Better Off Ted (2009) s02e13 Episode Script
Swag the Dog
The Board of Directors has a meeting this week and upper management wants to present a new idea on how to increase productivity.
Something impressive, that will razzle-dazzle them.
Should I get to work on a musical number? - If your profits - And curtain.
When the Board's in town, the company always tries to find ways to get people to work harder.
They've tried stimulating them with an idea they got from a Japanese game show.
Sorry.
- He's coming.
- Quick, let's go light the candles.
They even tried pumping extra oxygen into the building So what's in the fun bag this time? One of the executives takes his daughters to a game arcade and when they win, they get tickets which they trade in for prizes.
Even though the prizes are worthless, the little girls work themselves into a psychotic frenzy trying to win them.
So we're replacing our department with psychotic little girls? That was discussed, but instead we're going to reward hard work by giving people tickets.
For worthless prizes.
You have an impressive handle on this.
That must be why they picked you to run the program for our department.
Congratulations.
Oh, no, Ritchie in nanoscience wrote a message in our petri dishes again.
Damn him and his super-duper teeny tiny nano-pen.
What does it say? I rub (see next petri dish) my dude-berries on your On our what? Lunchboxes, Doorknobs, the back of our knees? Let me see! Microscope eyepiece.
My Eyes! Hey, what's up junk-lovers? Your eyes enjoying my mangerines? - What is it about us that invites ridicule? - I don't know.
We invent neat stuff.
We're delightful.
And yet no one respects us.
Not even that cafeteria lady with that hideous tongue birthmark that looks like a smaller and more hideous tongue.
You know, we need to find a way to get Ritchie and everyone else to respect us.
To show them that we're a quasi-awesome force of nature.
Like a tornado.
But one that stays out of town so no one gets hurt.
And I'm the idiot, that has to evaluate everyone's work and hand out prize tickets.
Once again, I regret not double-majoring in Business and Carnywork like my conjoined-twin stockbrokers.
Have some pudding.
Mmm.
Better.
My mom always says there's nothing in the world pudding can't cure except for my dad's obesity, which it's made exponentially worse.
You've got a little in your hair.
Are we interrupting something? Ah, no.
Linda had pudding in her hair.
We help each other out.
Yesterday Ted had a turkey dinner in his head.
So, is it true? We're gonna get awesome Veridian merchandise if we work hard? Yeah.
Let's go with awesome.
And I have the awarding tickets.
I'm gonna save up for missile launcher.
I have a problem with crows in my yard.
Actually, the gifts are more like a sweatshirt or a cd player.
Maybe a crow feeder for Linda's lawn.
And with a sign that says: "Crows, go get other crows".
But crows are impervious to sarcasm.
Do you have a sign that says: "Stay away, crows"? We do.
We have one.
But it was painted by Picasso, so it costs a million tickets.
You guys think you're so cool with your inside jokes.
We've got inside jokes, too.
Hey, Susan.
Remember the green hat? - No.
- Damn you, Susan.
- Hey, check it out.
I got 30 tickets.
- I only got 20.
I got 23.
Sorry, Sheila, but I did.
I wonder why Linda got so many more tickets than us.
I wonder why.
What are you saying, Sheila? What are you saying? I'm saying you're sleeping with Ted.
What? I'm not sleeping with Ted.
And if I were, this envelope would be much bigger.
Takes more than 30 tickets to ride this roller coaster.
Hey-o! The boss is in the house, everybody put your pants back on.
- Zing, bang, Sir.
- Yes, I know.
So, with the board meeting this week, our former C.
E.
O Arthur Wells is in town.
Arthur Wells? That man is a legend.
Wasn't he behind the Veridian acquiring ownership of the african country of Tchad? And then re-naming it after his nephew Chad? In his day, he was a genius, but now he is an old horrible pain in the ass.
Really, I can't say enough bad things about him.
We can't have Arthur wandering around the building, stirring up troubles.
So, I want you to babysit him while he's here.
Stick with him, don't let him out of your sight.
Gee, chet, I'm flattered you would come to me with this - but my plate is so full this week.
- Oh, I don't care about that.
