Comic Book Men s02e13 Episode Script

If you could attend one moment in comic book history, - What would it be? - Wow.
Like, I'm thinking, like, you're there, You know what's coming up I'm gonna go with the death of Superman.
That's a good one.
I would like to be on the streets of Metropolis To see that epic battle take place.
What about you, Ming? How 'bout when Superman's ship from Krypton lands on Earth? Ma and pa Kent find the Superbaby.
There's nothing that happens though! He just gets picked up out of the rocket ship, Put in the jalopy pickup truck, D driven away on an old dirt road.
No, it goes into the house.
Ming's like, "awesome.
" The baby doesn't do nothin' that a normal baby wouldn't do.
But I know what he becomes though.
- I know-- - That's the origin of-- Don't you want to see something spectacular? What about Antman? I see here that he had sex with his dead friend's girlfriend On his dead friend's grave.
- So you'd want to watch that? - Yeah.
Or, like, I'd be at the grave Two weeks before it happens Because I know what's going to happen.
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, The only show that also hates that stupid Batman voice.
I'm your host, Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
So what come through the doors this week? Had one of the weirdest items come in the other day.
I mean, we've had toys, original artwork, Obviously comics, but never an item like this.
- Hey guys.
- Whoa.
- How's it going? - Whoa.
We don't serve your kind here.
Not the droid you're looking for? Eh? What's up? What do you got there, man? This is a R2-Q5 Xbox 360.
I don't remember him from the movies.
- Return of the Jedi? - Wait, what scene? It's a real small scene.
He just kind of cruises by.
How much screen time does he have? About a second.
Why him and not the droid that everyone knows? - R2? - Yeah.
It's probably because every single thing In the Lucas Universe has already been merchandised.
This was the very last thing, and he got a hold of it.
If you were gonna pick any droid To jam an Xbox inside of, Why would you pick that droid? It makes no sense, right? - I mean, why black R2-D2? - No, no, no.
It wasn't R2-D2.
It was R2-Q5.
Why would you know that? And why are you being so [bleep.]
about it? - I know.
- Oh, my Lord.
You're just like, "No, no, no! It wasn't that!" Well, just get it right.
I'm just gonna call it "the black R2-D2.
" That's certainly the best way to sell it, man.
This is one I had extra, lying around, And I thought I'd come bring it to the shop And see what you guys thought.
I make 'em custom-order.
I can make you guys a regular R2 If you're not so fond of the R2-Q5.
Well, I'm sure that this guy's catching up to R2-D2 In terms of popularity, right? But yeah, it's got a built-in projector right here.
Really? What do you project off that? Princess Leia, dude.
Like, "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
- You're my only hope.
" - Right? Yep.
Anything.
Dvd, video games.
So this is a projector gaming console? Yeah.
I see on the bottom it has, like, an internet connection? Yeah, yeah.
It's got everything, man.
It's got digital optical audio right there.
That's an odd place for an input, isn't it? - The location? - Yeah.
Is everything with you got to be-- Go in that direction, even a robot? Right in the toilet.
I'm just saying, I might be tempted.
And you brought it in here today to what? - I just want to sell it.
- Okay.
Well, what does something like this go for? I ask $1,300.
Oh.
- $1,300, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- Can I check it out? - Yeah.
Can I see what ilooks like projected? - You want to take it back here? - Sure.
He's selling all the bells and whistles it has.
It can do this.
It's got hd and stuff like that.
And we wanted to see if it works.
What'd you give him, ming? Something--something cool? Something near and dear to our hearts.
All right.
- You want comics? - We got that.
You want Wonder Woman and Wolverine? - Oh, Lord.
- We got that! Out of everything we could have watched, And that's what you pick? And you also have the option to do hdmi output, So if you want the high quality, You can just plug it into your big screen.
You can sell your comics for cash! - I always love that moment.
- Cash! Okay, so I think it's awesome.
I would love to have it in the store.
- Can we step back into my office? - Sure.
We would love to have it, But what's the least you'd take for it today? I'd be willing to go $1,000 for you.
Knock off $300 and I think I got a proposition that may work for both of us.
- Okay.
- A consignment.
There's no way I'm going to buy this thing outright, So I figured, "let's think a little outside the box.
" Let's call the police and say he's trying to steal it from us.
I think, "how about selling it on consignment at the Stash?" Okay, so that's a no-lose scenario right there.
