United States of Al (2021) s02e12 Episode Script

1 I'll go 20.
I call.
I'll see your 20, and I raise you 20.
40 cents? Too rich for my blood.
Oh, hey, Al.
Hello.
Uh, what are you guys doing? We're teaching Hazel how to play poker.
It's easy.
Want to learn? Oh, I lived with Marines for six years.
I know how to play, but for me gambling is haram.
That means forbidden.
I figured it out.
Poker's not gambling.
It's a game of skill.
That's why I have all Freddy's money.
Maybe I'm hustling you.
- No, you're not.
- I know.
It's to you, Hazel.
I'll call.
- Show them.
- Two aces.
- Three nines.
- Ooh! Dang it.
I bought you a bike for Christmas.
Treat me better.
- Good job, baby.
- Ante up.
I'm feeling eyes on my cards and breath on my neck.
Sorry.
- Check.
- Check.
50 cents.
I'll raise you 50.
I got nothing.
Except you, and that's everything.
I fold.
It's to you.
He's bluffing.
Everyone can hear you.
Fine.
I raise a buck.
- Raise more.
- Do you want to play? I want you to play better.
Big mistake.
I'm not bluffing.
Two bucks.
Dad? Damn it.
How many times did I drive you to the airport? [LAUGHTER.]
Good guess, Uncle Al.
It was not a guess, Hazel Jaan.
Reading people is my superpower.
That is why I was such a good interpreter.
I had to know in an instant if someone was hiding something.
So, what's my tell? Oh, when you bluff, you go like this.
Sweet maple syrup, I do do that.
You got a hell of an eye.
It is my gift.
Which I suppose means that it is a skill I said that, like, a minute ago.
Therefore not gambling, and not haram.
I bet you a buck he's gonna play.
You got it.
Surely, playing a hand or two wouldn't harm anyone.
[LAUGHS.]
Pay up.
This is not my night.
Wow.
You're good.
Would you think more or less of me if I told you I came last night to practice? You practiced for our date? I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of a real artist.
Smart.
This vase I'm making, gonna sell it for $300,000.
Oh, darn, I only have $100,000 on me.
Oh, this is awkward.
I thought I was dating a rich guy.
No.
You ever think about doing this professionally? I did, for a long time, but honestly, I'm worried it would lose some of the joy - if it were my job.
- That makes sense.
Besides, I kind of like working for my dad, but if you tell him, I'll deny it.
That's great that you have that self-awareness.
Most people are oblivious.
Oblivious? Is that your professional assessment as a psychologist? Uh, no.
The-the technical term is "stupid.
" I was just trying to class it up.
What are you into outside of work? Well doing pottery with pretty girls is kind of my thing right now.
And there's my punk band.
- You have a punk band? - Yes.
- You? - Yes.
I may look like a mild-mannered college professor, but every Thursday at 4:00 p.
m.
, I am a guitar-smashing maniac.
I don't actually smash it.
I just kind of lift it above my head, then put it down gently.
And what is this pretend band called? It is not pretend.
It is me and several other psychology professors, and we are called "Rage Against the Dean.
" And do you wear punk makeup? Eyeliner, blue lipstick? No, just a little zinc oxide on my nose when we play outside.
Oh, and a hat.
I have a really cool hat.
Check.
I raise ten.
Mm Come on, Al, what you gonna do? You have nothing.
I'm not touching my eyebrow.
You have a new tell.
I'll let you know what it is after I take your money.
You're cute, but have nothing.
He's not wrong.
And you think you have a good hand, but I'm letting you know, as a friend, you're in trouble.
Guy's been playing, like, 12 minutes.
He thinks he's Maverick.
[CHUCKLES.]
- You know Maverick, right? - Top Gun? I'll tell you later.
- Raise ten.
- You can read these civilians, but not me.
Call.
- I'm out.
- Yeah, me, too.
- Two pair.
- Full house.
No! You never listen.
Hey, Al, what's my tell? Oh, you smile when you have a good hand, and you frown when you have a bad one.
He's not wrong.
[LAPTOP CHIMING.]
- What you doing? - Video poker.
I'm playing Mississippi Stud.
That was my nickname in high school.
Yeah, it was.
[LAPTOP CHIMING.]
Wow, you are really into this.
