According To Jim s02e13 Episode Script

RUBY: Daddy.
Yeah? Want to see an optical illusion? Sure.
Hold your fingers like this.
Okay.
Now, touch the tips together.
Okay.
(GIGGLING) What're you doing? It's funny.
Honey, that's not funny.
It's not funny when you trick somebody and you hit them.
I'm sorry, Daddy.
Oh! It's okay, baby, it's okay.
Just Just don't do it again.
Hey! Hey, Dana.
Hey, Dana.
Hmm.
You want to see an optical illusion? Sure.
Okay.
Take your two fingers like this Okay.
watch the tips Mmm-hmm.
and try to bring it together.
Ow! (LAUGHING) What's that? Where do you think Ruby learned it from? (EXCLAIMS) Oh, baby! Okay, Ruby, bet's to you.
Four pretzels.
Honey! One of those has a bite out of it.
Just bet three.
In or out, Daddy? I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in.
Better go to the ATM machine.
Jim! You signed your truck over to Ruby two hours ago.
Just walk away.
(DOORBELL RINGING) I'll get it.
Danny! Hold it right there, little girl.
You just violated household security rule number 2A, never open the door to a stranger, danger.
Did you bring me something? Yeah.
I have a puppy and some candy in my van.
Yeah! No, no, no.
Better work on those home security rules, huh, Jim? Oh, yeah, Danny, good to see you.
Cheryl, how are you? Hi, Danny, I'm good.
Well, you've been waiting for them all year.
Yes.
Tickets to the Policeman's Ball.
Oh, great! Danny, can you stay? Love to, but your security, which you feel in your home right now, is predicated upon me, patrolling the mean streets of an even meaner city, knowing that any moment I may go toe to toe with some hammer wielding psychopath.
So, can you stay? Yeah, why not? Hey, Danny, did you talk to the brass about the Policeman's Ball? I want the band to play.
They went for it.
They did! Oh! Great! Great! Great! How much money do we get paid? Nothing.
Open bar? God, no! Preferred parking? Negatory.
All right, we'll do it.
Oh, honey, a semi-professional non-paying gig! I'm so happy for you.
(SHOUTING) (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, thank you, dear.
Hold on a second.
Well, hello.
Come on in.
Come in.
Officer Michalski, I know these people are your friends, but there's an illegal cable hook up out there.
Well, that was there when we moved in.
I mean, it's the reason we picked the house.
Come on in.
Jim, Cheryl, this is my partner, Officer Laraine Elkin.
Oh! Yes.
Pleasure to meet you, citizens.
Nice to meet you.
Yes, we first met on a multiple suspect 437.
When I arrived at the scene, this diminutive minion of justice was laying her night stick right in the immobilizing nerve cluster of that perp.
Can you believe I get paid for this? Can I see your handcuffs? You break the law, ma'am, you'll see the handcuffs soon enough.
I think you better frisk this little suspect right here.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Laraine! That's gonna stain.
Why don't you come into the kitchen? I'll get that out.
It's okay, honey.
It's okay, baby.
It's just an accident.
I see you have a lovely home here, Cheryl Oh, thank you.
It's a burglar magnet.
Close those windows at night.
Hey, Danny, how about you stop by the garage tomorrow? The band is rehearsing.
We'll work up a song for the ball.
All right.
What, uh, what's been going on here? Little poker? Yeah.
You know, as a law enforcement officer, I really should stop this game.
You didn't see anything.
See, the trick is to dab not rub.
Oh! Thanks.
You know, if you ever find yourself confronted by an armed assailant, aim for the brachial tendon of the gun arm.
When you hear that pop, you'll know you're home.
Thank you.
Sorry.
I thought we were exchanging helpful tips.
Oh.
You see, look.
It's almost gone.
Thanks.
Yeah.
I'm wearing these to the ball.
What? You're not gonna wear a gown? Well, the only dresses I own are for when I go undercover as a hooker.
Yeah.
I can see how that might not be right.
But, come on! Don't you want to look pretty for the guys? You do like guys, don't you? I get that question a lot.
I don't know why.
Of course.
You know what, my sister and I are taking you to the mall tomorrow.
We are going to get you a gown.
Well, all right.
All right.
Why not? Say, we'll take my squad car.
Oh, yeah, I can park anywhere I want.
You know, that is so much better than Jim's homemade handicap placard.
(CHUCKLING) I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
Hey.
Why do I know I'm gonna find a whole lot of shoes in that bag and nothing for the boss? Here.
These were on sale.
Boxer briefs? Next stop, San Francisco.
Honey, Laraine needed everything.
She didn't even have eye shadow.
Can you believe that? Cheryl, I am not wearing these.
And she talked about Danny the whole time.
I think she has a crush on him.
Cheryl, these look too clean.
Lincoln and Douglas need room to debate.
All right, I'll take them back.
Now, focus.
I think Laraine has a crush on Danny.
No.
