Deadbeat (2014) s02e13 Episode Script

(computer beeps) (exclaims) Hey, Camomile.
It's Camomile! (maniacal laughter) Just kidding.
Oh my God.
You're probably all like, "What the bloody hell is going on here, then?" (laughing) I don't know.
Can't do a British accent.
Anyway, you've been getting pretty messed up on these bad boys, which made it easy-breezy for me to possess you so we could talk.
Oh, I'm Millie.
I'm a ghost.
I probably should have led with that.
Anyway, remember that whole Samantha Cherry thing? Here.
Watch this.
(alarms sounding) (dramatic musical interlude) I think you might say, we have a mutual enemy.
(screaming) Cake.
It's a super cute piñata, Zoila! Can't wait to see what's inside! I hate that piñata.
I wanna lose it.
- What do you think? - Kevin, do you think you're maybe going a little bit overboard with this whole thing? Well, how do you figure? You can't afford all this.
Okay.
You know what? Roofie's getting out of the clink today.
He's probably gonna be super sad, having to say goodbye to all of his new prison buddies.
I just wanna remind him, he's got friends on the outside, too.
Okay? Plus I saved all the receipts, I'm hoping he'll reimburse me.
So (knocking) Oh, shit! Oh, he's here! He's here! Hide! Everyone fucking hide.
Well, not, not you.
- Huh? - Not you.
Zoila, you, hide! Hi! Eh oh, Goddamn it, Zoila.
Learn English! All right, here we go.
Hey Kevin Pacaliaglu? Oglu.
Yes.
I'm with US Citizenship and Immigration Services.
You're being investigated for marriage fraud.
You and Zoila are frickin' married? Is this all really necessary? I'm afraid so.
We received an anonymous tip, which may or may not be completely unreliable.
So as you can imagine, we're taking this matter very seriously.
Oh my God.
Did you just marry Zoila to get Glen out of the picture? Out of curiosity, just how seriously are we taking this matter? If I deem the marriage to be a fraud, Mrs.
Pacalioglu would be deported and you would spend a minimum of five years in prison.
Well, would you look at that, honey? There's hope for me yet.
(nervous laughter) I can assure you, sir, this is nothing to joke about.
And even if it were, I have a terrible sense of humor.
Okay, well I can assure you, sir, that we are very much a real couple, and we are very much in love.
Actually, today is the tenth anniversary of the night we first met.
Hence the, uh, the party! Every year we recreate that, uh, beautiful drunken night when we first met and fell in love.
It's actually a pretty funny story.
It's a humorless true story based in fact, actually.
Uh, you see, Zoila was working for this woman at the time.
A huge B-I-T-C-H, pardon my French, but it's true.
And, uh, that same woman just so happened to be my biggest business rival, so you could say we had a mutual enemy.
Uh, so we bumped into each other at this bar one night, and uh, after we shared a few laughs, and some drinks, and some guffaws, and secrets, it didn't take us long to realize that we, uh, we shared something pretty special.
Mhm.
And how does the 'Free Roofie' poster fit in? Oh, that.
Yeah.
Uh, I believe at the time I was volunteering for an organization that handed out free roofies.
You handed out free roofies? Yes.
To women.
Exclusively to women.
You see, the idea was that we helped them build up a tolerance to the drug, and that way they can avoid the risk of being date raped.
I guess that makes sense.
Yeah.
So Mrs.
Pacalioglu, how did this night begin? Oh, it's actually really an important part of the tradition that we recreate that night exactly as it happened ten years ago, back when Zoila didn't speak a lick of English, did ya? Never liked English that much, did ya? But the night started with two shots of tequila.
I guess that also makes sense.
All right, well, I'm willing to let this thing play out.
Okay! Good man.
- All right.
- Kevin, I had no idea you were such a good liar! Okay.
Uh, I'm not gonna get in trouble for any of the drugs, right? That's not my jurisdiction.
I didn't think so.
Okay! To free roofies! Salud! Welcome home, you fuckin' rat.
That's a little sexy face.
Zoila, sexy, damn it.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's how it all went down in ye old photo booth.
You know? That's like, that's how it happened.
We asked each other to be each other's assistants and, uh, that's pretty much, uh, that's pretty much it, you know? Well, I have to say, if I had a romantic bone in my body, I'd be deeply moved right now.
Perhaps more moved than I've ever been in my entire life.
But alas, I do not.
Which leads me to my last and most logical question.
If indeed you and Mrs.
Pacalioglu have been living together for ten years, certainly she'd speak some English by now.
Correct? Certainly.
So, do you speak English? It's okay, you can talk to me.
All right, seriously, I've got, like, (sobbing) (gasping) Psych! Of course I speak English.
