Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s02e12 Episode Script
Kimmy Sees a Sunset!
1 My mother's dead! She's dead! But that's Bambi.
I got off on a tangent.
You asked about my mom.
Lori-Ann Schmidt.
Well, she was fun.
She wore tube tops, tube bottoms, tube socks.
The only hot breakfast I ever got was the morning she crashed our house into a Denny's.
But the thing that really raisined my cookie was her addiction.
Bah, I knew it! What was it? Pills? No, more dirtbaggy.
Underdeveloped ears, facial trapezoidism huffing.
Roller coasters.
- What now? - My mom's a coasterhead.
She's addicted to riding roller coasters.
She what? That is dumb! I mean, would you care tlaborade? O.
M.
gosh.
Dr.
Bayden, have you been day-drinking? No, this is tea.
That's not okay.
Fine, whatever.
I'm better at this when I drink.
It's like playing darts or driving a Zamboni or running away from a Zamboni you can't stop.
Hey, who breakthroughed you on that mom stuff? Not Joggy McExercise here.
And if it makes you feel better, I can still say things like, "How has your relationship with your mother affected your current relationships?" Boo-ya! Look, Ahn-drea Ugh, I'm not British.
It's Ann-drea.
I grew up in Metuchen.
Exit ten! Go, Bulldogs! That's our time, and I think we've made some really good progress today.
So enough talking.
You're coming out with me! No, I have to work tonight.
Perfect, 'cause you just accepted my ride.
That's mine! When did you take that? I don't remember.
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes? My penis infection spread to my face.
Just picking up my last paycheck.
Ugh, Titus, I envy you.
I wish I had the courage to quit.
Quitters are America's unsung heroes.
Without us, we'd probably still be going to the moon.
It's just rocks, Rick.
We got plenty of rocks down here.
And there's so much production in New York right now.
That must be great for you.
It's amazing.
All that free food if you just pretend you're part of the crew? No, I mean, you must be auditioning like crazy.
I've been busy.
You know, getting my 14 hours every night and going to the Jim Gaffigan Show craft service table.
Titus, you've got to get out there.
Tomorrow there's an open call for a musical production of Mahogany starring Dionne Warwick.
What? Why didn't her psychic network tell me that was coming? I spoke to them yesterday, and all they said was, someone with a letter in their name would tell me something.
Your name has letters.
Kimmy, five stars, picking up Russ.
Kimmy? Since when do you have red hair? Jacqueline? But you're going by Russ? Someone just put the "neato" in "incognito"! I didn't order the car.
Russ is the man I've spent the past few weeks pursuing.
He's just finishing up a phone call.
No, no, no, Jerry, you push those people out of their homes, I'll push your wife's wedding ring out of my ass! Wow.
He knows someone named Jerry.
You think I don't know he's disgusting? Well, you're the reason I'm with a bald pro bono property rights lawyer and his BlackBerry.
Me? What did I do? You tricked me into thinking I could be a better person, and now I'm completely broke.
I need that walking trust fund to put a baby in me before it has a heart attack.
Seriously? So you're right back where you started.
Oh, I don't want to hear it from you.
I finally have Russ to myself for a night.
We're going to his hotel room, and I'm gonna seal the deal.
Ugh.
I hope he's one of those Jews who does it through a sheet.
Not so tough now, are you, Grandma? Who is that? Is she prettier than me? I love how sweaty you get doing your job.
It's like you're a professional athlete.
Oh, it's the developer calling from Moscow.
Oh, my God.
You're hilarious.
Hello, Dimitri.
Let me start by saying your people murdered my grandparents.
I think your fever broke.
Thank God.
I was hallucinating last night.
I don't say this enough, but I'm really glad you're not a giant crab.
Oh.
I should have been a doctor.
I look amazing in white, my handwriting is terrible, and I love telling people to take their pants off and just leaving and then making them sit there for an hour.
Maybe this is why I haven't been thinking about work.
I'd rather be with you.
And when you were away at that construction convention, I was just too sad to sing.
ConCon is usually so fun, but I was away from you, and Tony DaGrammo wore the same costume as me.
Tony DaGrammo was silicone joint sealant? That bitch.
He did it on purpose.
You got an audition tomorrow.
Shouldn't you be getting ready? Mm, but Titus likes it here.
I don't want to get you sick, bro.
Fine.
But FYI, I only get sick on the dance floor.
Because the flashing lights and the spinning.
- Shall we order champagne? - Jacqueline! You followed me to my hotel room.
Wow.
Russ, I know your phone is fascinating, but what about these? I, uh All right, thank you so much, but please don't do that.
Oh, sorry.
That was my ex-husband's thing.
Look, Jacqueline, I had fun tonight, I really did, and I'm sorry I was on the phone so much.
Well, we're here now, and that room has a bed.
For sleeping or porking.
Believe me, there's nothing more I'd like to do.
Your lady parts are top-notch.
I'm not great with women.
I find that they tend to only be interested in my money.
Well, obviously that's not the case with me.
I gave away a $12 million painting without a fight.
And you saw my apartment.
Yeah, it looked like you were moving out.
I was moving in.
You should see it all finished.
I have a hundred chairs! I'm sorry, I've been burned before.
And I was recently engaged to what turned out to be a hologram controlled by a Turkish hacker.
I just need to take it slow.
G'day, mate.
It's Russ, you know.
Right.
Oh, crikey! You call that a knife? Outback Steakhouse? All right, then.
Good morning, Andrea.
Oh, God, was that your bed? Do you by any chance know where I put my keys, phone, shoes, or NuvaRing? Well, I know you threw your keys in the river to protest racism.
