Whitney s02e12 Episode Script

So how that you have a sister that you haven't talked to in four years? I don't know.
We just kind of lost touch, you know.
I mean, I have some sisters that I've never talked to.
Well, most of them were made up by my parents for tax purposes.
So, when is your sister coming? She'll be here tomorrow.
Her name's Danielle.
It's her half sister, but she's really, like, cool and funny like Whitney.
But she's never as mad at me.
- She sounds hot.
- Hey! So how are you guys half sisters? And is anyone removed? I don't understand how that works.
Okay.
So Danielle and I have the same mom and different dads.
So when my mom got divorced, she went and lived with her dad, and then I stayed and lived with my mom.
I'll make a chart.
So then, she moved to Europe to live with my cousin, her uncle, Carl.
And then I moved in with her stepsister's mom, who also happens to be my cousin twice removed.
White people.
Wh--who is Carl? Give it up.
Oh, this is great, but I don't see how a picture of a squirrel driving a race car has anything to do with it.
That's Carl.
In Europe.
Were you guys close? Yeah.
She was like the best big sister ever.
Things would get chaotic and when our parents would fight, she would take us upstairs, and we would choreograph these, like, silly dances, and just, like, laugh and block out the world.
My brothers made me dance too.
Oh, that's Danielle.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna get it.
No.
No, no, no.
She's my sister.
I haven't seen her in four years.
- I'll get it.
- All right, uh Can I come with you? Okay, but just let me do the talking.
Well, when don't I? - No! - I wanna get it.
Danielle.
- Alex! - Hey, how are you? - Oh, my God.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you? You look so good.
Hey, you know what, I read that piece you did in rolling stone about arcade fire.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, they really started the whole Montreal scene.
The stuff they're doing right now with interactive media-- - mind-blowing.
- I know.
I know.
That's what you wrote, and now you're saying it.
Ahh, it's like you're famous or something.
So, what are we doing tonight? You know, honey, remember what we talked about this morning? That you think your boobs are uneven.
No, remember we were talking about how Danielle and I should have some, like, sister time alone? Oh, yeah.
Right, sister time.
Of course, I get it, yeah.
All right, well, I'll be down at the bar.
Call me if you want to fight more.
Okay.
- He stayed with you.
- I know, right? The boobs feel even to me, Whit.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
I think it's because, you know, when you stare at something for too long, and it's-- Um, do you want, like, some wine? I'd love some.
Okay.
So, uh, I'm sorry, Whitney.
About what? Well, you know, I've been kind of hard to get in touch with.
It's okay.
I mean, it happens, you know.
But you're here now.
So it's cool.
I really missed you.
Aww.
I missed you too.
You know, I thought maybe I could invite my two girlfriends over.
And we could have, like, a girls' night or something, you know.
It's not gonna be a really late night though, is it? Oh, no.
We're having margaritas.
So Roxanne will be passed out and Lily will be stuck underneath her by, like, 9:00.
Yeah, 'cause I just have to get up by 8:00 tomorrow for a doctor's appointment.
And I was kind of hoping you'd come with me.
Oh, my God.
What--what--what's going on? Are you okay? Oh, what is it? Do you need, like, an organ? Is that it? Okay, what do you need? What, my liver, my lungs, my heart? Okay, look.
If you can find it, you can have it.
Hey, have you heard from R.
J.
? He was supposed to be at work two hours ago.
I've been calling him, texting him.
No response.
I don't know, maybe he's with his new girlfriend.
No.
That handsome devil is a pain in my ass, but he's always dependable.
Anyway, I don't him and that girl are happening anymore.
Why? I saw them fighting outside the bar last night.
I couldn't hear what they were saying, but she was all like And he was all All right, come with me.
Where are we going? Well, I've been R.
J.
's best friend for a long time now.
And I've been through at least ten breakups with him.
- I know where he is.
- "Best friend"? Not today.
Okay, so you came all the way to Chicago to go see a doctor? Well, she's sort of a specialist in her field.
"Field"? Oh, my God.
It's okay.
She's an endocrinologist.
An endocrinologist? What is wrong with your endocrines? No.
Whitney, come sit down.
No, no.
I don't want to sit down.
Now you're gonna tell me everything is gonna be okay.
- Well, it is.
- No, I can't take it.
Come on.
Come on, Whit.
Sothis past year, I've undergone some pretty extensive therapy to try to find out who I really am.
Oh, look, I know it's confusing, but Lily made a chart.
Whitney, look at me.
Listen.
I can't do both.
Okay, well, just listen.
Go ahead.
I'm transitioning.
Oh.
Okay.
Good.
Into what? Into a man.
Well, we're gonna have to make a whole new chart.
Um, so you're gonna be a man.
I mean, inside, I already am a man.
Oh.
Good.
Um So when did this all, you know, like--when? Look.
I know this is a lot to take in.
