Charmed s02e13 Episode Script

The lions observed in the Ngorongoro Crater of Tanzania mated, on average, once an hour for a week straight.
Now, before I lose half the room to that thought, answer me this: Where does it begin? And the purpose of all animals is the proliferation of the species, right? But it isn't as easy as, "Your nest or mine?" It starts with a series of mating rituals.
First, an animal must get the attention of the object it desires.
Next, there must be a sign that the interest is mutual.
But as we've all learned from painful experience, an animal What's up with my study group having fun without me? Sorry, Phoebe.
You looked busy.
Use your time in section tomorrow to outline your group's thesis.
Be specific.
Better yet, just spell-check.
I'll see you next week.
Is that a book of love spells? Yeah, found it in the Valentine's Day display over at the campus bookstore.
- It's stupid.
- Is not.
We figured since we're dateless this year, maybe it'll give us some laughs.
What? Oh, nothing.
It's just, they've got it backwards.
You would never say it in that order.
First you say what's lacking, then what's needed.
Here, try this: From strike of 12, count 24 That's how long the spell is for If to abate my lonely heart Enchant these gifts I thee impart See? I'm doing a paper on the growing popularity of witchcraft.
Hey, if you guys want something fun to do tomorrow night, you should check out my sister's club.
- Oh, cool.
- No dates required.
- Okay.
- Okay, we'll be there.
- See you at section tomorrow.
- Okay.
Hey, there's a party tomorrow night.
You should come.
- Why? - Because I'll be there.
Okay, I'm freaked.
Can we turn some lights on? - No, we can't.
Can we? - It will spoil the mood.
Come on, it says to join hands.
We're not gonna hurt them, are we? I promised Spencer I'd get his pig back.
It's a joke spell, Tessa.
This is just supposed to be fun.
You could choose any animal to turn into a man, and you chose a pig? It's widely known that pigs are the most intelligent species, that's why.
Well, then we all know why Andrea chose a rabbit.
Just keep your fingers clear.
He scratches.
Kinky.
Exactly why I brought a snake.
Okay, let's do this.
Say it with me.
From strike of 12, count 24 That's how long the spell is for Turn these gifts into a mate And then my lonely heart abate Okay, that was fun.
Can I go now? Wait.
Now, didn't Phoebe say some of the words were wrong? Why don't you call her.
Don't have to.
Power of technology.
No dates required.
From strike of 12, count 24 That's how long the spell is for If to abate my lonely heart Enchant these gifts I thee impart - What's wrong with this picture? - Okay, is that rhetorical, or do I actually have to open my eyes to look at something? Well, it is a weekday, and Phoebe Halliwell is already at campus, while Prue Halliwell, master of the morning meeting, - sultan of scheduling and queen of - Got it.
How's it feel to be footloose and office-free? Amazing.
You know what I'm gonna do today? - What? - Absolutely nothing.
Nothing? Really, Prue? Nothing entails physically doing nothing, thinking about nothing and worrying about nothing, as opposed to your sister here, who is so in the middle of something.
Okay, sweetie.
What is wrong? Well, for starters, there's tomorrow.
Valentine's Day? Wow, I completely forgot.
See? I'm doing nothing already.
And Dan wants me to have V-Day dinner with him.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah.
Except for the fact that there's Leo? I mean, he is mortal now.
Doesn't that change things? Piper, you're my sister, and I'm with you, whatever and whoever you choose.
I need to eat.
Another satisfied customer.
You've already eaten everything in our fridge.
Brooke will be back with food any minute.
Just wait, okay? Whoa, what are we supposed to do until then? Fine question.
What should we do? You two are acting like nothing's changed, like you're still trapped in the confines of your cages.
- Behaving like animals.
- That's what you are.
Not anymore, thanks to you.
We've been given a gift.
It's time to take it out for a test drive, see what the world looks like from up here.
You can't.
I mean, you have to stay here.
