Cougar Town s02e13 Episode Script

It's daylight, why aren't you at my house yet? Today is big present day.
I have to go get myself a big present.
- Is Andy going with you? - No, he doesn't know about it.
Well, you're coming over later, for movie night, right? - I don't know - Ellie, friend test.
Fine, I'll come.
- "Friend test"? - Yeah.
It's when you call your entire friendship into question and force them into doing something.
I came up with it.
Sounds like you.
Mom, I'm trying to fix the TV, but I need to know what you did to break it.
I just pushed one of the buttons on the remote and it went to black.
Mmm-hmm And then? After it went black, I pushed about 100 buttons, plugged and re-plugged wires.
Fix it, T-Rex.
I'm pumped to see this movie.
Waiting for Superman? Really? Bobby, I forgot to tell you this, but Superman's not in it.
- It's It's a documentary.
- No! Yep.
"It's a bird!" "It's a plane!" No, it's a depressing exposé about the failing public school system.
Oh, man.
Well, did you see the whole thing? 'Cause maybe Superman flies in at the end.
He doesn't, but it's still good.
Tom, I know you wanna be a part of this group, but hovering out there, eavesdropping, is not the way to do it.
Eavesdropping.
That's crazy.
- What were you doing? - Uh Looking for my cat.
Snowball.
I should go.
Tom? Any sign of him? Oh, boy.
Oh, hello, Jules.
I just finished the tastiest Cuban sandwich.
Barb, I'm gonna stop you right there, and assume you're not talking about your lunch, but rather two young Cuban boys that did horrible things to you.
Hector and Julio, yes! Yes, they're cousins.
Why me? Why do you wanna torture me with your filthy stories? You used to be one of us, stalking young prey without mercy or shame.
When are people going to understand that's not who I am anymore? I mean, what do I have to do, change my name? You'll be back.
The filth is strong within you.
Check out my new ride.
Whoo-hoo! What the hell are you doing? That's my trucker "whoo.
" You do it.
- Not a chance.
- Friend test.
Fine.
Whoo-hoo! What? - Whoo-hoo! - Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Please stop doing that.
Hey, Sam's got a new haircut.
Who's Sam and what should I text him back? Sam's a buddy.
"Send us a pic of your haircut so we can judge whether it is hot or not.
" Oh, good.
It's my ex-boyfriend Smith.
Hey, Laurie.
Oh It's a forearm kiss, just as cordial.
OK, I'll leave so you can all say horrible things about me.
Oh, no, Smith.
I mean, we're on Laurie's side, but you're a good guy.
Thanks.
All right, let me get the ball rolling.
He is a pale-faced jerk.
- Tool bag.
- He was way too good for you.
Don't harsh on Smith, he just bought you all refills.
Hmm I charged him double, the pretentious little dink.
You guys! No look Penny Can! Schooled by a chick.
This is embarrassing.
It's worse for Andy.
He's missed so many times, he can't even play real Penny Can.
Penny Can! No.
What do you have to sing when you get it in the big one? Sissy Can Stop sucking so much, dude.
Penny Can is one part geometry, one part marksmanship, and one part core strength.
Now, you got the first two in spades, but this right here Wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka! That's holding you back in the minors, brah.
I don't have to take this from you.
I'm grabbing my penny can, I'm going home! We were all talking smack, why's he only going off on me? He'll be fine.
Check this out.
Moving target Penny Can! Oh! - Bobby, do you have any clean shirts? - I've got shirts.
Why? Oh.
Hey there, fella.
You know, buying that rig is just the beginning.
I'm gonna go balls to the wall with this tomboy thing.
- What up, Broseph? - Weird.
Mom, this is taking a while to fix.
I don't think you're gonna watch that documentary tonight.
Damn it! I wanted to feel smart tonight.
Smart and depressed about the world.
Not dumb and happy like always.
Man, those are some big grapes! - You know what we should do? - What? Let's all pile in the back of my pickup truck, and make our own roads in the forest behind the mall.
- I'll do that.
- All right, Bubba Gump, you're obviously going through something and we're here for you, but still, anyone have a good idea? Well, we actually read this great article in my psych class about how - Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! - Stay with me! - What? - It's about how adults can reduce their stress levels by embracing the activities they loved when they were kids.