And just so you know, you're already taking it way better than arcade fire.
Ah.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
- So, you're gonna lose the-- - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
And then you're gonna-- - they're gonna give you a-- - Uh-huh.
Oh.
Um, okay.
- And - Two of 'em.
Ah.
Okay, okay.
Um, so is this all happening tomorrow? No.
I mean, tomorrow is just the initial consultation.
Does mom know? I tried to talk to her about it, but she didn't get it.
She said I was being selfish and ungrateful.
Then she tried to set me up with a Jewish girl.
Wow.
Okay, okay.
You know what, I'm sorry.
This is like-- it's gonna take me a second to process.
But, um, you were like my rock as a kid.
And I just--I really want to be able to be there for you, so just anything you need.
Thanks, Whitty.
I mean, pretty soon my outside is gonna match my inside.
And I'm gonna be a guy.
- Whoo! - What's up, ladies? Girls' night out, bitches! Nope.
He's not here.
Now I'm really worried.
Oh, he's here.
Just prepare to get really confused.
I knew you'd come.
That's a really big tub.
Okay, I have, like, a thousand questions.
Okay, look.
I know everybody is curious, but this is a very personal matter and I think we should all just respect that.
Yeah, plus guys don't like to talk about stuff.
Do they? - I just said-- - No, it's okay.
Anybody can ask me anything they want.
Okay, what happens to your hands? Do you get man-hands or do they add knuckles? And what about your Adam's apple? Is that, like, a prosthetic or something? And what about your boobs? Do they turn them into balls? No, they actually take fat from your thighs.
I'm listening.
Do you think I'm pretty? Yeah, I think you're pretty.
I could be Tanner.
But I mean, I don't know.
Don't listen to me.
I'm just babbling.
Okay.
So how does this work? I mean, once you're a guy, are you gay or straight or bi? Basically, I'll be a straight man.
I'm already mad at you.
You know what, Danielle, this is actually kind of genius.
I mean, being a woman is a disaster.
It's just--it's--you know, you're always in pain, you're always jealous of someone, you know, you always have to lie to your friends about how they look.
Mm.
And my monthly visitor will be going on a permanent vacation.
- Oh, that's awesome.
- Oh, that is amazing.
Pads are like diapers.
All right, I think this deserves a toast.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Here's to looking better with age.
Ooh.
Okay, well, now I hate you.
You guys don't understand.
I need to know why Lauren broke up with me.
I have to know.
Who cares? It's over.
Move on.
But what if it's something I need to know about? Like a flaw in my character that I need to correct or a glitch in my lovemaking technique? All right, look, R.
J.
Come on.
Get out of the tub, or I'm gonna reach in there and unplug the drain.
I'm sitting on the plug.
Or mark is gonna reach in there and unplug the drain.
I probably won't.
All right, look.
Come on, R.
J.
You've been doing this since you were in high school.
You're a grown man now.
It's just pathetic and ridiculous.
Yeah.
Man up.
Hey, you know why she can't tell you why? Because there is no "why.
" She's just messing with your head.
You think so? She's playing games, bro.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And she made you question your lovemaking technique.
And she made me say, "lovemaking.
" Yeah, what's that about? I'm not wasting another bubble on that woman.
Damn right.
By the way, you are dangerously low on bubbles.
She just lost the best thing she ever had.
- There's my R.
J.
! - Yeah.
Many, many, many women are gonna come in and out of my life.
But the one thing I know I can always count on are my friends.
Thanks, guys.
Anytime, man.
Bring it in! Oh, that's weird.
Now that you're standing up, the tub doesn't look as big.
All right, so how am I supposed to act? I mean, look.
To be honest, I'm a little freaked out.
I mean, I have a hard time when Lily wears pants.
Just act normal and be supportive.
Whit, can I ask you a question? I don't know what they're doing with her knuckles.
No.
How come everybody in your family is so weird? What do you mean? This is like the least weird thing that's happened.
It's kind of what I mean.
Okay, Danielle is like the only real family I have, which means she's your family too, okay? I mean, if I have to read your brother's chain emails, you can deal with my sister's penis.
Oh.
- How do they, uh-- - Thigh fat.
Hmm.
Hi, Danielle.
So, Whitney told me everything that's going down.
And, uh You're gonna love it.
We have fun.
Thanks, Alex.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd you sleep? Are you okay? I slept great.
Are you okay? Oh, I'm never okay.
Oh, that's right.
Saddest toddler in the casino.
Yeah.
Um, all right, we should probably head out.
I don't want you to be late.
Hey, let's go do this.
Okay.
Go get 'em, bro.
"Bro"? Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
Just kidding, I love it.
What are you doing? Hey, she's not a dude yet.
Wait, does that make me gay? - Thanks for that spa day, R.
J.
- My pleasure.
If it wasn't for you guys, I'd still be in that tub.
