'll find out soon enough.
Loser.
(Laughing) Told you he'd be back.
Hey! Hey I just want to talk to you for a second! Where'd you go?! Whack! He's coming to.
What the hell? Jenny?? Gah! Sanddragon? What did you do to her? Wanda? Miss Dempsey? Something isn't right here.
Who are you?! I'm Todd! Duh! Todd Smith! Todd Smith disappeared sixteen years ago.
Sixteen years? That means I must have time traveled! Wicked.
Who are you really?! I told you! I'm Todd! What have I really changed that much? You haven't changed at all.
What are you? A cyborg? Android? Hologram?! If I was a hologram you wouldn't be able to touch me.
Slap! See I'm not a hologram, I'm-- Slap! I told you I'm Todd from the future! No wait, this is the future, I'm from the past, I time traveled here.
Remember that day in the hallway where that paraplegic kid got the book, and I had to jump on his back-- You ran down the hall and never returned.
I remember.
The day everything went to shit.
Spit! Curtis-- Dude what happened to you? You look so old.
It was the corn chips dude.
The corn chips.
All the chemicals prematurely aged me.
(Cough) Where's Hannah and Jimmy? Jimmy died! A long time ago.
He lived as a pervert and he died as a pervert.
All I have left of him are his nunchucks.
And we haven't seen Hannah since the incident.
We don't talk about the incident! Okay, look, I have no idea what's going on around here, but I promise I'll take care of everything.
Yeah.
Sure you will.
But until we find out who you really are, you're gonna be our prisoner.
Our sex prisoner! Please say yes, I'm so tired of the dildos-- No! Normal prisoner! Lock him up.
Wait, where are you taking me?! Stop! Stupid sexy one-eyed Jenny.
She thinks she's in charge of me.
Pffft.
No one's in charge of me except me.
(Struggling) Uhhh! Hey! Shhhh! I'm getting you out of here dude.
The girls are debating whether to torture you, or pleasure you.
Can we wait and see which one they choose? No can do! We gotta get you back to your time.
Curtis, are you gonna tell me what the hell's going on? We're in the middle of a war dude.
A bad war.
The Femme Batales are the last remaining survivors of the resistance.
Who? The Femme Batales! That's what the girls call themselves.
Oh.
Our mission it to topple the satanic society, and overthrow its leader Atticus Murphy.
He must have used the book to do this.
Here's the crazy thing after you disappeared, the book was never seen again.
Weird.
Yeah-- Jenny: Curtis! Where's my dinner?! Dude seriously, you're their "where's my dinner" guy? This is the future Todd.
We use the word "chef.
" There's a secret passage to the school through here.
If you want to find Zack, this is the only way in.
Great but once I find Zack, how do I get back home? Who said anything about you leaving? Ah! Walk away rebel.
With just one him.
Not on my watch minion! Does that mean you don't want-- These? You think you can buy my best friend off with a bag of junk food, you don't know Curtis Weaver-- He's all yours! Dude what the fuck?! You sold me out for a bag of corn chips! I can't help it Todd! I'm a corn hole addict! The future has changed you man.
Who are you to judge me?! I'm this way because of you! I lost everything! Hannah! Important body parts! My boyish good looks.
Dude all I did was jump on some guy's back! How's I supposed to know that this was gonna happen?! You left me Todd! The corn chips didn't.
Sure I can't always find them, but that's because I live under the ground.
I know they're always out there somewhere.
Waiting for me.
Ahhh-- I hope you choke on them.
Spit! (Crying) They're so tasty! They're so tasty! I'm sorry Todd! (Wolf howling) Really? Hello Todd Smith.
So nice to see you again.
Welcome to my lair.
This is your office.
No guidance counselors have offices.
Satanic overlords have lairs.
Aren't you going to congratulate me? On being a crazy asshole? No way.
You can't talk to me like that, Todd Smith.
I'm the big cheese around here.
The cock of the walk.
I'm a big cock.
Wait a second.
There's no way you took over crowley heights all by yourself you're way too stupid.
True.
The first part of what you said is true.
The second part about me being stupid, is stupid.
But you're right.
I did have some help.
Hannah? Hello Todd.
Ew you hooked up with Atticus! Ugh, that- is that the other half of sanddragon lodged in your skull? A little sensitivity please! It's alright sugar dumpling.
I don't mind.
Yes Todd! You're correct.
I do have a sword lodged in my skull! It happened shortly after the three-way with Curtis.
And Jenny.
You guys had a three-way and you didn't invite me? Thanks a lot.
You disappeared! Remember?! Oh So the three-way's the incident nobody wants to talk about.
The three-way happened before the incident.
So then what was the incident? I don't talk about the incident! What I will talk about is the sword in my skull.
You see the blade has permanently damaged my brain's capacity for morality and empathy, transforming me into evil Hannah.
I prefer new and improved Hannah.
Mature Hannah.
Satanic queen Hannah.
(Maniacal laughter) Well enjoy being evil while it lasts, because your days of fear and oppression are ending right now! Is that why you're here? To destroy us? No actually I came here by accident.
We know all about your adventures in time.
I was in the lab examining your friend.
The one with the vibrating legs.
Zack's still alive?? If by alive you mean brain-dead, then yes.
We know that Zack used the book.
We searched him but we couldn't find the book.
Which means you must know where it is.
Uh no I don't.
Liar! Whack! Show us the book Todd! I don't have it.
