True Jackson, VP (2008) s02e12 Episode Script

True Jackson, VP was filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Yes.
Ryan, what are you doing? Making a billion dollars.
Ooh, can I have half? Sure.
How are you making a billion dollars? People make a fortune inventing games.
I've got a great one.
A number of players sit in a circle.
Another player who is 'it' walks around the circle touching each on the head.
You're with me so far? So far.
Okay, as he touches them on the head, he says cheese, but whenever he wants he can say baloney, then that person jumps up and chases him around the circle.
Isn't that duck, duck, goose? Oh, yeah.
Man, I'm never gonna be a billionaire.
Then we have a problem because you still owe me half a billion.
Ryan, why do you care so much about money? I don't always wanna be the jerk in my family.
My brother's in business school, and I can barely afford gum.
Do you know how embarrassing that is, having to ask your parents for gum money? What set this off? He's coming to town.
Stu's coming to town? Yep, I mean, I love the guy, but I sure wish he'd fail and let somebody else be dad's favorite for a change.
Eef notchko barnushk.
What does that mean? It's viking for staff meeting.
I'm learning viking.
It's a hobby.
Thanks, Oscar.
Why would vikings need to know how to say staff meeting? Good morning, everyone.
We have a lot to accomplish today, so Kopelman, what is that? Did you go to the hairdresser? Kopelman, you look like a woman, a sad, silly woman with a beard.
Dye it back now.
Sorry about that, people.
As I was saying true, you have a question? No, sir.
Why are you smiling like that? It's Kopelman's hairdo, isn't it? No, sir.
I know what today is.
You do? I suppose you know too? Of course.
It's your birthday.
It is? I mean, Happy Birthday.
Do you have anything fun planned? I do not.
No party? No.
No cake? No.
No presents? Absolutely not.
In fact if anyone gets me a present I'll throw it off the roof.
Then, I'll go downstairs, get in my car and run it over.
Then, I'll set it on fire, scoop up the ashes and throw them in the East River.
Then I'll rent a plane Mr.
Madigan That seems kind of ungracious.
I've reached a point in my life where I don't want to pretend that I like things that I don't.
The truth is I've never been given a gift I like.
Mr.
Madigan, eesh kravnush dinashko.
Ah, thank you, Oscar, I'll be right there.
Do you speak viking? Uh, glerble glerble.
I'll be right back, everyone.
So, what are you giving him? Who? Mr.
Madigan, for his birthday.
Weren't you listening? The man doesn't want presents.
That's what my mom always says too.
But, heaven help you if you don't get her something, anyway.
One time my dad just got her a card and she was all, give me some jewelry you cheap son of a sailor.
It's not as harsh as it sounds.
My grandfather was a sailor.
From my head to my toes it's all real and you know fresh and cool it's just what I do t-r-u-e j-a-c-k-s-o-n v-p working at a grown-up job I never really knew I could work this hard just used to sit at home and watch tv now I'm in an office as the new vp I'm always setting trends with my two best friends when things get out of hand we have a plan we're just messin' around and we're makin' new ground for the whole wide world to see if you see us in town you know it's goin' down 'cause I'm the new vp Fragile.
Should probably label this.
Perfect.
Hey, Jimmy.
What sort of gift do you think Mr.
Madigan would like for his birthday? I don't think he wants a gift.
Sure he does.
Not according to this memo titled "no gifts," subject line "I'm not kidding," signed, "I'm serious," p.
s.
I mean it.
Well, you're his nephew.
Doesn't he get gifts from his family? No.
When I was 10 I gave him a statue made out of macaroni and he made me eat it.
I pooped glitter for three months.
Anyway, let's say I was going to get him a gift.
What do you think he'd like? Well, not macaroni art or a fruit-sicle-stick log cabin.
Still waiting for that one to come out.
Be polite.
What would you want if it was your birthday? Well, there's that new oversized book on whales that just came out.
It costs like a hundred bucks.
Really, you like whales? No, I'd just return it and get a hundred bucks.
Then, I'd buy something I really want, like a book on bears.
Be polite.
Oscar, are you getting Max a gift? I was going to, but he said if I did, he'd bounce it off my head like a basketball.
Well, I'm getting him something, something of great personal significance.
Oh, what? I have no idea.