So we should hide in the shower and watch my babysitter pee? No, no, no.
This is good.
Not your thing, we're gonna have to talk to a professional about that.
- But I got a great idea - Oh, who's that dude? - Your wife.
- Is that Bobby's shirt? - That's right.
- Yeah, I've had this dream.
Whoa, Bobby! Let the girl breathe.
You just get on the boat without knocking? There's an air horn on the ladder for a reason.
- Hi, I'm Sam.
- This is Sam? Mmm I pictured him with less boobs.
- Did she say "him"? - It's a figure of speech.
Wha? See, that's the pizza guy.
He's got manners.
But no patience.
Don't say anything about Sam.
OK, guys, we could all use a little "act like a kid" time, so we're gonna play sardines in a can.
Now, one person goes to hide, and then everyone looks for them.
But here's the catch, if you find the hider, you hide with them.
And then the last person left looking is the loser.
How fun does that sound? Let me get this straight.
Instead of doing fun stuff with my new truck - You bought a truck? - Later.
- Super.
- We're gonna play some lame version - of hide-and-seek? - Don't be all sulky just 'cause you're not getting your way for once.
Hail Mary to save the night, I, at my place, have a fabulous bottle of champagne, two big, thick, juicy steaks - I can cook 'em up.
- I'm in.
- Talking to Jules.
- We're playing sardines in a can.
Now, the more, the merrier, so we can ask Tom to play.
- Oh, I'd love to.
- Way to keep it weird, Tom.
Whoever's hiding can hide anywhere in or around this house, - Ellie and Andy's, or Grayson's.
- I'll hide.
Wow, way to bounce back.
When you find your spot, call us.
Tom, I didn't include your house because I just figured it was creepy in there.
- Pretty much.
- I see his guest room from upstairs.
There's a mannequin in a dog cage.
Oh, here we go! All right.
Ellie, you are on speaker.
Good.
Jules, you always act like I'm the chorey one who has to get her own way.
But, the truth is, you are the bossy-pants control freak who makes everyone do what you want them to do, like some evil dictator.
Damn! Thank you, Jellybean.
Seriously, Jules, who elected you group leader? - I have something to say about that - That's why I hid.
I knew you'd wanna defend yourself, but now you can't.
- Ellie! - Goodbye! Oh, my God! - Game on! - Yeah, that sounds good! Excuse me I told you Ellie wasn't in the pool shed.
It was a good guess.
That's where she hides from Andy when he wants sex.
Can you believe that crap she said about me? I think I'll pass on getting in the middle of your fight.
Smart move, boy toy.
Well, Travis, you heard what Ellie said.
Do you think that I'm at all No.
Mm-mm.
I ain't stupid.
You call yourself men.
But you're both wusses.
Ellie's not in the hedge where she hides from the nanny.
- Ellie hides a lot.
- Hey, Andy.
I gotta go talk to him.
No! You're my searching-partner-slash tell-me-Ellie's-crazy buddy! Oh Let me guess.
You're trying to find someone to tell you that I'm crazy.
- When I find you, you're dead.
- You'll never find me.
No one will.
Oh, great.
Scoot over, baby.
Do you think Jules'll ever like me? What's Grayson have that I don't? - I don't know, a chin? - You're right Right.
- I'm done.
- Oh, good! So you can be my searching-partner-slash tell-me-Ellie's-crazy buddy! Let's go.
Come on, honey.
Your house is dumb.
Well, at least you don't have a stupid octopus painting.
Oh, wait Hey, we were all making fun of you when we were tossing copper.
That's new slang for playing Penny Can, by the way.
Pass it on.
But you only freaked out on me.
How come? You grabbed my stomach.
I have personal space issues, - I freak out when people touch me.
- Hmm.
OK.
He's also allergic to raspberries.
That tickles! That's different.
He's earned it.
We already checked in here.
- Yeah, we'll just double check.
- Why are we double checking? Steak and champagne.
I love me some beef and bubbles.
Ooh! That should be our detective names.
He's Beef, a grizzled ex-Marine with a secret He's a vegetarian.
She's Bubbles, his plucky, hot partner with a secret of her own, she's Beef's daughter.
