American Auto (2021) s02e13 Episode Script

1
- Market is about to open.
- What's the price?
55.13.
So we only need to get it up
three points
by the end of the day. Easy.
3.01.
If we're at 58.14 by the end of the day,
we all keep our jobs.
58.13, we're all fired.
We're gonna make it.
All of Wall Street watches this show.
We just gotta hit the talking points.
Right, $10,000 Pika is the
most affordable car in its class.
It's available
for pre-order starting today.
And if they ask why
we're selling direct
How about,
"The dealers hated it so much,
they refused to sell it."
No, not that one.
The Pika is a car for the people,
so why not offer it
directly to the people?
Wow, I almost believed that,
and I know you're lying.
And if you get asked a
question that you can't handle,
just say, "I feel positive
and confident about it."
I've done a lot of TV, Sade. I'm a pro.
They won't even need to edit me.
Well, it's live, so they can't.
Wait, what?
What if I say something
I'm not supposed to
and there's not take backs.
Like, what if I suddenly
just start shouting "penis."
Why would you start shouting "penis"?
'Cause I'm not supposed to.
Wesley, just breathe,
and remember,
"I'm positive and confident."
Positive and confident.
Positive and confident.
Okay, that helps.
You know, it's funny now that
Wesley said the word "penis"
- it's all I can think about.
- [sighs]
Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis.
Penis.
Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
[chorus vocalizing]
Making another
interest rate hike by the Fed
all but certain.
The Payne Pika launches this morning.
We'll talk about it after the break.
And we're clear. Two minutes.
Positive and confident.
Positive and confident.
You guys will be seated here,
Katherine in the middle,
Wesley on the end.
Dan Abbas, glad you could make it.
Katherine Hastings.
Thanks for having us.
- Positive and confident.
- Hi.
- Wesley.
- Oh, uh, sorry.
Wesley Penis. Pleasure.
[clears throat]
- Positive and confident.
- [chuckles]
Positive and confident.
You said I'd be answering
questions about the car.
You didn't say
I'd be standing next to it
on national television.
Okay, You hate the Pika. I get it.
You do? 'Cause I thought
I was being subtle.
Look, all our jobs depend
on you selling this thing.
So can you please just
try to act excited about it?
Helen Mirren couldn't act
excited about this turd.
Fine.
I'm excited about the Pika.
Ten seconds until live.
Oh, I've got all this saliva
in my mouth.
There's like, a ton of it. What do I do?
- Do I spit it out?
- Just swallow it.
- Just swallow it.
- Okay.
Just swallow it.
It's too much, too much. I can't.
- Swallow it.
- I can't.
- Swallow it.
- I can't.
The Pika, Payne's new $10,000 car,
starts taking pre-orders today.
Here to talk about it
are Payne Motors CEO
- Katherine Hastings
- Great to be here, Dan.
And also investor and Payne
family member Wesley Payne.
Hi, Dan. Oh.
- Ugh, God.
- Oh, oh.
You all right over there?
Sorry.
I got some bad saliva advice earlier.
I think you know, I think we're just
all salivating over the sales
that are projected
- for the Pika.
- Nice recovery.
Auto companies are always
racing to add features
- to their cars.
- Yes.
But you've gone
in a different direction.
Yeah, you know, Dan,
the Pika has two features
that other cars don't.
Why is he just staring
into the camera like that?
Is he having a stroke?
Nah, his face would be
drooping to one side by now.
He's probably [bleep] his pants though.
Now, Cyrus, you designed the Pika.
What can you tell us about
reducing cost without
sacrificing safety or function?
Dan, I gotta tell you,
this is one hell of a car
we have for you today.
Whoo-hoo! Wow!
She's a beaut!
I mean, from the roofs to the wheels,
these cars are steals.
And you can only get it at one place.
- He's coming on a bit strong.
- Yeah, it's a lot.
We've got Payne Pikas
in Detroit city ♪
That's a capital P,
and that rhymes with C ♪
And that stands for cool ♪
- [sighs]
- Uh sounds like he's a fan.
Yeah, well, I know the enthusiasm
might seem like a lot
or maybe even too much,
but we're all just so excited
about what's happening
over at Payne.
We're turning a corner,
and we have watched
our profit margins grow
very steadily
over the last two quarters.
Guys, we're surging.
- Really?
- Yeah, we're already up
almost two points. Look.
- I think we're gonna make it.
- Oh, boy.
What? Uh-uh. What What's oh, boy?
Dan, there's a breaking news story.
Um, is it a good breaking news story?
Since when has there been
a good breaking news story?