I was hoping you had a suggestion.
Why don't you get him an english-to-viking dictionary? The man's viking is embarrassing.
True is always the teacher's pet.
I want to be the teacher's pet.
Oh, that's it.
I'll get him an apple.
You know, how the teacher's pet always brings the teacher an apple? You're going to give Mr.
Madigan an apple for his birthday? Not just any apple.
A solid gold apple.
There he is.
Love those shoes.
How's the weather up there? How are you doing? I'm looking for my brother.
And he would be Ryan.
I'm his big bro, stu laserbeam.
Oh, really? I didn't think that was Ryan's actual last name.
Oh sure.
Story goes they gave it to our great grandfather when he first arrived in America.
Name? From this point on, your name will be Jones.
Your name will be Smith.
And your name will be laserbeam.
Laserbeam? Yes, Willy flapdoodle laserbeam.
But why? Next.
Jones, Mrs.
Jones.
I haven't seen your brother.
Sometimes, he goes to the roof to count pigeons.
He's convinced there's no more than 20 in the entire city.
Yeah, I told him that when we were kids.
True.
Lulu.
Hey, we heard you were coming to town.
Yeah, Ryan's been complaining all morning About when you'll finally get here.
That's how looking forward to seeing you he is.
Of course, he is.
I'm his hero.
Like what's his name? Wolverine.
Hey stu, can I ask you a question? It's my boss's birthday today.
Any ideas of what I should get him? I've nothing but ideas.
Does he like chutney? I don't even know what that is? It's a fruity sauce.
It goes on lamb chops.
It's delicious.
You can't stop eating it.
If you can't find that get him a small ceramic dog.
Makes you happy all day.
You're welcome.
Those magazines up for grabs? You guys are never going to believe it.
I counted 21 pigeons on the roof.
Someone must have had a baby.
There he is.
Oh, hey st Oh, hey st Come here, you.
Oh, I like your watch.
I am not wearing a watch.
I know.
A kid can't afford gum, how's he gonna buy a watch.
I think it's cool that Ryan doesn't wear a watch.
Yeah, he's all, I don't know what time it is.
Okay, bro, come on, let's grab some lunch.
What's the fanciest place in a 10-block radius? Well, there's finique, but I think you need reservations.
Really? If the president walked in, could they find him a table? Well, probably I've got news for them.
The president's in prague.
We'll take his table.
He's colorful.
Poor Ryan's always been in his shadow.
Tell me about it.
My older brother works at the Pentagon.
Wow, what's he do there? He's a receptionist.
Hey, I got a lead on a gift for Uncle Max.
I was reading some of his mail Wait, you're allowed to read other people's mail? Well, the average person can't, but I'm an officer of the mail room.
Anyway, he's been getting postcards from utica saying Uncle cheswick is okay.
Who's Uncle cheswick? I don't know, but he lives in utica, and he's okay.
But if Mr.
Madigan is your Uncle, wouldn't you know his Uncle.
We've got a crazy big family.
I've got 17 first cousins, six of them are named Jeff and one of them is korean.
I don't know what's going on.
Hey, we should arrange for Uncle cheswick to come to the city.
That would be a great gift.
Yeah, we could get him reservations at finique.
They could sit at the president's table.
He's in prague.
Here's cheswick's phone number.
Thanks, Jimmy.
Hey, you don't read my mail, do you? Of course, not.
Oh, by the way, that girl you met at camp last summer got a dog.
Two, we have a reservation.
Name? Hamilton.
Henderson? Yes.
Hamilton j.
Henderson the banker.
And this is skippy j.
Nobody, the village idiot.
Play along.
What? Perfect.
Right this way? Too slow.
I hope they have escargot here.
You know what that is? Snails.
True story.
You eat snails? Not really.
Mostly, I just line them up on my plate and pretend they're having races.
Then I grab a bite somewhere else.
Classy move.
I know, right? Hey, remember when we used to go out to restaurants with mom and dad and we'd do this.
Sorry.
Hey, Oscar, did Uncle cheswick get here yet? Not yet.
Who's that? Another one of your kooky relatives.
No, just a little gift for Mr.
Madigan.
I bet it's not half as good as mine.
Well, too bad, you can't go in on it with me.
The golden apple is from me and me alone.