That's why I brought you back here.
Kimmy, I am so sorry that you got dragged into Night Andrea's idiocy again.
Yeah, it wasn't entirely a night thing.
You were already drunk during our session yesterday.
Damn it! I run marathons.
I went to medical school.
I speak fluent Italian.
You do? Explain this.
They're the Mario brothers, right? But one of them is named Mario.
Does that mean his name is Mario Mario? Why can't I hold it together? I'm gonna have to go away.
- Where? - To a conference.
"Conference" is therapist code for rehab.
Like how, "Oh, interesting, go on," is code for, "I hate you and your stupid life.
" How long will you be gone? A while, because it's not just rehab.
First there's the bender, then rehab, then getting kicked out of rehab for "using sex and threats of violence to obtain cooking wine," then more drinking, back into a different rehab, and finally a two-week surf camp with a bunch of recent divorcées.
It's a process.
You're the one who said I have a fear of abandonment, and now you're just gonna leave me? We haven't even gotten to my fear of Velcro! You're afraid of Nope.
I will refer you to a colleague, and the two of you No, I'm not starting over.
Maybe there's something I can do.
I said I was gonna help you too, but all I've done so far is talk about myself.
So let's fix you.
Why'd you start drinking yesterday? No, I am not getting into this with you.
I have got to start wrapping things up with my other patients, and then it's bender time.
Winter is tricky, because if you pass out in a snowbank, you lose another toe.
Um, Titus, are you feeling okay? Five, six, seven, eight! Trident Gum is the chewiest gum Give it to your friends and chew it with your teeth Your teeth are bones that live outside They hang from your lips like bats Oh, outside bones, outside bones Never forget that teeth are outside bones They're bones that you wash and when you're a kid They fall from your head And to make things less weird we say they got stolen By a demon that your parents know Trident! In lieu of my usual audition piece, that was a jingle for gum I just made up.
Well, that was my worst audition ever.
Nope.
You said this was blanks! There he is! Titus Andromedon! Hello, Norman.
What are you here for, the elder abuse PSA? Listen to this: No! Norman, I just had the second worst audition of my life.
Third.
I forgot about the one that turned out to be a Japanese prank show and they shot me into the ocean on a toilet.
Well, keep your head up, son.
Me, 50 years in the biz, best year ever.
I played another Law & Order corpse.
Faceup this time.
And I almost got Man Struggling With Regular Pot in an infomercial.
Oh, my God.
Hey, do you have a head shot on you? My improv team is looking for a second person.
Sir, I am sick, and you mention improv? Hey, if you hear about anything I'd be good for, you pass this along.
And I'll do the same for you.
You'll notice one of my special skills is ending conversations, so Lillian! How was the bulldozer? Oh, terrible.
Turns out, the way I was handcuffed to it didn't actually stop anybody from using it.
Come on, I'm trying to take a nap! So as soon as I pooped out the key, I hit the bricks.
What a disaster! Boy, you're probably in a rush to shower, huh? Not so much.
What are you whoring up for? I have a plan to stop my therapist from drinking, and it starts with getting her drunk.
All good plans do.
Cough, sniffle, sneeze.
Oh, no.
Are you sick? Mikey was sick, so I took care of him, even though I had an audition.
What was I thinking? Kimmy, where have you been? I need your help, and I deleted your phone number when I was mad at you.
You know, before I went into the bunker, people knew each other's phone numbers.
Thanks, cell phones! Eh, not your best observation, dear.
C-plus.
Last night, Russ didn't want to have sex with me.
Gasp, he must be gay.
It's because you're too pretty.
Believe me, I get it.
But like you, Russ is a sexually inexperienced do-gooder weirdo with the fashion sense of a Canadian child.
So I need you to help me figure out what he wants.
Or you could stop trying to mack out with him.
You don't even like that guy.
Hold on.
What was his excuse? Tired? Married? We're on a school bus, Lillian? He said he's been burned before.
He wants to take it slow.
I don't have time for slow.
I'm out of money! Honey, if a man wants to take things slow, he's either getting over an infection or looking for love.
You know, Dong and I The grown-ups are talking, sweetie.
So I have to make him genuinely fall in love with me? I've never done that.
I've had many men love me, and you know when I knew they were goners? When my needs were more important to them than any of their crap.
Titus has joined the conversation.
Who? That's exactly what happened with Mikey.
He needed me to take care of him, and I did, even though it made no sense, like wearing pants in your own home.
That's how it happens.
So I need to make Russ think that I'm more important than whatever he cares about.
His work, I guess.
But if I could just get him off the phone for five minutes, he'd see that there's something far more interesting right in front of him! Well, of course he will.
You're amazing.
Have you lost weight? All right, enough already.
Achoo.
Kimmy! Whazzaaap? You don't have appointment to shrink that big old head.
So wide! No, I'm just playing.
It is pretty big, though.
What, you think I'm dressed to talk? I'm dressed to party hearty like an MC Skat Kat.
You know where is it a cat? I heard about an alcohol bash.
It's supposed to be a real sausage fest.
Don't know if that's up your alley.
It's gonna be! Get my coat.
Get my coat! Wait, also get my coat.
And then come through the doors and follow me, but then get in front, 'cause you know where we're going.
Okay.
I can work with this.
Cheers.
You know who would hate this place? Ahn-drea.
She's so lame.
- Oh, she sucks.
- I know.
She rolls total dice.
So what makes her decide to start drinking and get so cool? Bitch can't handle eating alone because of her dumb childhood.
And lately, she can't even wait until dinner.
The other day at lunch, she was all, "I'll just have one glass of Sancerre with my shrimp salad.