Wait! Yeah, you got my CD, man? - Is there a problem? - Yeah.
Try covering up, dude.
Remedy the situation.
- Hey! What the? - Hey, man.
Hey, man.
Hey.
What are you doing? Who are those guys? Who are these for? They're for you.
- I know they're not much.
- They're beautiful.
- But, Leo - But it's the best I could do.
You know, no ID, no mode of transportation, no money.
I just wanted you to have something, mark the day.
Thank you.
I have something for you too.
Although not nearly as romantic, but still a good thing.
Your first paycheque.
Or cash, rather.
I thought it'd be easier.
So did I.
Anyway, thanks.
Looks like after everything, I'm still working for the Charmed Ones.
Is all this? Are you doing okay with it? Yeah.
Kind of making it up as I go.
But, Piper, if me being here is awkward for you No.
What's there to be awkward about? These go in the back, right? What are those? I thought we were gonna wait until tonight.
You're right.
I should take them back.
Don't you dare.
Give them to me.
They're beautiful.
Thank you.
Piper? Is there something you wanted to tell me? Not that I know of.
You sure? Dan.
Hey.
Leo.
You never mentioned he was here.
- Leo's here.
- Yeah.
You're right.
I meant to, and then things got busy, so I didn't, and I'm sorry.
- He's just helping out.
- With what, exactly? You know, handyman, busboy, bar back, security-type stuff.
He needed a place to stay, and it's really not a big deal, Dan.
That's just the point.
It is.
When you were sick, you called out his name, not mine.
And I was right there with you.
When he's around, you're, I don't know, different.
We're different.
- How do you want me to handle that? - I don't know.
And to tell you the truth, if the situation were reversed, I don't know how I would feel.
But I do know how I feel right now.
How do you feel? Like for the first time in a very long time, I'm actually looking forward to a Valentine's Day dinner.
And you're the reason.
Hi, is Briana there? Of course she's at work.
Yeah, hi, this is Prue calling.
No, you can actually just erase that number.
She can reach me at home.
Home.
I'll be home.
Okay, bye.
Prue Hall - Hello? - Hello, yourself.
- How is the life of leisure going? - It's great.
I don't know why you ever gave it up.
Yeah.
Because that house is only big enough for one homebound Halliwell.
Hey, I'm just on my way to class, but I wanted to know if Brooke or Andrea or Tessa called.
No, no one called.
Nobody.
No one.
Zip.
- Nada.
Zilch.
- That is so weird.
They never showed up for our section today.
Hey, watch it! Hey, buddy, get in line.
- What's happening over there? - Come on.
How could you do this to them? - Run! Run, my brothers.
- Who is that guy? - Run free! - What is he doing? So hey, Phoebe, I was wondering if maybe we could meet for lunch.
And if you're crunched on time, then I can just come to the campus.
I was gonna pick up a sandwich on the way to class.
Okay, so, what about after class? We could go to the gym.
- You're hurting me! - Pheebs? - Stop! I told you to get off! - I gotta go, Prue.
Hey, is there a problem? - Are you okay? - Yeah.
Hey, man.
Oh, we so have to cancel your Martha Stewart subscription.
When I start making flower boxes out of milk cartons, - then you can shoot me.
- No problem.
So do you need help with anything? - What happened to doing nothing? - I'm finished.
You can't finish doing nothing.
So then how do you know when you're done? Put your finger on this.
- It's for Dan.
- What did you get him? This book on San Francisco architecture.
I know, I know.
It's a little too impersonal for Valentine's Day, but No.
No.
Shows that you know him.
It's perfect for him.
- What did you get Leo? - Leo? But Should I? - Tonight? - Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Okay, guess what I saw on Pheeb TV.
No, not a premonition.
It's Valentine's Day.
Can't there be some kind of supernatural day off? - What did you see? - There was a guy harassing this girl, so I tried to stop him, and wham.
It was really weird.
