Abbott Elementary (2021) s02e13 Episode Script

Can I grab a doughnut?
You talkin' to me?
I You talkin' to me?
Must be talkin' to me.
There ain't nobody else here.
I am talking to you.
Can I please have a doughnut?
Yeah, go ahead.
Melissa is
bad at impressions.
And we are scared to tell her.
We just did
impressions of each other.
Could you tell?
Guys!
Come get a doughnut. Come on.
Get 'em while they're fresh.
Surprising no one,
I do not like doughnuts,
so for that reason,
I will decline your offer.
I actually love doughnuts.
You come to my house
on the day my doughnut is to be married,
and you ask me for a fritter.
- Only one?
- Yeah.
You'll be back.
Life is like a box of choc
Melissa, you're bad at impressions!
You're
No doughnut for you!
Okay. Now, that was good.
Class, pay attention.
Mrs. Howard has graciously
sacrificed her free period
to encourage you all to get
more involved in the fundraiser.
For the record, I hate hustle
culture, but this is important.
Thank you, Mr. Hill.
Unfortunately, this fundraiser
is a necessary evil.
But when you are out there
selling your candy,
hold your head up high.
We are not asking for handouts.
Well
I'm leading the fundraising
effort for the field trip
to the Franklin Institute.
It is so important for our students
to experience a world-renowned
science museum.
And we may not have discretionary funds,
but we've got grit, guts,
and a lot of chocolate.
Always make strong
but respectful eye contact.
Ooh, I got one.
In the words of Biggie Smalls,
"Never get high on your own supply."
Baby, baby.
And what do we say
when someone refuses your offer?
Suck it, boomer!
I don't know who Boomer is, but no.
What we say is,
"Thank you for your time."
Thank you for your time.
Hmm.
No, thank you.
Ms. Teagues, people aren't
paying attention to us.
Don't give up yet, David.
Sometimes you just got to
put on a little show, you know,
so that they can't ignore us, right?
Excuse Excuse me, ma'am.
It's not the most current dance,
but, uh, I do it really well, so
Hello, sir. May I interest
you in some delicious candy?
Hell no.
Good luck with your fake
basketball team, though.
Oh, hey, Maurice, you came.
Yeah, you know I love
an impromptu slide.
Wait. So these are your students
selling the candy?
Yes, but, you know, they're a little sad
because people
aren't really buying, so
I hate to seeing the lil' homies down.
Yeah.
What about $10 worth of candy?
- Really?
- Yeah, of course.
Wow! Thank you. Guys
That's called game.
You'll know about it one day.
Maurice and I have been texting
since we met at the hookah bar,
and it turns out
he lives really close by.
He sends a lot of pictures of
white celebrities that look alike.
And he never says "lol"
or "lmao" or, like, "hahaha."
He actually sends a voice
message of himself laughing.
Like, listen.
Hoo!
Yeah, he's just
a really genuine guy, so.
I was wondering, you know, maybe
we can get together sometime?
Without children present.
Unless you want to go, like, bowling
or to the movies or mini golf.
Man, children really be everywhere.
So, like a date?
If you say yes.
If not, I'm suggesting a group activity.
Okay. Well, I say yes.
Cool.
Come on, now. I don't bite.
Oh. Whose cat is this?
I don't know, I just found him in here.
He won't budge.
Think I'll get some bacon
from the lunch lady,
try to lure him out.
Cats are pescatarians!
You're telling me this cat
believes in God?
What N Let me show you
how it's done, okay?
Come here.
Come here little Cinnamon Cupcake Hill.
- His name is Milton.
- Okay.
I'm pretty sure nobody would
ever name a cat "Milton."
Hi.
What you doing here, Henry?
Came to warn me about a flood?
I just had another growth spurt,
and I don't know
if I'm gonna be able to get
a new pair of pants
before the end of the year.
I'm getting roasted alive out here.
What they saying?