(chuckling) Okay, now that is what I would imagine is an A+ joke.
Good one.
All right, I'm convinced.
- Happy anniversary! - Thank you very much.
All right, get the heck out of here.
There you go.
There's your jacket.
Sorry to run, I'm a little emotional.
Oh yeah, I understand.
I understand.
We're all getting caught up in the moment.
Oh my God, Sue! That was amazing.
I know.
Oh, here, here, here! Here.
To us.
To us.
Oh.
Oh yeah, I got that good burn.
(groaning in pain) Just go with it.
What's wrong? Zoila? Woah, Zoila? Herro? Sue? Sue? Sue? (heart monitor beeping) Sue, are you in there? Sue, can you hear me? Say something.
Sue? Hey, Sue! Kevin, I can hear you! I'm trapped in some kind of I think I'm in a giant piñata! - Sue! - Well! Your wife is one very lucky lady.
Oh, is she gonna be okay? Oh, I have no idea.
I'm a doctor, not a psychic.
I just meant she's lucky to have a private room.
We're slammed today.
Okay, great, awesome.
What's wrong with her? Her cirrhosis of the liver was exacerbated by a sudden influx of alcohol.
If she doesn't receive a new liver soon, she'll probably die.
Well, how the hell do I get her that? We actually had a delivery of livers this morning.
But someone didn't close the fridge all the way, so they all went bad! Now you could always donate half of yours.
Does that mean that I would have to - stop drinking? - Oh, definitely.
I'm gonna need a second opinion on this.
Doctor, is there anything else that we can do? I'm afraid Doctor Wong is right.
Transplant is the only way.
All right, well, here's the thing.
I don't need Zoila to live, okay? I mean, I don't want her to die or anything, but I don't need her to live.
You understand what I'm saying? I see.
You are transferring your anger toward your absent mother.
What are you talking about? I don't even have a mother.
- Who are you again? - Dr.
Sigmund Freud.
Oh my God.
Woah! - How did you die? - I slipped.
(laughing) Kidding! Ha! Cancer of the jaw.
Kevin, hurry! The candy's rising! It's all off-brand and mostly in Spanish.
Please, it's getting pretty loco in here! I don't think you understand.
See, my ghost girlfriend is trapped inside her subconscious.
There's gotta be some other way to get her out! Unfortunately this is always the big risk with possession.
- Okay.
- If the host goes into a coma, the ghost inside will be trapped there.
Yeah, yeah I got that already.
If the host dies, the ghost inside will be trapped forever.
Forever? Forever ever.
Okay, I'll do it.
I'll go halfsies on my liver.
(beep) Hey, slut! Yeah, it's me again.
So first off, I think you might have a pretty serious drug problem.
But the good news is that now I can deliver to you the bad news! The plan failed.
Somehow Pac and Zoila managed to convince the immigration dude that they were a legit couple! (giggling) I know, right? And the crazy thing is.
Sue, his freaking girlfriend, wasn't even mad that he had a secret wife! (video clicks off) Sue.
And I did not secretly hold onto one of Sue's fingers to keep her from walking into her light just so she could come back here and go to work for you! (vomiting) Wakey wakey, eggs and gravy! I thought it was "eggs and bakey.
" Bakey? What the hell is bakey? Like bacon? What the hell is eggs and gravy, huh? God, man, shut the hell up when I'm grillin' you! This ain't no Goddamn cooking show! Word on the street is that you cut a deal with the feds, and that's why you're free.
Listen Tyson, man.
Look, I did not give you up, all right? Then why is you free right now? Okay, okay fine.
Yes, yes.
I gave up one of my suppliers, but it you're safe, a'ight? Who? Who did you give up? Nana.
Hello, Rufus.
Well, I have good news.
You're the perfect match to donate.
Oh, thank God! It's very rare that couples are perfect matches for each other, but you guys beat the odds.
That's the good news.
The bad news is, your liver is in horrible shape.
Way worse than Zoila's actually.
In fact, she'd die a lot faster if we go through with the transplant.
So that's that.
Zoila, please wake the fuck up! - Get - Wait, wait, listen, I got 50K in an offshore account if you let me go.
I'll triple it.
Hey, Tyson, come on man, you can't kill me.
You're like a big little baby brother to me! And you always been like a grandson to me! I'm literally a grandson to you.
Hey, Sue! Kevin, I can hear you.
Get me out of here! ¡Ayúdame! ¿Qué? Wait.
- I had another thought! - Really? It's a bit of a long shot, but there might be one other way to save your mother.
- Girlfriend.
- That's what I meant.
Okay, what what is it, Doc? I'll do anything! Well, you would have to know her unfinished business! You mean? Sending the ghost into the light would free her from the host.