" Before you know it, I'm there with the three Bs: bourbon, burgers, busboys, comma, getting high with.
So it starts at lunch.
- What time does she - Oh, boo! You're not trolling for Polish D at all! You just want to figure out why I start drinking so you can try to get me to stop.
No, I'm here to party.
Watch this.
"Hello, is hot dog there?" That kind of thing.
Yow! You think people haven't tried this before? I can't be stopped.
One time, to get white wine, I listened to B.
J.
Novak do a book reading.
Can't be stopped? You don't know who you're dealing with.
Whom.
And it's already too late.
I'm sending you back to the night.
It's not gonna work.
She can't get through one day without drinking.
We'll see about that.
Yeah, breaking stuff.
That's you guys, right? Just when I thought my audition couldn't get any worse, I run into Norman Gordon.
Who's Norman Gordon? The ghost of Titus Future.
I've seen that sad old man at every audition I've ever been to.
And the only speaking role he ever got was Corpse Emitting Gases Drifter Incineration Squad.
That's the one where Liev Schreiber plays twins, right? He's been acting for 50 years, and he's got nothing to show for it.
Is that gonna be me? Why should I keep humiliating myself at auditions for parts like Off-Camera Loser and Urban Farter when I'd rather be at home feeding you soup? I do like how you do spoon airplane.
You don't dumb it down.
Look, if you're unhappy, maybe you don't have to work.
I make good money.
Yesterday I got time and a half for being sick during Monday Night Football.
And my lease is up at the end of the month, so maybe I move in with you.
Wow.
That's a big step, and you know how I feel about steps.
I do.
You're against them.
But what do you say? Andromedon Productions.
You can't spell our name without "drama" if you spell it wrong.
How may I direct your call? This is Kurt Liebestod.
I'm calling from the Medical Examiner's Office.
Please hold.
Outside bones, outside bones Your teeth are your skeleton escaping You're on with Titus.
Mr.
Andromedon, do you know a corpse named Norman Gordon? Come on, Kurt.
Don't lead with "corpse.
" Wait, what are you saying? Is Norman dead? He passed away earlier today during a Level One improv class.
We haven't been able to locate any next of kin, but your phone number was in his personal effects.
If you'd like to pay your respects, we'll be throwing him in the East River this afternoon.
What happened? You okay? Let's move in together.
Uh-uh.
No, Verizon cannot turn homeless people into walking cell phone towers.
Russ, hang up.
It's such a beautiful day, and the view is amazing.
Ow! That really hurt.
Yeah, listen, pal, the next call I make is gonna be to my good friend Tom Wheeler, the chairman of the FCC.
Uh, well, we take swimming lessons together, so just try Hello? Did they just shut my service off? Sons of bitches! My 'Berry! Well, now that it's just the two of us, maybe we can go rent a rowboat.
You think I'm ready for rowboats? Tom Wheeler and I still use floaties.
I got to get to the hotel.
Off to lunch, are we? They say it's the third most important meal of the day.
Kimmy, what are you doing here? Good, you don't remember.
I'm here to stop you from drinking today.
Kimmy, I am not going to - Sneak attack! - What? How are you so strong? Oh, right, the bunker, the crank, being a chair, fighting off a reverend who's practicing cocaine-fueled karate on you.
We are going to stay up here until the sun goes down.
If you don't drink today, she loses, and that means you don't have to go on a bender.
It's not like when you say "Bloody Mary" three times and she has to appear.
Why would you say "Bloody Mary" to an alcoholic? Andrea, stop, that's twice! Oh, this is just making me want to drink more.
I get it.
You use alcohol to make the bad stuff go away, but you don't need alcohol to do that.
For 15 years, I did it just by keeping my brain too busy to think.
Among the techniques I used: staring contest! I win.
I win.
I win.
I win.
Wow, you're bad at this! - Bloody Mary.
- Ah, no! I win.
Go.
I win.
I win.
I can't run any farther.
I have a third nipple.
It's on the bottom of my right foot, and it's killing me.
All right, let me use your phone.
Russ, you can't worry about everyone else's problems all the time.
It's turning your hair gray.
Mm, your beard is so damp.
Okay, just let me use your damn phone! God.
Sorry.
Sorry, that was rude.
My mother would have put me in the freezer for that one.
Can't you just live in the moment for once? I want to see you smile.
There it is.
It's neat.
Look, I'm not making excuses for my behavior, but when I was a kid, I had a terrible stutter, so I didn't really talk to anyone, except for my pets.
I had a hamster and a turtle, a parrot that I taught to say, "Russ is cool.
" I loved those animals.
And I swore that if I ever found my voice, I would dedicate my life to speaking for them, the voiceless, whether it's lab animals or the one woman who works at Goldman Sachs or the other members of Coldplay.
Look, Jacqueline, I get it.
I'm not always fun to be around.
I can be loud and abrasive, and my breath The doctors say I have incurable stinktongue.
But I don't care what other people think of me as long as they listen to what I have to say.
I'd like to thank all of you for coming here to celebrate the life of a very special victim indeed.
Who are all these people? Is that Ice-T? Now, we've all worked with Norman.
The makeup artists who had us all truly believe that his genitals were stolen by some weird dentist.
The prop guy who thought Norman was a mannequin and locked him in a closet over Christmas.
His improv classmates who yes-anded his final words: "Well, Hillary Clinton, here we are at IKEA.
Oh, God, my arm's numb.
My bowels!" Norman Gordon may not be a household name, but that doesn't matter.
What matters is, he followed his dream and lived life without regret.
He didn't drive a fancy car or have an address where he could receive mail, but he was a success because he was to his own self true, and in that way, he lives forever.