Whack! If you refuse to cooperate, you leave us no choice but to-- Kill you!!! (Sigh) If we kill him, he can't show us where he hid the book, now can he? Boy you really are stupid.
Let's torture him.
(Maniacal laughter) Oh this work can make a man do terrible things.
I sold out my best friend.
For a bag of corn chips.
So he wasn't working for the society.
He was innocent.
We could have fucked him afterall! Now that the corn chips have been eaten, my guilt has set in in my stomach.
Maybe it's heartburn, maybe it's an ulcer, all I know is I have something in my stomach and it hurts.
What's your point Curtis? We need to go back to the school, rescue Todd and send him back to his time.
Forget it! Not our problem.
Curtis is right, Todd is a good man.
A real man.
Hey! My balls may be made out of tin, but my wiener is only half made out of tin, the other half is rubber.
I'm not going to put my life on the line for some skid.
You're still angry that he had sex with that girl all those years ago-- Her name was Nikki! And no, I'm not.
Besides there are four of us and hundreds of them.
We have to think of our own survival.
What happened to the Femme Batales I once knew?! The ones who were brave and fearless! And had balls! Bigger balls th any man or beast.
I used to affectionately call you my "Femme balls.
" But somehow you let your vaginas take over.
And they smothered your balls to death! And now you're just a bunch of pussies with no balls.
Is anyone else confused? All I can think of are balls-- What the hell are you talking about Curtis?! If we don't stand up to the forces of evil tonight, Atticus will keep winning and we'll keep losing! Don't you want to take revenge on the harlet that took your eye?! Hannah! Come on girls! I need to fuck or fight! Since there's no one to fuck, what do you say commander? One more battle for old time sake? Gather your weapons! We strike at midnight.
Victory! In your face! Yeah! Would you like me to tell how we're gonna torture you? Uh-- I'd prefer it if you didn't? First you're gonna slap me real hard to get me in the mood.
Wrong torture sugar dumpling.
Don't ruin the surprise.
You're right-- All you need to know is we're gonna torture you and you're not gonna like it.
Ahhhhhhh! Minions, attack! Why are you just standing there? Hannah! What you're gonna kill me with a spatula? (Choking) Razor-sharp spatula.
Well-- If it isn't Curtis and Femme Batales.
Where's your leader? Jenny whore-linski.
(Gasp) Right behind you.
Sandragon, nah! You're welcome.
Alright Femme Batales! Time to do your thing.
Our thing! Ahhhhh! You came back for me.
I'm sorry I screwed you dude.
All the corn chips in the world can't replace you Todd.
You think I'm going down that easy? Atticus Murphy Jr.
doesn't go down for anyone that easy.
Now could someone please remove this blade from my back.
What are you waiting for skid? Get out of here! Todd listen-- There's something I have to tell you.
You don't have to say anything Jenny.
You want me to stay, because you love me so much.
And I get that but, I gotta fix the future babe.
I was just gonna say-- Don't get yourself killed.
Oh uh-- Okay.
We gotta go get Zack.
He's in the science lab, come on! I missed you Todd.
Come on death! Grab me with your steely claws and drag me into the abyss! I dare you.
I double dare you! Oh, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait-- I had a really bad day and didn't mean to blame it on you.
Let's be friends.
(Gasp) We did it.
We won! That's what you think Jenny.
Say hello to my lazer friend.
You're gonna pay for jamming a sword in my brain cyclops! Got more where that came from sword brain! Ugh! Hannah-- I'm sorry about the incident.
I'm not.
There he is! So how do I do this? Uh, easy! We cut off his legs and yours and then we switch them.
You do it.
How about we don't cut off his legs and I just get on his back? Yeah that could work too.
Hey-- What if this doesn't work and I'm stuck in this future forever? Then we move in together.
We'll get bunk beds.
I was gonna say I'll miss you dude, but I'll see you real soon.
I hope.
I miss the younger me.
Make sure and tell that fuckle-head to lay off the corn chips okay? You got it.
Wow he's really heavy for a paraplegic.
Watch it! Jenny! No!!! Hannah! No! Todd you gotta get back to the present and make sure this future never happens! Go now! Todd wait! I may be totally off on this one but if y r run forwards, you may go forwards in time.
Maybe you should run backwards.
Yeah that's actually a pretty good point.
This tumor's good for something.
I always loved you! You mean as a friend right?! That too! (Energy pulsing) It's sure gonna be lonely-- Here-- In the future.
(Screaming) Slam! Please let me be back.
It sure looks the same-- Better check outside to make sure.
Jimmy? But he looks so young? You double crossed us little dude! Zap! Shit! Zap! Little fucker man! I must've gone too far in the past.
Zap! Shitty.
That loser's locked us out of the school.
You haven't won yet little we'll be waiting for ya.
For as long as it takes.
Yeah suck it! Well, we better get that little twat man.
Jimmy! Nikki? No it couldn't be? Come on let's get out of here.
Zap! Don't think I can babe Yes you can, they are gone.
No I mean I really don't think I can get out f here.
I'm trapped inside.
I told you the book was bad news.
Wait babe, I'm sorry! Oh shit, my ride! What the hell just happened? Where did Todd go? Ahhhhhhhhh! Slam! Ugh-- Hey guys! What the hell just happened? I'll tell you about it later.
Actually it's probably best if I didn't.
Come on.
Hey! Hey I was eating those! Dude trust me you're gonna thank me one day.
What happened to the book? Maybe it got lost somewhere in time.