All In The Family s02e13 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days [ silverware clinking .]
Ma, this Turkey is sensational.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Gloria, I love your stuffing.
[ Loud sigh .]
What was that for? What, Archie? What was that for? No.
I didn't mean "what" meaning what did you say.
I meant what meaning what was "what" for? What other "what" was there, Edith? You sighed.
Did I sigh? Yeah, you sighed, and you heaved it right over in this direction.
It's like trying to eat in a wind tunnel.
Well, I'm sorry.
I must have done it "unconscious.
" That's the way you go through life, Edith.
[ Sighs .]
Now cut that out! Now, daddy, be nice.
It's Christmas.
That's what "what" was for.
I guess I sighed because somehow it just don't seem like Christmas.
- I know what you mean, ma.
- What do you mean you know what she means? Nothing.
I was going to say that mom means that we're all kowtowing to Madison Avenue And the almighty cash register.
[ Archie scoffing .]
Yeah, she means that Christmas has been exploited by big business.
It's a victim of crass commercialism.
Oh, my.
Did I mean all that? You know, Michael's right.
Christmas is never like what you read about.
Nobody ever sits around the fire roasting chestnuts and telling ghost stories.
Maybe that's it, Archie.
We got no chestnuts roasting on the fire.
Edith, how long we been living in this here house? Twenty years.
Twenty years.
In all them 20 years, you ever happen to notice any fireplaces anywhere? No.
[ Mocking .]
No.
So maybe that's why we don't have chestnuts, huh? 'Cause the house happens to be heated by radiators.
That's right, Archie.
And "radiated" chestnuts wouldn't be the same.
But it ain't just the nuts.
It's the bubble.
Huh? Ah, geez.
The bubbles are missing.
I think what ma's trying to say is you're not your gay, bubbly, christmassy self, daddy.
I am gay.
I'm gay.
I'm as gay as everybody here! Gee, you sure coulda fooled me.
What's the matter, Archie? You're acting like you're giving up on Christmas this year.
Why you so down? Where's your Christmas spirit? What do you mean? Who do you think hung the wreath on the door, huh? One of "santee's go-nomes"? Don't be telling me I'm down, huh? Well, maybe down isn't the right word.
Maybe it's-- maybe it's more like low.
Like this tree you bought.
What's the matter with the tree? Archie, look at it.
It's not exactly the king of the forest.
Yeah, or even a prince.
There ain't nothing the matter with this tree a little decorating wouldn't help.
How come nobody put the star on it this year? I tried, Archie.
But every time I put the star on, the tree fell over.
I don't care nothing about that.
I wasn't laying out no 20-30 bucks for a big tree.
Maybe if my firm would give out their Christmas bonus as usual, well, then I'd have laid out big, as usual.
But they didn't.
They're cutting back.
There was no bonus, nothing.
Gee, you really are down.
I ain't down! I'm up, up, up.
Who was the first to yell "merry Christmas" this morning? - Michael was.
- Oh, all right.
I was next then, eh? Geez.
And didn't I bring your coffee up to bed, like I do every Christmas morning? Yeah, Archie.
All right.
That shows you I ain't down.
You gotta be up to remember to do a thing like that once a year.
Well, Archie, something must be bothering you, otherwise you wouldn't be in such a mood.
I am not in no mood.
Oh, gee, daddy.
You didn't even join in the bunker glee club this year.
- Aw, the bunker glee club.
- Yeah, you didn't do your fa-la-la's.
I fa-la-la'd in the kitchen.
Maybe you didn't hear me.
Let's do it again, and we'll hear you this time.
Yeah, let's go.
Leave me alone, will ya? Get outta here.
Come on.
Let's go.
Okay.
[ All .]
deck the halls with boughs of holly - fa-la-la-la-la - la-la-la-la 'tis the season to be jolly fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la will ya? Now, that showed I ain't down, huh? I'm up.
Just leave me alone, will ya? Let me digest my dinner.
[ Carolers singing .]
Hey, it's carolers.
Look, right on the front porch.
[ Singing continues .]
Wow, don't they sound great? Oh, my.
They look so sweet.
They've been torturing us with that racket for three days.
- I'm gonna give 'em something.
- Look at Edith, runnin' me into bankruptcy, feeding them panhandlers.
We wish you a merry Christmas very good.
We enjoyed it.
[ All saying thank you .]
[ Mike .]
Merry Christmas.
Oh, my.
Wasn't that nice, Archie? I call it disturbing the peace.
I am sick of people wishing me merry Christmas whilst they're picking my pocket.