Together, they fight crime and each week, maybe they grow a little bit closer together.
I don't know why I got choked up.
But we might as well watch this fake, boring Superman documentary.
So, Beef, why are you hiding your girlfriend from everyone? Get out of my grill, Bubbles.
Well, Mrs.
Torres wasn't in the pantry, but this note was - "Enough with the cookies.
" - She leaves notes for Andy everywhere.
Ah.
"Kissing is for shavers.
" I mean, she calls me the control freak.
Does that make sense? Very smooth, trying to slide into that conversation.
Unfortunately, this isn't my first mother-son rodeo.
Oh, I really wish they had those.
Well, I'm always there for you when you wanna talk.
Come on A heart-to-heart on Mr.
And Mrs.
Torres' bed? - You wanna snuggle? - Oh, yeah.
- Kidding - Well, don't tease.
All right, Ellie sees me as the dictator with everyone.
Now, you have an outside perspective of the cul-de-sac crew.
How do you see us? Well, I see you guys as a bunch of old people with surprisingly good skin, given the amount of wine and sun you take in.
Yeah, I think the alcohol preserves us.
Mom, I wish I could help you, but when it comes to questions about who you really are, I think the only person who can answer them is you.
- That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
- You're welcome.
I really doubt Ellie is hiding in the drawer.
No, but her sex chopsticks are.
Whatever the hell these do.
- Come on, they're all snooping, too.
- I'm pretty sure they're not.
Look, Travis' ironic T-shirt collection.
"Hey, I'm moody and sarcastic, and I'm home for the tenth straight weekend because I don't understand how college works.
" Oh, I don't have a Travis impression, I just want this hoodie.
Hey, listen, um, we still need to talk.
You know I'm not really good at being real, unless I'm trying to get someone's pants off.
Don't know where this is headed, but go on.
- What's happening? - You don't have issues with touching.
It's your fault for making your hands smell so good.
Why do you have this big chip on your shoulder with me, huh? Did I do something to offend you? Because if I did, let's talk about it, OK? But just don't walk away again because it drives me I will wear his skin.
Would you stop walking away from me? It's rude.
Oh, grow a pair, Cindy.
What are you gonna do about it? Hey That's what I'm gonna do.
OK.
Ha, ha.
Are you still there? Come on! I'm breathing my own breath! I'm sorry, I can't watch this documentary anymore.
You know what's scarier than Lex Luthor? The decaying public education system that's cheating our young people out of a future.
You know what's also decaying? That one vice principal's teeth.
What, does she brush 'em with pudding? You see? That's why I don't bring Sam around you guys.
Oh, no Honey, does she have pudding teeth? No! Because our group is too judgmental.
I mean, you saw how we tore Smith a new tailpipe today.
That was different.
Smith dumped me.
That's the only reason why people were talking crap about him.
Hmm No, we talked crap about him when you were dating, too.
We just did it behind your back.
Hm.
- Should we go check the garage? - To hell with looking.
I wanna talk more about Ellie.
Let's go, talk-buddy.
Ellie and I have always had a complicated relationship.
We actually met at a sample sale.
She trampled me.
Trav Trav? - Hello? - I've got your boy.
- I'm having the best time.
- Me, too, Tom.
Give me back my son! Mom, I'm scared - Now you know he's OK.
Goodbye, Jules.
- Wait, wait, wait wait! What are those chopsticks for? Get in quick, Jules'll see you! Aw, man! Pipe down, pretty boy.
Hey, guys, anybody want a wine break? Don't move, it's a trick! Damn it! Help me out with something.
I've always felt this little edge from Andy.
What's his problem with me? Can you imagine what it's like being Andy? Well, he's married to you, so I know it's mostly terrible.
- Zing! Give me some, Trav - No, thanks.
Look, when Andy's parents first moved here from Cuba, they scraped up enough money to send him to prep school.
So in walks this husky, balding 11 year-old with a whole fried fish for lunch.
He got terrorized by pretty boy d-bags like you named Wyatt or Deckland.
And every time you tease him, you remind him of those guys.
- Don't feed into it and you'll be fine.
- No problem.
Except for I just tied him to a tree.
I gotta go get him.
Get pillows and wine.
