Welcome to Flatch (2022) s02e12 Episode Script

1
So I said some kind of harsh things
about Shrub's dad, which wasn't cool.
And my dad is a loser,
so I'm giving Shrub a "gotcha."
Hey, stop talking. I'm trying to aim.
Three, two.
[LAUGHING]
Gotcha. [WHEEZES]
You flinched. I get to do it again.
- Aah!
- [LAUGHS]
So it turns out my dad
is the porch pirate,
which is super messed up,
and I'm gonna fix it.
I'm secretly returning
everyone's package,
and I'm making it right.
I'm calling it "the Great Un-Grinching."
You know, giving
this super sucky situation
a name makes it a little bit less sucky.
[WHISPERING] Did you place it label-up?
Duh, you know I can't, like,
do this all day, right?
I have to paint the curb on Rosewell.
- Come on. Go.
- No.
Yes, you can.
Grab it.
Ooh.
Being single is all about
figuring out who you are,
and I am a chicken person. [LAUGHS]
So I entered Lulabelle into a
poultry show at the Agricultural Fair.
You know,
meet some other chicken people.
Oh. Whoa. [LAUGHS]
I've been showing her "Drag Race"
to get her prepared for the competition.
Even though you're a hen, you
gotta bring that rooster realness
or you are going to get dragged
out there.
You are in your chickenness.
You are the most chicken
of all the chickens.
Bawk, bawk!
Joe and I agreed to be judges
at the Agricultural Fair,
so I'm here to drop off
his official judge's sash.
You know, I didn't get
into politics for the perks,
but if you're telling me
that I get to eat pecan pie
and pet baby goats [LAUGHS]
Call me corrupt.
Uh, yes, please.
Joe? [SNIFFS]
Good God! What is that smell?
Are you eating a butter bust
of your own face?
Yeah.
Shrub has been practicing with
butter art, and he made this for me.
- Mm.
- You should try
eating yourself sometime.
It's oddly soothing.
Oh, my God, he is so bad off.
I cannot let him represent
Flatch like this
at the Agricultural Fair.
Embarrassing.
Am I afraid to see Cheryl?
No. I'm terrified.
I don't wanna relive
that pain all over again.
So maybe I haven't left the house.
Maybe I've gained three pounds
in two days,
hence the overalls.
Honey, you can't eat
your feelings after a breakup.
Oops.
Oh, my God.
We have a lot of work to do.
Hey, Kel.
Can I talk to you over here
for a second?
[DOG BARKING IN THE DISTANCE]
Fine.
So I, um
I noticed some
of my packages were missing,
and you're the only one
that knew about 'em.
Yeah, I took 'em,
and I'm giving 'em back.
I got to admit, the way you broke in
and got 'em without me noticing
is pretty impressive.
So it got me thinkin',
we should team up on this thing.
Real family business.
Come on. You're better than this.
What's the big deal?
Packages are insured.
People report 'em missing,
and then they get a new one
in a few weeks.
It's a victimless crime.
Come on. Whaddaya say? You in?
No. I'm not in, Dad, okay?
I'm not gonna steal from Flatch.
That's how it's gonna be? Fine, Kel.
Then stay the hell out of my business.
And remember,
Mallets don't rat on Mallets.
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
Okay, you ready? Put 'em in.
- I don't think I can.
- You have to.
Until I burn
my terry cloth breakup Snuggie,
I could not shake
from the bondage of sadness.
- Bye.
- That a boy.
Oh.
- I changed my mind!
- No!
It's too late. Let it go.
Now, next order of business,
you need to wash that stink off you.
Like, how much stuff did June order?
- My God.
- I don't know. She's old.
What else does she have to do?
I can't wait to be old and just
order whatever I see on TV.
Yeah, like look at this. Look at this.
The talking toilet paper roll.
[ROBOTICALLY] Wipe your butt now.
I see you pee.
- What's going on out here
- Whoa!
[GASPS] My packages!
I can't believe
you two are the porch pirates.
I'm ashamed of you both!
It wasn't us!
I'm calling the police.
Great job.
- Don't forget to flush.
- I didn't.
It's rare I get called out to Flatch
for criminal activity, but here we are.
Okay, so we found six stolen
packages in your possession.
Is there anything you wanna say
for yourselves?
Oh, yeah. There is something I'd love
to say is that you didn't
read me my Madonna rights.
[SCOFFS] I think you mean Miranda.
Yeah, the Lin-Manuel Miranda
rights, sure,
'cause those exist.
Look, you two are not under arrest.
I'm just asking some questions.
So how did you get the packages?
Uh, you wish, okay? Mallets don't rat.
Yeah! Heard that, huh?
I'm not talking!
I see you back there.
Who we got, the Feds?
That's not a two-way mirror.
What's next? Lie detector?
- No.
- Good.