"Ever think about introducing
your pants to your shoes?"
Oh, man. So funny.
These should work.
Thanks, Principal Coleman.
I see you selling those Wonka Bars.
Let me hear your sales pitch.
Pssh. Do I have to?
Yes, Bruce Banner in the middle
of a transformation, you do.
Excuse me, sir, ma'am,
or otherwise identifying human.
Sorry to interrupt your day.
My school is raising money
to see science.
Would you consider
buying a chocolate bar?
Boy, you couldn't sell a scarf
to Lenny Kravitz with that pitch.
Who taught you to sell like that?
- Mrs. Howard.
- Of course.
She's still using the tactics of a man
who could turn water into wine
and still only had 12 friends.
Now go put those pants on
before I think of another joke.
See you later, Principal Coleman.
Before you go, how long have
Chris and Liam been lost?
- Who?
- Chris and Liam.
'Cause you missing a couple
Hems-worths.
Here all night.
And now to update our total.
Whoo!
Yay!
Oh.
No.
Okay, look, we don't need money to go.
We just pick the locks on the
doors of the Franklin Institute.
Yeah, just get one open in the back,
cause a commotion in front,
and while everyone's distracted,
you just file
a couple hundred kids past.
I got this.
And as foolproof as that sounds,
I think we're gonna have
to cancel the field trip.
Oh, God, but the kids are so excited!
That's really helpful, Janine.
Okay. She's robbed a child.
Relax, Conan O'Crien.
These are Franklin Franklins.
I just took a few of the kids
under my wing,
and we sold out faster
than a Black politician.
Thank you, Ava.
But I'm about ready
to throw in the towel.
Are you sure? 'Cause it seems
like I could solve this thing like that.
But if you insist on failing,
I could just take this money
and put it towards my jet ski fund.
Lake Wallenpaupack, here I come!
Reer, reer!
Well, based on a quick calculation,
if Ava keeps this up, we would
definitely hit our goal.
That's what I've been
trying to say to y'all.
You know, Barbara, I know the last thing
you want to do is work with Ava,
but maybe just this one time,
it's worth it.
Yeah. You know, for for the kids.
- Ava.
- Mm.
I will be taking some students
to sell candy after school.
Would you like to join us?
I would love to spearhead
this get schmoney project.
Say I'm a hero.
No.
- Say I'm a hero.
- No.
Say it.
You're thinking it, though.
All right, students, Principal Coleman
is going to take the lead today.
She has a few new tactics
that she thinks can help us.
But please do not forget
everything that I taught you.
Do forget everything she taught you.
Toss it right out of the window.
First lesson act like
you've already made a sale.
Courtney, you're with me.
How many bars did you say you wanted?
What?
I said, how many candy bars did you tell
this adorable child
that you would be purchasing?
Fine. I'll take one.
You got change?
Some people might ask for change,
but those people aren't Sam Cooke,
so change is not gonna come.
Sorry, we don't have change.
Yoink.
Next lesson.
Nobody likes to buy things
from happy people,
so I suggest you come up
with an illness for yourself.
My go-to is polio.
- Ava, no.
- Barb, polio is back.
Poke yourself in the eyes
if you have to.
Tears might as well
have dollar signs in them.
And you're gonna wanna look out
for liberal white people.
Actually, I consider
myself to be a progressive.
Is there a difference?
You'll be able to spot them,
because they'll be making this face.
If you can't sell candy bars to them,
you're unteachable.
- Ow!
- Oh, Malika, are you okay?
No.
But I'd feel a lot better
if you bought some candy
from me, an at-risk Black youth.
All right, that's it!
You've gone too far.
May I have a word with you, Ava?
We'll be right back.
Ava, I thought you wanted me here
for an educational emergency.
Oh, you played your part. Thank you.
Ava, when I asked for your help,
I did not think that you would
be turning our students
into a bunch of scammers!