Like, a guy biting a girl.
Biting or kissing? It is that time of the year.
- It could've been kissing.
- Maybe.
It could have been, I guess.
Most people kiss on Valentine's Day.
Except, of course, for witches.
Witches don't kiss on Valentine's Day, because something always comes up.
Okay, maybe it was just some drunk frat guy and his chick of the moment.
Yeah, maybe.
It just It wasn't very clear.
And then I followed him, and I think he jumped over this wall.
He jumped over a wall? Yeah, well, there was a ladder pretty close.
Phoebe, come on.
Doesn't anybody care that I have dinner plans tonight with Dan? Oh, honey, is that what he got you? I mean, it's nice and all, just a little impersonal.
What'd she get for Leo? What'd you get Leo? But we missed section.
It's Valentine's Day.
I wanna find my date.
Are you sure? I mean, this isn't natural.
You said it was just a joke, and now they are human beings.
- Pretty cool, huh? - No.
No, it's not.
We should turn them back.
Just chill.
Wait until midnight, and they'll turn back on their own.
Yeah.
What does this mean? It's a spell.
That's what made you human.
Yes, but for how long? He asked you a question.
Twenty-four hours.
But actually, now it's more like 12.
Well, fix it.
We've decided we'd like to stay this way.
Yeah, we're having fun.
Yeah, it sure looks like it.
Now, am I wrong here, - but aren't you supposed to be mine? - Aren't you having fun, Andrea? You know, you can have much more fun if we had more time.
- I might know how.
- No.
Okay, maybe I don't, but I know someone who might.
Phoebe, yeah.
She'll be at the party tonight.
Wait, I have the class roster.
I know where she lives.
Show us the way.
We're gonna eat, though, right? - I don't think we should be messing - Why don't you go on ahead.
We'll catch up.
Now, why do you have to be such a little troublemaker? Thanks for keeping me company.
Better here than at the club with Prue.
This boredom has turned her into the demon of decoration.
Why don't they make a card that says, "You used to be my whitelighter, and now your wings are clipped, and you're sleeping in my club"? Or how about, "You snooze, you lose, and now I'm getting naked with the neighbour.
" Hey.
What about this one? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, very sweet.
And what is that supposed to say? That says something in Portuguese, but at least you won't have to worry about him taking it the wrong way.
Thank you.
Oh, no.
"To the special person who lights up my day, I'll treasure you always.
" - Oh, of course.
- And then I'll spit up on myself.
The girls in school are reading this.
The ones in my class.
We are so in right now.
We are not in, love is, and this stuff gives people hope that they can find it.
Yeah, the problem is, people think they can get into magic without dealing with the consequences.
None of this is like in the Book of Shadows.
I mean, for one thing, it doesn't really work.
I mean, normal people can't make this work.
Right? - Pheebs? - Not without a little help.
I have to go call Prue.
I think I need her help with something.
Something to do? She'll be thrilled.
Okey-dokey.
Now, that's a card.
This will do.
Hello? Worker bees? Anyone? This will ruin the dinner that I'm gonna buy you tonight.
You are so sweet.
Piper red label? Well, with a name like that, I figured it would be the best.
I mean, this is our first holiday.
Granted, a holiday invented by Hallmark, but first, it's just the same.
Is that for me? "To a dear friend on Valentine's Day.
" Piper, it's good to know that you're deeply in like with me.
It isn't for me.
It's for Leo, isn't it? - What do you want me to say? - How about "no.
" Dan, you read it.
Read it again.
It says "to a friend.
" And I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in ending that particular friendship.
I'm not sure that's all he sees it as.
I come with a past.
We all do.
It's a package, one I would like to share with you, but you can't pick and choose.
- You get all of me.
- Do I? Okay.
I've gotta work.
So why don't I just see you tonight.
Fine.
Fine.
I just love Valentine's Day.
- You can't do this.
- This is going too far.