You can't read people online, but they still have tells in the way they bet.
Hey, aren't you supposed to be in class? No, no, my class is not for another two hours ago.
It's not like you to blow off school.
Oh, he missed one class.
You would've put me in the Christmas letter if I only missed one class.
Yeah, well, this guy's my A student, okay? Before him, I didn't have anything to put on the fridge that wasn't a court summons.
Cut him some slack.
He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke, if he snores, he wakes up and apologizes.
Oh, did I snore last night? I'm so sorry.
Well, you just be careful.
This kind of thing can be a slippery slope.
I had a buddy, lost his house playing blackjack.
Eh, he was a gambler.
I'm not a gambler.
Either way, the man lives in a tent.
Okay, how was your date? - Tell me everything.
- We made pottery, walked through the park, fed ducks.
Well, I fed ducks, he was a little unnerved by the quacking.
- It was cute.
- [CHUCKLES.]
And then? Then we had ice cream and did impressions of the people in the store.
There was this one guy who was like, "Can I try that?" You had to be there.
Come on, Lizzie, get to the good stuff.
Yeah Yeah, that's the thing Oh, no, what happened? I messed up.
I mean, we were having this amazing time, and he walked me to the door, and I was thinking about kissing him, and I'm sure he was thinking about kissing me.
And? And I gave him finger guns and said, "Night, pardner," like I was in an old Western.
That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.
I know, and it came out of my face.
[LAUGHS.]
So, what did he do? Well, he was thrown, clearly, but he's such a sweet guy that he gave me finger guns back and said, "Night, ma'am.
Pow, pow.
" [CHUCKLES.]
So, you froze? Instead of a scene from a romantic movie, it was "Lizzie Dugan, Virgin Gun Slinger.
" Are you attracted to him? Yes.
That's the weird thing.
That's the weird thing? In that moment, I thought, "Would Michael like this guy? "Why am I even asking myself that? Am I cheating on Michael?" Sweetie, this is normal.
It's been three years.
It could be a hundred years.
Your feelings are your feelings.
You have to go at whatever pace feels right, and until then Pow, pow, pow.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nice day for gambling.
Oh, no.
Poker is not gambling.
It is a game of skill.
Hey, high roller, what'll you have? I'll take a slippery slope, two olives.
You look ridiculous.
You look like a winner.
I raise you $1 billion.
She's bluffing.
Bottle of haram for the gentleman.
Oh, I ordered a slippery slope.
This is compliments of the devil.
Bottoms up.
FREDDY: This is hell? Who did I give my keys to? No, no, none of this is haram.
This is not gambling.
I raise you and you turn out like this? Mother? You've cast a shame on our whole family.
When did you learn English? Don't change the subject.
Not cool, dude.
Not cool.
I got us Penn and Teller tickets.
Are we going or what? Fold! [PANTING.]
Bad dream? Eh It's nothing.
You want to talk about it? No, because I'm not doing anything wrong! Unless I was snoring, in which case, I'm sorry.
You do good work, Mr.
Dugan.
Oh, thank you, my dear.
Kitchens are my favorite thing to build.
I didn't know that.
How come? It's the center of the home, where the hearth used to be.
Sacred gathering place, where families comes together to make each other miserable.
Over food? Over food.
Hello! [GRUNTS.]
Well, nice of you to join us.
Sorry we're late.
We went for a little trip last night.
Well, I couldn't sleep, so we went for a drive.
To a casino.
- Are you kidding me? - RILEY: Don't worry, this guy won big.
$87! [CHEERS.]
So, you managed to miss class for the first time ever, and now you show up late to work for the first time ever.
He also tried crab legs for the first time ever.
The sign said "all you can eat," but they didn't really mean it.
Al, you need to slow down.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's what they told you at the buffet.
Here's what you need to do, stop.
Thank you for your concern, but I do not have a problem.
I can stop whenever I want.
- Great.
Start now.
- Tomorrow.
No, now now.
One week, no poker.
Easy.
Five days.
A whole week.
Oh, the weekend, too? Okay, that was not clear to me.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
I never doubted you for a second.
- Oh, yes, you did.
- Sure did.
Come on in.
I don't want to impose, I-I was just in the neighborhood with my bass.
There's an amp in my car.