And neither of them has a date for the ball.
Stop right there.
Oh, come on, they're perfect for each other.
Cheryl, look who's not focusing right now? No, I'm not gonna do it.
I just don't see what's the harm in suggesting that Danny ask Laraine out.
Cheryl, there are certain unwritten rules that men honor.
I know.
I know.
Eyes straight ahead at the urinal.
But even more important, men don't meddle in other men's love lives.
Also, men never use the phrase "love lives".
Now, just drop it.
All right.
Fine.
Good.
Yeah, it's great.
That's too quiet.
I can hear you not letting it go.
I'm not asking you to meddle.
I just think it would be nice if you would nudge Danny in Laraine's direction.
What is it with you? Why can't people just be single? You can't even relax unless every woman is paired up with some guy that she can nag to his grave.
Well, I mean, I (CHUCKLING) Not talking about our marriage You know what, stop right there.
You're only allowed to dig yourself one hole at a time.
Honey, you know I love our marriage.
I know.
Honey, I know you do.
I know.
But you know what, we may not even have been married if Danny hadn't meddled the night we met.
Danny? Yeah, that night in the bar.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) (SIGHS) We've been here six minutes and not one guy has hit on us.
No.
I have to think it's you.
Oh! I am stoked.
I think this place is totally awesome and the people are so Oh, God, incoming! Hey.
How you doing? How you doing? Well I'm Danny.
My friend, Jim.
And you must be? Impressed, not! (LAUGHS) You got a great laugh.
Oh, come on.
I'm sure you've heard lots of girls laugh at you.
(ALL LAUGHING) There it is.
There's that laugh again.
That is amazing.
Oh, well, thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm Cheryl.
Cheryl.
And this is my sister Agnes.
Agnes.
I'm Agnes.
So, Cheryl, Agnes, can we get you ladies anything? Oh, thank you.
Harry, we'd like two more wine coolers and I'd like to see the dinner menu, please.
So, feeling the music.
Are you? Oh.
Yeah.
Come on, Cheryl, you want to bust a move.
Oh, no.
Oh, come on.
No, I'm not much of a dancer.
You are a dancer.
I can tell.
Oh, oh Come on, I got the boogie fever.
He's a beat daddy.
This is contagious.
Oh, I Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.
So, are you from Tennessee? 'Cause you're the only 10 I see.
Okay, we gotta go.
Yeah.
It's a long drive back to Tennessee.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, you can't go.
Why? Because Jim really likes you.
Well I've known him for a long time and I've never seen him like this.
We troll for chicks three times a week.
Troll.
That's a good word.
No, no, wait a minute, look, you see that TV up there? Yeah.
Okay, that's the Blackhawks in overtime, in the playoffs, and all he wants to do is dance with you.
Well You got to respect that level of commitment.
I mean, look at him, he doesn't even know you left yet.
(LAUGHS) He may be a little rough around the edges, and there's probably a bypass or two in his future, but But he's a really nice, loyal guy, Cheryl.
Oh, oh, oh! Come on, baby, let's dance.
Where did you go? Oh! Come on.
I'll slow it down for you, I'll slow it down.
And dip.
Whoa! There you go.
There you go.
And spin.
Oh You're good.
I didn't know Danny talked to you.
Yeah.
And if he hadn't, I would have left, and I would have never seen you again.
But because of Danny, honey, I stayed.
Eventually, you stopped dancing, and fate took over.
Three kids later, here we are.
Come on, honey, please talk to Danny about Laraine.
(SIGHS) I guess so.
I mean, you do owe him.
Oh, that's right.
JIM: A one, two Go on, Danny, go.
One more time.
All right.
Here goes.
(SINGING) All right, back to the one, guys.
One more time.
Thanks.
That was great.
Yeah, of course, I plugged my keyboard back in.
Honest mistake.
I can't wait to tell my parents that we got a gig.
Yeah, for the pigs.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Little respect here.
Oink oink at one o'clock.
No offence.
None taken.
It used to bother me until I realized anyone calling me a pig is just one planted baggie away from seven to ten in Joliet.
(LAUGHING) (RIMSHOT) I'm dead serious.
Everybody got a date for the ball? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, uh, Andy, your mom buy a gown, yet? ALL: Ooh! No, she took one out of your dad's closet.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Bring it on, man.
Okay, please, please, calm down.
Calm down.
Why doesn't everybody take five, all right? You got some beers in the house.
Hey, no staring at my wife and don't talk to my kids.
How about you, Danny? You got someone lined up, right? No, I'm going stag.
Stag? Yeah, I'm a lone wolf.
I travel fast and light.
It may seem sad and empty to you, but when my underwear hit the floor tonight, I can be damn sure they're there in the morning when I need them again.
No prospects, huh? Not even a working girl who owes me a favor.
Hey, how about that partner of yours? She seems nice.
Why don't you ask her out? Officer Elkin? Whoo! Looks like the lone wolf's got a little howl in his heart.