And you are lucky that God still
needs people to forgive.
Well, I don't know
what to tell you, Barbara.
This is how you break through the noise.
You can go back to doing it
how you were,
but you know where that's gonna get you.
But you just go too far.
These tactics are aggressive,
they're predatory.
I feel like a check-cashing store.
Fine, I'm sure we could come to a
compromise and still reach our goal.
No lying. And no racial profiling.
Those were the same rules I had
when I was selling for the ACLU.
- Oh.
- American Candy Lovers United.
Oh. Hey, Gregory. How was Podcast Club?
Well, Ava needed Jacob
for what was obviously a fake emergency,
- so it was just me and the kids.
- Mm.
It's actually the best it's ever been.
How was step without Ava?
Oh, Shayla said my choreography
was so old,
I got it from Shakespeare.
Then all the kids started
calling me Stomp the Bard,
so pretty much the same.
It's good.
Oh, hey, guess who I ran into yesterday.
- Jacob?
- Uh, no.
- Melissa?
- No.
- Barbara?
- Okay, I guess
it was more rhetorical, but Maurice!
Yeah. And guess what.
Actually, don't.
He asked me out on a date.
Um
- wow.
- Right?
Or no? I can't tell by your reaction.
Uh, uh, um, no, no, no.
It's It's good. Just, uh
Hmm. Um
- Just be careful.
- Why?
Is he a derelict?
Oh, my God. Is he a ne'er-do-well?
No, no. He's just, um
He's one of those all-or-nothing
kind of guys.
Intense.
I just, you know, wanted
to give you a heads-up.
Well, if he's someone you need
to give me a heads-up about,
then why is he one of your best friends?
I think we both know that being friends
is different than dating.
Look, I'm not trying to
talk bad about Maurice.
Really?
'Cause it kinda seems like you are.
No, it's just, if this doesn't end well,
I don't want it to blow back on me.
Oh, okay.
Well, I get that. I do.
But I promise you won't have to worry
about any back getting blown.
- I gotta go.
- Yeah, me too.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay.
You know what? I'm just
I'm gonna to my
Thanks.
There you go.
Oh, Barb!
I have a special announcement
I need you to read.
Oh, please. Does it have to be me?
I've got to get back to my classroom.
Just read it.
"Good morning, Abbott."
After a few incredible days
of fundraising,
we have reached our goal,
and we are going
to the Franklin Institute!
Due in no small part
to Principal Coleman.
Though gorgeous, the ""
I'm not reading the rest of this.
We did it, Ava!
And we technically have one
more day of fundraising left.
- We could keep going!
- No, no, no. I don't wanna push it.
Oh, come on, Barb!
If we expand to a new market
and go hard,
there's no telling
how much we could raise.
We might even be able to get
a part-time librarian
instead of just an Alexa with glasses.
- Who knows what else!
- Mm.
I just don't think you're
supposed to give milk to cats.
Every cartoon says you can.
Cartoons
Milk propaganda at its finest.
Did you put any more thought
into getting him microchipped?
Why? So Bill Gates can sign him up
for a credit card he doesn't need?
Hey, have you looked at the menu
for the spot Mo's taking you to yet?
'Cause you should already know
what you're ordering
before you get there.
Decisive women are hot.
Well, I don't wanna get
anything too, too messy,
so I'm gonna get the beef ribs.
Oh, tell Melissa what Mo did.
Oh, so we're all just
calling him Mo now.
That's
Well, he bought a bunch
of candy from my kids.
So sweet. Delicious pun intended.
Aww! Disposable income.
You know what? That reminds me.
I actually wanted to, um,
buy some candy.
I was planning on it before
we started talking about this,
so I'm happy it came up 'cause
I would like to do it right now.
My kids aren't here right now.
Yeah. Can't you buy it from
your own students?
Don't you hate candy?
Why are you guys making it so hard
for me to support young entrepreneurs?