And, you know, the glory days are back.
- I feel
- I'm so sorry to interrupt,
Katherine, but we are getting
a story out of China.
The Port of Shanghai has been shut down
due to Typhoon Meilin.
The markets are already reacting
- given that the port
- Oh, we're dropping.
- The whole market's dropping.
- Come on, baby.
I need you to go up. Go up.
Yeah, I don't think
that's gonna save it.
Looks like the Nasdaq has
already taken a major slump,
and the Dow is in near freefall.
And who knows how much lower
it could go?
Oh, or higher. Or higher, right?
Or how much higher will it go,
you know, for companies like ours
that are so well-positioned
for a, uh, um, uh,
a typhoon, yeah.
I feel positive and confident about it.
We will continue our discussion
in what is shaping up to be
a brutal day for the markets
after the break.
Oh, penis, penis, penis,
penis, penis, penis.
Oh, I was scared I was gonna say it.
And we're clear.
[bell ringing]
Thanks for coming.
Kind of makes you miss the fire.
Yeah, I think that went well.
Yeah.
I mean, the whole market's down, right?
It's not just us.
They can't fire us
for a hurricane surely.
Please, Soren hates me
so much he probably started
the [bleep] hurricane
just to get rid of me.
- It's a typhoon.
- What's the difference?
There isn't one, really.
It's basically the same thing.
Definitely worth correcting me then.
It was just bad luck.
There's literally
nothing we could've done
that would've made
any difference whatsoever.
Mm, screaming "penis" a bunch of times
- probably didn't help us.
- But it didn't hurt us.
Guys, this isn't over.
We still have five hours.
We just need a plan.
Is there anything we could do
with, like,
moving them numbers around
on paper to make it look like
we're worth more than we really are?
Right. Can anyone beat
Jack's accounting fraud plan?
Ooh, what about that guy
from Morgan Stanley
that everyone listens to?
- John Hampton?
- Yeah.
He's had us as a sell
ever since I started.
What if we got him to make us a buy?
I've tried to get a meeting
with him; he says no.
Well there's something
you all should know about me.
I don't take no for an answer.
- I actually did know that.
- Hey, driver, change of plans.
We're going to Morgan Stanley.
Wait, so we're all just
gonna ambush him at his office?
Mm, good point.
Uh, driver, just pull over.
Elliot, Sadie, come with me.
Everyone else, you can just
go back to the office.
You're just gonna kick us out
on the side of the road?
Look, guys,
I know things look tough, okay,
but I don't give up.
So what are we gonna do?
Get that stock up.
- No.
- Take an Uber home?
- No, that's not
- Trust ourselves
and know that teamwork can
Not not give up.
I what I literally just said, okay?
What are we gonna do?
[together] Not give up.
Not gonna give up.
Oh, it just sounds awkward.
All right, what are we not gonna do?
[together] Give up.
Now it sort of sounds like
we're chanting "give up."
Showing up unannounced to his office
just feels a touch aggressive.
Oh, it's extremely aggressive.
You can't be too aggressive.
It's great, because it's inappropriate.
It's almost unhinged.
He'll never see it coming.
Hi, we need to speak to John Hampton.
Oh, I'm sorry. He can't today.
Oh, I think that he can today.
You tell him it's Katherine Hastings,
it's urgent, and I won't
take no for an answer.
John was rushed
to the hospital this morning
after his appendix burst.
Okay, this feels really aggressive.
Cannot be too aggressive.
Look, guys, we can't give up.
Katherine's not giving up.
There's got to be something
simple we're not thinking of.
Right, something simple
that adds five points
to our stock price
in the next four hours.
Hmm, oh,
why don't we just up Warren Buffett
and see if he'll invest
a few hundred mil?
Jack, you have him on speed dial, right?
Ha-ha, good one, Cyrus.
You should be
the chief sarcastic officer.
I mean, theoretically if we just said
Warren Buffett was investing,
other people would follow.
By the time they found out
we were lying,
the markets would be closed.
- Period.
- Yeah.
That would be a fun story
to tell the other inmates
while you're begging
for redemption at Shawshank.
Okay, hey, hey, hey.
What if we didn't say he was investing,
but we just implied it,
like, we took a photo of him
meeting with us
and leaked it online?
And how do we lure him here, exactly,
put out milk and cookies
and hope he climbs
down the chimney?
Ooh, what if we got
an impersonator, right?
We had a Michael Jackson lookalike
for my nephew's birthday party,
and the kids loved him.
This was before the documentary.
Or hey, why even bother with that?