'Cause I know how to beat it:
hot sauce to the eye.
How 'bout you just answer my questions?
Uh, how 'bout you give me my phone call?
How 'bout that?
You can't make a call in here.
Are you kidding me?
Everyone gets a phone call!
Also, I want a lawyer.
That where does that come in?
Oh, my God, you cannot make
a phone call in here
because there's no signal.
If you wanna use the phone, go outside.
- Go.
- Just be back here
- in ten minutes.
- Okay, whatever.
Okay, why did you have
your packages in a garbage bag?
Where'd you grow up?
Huh?
Look at you going beak-to-beak
at the Agricultural Fair.
- Big deal.
- No.
Mandy, this is just for fun.
Fun? What?
Have you ever been to the Aggy Fair?
No, but it's a fair. Fairs are fun.
Those chicken people are intense.
If they smell even one ounce
of fear on you,
they will fry you faster than
you can say Colonel Sanders.
Okay, Mandy. [LAUGHS]
Look, this is supposed
to be no pressure.
If Lulabelle and I win, we win, if not,
we go get a piece of pie
from the midway.
Look, I love Cheryl.
That's my snow sister.
But she's naive,
so I'm gonna have to go there
to have her back
because Big Mandy's nice,
but if you cross me,
I will become a wolf in your henhouse.
I love messin' with people's day.
Which Mickey do you want?
I have no idea.
None.
First step in a Barb makeover
is "New do, new you."
Now, what haircut makes you
feel most powerful?
- I don't know, Barb.
- You don't know. [LAUGHS]
When you were at your best,
what was your haircut?
I guess it would look like
it looked when I was in A-Men.
Great. Let's do that.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Do you know how to frost my tips?
Does a praying mantis
know how to eat her lover?
♪
Hey, Lloyd, it's me, Daniel Stewart.
Um, I just wanted to call
and let you know
that I'm probably not gonna be
in class for a while,
but I've super enjoyed
learning everything
that you've taught me.
Um, also, if you've heard any rumors
about me being a thief, it
They're absolutely not true.
Um, feel free to give me a call back,
and I'll clarify everything.
[CLEARS THROAT] Okay, thank you.
Oh, I was just leaving Lloyd a message.
You know, I don't want my dad,
who doesn't know he's my dad,
to think less of me before
he finds out he's my dad,
you know?
As first-time offenders,
you will be receiving a fine
and 25 hours of community service.
- [GROANS]
- Okay.
How 'bout instead one hour
of community service
and we drive around with the sirens on
as a learning experience?
Or I send you to prison for
arguing with a police officer.
No, please, no, no, no, no.
Kelly did it. Kelly made me do it.
I'm sorry. What? You should be the one
to go to jail, not me.
You're a rat. You should go to jail.
- Are you serious?
- No, you know who should
actually go to jail?
- Don't.
- Your
Hey, hey! Enough! All right?
You know, if you two did go to jail
Actually, you'd probably be fine.
- Don't I know.
- But you, on the other hand,
pale and frail.
They would eat you alive.
Nothing you can say ♪
Pig racing at Pavilion C
will begin at 2:00.
Okay, everybody.
Introducing the new Judge Joe.
Isn't it great?
I forgot how my tips make me
look like a magical porcupine.
- How do you feel?
- Better.
But what if I run into Cheryl?
Well, the old Father Joe
wouldn't have been able
to handle it because he was sad
and pathetic,
but today, you are Judge Joe
All business, can handle anything.
- You ready?
- I think so.
Chest out. Head up.
Now, let's go eat some pies
and judge some people.
[COW MOOS]
Hi.
- Are you new?
- Oh, yes. How can you tell?
Because you look like
you're out of your league.
Excuse me?
I'm Molly McConnell,
and I win blue ribbon every year.
Good luck! But not really.
[GASPS]
Don't flip your hair at me.
Mandy, thank God.
You were right.
These people are vicious.
I think we might have
to fight a pre-teen.
Okay, see, thing is, I just saw Renee.
- Couch Renee?
- Okay, first of all,
that's a terrible nickname, but yes.
She's in the Lumber Jill competition,
and I wanted to check her out.
We kind of left things up
in the air last time,
so it'd be nice to see where we stand.
Wait, does that mean you're leaving me?
What about all these intense people
who are out to eat me?
Hey, hey, hey, little lamb,
if I could clone Mandy, I would.
Hell, I've tried,
but the truth is, you got this.
I believe in you, okay?
Now if you don't mind,
I'm gonna eat, pray,
axe-throw my way into love.
Gotta get my lady ♪
Be safe.
That little girl's vicious.
- [SIGHS]
[GRUNTS, EXHALES]
Oh, this smells worse than
when Mr. Noggle would take off
his shoes in bio class.
God, this is not community service.
This is hell.
I should never have helped you.
I should've just stuck to my curb.