You must be Arthur Wells.
I recognize you from the effigies they burn of you in Tchad Ah, found it, i'm taking your swipecard, and I also need your help.
I don't know, I need to hear exactly what you want before I can tell you to go to hell.
The board of directors are going to try to vote me out this week but i've got an insurance policy that's gonna keep that from happening.
This is a receipt from the airport bar for 7 scotches.
Drinking keeps me warm and approchable.
Oh here.
It's a map.
My mentor who ran this place before me left it to me in his will.
It leads to papers he hid years ago in this building papers that contain secrets that could bring this whole company down And while we're searching for "Curly's Gold" we could look around for where you lost your mind No the papers are here.
Since i left this building has been redesigned more times than my wifes face so i need your help find my way around Ah, now I can say it.
Go to hell.
I could wander around by myself.
Who knows what kind of mischief crazy old man like me could get in to.
Have you forgotten the lessons of Mr.
Magoo I wish you were a cartoon.
Then i could say Yabadabadoo and that creature from E.
T.
would attack you.
I didn't watch a lot of cartoons.
So, here is something kinda interesting People in the office thinks your dunkin' your donunt in my coffee.
What? That's crazy.
Plus why am i the donut? I don't know.
But apparently i'm the hot cup of sex, you dip your strange circular stuff in.
Why would people think we're having sex? You touched my hair.
- But this is horrible.
- Horrible? You're saying that the idea of sleeping with me is horrible? - No, I'm not saying you're repulsive.
- Where did repulsive come from? All I'm saying is that if people think I'm sleeping with you that undermines my credibility as an executive So I'm bad for your precious career? This is the Frosty Scoop all over again, and you're Derek Spooner, the night manager you mullet wearing moonwalking bastard.
At the risk of taking Derek Spooner's side, your affair with him probably took his career a few sliding step backwards.
While appearing to move forward.
Actually, I was the best thing that ever happened to Derek Spooner until he frozed to death in the cooler while he was getting high.
I am a boss and I need people to think that I'm imparcial.
Maybe we should just stay away from each other for a while.
Let the whole sex thing die out.
Worked for my parents.
Fine.
Let's just stay away from each other, Ted.
Right now I'm thinking that won't be a problem.
Turns out, people really like getting useless stuff and so the ticket system caught on immediately.
Okay, you know how were looking to get a little respect? What if we got that marionet and put on an awsome kick-ass puppetshow.
? With one marionet? Okay, how about this: Hal Holbrook as Mark Twain? You mean we dress up the marione as Hal Holbrook doing Mark Twain? No, the marionet is not in it anymore.
We get Hal Holbrook to come to Veridian, and do Mark Twain.
Still not seeing it.
Okay, what if we stage a fight, where we beat up Hal Halbrook? As Mark Twain? No, Mark Twain's not in it any more.
- I don't know.
- Yeah, maybe there's nothing there.
Hey, what if we get these Veridian-Dynamics beltbuckles? They'd earn us some respect.
Feel like having a Rolex holding up your pants.
They cost 200 tickets.
Ted only gave us 20 for our presentation on planetary resources even though we talked for 10 minutes about mining Uranus without giggling.
I know.
You can't find Hydrocarbons on a gasplanet.
So now i'm stuck leading this living liverspot around the building trying to read this indecipherable booze soaked map, and - Are you petting me? - I'm moving your hair out of your eyes.
Something i do for everybody.
My hair is in a bun, it can't get in my eyes unless you scalp me and throw the whole works back in my face.
People think i'm having an affair with Linda, because i groomed her in public.
I'd judge you, but i'm on a treasurehunt.
Oh, he's out of the bathromm and on the move.
Here i go, making good use of my Stanford education.
Ted, I traded my tickets for this sweatshirt but it's too tight.
i have a bit of a bosom, i have to be careful.
- So take it back, Lonnie.
- They said no exchanges.
Your the swag master Ted, help me.
Well, i'd like to, but that would be special treatment, and i don't give special treatment to anybody.
I see where this is going Ted and i'm not giving you a firm no.
I will take that as a firm no.
This ticket thing is circling the drain.