I'm glad you stopped by.
Can I get you something to drink? Uh, do you have coconut water? You know what? That's a weird thing to ask for.
Forget it.
Listen, I need to talk to you about something.
Okay, what's up? I feel bad about our date.
Yeah, I've always been freaked out by ducks.
I Oh, you mean the finger guns.
Yeah Yeah.
Just when we got to my door, I thought about my fiancé and I get it.
Grief is complicated.
I just might need to take things slow for a while.
Well, good news, I am the most patient man alive.
I did a two-year study on rat sleep cycles.
I watched rats sleep for two years.
What did you learn? Inconclusive.
I have to do it again, and I don't mind one bit.
Thanks.
I didn't know dating again would be so scary.
How about we don't even call it dating? We could just say we're in a band together, and if we ever break up, we can blame it on the fact that you're a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll.
You know, I play a little keyboard.
Why am I just finding this out now? What's with the bass? We're starting a band.
- Can I be in it? - Do you play an instrument? Drums, probably.
You're in.
What should we call ourselves? "Hazel and the Old People"? Let's keep thinking.
That's the one to beat, though.
Got any threes? [SIGHS.]
Yes.
Really? You couldn't go a single day? Oh, it is not poker, Mr.
Art.
It is "Going Fish.
" There's no skill, there's no stakes.
It doesn't matter if you win or lose.
It doesn't matter if you live or die.
You want to run errands with me, Hazelnut, or do you want to watch a grown man go bananas? I was enjoying the bananas.
Get in the car.
Oh, Riley, I feel like I found the great love of my life, and I only got to have her for a few days.
I think you're being a little overdramatic.
And did I mention I am going straight to hell, hmm? Satan is making up a garage for the two of us right now.
- What did I do? - Oh, come on.
You found a new thing.
It was fun.
You miss it.
I do miss it.
When I'm playing, I-I feel in control.
I'm so focused on the cards and reading other people, everything else just falls away.
I feel you.
Great, let's go to Las Vegas.
That's like a 30-hour drive.
You sleep, I'll drive.
No, no, hold on, hold on, hold on.
You can do this.
You're stronger than you think.
No, I'm not.
[SIGHS.]
Let me show you.
If you can actually do that, I would be very grateful.
Remember you said that.
Take off your pants and meet me in the backyard.
Huh? [BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Oh, Riley, you look tired.
I think we should stop.
[LAUGHS.]
If you're making jokes, you're not working hard enough.
All you should be thinking about is how much this sucks.
Oh, I'm thinking about how much I hate you.
You're tough.
You're strong.
You're tough.
You're strong.
You're tough.
You're strong.
Learn new words.
If you get through an hour of this, second hour will be easier.
[LAUGHS.]
Second hour? [GROANS.]
Okay, squats.
Deeper.
There it is.
Why are you smiling like a sociopath? Ooh, I live for this, baby.
[GROANS.]
Marines put me through SERE school Survival, evasion, resistance, escape.
We didn't eat for five days.
All I could think about was cheeseburgers.
I even dreamed about cheeseburgers.
And then one freezing cold night, they lined us up, I wasn't thinking about cheeseburgers anymore.
Well, what were you thinking about? The hose.
- [SCREAMS.]
- [WHOOPS.]
I dare you to think about poker right now.
Okay, thank-thank you.
I'm cured.
Okay, now you do me.
[GRUNTING.]
Hey, Grampy, they got weirder! - Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
I think you really froze the demons out of me.
I'm proud of you, buddy.
I'm proud of me, too.
Can I have more cocoa? Sure, pal.
Ooh, with whipped cream? Coming up, champ.
[PHONE CHIMING.]
[SIGHS.]
[OFFBEAT DRUMMING.]
Never had a lesson.
So, great.
Uh, for fun, maybe you could try keeping a beat.
Sort of, uh [ON-BEAT DRUMMING.]
That's what I was doing, but okay.
And, uh, Lizzie, can you give me sort of a [VOCALIZING.]
[PLAYING KEYBOARD.]
Love it, love it.
Okay.
You guys ready to blow the lid off this dump? I'm sorry.
It's actually It's a lovely house.
One, two, three, four.
[ALL PLAYING.]
Whoo! Thank you, Columbus! We are Hazel and the Old People!