I can't remember the last time I rode the subway.
Thank you for trying to stop that horrible break-dancing panhandler.
That man was having a seizure, Jacqueline.
Ow, my fipple is either bleeding, or it's lactating, but either way, my sock is soaked.
When can we do this again? I'm just around the corner from your hotel.
Well, hello, Just Around the Corner From Your Hotel.
My name's Russ.
Pleased to meet you.
- Knockout game! - Oh! - Ow! - He didn't go down.
Elana, you try.
- His head is perfect.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Look, I know you're acting out, but it's probably just problems at home.
What did you say about our homes? Oh, I didn't No, no! No, wait! I have a first aid kit in the bathroom.
Oh, God, they're back! - How did they get here? - No, no.
- No, no.
- Did you invite them? Oh, God.
Okay, lay down.
Oh, all right.
I was a flight attendant, so I know first aid and how to catch Gérard Depardieu's urine in an ice bucket.
Mm-hmm.
Is this your bedroom? You sleep on an air bed? Oh, you've lost a lot of blood.
You're having trouble identifying beds properly.
I need to cover your eyes in case you have a concussion.
I'll have one of my servants call you an ambulance.
Gustav? Uh, yes, Miss Jacqweeleen? Call an ambulance, Gustav! Hi, Gustav, Russ Snyder.
Why did I bring him here? If he figures out I'm poor, he'll know I'm a gold digger! Why would I care more about his dumb, punchable head than my own I put his needs before mine.
What? Why? He's so gross! Who cares if he's the only decent straight white man in the entire universe? I can barely bring myself to look into his kind eyes that dare to see a better world.
Oh, God.
I didn't make him fall in love with me.
I'm falling for him.
You stupid bitch! Holy crap! Four minutes.
The trick is not caring if you live or die.
And look, you just made it through the day.
Hmm, okay.
Just one day, but it's a start.
And just knowing that someone cared enough about me to do this I guess what I'm trying to say is, whazzaaaaap? What the heck? No, you're not drunk.
- You can't be! - I am super drunk.
Lady, I wasn't going to lunch when you found me.
I was on my way to the laser light show at the planetarium wearing a CamelBak full of vodka.
And I would have gotten away with it too.
- You did get away with it! - I did.
Jersey strong! Go, Devils! Guess what.
I like Day Andrea better than you.
Guess what.
I'm not two different people.
I'm just one big mess, and you can't fix me, Kimmy.
Sorry.
Fine, whatever.
I don't care.
But you do.
You care so much.
Why is that? Because I like helping other people.
And I need your help.
One more strike, and the Thompson family gets a chance to steal! I care because it's my fault, okay? I'm the reason your boundaries got screwed up.
It's my fault you're leaving.
Oh, brother.
Your world-famous abandonment issues.
Oh, God.
Am I really gonna have to say this out loud to you? This is so hack.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
One Oprah style: it's not your fault! The way I am has nothing to do with you.
You're not responsible for other people's problems.
You never have been.
It's not your fault that people leave, dummy.
I guess this is how my relationship with my mom stinks up my current relationships.
Chanandler Bing! And until Until Until you deal with her for reals, you are just gonna continue to do the same thing over and over and over again.
It's called a pattern.
And so is this.
Watch me whip, whip And watch me nae nae And whip, whip And nae nae And stanky leg Stanky leg Break your legs Watch me whip, whip Watch me nae nae And whip, whip And watch me nae nae Hey, can I cook with this wine? It's already open.
Sure, but that's not wine.
That bottle's there 'cause of a leak.
Why is it red? Future Andromitano residence.
This is Mikus.
You'll be Tikey.
Titus, Judy Layman calling.
That toilet was broken when I went in there, Judy.
No, no, no, no, listen.
We want to offer you the part of Guy Who Stalks Tracy Chambers in Mahogany.
What? You're casting me? Look, you were clearly very ill, but you went out there anyway, and that is exactly what we look for in our cruise ship performers.
If you're a human being on a cruise ship, you will be violently ill with some combination of norovirus, Legionnaires' disease, improperly prepared seafood, bird flu, pool feces, STDs from the crew, and that's assuming nobody murders you.
Judy, make like the ends of a doggy's legs and pause.
This is for a cruise? Yeah, I thought you knew that.
It's four months in the Caribbean.
No.
I mean, I can't just leave New York.
I-I Judy, he'll call you back.
Dude, you got to take that job.
What are you talking about? You just told me you wanted to move in together.
I do, but we can figure that out when you get back.
In four months! That's, like, three Judd Apatow movies! I can't think that far ahead.
I don't even know how this sentence is gonna end volcano! You're going.
It's Dionne Warwick.
That's Whitney Houston's cousin! How can I leave when you're starting to say gay stuff like that? Weren't you at that funeral? Did you hear nothing Ice-T said? You got to go for it, have no regrets.
Norman wasn't a loser.
He was beautiful, like that one-handed touchdown catch Odell Beckham Jr.
made last year.
Yeah, I'm still gonna say stuff like that.
I have levels.
You'd risk losing me for me? Guys, I'm gonna find my mom.
I don't know how.
I have no idea where she could be.
But if I can find every goshdang Waldo that's ever crossed my path, then I can find Lori-Ann Schmidt.
I'll probably have to hire a private eye, someone who can infiltrate the coasterhead community by becoming one of them, all while running the risk that he forgets whose side he's really on.
And I know I can count on the two of you and your unique set of skills.
Um, actually, I just found her on Facebook.
Girl, that bitch is in Orlando.
Oh.
That was easy.
