Black-ish (2014) s02e13 Episode Script

Americans are consumers.
We want the best, the baddest, and the biggest Unless, of course, the baddest is the smallest.
Then you want that, until the baddest gets bigger again.
We're all consumers, but at the risk of stereotyping us Black folks really get it in.
We just do.
But think about it if you didn't get a paycheck for 400 years When you did finally get one, you might want to spend it.
of course, nowadays, that kind of attitude can get you in trouble.
that's the thing about money.
Everybody wants to have it, but nobody wants to talk about it Which can lead to problems.
We owe what?! Let me see that.
Mm, hold on.
Wha Holy Slick Rick! How did we spend this much on our credit cards? It was a big month, Bow.
We took the kids to Disneyland, we replaced the water heater, oh, and I got these fly new reading glasses.
Dre, come on, now we have the kids' tuition coming up.
And isn't this the property-tax bill? Don't worry about that.
I have an 819 FICO score.
I think we're gonna be okay.
I don't understand where all the money goes.
Me neither.
Look what I had overnighted from Japan.
That is ostrich.
First of all, those are beautiful.
Thank you.
Secondly, do you ever wonder if we're living too large? We're broke.
Wait, what? We just heard mom say we're living too large.
I knew this was too much house.
What are we gonna do? I'm two years away from college, so this is more of a "you" problem than a "we" problem.
Well, I've got a "disaster preparedness" folder.
Of course you do.
Let's see, "earthquakes," "super volcano," "peak oil.
" Ooh! Congratulations, Junior.
If you're watching this, you've survived the zombie apocalypse.
Oh.
Sorry.
Wrong video.
Dude.
Oh, here it is.
"Financial ruin.
" I'm supposed to start day-trading I think.
For some reason, I wrote this plan in Dothraki.
Anha dothrak chek asshekh.
Can we live with you in the dorm? Just you two, right? We earn a good living, Bow.
We're doing fine, okay? And this this property-tax thing don't even worry about that.
My guy, James Brown, is all over it.
I still can't believe our accountant is named James Brown.
He is the hardest-working man in accounting.
And please, do not project your weird relationship with money onto me.
What weird relationship? Mommy, what's this? That's money.
It's an artificial masculine construct that fosters hostility and war and builds a wall between you and love.
Now, eat your mung beans.
Are you sweating? Yes, Dre, I'm sweating because I don't like talking about money.
We made a deal you would be the money guy, and I was gonna be the kid wrangler.
- Yeah.
- Do you want to be the kid wrangler? 'Cause there's an e-blast that needs to go out - about wheat allergies.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! And we still haven't figured out summer camp.
Unh-unh! Unh-unh! And the twins' class is looking for a parent to go on a field trip to the solid-waste plant.
Enough! Enough, already! Okay, Bow? - Damn it, Bow, I'm all over this money thing, okay? - Okay.
I know every cent coming in and every cent going out.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, son, uh, I need to hold a "G.
" I got a tip on a pony, and I'm a little light on walking-around money.
Oh, sure.
No problem, Pops.
- Just a grand? - Just a grand.
"Just a grand.
" - There you go, right there.
- My man.
Okay, you got it.
Okay, um Let's just, uh, put that, uh, under, uh, "going out.
" So, you really think day-trading is going to work? Because your zombie plan was a mess.
You thought after the apocalypse you'd still have Internet.
Or your eyeballs.
What you kids doing? I'm gonna start day-trading.
Day-trading? That ain't nothing but gambling.
Proud of you, boy.
Just make sure you know what you're doing.
He doesn't.
Just do like I do at the track find an inside edge.
My insider at the track is a hot-dog guy named Luis.
He knows the deal on every race, every horse, every jockey, who's up, who's down, who's out.
He's the best.
Well, if he knows so much, why is he still the hot-dog guy? You make a strong point, little girl.
I need to call James Brown.
And then my grandma looked up at me And with her last breath, she said something I will never forget Lunch! - Oh, thank God.
That was close.
- Yes.
Now, whose turn is it to pay? I got it.
Don't worry about it.
I got it.
Let me see something.
My God, what are you, a high-end prostitute? Yeah.
What are you doing walking around with all that cash? Keep the change.
Uh, to pay for stuff.
Like your kid's ransom? Seems a little irresponsible, driggity.
But my knot makes me feel more ballin'.