Sue, if you can hear me in there (clears throat) Sue, if you can hear me in there, I just want you to know that the last two months have been the best two months of my life because I got to spend them with you.
But it's time for me to stop being selfish.
What do you mean? Kevin? Kevin?! Tyson, think about this, man.
If you kill me, how you gonna dispose of my body? He's gonna throw your body in the East River.
By myself? - Are you crazy? - What do you mean? Look at me! And look at him! A white guy dragging a dead black dude to the river? What if someone peeps that shit, yo? I lose all credibility in the hood.
You gotta help me, Nana.
Gotta help you? Drag a body to the river? Have you seen me? All I brought was this light sweater.
It's freezing by the river.
I can't risk catching a cold! Not at my age.
Roofie, you've always been the smart one.
- How should we do this? - Are you seriously asking me advice on how to kill me? Well, you're worthless! I shoulda known by lookin' at you, you'd never be able to pull this off.
You're weak, Tyson.
As pathetic as these crackers! Don't throw crackers at me, yo! Or what? What you gon' do? Sugar packets? I'm sorry about this, Roofie! Camomile, no! Not now, Blob! No.
No no no, what happened? Tried to tell you (cell phone rings) - Hello? - Hello, Kevin.
Camomile White? Meet me at the East River.
Oh my God.
Your timing could not be worse! I have something I think you might want.
Okay.
I'm here.
Tell me what you want.
What do I want? Yes, Camomile, what do you want? I need I need that finger.
I will do anything.
- You'll do nothing.
- I'm so sorry.
I never meant for any of this to happen! What? I thought that maybe you'd go to jail for five years, and I could be with Sue, and then You took everything from me! My career, my reputation! And now I'm going to take from you the only thing you care about.
Say goodbye to Sue.
Throw that finger in the river.
Do it! Do it! What? What did you say? I need you to throw it in the river.
Do it, do it! Sue is trapped inside my comatose Guatemalan wife's body, and I need you to throw that finger into the river.
That's the only way to save her! You're lying! You're trying to reverse psychology me! No I'm not! I don't even know what that means! I just know that we have to send Sue into her light now! Do it! Hey Do it, please! Do it! Fuck! (groans in anger) Every time I try and fuck you over you fuck it up, you fat fucking fuckface! Oh, okay, take it easy.
I am done trying to outsmart you because, clearly you are not smart enough to be outsmarted! Thank you, I guess.
Oh, this is bad.
This is so bad! I'll see you in hell.
I don't I don't think it works like that.
I know how a fucking gun works! No I meant, I don't think hell works like that, like you don't bump into each Stop talking! (groans) Oh shit! (gasps) (breathes in deeply) (gunshot) (water splashes) Sue.
Oh, oh thank God.
Phew, okay.
Goodbye, Sue.
Kevin! Woah, Sue.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, thank God you're still alive.
Or I mean, thank God you're still a a ghost or whatever.
You know what I'm trying to say.
She woke up! Zoila woke up.
That's unbelievable.
That is unbelievable.
That means I don't have to send you into the What is that? It it's your finger.
What? It's your finger! - I heard you.
- See? Why do you have it? Because I didn't want to lose you.
You were so ready to go into your light, and I wasn't ready, so I kept your finger and I've been lying to you about it ever since.
It's just lie after lie after lie.
And it just kept spiraling and spiraling and spiraling, and I didn't know what to do, and I just went with it and I'm there was no end, Sue.
There was just there was no end.
You did all that to keep me as a ghost? You probably hate me and you never want to see me for the rest of your death, but I just need you to know what I did Is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
- What? - You learned to lie and cheat and manipulate for me! I I you're not mad at me? Remember when I told you when I was alive I would go underwater, and that's when I felt the most comfort? Well, that's how I feel right now with you.
Hey, Sue? Yeah? I'm pretty sure I love you.
I'm pretty sure I love you, too.
(chuckling) What's going on? I don't know, I don't know! Woah! It's my light.
I'm going into my light! No no no no, how? No! No no no, you can't! Sue, I just came clean! We just both said we love each other.
- It's so warm! - That could be anything.
Literally, that could be global warming, you could have peed yourself! No, I think this is right.
No, no, Sue! Please, please don't go! It's okay.
This is how it's supposed to be.
How do you know that? You just do.
(water splashes) What's up? Nothing.
What's up with you? Nothing.
Roofie, hey man, what are you guys doing here? Oh, uh, we, we hit a deer.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
That's why we had to throw it in the water.
Yeah, it was a really old old deer, just, you know.
Eh, it was probably gonna die soon anyway.
Yeah, yeah.
We should probably lay low for a while.
- That's a good call.
- Yeah Yeah, let's go.
Go, go, come on.
Yeah yeah.
Skedaddle.
Skedaddle.