Why'd it take them so long to find me? - Good night, everybody! - Good night!
I got off on a tangent.
You asked about my mom.
Lori-Ann Schmidt.
Well, she was fun.
She wore tube tops, tube bottoms, tube socks.
The only hot breakfast I ever got was the morning she crashed our house into a Denny's.
But the thing that really raisined my cookie was her addiction.
Bah, I knew it! What was it? Pills? No, more dirtbaggy.
Underdeveloped ears, facial trapezoidism huffing.
Roller coasters.
- What now? - My mom's a coasterhead.
She's addicted to riding roller coasters.
She what? That is dumb! I mean, would you care tlaborade? O.
M.
gosh.
Dr.
Bayden, have you been day-drinking? No, this is tea.
That's not okay.
Fine, whatever.
I'm better at this when I drink.
It's like playing darts or driving a Zamboni or running away from a Zamboni you can't stop.
Hey, who breakthroughed you on that mom stuff? Not Joggy McExercise here.
And if it makes you feel better, I can still say things like, "How has your relationship with your mother affected your current relationships?" Boo-ya! Look, Ahn-drea Ugh, I'm not British.
It's Ann-drea.
I grew up in Metuchen.
Exit ten! Go, Bulldogs! That's our time, and I think we've made some really good progress today.
So enough talking.
You're coming out with me! No, I have to work tonight.
Perfect, 'cause you just accepted my ride.
That's mine! When did you take that? I don't remember.
Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes? My penis infection spread to my face.
Just picking up my last paycheck.
Ugh, Titus, I envy you.
I wish I had the courage to quit.
Quitters are America's unsung heroes.
Without us, we'd probably still be going to the moon.
It's just rocks, Rick.
We got plenty of rocks down here.
And there's so much production in New York right now.
That must be great for you.
It's amazing.
All that free food if you just pretend you're part of the crew? No, I mean, you must be auditioning like crazy.
I've been busy.
You know, getting my 14 hours every night and going to the Jim Gaffigan Show craft service table.
Titus, you've got to get out there.
Tomorrow there's an open call for a musical production of Mahogany starring Dionne Warwick.
What? Why didn't her psychic network tell me that was coming? I spoke to them yesterday, and all they said was, someone with a letter in their name would tell me something.
Your name has letters.
Kimmy, five stars, picking up Russ.
Kimmy? Since when do you have red hair? Jacqueline? But you're going by Russ? Someone just put the "neato" in "incognito"! I didn't order the car.
Russ is the man I've spent the past few weeks pursuing.
He's just finishing up a phone call.
No, no, no, Jerry, you push those people out of their homes, I'll push your wife's wedding ring out of my ass! Wow.
He knows someone named Jerry.
You think I don't know he's disgusting? Well, you're the reason I'm with a bald pro bono property rights lawyer and his BlackBerry.
Me? What did I do? You tricked me into thinking I could be a better person, and now I'm completely broke.
I need that walking trust fund to put a baby in me before it has a heart attack.
Seriously? So you're right back where you started.
Oh, I don't want to hear it from you.
I finally have Russ to myself for a night.
We're going to his hotel room, and I'm gonna seal the deal.
Ugh.
I hope he's one of those Jews who does it through a sheet.
Not so tough now, are you, Grandma? Who is that? Is she prettier than me? I love how sweaty you get doing your job.
It's like you're a professional athlete.
Oh, it's the developer calling from Moscow.
Oh, my God.
You're hilarious.
Hello, Dimitri.
Let me start by saying your people murdered my grandparents.
I think your fever broke.
Thank God.
I was hallucinating last night.
I don't say this enough, but I'm really glad you're not a giant crab.
Oh.
I should have been a doctor.
I look amazing in white, my handwriting is terrible, and I love telling people to take their pants off and just leaving and then making them sit there for an hour.
Maybe this is why I haven't been thinking about work.
I'd rather be with you.
And when you were away at that construction convention, I was just too sad to sing.
ConCon is usually so fun, but I was away from you, and Tony DaGrammo wore the same costume as me.
Tony DaGrammo was silicone joint sealant? That bitch.
He did it on purpose.
You got an audition tomorrow.
Shouldn't you be getting ready? Mm, but Titus likes it here.
I don't want to get you sick, bro.
Fine.
But FYI, I only get sick on the dance floor.
Because the flashing lights and the spinning.
- Shall we order champagne? - Jacqueline! You followed me to my hotel room.
Wow.
Russ, I know your phone is fascinating, but what about these? I, uh All right, thank you so much, but please don't do that.
Oh, sorry.
That was my ex-husband's thing.
Look, Jacqueline, I had fun tonight, I really did, and I'm sorry I was on the phone so much.
Well, we're here now, and that room has a bed.
For sleeping or porking.
Believe me, there's nothing more I'd like to do.
Your lady parts are top-notch.
I'm not great with women.
I find that they tend to only be interested in my money.
Well, obviously that's not the case with me.
I gave away a $12 million painting without a fight.
And you saw my apartment.
Yeah, it looked like you were moving out.
I was moving in.
You should see it all finished.
I have a hundred chairs! I'm sorry, I've been burned before.
And I was recently engaged to what turned out to be a hologram controlled by a Turkish hacker.
I just need to take it slow.
G'day, mate.
It's Russ, you know.
Right.
Oh, crikey! You call that a knife? Outback Steakhouse? All right, then.
Good morning, Andrea.
Oh, God, was that your bed? Do you by any chance know where I put my keys, phone, shoes, or NuvaRing? Well, I know you threw your keys in the river to protest racism.
That's why I brought you back here.
