Code Monkeys (2007) s02e13 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Woz!
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Dave: This is awesome.
"Car Robber Sunnyvale" is
a huge hit.
Character: Back, me old lady.
This car is mine. Ha ha!
Dave: You know what?
It's the subtlety I think
the fans appreciate.
But, more importantly,
if we just touch one kid
with our message,
it's all worth it, dude.
[Siren]
Kid: Am I too late for
the signing? Uh!
Get off me, you pigs!
Officer: Bastard car thief.
Dave: Dude, my game rules.
Character: Hey, hey. Did you
lose this? Ah, ha ha ha! Yes!
Dave: Ha ha! That part is rad.
Boris: Heh heh! I have some
business to talk to you about.
Who is the lesbian?
Dave: That's no lesbian, Boris.
That's some guy named Jerry.
-Hi there, Boris. Remember me?
I was there when you
did the voice of Anatoly
in "Car Robber Sunnyvale."
It's really good to see you
again.
[Boris spits]
Neat.
What an interesting custom.
Boris: Dave, you only pay me
$5.00 for my voice.
Now your game is big success.
You owe me money.
Dave: No way, dude.
A deal is a deal.
Boris: Is that so?
Is deal deal now, smart-ass?
Dave: Whatever, dude.
Do whatever you want to Jerry.
I am not paying you one cent.
Dave: Wait. No. What?!
Dave: Follow my lead, dude.
Jerry's not afraid of you, dick.
Boris: Is that so, Jerry?
Jerry: No, it is not so.
I am terrified of you, sir.
Boris: OK, you two donkey balls,
but let me tell you this:
this is not the last time you
have heard from Boris!
Dave: Well, that is
the end of that.
Jerry: Dave,
why would you do that?
That guy seems serious. You're
totally cheesing me off again.
Dave: Stop being such a pussy.
Oh, did you forget to put on
your 7,000 maxi pads today?
Where's your car, cry baby?
Jerry: Oh, my gosh!
Boris is trying to kill me.
Dave: You know what would help
you to chill out?
Jerry: Oh, what could possibly
chill me out after a gangster
blew up my car?
Dave: If you took me to your
house
and watched me
smoke all your weed.
Jerry: Actually, that would
just chill you out.
Dave: Hey, Jerry, if you weren't
such a selfish bastard,
it would help you, too.
[Explosion]
[Telephone rings]
Clare: Hello. GameAVision.
Um, I don't know if
Mr. Larrity is here yet.
I can't understand you.
You sound re-[bleep].
Your name is Mr. Larrity?
Then why are you calling for
yourself?
Black Steve: Why the hell are
there hedgehogs everywhere?
Clare: What's a hedgehog?
Black Steve: It's a mammal of
the subfamily Erinaceidae
and the order Erinaceomorpha,
you ignorant bitch.
Larrity: Hedgehogs? Boy, I love
it! I'm sick of shooting bats.
Dean, it's relaxation
killing time. Hyah!
Clare: Mr. Larrity,
you just called for yourself,
but you sounded really old.
Larrity: I did?
Well, what did this "me"
say my name was?
Clare: It was just
"Mr. Larrity."
Larrity: Huh. Well,
that's interesting.
Jerry: Oh, my gosh.
I think that's fire.
Dave: Oh, my God! No!
Mary Jane!
Maybe it's not too late.
[Blowing]
Mixed chair with old magazines,
lampshade, photo albums,
and game console. Damn!
Underwear and goldfish,
irreplaceable comic book
collection
and, yes, all the sweet stuff!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, this is good. We should
smoke house all the time.
Where can I score some house,
dude?
Jerry: Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
My life is over again.
Oh, why does this stuff
keep happening? Oh, I know.
Because you're a selfish jerk,
Dave.
Dave: Whoa, Jerry. I don't know
if you can see them over here,
but there are
feelings here, man.
Boris: Are you getting my
message now, Dave?
Dave: Uh, what message? Oh, If
you left it on Jerry's machine,
there's a good chance he isn't
gonna get it
because his
apartment is on fire.
Boris: No, stupid American.
This message.
[Jerry yelling]
Dave: That guy talks in riddles.
Hey, Clare, you seen Jerry?
Clare: No.
But you have this package and
it smells and it's bloody.
Dave: Holy crap! "Heard you have
trouble making games.
Jerry sends you a hand."
Black Steve: What you
no-good?
Is that Jerry's hand?
Dave: That could be
anybody's hand.
You want a hand? I can get you
a hand by 3:00, man.
There are ways. Hell,
I got a hand in my desk drawer.