See, this is the kind of craziness i would normally talk to Linda about.
Sorry, Spooner, didn't see you there.
She's mad at me.
But I'm doing the right thing.
She'll get over it.
Right? I saw Ritchie at the swag station looking at our Veridian-Dynamics beltbuckles.
- What if he gets one first? - What are we gonna do? We still need 180 tickets.
Actually we need 190.
I spend 10 on hilbilly teeth.
You what? Oh, how can I be mad at you? If only there was a way to get more tickets now, so we could be the first one to get those buckles.
What if we printed out a bunch of fake tickets? Then, when we earn the real ones, we tear those ones up.
It would be like giving ourselves a loan.
And borrowing against the future is what built this country.
It's true, Phil.
That's what made our economy the envy of the world.
Here are 400 tickets.
You can counterfeit them.
It's easy.
I mean you can count them, it's easy.
It's not easy to counterfeit them, it takes hours.
I mean it would have, if we did.
Which we did.
.
not do.
Hi.
These ticket are real and we'd like two belt buckles.
Wow.
I'm so impressed.
You guys have so many tickets.
I don't even have enough to get this Baby T.
I bet she'd respect a couple fellas who could give her some tickets.
Let's print more tickets.
Let's print them all.
If we go down any deeper in this building, we'll come up in the basement of our Hong-Kong office.
Dear god, you've said that joke six times.
This is our last sub-basement.
If your make believe treasure is any place in this building, which it isn't, we'll find it here, which we won't.
- It's hollow, there's something back here.
- Really? Let me see.
Oh my God, I found it.
I'm building you a car that runs on saltwater, and all i get is a lousy 15 tickets.
Jimmy, all you've shown me is a toycar, a cup of saltwtaer and som transparently desperate confidence.
- It will work.
- Yeah, that.
Hey Ted, this yo-yo doesn't glow, what kind of crap are you trying to pull.
It has to be dark, Lonnie.
This ticket thing is out of control.
Lonnie is mad because he's yo-yo doesn't glow in the light.
and Patricia is mad, because se expected her seamonkeys to be reading a newspaper and riding a bike.
But the whole thing is just murky water.
What are you doing? You're not supposed to be talking to me.
People will think you love the hideous girl.
I did not call you hideous, I called you repulsive.
And I didn't call you repulsive either.
Besides nobody's watching.
We can talk.
Sorry Ted, you lost the right to talk to me, when you decided, you care more about what the people in the office think, than you do about our friendship.
I care about our friendship, i care There's is that tea i've been looking for Mmm, herbal.
Does that look mean you want tea? Look Linda, i really missed talking to you.
Poor Ted.
Why don't you smoke that tea, climb into the freezer and pull a full on spooner.
Check it out.
- Bam - Pull - Bam.
- Yee-how.
Hold the elevator.
Thanks for your help, buddy.
Thanks for the tickets.
You guys rock.
- How are you feeling, my friend? - Feeling huge.
- Respect, baby.
- That's all I'm saying.
There are documents in here.
Okay, here's what's gonna happen: First I'm gonna apologize for calling you crazy.
Second, I'm gonna turn these damaging company secrets over to my boss, So I'll be a hero for saving the company.
And third, if you're nice, I'll help you find your way out of the basement.
If I may respond so i know how to use this and i made my own end table.
- You're stuck, princess.
- Feliz Navadad, buttmunch.
- Sawing is hard.
- So is holding up wood.
Alright, new idea.
- Okay, what if we break up? - What are you talking about? We'll spread a rumor that we broke up.
and when our pretend relationship is over, we can be friends again.
That's a great idea.
In fact, it such a great idea, why wait for a rumor to spread? - You no-good louse.
- Oh, dear.
That's right Crisp, I'm breaking up with you, right here and right now.
- Okay, then it's over.
Bye.
- You wanna know why? - Actually, I said bye, not why.
Okay, I'll tell you why.
Because you're selfish.
Everything is about your career, your job, your hair.
Then, after you've neglect me, you realise how spectacular I am and you tried to make it up with gifts.
- Oh, the gifts.