Let's just stick the janitor
into a business suit
and pretend like
he's Warren Buffett, right?
[laughs]
That's funny, right?
Hi. Knock-knock.
Hey, John.
Hi. Katherine Hastings, Payne Motors.
This is our CCO, Sadie Ryan.
Hey, I left you a couple voice mails.
Elliot Chisholm, our chief counsel.
Gotcha a little pick-me-up
from the gift shop.
W-why are you just standing there?
I don't like all the germs,
fluids, and that.
- Give him the bear.
- Yeah, all right.
Here you go.
Enjoy it in good health.
Okay, thank you.
John, I know the timing's not ideal,
but I'd love to share with you
some of our financial forecasts
for next year.
Sadie, can you, um, help him?
Oh, you mean, just Yeah, sure.
Here we go.
- [groans]
- Sorry, John.
Yeah, I think you're really gonna like
what you see here, John.
- [coughs]
- [bleep] me.
Just put on a mask, mate.
Is this which is more?
It's not that difficult.
He totally looks like Warren Buffett.
Mm, not really.
Hey, it fits great. Thanks, Robert.
Okay, Bronislaw, you just
sit there and act impressed.
As far as the camera's concerned,
you are Warren Buffett.
I'm Warren Buffett, yes.
Hey, hey, hey, guys,
I'm gonna take a picture
through the glass
so it looks like a sneaky photo
of a secret meeting or something.
Love it.
Maybe we should lose the Fritos.
Why can't I eat Fritos.
You're Warren Buffett.
He's rich.
He can eat whatever he wants.
So what exactly do you want
me to pitch to ol' Warren?
Oh, well, you just sit there
like you're in the meeting,
and I'll do the pitch.
- Oh, good.
- Hey, guys.
What if I shoot it through a plant?
Okay, sure.
Ooh, it looks like "Jurassic Park."
Mm.
I'll just go ahead and do it
if you need me to.
I mean, I'm the chief designer.
Oh, yeah, well, it's a fake photo,
so it doesn't really matter.
I agree. This is all pointless.
- So I'll just do it.
- Great, I can do it.
Or I'll do it.
- Well, that makes no sense.
- I'll do it.
We got a toilet overflow
in the men's room on six.
I can't do it right now.
I'm Warren Buffett.
What?
I said I'm Warren Buffett right now.
Turn that off. Turn that off.
[walkie-talkie beeps]
Our valuation multiple
is 11.2 times earnings,
and our projected revenue
is up 9% year-over-year.
- My stitches hurt.
- What's that?
What did you say, John?
He said his stitches hurt.
We ready for some more pain meds?
- We're not quite done here.
- Excuse me.
We need about two more
minutes if that's okay.
- No.
- I don't think so.
Just need two minutes here.
He seems to really need the meds, so
Oh, okay.
Well, I mean, I'll tell you what,
you can really get addicted
to that stuff.
I ran a pharmaceutical company.
I know what I'm talking about.
[groans]
You're stepping on his catheter.
- Oh, God.
- You all need to leave.
- We're going.
- Okay.
John, the Pika launch
is perfectly timed for a
- Ow!
- Catheter, catheter, catheter.
Pika's really
It's just a game-changer.
Payne is in a totally different
position than it's been
Get well soon, John. Thank you, nurse.
I think you want to reframe
We're out.
It's really in terms of optics
If you look at last
quarter's financial numbers.
Just keep your gaze
focused here, you know.
[both chattering simultaneously]
What are you guys doing?
Who's he?
I'm Warren Buffett.
That pretty much covers it.
So how'd it go with the analyst?
Oh. [blows raspberry]
Bust. Sorry, guys.
I really tried my best.
Hey, Dori, will you bring me my Crocs?
Furry rim.
Wait, you're giving up?
I thought you never give up.
Yeah, I guess I I need
to change that expression.
Sometimes I give up.
But no, no, no, but there
There's always something left to do.
Eh.
Katherine, you have that photoshoot
with the Pika later.
Do you want me to cancel it?
Oh, God.
No, I guess I'll just get it over with.
Probably need new photos
for my LinkedIn page.
[quirky music]
Bronislaw, you can clean
all this up, right?
I can't believe we're really
gonna lose our jobs.
I haven't looked for a new job
in, like, a decade.
If I lose my job,
I might not be able to stay in America.
- So am I gonna be okay?
- I don't know.
What the hell? Just say yes.
- But I don't actually know.
- Okay.
So pretty soon we might not
be working together anymore.
We might not be.
Yeah, duh, that's what
we were just talking about
for the last five minutes.
I'm taking you out for a drink tonight.
