Back to the Future (1991) s02e13 Episode Script

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) MAN: (SINGING) Tell me, Doctor, where are we going this time? Is this the '50s Or 1999? All I wanted to do Was play my guitar and sing So take me away I don't mind But you better promise me I'll be back in time Gotta get back in time I'll be back in time Gotta get back in time Salutations, Science Fans.
Emmett L.
Brown here, checking the fit of my latest invention.
I call it the ELB Pediatric Policer.
It operates on the same principal as a lie detector, measuring sudden changes in blood pressure, skin temperature, pulse rate.
When a child knows he or she is doing something wrong, or makes an obviously bogus statement while wearing it, it sets off the Policer light and alarm.
(ALARM BLARING) AUTOMATED VOICE: Stealing cookies is naughty behavior.
Stealing cookies is naughty behavior.
I will present this at the annual convention of the home inventors and mad geniuses.
That reminds me, Verne had quite an experience regarding one of his show-and-tell projects.
Whoa! (DOOR CREAKS) (SIREN BLARING) (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) Huh? Clarabelle, what What'd I (GASPS) An intruder! Jumping Gigawatts! Verne! DOC: Young man, haven't I told you before that the DeLorean is not to be taken without permission? I don't know.
I wasn't listening.
Besides, I need something mega-cool for show-and-tell.
Well, perhaps I might be able to locate an item of appropriate mega-coolness.
Aha! An ancient arrowhead.
Awesome! Give me! Thanks, Pop! But how am I going to pay for my lunch? If you got no teeth, Mikey, how are you gonna eat lunch? Good point.
If I had another quarter, I could get a donut with sprinkles.
Not so fast, Brown.
Empty your pockets.
Hey, Tannen, you know I don't carry lunch money.
Mom always packs these full-course food pellets.
I just add water.
Hey, turkey! So I'm a turkey, am I? Let's just see what else you're carryin'.
(CLATTERING) Wow! A arrowhead! Hey, doofus.
That's mine for show-and-tell.
(RINGING) Tough noogies, Brown! (BELL RINGING) Mr.
Tannen, that wonderful arrowhead presentation will raise your history grade to a D-plus.
All right! My top score! As for you, Verne Brown, either you provide an item for tomorrow's show-and-tell, or you must play Prince Charming in the drama club's presentation of Sleeping Beauty.
Ugh! That means I'd have to kiss Beatrice Spaulding! (GIRLS GIGGLING) I'd rather be dead as a dinosaur than kiss Beatrice Spaulding.
Hey! Instant brainstorm! MARTY: Thanks for loaning me the car, Doc.
I'll be back in a flash.
(TIRES SCREECHING) (SHUSHING) (LAUGHING) Success! Uh, Vernie, you sure this won't get you into trouble? (TIRES SCREECHING) Pop said I can't take the car.
He didn't say anything about you.
Let's see, how many zeros in one zillion B.
C.
? (DINOSAURS ROARING) Hey, hey! You're scratching the stainless steel! Polly want a bent beak? (ROARING) Hurry, Marty! Let's go! Whoa! Hey, Verne, what'd you do to make that dino so mad? Just took this egg.
Do you think maybe she was planning to scramble it for breakfast? You little bonehead, that's one of her kids! Ha.
I'll bring it back tomorrow! (SIGHS) When that geekzoid, Biff Jr.
sees this, his buzz cut'll grow a foot! JULES: Brother! Were you using my microscope to crack walnuts again? You're the one that's cracked! Well, I'm telling Mother! (CRACKING) Oh, man! Jules isn't the only one who's cracked! (MEWLING) (SCREAMS) Mega-weird! I'm a mommy! (DOC READING) (CRACKING) (DOC GRUNTING) DOC: Vernie, I said virtually! And now, back to the future.
VERNE: Hey, fella, you're kind of cute.
In a baby Godzilla sort of way.
(LAUGHS) CLARA: Vernie.
Uh-oh, you gotta hide.
I thought you might like your after-school snack in your room.
VERNE: Uh, no, thanks, Ma.
It's your favorite, honey.
Sugar frosted nut and sweet raisin apple treat mix.
Uh, just set it down.
I'm busy doing homework.
Instead of playing outside? Are you sick? No, I just want to make you and Pop super proud.
Oh, Vernie, we are super proud of you.
But you should work with the lamp on.
Shoot, another burnt out light bulb.
(SQUEAKING) And that chain is so slippery.