Black Steve: Yeah, you're right.
Honky hands are all over
the place.
Dave: Yeah, we'll probably find
them after the meeting.
Larrity:
Now, what in the hell is
with these damn old hedgehogs?
Dave, you responsible for this?
Dave: I wish I could say yes,
but I'll take credit
if you need me to.
Larrity: I appreciate that.
Black Steve?
Black Steve: I wouldn't touch
a hedgehog
with Clarence's
you know what.
Clarence: It could be fun ♪
Todd: Fine. I admit it.
I purchased one rare hedgehog
for study
in my game
"Colonic the Hedgehog."
Apparently, it was pregnant, but
you will see that my new game is
well worth any trouble.
Behold my genius.
[Crash]
[Man firing rifle]
Man: I see you're still using
that pussified
Yankee repeater.
Big T. Larrity: Pappy?
What are you doing here?
[Fires rifle]
Pappy: What's that? I can't
understand you when you're
talking Yankee.
Big T. Larrity: Pappy, not in
front of my employees. Damn.
Pappy: Pardon? I still hear
a hell of a lot of Yankee.
Dave: Ha ha. Whoever this guy
is, I love him.
Big T. Larrity: Damn it, Daddy.
You taught me everything I know
about talking Yankee.
Pappy: Son, you've won my
respect.
Now, get on over here and give
me a hug.
I got to slap some sense
into that medicine ball
you call a head.
Big T. Larrity: Hey, everybody,
this my pappy,
the Honorable Prescott Daniel
Appomattox Larrity.
He's the biggest Texas oil
tycoon there ever was and is.
Yee-ha!
Dean: Hey, Bro-Pappy,
what did you bring me?
Prescott: Dean, you got bigger
just like
the walking tumor you are.
Dean: Whoa, bro. That was harsh.
What's up?
Prescott: Enough of this
grab-ass, mouthful of chaw,
namby-pamby guff.
We got business needs tending
to, so let's get tending!
Yee-ha!
Mary: Did that just happen?
Big T. Larrity: Now, Daddy,
what can I do you for?
Prescott: Son, I've been keeping
my eye on you,
and you done yourself proud with
this here game company,
but it's time for you to be back
where you belong,
where the oil's
so light and sweet,
you can use it
for jack lube and maple syrup.
Big T. Larrity: What you saying?
Prescott: You coming back
to Texas, work for the old man.
Don't worry. I'm gonna
buy your company out
fairs and squares.
It's time to negotiate.
You know the rules.
Let's do this west Texas style.
Call it, Jasper.
Jasper: And grab your partner
by the paw ♪
Punch him dead
right in the craw ♪
Prescott: Ah, yeah!
Jasper: Slap him now across
the face ♪
Teach him the meaning
of disgrace ♪
Spin your hand,
don't ask me why ♪
Gouge that bastard
in the eye ♪
Pay attention,
keep close watch ♪
He's about to kick you
in the crotch ♪
We're a handsome family,
we have some fun ♪
Now the business deal
is done ♪
Prescott: Yee-ha!
[Coughs]
The company is mine. Uhh!
None of you say a joke.
Uh! Shake that one off.
Now, show me around.
I want to kick the tires
on this turd
you call a business.
Dave: Come on, severed hand.
Work.
Todd: Hello, David. I heard
you're having trouble
with "Halo 2: Angel Wars."
Typical. I just wanted to let
you know that
"Colonic the Hedgehog" is
shipping tomorrow.
Ha ha! Todd has won again.
Dave: Go to hell, Todd.
Todd: Let's go,
my furry friends.
Dave: Damn it.
This hand is defective.
[Chomping]
Anatoly: You pay me my money,
sister,
or you will be the Ladies of
Perpetual Sorrow.
Benny: What the hell are you
doing?
Dave: Stealing cars
and kicking ass.
Hell yeah. Level 2, dude.
Anatoly: Meet my good friend
Zeus.
He's from the island of Lesbos,
a lesbian.
Dave: Wait. Lesbian, lesbian,
lesbian.
That makes me think of dudes.
Why? Why would that be?
Oh! Jerry. Yes. Holy crap.
I got to go find Jerry.
Big T. Larrity: And this,
of course, is the hallway.
Uh, we use it to walk
from room to room, you see?
Prescott: Kind of like I use
my pecker to ride
from womb to womb.
Prescott: Gosh dog it, Daddy!
I missed you. How's my dear old
sweet mama?
Prescott: Dead.
Big T. Larrity: What?!