Rules, like cages, were meant to be broken.
Okay, since leaving campus, you guys have beaten a pedestrian to a pulp and played chicken with a car-pool mom.
- Are you on something? - Or just your average crazy? Look, Tessa seemed fine.
But if she's really not feeling well like you said, we should go home.
- Or at least call her.
- Not yet.
We need Phoebe.
What? Oh, my God.
- What's happening? - We're changing back.
The spell said this would happen.
Look, Phoebe's not here, and there's nothing we can do to change things.
- It's not like we made up the rules.
- God, Tessa was right.
We shouldn't have done this.
She talked too much.
What are you doing? Don't touch me.
- Guys, stop.
This isn't fun anymore.
- Yes, it is.
Next time you want a dangerous man, might wanna make sure he's not poisonous.
- Why'd you do that? - Paper.
Give me the paper.
Are they dead? They will be.
Wait a minute.
Don't we need both them and Phoebe for the spell? - That's how it worked before.
- Four hours until we turn back.
Four hours until they die from the poison.
I think that information might motivate this Phoebe to help us.
Her scent, it's everywhere.
- But she's not here right now.
- Let's go home, okay, guys? I've had enough.
We're not meant to be like this.
What? Come on, guys, what? No.
Not me.
Guys, stop.
No! No! No! I didn't think he'd ever shut up.
So since when can mortals cast spells that actually work? Look, I know that that book is probably a total cheese-fest, but what if? I mean, the spell called for living objects, my premonition and that guy who could leap tall buildings in a single bound? Something is wrong, I know it.
Higher education.
Maybe I need to come back to college to study something.
- Oh, Ethan.
- Hey.
- What happened, honey? - Oh, it's nothing.
Some drunk frat guy.
Seems to be a lot of that going around.
This is my sister Prue.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Well, I just knocked, but nobody was in.
Thought I'd give them hell for missing section.
Andrea and Brooke would totally bail, but it doesn't really seem like Tessa, you know? It is Valentine's Day.
Maybe they had something to do.
Do you? Okay, gotta go.
Busy, busy.
Nice meeting you, Ethan.
Nice to meet you, and I'll see you tonight.
Okay.
All right.
- Back! - Okay.
- I'm sorry, okay? - Well, you're right.
Love takes a back seat to duty.
What's that about love in the back seat? Because Mom, Dad, your birth.
- That's disgusting.
- Sort of how you were My God, this place is a mess.
I mean, I know that boys are bad, but this is a pigsty.
I don't think they did this.
- Hey, is this the spell book? - Yeah.
- What was that? - It's in the closet.
Look, Tessa, I know what you've been through has been really hard, but the only way that we can help you is if you tell us what happened.
There's no way that you'd understand.
You won't find two more understanding people in this particular instance.
It just sounds so crazy, and you're gonna think that I'm Very brave for facing whatever it is.
You remember that spell that we showed you in class? Well, it worked.
Not like it helped us meet guys, it helped us make guys out of animals.
And you did this from the spell in that book? Yeah, and we even played back the tape that we were recording in class so we could hear your corrections to the spell.
But before we had a chance to chant the new version, I mean, there they were.
All right, so what is it that you think these men want with you? I don't know.
Maybe it's our fault because we tried to make them into something they're not.
No, you can't blame yourself for the actions of other people.
We're gonna fix this.
First, we have to fix you.
I'll be right back.
If I were hydrogen peroxide, where would I be? - Phoebe? - Prue, where do we keep the hydrogen peroxide? Oh, my God.
He was one of them, except he didn't look like that.
- The spell must be wearing off.
- They're starting to look and act - more like animals.
- Look, they've killed one of their own.
There's no telling what they'll do or what they've done to your friends.
- Do you know what they want? - You.
- What? - They're having fun, and they wanna stay this way.
Andrea told them you'd be able to help them.
Okay, where are they now? There.
That's where they think you'll be.