I have to admit, when the muzzle flash from a .
357 Magnum dances across her alabaster skin, my thoughts do stray to the unprofessional.
Wow, great.
Ask her.
She'd never go for a career flatfoot like me.
I wouldn't be too sure about that.
What do you mean? Well, Cheryl thinks she would.
You know, she's a chick.
You know, they pick up on crap like this.
I don't know how I'd ask her or when.
Most days we're crammed into a squad car with a 12 gauge between us and some shirtless drunk banging on the cage in the back seat.
Well, how about this? Why don't you bring her to the house, we'll give her a little wine, I'll have Cheryl cook dinner, and if you feel more comfortable with a shirtless drunk, I'm here for you.
Ask her to dinner.
Oh, Jim, Tony's staring at Cheryl.
I told him not to.
He said, "I don't care what Jim says.
" JIM: Tony! Tony! You see, this is what we call a light load bullet.
Half the gunpowder, so it doesn't go through the perp and rip into the flesh of an innocent bystander.
And they lived happily ever after.
Okay.
Let's put the bullets away.
But we like the bullets.
Oh, come on, you heard your mother, no clean plates, no ammunition.
Next time, when I come over, I'll tape off your room and pretend it's a crime scene.
Yeah! He's so good with juvies.
CHERYL: (CHUCKLING) Oh.
Danny, wait till you see the dress Laraine got to wear to the ball.
Oh, yeah, we had so much fun shopping.
I got this little plum number with this bronze Dana, Dana.
And Laraine is gonna look really good, too.
Did you hear that, Danny? What do you think of that? Yeah.
Well, uh Yeah, I I do some shopping myself occasionally.
I bought some cut-offs the other day.
Oh, oh, they're corduroy.
They, you know, they bear weight well and they're durable.
Well, that's one hell of a great story, huh, Laraine? I bet there's never a dull moment in that squad car, huh, Danny? They're like They're pea green.
All right, we heard it, we heard it.
Okay, girls, it's time for bed.
Can we sleep with the bullet? No.
No bullets in bed.
God, I'm gonna be such a good mom.
Look, Cheryl, you've got to give me the recipe for that string bean casserole.
Oh, oh, actually, that's my recipe.
Really? Mmm-mmm.
Cream of mushroom soup? Good guess, but no.
It's a shitake miso.
I'm going through this fusion influence right now, yeah.
Come on, I'll write it down for you.
Great.
I'll trade you one for a stew you can make in a riot helmet.
It may not taste good, but it'll probably be the last meal you ever have.
Oh, Danny, come on, come on.
Go talk to Laraine.
Cheryl lives to clear the table.
Come on.
I don't mind.
All right.
It's obvious he's too scared to talk to Laraine.
You have to do something.
Me? Yes.
Come on, I put this whole thing together.
I got them both here.
I got you to cook dinner.
And I didn't even mention that the pork chops were a little dry.
I have nothing more to give.
Okay, I'm gonna go help Dana with the kids.
You have a chance to save your friend from a lifetime of loneliness and misery.
And those pork chops are not dry! Oh, please! (IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE) I'm thirsty.
Danny, come on, you don't have to wash the dishes.
Look, you just set it in the sink and the next day, they're clean.
That Cheryl of yours, she's something, Jim.
You're a lucky guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am, with a little help from you, that night at Hannigan's.
Oh! Cheryl told me you talked to her.
Yeah, well, you would have done the same for me.
Oh, I am trying to, Danny, but you're making it very difficult.
Now, come on, let's go in there and just ask Laraine to the ball.
Uh-uh.
Why not? What if she says no? Then I'll look like a fool.
And we're riding in the squad car, we're sitting there and she knows that I care more about her than she does for me.
The awkward silence would kill me.
God! I would kill for that silence here.
Just kidding.
Come on.
Come on.
She's gonna say yes, I guarantee you.
Come on, let's just ask her.
Come on, let's go.
Come on.
Come on.
Get in there.
Oh, uh, by the way, Jim, Cheryl's pork chops Absolutely, already handled.
And then Jimmy Smits leaves, and they bring in the kid from Silver Spoons.
Oh! Officer Elkin? Yes.
Uh, since we're both going to the Policeman's Ball, I thought it would be efficient if I swing by and pick you up, as we have a mutual destination, which would be the aforementioned Policeman's Ball.
Well, I, uh She's going to the ball with me.
What? Yeah, she's gonna be my date.
Ah, I see.
Well, since everybody's transportation needs are taken care of, I guess my job's done.
Getting a little late, I think I'll call it a night.
Can I give you a lift anywhere? I'd be happy to take her.
Fine.
Guess I can't give you a ride anywhere.
Lucky for us all that Andy's here.
Well, have a good time, wear your seatbelts.
I'd hate to hose you both off the highway.
(LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) Yeah, I'm a funny guy.
I think I better just go home and clean my gun.
Jim, walk me to my car?