You're facilitating the sale, And it also gets to be shown off in the store.
- Right.
- That's always nice.
People walk in and be like, "what's this? The black R2-D2?" "That's not R2-D2!" We put one of your pieces Prominently displayed in the store.
- Okay.
- We sell it, And we take a small percentage of it.
You get the majority of the sale, Plus, maybe I could get some contact info Out there to people-- they could do special orders.
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Awesome.
I think that'd really work out well.
Cool, we got a deal? All right, man, you got a deal.
- May the Force be with you.
- All right.
- You guys have a good day.
- Take care.
I'm surprised his Star Wars line wasn't, like, "I love you," and he's like, "I know.
" These are insane.
What kind of a mental patient Would want to collect these? I think me.
Hey, you know what I was thinking? If you guys had to live in one cartoon environment For the rest of your lives, Which cartoon world would you guys choose? Now, take in consideration, You can't interact with the stars of the said cartoon.
You're just background players.
So it's real life, except I'm animated? - Exactly.
- Okay.
Let me go first, 'cause I've given it a lot of thought.
- Bedrock.
The Flintstones.
- Why Bedrock? I'd like to test myself in a much more primal age.
What about you? I'm gonna go with the other end of the spectrum-- - The Jetsons.
- I knew it.
- You soft little-- - What? Why is that soft? Got to go right-- got to go into The most easy of existences.
But it was cool.
I love the Jetsons.
What about you, Bry? I think I would go Smurfs.
I don't know if you'd pull it off And get away from Gargamel the way you-- What, so I look like a smurf? - Yeah.
Like, lazy smurf is like, "Well, great, what do I do now that he showed up?" - Hey, how you doin'? - Hey, guys.
I found these cards from when I was a kid.
- Remember garbage pail kid cards? - Yeah.
I figured maybe they're worth something.
You guys can take a look at 'em? - These are insane.
- Yeah.
These are, like, for lunatics.
What kind of a mental patient Would want to collect these? - I think me.
- Oh, sorry.
These were hot for a little bit, though.
Like, I didn't collect these, but I went out and bought, like, Five packs just to be like the other kids, 'cause everybody had 'em.
What about your parents? What'd they say when you brought that home? I didn't really show them.
Hid 'em under my bed.
I would've taken you right to a psychologist.
Walt had no interest in these cards.
You were clearly repulsed by them.
Yeah, I just don't dig 'em.
They were huge when I was a kid.
And they were kind of, like, What came after "the wacky packages.
" Take something everyone knows-- In this case, the cabbage patch kids.
Yes.
And then make satiric versions of them.
Not even satiric, but almost disturbing.
- Like grotesque.
- Yeah, the had a lot of Puke jokes, a lot of bathroom jokes.
- It was great.
- Mangy Ming, With fleas all over him.
Look at that stuff.
You know what? They were the brainchild of Art Spiegelman.
- Okay, I recognize the name.
- You're kidding me.
The same Art Spiegelman who did Maus? - Yes.
- That's crazy.
Think about it, the same guy Who was involved with one-eyed jack, A cyclops with a diaper on, Goes on to win a Pulitzer for Maus.
Maus is one of the seminal comic book works That's transcended the medium.
It's considered a classic of literature.
It was Art Spiegelman's account of the holocaust Done with mice and cats.
Really moving piece of work.
But this was the guy who came from-- - Who came from patty pukeface.
- Yes.
Can you imagine, he must be sitting there going, "what am I doing with my life?" And then finally, he does the great work.
What were you looking for these? - Maybe 30 bucks? - Uh - You seem to dig 'em.
- Yeah.
Take 30 bucks out of your pocket.
I mean, they're a very small piece of my childhood.
I obviously don't have mine anymore--I chucked 'em.
- Would you take $10 for them? - Maybe meet in the middle.
- Like, 20? - 10 is the highest I can go.
All right, how 'bout $15? Still, I'll give you ten bucks for them If you want to unload them right now.
Cash.
- All right.
- Yeah? Can I have ten bucks? I'm not giving you out of the register.
- I'll pay you back.
- Yeah.
- There you go.
- All right, thanks, guys.
- Thanks, mike.
- See you later.
What are you gonna do with these? I don't know.
They're a piece of my childhood.
Like, I had 'em once before.
I lost 'em.
So were the chicken pox.
- You want that back too? - No.
