Bizaardvark (2016) s02e13 Episode Script

1 - Hey, guys.
I'm Paige.
- I'm Frankie.
BOTH: And we're Bizaardvark.
Have you ever had a dream so real and so scary, you're like, "Am I dreaming? Am I awake?" I usually have these dreams where my teeth are falling out, but they're not my teeth.
They're mini versions of me, but their teeth are falling out.
- I would see someone about that.
- Don't you think I've tried? Here's our latest video, "The Night Dream.
" (POP MUSIC PLAYING) FRANKIE: I think I had a nightmare My hands were made of cheese I grew another kneecap on my leg each time I sneezed My feet were baked potatoes My arms were candy canes I had this weird sensation I had hot sauce in my veins Wait a minute Is this for real? Here comes my dad, he looks normal Oh my gosh, he has my journal! PAIGE AND FRANKIE: Dream or nightmare, nightmare or dream So disorienting, Who knows what they mean? Dream or nightmare, nightmare or dream In one we slumber, in one we scream (SCREAMING) Once I had this crazy dream I was a huge rock star My biggest psycho fan was trapped inside of my guitar It was a little monster who kept banging on a drum The worst part was it tried to bite my hand each time I strummed Wait a minute - How could all of this be true? - (BARKING) There goes my dog doing something very bad Oh my gosh, he's walking my dad PAIGE AND FRANKIE: Dream or nightmare, nightmare or dream So disorienting, who knows what they mean? Dream or nightmare nightmare or dream - In one we slumber, in one we scream - (SCREAMING) BOTH: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
All right, Amelia, there is no way you're walking out of Halloween movie night without being scared.
Puh-lease! Nothin' scares me.
I grew up on a farm in the middle of the woods.
I've seen things.
I grew up in the suburbs of Tarzana.
I've seen nothing.
My scary movie pick is Mutant Killer Clowns 5 Wow, that sounds super scary.
What's scarier is how underdeveloped its female characters are.
It really shines a light on how women have a long way to go in the fight for equal rights.
Oh, right.
You and Paige had lunch yesterday.
Let's just get movie night started.
Allow me to set up the projection system.
I'm kinda the tech whiz around here.
(POWER CLUNKS, WHINES) - (SIGHS) - OTHERS: Bernie! Well, what did you think would happen? All right, looks like I'm not gettin' scared tonight.
Hey, wait! Just 'cause the power went out doesn't mean we can't scare you with scary stories.
Have you heard the terrifying tale of Doll-o-ween? (BONES RATTLING) (KNIFE WHIZZES, TINGS) PAIGE: It was Bizaardvark's fourth anniversary, and Bernie Schotz wanted to buy his friends a thoughtful gift.
Hey, what happened to the day-old donut shop that used to be here? Oh my gosh! You're hot.
How'd you like to go out sometime? Don't make me use the broom! Yeah, a lot of ladies get swept up by these good looks.
Welcome to Witch Amelia's Dark Arts Emporium.
What are you searching for? Lotions, potions, curses, purses? We also sell things that don't rhyme.
I'm looking for a gift for my friends.
They look like this.
You're in luck.
We have two dolls that look exactly like your friends.
Ten dollars! Madame, you are a witch, and a crook! Hey, what about those equally-as-cute dolls that say 99 percent off? Uh, I wouldn't buy those.
They're what we in the business call "very haunted.
" (THUNDER CRASHES) Sorry, I was waiting for that evil, ominous lightning to pass.
I'll take 'em! (THUNDER CRASHES) PAIGE: That night, Paige and Frankie unwrapped the dolls and played with them for hours.
I'm bored.
Let's go to sleep.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) (LOUD CLATTERING) - What was that? - I don't know.
Maybe I could've seen it if I wasn't sleeping on the floor! Look! The dolls are gone! (DOLLS GIGGLE) - (DOLLS GIGGLE) - (BOTH SHRIEK) Frankie, I'm scared.
- (SCREAMING) - (SCARE-STING MUSIC PLAYING) Sorry.
Really gotta change my ringtone.
(SCARE-STING TONE STOPS) - What do you want, Bernie? - BERNIE (OVER PHONE): Hey, hey! Forgot to mention the super hot witch I'm dating told me the dolls might be very haunted and will probably try to hurt you.
Just wanted to let you know.
Well, good night! Aah! - Attack! - Destroy! - Aw.
They talk.
- Paige, run! (DOLLS GROWL) Dirk! There are two dolls with knives on the loose that look like us! Yeah, I know.
They're killing.
What? Who? No, comedically! Have you seen their latest music video? BOTH: Knives and rope, knives and rope And that's what's funny 'bout knives and rope I mean, you gotta watch the whole video for context, but it really sums up the uses of knives and rope in a very funny way.
Somethin' with farts, somethin' with farts Eh, I'll figure out the rest later.
- Huh.
- No way! We didn't know you were comedians.
We thought you were trying to kill us.
No, we don't wanna kill you.