Prescott: Well, I was meaning
to write, but I don't know how.
But don't fret, son.
She died doing what she loved.
Big T. Larrity: Swimming?
She drown?
Prescott: Hell no. Being pounded
like a $2.00 nail by
my ranch hand Cal.
Look, son, your dead mama's
in the past,
left behind like
a rotten corpse.
This here, me and you, is
the future.
[Toilet flushing]
Prescott: Now, what do you
call this contraption?
Big T. Larrity: Pappy, that's
an indoor outhouse.
Prescott: Will wonders never
cease?
Well, I think--oop. Whoopsie.
Black Steve: Man!
What the hell? Did Honky Kong
just pee on the floor?
Big T. Larrity:
You filthy sumbitch.
Black Steve: Man, you white
people ain't got no manners.
Big T. Larrity: Let me tell you
something, Black Steve.
That old man's pecker's like
a divining rod.
And when it gets loose,
it can only mean one thing--oil.
Black Steve: What you talking
about, Mr. Larrity?
Big. T. Larrity: There's oil
right here under GameAVision.
Ain't that right, you old turd
with the moustache?
Prescott: Right as my marriage
last year to Miss January.
Big T. Larrity: You tried to
swindle me, old man.
Black Steve: Yeah, it's about
to get real.
Big T. Larrity:
That's fantastic.
I'd expect nothing less
from the man who shut me out.
Now, let's get to drilling.
Prescott: Boy, we gonna
drill a bigger hole in your soil
than I drilled in
Miss January '74.
Larritys: Yee-ha!
Black Steve: Man, I got to stop
hanging out with the white folk.
Woman: Hey, baby, you want date?
Dave: Yeah.
And would you like chlamydia?
[Woman speaking Russian loudly]
Anatoly: Hey, hey, hey!
My good friend, it's me--Boris.
Finally you come.
Dave: Boris, this may be coming
out of left field, dude,
but have you seen Jerry?
Boris: Ah, yes.
I have the lesbian.
Come with me.
Jerry: Oh! Dave, you made it.
Oh, thank God.
Look what they did to me, man.
[Sobbing]
Dave: So that was your hand.
OK, my bad.
Boris: Look, you dumb
son of a bitch.
Dave: Pay attention, Jerry.
He's talking to you.
Boris: You owe me.
Dave: Uh!
Boris: You make it up to me
by running a few errands.
Once these errands are complete,
we are square.
Jerry: You cut off my hand!
Boris: Want I take a foot
as well?
They will call you a sidestroke.
Jerry: No, no. I--I'd like
to keep that.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What do you need us to do first?
Boris on radio:
OK, butt fuddlers,
I need you to go see these
Canadians and ask them for
the bacon.
[Tires screech]
[Gunshots,
hit-and-run victims groaning]
Dave: OK, Jerry, follow my lead.
I took a little Canadian
in high school.
Jerry: I don't know about this
stick with duct tape, Dave.
Dave: It's only till we get
something better, buddy,
and that's a nice-looking stick.
What is that, teak?
Man: What can I do for you, eh?
Dave: Boris sent us, eh?
He wants the bacon, eh?
Man 2: What kind of bacon, eh?
Jerry: Uh, he didn't
tell us what kind. Uh
Jerry: Canadian bacon, eh?
Man 1: Is that supposed to be
some sort of joke, eh?
Jerry: Dave, run! Aah!
Dave: Ha ha! Who the hell knew
Canadians were so violent?
Hey, use that cellphone Boris
gave us to call the cops quick.
Canadian: Screw you, eh.
Take off, you northern Mexicans.
Dispatcher: 911. What is your
emergency?
Jerry: A Canadian gang is trying
to kill me. Hello? HellO!
[Explosions]
Dave: Hey, man, the Canadian
thing didn't go so well, eh?
Boris: Then you still owe me.
So here is the deal.
Go 69ers Sausage House.
Find a guy named Z-Boy Play
and give him this for me.
[Man groaning]
Z-Boy: What up, players?
Dave: Hey, man, Boris sent us.
Z-Boy: Boris is my man.
We used to break dance together.
That mother can robot.
Jerry: Dave, this guy
seems cool.
Let's not blow this.
Dave: Boris sends you this.
Hyah!
Z-Boy: Yo, what the hell, yo?
Officer: Freeze, Z-Boy.
[Dave cackling]
Big T. Larrity:
Yeah, get her, son.
She's a-tantalizing you with
those sweet meats.
Dean: I'm trying, Dad-bro,
but she won't hold still.
Prescott: The harder they run,
boy, the harder they scream
when you get 'em.