You know I'm gonna tell your wife to check underneath The mattress, though, for garbage pail kids.
I mean, if that's the worst that she finds, then-- Oh, my God.
What's up with the costumes? Um Did you not know you were wearing costumes? - Why do you have to look down? - Well, it's, it's-- - I was a huge card collector when I was a kid, But not sports cards.
Always cards from shows or movies.
But the weirdest cards that I think I ever collected Were Jaws II cards.
And they were depictions of people getting eaten By a shark on the card.
I love trading cards.
I had 'em all.
I had Planet of the Apes the TV series - I remember those.
- King Kong from '77; Welcome back, Kotter.
Charlie's Angels-- Welcome back, Kotter got cards, man.
- What about you, Zap? - Remember tasty bread? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- They had D.
C.
Comics stickers - In them.
- Oh, I remember this! And I used to undo the twist tie, Slide your hand down there, grab the sticker, put it-- - Grimy kid hands all over your bread.
Mike's the reason they invented the safety seal.
What happened, man? Why are today's kids-- They're not interested in a sticker In a loaf of bread anymore? I don't know if a sticker's gonna capture the imagination Of a kid who can be like, "you know what I saw on the internet? A guy having sex with three horses.
" Hey, you know what I was thinking? Could 007, James Bond, take down a superhero? 'cause I just saw the latest Bond movie, And this new Bond ain't your daddy's Bond, Mike.
He's not Roger Moore in his depends.
- This Bond is badass.
- Okay.
You can't be serious though.
He's got no powers.
Neither does green arrow.
His whole arsenal's just gadgets that q gives him.
- Batman.
- Thank you.
You're telling me he can take down superheroes? I think he can.
This Bond can.
Ming, your Bond is Roger Moore, right? - Yes.
- The leisure suit-wearing, Not-having-sex Bond.
Oh, I thought all the Bonds have sex.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, even Roger Moore.
That's also what I dig about all the Bonds is that If it walks and has a skirt on, Bond has conquered it.
That would be his weakness, then.
Why is it his weakness? He's not focused on his duties.
Only you would consider a chick's private parts A weakness.
- You are highly suspect, Ming.
- Not what I meant.
You are ruining the machismo of this Bond conversation.
Hi.
- How you doin'? - I have a question.
- Okay.
- So do I.
- What's up with the costumes? - Um Did you not know you were wearing costumes? - Why do you have to look down? - We did.
We did.
I have to check and remember which one I'm wearing today.
What's that costume from? I call it "the demented stewardess.
" - It's a Doctor Who thing.
- Doctor Who, yeah.
I just made it the other day, And I'm sort of doing it for a test run Because I'm taking this with me to Comic-Con this year.
You know what is the most maddening thing on Earth? These two seem happier than I do.
I don't get it, man.
How much would it cost you to design my buddy here A dress like that, and a hat? Why can't I go as a dude? Why do I have to-- Well, I thought, I thought-- - I can make a male version of the tardis.
I could do that.
All you need is-- - I don't think that's what's going to do it for me.
All right, men, you're going to a con And you have to cosplay.
Who you guys gonna go as? You.
Silent bob.
Nice.
How about you, Zap? Who would you be at a con? I'd want to be a Death Trooper-- One of the Stormtroopers dressed all in black.
Nice, man.
What about you, Ming? The one I love seeing at cons is Frank, The rabbit from Donnie Darko.
That one freaks me the hell out.
Creepy, man.
That's unsettling.
- Uh, Walt? - Well, it might shock you, But I'm into that furry too.
- What? - You know, furries? The furry movement? People that dress up Like stuffed bears and have sex? No, no.
That's what that is? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was like, "we got an exclusive, man!" Walt's like, "I'm total furry.
" All right, what are you guys doing here today? What could we help you with? I've gotten too many people telling me I need to read Deadpool, so do you have, maybe, Like, a one-shot comic of that I can pick up? You know what? Let me grab it.
- Bry, I'll be right back.
- All right.
I love Deadpool.
Do you guys ever talk about non-geeky, dorky stuff? Like, do you ever talk about real things and real life? "Normal" is only a setting on a washing machine.
Wow, do you have any other slogans from, like, hot topic You want to bust on me or Ah, here we go: Deadpool kills the Marvel Universe, Issue 1 and issue 2.
- What do you think, these two? - Sure.
All right, $5.
98.
- $14.
Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy it.
- Thanks.