(DEMONIC VOICE) We wanna kill your channel! Kill our channel? Yep, we already put up 200 videos and have eight million subscribers.
(DEMONIC VOICE) Your days are done, Bizaardvark.
Aw.
They have a tiny little camera.
Paige! And stay out of your house! It's ours now! (CACKLING) PAIGE: Paige and Frankie knew there was only one way to save Bizaardvark: destroy the dolls.
Hey! Let's promise each other that, no matter how big we get, we never forget where we came from.
BOTH (DEMONIC VOICES): The bowels of the underworld! (LOUD CLATTERING) Huh? (PANTING) - Ha-ha-ha! - (SCARE STING PLAYS) (DOLLS WHIMPER) Aah! - (SCARE STING PLAYS) - (SHRIEKS) (SCARE STING PLAYS) Dude, enough with the sound effects! - Aah! No! - No! Aah! No! What are you gonna do? Rip off my limbs? Throw me in the fireplace? No, I'm gonna torture you with the one thing I know real Frankie can't handle.
- Feelings! - (GASPS) So how do you feel about school? Are you fitting in? Stop it! How do you feel about your teen years? Lots of emotions? You're a monster! I just want you to know that no matter what, I love you.
(WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) (EXPLODES) Aw.
It even explodes cute.
What are you gonna do with me? Take me out using some deep understanding of Paige's personality? Yeah.
I know she hates meat grinders.
DOLL: No! No, no, no! (WHIRRING) I mean, you're not wrong.
FRANKIE: Defeating the dolls made the girls hungry, so they celebrated by making doll burgers.
(SCARE-STING PLAYING) What, Bernie? BERNIE (OVER PHONE): Hey, I know this'll never come up, but don't eat the dolls! It's one of the haunted rules, something about transforming into something horrible for the rest of time.
Toodles! (MUSIC BOX PLAYING OFF-KEY) (FLAMES WHOOSH) That doll story wasn't very scary.
Although, I did really like the "Knives and Rope" song.
Do you think those dolls are funnier than us? Paige, we made that story up and came up with all the jokes.
Good news! We're all safe! I caught this dragon wandering around outside! Viking Guy, it's Halloween.
That's a kid in a dragon costume.
It's your lucky day, dragon.
Sorry, ma'am, he doesn't get things.
I hate Halloween! People walking around in silly costumes, pretending to be something they're not! What a bunch of delusional idiots! So we're telling scary stories.
Ooh-hoo! I'm in! Don't get your hopes up.
Nothing's scared me yet.
Oh, yeah? Well, then get ready for this gruesome tale of horror: Dirkula.
(GROWLS) (BATS SCREECHING) - (DOOR BELLS CHIME) - Whoa.
What is this place? It's my go-to dark arts store.
Let me do the talking.
The owner loves me.
Hey, hey! Ugh.
What do you want? We usually flirt like this for a couple minutes, then talk business.
So, your hat looks pointier than last time.
(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) Well, that's new.
I've been dared to spend Halloween night alone in my studio, but I don't have a bed to sleep on.
Why don't you just not do the dare? (BOTH LAUGH) That's not how my life works.
Well, our bedding section is the one department that isn't haunted.
We have hammocks, futons That coffin bed says 99 percent off.
Again, you're really not gonna want that.
I'm pretty sure it's cursed, because the last owner was a vampire.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) "Pretty sure," you say? (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) All right, Dareheads, I'm ready to spend the whole night alone in my studio, in my sweet new bed! (BAT SQUEAKS) Aw.
A Halloween butterfly! (COFFIN CREAKING) Dare completed.
Man, I'm hungry.
I could go for some blood sausage.
Or a blood orange.
Or blood blood! Or a panini.
With a side of blood! What up, everybody? (SCREAMING) Dirk? Are you okay? What did you do last night? The usu.
checked some e-mails, slept in a cursed coffin, dreamt I was battling an army of mutant wolves, then I woke up, ate two entire rats, and now I'm here.
Yes, that does sound like the usu.
No! I think he might've transformed into a vampire.
What are you talking about? (HISSES) Yeah, take a look in the mirror.
I guess I look a little invisible.
But we all have those mornings, right? Dirk, old friend.
Come here.
Tickle-tickle-tickle-tickle! (IN DEEP VOICE) Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Whoa.
Maybe I am a vampire.
Whatever's happening here, let's not blame it on the coffin, that was a great deal.
I just hope this doesn't change anything between us.
Definitely not.
We're friends for life.
Wanna have lunch with us? We're eatin' pizza.
- Yum! - And garlic knots! (HISSES) - Hmm.
- What? Guys, bad news.
I think Dirk's a vampire.
DIRK: It was clear being a vampire was going to keep Dirkula away from his friends.
Hey, guys! The sun's out! Let's go enjoy it 'cause we're humans and we can! - Yeah! All right! - Ha-ha-ha! DIRK: Afraid he'd lose his friends forever, Dirkula came up with a plan to turn them all into vampires.