It is quite ballin', boss.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Do you think Jay Z walks around with a big old wad of cash in his pocket? Absolutely.
He does not.
You really need to be putting your money in the bank, Dre.
I have money in the bank.
Oh, good.
And stocks, right? And some stocks, uh-huh.
- Any investment properties? - Well - Why is your voice getting higher? - Is it? Look, it's all about optimal asset allocation basic stuff.
hedge funds, 30% private equity.
Mm-hmm.
What does your money guy tell you about charitable donations, Dre? - Let's talk charitable donations.
- Mm-hmm.
Go to taco bell 15 minutes before they close.
They have to clean that place out of the hard-shell items.
That's the law.
So, you got tacos, you got tostadas, you got taquitos, nachos, you've got nacho supreme.
My favorite.
Mm-hmm.
Point is, all that well, that's gonna offset your cars.
Um Dre, you're playing in the big leagues now.
So, just to be safe, why not sit down and chat with my money guy? He's amazing.
Uh, in the meantime, do you mind if I have another look at that wad of cash? It's been a while since I've actually held real currency in my hand.
Hold one.
Oh.
Funny.
This is made from the exact same material as a cocaine straw.
Even though I still felt pretty good about where I was financially, I decided it couldn't hurt to see Stevens' guy.
Well, from the looks of this, I have to say, you guys are doing great.
Oh, thank God! - I told you, I got this.
- Thank God.
You're two professionals, earning good salaries, homeowners with great credit.
I pay my bills! Okay, don't do the barking.
- Okay.
- And if you keep this up, you will be in great shape if you decide to have kids.
Uh Yeah, uh, w-we we we already have four children.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
You're screwed.
- What? - Uh I suggest the two of you sit down and have a very serious discussion about money.
Oh, oh, geez.
Oh God! How did James Brown not see this coming? Papa got a brand-new order of onion rings! Set them right there on that fax machine, baby.
Stop talking about James Brown.
You said you had this handled, and then we find out we can't send all four of our kids to college! Jack was never going to college.
I know that, but we're supposed to be able to afford to send him to the college that he can't get into.
You blew it, Dre.
Sounds like money trouble.
And no wonder, the way you two spend.
The latest jeans, mail-order high-top sneaker-boot tennis shoes.
When I was coming up, all you needed was a pair of black-leather pants and a denim vest.
Didn't even need a shirt.
That's why I moved to L.
A.
You moved to L.
A.
because of that hit-and-run.
This is not about me.
You two are the ones trying to keep up with the Joneses.
A damn sub-zero fridge.
How cold does stuff really need to be? I love my refrigerator.
Pops, we work hard for everything we have.
Yes, and you're working hard to spend it with this crazy-big house with a guesthouse in the back.
You really need to be renting that damn thing out.
You live in that guesthouse! I'm just sayin'.
It's not financially responsible.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, please.
Dre, maybe we should hire that financial planner.
I don't want to lose my fridge.
- No! I don't trust him.
- What? He wasn't even impressed with my monster credit score! - Oh, my God.
- And it is stupid to pay someone to save us money! I got this, Bow.
The only thing that you got, Dre, is expensive sneakers and James Brown.
You know what? From now on, we are gonna handle this money thing together.
Okay.
And the kid thing, too.
What? Yeah, that's right, buddy.
The twins have a dentist appointment Saturday morning.
No.
No.
No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no! Hello, Apple? Yeah, I'm looking for some inside info.
You know, something that may send your stocks through the roof.
Okay, well, uh, then, could you connect me to your top-secret products division? No insider-trading tips over the phone? Wow.
Shocking.
Those Apple guys are just as tight-lipped as Nike.
At least he's trying.
That's just the kind of spirit I'm looking for.
Congrats.
You are now the new vice president of J&J Holdings.
All right, now, I'm looking for trends.
What are you hearing? What are you using? - What are you loving? - Cookies! Delicious.
Need a better idea.
Ooh! I've got one.
Quit.
- Not helping.
- I know.
I just love how you wildly change your personality from week to week and expect an outcome other than failure.
No, I didn't get your WhatsApp.
We're on WeChat now.
WhatsApp is old-school and desperate Like calling somebody, Sara.
Goodbye.
I think we just found our hot-dog guy.
Did we? Walk with me.
How was the dentist appointment with the twins? - Oh, harrowing.
- Hmm.
Diane may need a night guard.