I swore after I pledged my fraternity, I'd never let anybody shave me again, but it's a lot more relaxing when you're not sitting in a wheelbarrow full of horse crap.
I'm actually kind of hungry.
You want to hit Gino's? Oh, no.
The drugstore over there has frozen pizza.
And gum.
We're not eating at a drugstore.
Well, this coffee shop has great whoopie pies.
You know what, you guys go ahead.
I'll catch up with you later.
Oh, God.
R.
J.
, where does she live? - Who? - Lauren.
The one that you were in the tub about.
She should be home from work any minute.
Reginald Jose You should be ashamed.
You mean, this whole taking-us-out thing was just a ploy, so you could stalk an ex-girlfriend? I've been hoodwinked.
I just need to know why, guys.
I need to know why.
Wait, "Reginald Jose"? I only see six schools up here.
I would like to see a Harvard.
Oh, there it is.
Show-off.
Morning.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm Whitney Cummings.
This is my sister, Danielle.
She is the one transitioning, not me.
I know.
We've spoken on the phone many times.
It's great to finally meet you, Danielle.
Great to meet you too, Dr.
Cohen.
I talked to your therapist, and she says you're in a really good place.
I am.
I'm ready.
Good.
I have some forms for you to look at.
These are the risks involved with hormone replacement therapy.
I'm sorry.
There are risks involved? Let me just see that.
"Hair loss, hair gain, increased body odor.
" Sounds like my weekend.
If Danielle starts hormone therapy, she'll be receiving testosterone injections once every two weeks for the rest of her life.
For the rest of her life? You haven't invented, like, a one-time deal yet? I meanwe're cloning sheep.
This is different.
So, Danielle, because of the male hormones, you'll have higher risks of diseases most common to men like heart disease, high cholesterol, and stroke.
Stroke? What kind of pig farm are you running? I'm sorry? Whitney! Can you let the doctor talk? No, I have heard everything I need to hear.
- We'll go.
Thank you.
- No.
Excuse me.
This is very safe, okay? Okay, if it was safe, there wouldn't be ten pages of risks.
At planned parenthood, there's only six.
Whitney, I have thought about this every day for as long as I can remember.
Okay, well, I think you might be too close to it.
Okay, I'm going to let you two talk.
And I'll be back in a minute.
What are you doing? I asked you to come here to support me.
If you're not okay with this, then fine.
Be like dad and mom.
Be like everyone and just shut me out.
Okay, I am not shutting you out.
I am trying to help you.
God! Well, don't.
God! - Fine, I won't.
- Good.
- Maybe I should just leave.
- Yeah, maybe you should.
I will.
Right after I give you directions back to your hotel.
No, you know what, I got it.
I'll find it myself.
Just like a man.
Come on, R.
J.
This is ridiculous.
- Let's get out of here.
- Wait.
There she is.
Lauren! Lauren! What do you want, R.
J.
? I just want you to tell me why.
R.
J.
, just go home.
Why? Why? - R.
J.
! - What? Shut up! Quit embarrassing me.
Act like a man.
We've been telling him.
Look, it's killing me.
I just have to know why you broke up with me.
When is my birthday? I don't see how that's relevant.
When is my birthday, R.
J.
? Around July, sometime-- it's a holiday.
No.
When is it? It's the day I broke up with you, dummy! Now get off my street.
I'm sorry, man.
About what? I'm fine now.
You heard her.
Nothing's wrong with me.
She's just sensitive.
Great.
Now, can we go get some pizza? Let's roll.
Hey, baby.
When's your birthday? Pisces? Come on, help me out here.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, since I'm gonna be a man soon, I figured I might as well get in the habit of apologizing for things that aren't my fault.
So, I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I forgive you.
So, I signed my paperwork, and I start my injections tomorrow.
Okay.
Just be careful with this whole thing.
I just--I feel like I just got you back.
And I don't want to lose you over some guy.
What guy? You.
Oh.
Are you scared? Yeah, I'm scared.
I mean, there's, like, ten pages of risks.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
And I must have made it so much worse by being so overprotective and just-- I just--I really want to be there for you the way you used to be there for me.
So, if something goes horribly wrong, you're gonna dance for me? Oh.
You know it.
You remember this? - Do you remember this? - Oh, no, no, no.
Yes.
Watch.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
This is so dumb.
It really is stupid.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
Now my boobs really are uneven.
Oh, hey, baby.
Are you hungry? Sure.
What are you making? Don't be mean.
All right, I'll just jump in the shower.
And I'll take my girlfriend--my wife.
My sister-in-law--mm! My brother-in-law.
I'll take all of you out.
I almost forgot.
I got you something.
Thank you.
Hmm.
Aww, my first shaving kit.
This is awesome.
Thanks, dude.
Hey.
Of course, bro.
- Huh? - All right.
Oh, I'll never do that.