- Gee, I sound like a monster.
The jewellery, flowers, clothes, cattle.
Cattle? - Yes, cattle.
What were you thinking.
- They looked smaller in the catlouge? Well, they were huge.
And you and I are through.
Poor Ted.
Poor, sad Ted.
Here's 100 tickets.
- Buy yourself a little pick-me up.
- Where did you get this tickets.
Your work sucks.
My name is Mark Twain and I am made of wood.
I want to be a real boy.
Let me know when you're open to some constructive criticism.
I need 10 tickets.
I'll pay for them with this pie.
- You come in here and talk to us like this? - I thought you liked pie.
We do like pie, Ritchie.
You know what else we like? Respect.
We're not selling tickets.
- Now, if you come to us as a friend - then tickets will rain down on you.
Then may I give you this pie as a friend? - I love this guy.
- Nice.
Hey, Ted.
Wow.
Look at all these tickets We think Ritchie is counterfeiting them.
Screw you, guys.
Can you believe what that guy did? - It was us.
- All us.
I'm taking away your puppet.
Because I want you to think about what you did.
- Not the puppet, Ted.
- Yes, the puppet.
This has to hurt or you'll never learn.
He did you a favour.
That show is going nowhere.
When did you say your mentor hid these? He was really sitting on something back then.
Smoking causes cancer? What else they've got in there? Eve eats the apple? These documents are useless, Arthur.
And now I've got nothing to keep the board from voting me out.
You know the hardest thing: I still get ideas.
Well, maybe you could work somewhere else.
I see a lot of older people mall walking.
I don't know what that pays.
You give your whole life to a place, and then when they are done with you they just turn you out.
I hope they never do this to you.
I'm gonna kill the ticket-thing.
You care ? - No.
- Really? Because you seem to be taking it kinda hard.
It's Arthur.
There really were secret documents, but they turned out to be worthless.
So now they're gonna throw him off the board.
- But I thought you hated him? - I did.
And then he grabbed me by the ankles and attacked me with a piece of wood and everything changed.
He's given his life to this place, Ted Just like I have.
Man, I kicked him hard in the balls.
Veronica, Ted.
I just wanted to thank you for keeping an eye on Arthur.
He's in the board room right now, We're about to vote him out.
Actually, before you move on Arthur, sir you should know that he found some documents and if you vote him off the board he will expose the company's worst secret.
That's right.
I'm saying that.
Wait a minute.
He found out about the thing? Yes.
He knows all about the thing.
Oh, God.
If he knows about the thing, that means he knows about the other thing, which would ruin the thing we all live on.
Apparently so, Sir.
I think he even knows about the stuff.
That's okay, everybody knows about the stuff, but the thing, that's gonna be a problem.
I guess Arthur stays.
That was nice, what you did.
Well, when the company decides it's my time to go, I just hope somebody stands up for me.
Well don't worry, by then the stuff will probably have gotten all of us Don't joke about the stuff, Ted.
It can tell and it doesn't like it.
- This place is scary.
- Really? I'm just getting comfortable with it.
Sorry i unloaded on you when we broke up.
Well, i had it coming.
I kinda freaked out when you said that everyone thought we were sleeping together.
You kinda did.
For the record, if were in a real relationship, i wouldn't care what anyone said about anything.
- What are you saying ? - I'm saying what i'm saying.
That's not acceptable.
You have to actually say something.
I missed you.
And if we where in a relationship i would want everyone to know.
I'd scream it from a mountaintop, or whatever the straight equivalent of that is.
There is no straight equivalent for that.
And i missed you too.
Why didn't you tell us what V.
D meant? Why? So, what do we think of Ted and Linda kissing? I'm for it.
I like when attractive people kiss.
Me too.
I like when attractive people do anything.
I was once knocked up my rollerskates by a beautiful woman driving a bus.
It was very pleasant.
It's too bad Ted's making us get rid of all these.
We're just gonna set these here while we both go to the bathroom.
We just both have to go.
It happens.
Unless Ted is wrong about human nature, in 5 minutes, so many tickets so many tickets will flap this way, the whole system will crash Look at that.