Kimmy, I am so sorry that you got dragged into Night Andrea's idiocy again.
Yeah, it wasn't entirely a night thing.
You were already drunk during our session yesterday.
Damn it! I run marathons.
I went to medical school.
I speak fluent Italian.
You do? Explain this.
They're the Mario brothers, right? But one of them is named Mario.
Does that mean his name is Mario Mario? Why can't I hold it together? I'm gonna have to go away.
- Where? - To a conference.
"Conference" is therapist code for rehab.
Like how, "Oh, interesting, go on," is code for, "I hate you and your stupid life.
" How long will you be gone? A while, because it's not just rehab.
First there's the bender, then rehab, then getting kicked out of rehab for "using sex and threats of violence to obtain cooking wine," then more drinking, back into a different rehab, and finally a two-week surf camp with a bunch of recent divorcées.
It's a process.
You're the one who said I have a fear of abandonment, and now you're just gonna leave me? We haven't even gotten to my fear of Velcro! You're afraid of Nope.
I will refer you to a colleague, and the two of you No, I'm not starting over.
Maybe there's something I can do.
I said I was gonna help you too, but all I've done so far is talk about myself.
So let's fix you.
Why'd you start drinking yesterday? No, I am not getting into this with you.
I have got to start wrapping things up with my other patients, and then it's bender time.
Winter is tricky, because if you pass out in a snowbank, you lose another toe.
Um, Titus, are you feeling okay? Five, six, seven, eight! Trident Gum is the chewiest gum Give it to your friends and chew it with your teeth Your teeth are bones that live outside They hang from your lips like bats Oh, outside bones, outside bones Never forget that teeth are outside bones They're bones that you wash and when you're a kid They fall from your head And to make things less weird we say they got stolen By a demon that your parents know Trident! In lieu of my usual audition piece, that was a jingle for gum I just made up.
Well, that was my worst audition ever.
Nope.
You said this was blanks! There he is! Titus Andromedon! Hello, Norman.
What are you here for, the elder abuse PSA? Listen to this: No! Norman, I just had the second worst audition of my life.
Third.
I forgot about the one that turned out to be a Japanese prank show and they shot me into the ocean on a toilet.
Well, keep your head up, son.
Me, 50 years in the biz, best year ever.
I played another Law & Order corpse.
Faceup this time.
And I almost got Man Struggling With Regular Pot in an infomercial.
Oh, my God.
Hey, do you have a head shot on you? My improv team is looking for a second person.
Sir, I am sick, and you mention improv? Hey, if you hear about anything I'd be good for, you pass this along.
And I'll do the same for you.
You'll notice one of my special skills is ending conversations, so Lillian! How was the bulldozer? Oh, terrible.
Turns out, the way I was handcuffed to it didn't actually stop anybody from using it.
Come on, I'm trying to take a nap! So as soon as I pooped out the key, I hit the bricks.
What a disaster! Boy, you're probably in a rush to shower, huh? Not so much.
What are you whoring up for? I have a plan to stop my therapist from drinking, and it starts with getting her drunk.
All good plans do.
Cough, sniffle, sneeze.
Oh, no.
Are you sick? Mikey was sick, so I took care of him, even though I had an audition.
What was I thinking? Kimmy, where have you been? I need your help, and I deleted your phone number when I was mad at you.
You know, before I went into the bunker, people knew each other's phone numbers.
Thanks, cell phones! Eh, not your best observation, dear.
C-plus.
Last night, Russ didn't want to have sex with me.
Gasp, he must be gay.
It's because you're too pretty.
Believe me, I get it.
But like you, Russ is a sexually inexperienced do-gooder weirdo with the fashion sense of a Canadian child.
So I need you to help me figure out what he wants.
Or you could stop trying to mack out with him.
You don't even like that guy.
Hold on.
What was his excuse? Tired? Married? We're on a school bus, Lillian? He said he's been burned before.
He wants to take it slow.
I don't have time for slow.
I'm out of money! Honey, if a man wants to take things slow, he's either getting over an infection or looking for love.
You know, Dong and I The grown-ups are talking, sweetie.
So I have to make him genuinely fall in love with me? I've never done that.
I've had many men love me, and you know when I knew they were goners? When my needs were more important to them than any of their crap.
Titus has joined the conversation.
Who? That's exactly what happened with Mikey.
He needed me to take care of him, and I did, even though it made no sense, like wearing pants in your own home.
That's how it happens.
So I need to make Russ think that I'm more important than whatever he cares about.
His work, I guess.
But if I could just get him off the phone for five minutes, he'd see that there's something far more interesting right in front of him! Well, of course he will.
You're amazing.
Have you lost weight? All right, enough already.
Achoo.
Kimmy! Whazzaaap? You don't have appointment to shrink that big old head.
So wide! No, I'm just playing.
It is pretty big, though.
What, you think I'm dressed to talk? I'm dressed to party hearty like an MC Skat Kat.
You know where is it a cat? I heard about an alcohol bash.
It's supposed to be a real sausage fest.
Don't know if that's up your alley.
It's gonna be! Get my coat.
Get my coat! Wait, also get my coat.
And then come through the doors and follow me, but then get in front, 'cause you know where we're going.
Okay.
I can work with this.
Cheers.
You know who would hate this place? Ahn-drea.
She's so lame.
- Oh, she sucks.
- I know.
She rolls total dice.
So what makes her decide to start drinking and get so cool? Bitch can't handle eating alone because of her dumb childhood.
And lately, she can't even wait until dinner.
The other day at lunch, she was all, "I'll just have one glass of Sancerre with my shrimp salad.
" Before you know it, I'm there with the three Bs: bourbon, burgers, busboys, comma, getting high with.