Thanks for invitin' us to a party.
Sure.
Can I offer you a warm neck wipe? A neck wipe? It's a perfectly normal thing to have at a party.
Hey, let's do some neck stretches, yeah? To the right! Everybody try it.
I'll turn off the lights so you can't see me.
Uh, Dirk, stop.
It's obvious what's going on here.
You want me to DJ.
No! He wants to bite us in the neck and turn us into vampires.
Well, that's a relief.
I forgot my DJ equipment.
Dude! I can't believe you tried to trick us, with a party, and free food and Ooh, is this funnel cake? Not cool.
Sorry, guys.
I thought if we were all vampires, we could hang again.
Maybe I came on too strong.
Why don't you watch this presentation instead? (CHEERY BACKGROUND MUSIC PLAYING) So, you're thinking about entering the fast-paced world of the undead.
Good choice.
Being a vampire means no curfew Ooh! capes in any color you want Ooh! and teeth sharp enough to pierce the skin of a moose.
I have always wanted to bite a moose.
So, if you like exciting nights, living forever, and basketball Yep, we're good at that, too then why not give the vampire lifestyle a try? ANNOUNCER: Nights may or may not be exciting.
Dirk, I think I speak for everyone when I say, being a vampire sounds awesome! - (CHUCKLES) - We're in! Really? Sweet! (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) (CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING) Hi, there.
I'm Page Olvera from Bizaardvark.
And I'm Frankie Wong.
I know we're having a lot of fun, but there is a serious issue we need to discuss: vampire peer pressure.
It's a thing, and it's real.
It can be tempting to think, "I'll live forever.
Hey! I can fly now.
" We get it, that stuff is cool.
But it's okay to say no.
Or more realistically (SCREAMING) No! So, the next time you find yourself in a haunted castle, just remember, vampires could be anywhere.
They could even be your best friend.
Wait.
What? - (GROWLS) - (SCREAMS) PAIGE: We'll be right bat! (STANDBY TONE DRONES) All right, I have heard two of your stories, and I haven't been scared one bit.
Well, that's 'cause you haven't heard my story.
The terrifying tale of I'm bored.
The terrifying tale of Bernwolf! (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) (WOLF HOWLING) Hey, hey! Did someone order their favorite customer? Don't make me push the security buzzer under the counter.
Man, will we or won't we? So, I've been looking for something to help me stand out more in school, - maybe like a cologne or a body spray - Let me save you the time.
Cursed Cologne.
It's 99 percent off.
Just take it and never come back! So I'll call you.
Aah! Fireball! BERNIE: The next day, Bernie decided to test out his new cologne.
(BODY THUDS) BERNIE (GRUNTING): Finally! Puberty! It's about time! (GRUNTING, GROANING) (GROWLING) I am Bernwolf! (HOWLING WEAKLY) Wait.
Doesn't it need to be a full moon to turn into a werewolf? Yeah.
There was a full moon outside.
During the daytime? Yes.
It was Moon Day.
Trust me, it's a thing.
Finally, people will notice me, and I'll be the most popular kid in school! (LIVELY CHATTERING) (CAMERA CLICKS) (WEAKLY) Ah-ooo! (CHEERING) The end.
How was that a scary story? There was a howl at the end.
Did Did you not hear the howl? Oh, I thought that was a mouse dying.
Or like like a tiny door closing? Yeah, I was waiting for something to happen but then nothing happened.
That's because you haven't heard the ending where something happens! So Bernwolf was there in school when in walked his arch nemesis.
Stop right there, Bernwolf.
Bank Robber, what are you doing here? And I know the answer is not that I can't come up with my own original characters, and I have to steal from what's right in front of me.
Whoa! Stuff is happening! This school isn't big enough for two bank robbers.
But you're not a bank robber.
Oh, right.
Let me guess.
He spins around and has a mask and a bag of money.
Ooh, I was gonna say "The end.
" That's good.
(GROANS) Now we're both bank robbers! - Let's fight.
- I don't really wanna BERNIE: The bank robber totally wanted to fight.
First, they engaged in kung fu.
Hiyah! Hiyah! Hiyah! BERNIE: Then, old-timey boxing stuff.
- Yeah, come on, put 'em up.
- You think you can do this to me? I'm a big guy.
BERNIE: Then, they did the Robot.
- Seriously? - They did the Robot! (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) Then, Bernwolf won.
- Do I lay down now? - Yes, please.
(FANFARE PLAYS) Victory! (WEAKLY) Ah-ooo! And that's how Bernie saved Arbor Day.
Bernie, we're telling Halloween stories.
Oh, shoot.
Uh Well, don't worry.
I have a super Halloween ending, with a witch and everything.
Hi, Bernwolf.
That was impressive and manly.
Let's get married and tell this story to our kids! (SCREAMS) Now that's the scariest story I've ever heard in my life.
(SCARY MUSIC PLAYS)