My, you certainly did gobble that up.
Oh, I declare, Verne, sometimes you're as hungry as a horse! Or a dinosaur.
(EINSTEIN BARKS) JULES: Here, Einie, let's play fetch! (EINSTEIN BARKS) You almost got me into mondo-trouble.
Hey! Careful up there! Don't you know how dangerous that is? No wonder all you guys are extinct.
(BARKS AND GROWLS) (WHIMPERS) Splendid catch, Ein Yowzer! Holy bovine! (THUD) Oh, Franny, Franny, Franny (LAUGHS) I knew it.
(SINGSONG) Jules likes Franny Philips! Verne, are you responsible for this juvenile Apatosaurus? Don't change the subject.
Admit it.
(SINGSONG) You like Franny Philips Poppycock.
You wish.
But I know it's true.
DOC: Jules! It's Father.
Jules, you gotta help me or I'm taking a one-way trip to Restriction City! I'll help, as long as you never mention Franny Philips again! DOC: Jules, what's wrong with Einie? He acts like he's seen a ghost or a monster or an alien.
Uh, no, Pop.
We're just playing Martians at the Beach.
(STUTTERING) Yes, our friend Elroy has painted himself green.
He's the Martian.
While I don't approve of the notion that life exists on Mars, I suppose there's no harm in a little childish fun.
You three carry on while I take Einie to the vet.
Nice to meet you, Elroy.
And take care of that nasty chest cold.
Now, sibling, explain this dinosaur.
Well, I needed somethin' for show-and-tell I suggest that you neither show nor tell anyone! Rather, we must return him to his own time post-haste.
VERNE: Aw, can't I keep him? He's real fun.
Mother and Father would surely find out.
Grown-ups are easy to fool.
Hey, let's give him a name.
Bootsy? Puddin'? Sox? Gag me.
I meant something twitchin' like Butch or Killer.
How about Tiny? Cute, yet ironic.
Obviously Earth's present day atmospheric conditions are affecting his growth rate.
Hey, Tiny, how about a scissors lock to the tail? Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! (YELLS) (GRUNTING) Apparently he knows the counter move to your scissors lock.
(THUD) Hey, where'd he go? Bad news, indeed.
VERNE: You mean, good news! Less veggies for us to eat.
Gracious! The gophers must be huge this year.
Yeah, and green.
They ate all the okra.
And I was going to boil some for supper.
Yahoo! Okra-ma-no-kra! Well, at least there's some rhubarb left.
It's your father's favorite.
Where is Emmett, anyway? Uh, he took the vet to the pet.
Uh, the pet to the vet.
Ta-ta, Mother! Dr.
Brown, I can't seem to find anything wrong with Einstein.
You say he was exhibiting symptoms of shock? Shivers, cold sweats, hot nose Or was it hot sweats, cold nose? (YELPS) No, it was definitely cold sweats, hot nose.
(MEWLING) Mom, can I ride the real live dinosaur? It's not real, Terry.
Those things are just cheap tricks for stealing my quarters.
Face it, Verne, Tiny's lost! We could put up some flyers.
Missing, immature Apatosaurus of the Saurischia order, Jurassic Period.
Closely resembles Camarasaurus Hold it, hold it.
How do you spell "missing"? M-I-S Oh, just write, "Lost, one dinosaur named Tiny.
" Or maybe I better just tell Pop.
But you'll be grounded for the next 20 years! I don't care what happens to me.
Tiny could be in trouble! Hey, Junior, I thought I told you to pick the weeds in the side yard.
Pipe down, will you? I'm trying to watch TV.
Besides, I already picked 'em last month.
And remember, Whiz kids, I'll pay $50,000 for any live alien, Bigfoot or dinosaur that you bring to my TVstudio.
Fifty thousand smackers! You know, Uncle Tim's awful hairy.
Maybe we could pass him off as a Bigfoot.
(STUTTERING) A dinosaur! No, he looks more like a bigfoot.
Look outside, sir! Hey, when did you pick those weeds? (STUTTERING) A dinosaur! That doesn't even make me mad, because I'm about to become $50,000 richer! (LAUGHING) VERNE: I'm sorry, Pop.
I know I did wrong.
But I wanted to show up that stink-head, Biff Jr.
It's partly my fault, too, Doc.
I mean, I drove the little goofball.
The important thing, Verne, is that you came forward and told the truth.
Even more important, you've hopefully learned a lesson.