Disgusting.
Ecxept for those two attractive people.
Yes.
That part is very pleasant.
Something impressive, that will razzle-dazzle them.
Should I get to work on a musical number? - If your profits - And curtain.
When the Board's in town, the company always tries to find ways to get people to work harder.
They've tried stimulating them with an idea they got from a Japanese game show.
Sorry.
- He's coming.
- Quick, let's go light the candles.
They even tried pumping extra oxygen into the building So what's in the fun bag this time? One of the executives takes his daughters to a game arcade and when they win, they get tickets which they trade in for prizes.
Even though the prizes are worthless, the little girls work themselves into a psychotic frenzy trying to win them.
So we're replacing our department with psychotic little girls? That was discussed, but instead we're going to reward hard work by giving people tickets.
For worthless prizes.
You have an impressive handle on this.
That must be why they picked you to run the program for our department.
Congratulations.
Oh, no, Ritchie in nanoscience wrote a message in our petri dishes again.
Damn him and his super-duper teeny tiny nano-pen.
What does it say? I rub (see next petri dish) my dude-berries on your On our what? Lunchboxes, Doorknobs, the back of our knees? Let me see! Microscope eyepiece.
My Eyes! Hey, what's up junk-lovers? Your eyes enjoying my mangerines? - What is it about us that invites ridicule? - I don't know.
We invent neat stuff.
We're delightful.
And yet no one respects us.
Not even that cafeteria lady with that hideous tongue birthmark that looks like a smaller and more hideous tongue.
You know, we need to find a way to get Ritchie and everyone else to respect us.
To show them that we're a quasi-awesome force of nature.
Like a tornado.
But one that stays out of town so no one gets hurt.
And I'm the idiot, that has to evaluate everyone's work and hand out prize tickets.
Once again, I regret not double-majoring in Business and Carnywork like my conjoined-twin stockbrokers.
Have some pudding.
Mmm.
Better.
My mom always says there's nothing in the world pudding can't cure except for my dad's obesity, which it's made exponentially worse.
You've got a little in your hair.
Are we interrupting something? Ah, no.
Linda had pudding in her hair.
We help each other out.
Yesterday Ted had a turkey dinner in his head.
So, is it true? We're gonna get awesome Veridian merchandise if we work hard? Yeah.
Let's go with awesome.
And I have the awarding tickets.
I'm gonna save up for missile launcher.
I have a problem with crows in my yard.
Actually, the gifts are more like a sweatshirt or a cd player.
Maybe a crow feeder for Linda's lawn.
And with a sign that says: "Crows, go get other crows".
But crows are impervious to sarcasm.
Do you have a sign that says: "Stay away, crows"? We do.
We have one.
But it was painted by Picasso, so it costs a million tickets.
You guys think you're so cool with your inside jokes.
We've got inside jokes, too.
Hey, Susan.
Remember the green hat? - No.
- Damn you, Susan.
- Hey, check it out.
I got 30 tickets.
- I only got 20.
I got 23.
Sorry, Sheila, but I did.
I wonder why Linda got so many more tickets than us.
I wonder why.
What are you saying, Sheila? What are you saying? I'm saying you're sleeping with Ted.
What? I'm not sleeping with Ted.
And if I were, this envelope would be much bigger.
Takes more than 30 tickets to ride this roller coaster.
Hey-o! The boss is in the house, everybody put your pants back on.
- Zing, bang, Sir.
- Yes, I know.
So, with the board meeting this week, our former C.
E.
O Arthur Wells is in town.
Arthur Wells? That man is a legend.
Wasn't he behind the Veridian acquiring ownership of the african country of Tchad? And then re-naming it after his nephew Chad? In his day, he was a genius, but now he is an old horrible pain in the ass.
Really, I can't say enough bad things about him.
We can't have Arthur wandering around the building, stirring up troubles.
So, I want you to babysit him while he's here.
Stick with him, don't let him out of your sight.
Gee, chet, I'm flattered you would come to me with this - but my plate is so full this week.
- Oh, I don't care about that.
You must be Arthur Wells.