Mary: What the hell is this?
Is that an oil well?
Black Steve, are you
helping them?
Black Steve: Hell yeah.
I'm the project manager, bitch.
Mary: And how did you get
permits for all this?
Prescott: We're from Texas.
We don't need none of them
Yankee rule-following papers.
[Women scream]
Big T. Larrity: It's a gusher!
Prescott: That's what she said.
Benny: Yo, this sadder
than a labor camp.
Boris on phone: OK, men who like
to have sex with other men,
You [bleep] up again.
You have to be more a gangster,
more aggressive.
I want you to go and talk
to these Eskimos,
or as I call them, ice pirates.
They live there with a man
called Jimmy the Wonder Man.
He will have a muffin for you.
Dave: Get a muffin
from ice pirates
who are also Eskimos?
OK, are you messing with us?
Boris: No,
I need this muffin. Go!
Jerry: So do you think this is
the place?
Dave: Yeah, I think this is
the place, dude.
Jerry: Dave, I don't know about
this crab hand.
Dave: Dude, it's only temporary.
I'll get you something better
later after we do this.
Let's get this job done.
All right, you [bleep] pirates.
Somebody better give Boris
his muffin.
Jimmy: Give Boris message
from Jimmy.
[Jerry moaning, Dave laughing]
[Hit-and-run victims groaning]
Big T. Larrity: Just like
old times, Pa.
Inspector: We're gonna need you
to cease and desist.
I have an injunction.
This is the first natural
infestation
of the subfamily Erinaceidae
on this continent.
They're endangered, man.
Mary: And adorable.
Black Steve: It's ridiculous how
adorable they are.
Inspector: You're not drilling
for anything in their habitat.
Big. T. Larrity: But this is my
habitat.
Inspector:
You've been served, sir.
Big. T. Larrity: You know what's
gonna get served
with this paper? My ass.
[Slapping]
Boris: What the hell happened?!
All you have to do is pick up
a muffin.
Dave: Sorry, man. I know
a "muffin" was probably code
for drugs or cash or something
really cool.
Boris: No, it was just
a damn muffin.
Now, what the hell am I supposed
to have with my latte?
Look, I think I have to kill you
and sell your teeth
for necklace.
You can't do anything,
and I want my money.
Jerry: Larrity has money.
Make Mr. Larrity pay you.
Jerry: Car robbery is his game
anyway. We just work for him.
Dave: He's our pimp, and we're
just lowly wage whores.
Jerry: Please have mercy.
I have nothing left.
I have an ice-cream scooper
for a hand.
Boris: Yeah, I was going to ask
you about that.
Listen, business is language
that transcends
cultural barriers. Come.
I will speak to this Larrity
pimp to pimp.
Big. T. Larrity: My lawyers here
have examined
this legal document forwards
and backwards,
and they say this document
clearly states
"No drilling may occur at
GameAVision while hedgehogs
"are present or until said
hedgehogs have been moved
to another happy habitat."
Mary: So in order for you to
drill
and for all of us to no longer
work here,
we just have to find a nice farm
for the hedgehogs.
Prescott: Dang it! I like
the sassy mouth on that one.
I'd like to see it sipping from
my Sam Houston.
Mary: Sorry. I don't sip south
of the Mason-Dixon.
Big. T. Larrity: Quit
your flirting and listen up.
This here says we got to find
these hedgehogs
a happy home.
And what's the happiest home
there is?
Dean: Heaven.
Big. T. Larrity: Dean, shut--
well, hey, actually, you're
correct this time.
So that's where we sending
these varmints,
right straight to heaven.
Todd: No! My muffits, quick.
Follow the sounds of my flute.
[Playing Pan flute]
Wait. Where are you going?
Dig, my little friends,
as though your adorable lives
depend upon it.
Well, they do. Fear not.
I'm coming with you.
I am one of you now
eternally.
This is very difficult.
I'm in harder dirt
than you are. Uh!
-Hey there, PC.
-Hey, Woz.
Yup, I got this cool
new computer.
What you got over there? Apple?
Woz: It's the new Apple IIe.
The Apple IIe has 64k of RAM.
PC: Well, I have a disc drive.
Woz: That's cool.
The Apple IIe has a DuoDisk.
PC: Well, mine has a screen.
Woz: So does the Apple IIe.
And it can display upper
and lowercase letters.
How rad is that?
PC: Fine, Woz. You win!
Apple is better than PC. You're
the luckiest man in the world.
Is that what you want to hear?
Woz: I am lucky.