Oh, okay. No, no, no, no.
I appreciate you, Gregory.
Thank you for supporting our students.
Just like Mo!
I thought we'd agreed you'd
put him down for a nap.
We did no such thing.
Well, it looks like Cinnamon
Cupcake Hill could use a nap.
Isn't that right, my little
four-legged floofikins?
You know, there's a type of nap
that's actually named after cats.
If he needs to sleep, he will.
Well, I am sorry for being attentive.
Once again, I'm the bad guy
for caring too much.
"Yit-dit-dit-dit-dee. Yap, yap, yap."
You're so passive aggressive.
You know what? Fine.
Ruin his sleep schedule.
But I'm not gonna stay here with
him all night when he's got the zoomies.
Fine by me.
I sleep at the school all the time!
Oh, they're doing such a good job.
I'm afraid we're gonna run out of candy!
I know, right?
These kids could sell
a humid day to a silk press.
I got Henry out here
running up the score.
Oh, here comes Delisha Sloss.
Ain't that that school-board
member you blackmailed?
Make her buy some candy.
Oh, I don't have to make her
do anything.
They're probably coming from
the pancake house in the mall,
drunk on syrup and ready to spend.
Well, hello.
And wonderful to see you all.
And to you, as well, Sister Howard.
I had a feeling these were
Abbott students milling about.
You never see any students
from Addington Charter
doing this sort of thing.
Well, by "this sort of thing,"
I'm sure you mean being resourceful
to fill in the gaps
left by the district.
Mm.
Would you like to buy some candy?
One dollar, please?
Is the candy $1 or $2?
He is correct.
It is $1.
Well, that's strange.
I already bought a candy bar
from that young man
over there earlier,
and he said it was $2.
Well, I'm sure there's
some sort of a mistake.
Henry!
Henry, would you come over here, please?
Yes, Mrs. Howard?
This lady says that you sold her
one candy bar for $2
when they only cost $1.
- Please explain.
- Get it, get it.
- Um
- Get it, get it.
- Uh
- Yep, wave it.
Oww!
Give the lady her change, please.
I can't say I'm surprised to see you
shaking down people again.
It's simply not church-like.
Ooh, ain't nothin' but money out here.
- Come on, get that sign
- Ava, did you know
that the students
were overcharging for the candy?
Oh, yeah. I told them to do it.
Great job, Henry.
Why would you tell the children
to overcharge for the candy?
It's called an incentive.
It's why, even after all the kids
knew the Ava Coleman method,
my group is still outselling
yours like three to one.
What have they been doing
with the extra money?
Whatever they want.
It's their commission.
Have you never worked retail?
I have been re-telling
the principles of the Bible
my entire life.
And that is why I am livid
that you are teaching
these children to steal!
Steal? Okay, hold on now
Henry got caught
overcharging Sister Sloss,
and I was humiliated in front
of my co-workers in Christ.
Didn't that woman
steal from your church?
That is beside the point.
I don't know that it is.
No field trip is worth
corrupting these students.
You and I had a deal, and I
made a terrible mistake trusting you.
You wanna pinch my cheeks?
My mom says it helps.
Well, it's gonna be a fun one today
at Abbott Elementary.
Okay, listen, I'm no lawyer,
but I know a thing
or two about arbitration.
My ex and I were able to settle
custody of our season tickets
to the Phillies
out of court like adults.
I just want what is best
for Cinnamon Cupcake Hill.
All you do is work.
Milton barely knows who you are.
He lives at my job!
Okay, okay, enough.
Let's get to the bottom of this.
Jacob, what do you want?
CC should live with me and Zach
in a two-parent household,
not some geriatric bachelor pad.
You don't know what kind of pad I have
or how many parents live there!
Although, my furniture is all leather.
Oh, and a suede loveseat.
So it's sorted.
Cat will live with Jacob full-time
but does every other weekend
with Mr. Johnson.