- You are, are you?
- Mm-hmm.
That's what's happening.
Oh, and something
you should know about me.
I don't take no for an answer.
[chuckles] Well, all right.
Wow, you just, like, went for it.
That was incredible.
Guys, I think I know a way
to fix all of this,
but, Sadie, I need your help.
- Let's go.
- Oh, okay.
Good luck.
You just, like, went for it.
I'm telling you this is not a good idea.
Trust me.
[in silly voice]
I heard someone got a boo-boo.
Hey.
Oh, God. [groans]
Wesley Payne, not my real voice.
How are you?
Yeah, that looks great.
Just a little more attitude.
Maybe a hand on the hip,
or could you smile a little more?
Yeah, we're we're happy.
You ever see those hostage videos
where they claim
they're not being tortured?
Great, yeah.
Look at me, Katherine. Look at me.
Oh, my God.
- I'm stuck in a house.
- Can we take a break?
I'm stuck in a house.
- Can we take a break?
- I just need a second.
- Sure.
- Take your time.
- Oh, God.
I can't even fake a smile.
And I am great at faking
a smile, like, world-class.
[scoffs]
Man, that is an ugly car.
Well, for all we know,
we could be the ugly ones,
and it's actually pretty,
like in that "Twilight Zone"
with the bandaged lady.
Who cares if the car is ugly, right?
No one drives a car and thinks,
like, "Oh, my God.
This is ugly."
They're thinking, "This is
way faster than walking."
And you made that.
Yeah, I guess I did have
a little to do with it.
Mm-mm, no, no, no, no, no.
It was all you.
[chuckles]
It's not so bad.
I mean, it looks like a car, right?
If I saw that on the street I'd think,
"Yep, that's a car."
Hey, Cyrus, is this thing road-ready?
I mean, as much as any of them are.
What do you say we go for a drive?
John, Payne is like a rocket ship,
but right now, you're the asteroid.
Why are you doing this to me?
I tried to stop him. He wouldn't listen.
But, John, you have the power
to be part of the solution.
If you what are you doing?
John, no, don't call the nurse.
- Put this down, John.
- Wesley, it is over.
- Wait, no. Please, please.
- Let's go.
Hey, hey, I'm literally begging.
I'm begging here, man, okay?
Please change your rating.
Just change it.
What do you want me to do?
- I'll do anything.
- Can you stop talking?
- I'll eat [bleep].
- Please don't.
I will eat [bleep]. Where's the bedpan?
I will literally eat your [bleep].
Give me your [bleep].
I'll put it in my mouth.
That's how much this company
means to me.
Come on. Let's go.
We'll talk another time.
No, there is no other time.
After today Katherine's gone.
Wait, what? Hastings is out?
- No, I didn't say that.
- No, he doesn't mean that.
No, no, I didn't mean gone. I just
You said that. I didn't say that.
What's going on? Why do you
keep pestering this man?
I don't know.
We just we just do.
- Out.
- Yeah.
Okay. I'm taking the bear.
You can't turn me down'
and keep the bear.
It doesn't make sense.
[quirky music]
Katherine, I think it's cool.
This is gonna be a lot
of people's first car.
So for the rest of their lives,
even when they can afford nicer ones,
they're always gonna remember the Pika.
I mean, it's not a luxury car,
but it drives okay. It's decent.
And to think a year
and a half ago you were like,
"Let's build a car."
And look at us. We sitting in it.
- [chuckles]
- You made this bitch.
Yeah, you're right. I did.
Hey, look at this car. I made this car!
That's right, Katherine. Live.
I mean, come on, Cyrus,
we made a car. Be proud.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I guess we did.
[laughs] No, say it. Come on.
We made this bitch.
We made this bitch.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We made this bitch!
We made this bitch!
Yeah, okay.
All: We made this bitch!
You made me make this bitch.
- We made this bitch.
- We made this.
- We made this.
- We made it.
In a rare phenomenon,
the typhoon combined
with Typhoon Shayla
to create a super typhoon.
I don't have any regrets.
I made a good car, a few friends.
I wouldn't have done
anything differently.
- Maybe not the fire, though.
- Other than the fire.
Yeah, I was gonna say that.
With Wall Street responding in kind
as stocks hit a ten-year low.
You guys think we'll all
still hang out after this?
I'll probably get a coffee
with Sadie in six months.
And we'll say, "Let's not wait
another six months
to do this again."
But we will, and that'll be fine.
There are currently
rumors circulating
- Hey, look.
- That Katherine Hastings
will be out as CEO of Payne Motors
How the hell do they know about that?