I never saw you sick of Christmas before.
Yeah, daddy.
You always liked Christmas Carols.
Everybody likes Christmas Carols.
You know, I remember when I was a kid, my family used to sit under the tree and sing Carols.
Of course, we always had a big tree.
You always have a big mouth too? Well, I mean, we didn't buy our tree in a parking lot from ferguson's supermarket.
No.
Our tree came down on big trucks all the way from Ontario.
- Hey, what did you mean by that? - What'd I say? You know what you said, Ontario.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Don't be a wise guy.
You know what you mean.
Archie, wait a second.
Ontario's a province in Canada.
Did you tell him about Ontario? I never said a word, Archie.
- Daddy, what's your problem with Ontario? - She said it again.
What are youse two trying to pull anyway? Nothing.
Listen, Professor.
Suppose your bosses said to you, "get off a special shipment right away to London," huh? What would you do? Wait a second, Archie.
What are you talking about? You'd have sent it off to London.
You'd have sent it off to London, england.
Who the hell ever heard of London, Ontario? I heard of London, Ontario.
That is the stupidest thing I ever heard of, naming two places in the world the same.
Archie, lots of places have the same name.
Like Odessa, Russia and Odessa, Texas.
Yeah.
Birmingham, england; Birmingham, Alabama.
New York, New York.
Will you stifle yourself.
Now don't be talking about that tree no more.
All right.
I didn't see you laying out any big dough for Christmas cheer.
Oh, Archie.
What about that lovely electric carving knife they gave us? [ Scoffs .]
- What about the cigars? - Cigars.
Do you call these things cigars here? When I smoke a cigar, I wanna feel tobacco between my teeth.
Not one of these plastic penny whistles.
Yeah.
I take two puffs of these and I'm singeing the hair inside my nose.
Thanks a lot, daddy.
We happened to think you might like a small cigar For when you don't have time to finish a big one.
I always finish a big one.
Even if it takes two weeks.
Sweet tipparoos.
They smell like they was dipped in a can of flit.
Archie, just because you're in a bad mood you don't have to say our presents stink.
I never used the word stink.
All I'm saying is that Christmas presents, they ought to be individual-like.
Oh, you mean like what you gave us? A box of his-and-hers handkerchiefs.
Listen, if you don't like 'em, you can give 'em back.
I told ya, I didn't get no bonus this year.
It's the thought that matters.
I love my her handkerchiefs.
How did you ever get 'em to split a box? Aw, shush.
I started talking about individual presents.
Like the time that Gloria here was a little girl.
And you wanted a real China Dolly and a Dollhouse.
A real one.
I couldn't afford that.
I was climbing the walls trying to raise that money.
A buck here, a quarter there.
Then just before Christmas, the boss gave me my first bonus.
You know, I coulda kissed the guy.
I ran outta there faster than Jesse Owens.
And I went out and bought you the most beautiful China Dolly and Dollhouse you ever seen.
That's a lovely story, daddy.
But I don't remember that doll.
That's 'cause you never got it.
Hey, hey, hey.
Your father had too much to drink, stifle yourself.
And coming up the front steps he tripped and fell.
Will you stifle yourself.
He wasn't hurt, but the Dolly and house was smashed to pieces.
Why can't you stifle? [ Doorbell ringing .]
Get that, will ya, meathead? 'Cause I don't want to look at nobody.
Geez, you've got a wicked memory.
Merry Christmas, Mike.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Oh.
Don't tell me you're delivering milk on Christmas day there, wilbur.
Oh, no.
This ain't no delivery, Archie.
Oh.
Well, then, what could you possibly be here for? Uh, well, you see, Mrs.
bunker, when I come by yesterday, you was out.
But I left the money for our milk bill with Mrs.
mcnab.
Didn't you get it? Oh yeah, I got that money.
[ Edith .]
Oh, good.
Then what do you want? It's, uh, a little bit embarrassing having to ask, if you know what I mean.
I know what he means.
I don't know what he means.
Well, you know, it's that time of year, ain't it? When everybody's givin'.
Who's givin' me? Nobody.
I'm one of the guys that gets took.
Nixon's worried about wagin' price controls.
When's he gonna stick out a little tip control? I ain't asking for no raise.
Just the same tip as last year.
Oh, that's nice, Archie, ain't it? Yeah.
What a break for us, Edith.
You're gonna think it's nice when the two of us are going over the hill to the poor house.
[ Chuckles .]
That'll be the day.
With the kind of bonuses your firm handed out this week.