You get all the fun and
little-to-no responsibility.
Believe me, your upholstery
will thank me for it.
You want a chocolate?
You like chocolate, right? There you go.
Yeah.
What, you're giving these away?
You're very observant.
I get that all the time.
People tell me I have
quite the eye for detail.
Well, maybe not an eye for detail,
but I am very good at picking up
on subtle social cues.
You thought Mr. Morton had
a crush on you last year.
Well,
that was before I realized
I have an insecure attachment style.
I now recognize it
for the disdain that it is.
Jacob, what do you want?
I don't know, man.
You just been weird about that candy.
And as somebody who knows
your spirit, that ain't you.
And the whole Mo thing?
I mean, you seemed not edgy,
but, like, jealous.
Oh, my God is a woman!
Gregory, Gregory, Gregory!
Stop or I'll scream.
Do you like Janine?
- You're projecting.
- No, if I was projecting,
I would say, "Do you love Janine?"
Because I love Janine. I said "like."
You sound ridiculous.
The plot thickens.
You got something to say to me,
then just say it.
I already did.
Well, if you got something
else to say to me, then just say it.
But what you not gon' do is give me
the cold shoulder
in this school that I own.
Again, the principal runs the school,
does not own the school.
You know how many times
Henry comes to my office
needing pants or lunch money
or something?
I'm happy he trusts you enough
to ask for help.
It doesn't matter how much he trusts me.
I want to teach him to make
extra money to pocket
so he can take care of himself.
Some of our students
don't have it like that.
I have been an educator longer
than you have been alive,
and I am well aware of our students'
many stressors and financial situations.
But that does not mean that
they should lie, cheat, or scam.
Nobody got hurt because he sold
- that candy for a little more.
- I
And the only reason you get
to have "morals" about this
is because you can afford them.
You didn't grow up having
to make hard choices.
I did.
And what you call "scamming" got me by.
And look at me now. I own a school.
So, it turns out the cat belongs
to Brianne in fourth grade.
She, uh, lost him
when she brought him in
for show and tell,
which you are not supposed
to do, for obvious reasons.
Don't touch me!
I told you, we three should've
gotten in that car
and never looked back.
Henry, may I talk to you
for a moment, please?
I didn't mean to embarrass you
in front of your friends.
Sweetheart, you did no such thing.
I'm sorry for embarrassing you.
Forgive me?
I don't think an adult has ever
apologized to me before.
It's kinda lit.
I forgive you, Ms. Howard.
Thank you, Henry.
Would you be interested in helping out
at a church bake sale?
We're gonna need an expert
salesman like you
if we're gonna make any money.
You'll get a cut out of everything
you sell. How about 5%?
90%.
10%, and you get to keep
whatever you don't sell.
- Deal.
- Deal.
Yeah.
Barb.
Next time I do something to help others,
which I'm very good at,
I'll make sure to give you
the whole story
so that you're not surprised.
Thank you, Ava.
Honoring what I just said,
I borrowed your school ID
to get free pancakes at the
Original Hip-Hop House of Pancakes.
They give it to teachers
and not principals.
Ain't that criminal?
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, I know that your date is tonight,
and I just wanted to say
that I hope you have fun.
Mo's a really good guy.
Aww. Thank you.
He must be if he's friends with you.
Oh, um, one more thing.
Maybe don't order the ribs.
I've seen you eat ribs before.
It can get aggressive.
That's a good call.
And, you know, it was just really
shocking for the whole family.
I mean, I know I wasn't prepared
to lose her, you know.
Small, just a kid.
It really changed the way I
looked at life from that day forward.
Wow.
You know, I never really opened up
about this kind of stuff before.
Thank you for listening.
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding?
Thank you for sharing.
Well, speaking of sharing,
do you want some of this?
It's really good.
No, no, no. No, thank you.
No.
Mm.
Oh, no. I'm not done.
Oh.