Jack swallowed fluoride and has a two-week follow-up.
Really hoping you can make it.
So, while you were doing that, I was able to identify our problem areas.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Sneakers, watch of the month, unnecessary insurance.
There's no such thing, Bow.
- Tornado insurance? - You never know.
- Flood? - Rain happens.
- Volcano.
- We live on a fault line! Why don't you just get us asteroid insurance, Dre? Oh, my God.
I've left our family totally exposed.
This is ridiculous.
You know what's ridiculous, Bow? The things that aren't on your list.
Mm.
Like expensive organic hair products, weekly cuts at Devachan, crates of soy candles, fresh cut flowers, and monthly sage cleanses.
When was the last time any of us got possessed? Stop making my point for me.
Fine, before this gets any more hurtful, I think we should both go on a spending diet.
Mm.
And some of us should go on that real diet they've been threatening.
Hmm.
So, I take it the "before it gets hurtful" part is off the table.
- Huh.
- And since it is, why don't we just add to our waxing budget? It will offset our drano fund.
- Wow.
Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, then, hurtful meeting adjourned.
We can both go back to our respective corners and prove to each other that we can set aside our luxury lifestyles and make some real cuts.
- Agreed.
- Mm-hmm.
Check back in in a week.
Boom! Another sale! Put it on the board! Uh, is that a new watch? It's pretty flight, right? Me and Junior have been following you around, making money off of you.
You know, like pimps.
You're trendy and cool, so I've been investing based on your preferences.
Oh, my God! You guys have been using me to make money.
Yeah Like Pimps.
Okay, so, where's my cut? Your cut? This is public information, baby.
Not anymore.
I'm shutting you down.
What is she reading? Yes, operator, in Los Angeles, the number for dress barn.
We're doomed.
So, Bow and I decided to prove to each other that we could live without our outrageous expenses.
Bow started with hair products she picked up at the dollar store.
I countered with some of Kirkland's finest.
Sharp! Ha ha! And neither of us was really loving it.
Oh.
You'll actually look forward to laundry day.
What are those?! What are those?! What are tho no, no, no, no.
Seriously, what what's going on? Budget cuts.
Oh, no, no, no, this is not happening.
Not on my watch.
I have an emergency pair of CrispyKicks and a selection of hoodies in my cubicle.
- Go hit that.
- No, no, it It's cool, it's cool.
Wh hold on, hold on.
You have backup clothes? You're an assistant.
Although, now that I think of it, I've never actually seen either of you wear - the same thing twice.
- Thank you.
Oh, listen, Dre, if you're having budget concerns, you may consider repeating an outfit every once in a while.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
If he does that, you might as well start wearing holey flannels, scuffing up your kicks, and drive a prius.
I drive a prius.
Of course you do.
See, you can do that.
Brothers cannot.
We have to dress the part just to get the part that you already have.
Oh, so, it's a "cultural" thing.
I love this part of the day.
I'm gonna sit and just listen and not weigh in.
H.
R.
says I'm on my second strike, but I can't wait for the part where you explain how your outfits somehow relate to slavery.
Go.
Did he just say that? I did, and I-I and I feel like it's probably strike three? Ugh.
Hey, babe.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Organic avocado-pear conditioner? I thought we said we were cutting back.
Oh, we did.
And then Oh these arrived.
- Oh.
- More shoes.
Dre, what's wrong with you? I'm tired of looking like this! Well, I'm tired of looking like this! Damn.
Dre, I took a nap in a wheelchair at work, and they tagged me as a psych patient.
We agreed we were gonna make some serious changes.
And we will.
I-I let me just explain, all right? M-my shoes and my clothes They are a part of me.
I can't compromise on those.
- Dre - look, I have a plan to offset my spending.
- Okay.
- All right? I'm gonna start mowing our own lawn.
Big Dre got that.
Same way big Dre handled our money? What does that mean? It wasn't coded, Dre.
You broke our deal.
I trusted you to handle our finances, and you failed.
Okay, so all of this is on me? Because I don't remember you saying anything when we bought this house and when we bought those cars and when I bought this sub-zero refrigerator.
I don't remember the princess suburbian mom saying no to any of that stuff.
I didn't say no because I thought I married a man who could take care of business.
Yeah.
How am I the monster?! What's the point in having Rainbow, Rainbow, I need you to slow down and stay in the frame.