Hey, wilbur, ain't your family expectin' you home with them on Christmas day? Wait a second.
Archie's firm gave out bonuses? Oh, yeah.
Old man feeney down the block told me your boss Come through this Christmas as usual.
Feeney's crazy.
There wasn't no bonus.
Are you kiddin'? I seen the new vacuum cleaner Feeney bought his missus with the bonus money.
Well, happy holiday, everybody.
Bye, wilbur.
[ Door closes .]
Now, who you gonna believe? Me, or a big-mouth milkman? I'm tellin' ya, if feeney got any extra money, it was some back pay he had comin' Because the firm didn't give out no bonus.
Well, then, why did wilbur say that your boss came through this year like he always does? Yeah.
I wonder how Mrs.
feeney's enjoying her new vacuum cleaner.
Yeah, it's lucky for her feeney got his bonus.
Ma, you'd enjoy one of those new cannister cleaners.
They're very powerful.
Yeah.
Great for picking up big pine needles from big Christmas trees.
Stop it! Stop it, both of you, this minute.
If your father says there was no bonus, there was no bonus.
Yeah.
Why don't youse, uh, go on, help your mother clear off the table or something.
Come on.
[ Carolers .]
it came upon a midnight clear aw, these singers are going to drive me out of my nut.
Get the hell away from this door! Uh-- merry Christmas.
Oh, merry Christmas, sister there.
Uh, hold it.
Hold it, will ya? Hey, uh, hey, Edith, will ya get your bag? Yeah.
How do you do, sister? Here you are.
Merry Christmas.
Wait-wait a minute, Edith.
You know, we can do a little better than half a buck.
Well, it's a dime anyway.
Bless you.
Good-bye.
Why do you leave me alone like that to answer the door? One thing I can't stand about this time of the year, everybody's out on the make, including all your churches.
Ah, daddy, she was just collecting for the needy.
Yeah.
I love the way those children sang.
It came upon a midnight clear will you stifle yourself, Edith.
I mean, just for a change, can we have a little silent night around here? Oh, all right.
silent night no, no.
Edith.
You're scrapin' a nerve.
You know, I think when you was a kid, somebody must have dropped you on your throat.
Oh, look at this back here.
Hey, get out from under the mistletoe.
You're making it droop.
Archie, will you quit being so sore? Yeah, daddy, cheer up.
You're acting like scrooge.
Aw, don't "scrooge" me.
I'm the only one around here that understands the true and solemn meaning of Christmas.
Which is a time for peace and quiet "contemptation.
" Oh, but I think you're allowed to be jolly too.
Sure you can be jolly, Edith.
Just be jolly with your mouth shut.
Just sit there and think.
Think what? Don't be a dingbat, will ya? Think.
Think religious thoughts.
Oh, drinking beer, daddy? That's real religious.
What's the matter with that? Geez, the Bible's full of wine.
No, God don't have nothing against taking a drink to celebrate his son's birthday.
Archie, there's no proof that Jesus was God's son.
That's-that's fairy tales.
Aw, come on, you meatheaded atheist you.
Gee.
They don't give you a holiday for fairy tales.
All over the world they celebrate the birth of that baby.
And everybody gets time off from work.
Now if that ain't proof that he's the son of God, then nothing is.
Archie, I'm not saying that a philosopher named Jesus didn't live in those days.
I'm saying there was no proof that he was the son of God.
- Like I said, it's fairy tales.
- The Bible ain't fairy tales there, meathead.
The Bible is facts all the way, right from the beginning When God made the world in seven days.
Six days, Archie.
Seven days, Edith.
No.
On the seventh day he rested.
Well, maybe half a day, Edith, but the other half he went around checking on what he'd done.
And he made us all one true religion, Edith, christians, which he named after his son, Christian.
Or Christ for short.
I never thought of that.
Certainly.
That's the way it was for a long time.
One religion.
Till they started splittin' off into all them other "denumerations" there.
Your catholics, your "persbytarians.
" Lutherans, et cetera, et cetera.
But there's still only one true religion to this day, and that's his religion.
Of course, that's the one you belong to, right, arch? I'd be kind of stupid if I didn't, wouldn't I? [ Chuckles .]
Yeah, I tell you.
My heart goes out to a lot of guys I know.
Yeah, they spend their lives believin' one of them offshoot religions, you know? Sendin' their kids to them there.
Givin' 'em money.
Runnin' dances for them.
And then in the end they get up there And they find out they was foolin' around with the wrong one all along.
That's sad, you know that? [ Doorbell ringing .]