I recognize you from the effigies they burn of you in Tchad Ah, found it, i'm taking your swipecard, and I also need your help.
I don't know, I need to hear exactly what you want before I can tell you to go to hell.
The board of directors are going to try to vote me out this week but i've got an insurance policy that's gonna keep that from happening.
This is a receipt from the airport bar for 7 scotches.
Drinking keeps me warm and approchable.
Oh here.
It's a map.
My mentor who ran this place before me left it to me in his will.
It leads to papers he hid years ago in this building papers that contain secrets that could bring this whole company down And while we're searching for "Curly's Gold" we could look around for where you lost your mind No the papers are here.
Since i left this building has been redesigned more times than my wifes face so i need your help find my way around Ah, now I can say it.
Go to hell.
I could wander around by myself.
Who knows what kind of mischief crazy old man like me could get in to.
Have you forgotten the lessons of Mr.
Magoo I wish you were a cartoon.
Then i could say Yabadabadoo and that creature from E.
T.
would attack you.
I didn't watch a lot of cartoons.
So, here is something kinda interesting People in the office thinks your dunkin' your donunt in my coffee.
What? That's crazy.
Plus why am i the donut? I don't know.
But apparently i'm the hot cup of sex, you dip your strange circular stuff in.
Why would people think we're having sex? You touched my hair.
- But this is horrible.
- Horrible? You're saying that the idea of sleeping with me is horrible? - No, I'm not saying you're repulsive.
- Where did repulsive come from? All I'm saying is that if people think I'm sleeping with you that undermines my credibility as an executive So I'm bad for your precious career? This is the Frosty Scoop all over again, and you're Derek Spooner, the night manager you mullet wearing moonwalking bastard.
At the risk of taking Derek Spooner's side, your affair with him probably took his career a few sliding step backwards.
While appearing to move forward.
Actually, I was the best thing that ever happened to Derek Spooner until he frozed to death in the cooler while he was getting high.
I am a boss and I need people to think that I'm imparcial.
Maybe we should just stay away from each other for a while.
Let the whole sex thing die out.
Worked for my parents.
Fine.
Let's just stay away from each other, Ted.
Right now I'm thinking that won't be a problem.
Turns out, people really like getting useless stuff and so the ticket system caught on immediately.
Okay, you know how were looking to get a little respect? What if we got that marionet and put on an awsome kick-ass puppetshow.
? With one marionet? Okay, how about this: Hal Holbrook as Mark Twain? You mean we dress up the marione as Hal Holbrook doing Mark Twain? No, the marionet is not in it anymore.
We get Hal Holbrook to come to Veridian, and do Mark Twain.
Still not seeing it.
Okay, what if we stage a fight, where we beat up Hal Halbrook? As Mark Twain? No, Mark Twain's not in it any more.
- I don't know.
- Yeah, maybe there's nothing there.
Hey, what if we get these Veridian-Dynamics beltbuckles? They'd earn us some respect.
Feel like having a Rolex holding up your pants.
They cost 200 tickets.
Ted only gave us 20 for our presentation on planetary resources even though we talked for 10 minutes about mining Uranus without giggling.
I know.
You can't find Hydrocarbons on a gasplanet.
So now i'm stuck leading this living liverspot around the building trying to read this indecipherable booze soaked map, and - Are you petting me? - I'm moving your hair out of your eyes.
Something i do for everybody.
My hair is in a bun, it can't get in my eyes unless you scalp me and throw the whole works back in my face.
People think i'm having an affair with Linda, because i groomed her in public.
I'd judge you, but i'm on a treasurehunt.
Oh, he's out of the bathromm and on the move.
Here i go, making good use of my Stanford education.
Ted, I traded my tickets for this sweatshirt but it's too tight.
i have a bit of a bosom, i have to be careful.
- So take it back, Lonnie.
- They said no exchanges.
Your the swag master Ted, help me.
Well, i'd like to, but that would be special treatment, and i don't give special treatment to anybody.
I see where this is going Ted and i'm not giving you a firm no.
I will take that as a firm no.
This ticket thing is circling the drain.
See, this is the kind of craziness i would normally talk to Linda about.