And, yeah, bring back that Tardis costume For my buddy here.
What's your waist size? I can get you a nice-- - I don't know my waist size.
My boobs are about as big as yours though, So you can go the same.
All right.
All right, thanks, guys.
- Thank you guys so much.
- All right, have a good day.
This one and this one were both going, actually, About $200 apiece.
Not anymore.
Ah! - Ha ha! - What's up? Somebody took all the money out of the register.
What's the occasion, man? I haven't seen this in a bit.
Yeah, u know, it's been down in the basement For so long, I finally said, "you know what? Bring it back upstairs.
" I know when we first had it in the store, It was keeping us from doing some work.
- Not like now? - I figure, you know, We've got time for a quick game, right? - Sure.
- Let's go.
- You any good at this? - I don't know.
I'm not really that great at sports.
Flicking your wrist, I don't know, is a sport.
'cause if it was, ming would be a gold medalist.
He'd be meeting the president.
- All right, you ready? - Yeah.
Go.
Come on, Mike.
Oh.
Oh.
Ooooh! You can't do that.
It's off-kilter.
- I noticed, man.
- Oh! That wasn't going nowhere.
- Oh, yeah! - So lucky.
- Yeah! - Ooh! Get it out of there.
What did you do this time? Come on, hit it out.
Oh! - Are you throwing this game? - No! This game sucks.
One more, son.
Game point.
Oh! Oh, that was almost your dignity right there.
- Oh! - Whoo! I think he threw the game, mike.
I know he did.
- Hi.
- Hi, how you doing? Good.
How are you? I have a-- - Let me just get back here.
- What do you got? A few things you might be interested in here, hopefully.
Some Marvel legends and one icon.
- You remember these? - Oh, yeah.
Did you have them here in the store? We did.
This is one we couldn't keep on the shelves.
That, actually, is a variant of the original, Because he has the mask on.
Right.
The mask was off in the original.
Other than that, I have Captain America, series one.
We also have two more of the Avengers-- The Hulk, and Iron Man.
Actually, I want Walt to take a look at these.
Because I'm not really sure of the pricing.
- Hey, walt? - Yes.
Do you have a minute to check out.
These fine legends figures That this gentleman wants to sell? Absolutely.
About 10, 12 years ago, Everybody, it seemed like, was buying action figures.
Yeah.
And the Marvel legends.
Were one of the premier toy lines.
The prices that were being bandied about For these figures were crazy.
I mean, you had figures that were just being released Fetching hundreds of dollars.
Because a lot of them were chase figures as well.
To see it on the rack, you almost couldn't believe it.
You had to slap yourself across the face and go, "is that really sitting there? "is that really on the pegs right now? Pinch me.
" They've been sitting in bins for the last ten years.
I bought 'em in anticipation of kids and had a kid, And she is more interested in horses Than action figures, so So you looking to move 'em today? Yeah, hopefully.
It's too bad that you didn't know Your daughter didn't like these in 2005, 2006, When they were getting-- fetching a premium.
We've looked them up recently.
Actually, there were-- two of the variants, This one and this one, were both going, actually, About $200 apiece.
$200? - Not anymore.
- Yeah.
It's not going for $200.
I mean, if you do a little more investigation, Maybe some of the online auction sites, You'll see that I could get them relatively cheap now.
Maybe not the gold Iron Man, but Mr.
F and Namor-- Ten bucks each, probably, you could get for 'em now.
Really? $150 is the best I could do today.
Yeah, I mean, what else were you gonna do with 'em? The kid doesn't want 'em.
They're just gonna sit there for another ten years.
Right.
You couldn't do any more? - I couldn't.
- Not at all? $150? That's Uh Yeah, I guess, if that's your top price.
- That's good.
Right on.
- Shake on it.
- There you go.
$150.
- All right.
Thank you.
- Have a good day.
- You too.
You ever get to a store, like, super early And wait for it to open, But you would see, like, your rivals Also sitting in the parking lot? I remember, literally, running to the front door Trying to beat them.
I would never just lower myself To run into the toy aisle as a grown man.
I would fast-walk.
Well, that's gonna do it For another episode of Comic Book Men.
I hate to run out of time.
Unfortunately, time is our enemy.
Until next week, I'm your host, Kevin Smith - Bryan Johnson - Walt Flanagan - Mike Zapcic - Ming Chen.
See you on yancy street, kids.
Good night.