So it starts at lunch.
- What time does she - Oh, boo! You're not trolling for Polish D at all! You just want to figure out why I start drinking so you can try to get me to stop.
No, I'm here to party.
Watch this.
"Hello, is hot dog there?" That kind of thing.
Yow! You think people haven't tried this before? I can't be stopped.
One time, to get white wine, I listened to B.
J.
Novak do a book reading.
Can't be stopped? You don't know who you're dealing with.
Whom.
And it's already too late.
I'm sending you back to the night.
It's not gonna work.
She can't get through one day without drinking.
We'll see about that.
Yeah, breaking stuff.
That's you guys, right? Just when I thought my audition couldn't get any worse, I run into Norman Gordon.
Who's Norman Gordon? The ghost of Titus Future.
I've seen that sad old man at every audition I've ever been to.
And the only speaking role he ever got was Corpse Emitting Gases Drifter Incineration Squad.
That's the one where Liev Schreiber plays twins, right? He's been acting for 50 years, and he's got nothing to show for it.
Is that gonna be me? Why should I keep humiliating myself at auditions for parts like Off-Camera Loser and Urban Farter when I'd rather be at home feeding you soup? I do like how you do spoon airplane.
You don't dumb it down.
Look, if you're unhappy, maybe you don't have to work.
I make good money.
Yesterday I got time and a half for being sick during Monday Night Football.
And my lease is up at the end of the month, so maybe I move in with you.
Wow.
That's a big step, and you know how I feel about steps.
I do.
You're against them.
But what do you say? Andromedon Productions.
You can't spell our name without "drama" if you spell it wrong.
How may I direct your call? This is Kurt Liebestod.
I'm calling from the Medical Examiner's Office.
Please hold.
Outside bones, outside bones Your teeth are your skeleton escaping You're on with Titus.
Mr.
Andromedon, do you know a corpse named Norman Gordon? Come on, Kurt.
Don't lead with "corpse.
" Wait, what are you saying? Is Norman dead? He passed away earlier today during a Level One improv class.
We haven't been able to locate any next of kin, but your phone number was in his personal effects.
If you'd like to pay your respects, we'll be throwing him in the East River this afternoon.
What happened? You okay? Let's move in together.
Uh-uh.
No, Verizon cannot turn homeless people into walking cell phone towers.
Russ, hang up.
It's such a beautiful day, and the view is amazing.
Ow! That really hurt.
Yeah, listen, pal, the next call I make is gonna be to my good friend Tom Wheeler, the chairman of the FCC.
Uh, well, we take swimming lessons together, so just try Hello? Did they just shut my service off? Sons of bitches! My 'Berry! Well, now that it's just the two of us, maybe we can go rent a rowboat.
You think I'm ready for rowboats? Tom Wheeler and I still use floaties.
I got to get to the hotel.
Off to lunch, are we? They say it's the third most important meal of the day.
Kimmy, what are you doing here? Good, you don't remember.
I'm here to stop you from drinking today.
Kimmy, I am not going to - Sneak attack! - What? How are you so strong? Oh, right, the bunker, the crank, being a chair, fighting off a reverend who's practicing cocaine-fueled karate on you.
We are going to stay up here until the sun goes down.
If you don't drink today, she loses, and that means you don't have to go on a bender.
It's not like when you say "Bloody Mary" three times and she has to appear.
Why would you say "Bloody Mary" to an alcoholic? Andrea, stop, that's twice! Oh, this is just making me want to drink more.
I get it.
You use alcohol to make the bad stuff go away, but you don't need alcohol to do that.
For 15 years, I did it just by keeping my brain too busy to think.
Among the techniques I used: staring contest! I win.
I win.
I win.
I win.
Wow, you're bad at this! - Bloody Mary.
- Ah, no! I win.
Go.
I win.
I win.
I can't run any farther.
I have a third nipple.
It's on the bottom of my right foot, and it's killing me.
All right, let me use your phone.
Russ, you can't worry about everyone else's problems all the time.
It's turning your hair gray.
Mm, your beard is so damp.
Okay, just let me use your damn phone! God.
Sorry.
Sorry, that was rude.
My mother would have put me in the freezer for that one.
Can't you just live in the moment for once? I want to see you smile.
There it is.
It's neat.
Look, I'm not making excuses for my behavior, but when I was a kid, I had a terrible stutter, so I didn't really talk to anyone, except for my pets.
I had a hamster and a turtle, a parrot that I taught to say, "Russ is cool.
" I loved those animals.
And I swore that if I ever found my voice, I would dedicate my life to speaking for them, the voiceless, whether it's lab animals or the one woman who works at Goldman Sachs or the other members of Coldplay.
Look, Jacqueline, I get it.
I'm not always fun to be around.
I can be loud and abrasive, and my breath The doctors say I have incurable stinktongue.
But I don't care what other people think of me as long as they listen to what I have to say.
I'd like to thank all of you for coming here to celebrate the life of a very special victim indeed.
Who are all these people? Is that Ice-T? Now, we've all worked with Norman.
The makeup artists who had us all truly believe that his genitals were stolen by some weird dentist.
The prop guy who thought Norman was a mannequin and locked him in a closet over Christmas.
His improv classmates who yes-anded his final words: "Well, Hillary Clinton, here we are at IKEA.
Oh, God, my arm's numb.
My bowels!" Norman Gordon may not be a household name, but that doesn't matter.
What matters is, he followed his dream and lived life without regret.
He didn't drive a fancy car or have an address where he could receive mail, but he was a success because he was to his own self true, and in that way, he lives forever.