I don't really know how I could
get any luckier.
Cool! Hedgehogs. They make
such great pets.
I guess I just got luckier.
Oil. Awesome.
Hey, Steve, guess what.
I just struck oil. Come on over.
It's awesome.
Big. T. Larrity: But this thing
ain't pumping no more crude.
Prescott: I reckon
it's gone dry.
Strangest thing I've seen
in my life
aside from the pygmy sex shows
I seen in the Ivory Coast.
Big. T. Larrity: Pee, damn you.
Pee your gosh-darn pants
right now! Come on.
Prescott:
Nothing but emptiness, boy.
Big. T. Larrity:
Pappy, is that true?
Prescott: I'm afraid so, son.
Not a drop of urine? No oil.
Big. T. Larrity: No! Oh, gol--
oh, no! No, no, no, no!
[Sobbing]
It's the durned hedgehogs.
They must've tunneled the oil
somewhere else.
Prescott: Now, don't blame
the critters.
Maybe you just ain't an oil man.
Big. T. Larrity: Me? Well,
this is your fault for trying to
swindle me, you old coot.
All I gots now
is disappointment
and a bladder
full of dusty rocks.
Boris: Do not worry, lesbian.
I will not dismember you more.
My quarrel is with your
cowboy pimp.
Big. T. Larrity: Pappy, you're
lower than cow balls
on a dusty old hole--
Boris: Pimp, you must give me
money for use of my voice
in your game.
Big. T. Larrity: I ain't giving
you squat diddle bump, Russki.
I had a hell of a day, and I
recommend you don't tempt me
to paint you like a zebra
and stick you
in my [bleep]-up dungeon.
Boris: We are not Russki.
We are capitalist pig, like you.
Now, you are giving us moneys,
or we will have gang war.
Prescott: These got
your name on it, Slim.
Big. T. Larrity: Yee-ha!
Prescott: Hyah! Hyah!
Big. T. Larrity:
Come on, gosh
Prescott: You ain't never gonna
get the drop on
an old wildcatter like me.
Aah! I'm dying, boy.
Big. T. Larrity: Oh, Pappy.
Prescott: You's always
a terrible disappointment.
You ain't worth the water
I shot to make you. Agh!
Big. T. Larrity: You--you killed
my daddy, you sumbitch.
Boris: Yes, I put bullet through
talking hat who was your father.
I think now we are square.
Big. T. Larrity: No, boy,
we ain't square.
We ain't square at all.
I owe you big, amigo.
Boris: You owe Boris?
Big. T. Larrity: Hell yeah,
I do!
You just made me the richest man
west of the Mississippi.
As soon as I get
ol' Miss January bumped off,
I'm gonna set things right
with you.
Boris is listening.
Big. T. Larrity: Now, you feel
Dave sold you short
on your voice talent,
and I reckon he did.
And I can't say I ain't proud of
him for it.
Now, you did the right thing
when you chopped off
Jerry's hand.
That's scary [bleep].
Now, what you say you take
a couple of my boys here
to whore out as sex slaves,
and we'll just call it a day?
Boris: Boris likes the spirit of
your offer,
but he has plenty sex slaves.
[Todd playing Pan flute]
Maybe you have something else
I want,
these poked-backed creatures.
I know Japanese businessman
would be very interested.
Their meat fetch top dollar.
Big. T. Larrity: Them varmints?
Hell, take 'em all!
Todd: No! They're mine.
Big. T. Larrity: Oh, you can
take him, too.
Boris: I have no use for
fat nerd.
[Man speaking foreign language]
Todd: What are you doing?
Boris: OK, we
take fat nerd, too.
Big. T. Larrity: That sounds
like a deal there.
Todd: Use me, but I must be home
by 6:00.
Mother worries herself sick.
Dave: I guess this is one of
those
all's well that ends well kind
of things? Heh heh!
Big. T. Larrity: Davey, I reckon
you're right.
Jerry: I have no right hand.
Seriously!
My hand is gone.
Jerry: This robot hand is
going to be great.
Dave: Make sure it's calibrated
right,
or you could go
choke the chicken
and pull its head right off.
Jerry: No, it's amazing.
I have the motor control of
a concert pianist.
Dave: Really? Let's put that
to the test.
Hey, put on this blindfold.
This side. Yeah.
OK. All right. Right there.
Ahh.
Jerry: What is that?
Dave: Feels weird, huh?
Jerry: Yeah, it feels like--
aah! Damn it, Dave!
[Elephant trumpets]
Prescott: Well, I was meaning
to write, but I don't know how.