Sorry, Spooner, didn't see you there.
She's mad at me.
But I'm doing the right thing.
She'll get over it.
Right? I saw Ritchie at the swag station looking at our Veridian-Dynamics beltbuckles.
- What if he gets one first? - What are we gonna do? We still need 180 tickets.
Actually we need 190.
I spend 10 on hilbilly teeth.
You what? Oh, how can I be mad at you? If only there was a way to get more tickets now, so we could be the first one to get those buckles.
What if we printed out a bunch of fake tickets? Then, when we earn the real ones, we tear those ones up.
It would be like giving ourselves a loan.
And borrowing against the future is what built this country.
It's true, Phil.
That's what made our economy the envy of the world.
Here are 400 tickets.
You can counterfeit them.
It's easy.
I mean you can count them, it's easy.
It's not easy to counterfeit them, it takes hours.
I mean it would have, if we did.
Which we did.
.
not do.
Hi.
These ticket are real and we'd like two belt buckles.
Wow.
I'm so impressed.
You guys have so many tickets.
I don't even have enough to get this Baby T.
I bet she'd respect a couple fellas who could give her some tickets.
Let's print more tickets.
Let's print them all.
If we go down any deeper in this building, we'll come up in the basement of our Hong-Kong office.
Dear god, you've said that joke six times.
This is our last sub-basement.
If your make believe treasure is any place in this building, which it isn't, we'll find it here, which we won't.
- It's hollow, there's something back here.
- Really? Let me see.
Oh my God, I found it.
I'm building you a car that runs on saltwater, and all i get is a lousy 15 tickets.
Jimmy, all you've shown me is a toycar, a cup of saltwtaer and som transparently desperate confidence.
- It will work.
- Yeah, that.
Hey Ted, this yo-yo doesn't glow, what kind of crap are you trying to pull.
It has to be dark, Lonnie.
This ticket thing is out of control.
Lonnie is mad because he's yo-yo doesn't glow in the light.
and Patricia is mad, because se expected her seamonkeys to be reading a newspaper and riding a bike.
But the whole thing is just murky water.
What are you doing? You're not supposed to be talking to me.
People will think you love the hideous girl.
I did not call you hideous, I called you repulsive.
And I didn't call you repulsive either.
Besides nobody's watching.
We can talk.
Sorry Ted, you lost the right to talk to me, when you decided, you care more about what the people in the office think, than you do about our friendship.
I care about our friendship, i care There's is that tea i've been looking for Mmm, herbal.
Does that look mean you want tea? Look Linda, i really missed talking to you.
Poor Ted.
Why don't you smoke that tea, climb into the freezer and pull a full on spooner.
Check it out.
- Bam - Pull - Bam.
- Yee-how.
Hold the elevator.
Thanks for your help, buddy.
Thanks for the tickets.
You guys rock.
- How are you feeling, my friend? - Feeling huge.
- Respect, baby.
- That's all I'm saying.
There are documents in here.
Okay, here's what's gonna happen: First I'm gonna apologize for calling you crazy.
Second, I'm gonna turn these damaging company secrets over to my boss, So I'll be a hero for saving the company.
And third, if you're nice, I'll help you find your way out of the basement.
If I may respond so i know how to use this and i made my own end table.
- You're stuck, princess.
- Feliz Navadad, buttmunch.
- Sawing is hard.
- So is holding up wood.
Alright, new idea.
- Okay, what if we break up? - What are you talking about? We'll spread a rumor that we broke up.
and when our pretend relationship is over, we can be friends again.
That's a great idea.
In fact, it such a great idea, why wait for a rumor to spread? - You no-good louse.
- Oh, dear.
That's right Crisp, I'm breaking up with you, right here and right now.
- Okay, then it's over.
Bye.
- You wanna know why? - Actually, I said bye, not why.
Okay, I'll tell you why.
Because you're selfish.
Everything is about your career, your job, your hair.
Then, after you've neglect me, you realise how spectacular I am and you tried to make it up with gifts.
- Oh, the gifts.
- Gee, I sound like a monster.
The jewellery, flowers, clothes, cattle.