By the way, Amanda, here's the bill for that thing.
I take it back.
Who wants it? Tall guy? Blondie? So, how's life in business school? Actually, about that I've got some news, big news.
Let me guess.
They're making you valedictorian.
Bigger.
You're winning some sort of genius award? Bigger.
They're naming a building after you.
I'm dropping out.
What? Sorry.
What? Just wasn't feeling it.
But that's all you've ever wanted to do.
I can't explain it.
All these business guys would come in and lecture, and they all had fancy suits and nice watches, but none of them seemed happy.
So, what do you wanna do? Really want to be an artist.
What? Do mom and dad know? I can't believe it.
I'm not going to be dad's biggest disappointment.
Cake for everybody.
Why didn't Mr.
Madigan's Uncle want to meet us upstairs? Who knows? True Jackson? Uncle cheswick.
No, Sonny klankman.
Uncle cheswick's around the corner.
You can't miss him.
He's wearing a plaid hat.
Okay.
I'll be back to pick him up at 4:00.
Thanks.
Is it me or does Sonny klankman look like a retired pirate? My Uncle Troy wore an eye patch one year for Halloween, but he put it over his good eye.
He kept walking around saying "who said that? Who said that? " And then tripped over a Pumpkin.
Let's find this guy.
Uncle cheswick.
Uncle cheswick.
Hey, true.
Yeah.
Found Uncle cheswick.
Please tell me Uncle cheswick is behind that big horse wearing the plaid hat.
- Uncle cheswick is a horse? - Jimmy was right.
He does have a weird family.
What is Mr.
Madigan gonna do with a horse in the city? I don't know.
Maybe they could take a carriage ride.
Those things are driven by horses.
So what? I took a cab yesterday driven by a person.
You didn't see me getting all bent out of shape.
This is not good.
At least, he seems really gentle.
Oh, oh.
Is that thing eating my hair? No, no, no.
Just wear this hat.
Perfect, just perfect.
What do you think? If you're asking me if you remind me of an evil fairy-tale witch, then no.
Polish it, troll.
Hey Oscar, can you show me where the girls' room is? You know where it is.
I forget and it's, sort of an emergency.
I don't wanna get gross, but I ate a plate of seafood I found on the bus.
Lulu, no.
Come with me.
Come on, boy.
Let's go hide in my office.
Come on.
No, no, no, no, don't eat that, don't eat that.
Uh-huh.
Come on, Uncle c.
Hey Mr.
Madigan, how's it going? True, I suspect you're getting me a gift.
And I just wanted to underscore how much I don't want one.
Right, but what if it was a great gift? Like a visit from, oh, I don't know, you're favorite horse.
My favorite horse? A rich guy like you must have had a favorite horse some time or another.
No.
I had one horse many years ago, Uncle cheswick.
I'll bet you miss that old horse, huh? Not at all.
That Chestnut was insane.
That's not an expression, he was literally insane.
Uh-huh.
And mean.
He used to eat people's hair.
He still does.
I mean, he still does live on in your memory.
You paint such a vivid picture and all.
Look, as much as I love to stay and chat, I've got to go to the bathroom.
I'll licked the bottom of my shoe on a dare.
True, no.
Oscar, have you seen anything weird? Well, I once saw a performance of "west side story" performed by dolphins.
It was at the aquarium.
I meant something more along the lines of, I don't know.
Lulu riding a horse through the halls? No.
But you know what is weird? A minute ago, there was a golden apple on my counter and now it's gone.
There he is, pants guy.
And this one's a lady.
Why are you so happy, Ryan? You're never gonna believe it.
Stu dropped out of business school.
Really? Yep, and my dad is gonna be totally upset.
This is the best day of my life.
Well, I can't really talk.
I'm looking for a horse.
I'm sorry, what? He's in the break room.
What's wrong? I broke a nail.
Really, your nails look perfect.
No, no, not today.
It was a month ago.
But I'm still haunted by the memory.
Sit down, I'll tell you about it.
Jimmy.
Hey, true have you seen Lulu? No.
How about a horse? A horse? A horse.
No.
I'm in big trouble.
You know, I was gonna get Uncle cheswick to come visit Mr.
Madigan, well it turns out that Uncle cheswick where is my golden apple? This is a very weird day at mad style.