- Uh, okay
- I bet that Soren
leaked it to the press probably.
- Totally.
- God, I hate that guy.
I wish he would get caught
in a hurricane.
- Typhoon.
- Really?
At least the stock price
is going up, though.
Wait, the price is going up
because I'm leaving?
No, come on, stock goes up
for a lot of reasons.
You can't just assume that
Assume that
Hastings' exit causing
the share price to surge.
- That that's the reason.
- Wow, it is really going up.
[scoffs] I get it. I'm terrible.
No, I mean, it's really going up.
Changes ahead for Payne
- How how far away are we?
- Three points.
The market closes in 17 minutes.
- Okay, is this even possible?
- Maybe.
- Okay, keep going.
- Climb, climb.
- Keep going.
- Up, up.
- Okay, baby.
- Come on!
57.75.
- 57.77.
- Mama needs this!
- 57.90.
- Oh!
If I sold my shares right now
I'd make so much money.
Shut up, Wesley.
If you jinx this I'll kill you.
- 58.13.
- Do you believe in miracles?
[bell dinging]
[all cheering]
Oh, my God!
[all cheering]
Ready for more, are you ready? ♪
Ready for me
[upbeat music]
Are you ready?
[knocks]
- Hey.
- Hey.
So looks like we'll still be
working with each other
after all, huh?
Uh, looks like we will be.
Guess we will have to put
a pin in those drinks.
- You want to cancel.
- What?
No, no.
I thought I figured since you
We are still on, my friend.
Oh, and there's something
you should know about me.
I don't take no for an answer.
[chuckles]
Well, I guess I can't say no then.
I guess you can't.
- Good night, Bronislaw.
- Good work today, dude.
- I am Warren Buffett.
- Okay.
You know, I'm gonna stop
seeing my psychic.
She was wrong about everything
she predicted today.
I mean, in fairness to her,
it was a pretty insane day to predict.
Still, that's her job.
You guys will never guess
how much money I made today.
Don't even try. Okay, guess, guess.
$100.
Oh, my God, dude, you're way off.
Ah, if feels good to be on top.
Guys, don't get too excited.
As soon as it get out
that I'm still here,
there's gonna be a massive sell-off.
Sorry to be the boner-killer
at the party.
Who cares what the haters think?
- A win's a win.
- I know.
I don't need Wall Street to
tell me that I am a good CEO.
I mean, just because some
dumb analyst decided to put
- Wait.
- A bull's-eye
Wait. Wait. You've got to see this.
You've got to see this.
It's unbelievable. Oh, my goodness.
- This is unreal.
- Did he always run like that?
He's like the BFG.
But he's not fast. The BFG was fast.
[gasping, laughs] [coughs]
- Sorry, one second.
- Oh.
Sorry, I ran a really long way.
Check it out.
People love the Pika.
Look at these pre-orders.
There were so many people
on the web site it crashed.
200,000 orders in a day?
- How?
- Check your news feeds.
- We're everywhere.
- "Less is more.
The bare-bones appeal of the Pika."
"At a time when drivers are overwhelmed
"by new technologies,
"the Pika's simplicity is refreshing.
Sometimes you just want to get
from point A to point B."
I have, like,
200 emails here from reporters
- that want interviews.
- Twitter loves us.
"Finally a tech-free car
that won't read my thoughts
and try to turn me gay."
Well, mm, well, a sale's a sale.
Okay, well, from "Motor Trend,"
"The Pika's a lo-fi antidote
to our stressed out,
tech'd out lifestyles."
Exactly. That was the vision.
Andy Richter DM'd me.
"Trying to get a Pika.
Anything you can do
to help out a friend?"
- A friend.
- Oh, my God.
- Soren left a voice mail.
- What did he say?
He's freaking out.
Okay, this tweet.
"Finally a car from simpler times
before we had a president from Kenya."
- Come on, Twitter.
- It's a hit.
The car I created is a [bleep] damn hit.
- [laughter]
- I designed it, so
I'm a good CEO.
- Yes.
- I'm a good CEO.
- Yes.
- I'm a good CEO!
[all cheer]
And you know what this means, right?
We are done scrambling.
We have power now.
- And money.
- Yes.
- We just sold a lot of cars.
- Yes, power and money.
And you know what you can do
when you have power and money?
- Anything you want.
- Space travel.
Yeah uh, maybe, maybe not.
That's a while from now.
All I know is, I am done.
We are done playing defense, all right?
It is our turn to make some moves.
Yes. [all cheer]
Somebody call me an Uber!
[upbeat music]
Ow!