Hey.
Hey.
- You guys need some help? - You could say that.
- I think we're out of gas.
- What can I do for you? Well, you could not scream.
Okay, ladies, Papa's got a brand-new set of wheels.
Prue, the place is full of snakes.
How am I supposed to pick out the right one? Did I mention I have dinner plans with Dan? Okay, you're five minutes away? Okay, as fast as you can would be good.
- Everything okay? - Of course not.
Prue and Phoebe have found a problem.
Two of them, actually.
And they're bringing their dates here.
On a night when you have a date of your own, huh? Just earmark anyone looking for Phoebe.
They're coming here to try and find her.
Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to know if Phoebe Halliwell is anywhere around here, would you? She should be here any minute, and if you sit down and don't move, you'll have a perfect view.
You think he's? - Could be.
- Let me help.
No, Leo.
Thank you, but now that you've lost your wings, I don't want you to get hurt.
Hey.
- You my Valentine? - I hope so.
- Especially after - Today.
Well, tonight's tonight.
So let's get started.
About that.
You're kidding.
Just tell me you're kidding.
- What? - Wait, let me guess.
It's something with your sisters.
Or maybe you'll be vague and just say, "Something important's come up.
" Or my favourite of all time, "It's a matter of life and death.
" Actually, what I was going to say, if you would let me, is that I'm running a little late, and could you please wait for me at the bar? Phoebe? Are you okay? - Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Piper's destressing in the alcove.
Tessa, Leo.
Leo, Tessa.
Can you watch her for us for a little while? - Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
- How's the spell coming? - It'd be coming a lot better if I had a pinch of the salt of life.
- We got the salt of margarita.
- I will take it.
On this day of love, let's show a little for Janice Robinson.
So who are you? I'm just a friend.
Hey, how's my stressed-out sister and her something? Well, we've moved past "something" and straight into "everything.
" The view sucks.
I don't recommend it.
How goes the battle plan? We didn't find anything in the Book of Shadows.
Which makes sense, because the ani-men or whatever were created by careless magic, not supernatural evil.
- So where does that leave us? - In the hands of our spellbinding sister, who's writing a little hocus-pocus to turn these men back into animals before they get completely out of control.
Easier said than done.
I do not work well under pressure.
- Any sign of them? - Well, I've been watching that one, who came in looking for Phoebe, but he doesn't seem so creepy.
Yeah, the only magic Phoebe wants to work on him is personal.
That's her date.
Why do we seem to have a habit of gathering our men at the scene of a supernatural smackdown? - It's part of our charm.
- Hey, ladies.
Hey, Darryl, please tell me you're here for a nice romantic evening with your wife.
No, that would be what I'm late for.
- Join the club.
- I'm here as a friend.
It's not my case, but I've heard a buzz.
String of violent crimes from campus, through your neighbourhood, all the way here to the parking lot.
Stolen blue Grand Marq the assailants were driving? Parked outside.
Couple of units are on the way, so - Thanks for the heads-up.
- I'll warn security.
- Here.
- Oh, thanks, Leo.
Tessa says Andrea and Brooke aren't here.
But they are.
Phoebe.
So nice to smell you.
He just spotted me.
- How are we doing on that spell? - You keep throwing this "we" word around, and I don't see you doing anything.
- Wait.
- Darryl, no.
Darryl, wait.
Okay, I got it.
Make us human, or by the time you find your friends, they'll be dead.
Something wicked in our midst In human form, these spirits dwell Phoebe, no.
Make them animals sayeth the spell Phoebe, they hid the girls.
Okay, we need to keep them human until we find out where they are.
- Okay, what's going on? - The good news is the spell worked.
And the bad news? The spell worked on everyone.
I don't have a permit for this kind of party.
Old MacPiper had a farm E-l-E-I Was that a moo? - Phoebe, fix this.
- Rome was not built in a day, Piper.
Yeah, but my club was ruined in the blink of an eye.