Oscar said that my gift for Max has been stolen.
Well, I haven't seen it.
Why do you look so suspicious, are you hiding something? Yes.
I sense that you're hiding something.
I just said that.
Well, spill it, moppet.
Here is the thing, so I went to hold that thought.
Lulu, where is Uncle cheswick.
Not sure.
But, I'm thinking maybe this way.
Ryan, have you seen Mr.
Madigan's horse run by here? What did it look like? It looks like a horse.
Yeah, I think I saw it.
You all right? No.
It's a whole stu thing.
It's creating a whole bunch of I think they're called emotions.
Mind if I talk about it a little? Yeah, sure.
Whatever you need.
Gotta go, see you later.
Good afternoon, Ryan.
What's so good about it? Well, for one thing, the production of "manatee of la mancha" I financed was nominated for a sea Tony.
What are you so grunty about? I'm grunty because my whole life I've waited for my brother to fail, so that I could be top dog.
Today, it finally happened.
And you're upset because? I don't know, it couldn't be more prefect.
He is dropping out of business school to be an artist, my dad's gonna lose it, but instead of being psyched, I'm feeling bad for my brother.
It's called empathy, son.
Means you're a good person.
And if it's any consolation, I'm sure your father will understand.
Mm-hmm, you don't know my father.
He is Mr.
serious.
Well, I know the type.
Is your father like that? No, he was a professional clown, and I had a great childhood.
We owned a camel, ate cotton candy for dinner, I can relate.
It doesn't sound like you can relate at all.
The day I told my father, I didn't want to be a clown was the most painful day of my life.
I remember real tears streaming down over the fake tear painted on his face.
He said, no son of his was gonna wear a suit to work and refused to pay for business school.
I guess, you can relate because there is no way my dad is paying for art school.
It's gonna be a mess.
That's very generous sir, but no way.
This check could change his life.
You don't even know him.
Well, I'd like to think I've changed the lives of lots of people I don't know.
Okay, but Ryan, the ability to help people is a gift.
If I can help your brother follow his dreams, it'll be the best gift you could give me.
I don't know.
It's my birthday, son.
Take the check.
You got life pretty figured out, don't you? Well, I don't like to brag, but there is not much that gets past me these days.
Uncle cheswick.
Surprise.
We're sorry, Mr.
Madigan.
True only wanted to make your day special.
By bringing a homicidal horse into my office.
This is a terrible gift.
We're sorry Mr.
Madigan.
There must be something about this horse you like.
I assure you, there is not a single thing I like about this beast.
Is that a golden apple? Ha ha, Holy kittens.
We're going to keep this horse.
What do you think Mr.
Madigan is gonna do when he realizes that horse can't poop gold.
Probably get that old pirate to come and bring him back to his farm.
Ladies.
Where were you? Just getting this t-shirt made.
Dad's favorite? Yeah, I had ten of 'em made, one for every day of the week.
Have you talked to your dad yet? No.
But it's gonna be great when I do, he'll be all, "boy, your brother turned out be a disappointment, let's go get some gum, pal.
" Is stu good in art? Is anybody? My mom made us go bnd see a performance artist one time.
The guy put a banana on his head for 20 minutes.
Who knows how much longer it would have gone on if my dad didn't run up and smack it off? Ladies.
Stu, what are you doing here? Just came by to give you this.
A handful of sweaty confetti.
It's that check from your boss.
You aren't going to art school, after all? Oh, I'm going and you'll never believe who is paying, dad.
Dad who? Our dad.
It turns out, he loves art.
He has been secretly sculpting for years.
He has got a studio hidden in the attic.
We have an attic? Where did you think the stairs went to, genius? I don't know, I'm not an architect.
Never seen a man so happy than when I told him, I didn't think he'd ever stop hugging me.
Great.
Hey, you know, now that I'm an artist, something I'm not gonna need.
You want my watch? Yeah, thanks.
Just don't wear it in the rain, it will turn your wrist green.
It will turn your wrist green? Well, this just keeps getting better.
If it's cool with you stu, let's not tell Mr.
Madigan about the check.
He was really happy he could do something nice.
Sure, but I'd still like to thank him, where is he? He went out for a late lunch with his Uncle.
May I help you? I think he's coming down with something.