I'm sorry, Saint Shrub.
I look up to you. You're a hero.
You've never made a mistake.
Dude, why are you protecting Bobby?
Uh, maybe 'cause,
unlike you, I'm not a rat.
You're a liar!
That's worse than being a rat.
- You're you're lying.
- I'm not gonna tell
- on my family, okay?
- That is what
Oh, wow. Look. Here they are.
Look. These are criminals.
- What do you want, Nadine?
- Oh, I'm just trying
to teach Chantal and Griffin
the value of being good.
Look, look, look. This is what happens
when you don't brush your teeth
or eat your vegetables.
You turn into two stinky
degenerates scoopin' poop
in front of the whole town.
- That's not true, Chantal.
- The whole town.
[COW MOOS]
Oops.
[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]
♪
[BLEATS]
[HAIRDRYER WHIRRING]
I gotcha.
[LAUGHING] What is she doing?
I don't know.
One half hour.
Did I know she would be here?
No.
But am I a total professional
who can handle his emotions?
Yes.
I don't see Cheryl.
I just see a chicken mom
looking to compete.
Don't be nervous.
Hello, ma'am.
I will be your judge today.
Joe, you're here, and a judge with tips?
Just trying something new
that's old, you know?
Yeah, it looks great.
Ma'am, flattery is not gonna
influence my vote.
[LAUGHS] "Ma'am"? Oh, come on, Joe.
I'm gonna need you to leave
so I can examine your chicken.
You mean Lulabelle?
No first names, please.
Right now, she's just Chicken 153 to me.
[CHICKENS CLUCKING]
"Shy-rile."
Okay.
Come on, Joe.
Don't you think this behavior's
a little extreme?
Judge Joe.
Now, if you don't mind
Sign up if you're interested
in participating
- Fun for all.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, girlie.
Saw this deep-fried Twinkie
and immediately thought, "Kelly."
Oh.
So you don't know about the packages?
Of course I do. I have to say,
I'm pretty disappointed.
I thought you were over
that kind of stuff by now.
We're starting a business together.
You're right, and I am over
that kind of stuff.
That's not like me at all,
and it will not happen again.
It was a one-time mistake.
Please don't fire me.
Kelly, honey, I'm not gonna fire you.
I I have made plenty
of my own mistakes too.
And I went through a klepto
stage when I was your age.
- What?
- Yeah, yeah.
I stole makeup and lingerie and, oh,
paintings from restaurant bathrooms.
But you have to grow up now.
- I will.
- As businesswomen,
the way people see us matters, okay?
When people see me, they go,
"Oh, there goes Barb.
"She's confident and sexy and,
you know, approachable,
- "yet intimidating."
- Mm-hmm.
"She's an Aquarius in a Virgo's body.
"She's a leader, a mentor,
somebody that people
wanna be reincarnated as."
Yes, I totally see all of that.
Yeah, so you have to figure
out what that means for you.
Who do you wanna be? Who do
you want people to see Kelly Mallet as?
Oh, hey, Barb, um,
so for the curb on Rosewell,
I was thinking instead of red,
what if we did houndstooth?
To me, it just screams like
"Don't park here."
I'm sorry, Shrub, but since
you stole from the town,
you can't work for the town anymore.
Wait, but what about you
understanding klepto phases,
- you get it?
- Yeah, as realtor Barb
absolutely understands,
but as selectwoman Barb,
I can't let that slide.
[GROANS]
If you'll excuse me, those baby goats
aren't gonna judge themselves.
Are you kidding me, Kel?
Dude, I literally just lost
the only job I've ever liked
'cause you're protecting
your stupid dad! Again!
Mallets don't rat out Mallets, dude.
Well, I'm done being
the Mallet that you screw over.
Shrub. [GATE SLAMS]
I'm so done.
Folks, come see the biggest
pig in the state at the
Hi, Renee. Nice to see you again.
Let's see how nice it is
after I kick your friend's butt.
I thought you just came to watch.
I did, but then when I got here,
you know, the inner competitor
in me took over.
Look, there are different ways
that people flirt.
And beating you and lettin' you
see how lucky you are
to have me is my love language.
Now step out.
You in my axe-throwing lane.
I ain't got nothing ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
That's one for me. None for you.
Good luck, kinda.
What the?
Joel gave her a three out of ten.
Too bad, so sad.
See ya next year.
Dad!
Hey, Kel.
Whaddaya want?
Change your mind about
my, uh, proposition?
No, Dad, I didn't.
Shrub is the Mallet I should
be protecting, not you, okay?
I need you to turn yourself in.
Don't know what you're talking about.
Dad, Shrub lost his job
because of what you did,
and everyone in town hates us.
Again, I don't know
what you're talking about.
But if I did, I would say, you know,
don't worry about it.
Town'll move on in a couple of weeks.