I can't remember the last time I rode the subway.
Thank you for trying to stop that horrible break-dancing panhandler.
That man was having a seizure, Jacqueline.
Ow, my fipple is either bleeding, or it's lactating, but either way, my sock is soaked.
When can we do this again? I'm just around the corner from your hotel.
Well, hello, Just Around the Corner From Your Hotel.
My name's Russ.
Pleased to meet you.
- Knockout game! - Oh! - Ow! - He didn't go down.
Elana, you try.
- His head is perfect.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Look, I know you're acting out, but it's probably just problems at home.
What did you say about our homes? Oh, I didn't No, no! No, wait! I have a first aid kit in the bathroom.
Oh, God, they're back! - How did they get here? - No, no.
- No, no.
- Did you invite them? Oh, God.
Okay, lay down.
Oh, all right.
I was a flight attendant, so I know first aid and how to catch Gérard Depardieu's urine in an ice bucket.
Mm-hmm.
Is this your bedroom? You sleep on an air bed? Oh, you've lost a lot of blood.
You're having trouble identifying beds properly.
I need to cover your eyes in case you have a concussion.
I'll have one of my servants call you an ambulance.
Gustav? Uh, yes, Miss Jacqweeleen? Call an ambulance, Gustav! Hi, Gustav, Russ Snyder.
Why did I bring him here? If he figures out I'm poor, he'll know I'm a gold digger! Why would I care more about his dumb, punchable head than my own I put his needs before mine.
What? Why? He's so gross! Who cares if he's the only decent straight white man in the entire universe? I can barely bring myself to look into his kind eyes that dare to see a better world.
Oh, God.
I didn't make him fall in love with me.
I'm falling for him.
You stupid bitch! Holy crap! Four minutes.
The trick is not caring if you live or die.
And look, you just made it through the day.
Hmm, okay.
Just one day, but it's a start.
And just knowing that someone cared enough about me to do this I guess what I'm trying to say is, whazzaaaaap? What the heck? No, you're not drunk.
- You can't be! - I am super drunk.
Lady, I wasn't going to lunch when you found me.
I was on my way to the laser light show at the planetarium wearing a CamelBak full of vodka.
And I would have gotten away with it too.
- You did get away with it! - I did.
Jersey strong! Go, Devils! Guess what.
I like Day Andrea better than you.
Guess what.
I'm not two different people.
I'm just one big mess, and you can't fix me, Kimmy.
Sorry.
Fine, whatever.
I don't care.
But you do.
You care so much.
Why is that? Because I like helping other people.
And I need your help.
One more strike, and the Thompson family gets a chance to steal! I care because it's my fault, okay? I'm the reason your boundaries got screwed up.
It's my fault you're leaving.
Oh, brother.
Your world-famous abandonment issues.
Oh, God.
Am I really gonna have to say this out loud to you? This is so hack.
It's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
One Oprah style: it's not your fault! The way I am has nothing to do with you.
You're not responsible for other people's problems.
You never have been.
It's not your fault that people leave, dummy.
I guess this is how my relationship with my mom stinks up my current relationships.
Chanandler Bing! And until Until Until you deal with her for reals, you are just gonna continue to do the same thing over and over and over again.
It's called a pattern.
And so is this.
Watch me whip, whip And watch me nae nae And whip, whip And nae nae And stanky leg Stanky leg Break your legs Watch me whip, whip Watch me nae nae And whip, whip And watch me nae nae Hey, can I cook with this wine? It's already open.
Sure, but that's not wine.
That bottle's there 'cause of a leak.
Why is it red? Future Andromitano residence.
This is Mikus.
You'll be Tikey.
Titus, Judy Layman calling.
That toilet was broken when I went in there, Judy.
No, no, no, no, listen.
We want to offer you the part of Guy Who Stalks Tracy Chambers in Mahogany.
What? You're casting me? Look, you were clearly very ill, but you went out there anyway, and that is exactly what we look for in our cruise ship performers.
If you're a human being on a cruise ship, you will be violently ill with some combination of norovirus, Legionnaires' disease, improperly prepared seafood, bird flu, pool feces, STDs from the crew, and that's assuming nobody murders you.
Judy, make like the ends of a doggy's legs and pause.
This is for a cruise? Yeah, I thought you knew that.
It's four months in the Caribbean.
No.
I mean, I can't just leave New York.
I-I Judy, he'll call you back.
Dude, you got to take that job.
What are you talking about? You just told me you wanted to move in together.
I do, but we can figure that out when you get back.
In four months! That's, like, three Judd Apatow movies! I can't think that far ahead.
I don't even know how this sentence is gonna end volcano! You're going.
It's Dionne Warwick.
That's Whitney Houston's cousin! How can I leave when you're starting to say gay stuff like that? Weren't you at that funeral? Did you hear nothing Ice-T said? You got to go for it, have no regrets.
Norman wasn't a loser.
He was beautiful, like that one-handed touchdown catch Odell Beckham Jr.
made last year.
Yeah, I'm still gonna say stuff like that.
I have levels.
You'd risk losing me for me? Guys, I'm gonna find my mom.
I don't know how.
I have no idea where she could be.
But if I can find every goshdang Waldo that's ever crossed my path, then I can find Lori-Ann Schmidt.
I'll probably have to hire a private eye, someone who can infiltrate the coasterhead community by becoming one of them, all while running the risk that he forgets whose side he's really on.
And I know I can count on the two of you and your unique set of skills.
Um, actually, I just found her on Facebook.
Girl, that bitch is in Orlando.
Oh.
That was easy.
Why'd it take them so long to find me? - Good night, everybody! - Good night!