Cattle? - Yes, cattle.
What were you thinking.
- They looked smaller in the catlouge? Well, they were huge.
And you and I are through.
Poor Ted.
Poor, sad Ted.
Here's 100 tickets.
- Buy yourself a little pick-me up.
- Where did you get this tickets.
Your work sucks.
My name is Mark Twain and I am made of wood.
I want to be a real boy.
Let me know when you're open to some constructive criticism.
I need 10 tickets.
I'll pay for them with this pie.
- You come in here and talk to us like this? - I thought you liked pie.
We do like pie, Ritchie.
You know what else we like? Respect.
We're not selling tickets.
- Now, if you come to us as a friend - then tickets will rain down on you.
Then may I give you this pie as a friend? - I love this guy.
- Nice.
Hey, Ted.
Wow.
Look at all these tickets We think Ritchie is counterfeiting them.
Screw you, guys.
Can you believe what that guy did? - It was us.
- All us.
I'm taking away your puppet.
Because I want you to think about what you did.
- Not the puppet, Ted.
- Yes, the puppet.
This has to hurt or you'll never learn.
He did you a favour.
That show is going nowhere.
When did you say your mentor hid these? He was really sitting on something back then.
Smoking causes cancer? What else they've got in there? Eve eats the apple? These documents are useless, Arthur.
And now I've got nothing to keep the board from voting me out.
You know the hardest thing: I still get ideas.
Well, maybe you could work somewhere else.
I see a lot of older people mall walking.
I don't know what that pays.
You give your whole life to a place, and then when they are done with you they just turn you out.
I hope they never do this to you.
I'm gonna kill the ticket-thing.
You care ? - No.
- Really? Because you seem to be taking it kinda hard.
It's Arthur.
There really were secret documents, but they turned out to be worthless.
So now they're gonna throw him off the board.
- But I thought you hated him? - I did.
And then he grabbed me by the ankles and attacked me with a piece of wood and everything changed.
He's given his life to this place, Ted Just like I have.
Man, I kicked him hard in the balls.
Veronica, Ted.
I just wanted to thank you for keeping an eye on Arthur.
He's in the board room right now, We're about to vote him out.
Actually, before you move on Arthur, sir you should know that he found some documents and if you vote him off the board he will expose the company's worst secret.
That's right.
I'm saying that.
Wait a minute.
He found out about the thing? Yes.
He knows all about the thing.
Oh, God.
If he knows about the thing, that means he knows about the other thing, which would ruin the thing we all live on.
Apparently so, Sir.
I think he even knows about the stuff.
That's okay, everybody knows about the stuff, but the thing, that's gonna be a problem.
I guess Arthur stays.
That was nice, what you did.
Well, when the company decides it's my time to go, I just hope somebody stands up for me.
Well don't worry, by then the stuff will probably have gotten all of us Don't joke about the stuff, Ted.
It can tell and it doesn't like it.
- This place is scary.
- Really? I'm just getting comfortable with it.
Sorry i unloaded on you when we broke up.
Well, i had it coming.
I kinda freaked out when you said that everyone thought we were sleeping together.
You kinda did.
For the record, if were in a real relationship, i wouldn't care what anyone said about anything.
- What are you saying ? - I'm saying what i'm saying.
That's not acceptable.
You have to actually say something.
I missed you.
And if we where in a relationship i would want everyone to know.
I'd scream it from a mountaintop, or whatever the straight equivalent of that is.
There is no straight equivalent for that.
And i missed you too.
Why didn't you tell us what V.
D meant? Why? So, what do we think of Ted and Linda kissing? I'm for it.
I like when attractive people kiss.
Me too.
I like when attractive people do anything.
I was once knocked up my rollerskates by a beautiful woman driving a bus.
It was very pleasant.
It's too bad Ted's making us get rid of all these.
We're just gonna set these here while we both go to the bathroom.
We just both have to go.
It happens.
Unless Ted is wrong about human nature, in 5 minutes, so many tickets so many tickets will flap this way, the whole system will crash Look at that.
Disgusting.
Ecxept for those two attractive people.
Yes.
That part is very pleasant.