Come on, I screw people over
all the time,
and they still buy my Christmas trees.
It's what we do.
I've actually been trying to be a
respectable businesswoman in town.
And if being a Mallet
means everyone thinks
you're gonna screw them over,
then maybe I don't wanna be a Mallet.
What are you sayin', Kel?
Turn yourself in or I will.
Tomorrow's the monthly town meeting,
so you have until then to fix this.
Kel, let's talk about this some more.
- Come on.
- We just did, Dad.
Kel, don't be like that.
Come on. Damn it. Jeez.
Hey, that was all off-the-record.
Just outta my face. Out, out!
[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]
♪
No.
[CLEARS THROAT] What is this?
A pattypan squash
with admirable symmetry.
No, not that. This.
Three?
I know that you are just
taking your anger at me
out on Lulabelle.
Don't know what you mean. I'm not mad.
That was a fair score for Chicken 153.
Oh, if you call her
"Chicken 153" one more time
Okay, okay, Lulabelle.
She didn't look her best today.
You know, she looked underweight.
Her feathers were molting.
Maybe it's because she's sad
that her home was broken up,
and she had no say in the matter.
Okay, Joe. What do you wanna say?
I miss you, Cheryl.
I miss slipper Thursdays
and trying to win
call-in contests on the radio
and chocolate-covered pickles.
Well, I never liked those last ones.
That was all you.
It just feels like you're moving on,
and I'm alone.
You're not alone.
And we can still hang out
and do fun things as friends.
[SIGHS] Lulabelle is molting.
And maybe it is because she's sad,
but I mean, maybe it's also
because she is making way
for a whole new set of shiny
new feathers, you know,
like those crazy, crazy tips of yours.
Crazy?
- Or magical?
- I'm not gonna answer
'cause we're having a nice moment here.
Whoa, Guy Fieri here, stopping by.
- Come on.
- Oh, my gosh, you won.
Oh, she didn't just win.
She dominated.
I did, didn't I?
[NOTIFICATION BOINGING]
[SOFTLY] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[NORMALLY] Hey, Lloyd. What's up?
So my dad just called me to
give me some fatherly advice.
And he says, and I quote,
"Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it."
Just so profound, so simple.
Just my first piece of fatherly advice.
Pretty awesome.
Today was pretty amazing. [LAUGHS]
It was nice to feel
that competitive fire again.
And maybe chicken people
aren't my people,
but it was good
to get some closure with Joe.
Oh, and more importantly, I won.
[LAUGHS SMUGLY]
Yeah, I was voted Best Chicken Handler.
Does it help to have a friend
who's a judge?
Who's to say?
I mean, yes, definitely.
What happened here today is a travesty,
and I will be reporting it
to the Poultry Board of Ohio.
That is a "no" on storing beehives
in the middle school during spring break
'cause that is absolutely ridiculous.
And Mr. Piswall, the board will
be returning your hunting gifts
because that's illegal.
'Kay, now if that is all
the new business
we have to discuss, this concludes
No. Hold on.
Um, I have something to say
about the porch pirate.
Uh, it wasn't us. Okay?
Shrub and I didn't do it.
We're innocent.
Okay, well, then if it wasn't you two,
who was it?
[SIGHS]
It was my dad. [PEOPLE GASPING]
What?
[PEOPLE MURMURING]
If you haven't already
received your package,
you can find the rest of them
in his garage.
And I'm sorry
for not coming forward earlier.
And I'm sorry for potentially
embarrassing you.
You know, I know you ordered
eight copies of "Garden State."
You haven't got those yet.
Um, and I just really, really
don't want Shrub and I
to go down for something we didn't do,
especially not Shrub,
'cause he's super awesome
and he really could not survive
in prison,
so thank you so much.
[PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
How are we supposed to believe a Mallet
when they're all liars?
- [EVERYONE AGREEING]
- Shut up!
Don't talk about my family
like that, Len.
Yeah, actually, this entire town needs
to change the way
they see Mallets, okay?
Yeah, also, if I went to prison,
I'd be totally fine, okay?
'Cause I'm charming, I'm hilarious,
and I would establish dominance
right away.
Don't push it, dude. You wouldn't.
So my dad left town.
Like, he totally disappeared. [SIGHS]
But we returned the packages
and cleared our names.
And the best part
is that Shrub got his job back.
Tell me this houndstooth isn't better.
I mean, it could be
a calling card for us.
Like, "You know Flatch,
the place with the iconic curbs."
Like a rebrand, if you will.
Yes, and we're gonna rebrand our name.
- Look at that.
- Yep, painted that too.
- You're talented.
- Eh.
Hey! Did you Mallets graffiti my wall?
Run! Run, run, run, run, run!
- Go!
- Go, go, go!
I said run, not jog!
Like, what are you doing?
- Pants.
- Run!
My underwear's, like,
fully in my butt, dude.