At least we don't have to try and figure out what species our innocents are.
Yeah, but if Tessa's right, and they're not here, then what? Well, right before you cast the spell, the snake said something about, if we don't make them human, - then the girls will die.
- So how much time do we have? Tessa said the spell lasts for 24 hours, and they cast it at midnight, so That's in 35 minutes.
Didn't Morris say something about the men's stolen car parked outside? Yeah, followed by the police, who are on their way here right now.
Okay, you know, I made this mess, let me clean it up.
You have to find Brooke and Andrea, because if my premonition was right, - As they always are.
- They were both bitten by that snake, which means if they don't get medical attention, they could die.
We'll go try and find something in the car that will lead us to them.
Okay, Phoebe, you try and turn this room back, and we will try to find the girls, and Go kiss someone else.
Let's take these guys with us, make sure they don't turn human.
Are you sure we got the right ones? Yeah, it was the only rabbit and snake next to each other.
And the only two that put up a fight.
Whoa, they're fleeing.
Piper, how about a little supernatural corral.
Thank you.
Okay.
I would like you all to know that I am vegetarian, okay? I have never eaten any of you.
Why do I have to carry the poisonous snake? - Because you're the oldest.
- So? So you've lived a full life.
Wait, you think that's the car over there? What, do you want me to ask them? You know what? You're a smartass.
Come on, we don't have much time.
No.
Bad dog! Lxnay on the icking-lay.
You know what? Nobody bothers the witch, okay? If we all remain calm, I will have everything under control and back to normal, all right? - Nothing.
Now what? - Trunk.
Oh, my God.
They have a pulse.
It's still there, but it's faint.
- We need to get them to the hospital.
- All right.
Undo the magic acted here Reverse the spell so all is clear Back off, Thumper.
- What's happening? - Phoebe reversed the spell.
- Piper, hold on.
- What do you mean? How's it feel to be a man now? What do you say we wake up Dr Poison here and move him? Move Thumper there right into his fangs? I've got a better idea.
Come on.
Well, at least we're human for good now.
Shut up.
So it looks like they got what they wanted.
They get to be treated like humans.
And caged like them too.
You three sure are rewriting my book on public service.
- So the girls are gonna be okay? - Yeah.
They're on the way to the hospital.
I think you found them just in time.
How did? I'm not gonna even ask.
Remember when our biggest concern on Valentine's Day was who to spend it with? Still is.
Yeah, maybe for you.
I was dateless tonight.
Oh, speaking of dates, don't I have one in there? You know, I never knew how exhausting not having a job could be.
- Table four needs to be bussed.
- Okay, I'm serious.
It's like having a job sort of made this whole charmed thing less stressful.
It gave me something else to worry about.
So the Prue of old wins out after all.
I like being busy.
Then why mess with a good thing? Yeah, I just need to find something that I love getting busy at.
Speaking of getting busy, check out our little sister.
Oh, my.
Let's just hope she doesn't do '80s dancing.
Time to go home.
Bye.
Stick around.
Janice Robinson will be back with her second set after a short break.
- Phoebe, there's something - Oh, no.
In my teeth? Oh, no.
That's That's That's really strange.
You're not a beck-and-call kind of girl.
I get that.
I have a job that takes time, a family that takes time, and making you and me work is gonna take time.
I need to know you're willing to deal with it.
You know I am, as long as you realize who I am.
Sometimes I I get jealous.
I wonder where you are and who you're with, and that's me.
But you can't make me something I'm not.
Work with me, yes, but change me Relationships are hard work.
Especially on an empty stomach.
You think we can talk about this over dinner? Magic words.
Oh, I forgot my purse.
I'll meet you outside.
Okay.
Piper, when we first met, you thought I was just a handyman.
Well, I'm a handyman again.
Same guy you fell in love with.
The same guy who fell in love with you for who you are.
Remember that, and know that I'm not giving up.