If I can't see you, I can't read your aura.
My aura is pissed off! Sweetheart, no need to transfer your anger onto me.
Now, let's talk about the real source of your problems.
Andre! You know what? For once, you might be right, Mom.
How did you and dad deal with money issues? Well, as long as there was enough, I tried not to really involve myself.
Well, was there enough? I-I-I suppose, yes.
I don't know.
Let's focus on Andre's shortcomings.
He's very loud.
Mom! Seriously.
Why don't we talk about money? Because I don't understand it, okay? Talking about it makes me feel stupid.
Oh, my God.
Me too.
That's why I gave Dre the job.
I did the same thing.
I let your father handle it.
And now we're living in an R.
V.
that runs on our own waste! Oh, my God.
I am sweating.
We really need a prescription.
All right, buddy, you feeling it? It's me and you.
But we don't have Zoey's cool.
We don't need it.
We've got this.
Now, come on, let me get some.
Uh-mmmmmmm Uh-mmmmmmm Uh-mmmmmmm - Uh-mmmmmmm - mmmmmm Okay, what you got? My chest hurts.
Maybe we should just give Zoey a cut.
We don't need her.
We have her garbage.
I am not following.
Bingo.
This is it.
Lip gloss made by Exgen cosmetic laboratories.
There's moments in life where you got to tuck your balls.
Other times, you got to let them hang.
I don't want to do either.
It's a metaphor.
You all-in or not? Do I get to keep the suit? Yes.
Then let's tuck 'em! No, we're gonna let 'em hang.
It's my bad.
I wasn't clear.
Ooh, got a hot tip.
- Son, let me just hold a little bit.
- No.
- Just a little something.
- No.
No more holding anything, ever.
- How hot? - Look no, no, no, no! Don't even tell me.
See, you got me all turned around.
You're the reason I'm in this mess right now.
Got me looking like less than a man in front of my wife.
You don't need no help with that.
I told you, baby wipes in the bathroom was the wrong move.
I'm not talking about baby wipes.
Look, man, you lived from check-to-check, and now, basically, I'm doing the same thing.
Hold on, now.
I ain't had no shame about living check-to-check.
That means I was getting a check.
Had another check to look forward to and a pension after that.
You you're just blowing through money fast.
You didn't learn that from me.
Exactly, because, when it comes to money, you never taught me a damn thing about financial planning.
Well, back then, we didn't have any financial planning, 'cause we didn't have any finances to plan for.
Food on the table, roof over your head that was the plan.
But you got your degree and a great job.
This is on you.
You don't have any excuse.
You need to own that, Mr.
815.
- 819.
- Whatever.
Anything between 770 and Saw that on "Charlie Rose.
" You know he's right.
Look, there's pride in over 800.
About needing to own it, Dre, which is why I want to apologize.
Just the whole money thing is so scary to me, and I said things I shouldn't have said.
So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Dre.
I trust you more than anyone else.
I do.
And I think you're the smartest man I know.
Really? - Top 10.
- Uh Dre, I-I-I work with a lot of very bright people, and for an adman to be in the top 20 Oh30.
But you Are The smartest man I have ever been married to.
Look, babe, I I'm sorry I got us into this mess.
And I know I like to live a little large.
Dre, you have snakeskin pajamas.
Yep.
And I do all that for a reason.
Take these sneakers.
- Uh-huh.
- Right? I only started buying them because I wanted the same ones my mother couldn't afford when I was a kid.
And I guess that thinking spilled over into the house I always wanted and the car I always wanted.
But, babe, the truth is, the only thing that really matters is that I got the woman I always wanted.
Okay? Okay.
And I got my fridge.
So, we decided to start talking about money more as a family, which is good, since Jack and Junior literally lost their shirts when Exgen went belly-up.
Even pops started taking a more proactive approach.
That's it, J.
B.
I ain't got no receipts.
Better not to! Well, you don't want to leave a paper trail when you're dealing with the IRS.
- My man.
- Now, Earl, if you can sew your pockets shut on all your clothes - Yeah? - They qualify as a costume.
- Say what? - Yeah, it's a write-off.
What?! Now, all you got to do now is go onstage once a year.
- Like singing or something? - You can do stand-up.
Well, I can talk with a drink in my hand for 10 minutes.
Don't need but five.
Then let's do 10 take out two fiscal years.
- My man! - Yes, sir! Whoo!