But mostest important is that we find Tiny before he gets hurt.
(EINSTEIN WHIMPERS) (BARKS) VERNE: It's Tiny! He's huge! And I'll be unveiling him live on my Superduper Network Special! You'll also meet Biff Tannen, dinosaur hunter and lucky recipient of $50,000! Coming up after the news on Channel 93.
Cut! Man, those lights are hot! Excuse me, Mr.
Wisdom, could I get a fifty cent advance for the coffee machine? You'll get your money on the air, Tannen, and not a moment before! Now, go sit in the waiting room.
They got stale donuts left over from the He-Boy Gladiator Show.
BIFF: Dibs on any with sprinkles! (GROANING) Don't bat your baby blues at me, you overgrown lizard.
I would expectorate better manners from a guest, but you won't be my problem for long.
After tonight's show, I'm selling you to research labs all over the country, piece by piece.
I'll make millions! (EVIL LAUGHTER) Halt! We're from the Big City First National Bank.
Yes, we have the $50,000 for Biff Tannen.
Wow, I've never seen that much money before.
And you never will.
Oh! Okay, go ahead.
Hey, Vernie, there's your pal.
VERNE: Tiny! We best hurry before we're found out.
(SINGING) I'm a rich guy Oh, look at that expensive dental work Because I'm rich I could afford big teeth (BANGING ON DOOR) MAN: One minute, Mr.
Wisdom.
Now remember, boys and girls, when you hear my name, I need lots and lots of applause.
Or the Mr.
Wisdom Lab Rats will visit you when you're sleeping.
(AUDIENCE GASPS) My kind of guy.
Hold still, will you? And now it's time for Mr.
Wisdom's Live Superduper Dinosaur Special! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Hey, Whiz kids! I got a live dinosaur behind these curtains.
Cool enough, neighbors? ALL: Cool enough, Mr.
Wisdom! And here to receive his check for $50,000, Biff Tannen, and his snot-nosed son, Biff Tannen Jr.
! Thank We've heard enough out of you, Tannen.
Now, the moment you've all been waiting for I give you, uh, Dinosaurus Humungus! (ALL CHEERING) (ALL BOOING) (AUDIENCE CLAMORING) Do we still get the money? No, but you get the lab rats! (WHISTLES) (BOTH SCREAMING) I like a television show with a happy ending.
Everybody on board? MARTY: All people and dinosaurs accounted for.
(TIRES SCREECHING) The utility box car is attached.
Can't I just keep him until after show-and-tell time tomorrow? Vernie I know.
But there's nothing worse than having to play Prince Charming And kiss Beatrice Spaulding! Except that! What a lugie! Rather, it appears to be a third incisor from the apex of the dental arch.
(CHUCKLES) There's where you're wrong, Doc.
That's a tooth.
Mega-cool! Land-sakes, Tiny's baby tooth will be the perfect item for show-and-tell.
Saved from total humiliation.
Thanks, Tiny! Now, let's blast you, back to the past! Amazing how one single ovum could hatch so much egg-citement.
When the ovum is inside a shell of calcium like this, we call it an egg.
(ALARM RINGING) Uh-oh! According to my watch alarm, it's lunch time! When fertilized baby birds grow from inside these protective shells, they hatch much later, when fully developed.
But the eggs that we eat are unfertilized, meaning they could never, ever hatch into chicks.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm hungry.
Zoological Zygotes! I mixed up the raw egg with the hard boiled egg for my lunch! DOC: Access Video Encyclopedia, section E for egg.
There's a simple way to tell a raw egg from a cooked one, without cracking them open.
The secret is the property of inertia.
Inertia means that when something is moving, it tends to keep moving.
While if something is still, it tends to keep still.
How does that help us with our egg problem? We can find out by spinning them both.
See, this egg stopped spinning much sooner.
It must be the raw one.
Why? The cooked egg is solid inside, while the raw egg is liquid.
The liquid inside the raw egg has much more inertia and wants to remain still, so it makes the raw egg harder to spin and makes it stop much sooner.
Once again, science has made life a little easier.
This is the hard-boiled egg.
Or was it this one? No, it was definitely this one.
(CRACKS) (SPUTTERS) This one, exactly as I indicated.
(COUGHING) I knew it all the time.
(ALARM BLARING) AUTOMATED VOICE: Bogus statement.
Bogus statement.
Let's keep this little incident just between you and me, and I'll see you in the future!