And if you tell Jules that we're here, I will end you! Can you get my retainer? This sucks.
- Why aren't you at college? - You know, Tom, I don't know.
You know what, Beef? I've decided I'm mad at you.
You don't have any faith in your friends.
We would never trash Sam.
When I was dating Smith, I knew that he wasn't everyone's favorite.
But you guys never said any of that stuff to my face.
Because that's how we support each other.
It's kind of beautiful.
I mean, no one likes Ellie, - but we're not mean when Andy's around.
- I like Ellie.
Come on, buddy, it's just us.
Everyone is gonna be so psyched that you're dating again that we'll be cool, even if Sam totally sucks.
Bobby, we're the cul-de-sac crew! We always have each other's backs.
Put my ice cream away, and go get some wine and pillows and hide from Jules in the truck.
I gotta go get Andy, I tied him to a tree.
Our group is so much fun! Is someone there? Please help! Do the right thing Andy? What happened? Your boyfriend's a big bully.
Untie me.
Oh, my goodness.
Wow.
OK, I have to get some scissors.
Hey, you know, I'm having a bad day, too.
Do you think there's anything to what Ellie said? I mean, the way I see it - I am so hot! - Fine! Keep your shirt on.
Get it? I'm going.
OK, she's gone.
I'll untie you.
I can still kick.
Do you wanna be let go or not? OK, so I probably shouldn't have tied you to a tree.
Since I'm Cuban, it's almost a hate crime.
Look, don't compare me to those douchey guys that hassled you in high school.
Ellie told you? Perfect.
You know why you're an idiot? One of the reasons, anyway? It's because you're still competing with a bunch of jerks from your past.
But dude, you already won.
I mean, you got a hot wife, and a beautiful son, and a great job.
Most of those cool guys? I bet they're like me, you know? Divorced, struggling through life, peaked at 18 - Wow, you're a total loser.
- What? No, I got Jules now.
- Oh, yeah, but you're gonna blow that.
- All right, forget it.
Wait.
Thanks for coming back for me.
Andy? All right, don't piss me off, I've got scissors.
Andy! Wait, where are you? Ooh! Hey, over here! Oh, good, you invited her! Oh, hi.
Just get in and hide.
Come here.
Hurry.
Everyone, this is Sam, my girlfriend.
Isn't Bobby great? OK, guys, I'm the last one, I lose.
Game over, you can all come out now.
Nobody move! She's about to snap.
I swear to God, I will burn this whole cul-de-sac down! Hey, Mrs.
Vasquez.
Just playing a little game.
Tom? I've got a hug with your name on it! - She needs me.
- No! Hold him down.
- Sam, cover his mouth.
- I don't like this.
Just do it, Sam! It is dark and I am tired of being alone! Ellie? Ellie! Friend test! Can we stand up, too? OK, everyone Friend test! Oh! Thank God! That was like a butt numb-a-thon.
Look, this was supposed to be fun.
But, Ellie, you were right.
I am an evil dictator.
Even when I was a kid, I used to order my friends around so much - they called me bossy boy.
- "Bossy boy"? Well, I didn't get boobs until I was a senior.
- Late bloomer, nice! - No, Tom.
I don't know why everything always has to be my way.
I don't, I just I don't even know how you guys put up with me.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, please.
I was just pissy 'cause you wouldn't go off-roading.
We're all grown-ups.
We wouldn't spend every second at your house if we didn't want to.
I had a blast today.
- I ate steak! - Yeah, best night, ever.
Jules, if we had to elect a group leader, it'd be you.
You bring us all together.
Thank you.
- Who's the new chick? - Oh, that's my girlfriend, Sam.
Well, welcome, Sam.
Glad you could make it.
Wanna play another round? - Hey, Tom, wanna hide? - I'm a great hider! He's going.
Wanna head inside and drink some wine? - Hell, yeah.
- Yeah! So did y'all bag on Sam once we left? What could we possibly say about her? We met her for, like, two seconds.
Well, that's all you're gonna get because she dumped me.
- Go ahead.
- Bad hair, weird nose, thick neck She shook my hand with her fingertips.
What are you, the Queen of France? Her face made me wanna learn how to box.
Man, there's a lot of love in this room.
Aw Sorry.