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it, everybody.
I'm gonna get that.
There's gonna be no more panhandlin' from this door today.
Who are you? It's me, Jefferson.
Oh, geez.
Well, how was I supposed to know that? It's Mr.
Jefferson dressed up like Santa.
Come in.
Hold it.
Hold it.
There's more of them here.
[ All saying merry Christmas .]
Oh, I hope we are not interrupting anything.
Oh, my, no.
You're very welcome.
[ Laughs .]
So you're supposed to be Santa claus, are you? Ho, ho, ho.
You look more like a rabbi to me.
Oh, Henry is playing Santa down at the youth center.
So we thought we'd drop by on our way and leave this off.
I baked it myself.
Oh, look, Archie.
A lovely fruitcake.
Much obliged, Mrs.
j.
Thank you, Louise.
Come on.
Have some eggnog.
Look, Gloria.
Oh.
I see you go for the latest thing in Christmas trees.
Huh? Yeah, the Japanese dwarf species.
[ Mike .]
Mr.
Jefferson, you want some eggnog? Sure would.
Thank you.
I hope it's not too strong for ya.
Merry Christmas, neighbors.
[ All .]
Merry Christmas.
Oh, this is great eggnog, Mr.
bunker.
You ain't just whistlin' Dixie there, Lionel.
Oh, I never do that.
Well, let's everybody sit down and we'll have a nice visit.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on.
Come on.
Sit down, all of youse.
As long as youse are here you might as well-- but not in my-- aw! Is that a new coat, Louise? Yes, isn't it beautiful? George gave it to me for Christmas.
Oh.
I ain't seen your husband George since you moved in there.
- What's he doing with himself? - Well, he's home watching the new tv we gave him.
[ Edith .]
It sounds like you're having a wonderful Christmas.
[ Louise .]
We are.
And how did you do, Edith? Oh, well, Archie got me a lovely box of-- we all give ourselves kind of personal items, Mrs.
Jefferson.
We don't talk about them.
Come on, Louise.
I'll show you what Archie gave me.
Now don't do that, Edith.
Oh, geez.
What's the matter, bunker? You don't look too good.
What do you mean? I feel fine.
I feel just fine.
But, while we're on the subject of looks, if you're gonna play Santa claus, Santa claus was white and so was his beard.
Told you he'd say that, Uncle Henry.
That's ridiculous.
I'd look silly with a white beard.
And who said Santa claus was white? Come on, now.
I had the same argument with you about Jesus.
I hate to go over old ground again, but the fact is, Jesus is white and so is Santa claus.
Yeah? Let me tell you something, bunker.
Yeah.
When I was a kid on Christmas Eve, the guy that used to fill my stocking was black.
- Let me tell you something-- - we ought to get going.
You know the kids down at the center, Uncle Henry.
Let's go, ma.
Hey, Lionel, can we go with you? Yeah, sure.
Come on.
Oh, great.
Ma, you don't mind, do you? We won't be long.
No.
Go right ahead.
Have a good time.
Thank you, Louise.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, bunker.
Peace.
Oh, geez.
Oh, Archie, wasn't that nice? Nice? What do you mean nice? What's nice about it? Guy comes into my house dressed up like a famous white person.
Sits in my chair.
Then he goes out on Christmas day making a pinko sign like that.
I didn't know peace was pinko.
Aw, Edith.
Listen, listen.
I wanted to tell you something.
What is it, Archie? Well, it was about that thing before-- you want to thank me for understanding about your Christmas bonus, don't you? Why don't you never wait for me to tell you nothing? I want to thank you for understanding about my Christmas bonus.
See, I didn't want you to think maybe I got the bonus and blew it on something else, or maybe I was like too stingy to spend it, you know? Oh, I never thought that, Archie.
I guessed that you didn't get your bonus this year Because of that mistake you made down at the plant.
- You guessed that, huh? - Well, yeah.
I figured that when you sent that shipment to London, england instead of London, Ontario They kept your Christmas bonus as a fine.
Yeah, see, they kept my Christmas bonus as a fine.
Thank you for telling me, Archie.
[ Sighs .]
Well, I guess it ain't such a bad Christmas after all, huh? Hi, mom.
Hi.
Did you have a good time? Oh, yeah.
It was great.
There must've been Oh.
Upstairs.
Yeah.
Where's daddy? Is he in a better mood? deck the halls with boughs of holly fa-la-la-la-la [ All .]
la-la-la-la 'tis the season to be jolly fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la get out of my chair, meathead.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.